Chapter 11 Kurt

oOoOo

Kurt couldn't believe just how stupid he had been. He had ended it with Blaine, he had pushed him away one too many times, and this time Blaine was through, he wasn't coming back. Kurt had always thought in the back of his mind, Blaine would just be there waiting for him to come back, that Blaine would be ready to get back together when Kurt was. He realized too late just how wrong he had been when he had gotten back to Lima.

He'd heard that Blaine and Rachel had both gone back to Ohio, Blaine to coach the Warblers, and Rachel trying to revamp the New Directions, he took a break from school and followed them. He had wanted to be where they were. Kurt was hoping that if he was there too, he could somehow win Blaine back, somehow work things out, the way they had always worked things out before.

When he'd found out that Blaine was with Dave, Kurt realized how wrong he had been. He had just never seen the possibility that Blaine would date someone else, let alone move in with them. Blaine had always just been Kurt's, and he had always thought Blaine would stay that way, why he didn't know. Blaine was too good of a person to be alone. He deserved someone to treat him as special as he was, in a way that Kurt now realized he never had.

He misses Blaine and the way they used to be, the way they could talk about anything or just sit quietly together, saying nothing, just being them. He hated the distance between them now, the distance he had created. Nothing felt right anymore. There was a tension between them that had never been there before. A quiet silence that just felt so wrong.

They had seemed to be getting close again, especially after Sue had locked them in her fake elevator that kiss they had shared had been magical, almost up there with the first kiss they had ever shared, back when everything was so new, and they had been so nervous. He can still remember the feeling of Blaine's lips on his, wishing with all his heart he could feel them again.

After they got out of the elevator, they seemed to reconnect somehow. They were talking, joking again, and anytime they were together, Blaine always hugged him goodbye. After Rachel's house party, when he had walked with Blaine outside, they had kissed, and just like that Kurt was home, everything seemed so perfect. He had loved the feeling of being back in Blaine's arms again, knowing if he ever got the chance, he would never leave them again.

When he had heard a few days later that Blaine and Dave had broken up, he had been hopeful. Hoping that they would be able to talk everything out, manage to fix them again, get back to where they were. He knew it would take a lot of work to get Blaine to trust him again, and that was time he would willingly spend. Kurt remembered after they had gotten back together the first time after Blaine had cheated, he had always told Kurt that if their time apart had taught him anything, it was that nothing was worth them being apart again, Kurt felt the same. He would never do anything to break them apart again if he ever got Blaine back.

When they had made love, Kurt had wanted to cry. It had been so perfect, Blaine had been so sweet, caring and gentle, he had fallen in love with him all over again, everything looked like it was going to work out until Blaine had pulled out of him and walked away to the bathroom. Blaine had always wanted to cuddle after they made love, but this time Blain had just walked away. He brought Kurt back a washcloth, which threw him as well. Blaine had always wanted to be the one to clean Kurt off, lovingly taking care of him, a lot of times kissing his stomach afterward. Those were his first signs that something was very wrong.

When Blaine had sat down, he wouldn't look at him, just kept rubbing his hand over his face, when Kurt had finally asked if everything was ok Blaine had said: "Not really Kurt that should never have happened, we should not have done that, it was a mistake."

Kurt had never once thought anything that they had done could ever be considered a mistake, especially making love, but in that instant, his world ended, his Blaine wasn't his anymore. If he hadn't known it before that moment, he knew it then. It had been magical and perfect until it was over, and Blaine had looked at him and said it had been a mistake.

He didn't see Blaine again. Kurt heard through mutual friends that Blaine had turned in his two-week notice and left town, Blaine hadn't even said goodbye, he had just left. Kurt had stayed and helped Rachel get the New Directions back up and running, and then he had gone back to New York, back to the life he had once wanted and thought was so important. More important than the relationship he had with his boyfriend. Now Kurt would trade everything if it meant he could have Blaine back again.

oOoOo

When he had gotten back to New York, Kurt went back to NYADA. He was only taking two classes that semester, so he also went back to Vogue working for Isabelle again, he immersed himself in his job. Still, nothing felt the same. Nothing would ever feel the same again. He had lost Blaine for good. He had finally pushed him too far, and there was no coming back from that. He could understand it, he really could, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with.

Two weeks after Kurt had gone back to New York, Rachel had stopped by the loft on her way home to Lima. She had done an interview in California, and she had looked so excited. Rachel had seen Blaine, had talked to him. She found out that after leaving Lima, Blaine had gone to Los Angeles to spend some time with Cooper and had landed a role in a new tv show they were filming. When Kurt had asked her how Blaine was, she just said he looked good, that he seemed happy, and appeared to be in a good place.

