Well, hello!

As you can see, I'm really bored and I guess boredom made me write some poetic weird shit like the first part of this chapter.


Chapter 7: That weird and unexpected introspection


The night was warm; one of those nights where the sky was clear and the stars glowed like a myriad of tiny diamond specks spilled on the abyss.

She loved the night.

Under the harvest moon, when sliver drips shimmered on the highest ground of Uzushio, everything was quiet, muted almost.

It was during the night that she found her balance back or simply took the time to lick her wounds.

Books, poets, and writers always alluded to the night being entangled with the notions of coldness and loneliness. It wasn't. Not when the night threw her dark coat on her, cozying her into her warm and familiar embrace.

She loved Uzushio just as much as she loved the night but sometimes, with all the noises and life, it was too much. She needed a small break.

However, nighttime was the perfect time for unneeded introspections, or in her case, unneeded freak-out.

She had managed to keep all the what-if, how and what the hell at bay during the day but now that she was in her room with Yukio peacefully asleep next to her, they came back with revenge.

Her stomach churned and twisted with an explosive mix. Her emotions were all over the place, entangled with each other and Nagisa had to take deep breaths before she dared try to put orders in her thoughts.

Take it slow. She needed to know what caused that emotional turmoil. Well, she already had an idea about what it was but she needed to pinpoint the exact reason.

What was really bothering her?

She took the first wire and slowly tugged. It brought her back to that painted door. The room where she shoved all of her emotions. Her fingers brushed the handle before recoiling.

Open it.

She did. Inside, it was grim and desolated. From time to time, the sun of her joy was peeking out, watering the ground with warm rays but more often than not, it was hidden by the cloud of her worries.

At first, it was fine; she followed the wire to a misty path and she walked through the charred field of anxiety without too much problems. Anxiety was easy to deal with and easy to ignore.

But then, she reached the forest and things got messy. Icy cold needles pierced her and she broke into sweat. The wind howled terrible news while dead roots crawled toward her. She deafened herself to the noise.

Her heart sped up, her breathing became shallow and a part of her mind screamed for her to get out. Danger, danger,dangerdangerdagerdan-

Calm down, you're safe at home, you're not-

Danger,dangerdangerRunSurvivescREam

It was only when her guts turned icy that she understood what she was feeling. Fear. She was in the forest of her fear.

Yet, something called to her beyond the sprawling chaos that was her mind, right behind that heavy fog her fears were creating. The pull was inescapable now that she actually paid attention, like a thousand of strings tugging at her.

She willingly let them bring her closer and closer until she stopped, unable to go further. The dark fog was too much, overbearing and oppressing. But she trudged forward, gritting her teeth and clenching her hands.

She was too far in to go back now.

Tendrils of mist curled around her limbs, freezing and numbing them. Moving became harder and harder and she felt herself being pulled backward.

It was like going against a rubber band, at some point, she knew it would snap back. She just had to hope she could withstand it.

Keep going. Ducking her head, she pushed again and again, and again until she saw the light at the end. But...

It was snapping back.

She lost balance, tipping backward and in a blind panic, threw her hand forward, reaching for anything that could ground her.

No...

She was so close, she couldn't fail. Not now. But, no matter how much she dug the heel of her feet, she was inexorably dragged back.

NO!

She wailed her anguish, clawing at the mist that kept being stronger and denser, obscuring the light until she couldn't see it anymore.

She was trapped within her fears, slumping with a century of mistakes on her shoulders. She closed her eyes.

Alone in the dark.

She didn't like the dark. She liked the night because the stars and the moon were there but not the dark. So why did it have to be so black?

She whined softly and curled into a ball. Why couldn't she reach the other side? What stopped her? Her fears, but was it all?

Nagisa, something called her, soft and sad, and her eyes snapped open.

It wasn't dark. Not entirely. There was something here that still burned. Frail and easily dismissed, the flame of a candle followed her.

What?

There was one thing that could follow and shine through the darkness. Courage. The flame of her courage has been following her. For how long? Why?

For some kind of dumb reasons, she asked the candle, how do I get out? How do I get to the light?

