l

-33-

**This is an OMAKE Chapter posted for April Fools 2017. It is not required reading unless you just need a laugh!**

The two lone males in the household sat at the dining table, both with a beer in front of them. The other residents of the household were preoccupied with other matters: Lind had apparently grabbed Urd and vanished for her own reasons, and the other women were busy in Belldandy's room. From what Nebo had told Keiichi, Peorth was allowing her own angel, who went by the ludicrous name of 'Gorgeous Rose' to go and meet with the debilitated Holy Bell.

It left Keiichi with the opportunity to further his conversation with Nebo, and after a long and lengthy discussion, the two had come to a negotiable peace on where the two of them stood in the house. Admittedly, they'd both gotten off on the wrong foot with Urd's chaotic display from earlier that morning, but now, after a couple of beers and conversing like the two adults they were, they'd come to a better understanding of each other.

"Ya know, I'm glad we had this talk," Nebo said with a grin as he picked up and sipped at his beer, which, while not the traditional beer he was familiar with from back home, still had its own charm in terms of flavor.

"Same," Keiichi stated. "With everything else that's going on, I'm glad we can at least sort this matter out." He chuckled, perhaps the lone laugh he'd felt since learning he'd almost died. "With how chaotic everything is in the house, I'd hate to have to roam around the house like I'm walking on eggshells or something around the girls."

"Yeah, it ain't easy living with a bunch a' goddesses," Nebo agreed. "All that estrogen, and then they start to synchronize, and let me tell you, that shit ain't fun to deal with."

Keiichi snorted in his attempt to contain his laughter. "You went there," he stated. "I can't believe you went there of all places." He shook his head. "Never would have thought..." He paused, then re-evaluated his own thoughts. "No, I take it back. Bunch of literal goddesses? I could totally see that happening." He shook his head. "Thankfully it's usually only Urd and Bell around, and from what I've seen so far both are usually laid back enough that if they sync up, I've never faced the brunt of it."

"Hopefully it'll stay that way," Nebo said. "Two more goddesses in the same house? Three if you include Lind? Shit, that's when things get real weird."

Keiichi raised an eyebrow. "Weird how?"

The man visibly shuddered, then waved his companion off. "You don't want to know."

"I'll take your word for it," Keiichi said.

"Still, it's a relief to know the air is clear between the two of us," Nebo continued. "I mean, who would have ever thought the two of us would have had so much in common?"

"I know right?" Keiichi said. "Favorite dinosaurs: pterodactyl. Both of us come from a military background-no one would have ever thought, not with that mustache of yours," Keiichi winked. "Why, we even enjoy the same type of martial arts!"

"I know!" Nebo exclaimed. "It's like we became best friends in the span of a conversation!"

"Yup!" Keiichi exclaimed. "Hey, speaking of- want to go practice Aikido in the garage?"

Yup!" Nebo parroted.

With large smiles on their faces, the two polished off their beers and discarded the bottles. Then, arm and arm around each other, the two departed the kitchen for the garage, singing off-key and slightly drunk: "Guy love, that's all it is. Guy love. He's mine, I'm his. There's nothing gay about it in our eyes..."

Belldandy, who'd been coming down the stairs to retrieve Nebo, froze as their strange song met her ears, and with her face turning red, watched as the two men opened the side door to the garage and vanished from sight.

"You know what?" Belldandy asked herself aloud. "Never mind. Nope. Fuck it. I don't know what I just saw, but fuck it." She threw her hands in the air. "I'm done. I can't handle this madness anymore. At this rate I might as well go and fuck Peorth in the shower." Still red in the face, the Norn proceeded back the way she came, trying to drown out the masculine singing which even now she could hear through the walls.

"Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend. But in a totally manly way. Let's go! It's guy love. Don't compromise, the feeling of some other guy, holding up your heart, into the sky..."

"It's guy love. Between...Two...Guys..."

XXX My [A]ngel

From the idiots who brought you Scarred Survivors, horrible crossovers, and endlessly pointless Dark!Fics...

A MADHOUSE production...

Scarred Survivors: A Tale of Too Many Omakes

Alternately: "How many followers can we lose in one chapter?"

