Lena approaches Sam's room cautiously. There's a cruel lack of protocol for this kind of situations, and she doesn't think that "sorry you had to beat up my girlfriend" will be even remotely appropriate ; especially since they haven't had much opportunities to talk, be it intentional or not.
The door is ajar and she knocks on it softly before letting herself in, expecting her friend to be asleep. Instead, she finds Sam awake, propped up against her pillows and with her daughter cuddled at her side. Ruby is on the edge of slumber, soothed by the soft voice of her mum recounting the tale of Harry Potter. Lena stands there just looking for long seconds, revelling in the tender peace of this moment after so much pain and violence. She doesn't know where much of anything stands anymore but at least there's that, her family.
"We're trying to start anew on good basis," Sam eventually says when Ruby has succumbed to sleep. "I'm trying to you know," she adds motioning for Lena to come closer, "be a good not lying mother and all."
"You are a good mother," Lena says with a frown as she sits on the edge of the bed.
"I hid something big from her," Sam counteracts. "And I haven't been very present lately."
"You were only trying to protect her. Believe me, I know what a bad mother is like and you're nothing like that."
"You," Sam stammers, "you're not wrong. Thank you Lena."
Lena smiles, then shrugs. She doesn't know how to carry the conversation forward.
"How are you feeling ?" Sam asks softly after a minute of nothing but breaths hanging in the recycled air.
"I don't know," Lena sighs. "I'm tired, I guess. I. My girlfriend is a cyborg. And I almost fried her brain. I don't think there's a correct way to feel about this."
"And it's completely okay. I thought you'd stay with Kara though."
"I needed a breather," Lena mumbles, deflating on herself. "She tried to leave. To protect us."
"I can't really blame her for that," Sam shrugs with a half smile.
"I know, I know." Lena chuckles sadly. "I don't know what to do."
"Take a nap."
"That's not really the kind of advice I was looking for."
"That's the kind of advice I'm giving you," Sam fires back. "You need a break."
For a second, Lena thinks about pushing back, but the truth is she's tired, and not even remotely fine. "I don't know if I can sleep," she says eventually.
"Then just lay down with me for a moment. Disconnect."
"Okay."
Sam shuffles on the bed until there's enough room for Lena to lay next to her. She does so with surprising dexterity for someone who was exposed to a high dose of Kryptonite, lifting Ruby with one arm to adjust her against her and opening the other so that she can wrap her best friend in a warm embrace.
"I'm gonna repurpose my prosthetic for her."
"That's a good idea," Sam replies, soothingly rubbing her hand up and down Lena's arm.
Lena yawns. She feels herself slipping away, and as she does, a question arises at the back of her mind, something she hasn't had much time to think about. "Can I ask you a question ?"
"Anything you want."
"Was Veronica...? Did you see her ?"
"I saw a body but..."
"Sam," Lena cuts sternly.
"She was dead."
"Okay," Lena is aware that this isn't the best reaction she could have to this ; her current girlfriend just brutally murdered her ex-girlfriend and this has ramifications that go beyond simple words. But when it comes to Veronica, she feels nothing, all her pain is dedicated to Kara. "I'm in love with her. With Kara," she whispers after a while.
"But ?" Sam prompts softly disregarding the multiple obvious answers to this question.
"But I don't know how she'll feel about that because, because she, you know."
"Because her evil alter ego tried to kill you ?"
"Yeah," Lena whispers, "that. But I, I'm in love with her."
L-Corp's deepest lab is desert, and Lena realises with a start that she doesn't even know what day it is, or what time for that matter. Whatever the reason, she slips in unnoticed and is grateful for it ; the bruises around her neck may be receding quickly thank to the DEO's enhanced medication, but she still looks roughed up and she doesn't want to have to talk to anybody, let alone an over eager employee. She scans her pass, her hand and her eye before the door unlocks and slides open with a comforting hiss. With her arrival, the lab blinks to life, the lights turning on one after the other, and in its clean atmosphere, Lena feels like she can breathe somewhat easier.
In a flurry of quick moves, she removes her jacket, slips on her lab coat and ties her hair back in a slick ponytail. In another couple of brisk gestures, her sleeves are rolled up, her watch removed and her shoes kicked off. The prosthetic is waiting for her on the table, still half fried and split open, and she gets to work immediately.
