She knows she's doing something she shouldn't do, when she finds Kara on the roof for the second night in a row and her presence is no longer a coincidence, since it does seem to be her neighbour's hang out spot, she knows she should turn around and occupy her sleepless time in her apartment. But Kara makes her feel safe, protected, unreasonably so for someone she doesn't even know, and when she sits next to the blonde on the roof's edge, it's like she's breathing for the first time that day.

Kara welcomes her silently, but with an eloquent grin, and her stomach does somersaults at the way the moonlight catches on her smile. The night is cooler than the one before, the temperature having dropped down drastically after a much welcomed storm, and though the wind isn't that cold, Lena shivers nonetheless when it picks up. Seemingly unwilling to disturb the peacefulness of the night Kara wordlessly wraps her plaid shirt on her shoulders, exposing biceps that Lena doesn't look at.

"Thank you," she says, barely over a whisper, cautious not to break whatever spell is surrounding them.

"Wouldn't want you to get cold," Kara replies, her voice low and raspy.

"But won't you get cold ?" Lena points out.

Kara shrugs, the movement causing their shoulders to brush. "I don't get cold."

Time passes in a strange fashion, and it could be a second, or two hours, before she speaks again in the same low quiet voice. "Life's keeping you awake again ?"

Lena nods, then hums in acknowledgement of Kara's prompting but without actually answering her question. She doesn't feel like elaborating, doesn't want to weight down the night with complicated thoughts. She's met with a respectful silence, and Kara looking at her with a comprehensive smile before she turns back to the clouded sky with a forlorn look on her face. She indulges in the easy silence, something that Veronica never lets her have unless it's to her own advantage, and snuggles into the slightly too big shirt. It's impossibly soft, and smells of lavender and something sweet and spicy that is probably unique to Kara. Burying in the scent, she squashes the spark of guilt that arose at the thought of her girlfriend.

Lena wakes up to Veronica still giving her the cold shoulder. She double texts again, knowing full well that she won't get an answer until Veronica decides she's worth her while ; it's always like that with her.

That single thought is enough to overturn her stomach, her whole body suddenly filled with rocks and thorns. She shouldn't think like that, she should be grateful to have Veronica in her life, she is grateful to have her in her life. She is a complicated person to be with and Veronica still loves her ; she shouldn't resent her for needing a break when Lena so clearly did something to upset her.

And even if Lena didn't do anything, even if it's just her usual feeling of unworthiness, she still shouldn't have bad thoughts about her girlfriend. What if she's hurt, or dead, and that's why she isn't texting back. Or worse, what if Lena's negative feelings lead to something terrible happening. She shakes her head at this one, trying to get rid of the disturbing thought by thinking about positive things, like their first kiss, when she rented out an art gallery for them, or their most recent vacation, when she bought an island for her. She tries to crush any negative ideas by layering them with positive memories, starting over several times when she loses track for fear that something bad will happen.

By the time she manages to get out of bed she's late for work and she trips twice on her way to the bathroom, still unaccustomed to the layout of her new place. The person that stares back at her in the mirror looks terrible, with deep shadows under their eyes and a sick complexion. As she splashes water on her face, she starts feeling ridiculous ; bad things don't happen just because you think about them. And yet…

She rubs her hands twenty-three times when she washes them.

She changes her outfit three times, calls Jess twice to tell her she's going to be late and skips breakfast ; who needs food anyway. Veronica did point out after all that she's put on a bit of weight lately. She's ready to leave, keys in hand, heels on her feet, purse slung over her shoulder, but she doesn't cross the threshold, cannot bring herself to do it without dread squeezing at her lungs, making it impossible to breathe.

Something bad is going to happen, she knows it.

Hesitantly, she looks back at her bedroom and takes a deep breath, marching right to it. If she needs to do it, fine, she'll do it. Her childhood teddy bear, check, the picture of her birth mother, check, the snow globe Ruby gave her, check, her Superman PEZ dispenser, check, her first edition copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone, check, her first chess trophy, check, the bear shaped rock she found on a beach in Ireland, check. They're on the dresser, easy to see, easy to count ; she does it five times, and when it's not enough, seven. She stops at eleven, less convinced that the world is about to end, and, after checking three times that the door is locked, finally makes her way to work.

Lena gets to work at 8:10 which is ten minutes too late and by half past ten, she's ready to either commit murder or launch herself from her balcony ; neither being suitable options in term of company image as Jess kindly reminds her with a joke that would make her laugh most other days. Before the clock strikes eleven, she's making her way down to R&D, heels swapped for sneakers and blazer abandoned in favour of a lab coat, monogrammed, so people won't forget she's the boss. The heavy armoured door closes behind her with a hiss and she's able to breathe for half a second before she's welcomed by a chorus of "Good morning Miss Luthor" and she remembers that to get to her private lab, she has to cross the common area first.