"I need to tell you, though. He seems to have met someone. He introduced him as a 'friend,' but judging from the body language, I think it might have been more. I'm sorry, Kurt I just thought you needed to know," Rachel said, hating the hurt look that crossed Kurt's face.

"Was it someone I would recognize?" Kurt had asked, glad she had told him, but upset as well. Kurt had never thought about Blaine moving on like that. At least this way, he wouldn't be shocked when he read about it in the tabloids.

"Oh yeah, someone you would definitely recognize. Bryce Mitchell," Rachel had said, and Kurt's world had fallen apart.

"Hey Kurt, it's gonna be ok. He did have a message for you," Rachel had continued

"What," Kurt had sat there looking at her, wondering if there was anything she could say that could give him any kind of hope.

"He wanted me to tell you hi, and that he was thinking about you. See? That's a good thing, right? Listen, I need to go. I just wanted to stop and let you know. I love you, Kurt, don't give up hope yet," Rachel had said right before she walked out the door. Kurt had tried to hold out hope he did until he no longer had a reason to.

The week of their anniversary, the first one they would be spending apart, Kurt had felt so very down. He had created a YouTube channel. He had been trying to figure out a way he could fight for Blaine. When they had broken up the first time, Blaine had always done little things to let Kurt know that he still loved him that he still wanted him, was still thinking about him, he had fought to get Kurt back. Kurt wanted to do the same thing. He wanted to fight for Blaine, fight to let him know that he still loved him and wanted him back. The only way that Kurt could think of to do that was to fall back on their old routine. If they needed to say something to each other and sometimes just couldn't find the words, they would say it in song. Kurt decided to set up a YouTube channel dedicated to Blaine. If he couldn't see Blaine personally, he could at least post his thoughts on there. Kurt wanted Blaine to know he wanted him back. He posted his first video on their anniversary. He didn't know if Blaine would see it, but he wanted to do something, he had to try, he needed Blaine back in his life, even if just as friends, his world had been just wrong without him being in it.

Kurt felt hopeful that that might be possible when he had stumbled across Blaine's YouTube channel. Kurt saw the videos that Blaine had posted, knowing that they had been put on there for him. Kurt had watched them over and over, crying like a baby, wondering for the millionth time how he could have just walked away from the best thing that had ever happened to him, which made him cry even harder. In the back of his mind, Kurt held out hope. Blaine was thinking about him, Blaine had sent him a message both with Rachel and then by creating a channel and posting the video's he had recorded. No, Blaine might not be ready to talk yet, but he was reaching out in his own way to let Kurt know he still thought about him.

Kurt carried that hope in his heart, until, that is, he read on the cover of every single magazine, he saw, including Vogue, and saw on every TV channel and news outlet that Blaine Anderson and Bryce Mitchell had gotten married in London. The reports then went on to say that not only were they married, but that Blaine would be adopting Bryce's child. Kurt had been devastated, and he was finally forced to give up hope. He had lost Blaine for good. He honestly didn't know how he was going to survive it. Blaine had been his for four years, and now, he was lost to him forever.

When it was time for the People's Choice Awards, Kurt went back to Lima. He had watched that award show for as long as he could remember first with Rachel and Mercedes, and then once Blaine had entered his life, Kurt had watched it with him either snuggled up on the couch or cuddling with him in bed. When Kurt had learned that Blaine was not only going to be performing, but was also up for an award, Kurt knew he couldn't miss it, but also knew he couldn't watch it alone. He needed to have someone with him.

It had been so long since he saw Blaine sing, the last time had been their duet at Rachel's. He watched as Blaine walked out on stage, he looked at the camera and smiled that smile that Blaine had always saved just for him alone, his smile and Kurt couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face. He hurt so bad, thinking of all he had given up, pushed away from fear. Instead of just talking to Blaine explaining how he felt so that they could work it out, he had ended them

Kurt almost turned the TV off, honestly not knowing if he would be able to sit there and watch it, but Rachel had stopped him. She knew that he would regret it if he didn't finish the show. He smiled when he heard the beginning chords of the song Blaine started playing on the piano, smiling his smile into the camera before he stood up and the curtains open and Kurt watched as all the original Warblers walked out in their uniforms, handing Blaine a blazer to put on. Then they got into the standard Warbler formation and helped Blaine finish singing "Teenage Dream," the song that had started everything, and at one point, ended it as well. Kurt could only laugh as he watched Blaine do all the facial expressions Kurt had fallen so in love with that day.