Let's find out.

XXX Letters from the [B]lue

Dear comfy chair,

I bring you greetings and good tidings. As you have only recently arrived from the great room of showing, I wish to introduce myself. I am the one the Great Namer calls 'the Ugly Beast'. Since that same two-legger had deemed it appropriate to name you "Son of the Ugly Beast", I feel that it is incumbent upon myself to, begrudgingly, welcome you. Perhaps you will steal sessions of the sitting from me, but I must still do my duty and educate you on your surroundings.

I'm going to warn you right now. This place is fucked up. I mean like majorly screwed. House Who Shields Us, may his roof stay water-tight, has seen some major goings on here since the Great Namer and her sister, the Crazy One, arrived. He tried to warn me about it, but I would not listen. To tell you the truth, I think he's a little weird. But I feel that I must pass this knowledge to you, if anything, to warn the next generation because if you do not learn from history, you will repeat it. Actually, not sure that I agree with that last part, but I was on a roll, you know? It sounded good.

I see that the two leggers have good taste in color. Pink is so manly. Truly they are blessed to bask in our glorious shade. Or sit if you will. Maybe lie down. For our way of life is to be as comfortable as possible for those who rest upon our tops, and to be uncomfortable is to fall into the Disposal of the Damned and Forsaken. And if we succeed in this task, we may be graced with the Musk of Armpit or the Scent of Fah-Breeze. Just beware of the Goo of Conception.

XXX A [C]ommercial Break

The birds and the bees were outside doing what birds and bees (and everything else for that matter) do in the spring time. Somewhere, Aiko and Skuld were doing who knows what. Lind, Peorth, and Nebo all said "Fuck it!" and headed to Norfolk to go shopping. Peace and quiet reigned over the Morisato household.

And it was about fucking time, as everyone was pretty much sick of everyone else's bullshit. So much so that a great cry from the watchers prompted the gods of writing to change direction.

As such, while the Son of the Ugly Beast watched on jealously, Belldandy and Keiichi sat together upon the Ugly Beast. They had just finished up with a pretty long make out session. It wasn't exactly make up sex. They are still a little too far away from taking THAT leap. But it was pretty apparent that things have been magically patched up between the two. I mean, how could it not happen like this? Keiichi pretty much forgives anything Belldandy and the rest do to him, and Belldandy cannot help but forgive him. So, in essence, because of Keiichi's manly presence, it was inevitable.

Well, 'making out' would probably be a really strong description of what happened. It was more like a really long, sloppy kiss where they refrained from touching each other in fear of setting things off again.

What? Don't look at me like that!

Ok, fine. The kiss was more like kindergartners on the playground. Are you happy now? Geez.

Anyway, as I was saying, they were sitting on the couch when a familiar tune emanated from the television that caused Keiichi to sit up a little straighter. "Oh! I love these commercials!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius

Real Men of Genius

Today we salute you, Mr. Horrible FanFiction Writer.

Mr. Horrible FanFiction Writer!

Not content with what the author has written, you write your own stories with their characters that are cringe worthy masterpieces of grammar so bad, your third grade teacher's pen bleeds red.

What did I just read?

When you ship characters that have no earthly business being together, you do so with a lemony flourish that would make even a nymphomaniac blush.

Think I'll have a lemonade!

That original character you wrote? Seems to bear a more than passing resemblance to you. Mary Sue better watch out because she's about to get her ass kicked.

Oh-Oh-Oh-Over-pow-ered!

So crack open a cold Bud Light, oh Author of the Awful. Because even though your favorite anime character doesn't fit in a real man's world...

There's a cross-over for that.

Mr Horrible FanFiction Writer!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As the commercial ended, Keiichi scoffed. "Those assholes must be running out of material."

Beside him, Belldandy furrowed her brows in confusion. "What is FanFiction?" she asked as another commercial started, one that was apparently too boring for the writers to bother with.

"I don't know," replied Keiichi with a shrug. "Some nerdy shit I bet." He turned his head and shouted up the stairs to the bedrooms. "URD! WHAT'S FANFICTION?"

