Writing our own rules (Kara)

/"Where am I ? Dad ? Anyone ? Where am I ? Dad ?!"

"Foolish little girl. Your dad is gone. Your world is gone."

"Please let me go ! Where's my dad I want my dad !"

"For fuck's sake will you shut up ? Your dad's dead. He can't hear you. No one can hear you !"

"Please let me go !"

"Oh that I won't. I have big plans for you Kara Zor-El. Big big plans."/

Kara springs awake covered in sweat and with a blank in her mind where her nightmare should be. This new running theme in her life is really getting old. Lena clings to her torso with an undignified shriek and Kara realises with a start that they're hovering a good foot above the bed.

"I did not expect the flying," Lena mumbles, "I should have expected the flying."

"Sorry, sorry !" Kara shouts hastily, lowering them down and kissing the top of Lena's head as an apology.

"Does this happen a lot ?"

"The sleep flying ? Yeah it does, quite a bit. I'm sorry, I should have warned you."

"No," Lena says gently, shuffling so she can face Kara. "The nightmares."

Slowly, she reaches out to put her hand on Kara's cheek. Her skin is soft, warm from being under the covers, and for a moment, Kara focuses on nothing but the flow of her blood underneath it. She looks around, taking in the darkness of the room before her eyes settle on the twinkling plastic stars on the ceiling. She doesn't know what time it is, but it doesn't matter, not really. With Lena in her arms, hours can do what they want, pass as the universe needs them to, as long as they get to be together.

"I have a lot of them yeah," Kara finally answers, ghosting over the fact that she usually remembers them because it's the same scenario every time. She can't explain why she doesn't want to tell Lena this just yet, why it seems important to keep this from her ; but she can't fathom building the right sentence to unveil the intricacies of her brain when she doesn't even understand them in the first place.

"Is this why you got up in the middle of the night ? Day ?" Lena asks with a concerned frown. "I woke up and you weren't there."

"Yeah," Kara answers with a reassuring smile. "I just needed some fresh air."

Except she doesn't remember getting up in the first place. And she doesn't know why she's lying either.

"You can wake me up next time if you need company," Lena offers, "don't hesitate. I know how much it can help to have someone with you when you feel like the world is upside down."

"Thank you," Kara whispers, "I'll try to remember that."

"Do we have somewhere to be today ?" Lena asks, her voice sleepy and full of hope.

Kara sighs, rubbing the heel of her hands on her eyes. "I'll call Snapper later to take the day off. But I'd like to swing by the DEO. See how Alex is doing. Would you mind coming with me ?"

"I suppose I do have to sign these NDAs." Lena groans, rolling over until she can press her face in Kara's shoulder. "Can we stay like that for five more minutes ?"

"Sure," Kara says, combing her fingers through the sleepy woman's hair. "Five more minutes."

When they finally make it to the DEO, well over their self imposed time constraints because Lena fell back asleep and she's too precious to be awoken, Alex is awake, and to Kara's great dismay, dressed and roaming around with manic energy.

"Don't look at me like that," Kelly says, raising her hands in defence, "I've tried to get her to stay in bed but you know how she is."

"What is she doing now exactly ?" Kara asks, sitting on the edge of the bed as Alex puts a pair of gloves on another pair of gloves and peers in a microscope.

"I think she's analysing her own blood."

"She does know we have people who can do that for her, right ?"

"I'm trying to be a good fiancée and hide that I'm scared shitless," Kelly says, her voice almost perfectly steady, "so if doing this makes her happy, I'm not going to stop her."

"Yeah," Kara sighs, "you're right. Whatever makes her happy." Closing her eyes, she cocks her head to the side, listening until she can find Lena three levels down. Her heart is calm, strong ; and she uses it to ground herself, to find peace and solace in the mess unravelling around her.

"How did it go with Lena ?" Kelly asks, "you look like you haven't slept much."

In front of them, Alex swears loudly and angrily scribbles a couple of words down.

"It went well, I think," Kara says slowly. "She's downstairs with J'onn signing NDAs."

