Then

"Kathy, I need to tell you something" Elliot started, trying to keep his voice steady. He was nervous, but he didn't want to work Kathy up before he had a chance to tell her. She hadn't even flinched. She stayed reclined in the chair, looking at him expectantly.

"I need to tell you about something that happened while I was undercover" He continued, unintentionally dragging it out.

"From two months ago?" Kathy asked with a furrowed brow.

Elliot nodded, taking a seat on the couch so that they were on the same plane. "I understand that this will be hard to believe, but please try to keep an open mind" He prefaced.

"Elliot, whatever you're about to say can't be as bad as when the doctor told me that I have cancer" Kathy said with a small smile.

Had she meant for that to be reassuring? If anything, it made him feel worse. It wasn't enough that her own body betrayed her, so her husband had to too? Of course, he hadn't intentionally done it. They were in a bind and would have wound up dead if they didn't follow through with the charade. He took a deep breath, preparing himself to tell her, but was interrupted by the sound of his daughter coming down the steps. She was too busy staring at her phone to notice that both of her parents were looking at her.

"Kathleen" Kathy sighed, making the younger blonde look up.

Maybe it was a sign that now wasn't the right time. "You know what, it can wait" He insisted, feeling a sense of relief wash over him. He stood up to check on Eli, but stopped when he saw that Kathleen realized what was going on.

"Oh!" She gasped, "You're telling her now? Way to rip off the bandaid, Dad". She gave him a thumbs up before turning around and running back up the stairs. Kathy turned her attention back to Elliot, very confused by what just happened.

"Elliot what the hell is she talking about? What bandaid?"

So much for keeping her calm.

"There's no easy way to say this, but I slept with Olivia while I was undercover". He could see the physical effects of anger taking over her body. Her breathing picked up significantly and she clenched her fists. Her mouth opened and closed several times before she actually spoke.

"You what?" She questioned through clenched teeth. It wasn't actually a question, but a chance to take it back.

"She stopped by to give me a phone so I could call you but the perp was sitting on the house. He had a strict no guests and no phones policy. He was going to kill us if he found out that we're cops".

Kathy pushed herself up so that she could stand, wincing in pain. Elliot reached out to help her, but she smacked his hand away. "So what? You thought that screwing her would uphold your cover?" She questioned, getting in his face.

"She posed as a prostitute and Bushido paid to watch us have sex".

Kathy tilted her head back, cackling at the ridiculous tale. "You're right. I don't believe you. I knew that something happened that night".

He tried to stay calm, but looking at that cocky look on her face enraged him. She was acting like she had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, but the reality was that he took those cookies a long time ago without her even knowing. If she wanted to be smug, he could do her one better.

"Oh, really? Then why didn't you say anything if you've known for so long?" He challenged, taking a step closer so that they were mere inches apart. He watched as her lip quivered. He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but he wasn't the one that started this game. He could see the tears forming in her eyes, reminding him that this wasn't a game. This was real life. This was their marriage falling apart before his very eyes. "I'm sorry" He sighed, carefully wrapping his arms around his wife. "For yelling at you, and for sleeping with another woman". Kathy was crying into his chest, but pulled back when she noticed how he worded his apology.

"You mean for sleeping with Olivia" She clarified. "Not just some random woman".

Elliot scrubbed his face in frustration. "That's what I said".

"No, it's not. You said that you were sorry for sleeping with another woman, not that you were sorry for sleeping with Olivia" She reminded him. Her tears had mostly stopped, but she was clearly more hurt than she was before.

"I don't see why it matters" He groaned.

"Why did you even tell me this? We could have done what we do best, pretend that nothing is wrong and go on with our lives" She said, rolling her eyes. They were both so wrapped up in their "conversation" (argument) that neither of them heard the front door open.

"We can't pretend that it never happened because Liv's pregnant and I'm the father".

A sharp gasp was heard, followed by a thud. Elliot looked towards the sound, finding a frozen Maureen, Dickie, and Lizzy standing by the door. Maureen had dropped her keys out of shock.

"You cheated on mom?" Dickie asked with obvious hurt in his voice.

"You need to go" Kathy told Elliot before making her way over to her eldest son. "Go,El! I need some space".

So he packed a bag and left. He had ripped off the bandaid. Now all he could do was sit back and wait for the scab to form.