She starts by removing the burned off panels, exposing the complex Nth metal structure laying underneath them. Sparks fly as two flyaway wires come in contact with each other and a loud Irish curse falls from her mouth. She needs to be more careful. With slightly more caution, she gets rid of the remaining covering until all that's left are metal bones, circuits, wires and a useless kinetic battery. The smooth metal is beautiful and she finds a certain peace in it. This is something she understands, this is something she can fix.
She starts by manually testing the pistons, revelling in the way they allow the bones to glide easily. She repeats the movement more than she really needs to, only stopping when her brain reaches a new state of order and calm.
Then she replaces all the wires, thinking about Kara as she does so. Now that she's alone, it's easier to wrap her head around everything, to make sense of what she can understand, and to set apart what she can't deal with for the time being. Her mind is almost frighteningly clear and she wonders if it might be residual adrenaline. It could also be the seven coffees she drank on her way here.
She knows with deep clarity that she loves Kara. Loves her in all her complexity, loves her in spite of what happened. She knows that there will be sequels, scars on their relationship ; one doesn't just get over being accidentally strangled by their partner's evil alter ego. But she also knows that she won't leave Kara. Not just because it would be like ripping away a piece of herself, but because of the conscious choice she made of staying and trying because Kara is worth it.
When she's done with rewiring the metal bones, she moves on to the battery, shaking it several times to give it an initial charge. The outside has been blackened by the previous incident, but it still vibrates to life, pulsing in Lena's hand with a steady rhythm. It's suppose to be subtle, mimicking a human heart to be undetectable, but it might still be too much for Kara, and anyway, it turns off in a minute, unable to hold the charge. With deft fingers, she snaps off the top of the formerly shiny box to get a look at the inside. The capacitor is fried. She stares at it for a long minute, until even when she blinks, the piece of junk is imprinted on her retina. How the hell did she build something that flimsy ?
Before she's fully formulated the idea in her head, she dashes back to the main lab, jumping over the threshold and covering the last few meters by sliding on her socks. She almost slams into the lab table that is her destination, catching herself on its edge with her hands. The table is covered in wires and circuits and she starts digging with manic energy ; she knows there's something there for her. She's got multiple scratches on her hands by the time she finds the shiny cylinder she's looking for. She'll have to let her interns know that they need to clean up better ; but this should work, they've been developing it for month under her supervision and it's state of the art. About half the size of a regular capacitor it can hold up to twenty times the usual charge, and the Nth metal covering should protect it from interference. Quickly, she solders it into the battery and fits the coil and micro magnets around it, swearing mildly when her hand catches on the side of her hot iron. She holds her breath as she snaps the covering back into place, the smooth and perfect edges fitting perfectly.
She gives it an experimental shake, then another, and she feels the almost imperceptible vibrations as it flickers to life. She keeps her eyes on the clock, almost hypnotised as she watches seconds pass by and the battery doesn't run out. It doesn't run out either when the semi-sentient wires start thrumming, something that as always been a source of problem before. Now all she has to do is modify her code so it'll fit Kara and she will have achieved the work of a life time, a kinetic prosthetic with flawless nerves-machine connection. No big deal.
Her hand shakes a little as she connects her hard drive to her computer, an old laptop with a homemade CPU she's been tinkering with for years. She guesses she could also use one of L-Corp's latest computer, but she's got a special attachment to this one, it reminds her of simpler times. If there ever was something as simple times in her life that is.
She skims through Brainy's code, trying to find an anchor for hers. It's not a problem she'd have if Kara was, well, not a cyborg, but it's not a variable she can overlook, and she'll have time later to readapt her prosthetic for fully biological beings. It takes her a while to find the line she's looking for, and even longer to incorporate it into her own code. A prickle of anxiety makes itself known when she realises she needs to build a better bridge between the two but she squashes it, she doesn't have time for this. She tries to work as quickly as she can, the fear that Kara could worry about her absence more and more present in her mind. When she's done, she rips out the flash drive but has to be more careful when she connects it to the prosthetic. She didn't bother with putting the covering back on and the port is hanging on by only two wires. The flash drive blinks a familiar blue as it downloads its content into the prosthetic and Lena doesn't dare to breathe as it does so. Cold sweat trickles down her forehead and a pesky weakness has her holding on to the table for dear life.