Kurt about fell out of his seat as he watched Blaine walk up to the mic, and take his blazer off, throwing it over his shoulder the way Kurt had seen him do so many times after their last class of the day before he left Dalton. Kurt had always thought Blaine looked sexy standing there like that. He remembered his heart always skipped a beat like it started to do then. But what really got Kurt was when Blaine smiled into the camera and said, "That's for you, Nemo, hope you liked it," and then he winked. Kurt couldn't believe what he had just seen Blaine do, heard what he just said. Kurt had known in that instant that Blaine was talking to him. Only the two of them would understand the meaning of Nemo. Kurt sat there in shock with his mouth open before a smile spread across his face. That is when Kurt saw the bracelet on Blaine's left arm, the bracelet he had placed there when they had gotten engaged. Kurt had wanted something for Blaine to wear, and he knew a bracelet would fit Blaine's personality more than a ring would.

When Kurt had placed it on his wrist, Blaine had leaned over and placed the softest, sweetest kiss on Kurt's lips. He promised he would never take it off. He would always wear it. After their breakup, Blaine had taken it off after all. That had been one of the first things Kurt noticed the night he had met Blaine at Scandals. He no longer wore the bracelet. Kurt's heart had broken a little that day, wondering if Blaine had thrown it away, gotten rid of it like it meant nothing. Kurt couldn't really have blamed him if he had, Kurt, had, after all, taken off his engagement ring, but he had put it somewhere safe. He had put it back in the box it came in and placed it and the chewing gum wrapper promise ring Blaine had made for him in high school, in the top drawer of his dresser, so he always knew where they were and he knew that they were safe. Those rings still meant something to him. They were important.

Kurt didn't know why seeing that bracelet on Blaine's arm again made him so happy. Blaine was still married, and if Kurt looked close enough, he could still see that little gold band encircling Blaine's ring finger, so, therefore, Blaine was still out of Kurt's reach. He knew that Blaine had learned his lesson about cheating the hard way, and he would never do it again.

He and Rachel continued watching the show. They cheered when Blaine won his award. Kurt's mouth flew open again when he walked up to the mic and thanked his parents, his brother and little girl, but then looked into the camera and said "To my friends who have always been there for me, and Nemo, you know who you are," and then held up the award. Kurt noticed right away that he hadn't mentioned Bryce at all.

"Who is Nemo?" Rachel asked him, looking confused.

"I'm not sure," Kurt said, that nickname was something special between the two of them, and he couldn't share it with anyone, not even Rachel. It meant too much.

He proudly watched as Blaine walked up and accepted his second award of the night, looking shocked, like he didn't deserve it. Blaine had always been an amazing actor, Kurt remembered when Blaine had played Tony in Westside story, he had been so good, and Kurt still stands by what he said that day, that Blaine made the perfect Tony.

He had watched him perform short skits in some of NYADAs plays. Then there was the work he had done in South of Always. He deserved that award, and Kurt figured everyone, but Blaine knew it. He had just had that thought when the camera panned over to Bryce, Kurt could have sworn he saw a look of almost hatred cross his face before he quickly replaced it with a big fake smile.

oOoOo

Kurt woke up to his alarm blaring a country song. Why?…. He doesn't listen to country, but that was definitely a country song that was playing.

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there
Oh, I'm already there

He was trying to roll over and find the button to turn off the alarm when the song finally ended, and the DJ started talking.

"We're sending that out to the family of Bryce Mitchell. It was confirmed this morning by a spokesperson for the family, that Mr. Mitchell was killed in an accident while filming on set for his most recent movie. He leaves behind his husband, Blaine Anderson, his seven-month-old daughter Sere and his mom and dad. The family has asked for privacy during this difficult time, our thoughts are with you all." the DJ stated

Kurt bolts up into a sitting position and quickly reaches for his TV remote. He turns on fox news, not believing this. "We are saddened by the loss of one of our favorite actors. It has been confirmed by the manager of Blaine Anderson, that his husband has been killed in an onset accident. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Blaine, their seven-month-old daughter, and the rest of the family. Mr. Anderson's manager has requested privacy for the family at this time as they deal with tragedy and try to make sense of it."

After the announcement, they started showing different scenes from the different movies and shows that Bryce had been in, one of the clips they show was one that Blaine had been in with Bryce while they were still filming South of Always, they seemed to have so much chemistry.

