Anger, betrayal, guilt, sadness ; a whirlwind of emotion eat away at Kara and she doesn't know what to do with them. She manages to hold herself together for a movie and small mindless talk with her sister, but the moment Alex is out the door, she's ready to implode.

The worst, she thinks, might be that if it weren't for Lena, she would have torn Sam apart on the spot. Even with the door closed and a wall separating them her hands are itching with violence. When she closes her eyes, she sees nothing but blood. Kara lost her balance when she lost Krypton, and she's used to anger, she used to be a very angry person, she still is ; but she never acts on it, at least not on other people, and the brutality of her thoughts towards Sam makes her stomach churn.

She considers going to the DEO to lock herself in a training room and pummel blocks of concrete ; but she'd have to explain herself to Alex, and she knows she wouldn't be able to lie. She might not be able to hide Sam's return for long anyway, but she'll shield Alex with everything she has for as long as she can.

She tries to tell herself that her anger is rational, that she has the right to be mad at Sam for disappearing for a decade ; but it does nothing to alleviate the white-hot anger that threatens to burst from her every pore. At least the thrumming of her rage covers the voices of Lena and Sam on the other side of the wall.

Because yes, then there's Lena, and Kara won't deny that she liked the way her neighbour seemed to put her on a pedestal. She won't deny that she liked being looked up to, and she won't deny that she liked Lena's eyes on her. At least it didn't last long enough to really break her. With Sam being Lena's best friend, there's no way she'll even talk to her again, even more so with the way she acted in the corridor.

Sleep doesn't come. Not that she goes to sleep in the first place, but she expects to collapse from some form of exhaustion or another ; she doesn't. She paces her apartment for endless hours, takes two showers, scrubs her kitchen clean and washes the blanket on the couch because it smells like Lena. When the clock starts flirting with the early hours of the morning, most of her anger is gone, leaving behind only anguish and sorrow. Without allowing herself to give it much thoughts, she launches herself out the window and flies to Eliza's.

She lands behind the house, narrowly avoiding a flower bed that wasn't there the last time she visited and immediately drawing Eliza's attention. Her Earth mother is busy making breakfast in the kitchen and when she catches sight of her, she waves, and gets another mug out of the cupboard.

"Hi sweetie," she says with a warm smile when Kara makes her way into the house, shaking dew out of her hair.

Wordlessly and carefully, Kara wraps her into her arms, squeezing just enough to let her know she really, really needs a hug.

"Bad night ?" Eliza asks. "Go put on some dry clothes, I'll make some coffee," she adds when Kara only nods and hugs her tighter.

She makes her way upstairs, to Alex's and hers shared bedroom, taking in its peacefulness and familiarity. There's an uneven layer of dust on her desk, and the cover of her old copy of Carol is starting to fade in the sun, but there also are fresh flowers on the dresser, and the smell of lavender permeates the air. She makes her way to the bed, slowly laying down on it and patting under the pillow until she finds the little bag of dried flowers, bringing it to her nose to fill her lungs with comfort. The bed is soft, the heavy comforter creating an extra layer of fluff under her back ; it's almost like floating. She considers falling asleep, but the scent of coffee reaches her sensitive nostrils and she sets to the task of finding clean clothes.

She chooses old sweatpants that might be hers, and a hoodie that is definitely Alex's. It used to be her favourite, until it got claimed by Maggie and ultimately abandoned here. Eliza washed it, and it smells neither like her sister nor like Maggie anymore, but like freshly cut grass and laundry detergent. She slips on a pair of fluffy socks and doesn't resist the urge to slide across the length of the floorboard. Jeremiah's throaty laugh echoes in her head.

Downstairs, Eliza is making perfectly round blueberry pancakes and Kara feels a surge of affection for her adoptive mother.

"Sit," the older woman orders, sliding a cup of coffee in front of Kara's designated place at the table. "Do you want to talk about what happened ?"

"I saw Sam," Kara says, finding no reason to stall. "She's going to move back to National City."

"Does Alex know ?" Eliza asks without missing a beat.

"She doesn't," Kara manages to say through the lump in her throat. "I don't know what to do about this."

"Tell her," Eliza replies softly, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand. "She's going to find out one way or another and it's better if you're the one who tells her."

Kara sighs, roughly rubbing her free hand over her face. "She still has that baby picture of Ruby in her wallet. It would break her."

"She's stronger than you know," Eliza points gently, "happier than she was. And she's got you and Kelly to support her if it's too much. Trust her strength."

"Do you really thing that telling her is the best solution ?"

"I think it's the one that might hurt less, ultimately."

"I really don't know," Kara mumbles, staring at her cup like it holds the answer to everything. "She's happy you know ? With Kelly. Really really happy. They're getting married, and they're already thinking of babies name. I just. I just wish Sam could go away. It's not fair that she's here."

