Deus sighed. "I think I'm starting to remember why we stopped having these meetings. There's just too damn many of us. Anyway, on to Asia."
"Dammit, will you just hurry up?!" asked Murmur who was sitting next to Deus' throne, eating corn.
"Ah, Matthias, I...forgot why I called you here. Why did I call you here?"
"I dunno. And what's wrong with your voice?"
"My vocal chords aren't what they used to be."
"You have vocal chords?"
"Yes. Also, could you introduce the others for me?"
"Fine, if I have to." Murmur stood up. "Alright everyone, listen up! I'm gonna call your names, but I'm not saying who you're god of! If you wanna know that badly, Google it!"
He pointed to the second circle. "Vajradhara, Samantabhadra, Vairocana, Tian, Zeus, Brahman, Indra, Thirumal, Acintya, Antaboga, Dyeus Phater, Xucau, Ahura Mazda, Tabiti, Allah, Amaterasu, Konjin, Cheonjiwang, Bathala, Gugurang, Kaptan, Kadaw La Sambad, Buni, Mangechay, Melu, Maguimba, Ampu, Magbabaya, Anlabban, Tulus, Mahal Na Makaako, Bagatulayan, Nanolay, Mah-nongan, Abal, Gutugutumakkan, Kabunian, Ilu, Ashur, Marduk, Enlil, Hubal, Udan, Buga, Tengri, Ilmarinen, the Four Immortals, Kumarbi...fuck it, you all know who you are. This is retarded."
He turned towards Deus. "By the way, who's supposed to be sitting there?" He pointed to the empty seventh circle, which contained only a single throne.
Just as he had finished that sentence, the room grew completely silent. A swirling black portal appeared in front of the empty throne. From out of it stepped a tall, dark-skinned man dressed as an ancient Egyptian pharaoh. He sat down on the throne as the portal disappeared.
"Sͨ̃̋͏҉̘͔̹̻o͓͎͖̭͎̮̼͐ͧͭ̈́͗ͭͮr͂̈́͊ͪ͂ͤͣͣ҉̻̖̣̻͕̦̜͟ͅṙ̴̡̝͙̟̙̎̉̀͜y̫̖͚͔̖̖ͭ̔ͩ͌̐͊̄͟͡ ̡̤̮̺̝͇̙͍̣̹ͧ̓͌͝I̴͈̥̹̟͒̽̌ͮ͒̍ͨͧ'̵̶̲̗̲̣̟̺̠͉ͬ͊̓̊m̶͔̥̩͆̊̇́͆͘ ̗̱̲̣̮̫̲̏̉͂̐l͙̪̠͛ͯͣ̌̐͊͑͑̾͠͠͝a̮̠̽ͮ͐̓͑ͭͣ̒̒͜͝t̛͑ͧ̍̇ͬ҉̺̰̗̤͖̜ȅ̸̜̱̹̮͙̠͔͍͝ͅ.ͫ̒͠͡҉̣̜͓̣̪̠"
The man cleared his throat. "Sorry I'm late. My apologies for that, not using that accent takes some getting used to. Unfortunately, my father couldn't make it, with his...condition, so I came instead. I'll admit, this is my first time meeting any of you, so I got a bit lost. But I'm here now, so let's get started." He smiled. "Deus, I believe you and Murmur were introducing us all?"
"It was stupid, so I stopped."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we all know each other's names. But if we know each other's names...why did Deus have us introduced?" He looked directly at Deus, his smile never once fading. "You know, they say the mind is the first thing to go."
"Why are you even here?" asked a humanoid figure that appeared to be carved out of the daytime sky itself.
The pharaoh turned towards him. "Dyeus Phater, the firstborn. How does it feel knowing that all of your worshipers died out millennia ago?"
"Watch your tongue, fraud!"
"I'm sorry, have I touched a nerve, oh almighty god of cavemen?"
"At least I am a true god! You are but a figment of one mortal's nightmares!"
"Well, give poor old Howie some credit. His work was so influential that it spawned a pantheon. Who else can say that?"
"He could have at least had some originality in naming you," said Ra.
The pharaoh glared at him. "And do you mean by that, Big Bird?"
"You are named after my people. You even dress like them!" The visiting gods laughed at the pharaoh.
