A/N: Crack-Fic! If you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.

Big thank you to OlegGunnarsson here on FF for allowing me to use his dialogue in my story, hope you like it.

Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.

Warning2: If you are a particularly sensitive person, I don't know what you are doing here. If you want to read ahead against your better judgement, I can't help you. I'd advise you however to skip the section that is titled The next morning, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite.

This is also true if you don't want to read any fem!slash whatsoever. Consider yourself warned.

Also some mentions of slash were unavoidable for humoristic purposes!

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.


Evening, inside Voldemort's temporary evil lair, aka Malfoy Manor:

Lucius Malfoy was as proud as he could be, after all the Dark Lord had chosen his humble home as his preliminary base of operations. He knocked politely and waited patiently before entering his very own living room, which was now the temporary throne room of his Lord.

His appearance was well received, his master only held him under the cruciatus for a couple of seconds.

"What is it Lucius?"

Malfoy senior got up from the ground and draped his cloak over his arm, so no one would see the stain where he had peed himself. He should have taken a bathroom break before entering the throne room.

"A letter arrived for you Master. It was brought by a carrier pigeon."

Kneeling in front of his Lord, Lucius held out the letter. Voldemort tested it with a couple of spells but all came up negative. Carefully taking the letter, he unrolled it and began to read.

To my dearest Dark Lord,

I'm your most devoted Follower. All I want is to join you and your death eaters in the next raid. It would be so cool if I could join you proper then. With the tattoo and everything.

If you allow it, please return this letter with a time and place where and when we could meet up.

"Lucius?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Crucio!"

After watching Malfoy flop around for a bit, he lifted the curse.

"What kind of nonsense is this and why are you wasting my time with it?"

What neither of them knew, was that the letter had been soaked with LSD. Slowly but steadily, their skin absorbed the drug. The only problem was, that Lucius had already been holding the letter for quite a while before he delivered it.

"I don't know my Lord, it really seemed important!"

It seemed that the mild compulsion charm on the pigeon had done its work well. That, plus acid, well that was a different kind of magic all on its own.

"Why do I have to surround myself with imbeciles all the time? Crucio, crucio…"

Roughly one hour later…

Voldemort had been sitting on his throne, contemplating his plans for dominating the magical world, when a constant itch on his nose distracted him.

Reaching up to scratch it, he came to a horrible realization, his nose was gone! But it couldn't be far, if he was still able to feel the itch.

"LUCIUS!"

The man in question didn't rise from the carpet beside his Lords chair. He just continued to trace the pattern in the rug.

"I'm right here my Lord."

"Where is my FUCKING nose, Lucius?"

Now the elder Malfoy looked at his master.

"My Lord? I..."

Voldemort held up his hand to stop all protests.

"You heard me, both of you! Tell your elves to stop shaking the house and find my nose!"

Lucius came closer, looking at his master's face from all sides.

"Fuuuuck! My Lord, Potter must have taken it!"

"Hmmm...Potter you say?"

Lucius shrugged. "Yes, my Lord, he's usually at fault. He always fouls up your perfect plans!"

"What a dick!"


Around the same time, Hogwarts Great Hall:

Albus Dumbledore was in a particularly good mood today. From his thro...ehh...chair, he could overlook the entirety of the great hall and all the students in it. They had great food in front of them, ohh… and he had just received his latest batch of lemon drops today. He had been careful this time and only eaten 4 before Lunch. He'd even convinced McGonagall to take one.

It started slowly, with a twitch in his face. The corner of his mouth started to move up and down. Strangely, McGonagall had similar problems, her stern eyebrows wiggling up and down.

Then the music started. Harry had bewitched a wizarding wireless to play muggle stations as well and had tuned it to an underground station that played primarily electronic music. Now he wandlessly turned up the volume of the radio hidden in the hall. Slowly the hard beats started to fill the room, echoing from the walls.

Dumbledore noticed the twitching of his face getting worse, but considering how his robes felt on his body, that wasn't to bad. He stood, the beats being too much. He needed to dance.

