Deus Ex Machina, better known as YHVH, Yahweh, Jehovah, Elohim, Sabaoth, God, and countless other names, was watching the progress of the Diary Holders. Murmur, formerly the Thirteenth Great Duke of Hell, who had been forced into the weak form of a young dark-skinned girl, noted that it was likely that the Third would be after the First and Second soon. She smiled.
"Let the games begin," she growled.
Yuki and Yuno were walking in the city together, discussing the events of last night.
"I can't get it out of my head, Yuki. I just keep thinking about them."
"Yuno, it's fine."
"No, it's not fine! Nothing about this is fine! I murdered my own parents! I fucking executed them! W-what if the cops find out it was us?!"
"Babe, it's alright. Everything's gonna be okay. I told my mom that I saw someone leave your house when I was walking home and when I looked inside, I saw that your parents were dead. We're the only two people who know what really happened. We're both gonna be fine."
"Okay. I hope you're right."
"I know I'm right. I would do anything to protect you. Oh, you know what would take our minds off this? If we got tattoos with each others names on them!"
Yuno laughed.
"Look at us, Yuki. We've been going out for less than a week and we're already talking about getting tattoos."
"Why not? We're in love."
Yuno smiled for the first time in two days.
"Well, now that I think about it, it does sound kinda romantic."
"There's the spirit! Okay, so what kind of tattoos should we get?"
"Well, maybe I could get a heart with 'Yuki' on it on my left shoulder."
"Alright, then I'll get a heart with 'Yuno' on it on my right shoulder."
"Oh, and I'll get a heart with 'His' on it right above my ass."
Yuki laughed.
"Seriously? You're gonna get one of those tattoos?"
"I've always thought they looked kinda sexy."
"Alright, then I guess I'll get a heart with 'Hers' on it on my back."
"That's the spirit!~"
They got the tattoos and continued their walk.
"So, Yuno, where do you wanna go now?"
"Well, I've always wanted to watch the sunset and look at the stars."
"Me too. The top of the school would be a great place to do that. We can bring some beer. Still don't trust Hino's weed, though."
"And we could have some fun together~"
"I love the way you think."
Later that night, the two of them were looking at the stars.
"Yuki, did you hear about that serial killer on the news?"
"Yeah. Don't worry about it, he won't get us up here."
"I'm still scared. Can I sit in your lap."
"Of course. I've had a boner for the past two hours, though."
"That's alright~ I have some condoms in my pocket."
"Yuno, you are the only girl I know who has a dress with pockets. Can't believe I never noticed that earlier."
"I made it myself."
"God, you're so smart. Like, you always pass every test in school with flying colors, and now you got a dress with pockets. You're a genius. And I'm just barely passing. Only reason I got an A+ on that last test was because of that weird text I got."
"What weird text?"
"Oh, right. With all that's been goin' on, I forgot to tell you. I've been gettin' these weird texts that say what's gonna happen that day. But they're never about me specifically, just shit that happens around me."
"Actually, now that you mention it, I've been getting weird texts, too. They always say what's gonna happen to you. It's...it's how I know where you were gonna be last night."
"Let's not think about that. Let's just look at the stars."
"They're beautiful."
"Not as beautiful as you."
Yuki kissed Yuno passionately, before he was interrupted by his phone receiving a text.
"Goddammit!"
"It's okay, Yuki. Just see what it says and then we can go back to kissing."
"Alright."
He opened his phone.
"'DEAD END'? What the fuck does that mean?"
"Exactly what it looks like, First. Or rather, Yukiteru."
Yuki and Yuno got up and turned around to see a red-haired man in a gas mask wielding a machete.
"What did I JUST warn you about, Yuki?!"
"Who the fuck are you, asshole?! Come any closer, and I'll blow your goddamn head off!"
"Oh, Yukiteru. You know who I am. We see each other all the time. A pity you'll never know who I am before I kill you both."