The pharaoh clenched his teeth. A look of pure rage was on his face. He nearly stood up, but decided to remain seated. He breathed in and out deeply, closing his eyes. His smile returned. He opened his eyes and looked at Ra for several seconds until he finally spoke:
"P̷̬̘͍͕̮̭͆ͪ͑̊̎̃̉̏ͤ́͠e̡̳͍͓͋ͤ͋͌r̷̛͎̤̟̠͇͉̫̲ͯ̍ͧ̋̐́ḧ̷̸̟̬ͨ͒͒̄a̙̪̻͈̜̯̗͊ͬ̊̌͒̄p̦̮̭͈͒̈́͆̇ͬ̔s̓ͭ̅̄͊͌̂͏͖͎̫̪̼̤̲ͅ ̄̍̑̈͂̿ͧ͘҉̻̭̺̰͟y̝ͣ̃ō̧̨͕̞̝̤͔̲̒ͮ̊̊ͩ̎͠ͅu͇̩̓̇ͬͧͪ'̝̠̻̬͚̯̯̎͐ͪ͊ͨ̅͝d͍̻̤̞̤̞͐̈́ͧ̊ͪ͆͘͟ ̆͏̥l̷̦͎̬̹̖̈̒ͫ̃̇̒̓̈́̀ȉ̫͔̝͍̹̝͍̖̅ͧk̶͔̫̗̪̩̤͆ͣ̔̐̄̎͊̅̄͞e̫͔͍͖̺̜͚ͬ̋̀͊̏ ̫̘͙̞̘̭̊ͨͩ͡à͑̃͌̇ͧ̚̕̕҉͔̪̘̲͙ ̱̪̭̯͕ͦͭ͋͒ͭ̾̄d̘͇̭͚̫ͫ͟ī̛̘͇̙̱̬͇̦͉̝̀̍̊̕f̱̭̲͉͚̅͂ͯ͒͊̈̀ͫ͞f̰̠̳̟̣̦̼̺ͯ͠e̯̥̺͚ͦ͑ͫ̏ͮ̿̀͠r̪͖̘͇̬̱̿̅̒ͤͤ̓̓̑ͣ́ȇ̢̦̤͌̊̆̽ͨͫͥͬň̵̯̩̖͕̫̖̯̃̄͊ͩͅt͇̰̩̟̭̲̮̟̾̅ ̣̬̑͂ͮͬ͘͞͝f͉̍̈̂̒̇̋ͦ̓o̔̑͗͋ͯ͠ͅr̺̹͍̓͆ͥͭͦͬ̑́̚ṃ̳̦ͯ̑̄͡?̶̡̡̜̟̹͌̈͒͆̋̽̋̚̚"
The pharaoh jumped up from his throne. His nose cracked as it sunk into his face, forming a massive hole above his mouth. His teeth grew into sharp fangs, too big for his mouth. His arms cracked and crunched as they extended to four times the length of his body. His legs did the same as they extended to twice the length of his body.
To the horror of the other gods, the pharaoh's monstrous transformation continued. His fingers each grew to half the size of his arms, while his toes became sharp, serrated claws. His stomach bulged, as if he had been impregnated by some foul, diseased abomination.
The sky grew dark as the webbing in his fingers grew to sickening lengths, completing the transformation of his arms into horrific bat-like wings. The pharaoh's outfit melted into his skin as black fur erupted all over his body. A small, triangular tail grew out of the base of his spine. His ears became triangular as well, while his head grew larger to stretch the skin between his mouth and the hole where his nose and eyes used to be. A repugnant, pig-like nose grew out of the new area on his face.
The monster towered over the other gods in the room. It now resembled a massive black bat. A red, flaming eye filled the hole that was on his face. It resembled three eyeballs fused together. The pharaoh had finally completed his transformation.
