Chapter 4 To remember

"Umm, Hi, everyone I umm want to sing a song that is very special to me, this is the song I sang the first time I ever met the love of my life, so Kurt this is for you."

Before you met me, I was alright, but things were kind of heavy you brought me to life now, every February, you'll be my Valentine, Valentine….

They were walking through Central Park when Kurt finally asked the question that Blaine didn't want him to ask, and he had to tell him the truth. He had been so blind and so stupid and thought honestly that they would fight, work through it, but somehow they would survive, that their love was strong enough, they would make it.

Blaine woke up gasping for air, as sobs wracked through his body, jerking up trying to breathe, only then remembering that Bryce had been in bed with him. He quickly looks over to where Bryce should have been, afraid that he had woken him up and that he was going to have to explain that he sometimes had nightmares from when he and Kurt broke up, but Bryce wasn't there.

Blaine had lost count of how many times he had woken Dave up, gasping for air, sobs breaking free as he relived two of the worst days of his life. Sometimes the nightmares centered around the first break up, but usually, it was the second that he seemed to have the worst nightmares from.

Once again, he looks over to where Bryce had been and saw an empty bed. Sheets and blankets pulled up as if he had never even been there. Blaine had always hated that toward the end, before he and Kurt's final break up. Kurt had gotten to where he would come in from work late, usually long after Blaine had finally gone to bed and fallen asleep. Blaine would stay awake as long as he could, just hoping to get to see Kurt, hoping they could spend even a moment together, only to wake up in the morning to find an empty bed, and Kurt's side made up, just like Bryce's was this morning. Once again, another sign he missed.

No matter how early Blaine set his clock, Kurt was always gone when he woke up. If it weren't for the few times he would wake up to snuggle next to Kurt before falling back to sleep, Blaine would have thought Kurt never came to their bed.

That was usually how his second dream went, him laying there in bed, just waiting for Kurt to come home, wanting to spend some time together, even if it was just to talk, only to end with him sitting at the restaurant, rain pouring down behind him as Kurt says they had a good run but should just end things before they really started hating each other.

Blaine ran the heels of his hands across his eyes, and then through his hair as he stands up and heads to the shower. He no longer gels his hair as he did in school. The makeup person had given him a new product to use. It was best when applied right after showering, so he usually did that before heading to the studio. Blaine next reaches into the medicine cabinet and pulls out the tube of cream he started using right after the second break up. Blaine always had swollen, puffy eyes from crying, and the cream seemed to help cover it up. He knows that once he gets to the lot, they will use makeup to cover everything up, but Blaine didn't want to risk running into Cooper beforehand and letting him be concerned for no reason.

Blaine walks over to his dresser and pulls out the most comfortable pair of jeans and t-shirt he has and puts them on. Once again, knowing he will have to change when he gets to the lot. Wardrobe will have an outfit picked out for him, but he just wanted to be comfortable right now. He knows once he gets to work, he'll be ok. It usually just takes a little while for him to shake the way he feels after having one of those dreams. Dave used to hold him through it, hold him while he cried. He missed the physical contact. Not for the first time, Blaine hopes he hasn't caused Dave to go through something like that, he was such a special person and so didn't deserve it. Blaine almost wishes he had kept his answer no when Dave first asked him out.

Once his cab pulls up, Blaine walks outside and climbs in. He usually spends his morning commute talking to his driver, but today he just can find the energy. He knew one thing though, he was tired of waiting for cabs. He had had to do it the whole time he was in New York unless he took the subway, which usually took longer than waiting on a cab, to begin with. Once he is dropped off at the studio, Blaine walks straight to make up still not in the mood to see anyone yet. He spends his time while in the chair, contemplating getting with Cooper to see if he will take him to look for cars. He was finally ready.

Once he's done with hair and makeup, he heads to wardrobe and almost laughs at the outfit they had picked out for him for today's shoot. He swears they must have gone through his closet at his parent's house, where he'd left all his old clothes from when he graduated from McKinley. He could almost swear that if they looked closely, they would find this outfit hanging up in his closet bowtie and all.