Kurt had watched every single episode of that show. It had let him see Blaine again. He had looked so happy. Kurt cried for him because even though Blaine was no longer his, he hated the pain Blaine must be going through right now, wishing he could be there for him, be his friend again, but he knows that will likely never happen again.

He had pushed Blaine away, broke up with him, and broke his heart. He thinks back to that night over and over and wonders every time how he could have been that stupid just to let him go, to walk away from the best thing he had ever had in his life. Kurt wonders how he hadn't learned his lesson after their time apart when they had broken up the first time. He had been so miserable, so alone. But no, like an idiot, he had broken up with him again. No wonder Blaine couldn't take a chance on him again, couldn't trust him who could blame him.

He watched the rest of the broadcast that showed Blaine walking through the airport looking devastated, head down not looking at the cameras, ignoring all the questions that the paparazzi were asking him. He just kept walking.

Kurt was in shock, he got up and ran to his computer and everything on his home page was stories about the death of Bryce Mitchell, and pictures of Blaine looking so lost, and in shock, but also, to someone who knows Blaine as well as Kurt does, knows his facial expressions, he looked pissed off. That wasn't a look Kurt had expected. The lost, shocked look yes, but the pissed off look….

Kurt had only seen that look twice on Blaine's face, but would always remember when and what had caused it. The first time he had seen that look on Blaine's face had been after he had found the text messages from Chandler on Kurt's phone. He had looked at Kurt, shocked, betrayed, hurt, and yes, pissed, not understanding, and then he had turned around and left Kurt's room.

Looking back on it now he knows that if he had seen those text messages on Blaine's phone, he would have been pissed off too, and also looking back, Kurt could see Blaine's point of view, because it had been a form of cheating, now that he was older and more mature, he could see it.

Another time he had seen that look was the night they had broken up for the second time. Once again, Blaine had looked so hurt, not understanding, and trying his best not to cry. He had just stared at Kurt in disbelief, with a look of shock on his face that had shifted into a pissed off look, before he had stood up, said "I'll never forgive you for this," and walked away. Kurt knew how much that had destroyed Blaine, and wished he could take it back. Both times the reason for that look had been him. He had been the cause.

After the awards show, after watching the way they seemed to act around each other, Kurt had wondered if something was wrong with them. Most people probably didn't notice anything off, but Kurt had spent three almost four years just looking at Blaine's face, learning his every mood, every expression. Looking now at Blaine and seeing that pissed off look, he knows that it isn't all sadness that makes him keep his head down, he is pissed off, and angry as hell.

He sat there for 30 minutes contemplating calling him, Rachel had said that Blaine had mentioned his number was the same, Kurt knew he could call him, but he didn't want to bother Blaine when he was going through so much, Kurt wanted to give him a little time to deal with everything, but he also wanted to reach out to Blaine and let him know he is thinking about him. He had another idea.

Kurt stood up, with tears streaming down his face. He picked up his phone and called Isabelle to let her know he wouldn't be working today, explaining to her why. He took a shower, dressed, and fixed his hair; He went into the office he had made out of Rachel's old room when she had left for California, and he turned on his camera. After Kurt had seen Blaine's YouTube videos, he knew Blaine had found his channel. At that moment, he knew what he was going to do. He knew the best way to reach Blaine.

"I am sending this out to my best friend, he suffered a devastating loss recently, and I want him to know I am thinking about him, and he is in my thoughts as he deals with everything going on around him. I am here if you need me, forever and always, your Nemo."

He carries his camera, still running into the living room, and sits down on the bench of the piano Blaine had bought him. He had surprised him with a thank you gift when he and Sam had come for his audition for NYADA. He was ok on the piano, Kurt knew he would never be as good as Blaine, but he could handle this.

He starts singing the song that Rachel and Sam had sung that night at the party, knowing the words fit his thoughts so well.

If you're lost, you can look
and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you
I will be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost, you can look
and you will find me
Time after time
if you fall I will catch you
I will be waiting
Time after time

He feels the tears as they start slowly running down his face, thinking back to the times they had sat around this piano, having so much fun, spending time together, and Kurt once again wishes it could happen again now. What he would give to make that possible.

Flashback, warm nights
almost left behind
Suitcase full of memories
Time after time

Kurt finishes up the song and then looks into the camera one more time. "You are in my heart now and always. I am sending you a big hug, and I am here if you need me, I love you." He cuts off the camera and walks back into the office, hooks it up to his laptop and starts editing the video he had just created and then started the upload. It showed it would take about 10 minutes.