"I̬̪̫̱̟̘̍̑̑̎ͥ̉ͦͨ ̰̩̖̤̪͉̰̖̾ͧ̋͌͝Wͭͣ̏҉̰̱̩͚Į̜͈̠̻͙̺͎̩̹̃͑͆̃̐ͤͪ͘͟L̦͈̯͇̫͗ͯ̕L̷̙̙̞̟̜͗͑̍ ̧͚͖̖ͬ̋̔̆̒͠Şͨ̉͗̏̍̇̀ͮ҉͉̪͚̬͚̜̦̪͕H̶͙͔̠̩̠̰̪̹̽̍͋̓́ͥƠ̧̡̞̭͕̯̰̹̙̒̈̑W̨̓ͧ̓͆̽͏̫̝ ̤̤͉̼̱̓͆͢Y̡͚̱͎͙̦̬̏̅ͬ̊̿ͮ͢Ǫ̵̠̭̠̼̂́͜U̒҉̴̼̟͓̘̺́ ̸̵̡̒̑̋̄̄̊̓̒ͅT̛͈̽̎͂̽̒̚Ḩ̧̯͍̰͙̜̅̾̀̎̋̈́͗͝E̶̠̯̺̤̹̭ͨͮͪ̌ͮ̿̆͌̇͠ͅ ̲̭̜̠̲͚̟̑̂͒̒T͕̫̱̣ͭ̽ͤR̡͕̪̾ͨ̃̚U͇̪ͯ̈́̋ͩ̊Ȩ̧͍̗̫̎̿͢ ͕̙̃̌̏͋ͩͪ͌͜P̛̺̾̔̐Ő̖W̏̾̔͐ͮͮ̔͒͘͢ͅĘ̺̣̎̃ͫ͝R̅͐̽ͩ͡͠͏͉͔̤̬̫̟ ̑̔͛͗ͨ́͂҉̸͘ͅO̢̧̤̬̟̳̰̓̽́̃F͉͙͇͖͇͔ͬ̔̆͐̑ͭͣ̚͡ ͮͨ̒͋̇͘͜҉̣͖̥̭͚̳ͅT̞̠̜͓͔͛ͭ̃̔̾͘͘H̄͒̀͏͚͍̣̼̪E͈͕̖͒̍̚ ͩ̃̽ͪ̊̓ͦ͢͏̘̣̕C̷̛̗̦̥͔̝̱͐̒̔̒̄R̯͇ͭͩ̂̃ͦ̚͘͠A̝͛͂͠͞W̖̼͕̫͓ͤͮ͋ͤ̍͋̚Ļ͔̪̫͕̥͓̆͆̋ͫͭ̔́I̯̻̋͒ͦͧN̸̘̗͙̜̫̗͇ͤG̺̝̭̦ͧ̑̏ͭ̽̀ͩͅ ̴̜̬̠͙̺͓͕́͒̎̎́͟C͋̅̒̋̒̍͛ͭ̋̀҉͚͓͈̻̱̰ͅH̻͚͓͉̩̩̓͆̃̽́ͯ̕͞A̶̪̱̯̍̅̈͑̾̍͋͞ͅȎ̧̝̣̘̗̄ͨ͟S̴̨͚̖̰̦͖͋͊̉͆̚̕!̦̳̙̯̻̖̥̊̑͌̀͡ͅ"
"ENOUGH!" shouted Deus.
The bat turned to look at him.
"I created the dimensions of this universe to prevent exactly this from happening! I knew you were all greedy, spoiled brats the moment I saw you! I thought that if I gave each of you a dimension to rule over, you could all be the gods of this universe while the humans remained unaffected! THE LAST THING WE NEED RIGHT NOW IS INFIGHTING!"
The other gods patiently waited for what he had to say next.
"Dyeus and Ra, Nyarlathotep is a god like any one of you, and you WILL show him some respect! And Nyarlathotep, you will SIT. DOWN. RIGHT. NOW."
The sky became bright once again. The bat was gone, with Nyarlathotep in his pharaoh form sitting in his form.
"I have called you all here to inform you that the rumors are true. I have chosen the Diary Holders as my successors as the supreme gods of the universe instead of any of you. The reason for this is that you are all selfish, entitled sociopaths, incapable of knowing what this universe truly needs! I, myself, am not exempt from this! Even those among you who were once mortal have forgotten what it feels like!"
The gods looked at Deus. Some of them were ashamed and embarrassed, while most were silently enraged.
"The Diary Holders may be flawed, some more than others, but even the worst one of them is better than all of you COMBINED!"
Back on Earth, Takao was in his room watching Criminal Minds. He looked towards the sky suspiciously for a few seconds, as if he had heard something, and went back to watching TV.
Back in the Cathedral, Deus had finished his speech. He waved his hand across the room, and all of the gods disappeared. The sky had returned to its natural purple.
"So," asked Murmur, "were you just faking the 'helpless old man' act so your speech would have more effect?"
Deus didn't look at him, but Murmur could swear that he saw the slightest hint of a smile on his face. "Wheels within wheels, Matthias," he said. "Wheels within wheels."
