(A/N)- Crossposting from Tumblr again. This one was inspired by an anon message asking me to imagine Shirou as a kitten, rubbing his face on Saber affectionately.

I did. And then I wrote a crack oneshot because I guess that's just what I do.

Super crack. Much uncanon. You get the drill.

Disclaimer: Ha ha right, sure, I have that kind of money.


Feline Follies

Rin stared down at the small orange tabby with narrowed eyes, still not entirely convinced that Saber wasn't pranking her.

"So... you're saying this is Caster's doing?" she asked, for clarification.

"It is as I have told you," Saber sighed, simmering in frustration as she explained the story yet again. "After we scouted the outskirts of Ryuudo temple, we fell into an ambush." Her fists clenched and unclenched as she relayed the tale. "As Shirou and I battled the skeletal warriors I sensed Caster's shadow hovering above us. She threw down a poultice, there was a blinding red flash and a cloud of smoke, and when it cleared Shirou was gone and in his place was this small kitten." She finished her speech with a deep breath and a helpless gesture towards the kitten in question. "I can only conclude that Caster put a spell on him, perhaps to neutralize him as a Master or cut off his mana connection to me."

Rin had a pensive finger on her chin, studying the both of them thoughtfully. "Well at least that part I can confirm," she said, feeling with her mage's intuition the frayed, severed ends of mana silting off the tiny feline. "Your mana connection is definitely gone." Squinting, Rin leaned down, crouching in front of the table where the kitten was perched. Its wide brown eyes followed her movement, looking right at her.

She had to admit, it did kind of look like Shirou.

"Is that really you, Emiya-kun?" she asked, tilting her head.

One of its ears twitched. It bobbed its head yes in a distinctively human fashion and gave a despondent, "Miaoww."

Rin straightened a fraction, a look of dull surprise crossing her face for a moment.

And then she abruptly burst into hysterical laughter.

"Pffffffffftt—ha ha ha ha ha ha!" she exclaimed, throwing back her head and holding her sides as though she would burst open.

"Rin!" Saber scolded, an offended look on her face. "This is serious! This is no time to laugh!"

"Fu-fu-fu—Of—of course not!" Rin managed between giggles. "This is very serious. I just—" She peeked at Shirou again and laughed even harder. "E-Emiya-kun—kitten—Caster!—Fu-fu-fu—I—I guess that's one way to deal with him! Ha ha ha ha!"

The kitten shifted its stance and let out a long indignant whine that, were he in human form, Rin was almost certain would translate into an exasperated, "Tohhhhhsakaaaaaa!"

Which didn't help her giggles at all.

Saber steamed at Rin as the other girl doubled over with guffaws. Her heart crawled with conflicting emotions—worry for the tiny ball of fragile-looking fur that passed for Shirou, anxiety over the loss of her mana connection, anger at herself for failing to protect her Master from Caster's attack. She squeezed her fists tightly, fuming and shooting Rin a glare.

"I see you intend to be childish about this," she bit sharply. Saber squared her shoulders, attempting some manner of knightly dignity. "V-very well!" she sputtered, her voice strained and lacking confidence. "I will simply... confront Caster and... force her to reverse her spell on my own," she declared, turning stiffly and starting to head past Rin for the door.

The kitten let out a distressed cry and leapt from its post almost immediately, jumping from the table to the floor and running to intercept her. Shirou tangled himself in her ankles, putting his tiny paws around her leg and clinging tightly, and mewling with the most pitiful heartrending sounds she'd ever heard.

"Saber no! Don't be rash about this! It's dangerous to go after Caster by yourself!" he was trying to tell her. "Please don't go!"

Saber bit her lip and looked down, her heart melting instantly at the sight of his little face, beady-eyed and pleading with her. Her shoulders slumped. She reached down to gently pick him up, and held him at face level in front of her.

"But Shirou!" she protested, her eyes wrinkling. "If we do not find a way to change you back, we will have to forfeit the Grail! We cannot fight like this! And we must do something!"

The kitten merely whined at her.

"He's right you know," Rin said, finally sober enough to talk straight. "Running off to fight Caster wouldn't help. As you are now, if you conserve your mana, you should last a good week or so, but if you get into a fight and especially if you use your Noble Phantasm..." She trailed off and let Saber draw her own conclusions.

