A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back! Finally! I've been gone from this story for seven months, and I'm so sorry! D: I started writing this back in September; then I had college, assessments and other engagements (and writer's block reared its ugly head once more) and I disappeared from Fanfiction altogether…. But I found this in my files, and I've finally gotten it finished! So, please accept my sincerest apologies, and enjoy this update, as a little Christmas gift! 😊

Also, this story has nearly 400 reviews!? Guys, you seriously are the best, all of you, for motivating me to keep this story going and enjoying every update I've posted and honestly, that is the best Christmas/birthday gift I could receive :D Thank you all so much!

Here you are, chapter 48- after 7mths!

…..

"… how could you not trust me?!"

"Why did you do this to me? Aren't you ashamed?"

"I shouldn't help you after you kept secrets from me! I'll never trust you again!"

"I…I'm Sorry! I didn't know how to tell you!"

Luke could hear his own voice strangling out an apology, whimpering as he gazed in a hurt and angered Skarloey's eyes…, burning intensely with hatred and distrust- towards Luke, for his deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets…

Luke cried out in pain and anguish; his eyes now wide open. Drawing deep, shuddering breaths, he tried to remind himself that it was all just a scary nightmare.

"I'm okay, I was just…. Just dreaming again…" he tells himself.

'But what is the point? Every time you tell yourself it isn't real and that you're ok… you are not ok at all. The dreams still come back to haunt you; even if they're not real, they won't leave you be.' A dark little voice in his funnel hissed.

"Of course, …" Luke realized in despair. "I should have known better than to assume I'd ever even be okay. Why… why do I bother to keep fighting anymore? Everything I'm up against is so overwhelming… I can't keep going…"

"Luke?" A voice called softly from outside, "I brought your crew back to see you."

'Peter Sam,' Luke deduced dully.

"Hello, Luke, you awake?" Peter Sam continued, trying to remain hopeful. "I know you're in there."

"… I am awake." He whispered.

'I wish I wasn't. Being dead is preferable both to sleep and to wakefulness. At least I can rest in death…' Luke thought sadly. He felt sick and dizzy from having to deal with thoughts of death and being in the dark tunnel from dawn till dusk worsened his depression.

He wanted his friends, but he was scared they- and therefore he- would get caught.

It didn't help that he was still afraid to talk to Skarloey after his session with Dr. Moon. But he couldn't hide from it forever. He would have to talk to him at some point.

He just wanted to die.

Hadn't he suffered enough? Hadn't he suffered enough of his mind telling him he just die now? Hadn't he suffered enough to struggle to keep more secrets than his conscience could bear to hold? Hadn't he suffered enough to recognize that he was living in a perpetual hell, both in wakefulness and sleep, and that the cycle would only continue in life until his death, and plunge on afterwards?

Hadn't he suffered enough to know that he was forever forsaken?

Peter Sam was worried about Luke- though he was suffering depression most of the time, his cousin just seemed to be feeling worse lately. "I think Dr. Moon's broken him," he whispered to Richard, worriedly.

"He's not broken… just having a hard time dealing with things right now, that's all," replied Richard dryly, but not without sympathy. "He'll need much more therapy sessions, Peter Sam, before he feels any better. These things don't go away at the drop of a hat. A therapist will need months, possibly even years, to help suicidal people overcome their feelings and help them on the path to recovery."

"Sounds like something you know about…" Peter Sam replied suspiciously.

"I do," replied Richard. "I got therapy because my mother psychically and emotionally abused me all through my childhood. I hated that, because I couldn't live on Sodor without being reminded of her. So, I moved to Ireland and I met Luke not long after."

"Gee, I'm sorry." Peter Sam replied empathetically. "That must have been awful… Does Luke know?"

"No. It took me years to heal from the worst of the trauma. I don't want to bring it up again."

"Sorry." Peter Sam replied. Then he added, worriedly, "That sounds like an awful long time. Isn't there something we can do?"

"Not much; depression and suicidal thoughts are not something that can be easily helped. All we can do is support Luke through his therapy… and ensure he doesn't commit a third attempt." Richard said quietly. "Dr. Moon would have to actually help Luke start the healing process- but we can help him through it.

"How?"

But, for once, Richard didn't have an answer to the Kerr Stuart's question. He wished he knew, though- it was eating away at him, not knowing what to do to help Luke out of his depression and suicidal feelings.

…..

"Now where the bally blazes did Geoff go?" Richard asked, scratching his head under his cap. He was relieved to change the subject and leave his past alone.

"He might have already gone in the tunnel to see Luke," Suggested Peter Sam. "He was pretty…. erm…"

"Antsy. Yeah, you're probably right." Richard noted, looking over at the tunnel mouth. "It's just not fair Luke has to endure this… why him? No one deserves such hell… Especially since I have reason to believe that Luke didn't cause the accident at the Docks." The fireman folded his arms in contemplation. "I didn't see much of what actually happened, but no matter what Luke says about it being his fault; I'm certain something else happened that day. Something only the other engine could tell us."

"But Luke didn't know the name of the other engine… or what really happened to him…" Recalled Peter Sam, his face ashen. "He said that he had full reason to believe that the engine went to the scrapyard, but he doesn't actually know…. And neither do we…"

"Exactly- and if the other engine really is dead, we've lost our only hope of proving Luke's innocence and freeing him from these hellish bonds." Richard finished darkly, avoiding the concerned gazes of Peter Sam and his own crew.

So, both man and engine lapsed into silence, gazing at the mouth of the tunnel. Neither of them was certain what was going on within, but they knew poor Luke was still a long way away from coming out of the darkness- even if that darkness was lit by the light of one moon in the sky, surrounded by the brightest stars in the heavens.

Meanwhile, Geoffrey finished wiping Luke's tears as best as he could, before he sat down on his engine's running plate.

"What am I going to do, Mr. Heron?" Luke asked helplessly, as Geoffrey fished out a small flask and downed some water, trying to think what the best way would be to respond.

"Well, Luke, my boy, I'm afraid I can't do anything more than what I already am. But I intend to keep going with what I am doing, as are our friends. All you can do is hang on another day and take each day one step at a time, cos no matter how long it takes for you to come out of the darkness again, it will be worth it all in the end- and we'll be here to support you when you fall."

A wafer thin, wobbly, tear-framed smile broke out on Luke's face; nonetheless, it was full of sincerity and hope.

"Thank you. I appreciate you all sticking with me, even when I lost joy in life… but I still think of the mercies of death…."

Geoffrey tightened his grip on his flask. Dr. Moon had warned them prior to her visit that Luke may still be dangerously suicidal, so they would to try to keep communication open, and try not to leave him alone, in case he decided to sneak away and kill himself; especially regarding his two previous attempts to die.

"So, do you think you'll be okay with Dr. Moon?" He asked carefully.

"Maybe," Luke replied. "I still don't feel much better though."

"It'll take some time before things change," Geoffrey said, patting Luke's buffer gently. "I know you can do it, Luke. You're one of the bravest engines I know. You can do it. It might not look like it now, but you can- and one day, you will. But today, just hang on. Can you do that for me?"

"For how long?" Luke asked timidly, his voice wobbling.

"As long you can, old friend. As long you can. We're right beside you."