When he gets done with wardrobe, he still hasn't run into Cooper, so he goes into Craft services and grabs a coffee and sits down. He is on his second cup when he hears Cooper and Bryce walking up behind him.

"Damn squirt, did you go home to mom and dad's and raid your old closet?" Cooper asked laughing

Blaine burst out laughing too, "I swear I thought the same thing, I think this is the outfit I was wearing the day you visited McKinley and told me to stop letting my boyfriend dress me."

"Yes, yes, that's it. I can't believe they had you wear that today" Cooper said, still laughing.

"I know, right…" Blaine said, looking at him.

"I still stand by that comment. You should never have let Kurt dress you. Now, we just need to figure out what wardrobe was smoking," Cooper said with a grin.

"And I stand by what I said then, Kurt didn't dress me that was all on me," Blaine said, laughing before he realized what he had just said and that he hadn't spoken a word to Bryce yet. He was just about to rectify that when he was called for his first shoot of the day. He was working with the guy who plays Adam, Alex's ex-boyfriend

Blaine stands up, smiles quickly at Bryce, and heads to the sound stage where they were filming his next part.

"So, you knew Kurt," Bryce said, looking at Cooper.

"Yeah, I met him once. He seemed like a halfway decent kinda guy, I guess. He did say something I didn't like at the time, though. Blaine introduced us. He realized who I was and remembered a commercial I had done. He just stood there staring at me, then looked at Blaine and said, "Blaine, your brother is the best looking man in North America."

"I mean who does shit like that, who says something like that to their boyfriend or girlfriend about another person. I could tell Blaine was hurt, but Kurt just kept standing there grinning," Cooper said shaking his head, still now believing it had happened.

"Wow" was the only thing Bryce could say

"Exactly, this even after Blaine transferred schools to be with him. Blaine convinced our parents to let him change schools so that he could be close to Kurt, and then he pulls the shit he does, I have some very strong feelings about Blaine's ex. I hate to say it, but I'm kinda glad that Kurt broke the engagement. I didn't see that lasting at all." Cooper said, standing up and heading the way Blaine had walked with Bryce walking beside him.

"Adam, what do you think you are doing?" Blaine says, looking at the guy playing Adam as he reaches out and pulls him to him.

"Come on, Alex, I heard you and Beau broke up, you're free to see me again," Adam said before leaning in and kissing him.

Blaine pushes him away "No we didn't break up, we had a little argument yesterday, we are still very much together, and even if we weren't that doesn't mean I would want you to kiss me," Blaine said before turning around and walking away as the director says cut and asks them to redo the scene because something was off with the lighting.

Bryce stands there and watches Blaine redo the kissing scene three times before the director is satisfied. They walk off the set laughing, and Bryce has to admit he didn't like it. He didn't like seeing Blaine kiss someone else. He doesn't know where that came from, Blaine was just doing a scene, and Bryce has never been jealous of someone before.

Bryce stands there watching as Blaine walks up to him and Cooper. "Hey Coop, can I talk to you a minute?" Blaine asks, and he and Cooper walk off together

"What's up squirt?" Cooper asks, putting his arm across Blaine's shoulder as they walk away.

"Listen, can you take me to look at cars today, I want to take Bryce out Friday, but I don't want to have to pick him up in a cab," Blaine says, looking behind him at Bryce.

"Sure we can do that. I only have two more scenes so we can leave whenever you're done." Cooper says with a smile. He is glad that Blaine is going to ask Bryce out, so tired of seeing his little brother hurt, he wants him to be happy again.

Blaine finishes up his last scene of the day and is about to head out when he realizes he still hasn't talked to Bryce yet today, other than saying good morning and during the two small scenes they had together. Their characters were still having issues with their relationship they are trying to work through.