Saber's lips pressed tightly together. Rin was right, of course, but the itch to take some kind of action—any kind—to help her Master, to hunt down Caster and make the accursed witch remove her curse, warred with her sense inside her.

Her eyes softened though, looking into Shirou's. He mewed again, whiskers twitching anxiously.

She exhaled, the tension winding out of her body with solemn defeat. "All right," she promised softly, tucking the kitten against her chest. "I'll stay."

The kitten stiffened, but as Saber started to gently pet his head he seemed to relax with a dazed, sort-of confused look.

That's... actually kind of nice... came his dull thought. A rumble started in his chest, building to a purr as Saber stroked his ears.

"Well don't let him get too comfortable with things," Rin snarked, her hands on her hips, eyes narrow again. "I can already tell you, undoing a spell like this is going to take a while." She turned to go. "Stay here. I'm going to go get my magic books."

"Please hurry," Saber begged weakly.

-FSN-

Rin flipped through the pages of the open books with pursed lips, muttering occasionally under her breath. Saber watched from the couch anxiously, the kitten Shirou settled into her lap. His head was upright and attentive, his ears flicking every so often. Saber stroked his head sometimes, almost more to reassure herself than to comfort him.

Rin leaned back on her knees with a frustrated sigh. "Just as I thought," she groaned. "This isn't going to be an easy fix."

Saber's hands gripped Shirou a fraction tighter, her eyes pinching at the corners. "But... you can turn him back, can't you?" she asked.

"Oh I can do it," Rin waved off. She shifted and started to get to her feet. "It's just a tedious process and I don't even have half of the ingredients I need." She frowned down at her books, hands on her hips. "I'll need some time to memorize the incantation perfectly too. One mispronounced syllable and I could give him wings and a lizard's tail."

Saber shifted nervously in her seat at that, but Rin didn't notice.

From behind them, where he was leaning against the doorframe, Archer asked, "So, what is the plan of attack, Master?" He'd been watching for some time now, saying nothing but smirking in a manner that Saber found... irrationally irritating.

Rin ticked off her fingers, mentally counting the supplies she already had on hand. "Well, first stop is the basement to raid Dad's old stores," she decided. "The bloodspur's going to give us some trouble though. I can order it through the apothecary but even their fastest delivery takes two days. I guess if all else fails we can pop into the church to see if Kotomine has any lying around."

As she listened, Saber had been unconsciously squeezing Shirou tighter and tighter, until he finally let out an indignant squawk. She started, forced herself to relax her grip, standing up from the couch. "H-how long will it take to undo the spell?" she asked Rin. There was something that had just occurred to her.

Only paying attention half-attention, Rin grabbed up her book and scanned down the page. "Hard to say. Like I said, it could take a while to gather all the ingredients and after that I'll need at least half a day to prepare the counterspell and then—"

"Rin?" Saber interrupted worriedly.

Rin looked over. "Yes?"

Saber looked rather unsettled as she asked, "...What are we going to tell Taiga?"

Rin blanched.

-FSN-

In the end, despite Rin and Saber's best efforts, they managed to deflect Taiga's suspicions barely more than a day.

"Oh? Where's Shirou?" the teacher had asked that evening, immediately after her usual loud barging in to announce her hunger.

With a practiced ease and a confidence she didn't actually feel, Rin had recited, "He called earlier, said he was taking an extra shift at work tonight." She'd tugged at the apron strings behind her back nervously and busied herself with getting out various pots and pans from the cupboard, so she wouldn't have to make eye contact with Taiga. "As such, I'll be taking care of dinner. Sakura, would you pass me that ladle?"

Taiga had hummed in disappointment, but seemed to accept Rin's explanation.

Saber had had much less luck the following morning.

"He... um... has departed for school already," she'd stammered out. "He left early this morning."

"Huh? That doesn't sound like Shirou..." Taiga had commented, face scrunching with bewilderment. "And without leaving breakfast for me?!" she'd complained. "What's gotten into that boy? He's never been so inconsiderate!"

"She is on to us," Saber had whispered furiously to Rin after Taiga had finally left.

"I know, I know!" Rin had replied back in a panic.

By their third attempt, Taiga had moved past indignation into outright suspicion.

"He's ill you say?" she repeated, her eyes narrowed, scrutinizing them intently.

