Lucifer and Lucifuge walked into the room of the Cardinal Princes.

"I'm getting sick of this, so make this quick. State your names and duties."

"I am Samael." He was a massive flaming skeleton covered in eyes. He was grateful that Hell was so large, as he was forty-six times the height of planet Earth. Just an absolute unit of a spooky boy. He was carrying a massive sword made from bone and flesh. This sword was alive - it was his and Lilith's only son. "I was the archangel of death and the Venom of God. I am the guardian of the foolish Esau, the one who brought Job's soul from Earth, the accuser of Isaiah, consort of the succubi, father of the Lilim, and the lord of Edom. I am the amoral corrupter."

"Yes, I believe the Isaiah incident was when Deus found out you were our inside man. I can't believe that idiot Belial thought that would be a good idea. Oh, well. Next?"

There was an ipad on a chair next to Samael. It showed a humanoid goat with seven heads, two faces on each head, scales like a snake's under its fur, and twelve black wings. "I am Azazel, lord of the Watchers. I gave humanity metals and witchcrafts, to make weapons and whatever else their dark hearts may desire. They gave into their greed, their pride, their lust, and for their actions, I was punished. That wretch Raphael threw me into Dudael, where I am impaled by spikes and stones until Judgement Day."

"Don't worry, pal, we'll get out sooner or later. Next?"

The next was an androgynous creature resembling an angel with grey skin, black veins, and black eyes. It had a bull's horns, and pierced nose, long fingers, long legs, and webbed feet. "I am Azael, younger brother of Azazel. I am a lord of death, a great witch, master of outer space, and a messenger between the realms of the Qlippoth."

"Neat. Last one?"

The final Cardinal Prince was what appeared to be a massive stomach with an open lined with sharp teeth. "I am Mahazael. I consume."

"...What does that mean?"

"I CONSUME."

"Okay, then. Lucifuge, we're leaving. Who's next?"

"The Adversaries, brother."

The two left and went to the Adversaries' office. The Adversaries were a group of demons ranked by their strength. While Lucifuge and his superiors could fight Seraphim on equal terms, the Cardinals could fight Ophanim, while Adversaries could fight different lower-ranking angels depending on their status, and all demons who ranked lower than them could fight normal angels. The average angel, of course, was magnitudes stronger than the strongest normal human.

"Names and duties, everyone. I don't have all day."

"I am Baalberith the anti-cherub, lord of the Sechemites," said a demon. He was wearing red armor and a golden crown and wearing a red horse. "I give true answers to those who ask, turn metals into gold, and give titles."

"Next."

"I am Astaroth the anti-throne, the shadow of Ishtar - the darkness in her heart that you made manifest after she cruelly mistreated Gilgamesh. I cause sloth, pride, and lust. I make men wise in math and crafts, I reveal hidden treasures, I make men invisible, and I give power over serpents."

"Cool. Next."

The next was an androgynous creature made of plants with glowing butterfly wings that were constantly changing color. "I am Verrine the sub-anti-throne."

"Fucking hell, these titles are getting ridiculous."

"I am the lord of impatience and demon of healing, and I give witches the power of the bear."

"Speaking of impatience, who the fuck is next?"

An androgynous rotting corpse spoke. "I am Gressil the sub-anti-throne, lord of impurity. I tempt men into all manner of sins and control disease."

"I'm going to stop saying 'next'. If the last guy's done, just start."

A black and red humanoid mist spoke. "I am Sonneillon the sub-anti-throne, lord of hatred. While I can kill a weak Throne in combat, I can also kill Cherubs in another way. If a Cherub unites two lovers, they are bound by divine will and connected to the Cherub's soul. If I cause them to hate each other, the Cherub will die."

Next, an androgynous humanoid rain cloud spoke. "I am Carreau the anti-power. I am the lord of depression and I drain the happiness of all mortals around me."

Then a grinning jester-like creature spoke. "I am Carnivale the anti-power, lord of obscenities. I remove shame from men."

Then a small thin lemur-like creature with sharp claws spoke. "I am Oeillet the anti-dominion, lord of corruption. I tempt priests into breaking their vow of poverty."

Then spoke a beautiful young man. "I am Rosier the anti-dominion, lord of love. I entice priests into breaking their vow of celibacy."

Then spoke a man made of mud. "I am Verrier the anti-principality, lord of the self. I give titles, money, and success. I allow my summoners to charm all they speak to. I give health, both physical and spiritual. I heal through herbs and find lost relatives. I cause rebellion, destruction, death, hatred, and poverty. I impart diligence, mindfulness, creativity, motivation, maturity, self-awareness, determination, foresight, and strategic aptitude. I give lucid dreams and knowledge of the Hindu arts I obtained through my studies. I know all about psychology, architecture, archaeology, BDSM, astrology, drug dealing, politics, homicide, neurology, and quantum mechanics. I increase bone density and reflexes. I absolve shame and guilt and give talents of music, seduction, and intelligence."

"You have too much free time. Next - oh dammit, I just broke my own rule."

Next spoke a well-dressed young man. There was nothing notable about him, except that his left hand had no flesh on it and was all bone. "I am Olivier the anti-archangel, lord of cruelty. I tempt men to act mercilessly towards the poor."

Finally, a nun with a face cut vertically down the center spoke. "I am Luvert the anti-angel, lord of the shadows. I attack members of the clergy."

"Lucifuge, is that all?"

"Yes, brother."

"Finally. Let's get out of here."

The two left the room.

"Brother, I couldn't help but notice that you seemed upset."

"Of course I'm upset. Not only am I bored out of my mind, I had to interact with those retards. I'm still pissed about the France incidents."

"Oh, yes. Now I remember. Baalberith really fucked up."

"You're damn right he did. It's one thing for the rest to be so weak, but he had to make it all worse. Who's next, the Greatest Princes?"

"That's right. There's the door now."

On one side of the room was a giant black humanoid monster with a gaping mouth filled with sharp teeth. It had a mane made out of tongues. The tongues were covered in a layer of centipede legs. Its face was pulled tightly over its skull. It had no nose, instead having a gaping hole.

"Speak, you ugly bastard."

"I am Pythius, lord of fraud and commander of the Malebranche."

On the other side of the room was a humanoid mass of blood with three white ovals for "faces".

"I am Merihem, lord of violence and disease and mortal enemy of Azrael."

Lucifer breathed a sigh of relief. "I am so glad that there's only two of you."