Chapter nine

Try to wake up

It was dark, and maybe Natalie thought that no one would follow her. She couldn't control the pain that would spread through her, the fear of what she really was. She could pretend she is Natalie Fisher, but it didn't stop the dreams, it never put an end to her thoughts going to every detail.

She was human, but only because a Chameleon arch altered her DNA and memory, she was a walking lie. Natalie knew the only thing she was holding onto, and she didn't want to let him go.

She was walking along the bay, she never walked this far before, but she couldn't stop her mind going over everything.

Stopping to look at the water Natalie ran her hands into her hair, she screamed as loud as she could until her throat was sore, but it didn't help the pain in her heart. The emotions were making her mad, the confliction was enough to drive the most logical person to insanity.

A few moments in time, Natalie was moving over the railing of the bay, she sat on it feeling herself studying the water rippling in the darkness. The little things would drift in and out of her mind, but in the end it would always come down to feeling like a person on a tightrope, but whatever side she fell, she would hurt someone.

She wasn't meant to fall in love, she didn't want to be in love. Her focus on the water was trying to work the parts out in whatever state of mind she was in. The feeling of Owen's hand, the thought of him looking in her direction.

Shaking her head she tried to push the thoughts away, she couldn't keep doing this to herself.

Leaning forward, "What the fuck do you want from me?" She shouted towards the water. Her voice was horse, "Out of all the people, why me?" Her voice trying to vent out her frustrations.

While she held onto the railings, her eyes went to the water below. If she died, she would just be dead. There would be no record of her ever really being alive, all her files were fake. Closing her eyes she felt herself leaning forward, her grip loosing on the railings she sat on.

"Nat!" Owen's voice broke into Natalie's train of thought, her head shot up to see he was a good fifteen feet away from her. "What are you doing?" He broke into a sprint to get to her.

For a moment Owen stood beside Natalie, but her face looked pale under the lights of the pier. He didn't know what to do seeing her sitting both her hands holding her to the railing. "You shouldn't of come Owen." Her voice was harsh.

"Why?" Owen kept close, he was getting ready to catch her. "Nat, I need you to..."

"Need me to what?" Natalie's focus was on the water, "To carry on, to keep pretending that I can live with a lie." Her eyes closed trying to calm herself, but she couldn't. "I looked up my parents, they aren't even real!" She laughed, "I mean think about it, if I disappear, no one would even notice I'd gone."

"I'd miss you!" Owen snapped, he couldn't do it again. He couldn't believe he was falling for another impossible woman, and now he knew he was truly cursed. "You are not a lie. Not to me." Owen reached out placing a hand to her shoulder. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

Natalie closed her eyes, she felt his hand on her, and while she wanted to look at him, she couldn't bring herself to. "I can't." The feeling of tears starting to roll down her cheek. "Because I tried to be okay, but I'm not okay." Natalie tried to keep it together. "There is a weapon made to kill Time Lords Owen," Her eyes finally looking at him. "No one designs a weapon to kill the good guys."

Owen ran his hand from her shoulder down her arm, "People make weapons to just kill, it doesn't mean that you're bad." He stopped his hand to cover her hand. "You know if you chose to open the locket."

"No Owen," Natalie couldn't stop her heart aching, for a moment she was looking at Owen's face. "Because I can't leave you."

Without hesitation Owen used the moment to get Natalie off the railing, "Why would you say that?" He held her face in his hands, his eyes locked onto hers.

Natalie couldn't look away, she could feel the full power of his dark eyes. "I know the truth, but it doesn't change that I'm scared." Her voice was small, she couldn't hold it in.

Owen didn't know what to say, his words couldn't come close to changing anything, but he wanted to understand how she was feeling. "I, you. I don't understand."

"If I become who I really am, I..." Natalie bit her lip, she couldn't believe it. "I am falling for you, and I don't want to lose that feeling."

It was like a slap, a fact that Owen didn't want to think about, it hurt to think about it. He knew he was falling for Natalie, but he couldn't stop looking at her. "You can be whatever you want to be, don't let me change what you want." He brushed a piece of hair from her face. "Don't hold back on my behalf." He tried not to laugh.