"Oh so you just went for it ?" Kelly chuckles, her laugh cutting through the room and catching Alex's attention. She turns around to look at them, shadows under her eyes but a warm loving smile on her lips. Her heart settles a bit once her gaze falls on them, and Kelly 's and Kara's respond in kind. "It took Alex almost dying twice for him to even allow me in here, and I had to be blindfolded."

"He tried to mind wipe her last night," Kara grumbles. "He owes me."

"Wow, that's harsh," Kelly says, more to herself than really to Kara. "Are you planing on telling her ?"

"Not if I don't have to, no," Kara replies, barely repressing a frustrated groan. "Nobody likes knowing someone tried to tamper with their mind, but it'd be even worse for Lena."

And it would be, Kara as no doubt about that. She knows with almost no hesitancy that if Lena were to know that someone tried to erase even the smallest of memories from her brain, the organ that is both her greatest ally when it comes to her work, and her worse enemy when it comes to her mental health, she would not react well.

"So, is this why my head felt like someone tried to make breakfast with it ?" Lena asks, her interrogation somehow both firm and feeble.

A second too late, Kara realises Lena's heartbeat moved from J'onn's office to right behind her.

"You sure seem to like rooftops," Lena says, eyeing Kara from where she stands stiffly, away from the edge.

"I just enjoy the fresh air."

Inhaling deeply, Kara slowly spins on herself, arms wide open. Goofily, she jumps on top of the thick edge separating them from a 37 stories fall.

"Get away from the edge," Lena says, trying, and failing, to mask her worry. "You could fall."

"It's okay, I can fly !"

"But I can't," Lena seethes, "and if you fall I'll do something stupid like jump after you."

"I'd catch you." Kara shrugs, but she still steps off the edge to join Lena in the middle of the roof. There's an air vent there, and she sits on it, patting the spot beside her in a silent invitation for Lena to settle next to her. "How are you feeling ?" she asks cautiously once Lena has shuffled close enough to her for her to be satisfied.

"About the mind wipe ? Are the rest ?"

"About anything you need to talk about."

Kara reaches out to briefly squeeze Lena's hand, trying to breathe in comfort without being overbearing ; it's a hard balance to master, and she's been known for being suffocating at times. Before she can let go however, Lena retains her hand in her own and threads their fingers. She's looking at her curiously, like she's trying to read her soul, to dissect it and lay it out so she can dive in and understand all of her. Eventually, she exhales sharply, and starts talking, her eyes fluttering close and open as she says the first few words.

"I have trouble relying on my brain sometimes. I see, perceive, things differently from you, from most people really, and it can be hard to challenge my beliefs. I experience a lot of anxiety, it can be paralysing, and there are days when I don't know if I can trust my brain. To know that there is someone out there who can just enter my mind on a whim and do absolutely everything with it is highly disturbing. Everything else, you being an alien, the DEO, is something I can get used to, but someone breaching my mind is something that is going to be more difficult to deal with. It makes me feel unsafe, and there isn't much I can do about it."

Kara sighs, and has to consciously remember not to crush Lena when her fingers reflexively contract around her very breakable human hand. "I wish I could protect you from that."

"Director J'onnz has already promised he won't do it again. As for the rest, you can't protect me from my own mind. All you can do, all I can ask for, is for you to be there when I need it." Lena speaks slowly, almost over enunciating every words like she's trying to convince herself as much as she's talking to Kara. Kara expects her voice to break at some point, for it to crook, bend, but it doesn't. It's small, but it carries Lena's words nonetheless.

"That's something I can do. I can, and I want to be there for you." As she makes this promise, her breath catches in her throat, and she knows tears are threatening to spill from her eyes. Lena is so special, so good ; and though it's no use to think so, though hardships build someone just has much as victories do, Kara can't help but feel her guts twist when she thinks about all the bad things she's had to go through. Slowly, tenderly, she kisses the side of her head, leaving her lips there for a moment, until she can feel Lena building up strength to speak again.

"I don't really have a framework for this," Lena says, "I have no idea how healthy relationships are supposed to work. But I want to try, with you. I really do. I just need you to know that being with me isn't easy. I'm not an easy person to deal with, I do weird things, my wealth can be smothering, I don't always react accordingly to situations, I..."

