Chapter 24: What If

There were few times in her life that left her with what ifs, but the night of Halloween did and she would bring these what-ifs late in the night and turn them over in her mind like pancakes on a hot griddle.

Halloween evening Sirius wouldn't go to sleep. He was pacing back and forth and his anxiety was making it hard for her to read. The room was heavy with it.

"Sirius,please," Calamity said gently. She tapped the couch next to her and he moved to the couch and sat down, staring at his pumpkin juice determinedly.

"I know you don't want to discuss it," Calamity began, but Sirius looked at her quickly a range of emotions crossing his face.

"I can't talk about it," he said. "I want to."

"I know."

"Will you read to me?"

"I don't know if it will help your anxiety," Calamity said gently, but Sirius was already laying across her lap, hands crossed on his chest, a look of determination on his face. He was determined to relax. Calamity opened up her book, The Trial by Kafka,and began to read.

"Someone must have been telling lies about Josef K., he knew he had done nothing wrong but, one morning, he was arrested. Every day at eight in the morning he was brought his breakfast by Mrs. Grubach's cook - Mrs. Grubach was his landlady - but today she didn't come. That had never happened before. K. waited a little while, looked from his pillow at the old woman who lived opposite and who was watching him with an inquisitiveness quite unusual for her, and finally, both hungry and disconcerted, rang the bell. There was immediately a knock at the door and a man entered. He had never seen the man in this house before. He was slim but firmly built, his clothes were black and close-fitting, with many folds and pockets, buckles and buttons and a belt, all of which gave the impression of being very practical but without making it very clear what they were actually for.

'Who are you?' asked K., sitting half upright in his bed. The man, however, ignored the question as if his arrival simply had to be accepted, and merely replied, 'You rang?'"

Calamity could feel Sirius' stiff back on her leg. Despite his determination he was not relaxing. "Sirius," she began again, but he shook his head.

"Keep going," he said.

What if she had stopped and forced him to share his worries right then?

Calamity sighed and ran her hand gently through his hair as she continued.

"'Anna should have brought me my breakfast,' said K.

He tried to work out who the man actually was, first in silence, just through observation and by thinking about it, but the man didn't stay still to be looked at for very long. Instead he went over to the door, opened it slightly, and said to someone who was clearly standing immediately behind it, 'He wants Anna to bring him his breakfast.'

There was a little laughter in the neighbouring room, it was not clear from the sound of it whether there were several people laughing. The strange man could not have learned anything from it that he hadn't known already, but now he said to K., as if making his report 'It is not possible.'

'It would be the first time that's happened,' said K., as he jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on his trousers. 'I want to see who that is in the next room, and why it is that Mrs. Grubach has let me be disturbed in this way.'

It immediately occurred to him that he needn't have said this out loud, and that he must to some extent have acknowledged their authority by doing so, but that didn't seem important to him at the time. That, at least, is how the stranger took it, as he said, 'Don't you think you'd better stay where you are?'

'I want neither to stay here nor to be spoken to by you until you've introduced yourself.'

'I meant it for your own good,' said the stranger and opened the door, this time without being asked.

The next room, which K. entered more slowly than he had intended, looked at first glance exactly the same as it had the previous evening. It was Mrs. Grubach's living room, over-filled with furniture, tablecloths, porcelain and photographs. Perhaps there was a little more space in there than usual today, but if so it was not immediately obvious, especially as the main difference was the presence of a man sitting by the open window with a book from which he now looked up.

'You should have stayed in your room! Didn't Franz tell you?'

'And what is it you want, then?' said K., looking back and forth between this new acquaintance and the one named Franz, who had remained in the doorway. Through the open window he noticed the old woman again, who had come close to the window opposite so that she could continue to see everything. She was showing an inquisitiveness that really made it seem like she was going senile.

'I want to see Mrs. Grubach ... ,' said K., making a movement as if tearing himself away from the two men - even though they were standing well away from him - and wanted to go."

"Calamity?"

She paused and watched him as he stood and paced again. True that this sort of behavior had become more common as he had begun to meet with James and Dumbledore in secret, but even this pacing was more intense than it usually was after such meetings. She waited patiently for him to speak again. He was clearly scanning the room without seeing it, thinking about something far beyond these walls.

"Calamity," he said finally. "Where are my motorbike keys?"

"I imagine on the counter," she said.

He hurried over and grabbed them, then disappeared through the hallway coming back moments later with his leather jacket and helmet.

"I feel like I need to check something," he said. He put on his helmet. He paused, a look of concern on his face. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," Calamity said. She wondered momentarily what he would have done if she had said no. Instead, his face broke into an appreciative look and he kissed her forehead.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said "and I expect you to come back with a lovely bunch of flowers after all this trouble you've caused."

He let out a bark like laugh as he closed the door behind him calling,"For you? Always!"

What if she hadn't let him go?

He didn't return and instead she fell asleep on the couch reading until she was being shaken awake. She opened her eyes and found Remus Lupin staring at her, his face distraught.

"Where's Padfoot? WHERE IS PADFOOT?"

"Remus," Calamity said groggily. "What in the world- I thought you were off on Order business. How-"

"There's no time," Remus snapped. His tone silenced Calamity. "Where is Sirius?"

"I don't know," she said standing. The anxiety was back in the room. Everything seemed somehow changed- though she couldn't imagine how. "Why? What's happened?"