As if it would answer her.

It didn't answer. At least, not immediately.

- You listen to the wind. Its voice was so small that she had to strengthen her ears to listen to it.

But it says horrible things.

- You cannot live your life without facing your fears unless you want them to shackle you.

That was weirdly wise, like one of those weirdly wise things the lady that believed herself to be an oracle says.

What was the light, she founded herself mouthing to the candle.

- Your courage.

Nagisa blinked. If that was her courage…Then who are you?

The light shone a bit brighter, as if pleased. You will know when you are ready.

When I am ready? Nagisa parroted. Ready for what?

- When you are ready to reach the other side. I'm merely a guide here.

But what must I do then? If you are a guide, then you can guide me to the light. That discussion made little to no sense.

- I can't.

Why? Nagisa was starting to get angry. She was uncomfortable. She wanted to get out and now.

- You are not ready. You're not entirely here yet.

That makes no sense. She was here and she came here by herself. What the hell was that candle talking about?

- You need to listen to your fears. You need to understand yourself.

You're me. Why are you talking in riddles? The flame flickered and almost died out. Wait! Don't leave!

Don't leave me alone in the dark.

But the candle didn't listen and grew smaller, and smaller, and-

Fine! I will do it. I will listen, so please, don't leave me. She nodded to herself and slowly uncovered her ears.

The furious roars of the wind took her by surprise and then she found herself overwhelmed, flopping around and rolling.

She was scared, so scared, and alone. She didn't want to be alone but-

The light of the candle flickered. Nagisa gasped.

She would die alone, and she couldn't do it, couldn't save them and-

She couldn't save them and she couldn't save it because she was-

Useless.

An impos-

Save what? Who?

The wind stopped, the deformed voices quietened. A silence heavy with secrets weighed on her. Looming. Terrifying.

At long last, it answered.

Uzushio.

...

She gasped, watching her room with wide eyes.

Out, her mind provided but her body had already reacted and she was quietly slipping out, leaving the warmth of her room and the snores of her brother behind.

Oh god. It didn't help, it didn't help one bit. It just made her panic.

She needed-

Her lungs expanded violently and she started hyperventilating. She felt the need to throw up. It was coming back to her too fast.

-to reach the sea.

She took the roofs and didn't touch the ground until she could make a straight line to the sea and there, she jumped in headfirst in it.

Her mind quietened a bit, shivers shaking her from time to time. She stayed underwater until her lungs burned.

Oh god… She forgot about that. She forgot about Uzushio's fall.

But did she really forget or did she deny it?

That was a question she knew the answer to and didn't like the answer.

Denial was a dangerous thing and she couldn't take the easy way out this time.

She needed to face everything head-on.

Nagisa sighed, watching the moon as the waves brought her back to the beach.

That was going to be two pains and a half.


Weirder things have happened and she came out of this surprisingly more insightful. She was more in harmony with herself. It was like her axis was back in place. She felt better but no one would realize something has changed.

However, while she was feeling better, the people around her were not. Mito, on one hand, always kept to herself and never tried to initiate contact between them. Nagisa was happy letting their relationship as it wa-

No. That was a lie. Nagisa wanted to speak with her - she wanted to connect with her - but she was also a bit sore that she never responded to her greetings - and she tried, every day she threw a 'good morning' only to be met by a tired gaze. That really mature part of her tried to excuse her; she was grieving, Daichi punched Namiyo, maybe she was shy? But Nagisa was not sure if she wanted to see reasons just yet.

So, she shoved that situation to the side; it could wait.

On the other hand, her father wasn't getting better either. If she was honest, he was getting worse. Distancing himself, even during the family dinner, most of his responses were short and curt. He made Yukio cry and he didn't even try to comfort him.

That reaction triggered something deep in her which made her snapped at him and he snapped back at her. It ended in a huge fight with Yukio crying even louder.

Her mother came apologizing on his behalf during the night.

Yukio forgave him soon after; Nagisa did not.


The sound of the waves, the tiny drops of seawater from the waves crashing against the rocks on her skin, that kind of unique smell that lingered on the tongue. Uzushio was that and so much more.