Finally, the metal arms emits a deafening inaudible beep, and, it's done. Dozens of wires slither like as many tiny snakes and with a jittery hand, Lena removes the flash drive and takes hold of a delicate screwdriver to put new smooth and shiny panelling into place. She doesn't have time to grow synthetic skin so bare metal will have to do for now, even if it's not what's best for Kara's mental health. This thought swims around Lena's head for a bit but it's not until she puts her last tool down that it really hits her, she left Kara's side to make her a new arm and she isn't sure Kara even wants it. She didn't bother to ask, didn't bother to think about what Kara might want, what might be best for her. She simply rushed ahead full steam for her own benefit, to calm her own mind and to fix things for herself. Now that the prosthetic is nestled in its protective case and ready to go, Lena doesn't have anything to focus on, anything to fix.
Her legs sag from under her and she barely has time to catch herself to slow her fall. The floor is cold but it doesn't do much to clear her mind. She's overheating as her heart works double time and her lungs collapse on themselves. The room blurs around her, she can't breathe and she doesn't have strength to push her bad thoughts away, they just assault her from every side and the more she thinks about them the more she fears they're all going to come true. Her prosthetic won't work. Her prosthetic will work and Kara is going to be mad. Kara is going to leave her. That Brainiac person could be upon them right now and she could die in the next second, alone, away from Kara. Her lungs burn, her throat ache ; why didn't she tell anyone this is were she was going ? She's gonna die in here.
She rolls onto her back, legs kicking at nothing as she tries to make air work properly, but it's thick, it sticks to her body and compresses it. She thinks about Sam. Sam always manages to bring her back from this, but she isn't here now, it's just Lena, Lena and unbreathable air, Lena and twisted thoughts, Lena and imminent death no matter what she does to fix things. The ceiling comes into view, blurry from her tears but she still catches something to hold onto ; yellow plastic stars that stare back at her. She hangs onto them, hang onto the feeling of warmth and home until her body stops trembling, until she can breathe again. She sits up, holding her knees to her chest and rocking slightly to get rid of the dizziness. She tries to focus on Kara, on the fact that she's waiting for her back at the DEO and that there isn't much she can do now anyway. It's not very effective, but it's enough to get her up and out of her lab, her knuckles white with how hard she's clutching the strap of the prosthetic's case.
Save for Kara, the room is empty when Lena gets back. Her girlfriend is lying on the bed, eyes closed, her sole hand lying on top of the cover in an almost artificial way. For a split second, Lena thinks she dead and her heart drops to the bottom of her stomach. The case slips out of her fingers and crashes on the ground with a loud bang and both Kara and Lena flinch at the noise. Only then does she notice the unnatural flush of Kara's cheeks, she slight shallowness of her breathing ; all the signs that though wounded, she's still alive.
"Hey," Kara croaks with a pained smile.
"Hey," Lena whispers in turn, "where is everyone ?"
"Sent them away," Kara mumbles, "I needed some peace of mind. But I think Alex and Eliza will be back soon."
"How are you feeling ?" Lena asks, choosing the path of the obvious question as she picks up the case and moves closer to the bed.
"Not good," Kara answers with what she seems to intend as a shrug. "I think this might be infected," she adds, nodding towards her shoulder. "Kryptonite."
"Oh." Stilling her shaky hands, Lena grabs a cloth on the bedside table and empties half of a water bottle on it. She ends up with more liquid on her shoes than anywhere else but it still is something, and with great care, she lays the wet cloth on Kara's warm forehead. "You're gonna be okay," she whispers, more to herself than really to Kara. As if on cue, Kara starts coughing, her body shaking violently.
"Well that's new," she says when she goes to wipe her mouth only to find blood seeping from it.
"I'm going to get Alex." Lena springs from the bed with urgency but doesn't make it far. Kara's hand gently wraps itself around her wrist and she's tugged backward, falling awkwardly on the mattress.