"Hey, me and Cooper are about to head out for the day, can I call you tonight?" Blaine asked, walking up to Bryce with a soft smile on his face.

"Yeah, that would be good," Bryce said before he turns around and walks to the set, being called back for his next scene.

Blaine notices a strange look on Bryce's face and hopes that he wasn't regretting what they had done last night. Blaine knows they went farther than he had intended them to at this stage in their relationship, but Bryce seemed to be just as into it as he was. Blaine didn't think he had pushed him. Now he is worried and wishes he had taken a few more minutes today to talk to him.

Blaine ends up buying an Audi A8 in black. He had always loved the one his parents had bought him when he turned sixteen. He missed having his own car, being able to come and go as he wanted to without having to wait for a cab to take him somewhere.

"Thanks for coming with me, Coop, well for bringing me," he said with a grin "You wanna go grab dinner, my treat this time I have another favor to ask you…"

oOoOo

Today, Blaine woke up hurting. Today they would have been together four years, and this was the first anniversary he would be spending alone. Even between their breakups, they had always been together on this date.

Blaine didn't say anything to anyone, just went to work, did his thing and left as soon as his scenes were done, not wanting to be around anyone, missing Kurt so bad it hurt. Wondering for the hundredth time if he had done the right thing in saying goodbye. Blaine knew deep down he had, but on days like this though, it was hard to remember that. He thought back to all the good times they had had because there had been a lot. Their first kiss, their first date, the first time they said I love you, the first time they had made love, when Kurt had agreed to be his boyfriend, and then when he agreed to marry him.

Blaine thought Kurt would be his forever. He had been prepared for forever, and now, he had to learn to live without him, move on, and see if he could create a life with someone else. But not really seeing how. How could anyone take the place of his Kurt? The person he had always loved above anyone else and needed more than anything. Kurt had become his person, his life.

Blaine drove himself to his apartment, when he walked in the first thing he did was put his phone in his sock drawer that way when he got drunk he wouldn't be tempted to call Kurt, because right now that was all he wanted to do. Blaine wanted to pick up his phone call Kurt and beg him to take him back. He then went into the living room, grabbed the bottle of bourbon Blaine had had Cooper buy for him, broke the seal, and started drinking, feeling like crying the whole time. How had this happened, how had they gotten to this point, when had something that had always seemed so perfect between them, gone so terribly wrong?

Before long, the doubts started settling in. Had Kurt ever really loved him, why wasn't he good enough. Why had Kurt pulled away from him the first time, leaving him feeling so lost and alone until he had messed up? Blaine had reached out to someone else because he had just wanted to feel again. He had just felt so numb, so hopeless.

He remembers when June Dolloway told him he should break off the engagement, Blaine remembers how shocked he was, because, to him, Kurt was more important than any future she might have been able to offer him. He had potentially given up an opportunity for himself, instead of letting Kurt be hurt. He had brought him up to sing at his showcase even though June had pretty much told him that if he screwed her over, she would leave him like driftwood.

Blaine stumbled over to his laptop. He was going to watch the video he had saved of him and Kurt doing American boy. It had always been one of his favorites of all the duets they had done, that and "Baby its cold outside" thinking back on that he wonders again how he didn't know then what Kurt had meant to him, wishing with everything he had that someone could have been there to record that one.

When his laptop got booted up, he was surprised by all the email notifications that kept popping up, before he knew it, he had about twenty new emails from his friends with the New Directions and even the Warblers, each one with a link to a YouTube video. Like an idiot, he clicked on it, and then wished with everything he had that he hadn't, it was labeled "Our Anniversary."

"Blaine, I know you won't see this, but I couldn't let today pass without saying Happy Anniversary. Today, four years ago, we became boyfriends, one of the best days of my life. You are and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I still can't believe how badly I screwed up, losing you."

"I still miss you so very much, and I love you just as much now as I did then. I am so sorry I pushed you away the first time that caused you to do what you did. And the last time we broke up…, I don't even know where to begin. I still can't believe I did that, after everything I just let you go, I ended it, pushed you away, I will regret that for the rest of my life."