Natalie reached over to touch his face, she couldn't stop her heart jumping into her throat, that all she wanted was to be happy. "I don't even know," She stepped closer towards him, she could feel his hand on her waist. "Because I can't stop how I feel..."

"Then why are we trying to stop it..." Owen said feeling her getting closer to him.

Natalie felt the pull of his eyes, and his hand against her waist sent shivers through her as her heart was beating faster with every movement. "Owen, this could end terribly" Her head titled to one side feeling his fingers caressing her cheek.

"Then fuck it!" Owen pulled her in, his lips crashing onto hers finally giving into his desire, to feel her body on his. His hand running up her back, he couldn't stop himself now he was giving into what he wanted.

Natalie pulled away from the kiss, her eyes going over Owen's. "Wow..." She dry swallowed feeling her cheeks were flushed. "I..."

Owen placed a finger to her lips, "Don't say it." He spoke in a gentle whisper. "I don't want to think of that." He hugged onto her, feeling her head rest neatly into his shoulder. "I can't." He rested his face against her hair trying to forget that he was falling in love with someone, who could leave at anytime.

Natalie wrapped her arms around Owen, her eyes closed trying to enjoy the moment, she didn't want to think of it, and she would have to hold onto this moment to push away how bad she was feeling.


The morning light shined through the curtains, and Natalie felt herself rolling to look to the small gap letting the light through. She came home alone, and she knew she had a lot to think about.

Brushing her hands over the bedding, the feeling of Owen's kiss was still replaying in her memory. It was hard for her to know what to do, she couldn't believe this was her conflict in life.

Listening to her phone ringing Natalie rolled to see Jack's number flashing up, she pressed the ignore button, but only have it ring two seconds later. "Jack..." Natalie felt bad for ignoring him, but she didn't want to think of work, she couldn't go into the hub and not think of her feelings for Owen. "Can I have this one day?"

"Feeling regret from kissing Owen?" Jack spoke smooth, but he was listening to Natalie rolling over in her bed.

Natalie forced her face into her pillow. "God, did he tell you?" She tried to control her breathing, she didn't want everyone to know.

Jack laughed, "My cameras told me," Jack answered. He walked to Natalie's bedroom door knocking loudly.

With a jolt Natalie stared at the door, hearing the knock in echo. "Are you in my flat?" She pulled the blanket up to cover herself. She couldn't believe this.

Jack tapped again, "I was worried." He then lightly opened the door to hang the phone up, then took in Natalie's face. "You're always at work before seven, and it's..." He glanced to his watch, "Twenty past eleven." He added.

Natalie grunted pulling the blanket over her head, she wanted to hide, but Jack moved across the room sitting on the bed. "I feel like a complete idiot."

"You're not an idiot." Jack lifted the blanket to see her face, she was staring at him looking nervous. "Owen's a..." He paused, "Well you make him a nicer person." He saved the sentence.

Natalie pushed the blanket from her face, she sat up to rub her face. "I still feel like I shouldn't be doing this." Her hands rested on her lap trying to think of what to say, but all she felt was horrible for having these feelings. "I shouldn't be getting feelings like this for anyone..."

Jack reached over, he lifted her chin with his index and middle finger. Making her eyes meet his. "You need to figure out what you want, do you really want to carry on this human life?"

"I thought I did, And I really want to, but a big part of me knows too much. I am living a lie." Her eyes glanced away, but felt Jack pull her attention back to him. "Jack it's not easy."

Jack nodded, "It wouldn't be easy, but then in your human form, you'll grow old. You'll get sick, could have a family, be happy, but you will die." He took a deep breathe, "But then if you wish to go back, you don't have to do it right away." He brushed her cheek with his fingers. "But I need to know what you plan, because I know where your locket is, and The Doctor said you'd know where your TARDIS is once you get the memories back."

"I know!" Natalie slapped her hands on her thighs, "But I don't want to break Owen's heart." She turned to Jack, "Because it's breaking mine just thinking..." Her hands covered her face feeling helpless.