Now

Olivia didn't think that it was possible for the squad-room to look more depressing than it usually did, but she was wrong. Without other people, the gray walls felt cold. Maybe it was because she was used to the normal hustle and bustle of the team, but the silence made it hard to focus. Olivia looked up from her file when she heard someone whistling a familiar tune in the distance. If her memory served her right, it was Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley.

It was Christmas Eve and everyone had gone home hours ago, including Elliot. Despite what happened earlier in the week, Kathy had invited him to come home for family dinner, making it crystal clear that it was only for the sake of the kids. Needless to say, she was surprised when it was Elliot who rounded the corner. He stopped whistling when he spotted her.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. "I thought you were with Kathy and the kids". She watched as he took off his jacket, tossing it onto the back of his chair. He didn't look mad, but something was definitely bothering him.

"I could ask you the same thing" He said, avoiding her question.

She rolled her eyes at his aloofness, but decided to let it pass this time. He had a tough week, and by the look on his face, tonight wasn't much better. She could see how tired he was. He had bags under his eyes, and it looked like he hadn't been able to get a good night's sleep in weeks. Sleeping in the cribs did that to you though. She had offered for him to stay with her, but they both knew why that wasn't a good idea. If he wanted a chance to make things better with Kathy he had to take his punishment and wait it out.

"I'm always here on Christmas Eve...and Christmas" She explained as she swapped out her file for another one in the stack. Every year she'd use this time to organize her files, and if she was feeling really ambitious, she'd review a few cold cases. "Don't look at me like that" She scolded even though she wasn't looking at him. She could feel his pity, and she certainly didn't need it.

"I never knew that" He mumbled. What she didn't understand was how he didn't know that? He knew that she didn't have any family and that her only friends were through work. Who did he expect her to be spending the holidays with? Maybe he had never put any thought to it because he had a nice, big family surrounding him. Until now. Now here they were, stuck in the same miserable boat.

"None of the kids would even look at me, except for Kathleen. Kathy said that I was ruining Christmas for everybody, so I left".

Cragen didn't know that either of them were there, so they really didn't have any obligation to stay. While she was used to being at work for the holidays, Elliot would do better if they got out of there. She was torn. Kathy would be pissed if she found out they spent the day together, but at the same time Olivia couldn't sit back and watch him throw a one man pity party. That, and it wasn't like she could lodge herself any further into their marriage at this knew that that wasn't a good mentality to have, but it was the truth. He would probably turn down anything she suggested unless she threw in a certain "B" word.

"Why don't we get out of here? The baby really wants Chinese food" She said as she dramatically rubbed her still-flat stomach. Her theatrics made him smile, which was enough of a win for her.

"You're a piece of work, Benson. Only if you're buying".


Olivia unlocked her apartment, letting Elliot in before her. His hands were full, struggling to carry the box that held their food. She may have gone a little crazy when she called in the order, but everything sounded good to her. It was nice having someone to spend the holiday with, but not under the current circumstances. They had spent the entire car ride laughing and joking, enjoying each other's company.

"Here is your chicken and broccoli, shrimp lo mein, egg foo young, and dumplings" He said with an amused smile as he stacked the containers on the coffee table. She felt the warmth spreading in her cheeks, but she knew that he was only messing with her.

"In case you forgot, I'm eating for two now" She reminded as she took a seat on the couch. "And we are willing to share". She watched as the smile on Elliot's face went from an amused one to a sad one.

"Trust me, Liv. I can't forget".

The whole mood shifted, and Olivia mentally kicked herself. It was a stupid joke that made the weight of reality come crashing down on them. Of course he didn't forget, how could he when it was ruining his life? He'd be at home celebrating with his family if she had made a better call that night.

"Don't go there, Liv" He said, apparently able to read her mind. "I appreciate what you're doing here, but I miss my kids". Her mouth hung open, watching him as he stood up and grabbed his coat.

"Are you leaving?" She asked, trying to hide her disappointment.

"Yeah. I need to clear my head".

He was gone before she could say anything, leaving her alone once again. "Merry freaking Christmas" She mumbled to herself, swiping the top container off the stack and digging in. She grabbed the remote and turned on the tv, and for the second time today she was met with the song, Blue Christmas, by Elvis Presley. She couldn't agree more, it was a blue Christmas for all.