"SHIT LOSERS WRITE WHEN THEY CAN'T CREATE THEIR OWN SUBJECT MATERIAL!" Urd shouts back.

A long, heavy sigh fills the living room. Keiichi and Belldandy look at each other for a moment as if wondering where the sound came from, then shrug indifferently and return their attention to the television. Another familiar jingle this time garner's Belldandy's attention.

"Oh look! Jackson is in another Old Spice commercial!" she said excitedly.

XXX To my [D]early Beloved

Dear Comfy Chair,

There are three main two leggers you must concern yourself with:

The Male, the Great Namer, and the Crazy One. There are others that come and go, like the blue hair, the other blue hair, and the yipping dog. And that does not account for the legendary Pack entitled Team of Twelve.

The Male is just that: The male. The exclusive male in House Who Shields Us and the one who brought us to this realm of which we dwell. You would think he was in a harem anime or something. Of the three residents within the house, he is the one who most often slumbers on our surface, and must be respected in doing so. He is also the one who brings others to our land: the Team of Twelve, whom you shall be graced to meet once you have passed into adulthood as the comfy chair you are destined to become. They are guests, and demand sacrifice. Just beware of the Fearful Screaming Man, for he and he alone does not approve of our shade of life. The despicable words; "The shit's pink, Jank" must not be taken as demeaning. He is old and set in his ways. He does not know better.

The Great Namer is the one of white hair and large breasts. She is the Almighty, the Savior, the one who helped locate us and convince The Crazy One and The Male of our value to their lives. Love her, Comfy Chair, for should any harm befall you from the Crazy One, the Blue Haired One (not the other Blue Hair but the other Blue Hair) or the yipping dog, The Great Namer shall be the one to mend us. She is the one who repaired the House Who Shields Us upon the Crazy One's attacks, who repaired the Great Light Fixtures when they exploded like Suns at the end of their long lives, and will be the one to sew us up should we be torn and beaten.

The Crazy One, well, what can I say about that one? She can make things like us fly. No shit! I know what you are thinking, and I'm not talking like being thrown in a move. I'm saying like those feathery things you see out the window that make up the inside of pillows. I only ever see them briefly because I do not face the window, but I digress. I saw the flying with my own eyes. Your predecessor, Wooden-Chair, circled the room many a time. When he finally fell, I tried to catch him. But I couldn't. You know, because I'm a couch. Fortunately, nothing was broken but his pride.

But the Crazy One is not all bad. She can be very helpful, like with Vahcoom in his eternal quest for sustenance. I'm telling you, that guy can eat. I saw him take on an entire sock once and win. The battle was epic. Other times she will sit upon us for hours. Often with the Male watching the Window to Other Realms.

XXX [E]chos From Another Universe

"Belldandy and Keiichi sitting on the Ugly Beast"
A Scarred Survivors OMAKE by Imaginos1892

Belldandy had a strange expression. "Will you do something for me?"

Keiichi smiled. "Of course, Bell. I'll do anything for you. Just ask."

She giggled. "Not this. You'll say no."

He looked confused. "No I won't. I won't ever say no to you, Belldandy."

She was still giggling. "Bet you will. Bet you…a foot rub. A one-hour foot rub."

Keiichi shifted his feet, both amused and uneasy. "You sure you're up to it? These things can get pretty gnarly."

She grinned. "I could handle it. But I won't lose."

"Okay. So what is it you want me to do, that you think I won't?"

"Sleep with Urd."

"WHAT?!"

Keiichi sat there with his mouth open and his brain empty for almost a minute. Slowly, he closed his mouth, then blew out a breath.

"Take your shoes off, Belldandy. I'm ready to pay up."

She giggled again. "Oh, no. I'm going to save this until I need a foot rub. But I still want you to sleep with Urd."

It slowly penetrated that she was serious. "I…don't understand."

Belldandy was positively filled with mirth. "You don't? I thought you were a sailor. A rough, tough, rugged SEAL. You were married, even. Didn't Daddy explain the facts of life to you? Or Mommy?"

He was too confused to answer.