Playing with the sand, Nagisa watched the children playing, dunking and dancing with each other. Uzushio was a good place to live, free in the way that they only answered to themselves - no daimyo, no powerful nobles, just that association of clans that created Uzushio.

Uzushio was precious. It had to be protected, at all costs. But how?

She had thought about it for a week only to draw blanks. She needed to be smart.

Let's try again, she exhaled slowly.

Uzushio would fall in roughly 90 years. Fact. Attacked by multiple hidden villages. Fact. Some managed to escape. Fact. Konoha didn't help them. Fact.

But what happened? Without details, everything she could come up with would be easily skirted.

Why would Uzushio fall if there was a barrier unit? Was there a limit to what it could withstand? Did they raise the barrier or was there not enough time? Did they-

Her chakra pool created ripples in her agitation. Small at first, they grew in intensity.

Calm down. A clouded mind won't help. Be methodical, you have time.

She had time, yes, but she also had a deadline. And it made her anxious, fingers twitching to do something, to protect something she grew to love but even more than that, it made it real.

Before, it was uncertain, blurry, just a danger that loomed over her- their heads. She knew it would happen but not when. She could ignore it. Having some kind of date just anchored it in reality.

She had time, yes but how much? Following the path of the shinobi meant never being powerless ever again but also the possibility of dying every day and if she didn't find a solution before that-

"Well, hello Sensei. You're almost late," she said while looking at the waves.

It was really calming and-

"You could have started training." The gruff answer came with enough dryness that Nagisa knew he wasn't in the best mood. "You look off…"

"That's not a nice thing to say, you know. Is that how you seduced your lovers?"

He spluttered. "I don't-"

"You have, uh… let's say drops. You have drops of their chakra all over you. When are you going to present me? Is that a girl or a boy? You know, I'm not judg-" She rolled out of the way while laughing.

His foot created a small hole upon impact, sending dust

Nagisa raised a brow. He really put strength behind this kick.

"Did I touch a nerve?" She smirked. She really was feeling better. " Let's make a bet. If I make you fall during training, you pay for the food."

"And if you don't?"

"I shut up."

His smile turned dangerous.

...

"Take an apprentice, they say. It will be good for you, they say. Those lying bastards."

Nagisa snickered as Yakihiro-sensei paid for their food.

"Alright, brat. Here is your sashimi on a stick." Nagisa beamed at his constipated expression - Ah, the pleasure of proving him wrong - and dug into the food. The sweet flavor of salmon exploded in her mouth and she barely stopped the drawl of pleasure from falling. That was good sashimi, excellent even!

The merchant laughed and tipped his hat when she told him so.

Her ribs were throbbing, her legs were hurting and she felt like a giant bruise. But at least, she won the bet.

Happily skipping next to her sensei, Nagisa hummed a soft song. It was still warm, the sun setting over the horizon, golden glimmers reflecting on the sea, the sky darkening and becoming a wonderful canvas of colors; the street was noisy and lively and the food was toes-curling good. Yes, the girl nodded to herself, this is a good life.

An old man laughed loudly before punching a man behind the head.

May it never change.

"What are you still doing here? You're dismissed, don't you have friends to cause mischief with?" What? Nagisa stared incomprehensibly. Was he tired of her? "You know, prank the people, activate the seals that turn the stairs into slides."

Her look of growing horror was making him uncomfortable.

"There is a seal for that." And here she thought the stairs couldn't get worse but they could turn into slides? Kami protects her soul for she would murder the poor idiot that would do that to her.

"You didn't know? Why…? Oh no, let me guess. You don't have friends." He smirked, believing himself to be funny, unaware that he nudged one of her biggest problems.

"Hey!" Right into her insecurities. She felt the urge to defend herself. " I do have friends!"

He cocked a brow. A challenge, then? Very well.

"I have you and Mizu and- and Yukio, and…" She was drawing a blank here.

"We're not friends, you're my apprentice-"

"- that you care a lot about."

"- and Yukio is your brother."