Jack felt bad, he wrapped his arm around her, he lightly kissed her forehead. "I wish I could make this easier for you." He pulled her in tighter, "But the choice is yours, and yours alone." He felt Natalie wrapping her arms around him.

Natalie pulled away finally seeing Jack was serious. "You'll still have me as part of the team, even if I am just human?"

Jack laughed pulling her into a hug again, "You are always welcome on the team." He glanced over her face. "You're actually good at what you do." He then got off the bed, he walked over to her wardrobe pulling out a dress, then some leggings. "But you need to get up, washed and dressed." He pointed to her face. "You need to keep your work load up." He walked out the room closing the door behind himself.

Natalie sighed getting off the bed, she knew that it wasn't going to be easy, but she needed to figure something out soon.


Owen didn't want to talk to anyone, he couldn't stop over thinking that night. He didn't sleep as he kept thinking what Natalie was planning on doing. For the first time ever he was the first to turn up for work, but he felt disappointed when Gwen was the last one in, showing up late as always.

"What's got you looking grumpy," Gwen poked her head into the medical bay. "Well more grumpy than normal." She said trying to get some gossip.

Owen grunted walking around to pick up his medical kit, he was making sure everything was in date. "Fuck off." He tried to not look at Gwen.

"What's wrong?" Gwen moved into the medical bay, she knew when to be playful, but she could tell that something was bugging him.

He didn't want to talk about it, he couldn't stop the look on his face as he emptied the medical bag onto the examining table. He didn't speak keeping his attention on the medical supplies.

It didn't stop Gwen, she found herself trying to get Owen's attention. "Owen you can talk to me." Her voice was kind, she reached over to touch his arm. "Please..."

"What do you want to know?" Owen's eyes finally snapped up to Gwen. "You want to know how I feel, you want to tell me that it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Puppy eyes and flowers." Owen grunted, "That's not how it's gonna end for me Gwen, and I'm not going to be needing the advice from the bird I was shagging."

She felt taken back, but not surprised. "Owen, I know how you feel about Natalie." She tried to get passed the fact that Owen was still glaring.

He dropped what he was holding, but he was now fully pissed at Gwen, "You need to think carefully." Owen pointed to her, "Because you have no clue what I am feeling."

"Owen," Gwen started, but stopped hearing the cog door rolling open. "You should know that whatever you are feeling," She started to walk towards the stairs. "I think she feels it too..."

Owen watched her walking away, he wanted to say something, maybe a horrible remark, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything.

Walking away Gwen could see it was Jack coming back, she then see Natalie walking behind. Her face mirrored Owen's, "Hey..." Gwen watched as Natalie walked to the computer station ignoring her friendly wave. "okay..."

Tosh glanced up from her computer to watch Natalie, "You alright?" She asked studying over her face. "You look under the weather." She got up heading over to Natalie.

"Didn't sleep well," Natalie tried to smile, but it didn't quite stick. "Jack said we've got a big work load." She didn't want to share anything with Tosh at work.

Tosh shifted her eyes from Natalie, then to the medical bay. "Yea," She placed files down on Natalie's desk. "you've got to get through these," She then put a flash drive on the files, "And then you need to reprogram this." Tosh then picked up a piece of Tech, "And then you can figure out how to work this into our system." She placed that also on Natalie's desk. "So you've got a lot."

"I've got a lot?" Natalie glanced down to her desk, then back to Tosh, "And what would you be doing?" She asked trying to wrap her head around the day.

Tosh picked up her coat, "Sadly I have to see my family..." She pointed out, her eyes going over to Jack, she knew he wanted to keep Natalie busy, and she really did need to catch up with her parents.

"Guess you're lucky I don't really have family..." Natalie now pulled her chair out sitting at her desk, her eyes going over the big work load.

Tosh looked over to Jack again, she could tell he really needed her to leave, and she wasn't going to complain. "I know you can do it." She tapped Natalie's shoulder before rushing away.