Her new head of R&D, Jack Ball, or Round, or something equally insignificant, is on her before she even has the time to take a second breath, talking a mile a minute about their progress on surgical bots. She makes her way through the lab as fast as she can while listening as politely as she can manage to, she glances down at the name tag, Jack Spheer, that's his name. It's not that she doesn't like the guy, he's clever and well mannered ; but he currently occupies her job, doing the work she would be doing if she weren't stuck some thirty floors above this room, in a glass cage, signing papers all day and dealing with old men who think they know more about LCorp than she does. If Lex hadn't levelled a city trying to get to Superman, she would be here, working on advanced surgical bots, instead of up there with a target on her back. With one last polite smile, that might be permanently etched on her face at this point, and the promise to review his work anytime but now, she finally locks herself in her lab, nearly sliding to the ground in exhaustion as soon as the door closes.

Her newest prosthetic is waiting for her where she left it, a kinetically powered nth metal arm for which she's trying to develop better machine to human nerve connection. Out of her pocket, she extracts a small USB drive that she sticks into a hidden port in the arm, and starts uploading the new code she wrote for it. For a blissful minute, the drive glows a reassuring blue before it fizzle, along with the prosthetic, and everything shuts down with a loud pop, followed by the stench of burnt wires.

She doesn't panic, at all. Not when she can't see anything through her soot covered goggles, not even when her sleeve catches on fire as she tries to localise the source of the smoke. She doesn't allow herself to feel anything but cold focus until the fire is controlled and her life work is safe ; only then does she acknowledges the wild beating of her heart, the way her breathing is raged and air seems filled with thorns.

It's this chain of events, she reckons, that leads her to actually answering the phone when her mother calls.

"Mother," she says in lieu of a greeting, "what did I do this time ?"

"Hello Lena," Lillian Luthor says on the other end of the line with something akin to mild amusement in her voice. "You didn't do anything wrong ; why would you believe such a thing ?"

"Because for the past seven months, you've only called me to berate me about one thing or another. So, what did I do ? And can you make it quick, I'm busy."

"I was actually calling to congratulate you on your solar powered generator dear ; the results are amazing."

"You were...?" Lena questions hesitantly, a spark of hope blooming in her chest despite everything.

"I was," Lillian confirms, "you did a good job Lena. Appointing you at the head of the company was definitely a great idea. All you have to do now is be photographed around that new neighbourhood of yours and the stocks should truly go back up."

"I'll do what I can," Lena agrees, almost high on the closest thing to a praise she's ever gotten from her mother.

"However," Lillian says, "Veronica did call me about your latest tantrum."

"Of course she did," Lena mumbles to herself, cold washing over her. "I didn't throw a tantrum. We merely had a disagreement."

"She really cares you know. It's a rare thing."

"I do know."

"Then call her, take her to dinner, make amend."

"I would if she'd return my calls."

"She will. Your fight really saddened her and she needed a little time."

Lena sighs, gesturing dismissively before she remembers her mother can't see her. "I just wish she would talk to me about this, instead of calling you every single time."

"She would if you were more open," Lillian scolds. "She really care about you, but if you push her away…"

"I didn't push her away," Lena says slowly as she thinks it over. Didn't she though ? Didn't pressing her about a subject she didn't want to change her mind about amount to pushing her away ? "I'll apologise," she says finally, her voice weaker than she wishes it to be.

"This is the right thing to do," Lillian replies, "that's all she wants."

Something about this doesn't sit right with Lena, something she can't quite put her finger on ; nonetheless, she agrees with her mother and hangs up.

Surprisingly, Veronica ends up being the one who calls first ; not to apologise, but to inquire of Lena's presence at the charity dinner she's organising at her casino on the waterfront. Though Lena longs for nothing else than a quiet night at home where she'll be able to rewrite her code and certainly not go on the roof with Kara, she agrees. After all, she did forgot about this dinner in the first place, despite it being underlined twice on her calendar, so she now has two things to be forgiven for.

Lena is good at convincing herself of things, it's a useful skill she tediously acquired during her time with the Luthors ; and so she convinces herself that things will be alright. She goes through the rest of the day with little thoughts for Veronica and their upcoming evening and instead focuses on paperwork, nearly forgetting to eat lunch if it weren't for Jess and her salad.

Lena is good at convincing herself of things, and so of course, everything goes to shit. It starts when Veronica picks her up at her apartment instead of meeting her at the casino like Lena assumed she would. She all but drags her out of her home, deterring her from completing her routine with a pointed sigh and the knowledge that she needs to go her way if she doesn't want for Veronica to break up with her. The world feels as though it's about to collapse on her but her girlfriend pays her no mind as she rambles on and on about how hard it is for her to support charities with her small fortune and how easy it must be to be Lena, rich beyond measure. She promises to write her a hefty check but it doesn't stop Veronica's tirade. She doesn't stop talking until her L-car, a gift from Lena, stops in front of the casino, only then does she take a short breath before saying "And for the love of God, don't be weird tonight," while pointedly looking at the expensive bracelet Lena has been toying with for the entire ride.

It's stress, Lena reasons, just stress. Veronica still loves her.