But she still had one friend, though they were still at the early stage of friendship. It was better than nothing!

She puffed her chest out, ignoring her burning cheeks. "So?"

"... Your social life is depressing."

She deflated, "I know…"

She was aware that she should have more friends but it was hard. Children were not easy to get along with; they cared about irrelevant things, didn't have filters and she couldn't talk with them.

"Why, though? You're not a bad kid," He ignored her 'haha' victorious, "and you can be… funny?"

"Why are you looking so unsure? I'm hi-la-rious."

He offered her a tired glance but didn't react further.

"You're peculiar and you use words most of your age don't but that doesn't explain why…"

Nagisa grew quiet.

"I don't know," she shrugged, "perhaps I'm just too intimidating?"

Deadpan stared. He was good at conveying 'Oh, really?' with just a roll of eyes.

"What is there to be intimidated by? You're like an otter, small with mean teeth but overall harmless."

"Now, you're not fair. I thought I would, at least, be a seal. I'm cute, though." Under his hard gaze, Nagisa relented. "I don't know, my knowledge perhaps? They don't like a know-it-all."

He sighed, looking square in her eyes. "If that was the case, you would purposely dumb yourself. You don't. My take is that there is something that's stopping you.

"Fine," she sighed, shoulders dropping," because Kaa-san told me they wanted to befriend me because of who I was and not because of… who I am."

He rolled his eyes as if she was saying the dumbest thing in the world. "Not everyone wants to use you, brat and-"

She clenched her teeth, swallowing the burning in her throat. It burned her stomach and then reached her guts before spreading through her veins.

"-Do you need to have an answer for everything?" She was getting upset and tired of the probing. The next thing she knew, she was vomiting words, unable to stop herself."I know. I know, but it's scary. It's terrifying to let someone in because then, they will hold power over me and- and if they get close then they can hurt me and I don't want to be hurt. It sucks! I'm scared of letting someone in because if something happens to them then…" she swallowed with difficulty. "Then it will destroy me."

"Well… that was a lot to unload and, er- I'm not sure I'm the person you should have told. I mean, I'm-"

"Are you embarrassed?"

It actually hurt. More than she cared to admit because, in a way, he was dismissing her feelings. He couldn't even look her in the eyes, growing more agitated next to her.

Yakihiro-sensei scratched his head, pearls of sweat running down his face. "I'm not good with tears and insecurities and-"

"- emotions in general." cut Nagisa drily.

"Right." The silence was awkward and in this single instance, Nagisa regretted ever opening her mouth. "But, listen… Friendship is not about having power over others. It's wrong. Friendship is equality. What friendship is truly about is trust and- Hell, every kind of relationship is about trust. And- yeah… So, if you feel like that's the dynamic between you and your friend, then it's not right and ... Yeah, that's my point. Okay?"

Nagisa tilted her head before slowly nodding, squinting at her sensei in wonder. It was easy to forget that he was young under all that gruff. But he was still young and awkward.

He looked relieved the conversation was over as he closed his eyes, his constipated expression slowly melting away.

She understood his words and she could even rationalize them but it remained her fear; it wasn't something that pretty words could heal. Or awkward words for that situation.

But, at least, she mused, warmth spreading through her chest, he tries.

And it was more than some did.

"So, do you want to train more?"

Nagisa hummed softly. She felt relieved, lighter, like telling someone had reopened an infected wound and a bit of that miasma poured out. Her lips curled into a smirk.

"You know what would really lift my spirit, Sensei?" He sent her a wary glance but didn't answer. "Sweets, Sensei."

He groaned and facepalmed but didn't protest.

...

To be continued?


Well... That's it.

What is good with this chapter is that you can immediately see the effect this little introspection did. At first, Nagisa believed that the others were the problem and that she was perfectly fine but in fact, both are at fault. Nagisa, because she is eaten by fears and refused to accommodate the others and the others because they are not really accepting.

I wonder if you will understand the hints I put in the weird poetic introspection shit (because it will reappear later on), or if you have theories about that.

If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer it.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Sneeze or cough in your elbow, wash your hands and keep your distances.

I'm out.