"You can't bend people to your will Kara," Eliza says quietly, smoothing half crescent of anger on Kara's wrist. "I too wish she would stay away from your lives. She did lasting damage, on both of you. You held it together remarkably well when she left, but that doesn't mean I didn't notice you were hurting." She sighs, a glint of sadness shading her usually bright eyes. "If only Patricia had told me Sam was coming back, I would have told you, to give you time to prepare."

"It was like seeing a ghost," Kara whispers, looking up to her Earth mother, her silhouette blurry through the tears pooling in her eyes. "One second I was with Lena, and we were having a moment, I suppose. And the next Sam was here and the world was upside down. I could have killed her on the spot, and I don't like that about me. I think if I had blinked, let go of my focus for half a second, I would have."

"But you didn't," Eliza says with a smile. It's a crooked smile, a smile full of sadness, and it makes Kara's heart ache.

"I think I scarred her. Lena not Sam. I don't care if I scare Sam. I don't know if she'll let me talk to her again. We were becoming friends."

"She'd be a fool not to. You were caught by surprise, I'm sure she can understand that. Some of my pumpkins are a bit early," Eliza muses, distractingly taping her finger against her cheek. "I'll give you one, make some cookies, explain what you can and apologise for losing your temper in front of her. If there's a way to keep your friendship going, it would be a mistake not to try."

"Do you really think she'll want to talk to me ?"

"I think so yes. Because you're amazing and she'd be missing out."

Kara scoffs, rolling her eyes and leaning back on her chair. "You have to say that."

"Which doesn't mean that it's not true. You're amazing Kara, and brave. Like your sister. I couldn't have asked for better daughters."

Kara waits on the roof for three hours. Maybe. Time keeps on jumping around haphazardly and everytime she checks her wristwatch, she can't remember what time it was before. She dozes off in the sun, periodically brought back to awareness by clouds cooling her off. She can't hear Sam anymore ; it's nice.

The air around her smells of pumpkin, brown sugar and ozone. Below her feet, a siren, two heartbeats, then one, Lena's.

Her neighbour makes her way up, slowly, pausing on the fourth floor for an insufferably long moment, before she appears behind her, unmoving, each of her breath leaden with hesitancy. With a wave of the hand, she beckons her closer, and lets the silence hang for a minute after she's sat.

"I wanted to apologise for last night," she says, her voice thick and gravelly from staying silent all afternoon. Beside her, Lena shivers. "And I'd also like to explain my reaction, if you'll let me."

"Okay," Lena says warily, briefly turning to look at her with a shy smile.

Kara inhales deeply, and takes her time releasing this breath. "What did Sam tell you ?"

"That the two of you were like sisters."

Kara's heart cracks right on its old scars, the organ pumping and pushing against old wounds that shouldn't hurt anymore. "We were," she says with some difficulty. "Apart from Alex, she was the person I was closest to. My best friend. I could tell her things that I couldn't share with anyone else. And then one morning she was just gone. She left without saying goodbye. And I was broken, but I had to hold it together because Alex… Alex was barely alive. She cried for days, couldn't sleep for weeks. Nearly dropped out of college. Did Sam tell you that I'm Ruby's godmother ? Not Alex. Me. Can you guess why ?"

"Because Alex is Ruby's other mum...?" Lena whispers tentatively, her eyes trained on the ground far below her feet.

"Because Alex is Ruby's other mum," Kara confirms crookedly. "It was never official of course. They were both so young. But everybody knew it was how things were. Ruby even called Alex mum. And I can forgive Sam for leaving me behind. I'm tough. I'm used to loss. If anything I'm thankful, because it prepared me for the way people would treat me in life. But I can't forgive her for leaving Alex. Never."

"If it helps, she nearly went back several time."

"It doesn't," Kara says grimly before breathing out forcefully. "But I appreciate you trying."

"Can we still be friend ?" Lena asks after a stretch of silence so long that Kara wonders if it was ever going to be filled.

"Why couldn't we be ?" Kara asks back even though the answer to this question is terribly obvious.

"Because Sam is my best friend. And you might not want to be anywhere near me because of that."

Kara opens her mouth, and closes it, surprised by the phrasing that isn't quite what she expected. "I thought," she says, "that you wouldn't want to be my friend because of this. Not the opposite."

"I do want to be your friend," Lena says, so low that it's almost like she doesn't want to say it. It's puzzling, but somehow it makes sense with the words she says next ; and Kara dares to think she understand. "You make me, you make me feel safe, and it's not something I feel around a lot of people, so I don't want to lose it. I'm sorry if that's not things friends says to other friends. I only have one other friend and it's Sam so my framework for this might be a little bit lacking."

"You're already covering one basis of a good friendship," Kara says even though she isn't sure how she manages to speak, the beating of her own heart deafening her beyond comprehension.

"Which is ?"

"Honesty. And it takes a lot of bravery to be honest."