His body was jerked around, like he was under the imperius curse. His mind was pure pleasure. His soul felt only extacy.


Harry and the rest of the assembled students watched the proceedings at the head table. They saw their Headmaster get up and jerkily dance to the music that had come from nowhere. A couple of seconds later, his deputy got up as well and joined in.

Their faces were contorting in a most hilarious fashion, especially their mouths were in constant motion. It was only after Dumbledore had started taking off his robes, that the first students left the great hall. The rest left soon after, when he screamed loudly at McGonagall to transform, as he desperately needed 'to pet a pussy'.

McGonagall however was all over Hagrid's beard and fur coat. She rubbed her entire body over him after she had started taking off her clothes too. The embarrassed half giant not knowing how to react, tried to ignore her for the time being. It soon got to be too much for him however and in his panic knocked the elderly professor unconscious.


Back at Malfoy Manor, ehh... Voldy's evil lair:

"LUCIUS!"

Malfoy senior looked up from the floor, where he had been for the past hour, thinking he was an ottoman.

"Yes, my Lord…" He blinked, but his eyelids had their own individual idea of how fast they wanted to move.

"Lucius, I want a drink. Something fruity, with those little umbrellas in em!"

The man in question quickly hurried up the stairs. In the kitchen, all of the house elves looked at their master in shock. They watched as he grabbed a banana and stuffed it into a glass. Proceeding to pour vodka and gin over it, his hand hit his forehead.

"I have no umbrellas, fuck master will be displeased."

This moved something in the elves and they suddenly had a bit of pity with the bastard that had fucked them over from birth. One of them snapped his fingers and a tiny umbrella appeared in the glass.

Overjoyed, Lucius brought the 'masterpiece' to his Lord.

Voldemort was pleased.

"Very good Lucius, especially the umbrella was important."

Holding eye contact with Malfoy, Voldy tried to nab the banana with his mouth. His tongue fluttering at the tip. Lucius made a mental note to punish the elves for turning up the heat in the room.

Meanwhile Voldemort had managed to catch the banana with his lips. Lucius groaned.

"My Lord!"


Back in the Hogwarts Great Hall:

Dinner had to be served in the common rooms. Their teachers, along with McGonagall, had cited technical difficulties for this occurrence. Harry and Hermione knew that Dumbledore was still in the great hall dancing to the music, that had long since stopped.

"How many of these god darn things has he eaten?"

Hermione was looking at the enchanted parchment that overlooked the house tables and showed the head table dead center. Dumbledore was naked, on the table and rubbing his own beard over himself. All while hopping and bopping to the non existent music, as the rest of the teachers had managed to find the wireless hours ago.

Harry slowly released the smoke he had held in and passed the bong to Luna.

"I… don't know...but at least three… I thought he would be less glutenous."

Luna just had taken a massive hit and now asked with a restraint voice.

"What's for dinner?"


It was a bit later that night, that the pigeons returned from Malfoy Manor. Harry, Hermione, Luna and Neville stopped by the kitchens to grab some snacks and then made their way down to the dungeons.

Once they had gotten settled in Severus' office, he started the memories they had gotten from the birds. The memory cube throwing the image at the far wall. Luckily they had used three and had gotten a good deal of angles to view the action from.

They were laughing like mad men, when Voldy noticed his missing nose, the ensuing search had them in tears. The order for a fruity drink, made them curious what Lucius would come up with. The banana killed it, they were once again hollering.

Then Lucius and Voldemort left the room. The pigeons followed them to the best of their abilities. They were entering the master bedroom…


Right in front of the dungeon office, the young Slytherin prefect patrolling there jumped, as multiple voices simultaneously screamed from within.

"Fuuuuck!"

"No way!"

"What the…!?"

"Oh… my… fucking… GOD!"

Which was followed up with hearty laughter.