"If it's with you, it doesn't have to be easy," Kara cuts before Lena can spiral any further. "And if I have to remind you of that every single day, then I will. It's as simple as that. Being with you is worth it. But you have to talk to me, alright ? Tell me when you're feeling uncomfortable with something, or when you need help. This way, we can build our own framework, make our own rules."

"I can do that," Lena says turning to look at Kara with the softest of smiles. It's the kind of smile that could make her lift mountains, fly, is she weren't already able to. It shines warmer than the afternoon sun, and for a second Kara worries, because she perceives the lengths she could go to to protect that smile. It's been building up for a while, faster than with anyone else yet still just simmering under the surface, but it's in this very moment that Lena becomes her everything. Clarity downs on her as she watches the sunlight reflects on her diamond like skin, and it's frightening, shattering, but she embraces it nonetheless.

"What ?" Lena asks when she catches her staring. She arches a perfect eyebrow, and Kara realises she's starting to fall in love with her.

"Nothing," she says, shaking her head with a lazy smile. "Life's crazy, but I really like you."

"I really like you too."

"What am I looking at exactly ?"

"Alex's blood."

"I gathered as much," Lena says, rolling her eyes and switching the slides under the microscope. "But am I looking for anything in particular or do you just need a second opinion."

"Anything you can tell us would be useful really." Kara reaches out and squeezes her shoulder gently. Kelly has managed to get Alex to sit down long enough for her to half fall asleep and admit she is indeed tired and they're dozing off on the hospital bed. "Alex went through her samples twice but I still think we're missing something."

"Alright," Lena says, stepping away from the lab table and turning to Kara. "There are trace amount of lead, which was to be expected since you told me there is lead in this drug, but the level isn't deadly." Kara nods, taking in each of her words and mulling over them. She's heard various versions of this other the past few weeks and she's trying to fit them with what Alex told her, but it just doesn't click. "Alex is in serious need of every vitamins known to mankind and then some and she has a weird iron deficiency but other than that, nothing is out of the ordinary."

"And you can confirm that these deficiencies are linked to the drug, right ?"

"I can yes. If we compare this sample," Lena says, grabbing a small tube out of a tray, "with this one," she adds taking another one, "the difference is clear. I think that lead as a lot to do with her iron level falling which would mean that this drug has been made specifically to target humans. Unless you know of another species with a high sensitivity to lead ?"

"Yeah," Kara whispers, thinking as she speaks. "Daxamites are allergic to lead but the last one living on Earth was killed for his association with Krypton. But... So lead is a cause for low iron level, right ?"

"Yes, it's a quite common cause for this. High exposure to lead can cause a decrease in iron absorption. Is that particularly significant to you ?"

"Yeah. I mean maybe. I'm not sure. Kryptonians on Krypton had naturally high iron levels because we metabolised it faster and we had more efficient red blood cells. But. Rao !" Kara exclaims, frustration pressing on her head and making her see red. She's trying, really trying, to remain calm but she knows she's missing something, has been missing it for weeks, and she can't help but think that it's right in front of her. "Decrease in iron levels," she mumbles, "possible lack of vitamins, organ failure, fantasy world. Fantasy world..."

It can't be. It's impossible. It's a method of killing on Krypton that had been outlawed hundred of cycles ago. And yet. She doesn't want to believe it, because how ? How ?

"Fantasy world ?" Lena repeats, prompting her to go on as her brows knit in a frown.

"Black Mercy," Kara whispers, these two words almost getting caught in her throat as their weight makes it hard to breathe.

"Black Mercy ?"

"It's a bioengineered plant from Krypton. It was used for centuries to carry out the death penalty but they were all destroyed after the discovery of the Phantom Zone lead to this more 'ethical' choice for sentencing." Kara speaks slowly, hoping that by the time she's done talking all of this will appear as completely ridiculous and it will be something else. She'd even take starting their investigation all over again if it meant it wouldn't be linked to Krypton. "It would attach to the body and suck its vital force, trapping the convict in their perfect fantasy as a twisted way to make the death penalty less cruel. We studied it in history lessons but we never broached anything concrete about it like it's molecular structure or how to make one. Manufacturing these was made illegal long before I was even born so I couldn't have known but..."