Things don't get much better during dinner itself. Veronica plays hostess, and Lena plays arm candy, trying to put a damper on her enthusiasm everytime someone asks about one of her projects. When it happens, she does her best to bring the conversation back to her girlfriend. In front of her attendees, Veronica is perfect, but behind the scene, it's a different story ; she spends the night throwing jabs at Lena, criticising her every move, going as far as mocking the dress she chose to wear because it's usually one of her girlfriend's favourite. Lena takes it in stride, letting it pile up over her already more than shitty day because she knows she did something to anger her and she just needs to let the storm pass until Ronnie is sweet and caring again. She apologises ten times, adds a zero to her check, and gratefully loses extra cash during a staged poker game, but nothing seems to be enough.

Failed dinner parties and public humiliation are something that Lena can take, she's mostly used to it, but Veronica isn't, and when the tension between them starts to be noticed and discussed, she snaps.

"I'm sorry," Lena says, trying to ignore the burning on her wrist as her girlfriend forcefully drags her behind a hidden door. "I had a hard day."

"You always have excuses," Veronica snarks, "do you rehearse them so you don't have to act like a normal person ?"

"Listen, if I angered you with my comment the other day, I truly I'm sorry, it wasn't my place to criticise your views on the world."

"It's not about that Lena !"

"Then what is it," Lena pleads, hating the waver of her voice. "Please tell me so we can fix this."

"God, are you so self-centered that you really don't understand anything at all ?! Everything is always about you, the great Lena Luthor ! Tonight was supposed to be my night, yet, all people can talk about is you. How smart you are, your latest great invention, and did you really have to add a zero to your check just to prove you're richer than me ?"

"I thought it would make you happy…"

"It's hard being your girlfriend, you know ? I'm constantly in the shadows, you always have to prove you're better than me."

"I don't do it on purpose," Lena interrupts weakly, picking at her bracelet in an effort to stay focused, to remember that Veronica loves her and it's only normal that the two of them talk like that when she needs to be reminded of how lucky she is to have her as her girlfriend.

"And that thing you do !" Veronica shouts, "guilt tripping me with your quirks so I'll have to take care of you because you can't bother to be like the rest of us !"

"I can't help it…"

"Some days, there are just no rewards for loving you."

"I'm sorry…"

"Just go home. I'll handle the rest of the party. I'll find an excuse for you. Just go. I'll call you later."

Lena doesn't cry herself to sleep. She merely doesn't go to sleep at all. There's no use in going to bed if she knows all she's going to do is toss and turn until the world is too much and she has to get up anyway. Instead, she takes a long, scorching shower, puts on her comfiest sweatpants, and settles in her home office to rewrite her prosthetic's code. She works until the early hours of the morning switching to a new algorithm for Veronica's poker app when the sun starts peeking over the horizon. She relocates her body, mind, and extra large coffee to LCorp before the clock strikes seven.

She spends most of her day grovelling, not to get back in her girlfriend's good graces, but to have several new projects approved by her useless board. It occurs to her, after she nearly beheads Jack from R&D, that she should have slept on it, as one says, to get a fresh perspective on her relationship, and to avoid bringing her personal life into work. But Lena is a woman of science, of algorithms and wires, not of people, and human relationships have always puzzled her. In comparison to human beings, quantum physics is easy.

She decides to give her space, holding on to the promise that she will indeed call, and reckoning that Veronica probably needs a break from the work that is dating Lena Luthor. Thursday is terrible. She refuses to follow her own routine in order to be better for Veronica and ends up panicking on her way to work ; she has Frank circling the building thrice before she can get out of the car. Jess has to go home after lunch because of food poisoning, and her prosthetic blows up in her face again. Veronica doesn't call her, and Sam is busy with her move and she doesn't want to bother her with her problems. When she hears Kara walking past her apartment around one in the morning, she nearly follows her to the roof, if only to feel safe for five minutes ; she doesn't.

Friday is a bit better. Jess comes back bright and cheery with an extra donut and she manages to input the new code without blowing anything up. It still doesn't work perfectly, but it's better than it previously was. Her day improves even more when she comes back from a meeting to two missed calls from Veronica. It's a peculiar sort of improvement, because her relief is filled with dread, but she squashes it, she is happy that her girlfriend called her.

"Hey," she says when she calls her back, holding the phone to her ear with one hand and trying to open her salad with the other. "I'm sorry I missed your call, I was in a meeting."

"Good," Veronica replies, "I thought you were giving me the silent treatment for a moment."

"I wouldn't do that," Lena says, swearing under her breath when her salad escapes her grasp and olive oil jumps on her, leaving a greasy stain on her white shirt.

"Listen, I wanted to apologise for the other night. I was stressed and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I mean, we were clearly both part of the problem, but we should have communicated better and I shouldn't have talked to you like that, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I can understand that it's not always easy to be with me."

"Still, I shouldn't treat you like that, I promise I'll do better. Will you forgive me ?"

"Of course I forgive you," Lena says with a smile that Veronica can't see, but that she certainly can hear.

"Thank you so much Lee, I'll do better, I promise."

"I'll do better too," Lena replies, her smile falling a little at the mountain she'll have to climb to be worth it.

"Are you free tomorrow ? We could go to that bookshop you like. Or even go to several bookshops, make a day out of it and then get dinner and get back to my place for a movie ?"

And there she is, Lena thinks, her smile making a full blown reappearance, her sweet and caring Veronica.