"Always know you are still my best friend, I will still be here for you, I told you I would fight for you, this is the only way I know how. I love you Blaine, more today than yesterday. I miss you. I miss us, God. I can't believe how badly I screwed everything up, and oh how bad this hurts."

Blaine watched it three times before stumbling back over to where he had left the bottle; he poured himself another glass and downed it before refilling his glass and doing it again.

He apparently hadn't turned the video off and realized it only when it switched to Zedd's Clarity. He didn't even pay it any attention until he heard…

Hold still right before we crash
'Cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks till it breaks your glass
And I drown in you again
'Cause you are the piece of me
I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly
Still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Blaine picked up the now half-empty bottle of bourbon and throws it and watches as it smashed against the wall, liquor, and glass flying everywhere, and he just can't bring himself to care, as he slowly slides down to the floor, before completely falling apart.

oOoOo

Bryce was bored; he had really expected Blaine to ask him out tonight. They had gone out together the last 2 Friday nights, and Bryce assumed they would tonight as well, but Blaine hadn't asked him, and he still wasn't comfortable enough yet to ask Blaine.

Blaine had had a short schedule today; he was only in one scene. Normally on days like that, he would stay on set and watch as everyone else did theirs, but today he had walked off the set and left not really saying anything to either Cooper or him, nothing.

Bryce had gone up to Cooper to ask if something was wrong, and he looked as confused as Bryce was. He had no idea, Blaine hadn't said anything, but he wasn't acting right. So, Bryce went home, hoping when Blaine was ready, he would call.

He was flipping through TV channels trying to come up with something to watch, but after scrolling through all his channels twice, he gave up. Nothing grabbed his attention, so he walked up to his laptop and decided to update his Twitter feed, and then he remembers something Blaine had said to him the night they had their talk about YouTube and cheerleaders.

He quickly pulls up YouTube and then racks his brain, trying to remember the name of the school he said he went to at the time, and for the life of him can't remember, he does, however, remember him talking about the Dalton Academy Warblers. He types that in and then can do nothing but grin at all the videos listed.

He played through everyone that showed Blaine in the thumbnail, not believing how wonderful his voice was. He watches through Raise your glass, misery, bills, bills, bills, laughs when he sees the Warblers at what can only be the Gap, watching as Blaine follows a curly head man around the store, singing 'When I Get You Alone,' and then almost cries when he watches 'Somewhere only we know,' seeing the look of sadness on Blaine's face as he looks at a boy that could only have been Kurt, you could feel the love he had, and Bryce once again can't understand how Kurt had just walked away.

That video led him to the channel where it was posted, and Bryce did cry. The name of the channel was simply titled "Somewhere Only We Know." On this channel, he saw nothing but video after video of Blaine.

The channel information said, "This channel is dedicated to the one I let go, the one I pushed away, the one I hurt. Blaine, I love you, always have always will. You are my best friend, and I told you I would fight for you. When we broke up the first time, you fought to get me back. This is my way of fighting for you.

What hurts the most, and makes him finally understand why Blaine acted the way he did today was the video that had been uploaded this morning at 8 am, after Blaine would have been on set. It was simply titled Our Anniversary. He watched it. Today, if they had made it, they would have been together for four years. Bryce hurts for him.

He looks through a few of the other videos that Kurt had posted on his channel, videos of them doing duets together, at what looked like a high school, and then he saw one labeled proposal. He clicked on the link and watched Blaine propose to Kurt in the most beautiful way possible, surrounded by friends. They had both looked so happy, and Blaine had looked so beyond in love. Bryce once again wonders how someone could have just walked away from something like that, true he only had Blaine's side of what happened, but judging from that video, they had both been very much in love. The last one he watched caught his attention because he saw one of his favorite actress's June Dolloway.