Deciding to ignore his duties tonight, the prefect went right to bed


The next morning, Great Hall:

Albus Dumbledore cracked open his eyes. His mouth was dry, as were his eyes and he was hurting all over. Somewhat unfocused he could make out the Great Hall. Feeling around, he felt the table under him.

With his last bit of strength, he pushed himself into a sitting position. His cloak slid off him, revealing his state of undress. He tried calling for Fawkes, but the phoenix refused to answer. Judging from the light, it was still early. He put on his cloak and tried to sneak upstairs to his office.


The next morning, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite:

Harry woke to a pulling sensation in his lower body. He opened his eyes and came face to face with Luna.

"Good morning my Lord, I'm just warming you up for some early morning exercise."

He turned his head a bit and saw Hermione watching them, while Daphne seemed to be occupied with herself. Grabbing Luna's hair, Hermione pushed her head down and the pulling sensation gained a new dimension. The brown haired witches eyes never left Harry's, while she was biting her lip. Her hand still entangled in Luna's blonde locks.

"Do them Harry, I want to watch." Luna was gagging and choking, but Hermione just applied more pressure. "Waste them Harry, do them hard."

Pulling the blondes head back, Luna gasped for air. Her half lidded eyes rested lovingly on Hermione's. The brunette bend down and caught Luna's slightly outstretched tongue with her own. It was a long hard kiss, before Hermione pushed Luna down again.

Sitting back, Hermione enjoyed the show and kneaded Daphne's breasts.

Harry's mind held a single thought, before it was too preoccupied with pleasure.

"Fuck, I like being the Lord!"


The next morning, Malfoy Manor, Master suite:

Lord Voldemort woke in unfamiliar surroundings. He was a bit bleary eyed and he felt constipated. Very much like he had eaten something that refused to fully pass. Trying to turn, he felt an arm around him.

Had he felt amourous inclinations last night? It wouldn't have been the first time, but he usually held no interest in fornication. Lifting the arm, he turned and was happy that the feeling of constipation quickly passed.

Until he came face to face with Lucius Malfoy, a very much naked Lucius at that.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The scream of the darkest of lords, was heard all throughout the manor and the quite extensive grounds, it was joined only moments later by one from his now 'closest' follower.

This was soon followed up by a serious series of obliviation spells, as well as the most extensive bath a dark lord had ever taken.


A little bit later, Gryffindor tower, head boy suite:

Harry stood at the window overlooking the lake. Behind him, Daphne and Luna were resting a bit. Beside him Hermione sat on a chair.

Having had the best morning in a long time, Harry just watched the ducks on the pond, while munching on a brownie. He was completely relaxed, when one of his random as fuck thoughts reentered his mind unbidden.

Quickly turning to Hermione, he gently slapped her in the face by accident. Looking at him with some amusement in her eyes, she couldn't help a quip.

"Harry! We've talked about this before, I don't mind your junk in my face, I just want to be asked first."

Holding up his hands in a mock calming fashion, Harry grinned at her.

"Sorry, I just thought of something I wanted to ask you."

She nodded for him to go on.

"Are there any potions to make you bigger?"

Hermione's eyes dropped down and continued even lower, until they came to rest just above his knee.

"Harry, I… I do think that your big enough."

Following her gaze, Harry had to laugh.

"No, I meant taller. Are there potions that make you taller?"

Breathing a quiet sigh of relief and hearing a similar sound from the girls on the bed, Hermione quickly nodded.

"Sure there are, let's go to the library!"


The Library:

Ron had been looking for Hermione, for probably the better part of two days now. He desperately needed help with his transfiguration essay, especially since he should have turned it in yesterday. Hoping against hope, he checked the library again.

He found her sitting at a table in a somewhat remote corner of the library. A table she shared with Daphne Greengrass and Luna Lovegood of all people. All three of the girls looked incredibly relaxed. They had scooted to the front of the chair, their legs spread a bit.

"Hermione?"

She looked at him, eyes a bit unfocused.

"Yeah…?"

"I need some help Hermione, I need to do my transfiguration essay."