"So you couldn't have known period," Lena cuts firmly. "It's not your fault."

"But..." Kara tries.

"Not buts. You didn't know. You do now and you can help now, but it was impossible for you to do anything before you had all the informations. It's not your fault."

"I can't help now either," Kara sighs in defeat, her heart roaring in her ears as pieces of the puzzle rearrange themselves to unfurl this new and terrible development. "There's is no cure for the Black Mercy and certainly not for a modified version that is unlike anything I've seen before."

"You can't help," a voice rings out behind her, "but maybe I can."

Kara whirls around to find Sam standing at Alex's bed for the second time in as many days. Her blood boils and she tries to focus on Lena's presence by her side. Lena who she was holding in her arms a few hours ago, Lena who is trying so hard to be open and trusting, Lena who is good, and deserves more than for Kara to rip her best friend's throat out.

"What are you doing here ?" she asks slowly instead of launching herself at her.

"I asked her to come." Alex clears her throat and shuffles to sit upright in her bed, trying to stand taller than she is and feel. "I didn't ask her to come help, but at this point, everybody's welcomed." There's something in her eyes, phantom brokenness, and Kara feels a surge of protectiveness for her sister.

"May I ask," Kara says, struggling to keep her voice even, "how you of all people would be able to help with any of this ?" She's infinitely grateful for the presence of Alex and Lena in the room, because if it were just her, she might just hit Sam again. Something churns in her stomach, a mixture of anger and gut wrenching sadness that sparks every time she turns her eyes to Sam's face ; she realises she could just as well be sick, and throw up on her.

"I know a thing or two about the Black Mercy."

"So do I," Kara seethes. Lena puts a gentle hand on her elbow and she forces herself to take a long deep breath.

"I know they were manufactured again," Sam says sombrely, "and I know who was doing it."

To that, Kara has to relent. Time stops in the room as everybody retains their next breath and Sam shuffles from foot to foot suddenly hesitant. "Okay," Kara says on her next exhale, "I'm listening now."

"My family did this, my mother." She stops to gather her thoughts, and Lena jumps on the poorly timed dramatic pause to blurt something that sounds ludicrous even to her.

"Patricia is an alien too !?"

Alex snorts and Sam chuckles sadly. She forces her lips into a tentative smile but it doesn't hold. "No not my mum. My birth family on Krypton. Turns out the House of Vex was pretty shady. That's why I left you."

"Not now Sam, please," Alex whispers from her bed, cutting Kara before she forgets to be civilised and punches her into the next century.

"Do you know what they wanted to do with it ?" Lena chimes in, her apparent calmness only rivalled by Kelly's.

"Make money. The last shipment left shortly before we did."

"Do you know where it went ?"

"The archives from this space sector tracked the cargo to Maaldoria."

"Oh," Kara mumbles, "that's not good."

"It isn't." Sam sighs. "I'm sorry."

She looks at her feet again, and for a moment, Kara gets a glimpse of the person she used to know. She doesn't have to fake the words that come out of her mouth next. "It's okay. It's not your fault." And it's true. A lot of blame can be put on Sam Vex, but not this, and the least Kara can do is acknowledge it, even if it pains her to do so.

And it is painful. Because she wants to be mad. She wants to hate her and she wants to prevent her from coming back into their lives ; but the more she looks at her and the more she sees her former best friend, her second sister, instead of the woman she's come to hate. Lena must sense her conflict, because she comes closer to her and wraps herself around her tensed arm, soothing her hand up and down her body until she relaxes.

"Are Maaldorians particularly known for drug dealing ?" Lena asks, her brow creasing with her thinking.

"Not really," Alex says, "they're more into slave trade. But we haven't had to shut down one of their trade routes in a while so it's possible they decided to expend their business. But they aren't really smart so I don't see them synthesising a plant to make drug."