"I don't," Lena mumbles, "I don't see myself as a particularly brave person."

"I think you are," Kara says, slowly reaching out and then squeezing her forearm when she doesn't shy away. Her skin is colder than most people, but it still burns like a thousand suns against her own. "You came up here to talk to me even when you were afraid I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore. You broke up with Veronica. You moved to a very unfamiliar environment. I think you're very brave. And if you don't think that about yourself, at least let me think it for you."

"I guess I can let you think that," Lena says with a small uncertain smile.

"Where," Kara starts asking before she can second guess herself, making the most of their current momentum, "do you situate yourself on the hug scale ?"

"The hug scale ?" Lena repeats, bewildered and sounding mildly amused.

"Yes, the hug scale. Friends hug sometimes, and I'd like to hug you if that's okay."

"I suppose a hug would be nice," Lena says, nodding slowly and turning her whole body towards Kara even slower.

Despite being the one who initiates it, Kara is wholly unprepared for said hug. Lena's body against hers is gasoline on fire. Every single one of the particles that make her her suddenly come alive like they haven't in a long time. It's a bit awkward, hugging sideway on the edge of a precipice but it's not what Kara notices. What she perceives instead is the way her atoms shift and vibrate, trying to fuse with Lena's. It's exhilarating, life altering, and all she can think, all she can formulate is, fuck.

"Can I ask you something ?" Lena asks when their bodies have detached themselves from one another and Kara's cells are screaming after the ones next to them. "You don't have to answer if it's inappropriate."

"Go ahead."

"What did you meant, earlier, when you said that Sam leaving without warning prepared you for the way people would treat you in life ?"

"Oh," Kara says, surprised by the question, and not quite sure she's ready for Lena to hear its answer. "Um. You may have notice that I don't exactly look like you, or Sam for that matter."

"As a matter of fact, I did. You're very handsome." A bright blush invades Lena's face, and she seems taken aback by her own words, freezing up beside Kara.

"Thank you," Kara replies, not as confidently as she'd like. She raises her hand to fiddle with her glasses and almost pokes her eye out when she realises she isn't wearing them ; she often forgets to put them on around Lena. "My parents were pretty much okay with whatever I wanted to do, whoever I wanted to be. They were really supportive. But when they died, and I moved in with the Danvers, I was at that age when it starts to be less okay to be a tomboy and people start calling you names. I was thirteen, living with strangers, I had just lost my whole world, and people were calling me a dyke in the school's hallway." She stops, not very smoothly but the comment about losing her world, not her parents, her world, tumbled out of her without her own accord and even though she knows Lena must know Sam is an alien, she doesn't feel ready to tell her this. "I hid for a while. And then I realised being true to myself could help other people, namely my sister and Sam. Eliza took me shopping, insisted on buying me boxer briefs with weird patterns, and things were okay for a while, I even had a girlfriend, Jen. Until college."

"What happened in college ?" Lena prompts, reaching out to squeeze her forearm like Kara did before ; her hand is fatally soft.

"Well for starter, Sam left," Kara says with an empty laugh. "I took care of Alex, a lot, broke up with Jen. I dabbled a bit in dating, got ghosted fifty percent of the time, was too trusting, too open, too soft the rest of the time. Too complicated too, not enough of a girl, and definitely not a guy. I had troubles making friends, making connections. Until I met Lucy. We became fast friends, and ended up dating. For four years. Until she left me for my best friend. And she was so, ashamed of herself I guess, that she left without saying goodbye. I looked for her of course, but she refused to talk to me. I got a voicemail three days later, she said some pretty harsh things. She apologised since then but these kind of things stick. 'You're different. You make me uncomfortable.' A week later, I asked Alex to cut my hair, and I haven't looked back ever since. I'm a butch lesbian. That's just part of who I am, but it's an important part and I won't deny it."

"I like your hair," Lena says, her eyes widening in horror. "I'm sorry," she adds hastily, "this is in no way an appropriate response to what you just told me."

"I don't mind," Kara mumbles shrugging. I like that you like my hair.

"It's unfair that people treated, treat, you like," Lena pauses, "like that."

"Like I'm dirt under their shoes ?" Kara asks bluntly.

"Yeah. And I'm sorry Sam was one of them, even if it was for different reasons."

"You don't have to apologise on her behalf," Kara says, shaking her head to clear her voice, "but I appreciate it anyway," she adds, raising her hands just in time to interrupt Lena's protest.

"Is it when I hug you ?" Lena asks sheepishly.

"It can be," Kara replies, opening her arms in invitation.

She's ready this time, for the feeling of Lena against her, but it is in no way less intoxicating. Lena mumbles something against her shoulder, something that sounds suspiciously like, is it friendship if you're attracted to your friend ? She almost feels guilty that her sensitive hearing picked up on this secret ; almost, because the warmth that spreads in her chest combats the guilt quite effectively.