Rin coughed lightly into her fist, while Saber shifted apprehensively on her feet, both of them flustered and avoiding eye contact.

"Yes. Terribly ill," Saber said meekly. "I would not go in to see him right now." Her palms wrung together, clammy and moist, and she resisted the urge to wipe them on her skirt. Not even the danger of battle had made the knight-king sweat so much. She couldn't believe how afraid this petite whiplash of a twenty-something-year-old teacher made her.

Taiga harrumphed. "Nonsense! If he's so sick, as his guardian, of course I should go and check on him!" And with that she shouldered past the two girls and stomped off in the direction of Shirou's room.

Rin grasped Saber's arms at once, wrinkling the fabric of her sleeves. "Where is he?" she whispered frantically.

"Underneath the table in the dining room," she replied, gaping after Taiga's receding back. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know!" Rin wailed. "Archer, can you see her? Do you think you could crawl under the covers before she reaches the room?"

"And pretend to be that boy to arrest her suspicions?" came his voice inside her head, flat and sarcastic. "Do you really think that would work?" he asked pointedly.

Rin clawed her hair with her fists and half-screamed, half-moaned in desperation. Down the hall they heard the sliding of a door being opened. Rin took off in a sprint and before Taiga had even finished her confused, "Huh? Shirou isn't even in he—" she had felled the woman with a swift judo-chop to the neck.

Saber stared in horror at the crumpled form of Taiga and the equally horrified Rin standing above her, frozen in place and petrified by what she'd just done.

Their eyes met.

"It—It's for the best," Rin squeaked.

-FSN-

Telling Sakura was a completely different matter entirely.

Rin had been staunchly against it at first. But given that Sakura was over just as often, if not more so, than Taiga, it was all but inevitable that she would catch on just as quickly.

When she heard the thump from outside Shirou's room, Sakura abandoned the stewpot at once, not even bothering to turn off the heat, and came running. The kitten poked his head out from under the table at that, and gave a helpless wail as he pursued her. Sakura didn't even notice him.

"Is everything okay?" she asked anxiously, as she neared the scene. "What is..."

She trailed off, eyes widening at the sight that met her outside Shirou's door. Rin was still petrified stiff over Taiga's supine form and Saber appeared to be trying to disappear into the wall with embarrassment.

"Fuji... mura... sensei?" Sakura called weakly, a hand up by her heart.

Nerves still rattled, at the limits of her wits, and upon seeing her sister standing there, Rin broke down and confessed everything.

Sakura took it remarkably well.

They moved back into the dining room to tell her the whole story, Saber going straight to the stewpot to try and salvage what was left of their meal. Sakura listened quietly, sitting with her hands in her lap and darting occasional wide-eyed glances at the kitten.

"And so that's why I knocked out Taiga," Rin finished, putting her head down on the table miserably.

Sakura leaned over the table at once, looking plaintively at the kitten with an earnestness that was almost adorable.

"Hang in there, sempai!" she cried, her hands flat on the table as she looked into his face. "I'm sure Nee-san will be able to turn you back to normal!"

"Mew!"

"Of course I can," Rin mumbled into her arms. "It's really not that hard when you get right down to it..."

Saber awkwardly ladled the contents of the stewpot into three bowls, juggling them in her arms as she came towards the table. "It may be slightly burned, but it seems to still be edible," she said.

An audible snore drifted up from the other side of the table, where they had dragged Taiga.

"Great," Rin muttered. "One problem solved. But what are we going to do about her?"

"Oh, don't worry about Fujimura-sensei," Sakura piped up. Some unreadable expression was on her gentle face. "I'll take care of it," she promised, with a curiously eerie smile.

Rin and Saber never found out what Sakura told Taiga exactly, but the next time they saw her awake she was as chipper as ever and acted as if everything was perfectly normal, apparently just accepting Shirou's temporary absence without further questions.

When asked, Sakura merely gave the same odd smile.

Both girls found it extremely unnerving.

-FSN-

It should have been so easy to complete his mission with Shirou's present unfortunate circumstances. But much to his eternal consternation, Archer found, two things quickly emerged to become infuriating obstacles to his path of self-annihilation.