She picked up the Kafka from the floor, flipping quickly to find her page and bookmark it. The last lines she had read was: There's nothing stupid about what you've said, Mrs. Grubach, or at least I partly agree with you, only, the way I judge the whole thing is harsher than yours, and think it's not only not something complicated but simply a fuss about nothing. I was just caught unawares, that's what happened. If I had got up as soon as I was awake without letting myself get confused because Anna wasn't there, if I'd got up and paid no regard to anyone who might have been in my way and come straight to you, if I'd done something like having my breakfast in the kitchen as an exception, asked you to bring my clothes from my room, in short, if I had behaved sensibly then nothing more would have happened, everything that was waiting to happen would have been stifled.

Remus interrupted her thoughts. "The Potters, I came back as soon as I heard about the Potters."

"What about them," Calamity asked.

"You haven't heard?"

"You just woke me up, Remus," Calamity snapped. She regretted it immediately because Remus' anxiety had turned suddenly to pity. To be the one to break the news to her- whatever the news was.

"You Know Who was after them so they went into hiding, but he found them. Last night he came and," Remus' voice broke and tears welled in his eyes. "He murdered them."

"And Harry," Calamity asked. She moved towards the closet to get her coat. "What about Harry? We have to go."

"Calamity," Remus began, but she ignored him, muttered a spell to allow apparition and with a pop she was gone.

What if she had let him finish? What if she had looked for Sirius right then and there instead?

She appeared in Godric Hollow an instant later, but it was not the usual serene quiet village. It was loud- wizards were walking about in robes as Muggles gave strange looks. She was stuck in a crowd- there had never been a crowd here before. She checked her watch: it was noon. Why were so many people ignoring the ministry warning? She pushed her way through the crowd without a word, even treading on a wizard's foot.

"Sorry," she snapped, not sorry at all.

"No need to be sorry, sister," hiccuped the wizard. "You Know Who is dead and we are finally done with the war!"

She stopped and turned.

"What?"

"Haven't you heard," asked the wizard swaying slightly. "Little Harry Potter killed him, then disappeared without a trace. We can breathe easy, once again! After all these years."

"What about his parents," she demanded, but the drunken wizard was distracted by a friend on the other side of the crowd.

"Calamity!"

She turned to see Remus behind her, his hand on her shoulder. He gave it a tug and she followed him. They moved away from the crowd, down a side street to the Potters'. The village grew quiet again, the party far saw why as they passed St. Jerome's church. There was no one in front of the Potters' cottage- if you could even call it a cottage anymore. Muggle crime scene tape wrapped around the yard and house, the top floor blown apart as if a bomb had erupted from within.

The world stood still as Calamity stood with her mouth ajar, a far away buzzing in her ear. Distantly she could feel Remus' eyes on her. She turned to him. He wasn't shocked. He had known all of this. The buzzing turned into a gnawing feeling. Sirius was still out. Where was he? Did he know?

"Lily and James," Calamity said dumbly.

"He killed them," Remus said. Tears were running down his face now.

"We have to find Sirius," she said. "He's going to do something stupid when he finds out."

Remus' face transformed into a menacing one.

"He knows."

"Then he's about to do something stupid," Calamity snapped. She paused. "How does he know? You told him?"

"Calamity, he was their secret keeper."

"What?"

"I thought you knew," Remus said.

"No," Calamity snapped. "You think that Sirius- you think Sirius would betray them? You think he did this?"

"Calamity, I know it. Dumbledore confirmed it."

Calamity felt weak. She couldn't breathe. She felt her body drop to one knee, staring at the ruins again. Her Sirius did this? Padfoot would do this to Harry?

Her cheeks felt hot with tears.

"No," she said firmly. "He would never do that."

Remus touched her shoulder.

"He did. The Ministry is searching for him now."

"You didn't come to wake me up," Calamity said turning on him suddenly. "You came for Sirius. You thought he did this and came to get him to turn him in."

"I wasn't going to turn him in if I found him," Remus said darkly.

Calamity pushed him away. "He didn't do it!"

"Calamity, think about it. He's been a double agent the whole time. He fooled us all, even Dumbledore. If he could fool Dumbledore, couldn't he fool you?"

"He thought you were the traitor!"

She had never meant for Remus to find out and certainly not like this, but the rage was pumping in her ears. The accusation hung in the air and Remus moved his hand from her shoulder, standing back.

"But I wasn't," he said coldly. "He was."

"You're wrong," she said. She wanted to hurt him. Wanted him to know that he was insignificant to her and that his lack of faith in Sirius was unforgivable. "He was right. You turn your back on your friends without a second thought. James would be disgusted."

Remus stood stone still, his eyes at those eyes she believed that he would have killed Sirius if he had found him. For a long moment he said nothing, then he looked at the ruins of the Potters' cottage, then back to Calamity.

"James Potter is dead."

With a pop he disapparated and Calamity wouldn't see him again for twelve years.

What if she hadn't chased him away? What if she had reacted as a friend instead of an enemy?

Calamity stood, and brushed off her knee, straightening herself up. She tried to tear herself away from the scene, but she remained for hours that felt like minutes. Finally, she disapparated.

She didn't apparate home. Instead she went to the used bookstore nearby. She was sure the ministry was in her flat. If Remus had thought to look there, certainly the ministry would now that the protective charms were gone. She moved into the store, running her hand along the dusty spines of the books, feeling them but not seeing them. Where would Sirius go? What did he know that no one else did?

She paused as a book fell over from her push, harder than she had meant it to be. She leaned down and picked up the small book, turning it over to return it into the shelf. The golden writing shown through the dust: Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare.

What if he had betrayed them?

A/N: Don't forget to REVIEW! Would love to hear your thoughts!