He watched as Blaine sang with her, and was in such awe of him, but what got his attention was when he sang American Boy with Kurt, they were amazing together.

He watched, as while they were singing, they walked out to the audience and started pulling people from the crowd, and that is when he recognizes two of them, one he had seen on billboard's top ten Mercedes Jones, and then Rachel Berry who he had seen in a magazine, talking about her upcoming opening night performance of Fanny Brice. He knew Blaine had said he drunk kissed a Rachel Berry, but he never put two and two together to realize it was THAT Rachel Berry.

He sits back and wonders if he should show this to Blaine, let him know that Kurt was still thinking about him, and in a way fighting for him. He really doesn't know. He was starting to have feelings for Blaine, what if he shows him and he decides to go back with Kurt. He doesn't know what to do.

The decision, however, is taken out of his hands the following Monday morning, he hadn't talked to Blaine at all that weekend, and was really worried about him, and he also hadn't seen him on set yet today. He knows his first scene of the day wasn't until after lunch, but he still figured he would come out and talk to Cooper if not to him, but he still hadn't seen him.

He had finally found the cheerleading videos that Blaine had talked about and watched them and had brought his laptop with him today, thinking that if he got bored, he could just watch some more videos. He had just pulled up the one where Kurt was telling Blaine Happy Anniversary ….

"What are you looking at?" Blaine asked in a not so happy sounding voice from behind him.

"I found this Friday and wanted to show you," Bryce said, feeling stupid for letting Blaine see it.

"Oh trust me, I saw it when I got home Friday my inbox was full of emails from my "friends" telling me to check out that fucking video as if Friday wasn't going to be bad enough already."

"What my ex failed to post in his little speech was how he pushed me away when he first moved to New York, how he decided to stop answering my calls, my texts. There was no one there recording when he blew up at me because "I could have asked his permission before deciding to make changes to his home."

"He also failed to post the night he broke up with me for no fucking reason at all. Because ya know what he sure as hell wasn't recording that shit", no those "precious" moments were between him and me. You won't see any of that on there."

"I can't believe you of all people are sitting there watching that shit, after everything I told you, you know what fuck it," Blaine says walking away, leaving Bryce sitting there with his mouth hanging open. He had never seen Blaine angry before and didn't even know how to begin to fix this.

oOoOo

Blaine hurt oh god he hurt, first dealing with friends sending him reminders of just how bad his life sucked, but to walk out and see Bryce watching it, was just too much. The only way he had gotten through Friday and the weekend was knowing he would see Bryce today. He would be able to hold him again. He couldn't over the weekend, he couldn't hold him with Kurt so heavy on his mind, but Blaine knew he would see him here today. But when he walked up and saw him watching that video, it had hit him all over again, and he had just blown up at him. That was why he hadn't wanted to see Bryce over the weekend because Blaine knew until he had shaken off all the bad feeling he had for Kurt again, he wouldn't be good company and would say something he wouldn't mean and would regret it, and that is precisely what he had done.

Blaine stayed in his trailer until he was called on the set for his scene, luckily today, once again, none of them were with Bryce they were with Cooper, and Cooper knew Blaine well enough to know what he needed to do to push Blaine through it. His performance was flawless, not a mistake made, when they were done Cooper pulled him into a hug before walking off the set with him, arms wrapped around him, taking him to his trailer and then holding him as Blaine fell apart. Cooper had been waiting for it since he saw Blaine blow up on Bryce, knowing that it had nothing to do with Bryce himself, but also knowing that Blaine had to let go, he had to get the anger out. Hopefully, he didn't just end something that Cooper was sure was perfect for Blaine.

Once Blaine pulls himself together, Cooper drives him to his house, hands him a bottle and a glass, and sits back as Blaine tells him what had happened, what had caused the blow-up, and finally asking how he could fix this.

A/N: I don't own glee or either of the songs mentioned in my story. This is unbeta'd so any mistakes are of my own making. Please review, and thanks for reading.