"Not yet please," Kara whispers. "I missed you."
Lena considers it for a second ; in the end, Kara's feverish attempt at puppy eyes wins. "Alright. But only for a minute. You need medical care."
"Where did you go ?" Kara asks after they've adjust to lay in a less uncomfortable way. Lena almost doesn't hear her, her words lost as Kara mumbles them with her head buried in her hair.
"I," Lena starts, pushing back the spike of fear that arises at Kara's question. "Remember that prosthetic I showed you ?"
"Yeah," Kara replies evasively, her answer disappearing in her exhale.
"I worked on it a little. A lot," Lena confesses. "Adapted it for you. You don't have to be okay with it, or accept it but, but I, I think I just needed to do something productive."
"Okay."
"Just okay ?"
"Yeah," Kara confirms with a decisive nod that causes her chin to bump into Lena's head. "I'll need two arms to fight back."
"There are plenty of good reasons you need your arm back. Not just to punish yourself with a fight to death."
"But I need to fight," Kara says through gritted teeth, her body tensing with the anger she's restraining.
"I know," Lena says softly. "And I won't stop you, I know I can't, I..."
"Is that how you see me ?" Kara cuts somehow both angry and defeated. "Something you can't stop ? A variable you have to deal with because I'm too strong for you to oppose me ?"
"That's not," Lena tries, swallowing uncomfortably at the rage that emanates from her girlfriend. "That's not what I meant."
"No ?" Kara seethes. "You don't fear me at all ?"
"No I don't."
"I tried to kill you !" Kara snaps.
"You..."
"How can you bear to look at me ? I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I can't..."
"It's the eyes," Lena replies calmly. "When your body tried to kill me, I didn't see you. They were cold, empty. When you look at me, even know, even when you're angry, your eyes are warm, comforting. They're my safe place."
"I'm not angry at you," Kara whispers.
"I know."
"I just, I just don't understand how you can want to be around me, how anyone can want that when you know what I did and what's going to happen."
"I choose to stay. We all choose to stay with you."
"Yeah ? Well it's a bad fucking choice. You know there's no escaping this right ? Brainy told you ? If Brainiac deems you worthy of his collection he'll freeze you in time forever, if he doesn't, he'll make sure humanity can never stand again. And it's my fault."
"I still choose to stay," Lena replies, pushing back the small waver in her voice. "It's an educated choice. I'm not leaving."
"How can that be an educated choice ? You don't know the half of it !"
"Then tell me," Lena whispers. "Not now if you can't, I can understand if it's too hard, but, just, just don't shut me out. Please."
"I, I don't even know where to start..." Kara's body sags under Lena, she sinks into the mattress, her muscles melting with defeat.
"At the beginning ?" Lena offers tentatively. Her face contorts with her words, and she can feel her features pulling down in time with the pain that radiates from both Kara and herself.
"I died," Kara whispers, her voice somehow both soft and hoarse. She tenses again, trying to make herself tall even though she's lying down. She stays silent for a while, mulling over her words, and Lena doesn't push, she's willing to wait for her. When Kara starts talking again, she's never sounded so young.
By the time everyone starts trickling back into the room, Eliza with enough food to feed an army, Alex in work out clothes and with a thin layer of sweat covering her face, Director J'onzz as serious as ever ; Kara has exhausted herself talking, and she's burning up. Alex is on her sister in an instant. "You should have called me," she says, sending a pointed glare Lena's way.
"Don't," Kara mumbles, coughing up a bit of blood. "It was me, I wanted some alone time with my girlfriend."
A small smile graces Alex's face at that, but she's still tensed and ready to pounce. "I'll go get the sun lamps."
"About that," Lena cuts cautiously, "the prosthetic won't stick if we don't do it while Kara's weakened."
"The what now ?"
"Alex sweetheart," Eliza says softly, laying a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Let her talk."
Begrudgingly Alex nods sharply and Lena takes it as a sign to go on. "The wires need to establish a connection with her nerves. Chances are it won't happen if Kara's at top invulnerability."
"Lena's very smart," Kara mumbles with a feverish smile.
Eliza smiles tenderly at her Earth daughter. "She is," she says. "She's just as smart as you are."