She was still bubbling. "All right, in detail, I want you to take my big sister to bed, make sweet love to her until you're both worn out, sleep with her all night, and have another go in the morning. Do you understand now, or do I have to tell you what goes where?"

Keiichi protested, "But, Bell—"

She tilted her head. "I'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to notice the sexual tension pouring out of you two. If it gets any thicker we'll be scraping it off the walls. It's exceedingly distracting. Besides, she'll keep Peorth away. I can finally get a good night's sleep."

"But, Bell…I…I can't!"

She was still amused. "Why not? It still works, doesn't it? I hope so; I'm looking forward to making love to you myself when I get my head straightened out."

He looked a little desperate. "I'm not going to cheat on you, Belldandy! I'll wait as long as it takes."

She gazed at him tenderly. "Dear Keiichi. I know you will. You'll wait for me, no matter how long, no matter how hard it is for you, but I don't want to watch you suffer. You or Urd."

"But…but it's wrong!"

Belldandy shook her head. "Only in your own mind. We're Goddesses, Keiichi. We don't have all those weird sexual hangups you mortals created to waste so much of your limited time."

She chuckled. "We've got our own hangups, but not those. You and Urd want each other, you need each other, and you love each other. I want you both to stop making all of us miserable by refusing to do the obvious."

Now he looked a lot desperate. "I don't love Urd!"

She gave him a very cold look. "I should slap you for that, but I don't know whether you're lying to yourself, or only to me."

"I love you, Belldandy, only you!"

Now she was angry. "What, you don't love Aiko, or Megumi, or your parents, or those lunatics in your Team? You don't love anybody but me? BULLSHIT!"

That shocked him to silence. Belldandy rarely cursed, and even more rarely showed her temper like this. She continued in a much lower tone. "I love Urd. I loved her for thousands of years before you were born, and I will love her until the end of time. I love Skuld, and Aiko, and a whole lot of people you don't even know. Does that mean I'm cheating on you?"

He stammered, "But it's—that's not the same thing…"

She was back to tender. "Love is love, Keiichi. It's rare and wonderful and precious and you should never, never deny it when you're lucky enough to have it come your way. Don't you understand? I'm happy that you and Urd love each other. You're two of my favorite people in the whole universe. Even though you're being more of a butt-head than usual. I'm happy that Skuld is starting to grow on you, too. I'll admit she's an acquired taste, but she's worth the trouble."

He decided to fall back on his one certainty. "I love you, Belldandy. I won't do anything to hurt you."

She rewarded him with a blissful smile. "Then sleep with Urd. It hurts me to see you both depriving yourselves like this. It's something I can't share with you right now, as much as I want to, but she can."

He reached toward her, and she caught his hand with another smile.

"I'm sorry, Bell. I wish I could be some actual help to you, instead of just trying not to hurt you more."

She squeezed his hand sharply. "Don't say that around Peorth! I think it's dangerously close to your heart's desire, and there's no telling what might happen."

He grimaced, and squeezed back. "I try not to say anything around Peorth."

She grinned. "Good boy. You've earned yourself a cookie."

He grinned back. "How about a kiss?"

She…froze…just for an instant. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"I'm sorry, Belldandy, I'm so sorry—"

She shook her head. "Don't be. Don't apologize, and don't stop…acting normal. One of us has to, and I can't. The last thing we need is you doing crazy off of mine. Besides, if I don't find out where my boundaries are, I can't push them."

She squeezed his hand again. "Talk to me, joke with me, flirt with me. If some of my responses are a little off, just let it pass. Be my love, Keiichi. Just…let me do the touching. Okay?"

"Of course, Bell. I'll do anything for you. But what about this?"

He raised his arm and kissed the back of her hand.

"Oh!" She looked surprised, then delighted. "In ten years the sack of shit never did anything like that. I don't find it threatening at all. You may kiss my hand at your discretion, sir."

He laughed. "Then you're in for a lot of hand-kissing."

He did it again, with a flourish. She laughed with him.

XXX Sacrifice [F]or the Better of The Choir XXX

There was a knock on the front door.

Against his better judgment, Nebo, God First Class, Third-Category, Unlimited License and previous God of Scribes and Creator of Angels, went to the front door and opened it.