The first was that Shirou was actually maddeningly elusive in this form. Archer wasn't quite sure how cognizant the boy was of himself now that he was a cat, or how aware he was of his surroundings, but Shirou seemed to remember disliking Archer, and made his dislike vehemently apparent, curling up protectively around Saber's neck and hissing loudly whenever he entered the room. Or bolting for the top of the kitchen cupboards where he was out of reach and inaccessible. Or hiding behind Sakura's skirts.

There were a lot of new hiding places for Shirou as a cat and Archer was not yet quite desperate enough to destroy the whole of the Emiya residence just to catch him. And despite Saber being one Excaliblast away from disappearing he had no doubts that she wouldn't hesitate to use her illustrious Noble Phantasm on him if he so much as twitched in Shirou's general direction the wrong way.

As for Sakura, well...

Something about the girl—something in the way she tilted her head at him when he was glaring after Shirou too hard, or some strange and dangerous gleam in her eyes—just made him downright nervous.

Better not to risk it.

The second obstacle he'd found was that, when it came right down to it... Archer just really really didn't have it in him to kill a kitten.

Even if said kitten was his naive younger self.

Couldn't do it.

Archer sighed deeply as he watched the orange tabby glare at him from across the room, with narrowed golden eyes and bristled fur. Shirou was hunched up underneath a dresser, a low growl rumbling through his tensed body, looking at Archer like he thought the man had come to give him a bath.

"Count yourself lucky, kid," Archer sighed again, dropping to his haunches in defeat. "If Caster had turned you into anything less cuddly I'd have already skewered you."

He rubbed a hand over his temple.

"I'm never going to live this down," he complained.

-FSN-

It wasn't so bad being a cat, really.

Oh sure, there was no way he could fight in the Grail War like this, and he didn't much relish the thought of eating mice and dried food the rest of his life... not to mention Issei and Ayako would worry about where he'd went... and his schoolwork would suffer... and he'd never be a hero of justice if he stayed a cat... but aside from that it wasn't that awful. Sakura kept him well-fed, sneaking him pieces of turkey and steak whenever she could, scratching him behind the ears and cooing that he would be back to normal soon. His senses—smell and hearing especially—had sharpened significantly. He could fit into cracks and crannies he never could before, climb to places he normally couldn't, and Shirou couldn't help but explore the house and marvel at the rooms from this new perspective.

Not to mention, in this form, Saber found him absolutely irresistible.

She rarely left the house if she could help it, and if Sakura wasn't there looking after him took the task upon herself, often scooping him up and holding him in her arms. If he sat down next to her she would unconsciously reach out a hand to pet his back. She liked to tickle his ears and scratch him under the chin, and she even nuzzled his face with hers a few times, with a lovely expression that had left Shirou quite unable to think for several minutes.

Shirou was thoroughly enjoying the attention and made a point of curling up in Saber's lap to nap and be petted whenever he could.

Still, he hoped Rin would have the counterspell ready soon. He was starting to get really sick of his fur sticking to his tongue whenever he washed himself.

-FSN-

"Verändern, verändern, verändern..."

Rin chanted in German as she titled the bowlful of purified liquid over, so that it dripped into the magic circle. Shirou sat in the center, tail flicking nervously, ears twitching this way and that as Rin performed the counterspell. Surrounding them were Archer, Saber, and Sakura, all watching apprehensively as the runes of the circle began to glow and shimmer, and a visible cloud of prana wavered in the air above the kitten.

Saber bit her lip, squeezing her hands tightly in front of her as the glow brightened, the prana cloud descended, and the small orange form of Shirou was lost to sight for a moment.

Please return to me, Master, she begged, watching as a dark shape twisted inside the glowing fog, growing taller.

Rin's chanting reached a climax, the glow became blindingly white a moment, and both Saber and Sakura shielded their eyes.

When it faded, there was Shirou, his hair a little mussed up but otherwise looking none the worse for wear.

He tentatively flexed his hand in front of his face. "I think it worked," he said.

Rin gave her hair a prideful flip. "Of course it worked," she harrumphed confidently. "I'm not the Tohsaka family heir for nothi—"

She cut herself off, eyes widening upon realizing that the restored Shirou was, well... stark naked.

"—thi—thi—WAAAAUUGH! Where are your clothes?!" she cried, shielding her face with her arms.

Shirou's heart jolted and he looked down.