"That's at least a place to start looking," Kara adds, sounding much more positive than she actually feels. "Preferably before our new friend decides to wreck another part of town." At her words, there's an uptick in Sam's heartbeat, and she flinches. It's almost imperceptible, actually Kara is sure she's the only one who notices, but it awakes doubt in her, and maybe it's because she's already suspicious of Sam, but she can't shake it. "Why are you here again ?" she asks, turning all of her attention to the other Kryptonian.

"Alex asked me to come," Sam replies, slowly, and with enough hesitancy that the whole rooms attention shifts to her.

Kara wants to press on, question her, but Alex cuts her short.

"We need to talk about Ruby," she says after clearing her throat. She sounds small again, tired, maybe it's her default now ; and Kara wants to coddle her in a warm blanket forever, away from Sam.

The DEO lunch room might be the worst place in the universe. And that says something considering that Kara has spent two decades in space purgatory. It's loud, too brightly lit and smells of a thousand different gross things at the same time. But Alex wants a jello cup and who is Kara to deny her this simple, though quite weird, pleasure. Lena stands at her side in the queue, mildly amused by the whole situation and Kara suspects that she has never set foot in such a place before.

Really, she suspects Alex wanted to talk with Sam for a bit without having her hovering over her shoulders with barely veiled death threats ; nobody likes jello cups enough to crave them when they come back from almost death. But she didn't point it out, only complied and dragged Lena with her.

"You know this is closer to pee than actual tea, right ?" she asks when Lena selects a little yellow tea bag on the shelf.

Lena snorts, and her face crunches in the most adorable way. "I know," she says, "I drank some in an airport once and I'm pretty sure it cursed me. I have my own with me but I want them to give me actual hot water and not that half warm shit from the vending machine."

"You," Kara starts, biting back a mocking smile, "you do know I could boil it for you ? With my heat vision ?"

"Oh, that's right," Lena mumbles. Her cheeks glow slightly red, and the look of shocked recognition on her face has Kara laughing all the way back to the med bay.

"What's so funny ?" Kelly asks when they set foot inside the room. She's still sitting on the chair by Alex's bed, but she looks more relaxed than she has in the past sixteen hours. Sam is nowhere to be seen, and Alex is lying down with her eyes closed, but isn't sleeping. She too looks better, if only a bit tired ; and a smile stretches on her lips when she hears her fiancée's voice.

"Oh not much," Kara replies with a teasing grin, "just Lena consistently forgetting that I'm an alien."

"Twice," Lena grumbles, "it happened twice."

"To be fair," Alex says without opening her eyes, "Kelly also keeps on forgetting you can do crazy stuff."

"Yeah, but Kelly's not my girlfriend," Kara says before putting her hand on her mouth in horror, jamming the jello cup in her indestructible upper lip in the process. "That's not the kind of things I should have said without asking you first," she mumbles sheepishly, turning to Lena with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Lena says, reaching out to take Kara's free hand. "We went on a date, we're going on another one. I'd really like to be your girlfriend." She leans up, pressing a kiss on the corner of her mouth. The heat of her light blush fills the air between them, and when she steps back, Kara squeezes her hand to keep her close.

"Lesbians…" Alex groans, her finally opened eyes filled with teasing annoyance.

"To be fair," Kelly cuts with a laugh, "you're also a lesbian babe. Let them have their fun."

"Fine." Petulantly, she crosses her arms on her chest before abruptly unfolding them to make grabby hands at Kara. "Gimme my jello."

"You don't even like jello," Kara says, nonetheless tossing the disgusting cup at her sister.

"But Kelly does," Alex says, catching the cup with surprising dexterity for someone who was out for the count not so long ago. "And she deserves it because she's amazing."

"Thank you babe," Kelly coos, grabbing the cup from her fiancée's hands. "I love you."

"I love you too," Alex says, "forever," she adds in a whisper.

Her words are meant for Kelly only but Kara easily hears them anyway and Lena can probably understand them too given the love that radiates from the couple in front of her. "Lesbians," she mutters with a fond smile.

Kara wouldn't be surprised if her heart were to burst with love.