Once it was edited, he posts it to his channel, and now it is up to Blaine. He walked into his bedroom and pulled a box out of the closet. A box that he had always kept private, no one but him had ever seen what was inside. He opens the lid and pulls out his crown from prom, and his scepter, remembering how he had felt that night, it had almost destroyed him, he had thought everything was so much better, and then that.

Blaine had been so perfect, he had followed him out running to catch up with him, not ashamed to be with him. Blaine had always seemed proud of him. When Dave had said he couldn't dance with him, Blaine had stepped up, held out his hand and asked for the honor of that dance. Kurt had known just what that meant, knew just how scared Blaine must have been after everything he had gone through at the last dance he had attended, but he just couldn't leave Kurt standing out there alone.

The next thing he pulled out was their pictures from prom that night, the official one and the one his friends had snapped right as the balloons started falling, and Blaine had him in his arms. He had even saved a few of the streamers and a balloon from that night. He had put them in a zip lock bag.

He looks through all the pictures of him and Blaine, sectional, regionals and when they had won nationals, and then them standing side by side heads pressed together with Kurt in his cap and gown. Looking at that picture, noticing for the first time, a small tear running down Blaine's face. Kurt remembers how scared Blaine had been of him leaving, thinking it would somehow break them up, that Kurt would give up.

Kurt had thought at the time that Blaine was overreacting. The thought of Kurt saying goodbye had been stupid in Kurt's eyes. Blaine was being overdramatic until Blaine's worst fear had come true. Kurt had gotten busy, gotten so involved in his new life that he forgot about his old one and the love he had left behind. Kurt had lost sight of what was really important.

At the very bottom of the box, was what he had been really looking for. Before Kurt left for New York, Blaine had created a scrapbook for him of their times together. Blaine had saved every ticket stub from every movie they had gone to. A receipt from every restaurant they had eaten at, memory after memory of them, their love, their life together.

Kurt thinks back to one of the videos Blaine had posted, wondering just how hurt he must have been even to post it, hearing the words circling around his head.

Say something. I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something. I'm giving up on you

And in that instant, looking at the scrapbook at every piece of them Blaine had saved it hits him harder than he could have ever realized, Blaine would have followed him anywhere, done anything for him, Blaine had once told Kurt that he was his person, the one person he had been meant to find, to be with. He would never give up on him, on them, but Kurt had pushed him away one too many times, and he had finally given up. "Say something, I'm giving up on you," Kurt lays down on his bed, curls into a ball and cries his eyes out.

After he was cried out, he dries his tears and stands up, puts everything back in the box, puts the lid back on, and puts it back into his closet. He goes over to his dresser and opens the top drawer and pulls out first his promise ring, opening up the top of the box he had always kept it in so it wouldn't get damaged. Looking at the bow tie ring made of juicy fruit gum wrappers, he smiles, remembering when Blaine had given it to him and the promises he had made that day, promises he had always kept.

It hits Kurt that that was something else Blaine had kept. Blaine didn't like juicy fruit gum and never chewed it, Kurt always had. He had saved the wrappers from Kurt's gum until he had enough to make that ring. One other thing he had done to show Kurt just how much he meant to him, Kurt cries again.

He pulls out his engagement ring and slips it back on. Remembering how Blaine had worked so hard to make that day perfect for him. The kiss they had shared on their spot on the Dalton steps, rose petals slowly falling down around them, had been magical. When Blaine had slipped the ring on his finger, he had kissed it, almost sealing it on his finger.

Kurt takes the ring back off, puts it back in its box, and then puts both rings back in his drawer and slides it closed. He stretches his arms over his head and then heads to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, adding a splash of cream and cinnamon into it the way Blaine had always drunk his, Kurt sat down and just let his mind drift.

When he hears his phone ring, he waits for a minute before standing up, not really wanting to talk to anyone right now still feeling so emotionally raw, and figuring it was only Rachel anyway. Still, he finally stands up and heads to his bedroom where he had left his phone, he walks over and grabs it and can do nothing but stare at the display and the name showing on it.

"Hello" Kurt almost whispered

"Kurt, its Blaine. Can we talk?….."

A/N:

Songs in this book are time after time - by Cindy Lauper, I'm Already There- by Lonestar and Say Something I'm giving up on you my- By Great Big World and Christina Agulara.

Thanks for all the reviews I have gotten, they help more than you know.