Yuno shot at the man.
"Stay away from him, you bastard!"
The bullet bounced off him.
"Dammit!" said Yuki, "Fucker's wearing body armor!"
"That's correct, First. My armor and mask are bulletproof. Neither you or the Second will be able to hurt me. But, you know what they say. Third time's the charm!"
The Third ran at Yuki, only to be tackled by a man wearing a white bag over his head.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" shouted the man.
"What the FUCK?" exclaimed the other three at the same time.
"You shall never hurt any innocent soul again!"
"Who the fuck are you?" asked the Third.
"What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the Hell do you think I am? I'm the GODDAMN TWELFTH."
"...Seriously? You're a Diary Holder?"
The Third pushed the Twelfth off of him and laughed.
"Looks like this is my lucky night."
He ran at the Twelfth and tripped on one of Yuki's empty beer bottles.
"Oh, SHIT!"
He fell off the building and hit the ground.
"That's a lot of blood," said Yuno.
"That was fucking retarded," said Yuki.
"Holy shit, I actually defeated a criminal!" said the Twelfth, "Technically."
The three of them were then teleported to Deus' realm.
"Oh, what fresh Hell is this?" asked Yuki.
The three were standing next to a middle-aged man dressed like a police officer, a young boy, a smiling young woman with dark hair holding a ball, a man and a woman wearing matching sunglasses, a middle-aged woman, an attractive woman wearing a dress, a man who Yuki recognized as Karyuudo Tsukishima, Hinata's father (she took her mother's maiden name; she had a rather strained relationship with her father), and a man who everyone recognized as John Bacchus, the mayor of Sakurami City.
"What are you smiling about?" the attractive woman asked the smiling young woman.
"Why shouldn't I be smiling? We're going to meet God!"
"Or something that calls itself God," said the woman, with a distinct hint of disgust at the word "God".
"You don't believe in God?"
"Of course not. No god would let my parents die in that shithole desert."
"I understand how you feel. When my parents died, my life got really bad. I...I went through some bad things. But the one thing that kept me hopeful throughout all of it was this ball. My mother gave it to me when I was a child. Not once has this ball ever left my side. It's never been lost or destroyed. I took that as a sign from God that everything was gonna be okay. Without it, I don't even want to think about what would happen to me. And now I get to thank Him personally! And...I want to ask him to bring my parents back."
"You're an interesting girl. What's your name?"
"Tsubaki Kasugano."
"I'm Minene Uryu."
"All right everyone, shut the fuck up," said Murmur, "It's bad enough that I get sent here just when I got that promotion from Earl, I don't wanna listen to a group of mortals all day."
"Be nice to our guests, Murmur. The fate of the universe is in their hands. Now, everyone, here is what is going on. You are all in a Survival Game, devised by the Eleventh, who you all know as Mayor Bacchus. Each Diary Holder has a precognitive Future Diary, each with its own unique ability. The last one standing becomes my successor as God. Any questions?"
Yuki raised his hand.
"Yes, First?"
"Yeah, I'm not doin' this."
"I...beg your pardon?"
"I'm. Not. Doing. This. I'm not gonna kill a ton of people I've never even met before just because you want me to."
"You must. I am your God."
"And I don't give a shit."
"Y'know, I have some problems with this whole thing myself. I mean, look at your candidates. Yukiteru Amano, the First, is a petty criminal. Yuno Gasai, the Second, probably has more budding mental problems than an entire asylum. Takao Hiyama, the Third, was a serial killer. Keigo Kurusu, the Fourth, isn't even interested in being God. Reisuke Houjou, the Fifth, is FOUR. YEARS. OLD. Tsubaki Kasugano, the Sixth, doesn't wanna be God either. Marco Ikusaba and Ai Mikami, the Seventh, don't really wanna be gods, noticing a pattern here? Kamado Ueshita, the Eighth, doesn't wanna be God. Minene Uryu, the Ninth, is a terrorist that hates you. Karyuudo Tsukishima, the Tenth, only cares about his dogs. John Bacchus, the Eleventh, is a Nazi. And Yomotsu Hirasaka, the Twelfth, is an insane vigilante. Like, I'm a DEMON and I'm questioning your choices."