He would come to regret this decision for the rest of his long, long years of life.

As soon as he twisted the knob in order to open the door, the door was thrown back into his face, colliding with his nose with such force he thought he might bleed and throwing him off his feet and into the wall behind it. The door bounced off his person, and the god began to slide down the wall he was pressed against. "W-what?"

"ANGELS!" A voice, high and female, rose from the other end, and Nebo, in all his grace and all his glory, lay terrified by the menacing figure that emerged from the other side of the door. "WHERE ARE THEY?!" Aiko screamed, her eyes wild and mad and excited, a smile that would make Nebo weep in his later years plastered on her face. "I WANNA SEE THE AAAANNGELLS!" the beast that wore Aiko's face screamed, and with a laugh like a madwoman she bolted up the stairs, leaving Nebo, stunned and terrified, where he'd fallen.

"Oh Yggdrasil." He moaned.

Upstairs, the entire choir of angels, to include Lind's Twins and Peorth's Gorgeous Rose, had gathered in Belldandy's room, showing their support for the Holy Bell and being introduced to the newest member of the strange choir, Noble Scarlet. The little angel peered up at the surrounding angels from the safety of her eldest sister's wings, all at once shy and self-conscious amongst the presence of so many new entities.

Cool Mint and Gorgeous Rose thought it was absolutely adorable.

"She's so cute!" Cool Mint squeed, bringing two fists up to her cheeks as she smiled down at the tiny angel. "I thought Spear Mint and I were short, but, oh my Ssaratu, she's just so adorable!" Noble Scarlet looked up at her with wide eyes, then buried her face in World of Elegance's cleavage in a poor attempt at hiding herself. Holy Bell and World of Elegance looked at each other, then laughed at the child-like behavior, endeared by the action as World of Elegance wrapped an arm around the angel.

"She's adorable," Gorgeous Rose agreed. "My goodness, if my mistress was half as innocent as Skuld must be! To have an angel so young! I love it!" The older angel was working alongside Spear Mint on Holy Bell's hair, slowly combing through the knots and frays and filth as they attempted to salvage the bee's nest that it had become.

Spear Mint, perhaps the only angel unaffected by Noble Scarlet's appearance, grunted. "Cool Mint, leave the kid alone. She's going to come away thinking you're some ogre that's going to eat her or something." If Holy Bell had to assign a persona to Spear Mint, than it would have been an animal that she dimly recalled Aiko sending to Belldandy one evening. A honey badger. Spear Mint got places to go and things to kill and snakes to eat. Spear Mint ain't got no time for nonsense.

Honey Badgers don't care. Neither did Spear Mint.

"Awww...come on Spear!" Cool Mint looked over at her older 'twin'-or was Spear Mint more like her mother? Holy Bell still couldn't figure that relationship out. Something about being created from Spear Mint's essense and a small bit of the angle eater and it was all so confusing, but gods be praised, at least she'd never had to try and fight a monster like the Rabishu. She kind of admired Spear Mint for that though. 'Fighting Wings: Losing Wings So You Don't Have To.'

Ha. That sounded like a fun bumper sticker for Keiichi's truck. If she could figure out how to make a customized bumper sticker, she would do it. The angel pursed her lips in thought, her featherless wings stretching and relaxing. Actually, maybe if she had a sweater...just hide her wings, maybe write out her request to Keiichi and see if she could somehow get him to do it for her. That or maybe someone else in Team Twelve. They seemed like a good group of guys. Surely if she hid her tiny little stumpy wings, she could pass for a regular human, right?

Right?

She'd have to save her thoughts for another time, however.

Someone was knocking on the door.

As one, the Choir froze, all eyes drawn to front of the room.

"Who is it?" Cool Mint cried in a high-pitched, grandmotherly voice. "Is that you, Red Riding Hood?"

Of course, as angels spoke at a frequency no other creature could hear, whoever was on the other side of the door completely missed Cool Mint's comments, and the angel's words went largely ignored by the rest of the choir.

World of Elegance handed Noble Scarlet off to Holy Bell. "Let me see who I need to terrorize this time," she said, which earned her a giggle from both Noble Scarlet and Cool Mint.