"Trans...okay, what do… uhhh… you need?"

"I… are you okay? Oh and have you seen Harry anywhere?"

"Me!?...yeah I'm fine...just peachy...Harry?... uhhhhhhh...he's busy, y'know, sooooh busy!"

"Incredibly busy…." Luna echoed.

"Sooohhhh! Busy!" Daphne joined the chorus.

Ron looked at Greengrass, her eyes were crossed and her tongue hung from her mouth. Her breath came in small huffs, still she was smiling.

"You okay, Greengrass, you look a bit feverish."

"I'm...fineaah!"

Her entire body tensed up and then relaxed, she started shaking a bit.

"Anyway, about my essay?"

Hermione's eyes fluttered closed as she answered.

"Mhhh?...Oh yeah… what about it? Wasn't that duhhhhh... today?"

To her right, Luna tensed as well. Eyes crossed, a bit of drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth.

"Uuuuuuuuuuhh!"

Suddenly, her body lost all tension and she fell back in her chair. Luna's eyes had rolled back and she was sporting a goofy grin.

'What the fuck is wrong with them? Maybe it's contagious.'

"Well, never mind Hermione, I'll manage on my own I guess. Bye."

With this Ron hurriedly left the library, while Hermione's eyes crossed as well.

"Bye...Ungh!Oh my god!Please!"

Getting out from under the table, Harry pulled off the invisibility cloak. He looked at the hat-trick he had achieved, before taking the book from Hermione and looking at the potion she had been reading up on.

"This sounds perfect."

Grinning, Hermione pulled Harry into a passionate kiss.

"This'll make you big."


The next few weeks it was quiet around a certain dark lord. His followers began to worry. He would often stay in his room, in which ever house he decided to stay in. He would take long showers and baths. Sometime he said things that didn't make sense to them.

One particularly bad night, he ordered Narcissa into his room. The Malfoy heiress was confused at first, when he told her to undress. It was even more confusing to her, because two minutes after her bodice had hit the floor, he ordered her to dress and leave.

Sitting alone in the room, Voldemort murmured to himself.

"No, it can't be, I don't…I've never..."

He felt the urgent need to take a shower again.


Once he felt the water running over him, he felt cleaner already. All these ...unclean… thoughts that had entered his mind after that night in Malfoy Manor.

His hands strayed in the direction of the orifice that had been violated that night. He thought of Lucius and how he had seen him that morning in bed. Heat crept into his body.

It couldn't be…


Harry looked down at the ritualistic circle Hermione had drawn on the ground.

"Hermione, this doesn't look like in the book at all."

The giant pentagram in the circle made him sweat for some reason. The girl in question had the decency to blush.

"Yeah, we changed the ritual. Ehmm, we found a better one."

She nodded in the direction of Luna and Daphne. Harry was a bit confused.

"All I wanted was to be a bit taller." Harry murmured, as Neville, Susan and Padma Patil entered the small chamber they were using.

"It'll do that too, it's just it will do so much more as well. Look…"

Hermione opened the book she had been holding. "This is a really old ritual, like the founders times really, when lords still...well lorded over their subjects. Back then there was a thing called 'Ius primae noctis'. It basically says that a lord has the right to the first night of his subjects. Or in other words…"

"He gets their virginity." Luna deadpanned.

"Right! So this ritual increases the Lord's health, strength and magic, with every girl that sacrifices her virginity to him."

"Okay, I guess, but what are Neville and Padma doing here?"

"Neville will be our master of ceremonies for this and Padma, well Padma…"

Once again Hermione got stuck and Luna finished for her.

"She was recruited, because we need five initial sacrifices."

"Yeah, but once we complete the initial ritual, it's a permanent thing. Each girl that gifts you her first time from then on will be accompanied by an increase in health, strength and magic."

Harry considered this for a moment, then leaned in close to Neville.

"Hey Nev, your okay with that? I know you have a thing for Susan."

The other boy clapped him on the back. "Harry your our lord, primae noctis and all that. Plus I don't think that you would mind if Luna would take me for a spin."