"This is ridiculous!" said John, "Don't listen to her!"
"You do realize that there's a good chance of you being killed in the Game, right?"
John stopped talking.
"That's what I thought. Punk bitch."
"Well, Matthias-"
"I told you, my name is MURMUR now."
"Well, Murmur, what do you suggest we do?"
"Maybe instead of one successor, you should choose all of them. A pantheon. Maybe they could, I dunno, balance each other out. Also, off-topic, but for a humor fic this hasn't been very funny so far. Just sad. Oh, and Fourth, you should probably get your son to a doctor or something. Just in case."
"Interesting proposal, Murmur. Alright, we shall go with your idea. The Game is officially CANCELLED. You shall all keep your Diaries as a token of my generosity, though. Might as well bring back the Third."
Takao appeared out of a swirling void.
"OH, GOD! OH, DEAR FUCKING GOD! THAT WAS SO PAINFUL! THERE WAS SO MUCH FIRE!"
"Hi, Mr. Hiyama," said Yuno.
"Hello, Yuno."
"How have you been?" asked Yuki.
"...I've been better, Yukiteru. I've been much better."
"Hey, God!" said Tsubaki, "That reminds me, can you...can you bring my parents back? Please?"
"I am sorry, Sixth, but I cannot."
"W...what? But- but you just brought him back!"
"I can only bring back the souls of Diary Holders that have not been killed by other Holders, not including himself. And even then, there is but a small window of opportunity until the soul is assigned their permanent afterlife. If I had waited any longer, the Third would still be burning in Hell."
"You have no idea how many times that dumbass killed himself accidentally when I first gave him his Murder Diary."
"But...but...that's...that's not fair..." Tsubaki quietly protested. She started to cry.
"I apologize, Sixth, but I-"
"THAT'S NOT FAIR, YOU SON OF A BITCH! THAT'S NOT FAIR! THAT'S NOT! FUCKING! FAIR! YOU BASTARD! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE GOD, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!"
"I am not omnipotent-"
"YOU'RE NOT OMNIPOTENT?! YOU'RE NOT FUCKING OMNIPOTENT! BULLSHIT! FUCKING BULLSHIT! YOU'RE A FUCKING BULLSHIT ASSHOLE GOD! AND-AND YOU WERE JUST GONNA LET US KILL EACH OTHER EARLIER?! THE FIFTH IS FOUR YEARS OLD!"
"But I cancelled-"
"I DON'T CARE! YOU WERE STILL GONNA FUCKING DO IT, YOU FUCKING SOCIOPATH! YOU'RE EVIL! YOU'RE AN EVIL FUCKING GOD! YOU'RE AN IMPOTENT FUCKING EVIL FUCKING PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A GOD! AND IF YOU'RE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU'RE NOT BENEVOLENT, THEN WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CALL YOU GOD?!"
"Told you he wasn't God," said Minene.
"...ANYWAY, all of you should pack your belongings. When you are finished packing, you will all be teleported to a large house, where you will each have your own rooms. Murmur will inform your loved ones of the situation. They can visit whenever they wish. The house is on the edge of the city. Eleventh, I have already sent someone to fill in for you as acting mayor."
In city hall, everyone was getting used to the new mayor.
"I, MAYOR BAEL, THE CAT, FROG, AND MAN-HEADED SPIDER, FORMERLY THE FIRST KING OF HELL, SUGGEST TAX CUTS FOR ALL ECONOMIC CLASSES OF MORTAL!"
Author's Note: And that;s the end of the beginning!~ Now we can get into the main story (if you can even call it that), which is basically just whatever the Holders decide to do that day~