Kara coughs again. "I don't feel so good," she whispers.
"It's okay sweetheart, we're here to help."
"I'll go get the lamp."
Too caught up in the sliver of blood running down Kara's chin, Lena barely notices Director J'onzz leaving the room. The dark red against Kara's unusually flushed skin is almost hypnotising and Lena snaps out of it with a shudder ; she needs to act and she needs to do so quickly.
She needs to be fast, but unlocking the case seems to last forever and she wants nothing more than to smash it open as the pad slowly scans her thumbprint before deigning to grant her access. "It's inamovible," she says as she lifts the heavy arm from the protective padding. "Since it's powered by kinetic energy and the battery can hold the charge even if you don't move for a long time, there's no need to be able to remove it. I do realise it's a serious commitment, so," Lena frowns, "so you can back down if you want to. I'm sorry, I should have told you about that sooner."
Kara sighs. "I'm all in. But I'll sign a waiver if you want me to. I can, I'm ambidextrous." She tries to throw in a smug smile but the way her face contorts doesn't do justice to her intentions. She just looks in pain, and vaguely delirious.
Behind them, Alex snorts. "Your Cs are square when you write with your left hand."
"I can still write with both hands, you're just jealous because you can't." Kara's petulant tone is only short of a stuck out tongue and it does wonder for the tensed atmosphere. Alex laughs sharply and Lena feels her shoulders relax ; they can get through this, and with that in mind, her gait is much more confident as she walks to Kara's side with the arm.
"Are you ready ?" she asks one final time.
"I am."
Carefully, Lena deposits the arm next to Kara and with steady hands, she lifts her shirt off her shoulder. The wound has reopened and greenish blood oozes from the laceration. The fabric sticks to it and she has to consciously schools her face at the sight. "Nth metal antibacterial properties eliminate the risk of prosthetic joint infection entirely," Lena says, talking quickly to distract herself, "so we don't have to worry about that but there are still plenty of things to consider. I've programmed it to fit your needs and we'll monitor it for a while, but if anything, anything at all, feels wrong at any time, you need to tell me. Promise me you'll tell me."
"I promise," Kara reassures softly. "You're so smart," she adds as Lena aligns the prosthetic with her shoulder. "But you also work so hard. You're amazing."
A strong blush invades Lena's cheeks and she ducks her head to hide it from Alex who sneers at her sister's dreamy voice. "Thank you," she mumbles, brushing up a few strands from Kara's forehead. "Tell me if anything feels wrong."
"I promise," Kara repeats.
Lena exhales slowly and with no further warning, all but jams the prosthetic into Kara's shoulder. Nothing happens, and she realises her mistake when her own arms start to tremble under the weight of Kara's metal one and she definitely can't free one to reach the screwdriver in her back pocket. "Um," she mumbles, "I'll need another pair of hands."
Alex dashes across the room to join her before neither Eliza, nor Director J'onzz who's returned with the lamp can react. "On it," she says as she carefully positions her hands next to Lena's to keep the prosthetic in place.
Confident that it won't move, Lena's slides her own hands away and takes hold of her screwdriver. "I'll grow skin for you later," she casually says as she lifts a small panel and blindly shoves her tool in the opening.
"Sure," Kara says like hearing this sentence is as common of an occurrence as commenting on the weather. She's barely finished enunciating this word however, that Lena turns a bolt a quarter to the right and the wires come to life, binding themselves to her flesh, and whatever she might have said next is turned into a pained yelp.
Lena holds her breath as she waits for Kara to say something. She feels suspended in time, doesn't know if she can't move or if her sudden stillness is of her own volition. Her minds run at a hundred miles an hour, going through every possible outcome and she readies herself for every possibility. She's on the verge on asking for a saw so she can cut the arm off when Kara wiggles her fingers. Air rushes out of her as her lungs resume their job ; it's working. "You can turn on the sun lamp now," she says to no one in particular. She can't tear her gaze off Kara, looking for any sign of malfunction. She wishes her girlfriend would speak, confirms she's doing okay ; at the same time, she understands, maybe, why she doesn't. When their eyes meet, Kara smiles, but it's not genuine.