He gawped and tried to cover himself immediately.

Behind him, Sakura had blushed full-face red, even as she stared openly with wide eyes. Saber had her hand over her mouth, and was very determinedly looking down towards his feet, her cheeks pinker than Shirou had even seen.

Archer, meanwhile, could be heard holding back snickers in the corner.

It was the most annoying sound in the world.

Shirou's face flamed with heat and he shrunk into his shoulders, glowering. Several long and awkward seconds passed.

"Well... don't just stand there!" he complained.

"S-sempai..." Sakura stammered, finally turning her face away with embarrassment.

Saber managed to overcome her mortification enough to reach down and pick up Rin's coat from the floor, holding it out to him with one hand while the other still cupped her face.

"Please, use this to cover yourself, Master," she said, slightly muffled.

The boy accepted the coat gratefully, slinging it on at once and immediately buttoning down the front.

"Jeez..." he muttered.

"Sorry about that," Rin could be heard mumbling. "It just didn't occur to me before we started that you weren't wearing anything."

"It's fine, Tohsaka," he said, even though his ears still burned and inside he felt like crawling into a deep hole after exposing himself in front of not only Saber but Sakura and Rin as well. Along with Archer. The red-clad Servant was still snickering irreverently goddammit.

His Servant, his classmate, a girl he considered almost family, and the man he wanted most to punch in the face. A perfect quartet of embarrassing.

Shirou inhaled slowly, then let out a deep breath.

"I left some, um... 'business' out in the front yard," he said, gesturing toward the door with his thumb. "I'll go get changed and then clean that up. Sakura, will you be all right to start dinner?" he asked.

Sakura turned back from the wall she had been finding so interesting to reply confidently, "Y-yes, sempai. Of course." She beamed brightly, rolling up her sleeves and turning to get to work.

Switching gears, Shirou opened his mouth to thank Rin, but she was already hastily gathering up her magic books, her bowl, and her jewels and seemed very reluctant to engage him in conversation.

"Ah, Tohsaka," he said, attempting anyway. He tried to catch her eyes as she bent down. "Thanks. I really appreciate you turning me back to nor—"

She straightened up with a rigid snap that surprised him, her finger pointed at him in warning.

"Never speak of this again," she growled, "and I'll consider us even."

With that she turned on her heel and stalked away.

"...Okay?" Shirou replied, helplessly.

A slight flutter at his side alerted him to Saber. She was smiling up at him, the pink receding from her face.

"I am happy to see you returned to human form," she said. "I was terribly worried our enemies would take advantage of your defenseless state."

"Oh?" Shirou teased, tilting his head. "Is that why you couldn't keep your hands off me?"

The pink returned. "I have no idea what you're referring to," Saber denied, not looking at him.

"I seem to recall you petting me. A lot. And sitting me in your lap. And—"

"I was merely—" Saber interrupted, then scrambled for the words a moment, "—keeping you close so I could defend you in case of an attack."

Shirou chuckled. "Sure, sure." He couldn't help the grin that pulled at the corners of his mouth. "If you say so."

She crossed her arms in an adorable pout. "Shirou, I don't appreciate the tone you're using. I have spoken nothing but the truth."

Shirou chuckled harder and Saber fumed a moment.

"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

"Nothing," he managed, in-between giggles. He composed himself and offered her a smile. "It's just nice to know that Saber has a gentle side after all," he said warmly.

Saber's eyes blinked open wide and the anger dropped at once from her face, leaving a blank look of thunderstruck bafflement. Her cheeks colored a few shades darker and she averted her gaze shyly, her fingers playing with each other in front of her.

"You are... too kind..." she murmured. "I... will admit I did find you in your small feline form rather... endearing..."

She cleared her throat.

"I shall not keep you from your task. Please, go on ahead and get changed. I will join you in the courtyard shortly."

"Okay Saber," Shirou said, still smiling, heading past her toward his room.

With the way things had turned out, he almost didn't know if wanted to kill Caster or thank her. Maybe being turned into a kitten for a few days hadn't been so unforgiva—

Archer gave one last snicker behind him as he passed through the door.

"That coat doesn't suit you. You don't have the legs for it, Kitten Emiya," the Servant mocked.

Shirou gave an irritable twitch.

Kill her. Definitely kill her.