Harry thought about this and nodded.

"Okay, so how do we do this?"

Usually so sure of herself, Hermione started to stutter a bit, so Luna decided to cut right in again.

"Simple Harry, you'll have to take our virginity, one after the other. You'll start with Hermione at the top of the pentagram and then continue in a clockwise fashion. Each of us has taken a contraceptive potion, as the ritual needs you to leave your semen in us."

Nodding, Harry noticed that Padma was extremely nervous and continually smoothing down the edge of her skirt. He went over to her and held out a brownie.

"You know that you don't have to do this, don't you?"

Padma nodded, a bit hesitant she started chewing on the pastry. She swallowed her first bite and answered.

"I know my lord, but I want you to take my v-virginty. I also want to be your follower and if this helps you, I'll be honored to have been chosen. I-I'm just a bit nervous that it'll hurt and that so many people will be watching us."

Hermione, who had walked up to them, placed a calming hand on Padma's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Harry will be gentle. Also, after we are done, I and the other girls can leave the room. Only Neville will be required to stay and bear witness to the proceedings. That doesn't mean he will be staring at you, however."

She smiled at the caramel skinned beauty before her, knowing that by the time it was her turn, she'd be so high she wouldn't care anymore.


Three hours later, Harry looked at the satisfied girls surrounding him. Neville, just having spoken the closing words of the ritual, came over to him and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Damn Harry, you're like a machine."

Said machine didn't even look tired or strained (or milked dry like he should). In fact he even stood a couple of inches taller and had lost the glasses.

"Not at all hard if you get energy, rather than spend it. I also feel completely charged, like I could give Merlin a run for his money."

He lifted his hand and obliterated a small table with the merest of thoughts. Trying again he wandlessly conjured an armchair.

"Class is going to be fun from now on."

From the ground, five sets of eyes were watching him hungrily. He grinned broadly.

"Who's up for round two?"


Lucius Malfoy carefully entered the chambers of his lord.

"My Lord?"

He closed the door silently and turned, only to be surprised by Voldemort's sudden appearance. Lucius couldn't even give a startled scream, as the Dark Lord caught his lips with his own.

It was a heated kiss, full of passion and longing. Lucius at first tried to fight it, it wasn't proper for them to be doing this, but finally he melted into the arms of his lord and seducer.

Voldemort quickly ended the kiss and spun away from his closest follower.

"MY Lord!?"

Suddenly, Lucius was met with the glowing tip of a wand.

"Obliviate!"

Voldemort was rapidly shaking his head, his eyes locked on the bruised lips of Lucius. He quickly made his way to the bathroom. He needed to clean himself. Fast.


Roughly at the same time, a hundred owls over diagon alley dropped their payload. It was a picture, blown to the size of a small poster. It was wizarding in origin and depicted a small scene. In this way, everybody in the wizarding shopping district got to see Lord Voldemort being sodomized by Lucius Malfoy.

Amelia Bones, who had been enjoying a coffee break that particular afternoon, dropped her monocle right into her cup. Augusta Longbottom fainted in the middle of the street. Severus Snape, who had run an errand, shocked everyone standing by with loud laughter.

Ollivander thought that Lucius had finally learned how to use a wand. The Goblins made the image their official christmas card for that year. The bank had to close for the day because every goblin was too busy laughing to conduct business.

Dumbledore would later mourn that Tom had turned to the dark side, oh the magic he could have taught the boy.


In a castle in Scotland a teenage boy was having a very merry evening, without wasting a thought to the chaos his plan had caused in the wizarding world. Actually it was even more than merry, since the girls had had the forethought to recruit even more girls for Harry's following.

He now counted Padma's twin Pavarti, Lavender Brown, Tracey Davis, Mandy Brocklehurst, Lisa Turpin, Hannah Abott, as well as Megan Jones and Isobel McDougal to his followers. According to them, a couple of the boys had joined him as well, but they hadn't been invited to this special party.