"Jesus take the wheel..." Natalie muttered to herself, she knew she wouldn't be able to do this on her computer picking all the stuff up moving over to the main computer. She placed the things down, and for a second she glanced up to see Owen looking at her. "fuck."

"Nice greeting..." Owen said watching her regain herself. "Guess you slept as well as I did." He didn't want to leave her, but he couldn't stop feeling she was ignoring him.

"Sleep," Natalie tried to stifle a yawn, "Not much, I have way too much work to think of anything other than..." She started to move files around the desk, she didn't have time to fall down the rabbit hole of her emotions.

Owen placed his hand down on a file she was studying over, "You know we have to talk about it." He tried to catch her eyes. "Natalie..."

"Owen!" Natalie's face snapped up, she could see his eyes had dark circles around them, hers did too, his frown spoke volumes. She relaxed the tension in her expression. "I have too much to do." She moved his hand from the file. She felt her hand trying to give his a squeeze before watching him pull it away from her.

For a second Owen took a step back watching Natalie, He went to speak, but stopped walking away from her. He just didn't know how to act feeling rejected.


"Road accident Jack!" Gwen called, and Natalie glanced up from her work. She didn't know how Tosh took all this on her own. "I think it's our kinda thing." She pointed out, her attention going to Natalie. "Think we should bring Owen."

Owen popped out of the medical bay, "Where am I going now?" He asked trying to find a distraction.

Ianto placed a coffee next to Natalie, "Thought you need it." He placed a hand to her shoulder, he glanced over her work load. "You want to talk about it?" He asked watching everyone getting ready to go.

"Maybe later," Natalie could see Jack watching them. "I really got to get myself busy."

Jack watched Ianto with Natalie, he joined them looking to Ianto. "You're with us." He turned to Natalie. "I need you to find out all you can about the lorry." He placed a hand on Natalie's shoulder.

"Sure," Natalie could see Owen was already with Gwen heading for the exit, he did look back to her before pulling his jacket on heading out the door. "Just keep me updated." She could see everyone else going out.

The hubs door closing was a relief for Natalie to finally be alone, she placed her hands behind her head holding it tight. She placed her forehead onto the desk trying to take a moment to feel her pain. She didn't even know if she really felt a pain like this before now, if she did it wasn't as real as it was in this moment.

She didn't want to cry, but she had to let it happen, it hurt too much to hold it in trying to figure this out wasn't helping her, but she knew she would have to talk to Owen at some point, but she didn't know what she was going to say.

The tears streaming down her face turned into a sob, and the sobbing made the aching in her heart worse.

Natalie felt her eyes going to Jack's office, she didn't know what she was thinking getting to her feet. She walked to distance towards the stairs, she could feel her heart beating as she placed a hand to the office as it swung open. The office was cluttered, and it dawned on her that she never came in here. Natalie didn't know what she was looking for, but as she brushed a hand against his desk, she looked over to a photo of them all, he wanted the photo to remind him of happiness. Her fingers traced the basic silver frame, her focus on herself in Owen's arms, he was smiling, and her fingertip brushed his face, and it was hard to not use her other hand to brush the tears away.

Sitting on Jack's desk chair, she spun to look over the whole of the hub, she saw the few feet that separated the computer station from the medical bay. Holding her hand at arms length she closed one of her eyes to measure the gap between the two stations. It was easy for her to flip her shoes off, putting her feet on the chair to rest her chin on her knees. She kept looking down onto the whole of the hub, her eyes going over everything.

She couldn't stop staring, she knew she was meant to be doing work, but in the moment all she wanted to do was be still. Her hands held onto each other keeping her body close to her knees, her eyes kept a blank stare to the hub.

Natalie reached for her phone, she knew the number she was going to call, "I know this isn't fair..." She closed her eyes.

"It's okay," Tosh knew the tone, she wasn't that far away from the hub. "I'm on my way back, so you can go home." Tosh's voice was soothing. "I'll tell Jack you was sick."

"Thank you Tosh." Natalie closed the phone, her eyes still focused forward. She don't know how long they were going to be, but she lightly opened a draw, inside was the locket. She picked it up placing it back around her next before leaving the office.