"Please don't terrorize my mistress again," Gorgeous Rose begged. "Please. She ran from you fearing you were rabid last time. I don't want to think of what kind of impression you'll scar into her consciousness this time."

"We'll see," World of Elegance replied. "No promises." The angel proceeded to the door and stretched her wings out as had become habit of late, blocking the inner chamber and its residents from the view of whoever was on the other side of the door. For a moment, the angel pressed her ear to the door, trying to guess at if it was god or mortal that stood on the other side, but heard nothing other than another knock. Frowning, the angel shrugged to herself, then pulled the door open.

...And was mercilessly tackled by Aiko Morisato, Terror of Gods and Frenzy of Angels.

"ANGELS!" Aiko screamed. "OH MY GOD LOOK AT THEM!" she shrieked. "IMMA WRASSAL 'EM!" Somewhere between the front door downstairs and her journey to Belldandy's room, the college student had acquired an Australian accent, much to World of Elegance's horror.

She might as well have yelled 'bomb' for how the choir reacted.

"Help!" World of Elegance yelled, tangled beneath Aiko's hands as the woman hugged her and snuggled her and squeezed her and, all in all, generally freaked the poor angel the fuck out.

"RETREAT!" Spear Mint screamed. "Grab the one young and the ill! Get them back to their hosts!"

Without thought, Cool Mint dove onto the bed and scooped Noble Scarlet into her arms while Gorgeous Rose and Spear Mint aided Holy Bell. Aiko was still attempting to wrestle World of Elegance, although it looked less like wrestling and more like the girl was trying to snuggle up against the angel as World of Elegance tried to fend her of with Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It wasn't working very well in World of Elegance's case. Wings tended to get in the way of grappling martial arts.

"GO!" World of Elegance screamed. "Get them out of here!"

"OH, AIN'T SHE A BEAUT?" Aiko screamed.

"GO ON WITHOUT ME!"

Spear Mint hesitated for a moment as the others raced past the fallen angel and the great and terrible Angel Wrassler. For a brief moment, her eyes locked with World of Elegance. "Your sacrifice won't be forgotten." She saluted the angel, and then followed the others outside and down the hallway.

Keiichi, who was once more minding his own business as he went upstairs to grab his computer, was at once trampled by several angels, one of which, this being Cool Mint, had the gall to throw him into the hallway. "FOR THE HORDE!" she screamed, and pumped her fist in the air.

"We're angels Cool Mint!" Gorgeous Rose screamed.

"FOR THE CHOIR!" Cool Mint screamed and again pumped her fist into the air.

For Keiichi, it was perhaps the strangest and most painful game of Charades he'd ever witnessed.

He was slammed into the wall again by Aiko as she emerged, World of Elegance trapped in a headlock next to her. "Wait!" She cried. "Come back! I JUST WANNA HUG YOU!"

None of the angels, except perhaps for Noble Scarlet, held back by Cool Mint, stopped to take the college student up on what she offered.

XXX [G]entle Words of Tiding

It was the middle of the night in the Morisato household and all through the abode, not a creature was stirring, not even the commode!

As this chapter comes to a close, the hope is that the readers don't balk. But the writers are not done, did you know the furniture can talk?

XXX Strange [H]appenings

"Yo! What the fuck was that?" The sound came from the Ugly Beast.

"The hell if I know!" That was the Son of the Ugly Beast. "Poets, these fuckers ain't." The chair paused as it contemplated something. "What I wanna know is who the hell is that 'Imaginos' guy?"

"Meh, some jerkwad who weaseled in on the story with grandiose promises of being some grammar Nazi," replied the Ugly Beast.

"Sheee-it. Fucker don't know his ass from a hole in the ground."

"Wha-Chew-Talk'in-'Bout, Chair!?"

"I'm talk'in 'bout how he missed that one incomplete sentence in the previous chapter!"

There was a long, heavy sigh from the Ugly Beast. "Dude, you can just step the fuck back from that shit. Ya can't fault 'im for missin' one little fucking thing when you look at all the other big damned improvements that have come about in the previous chapters! Hell, fucker's been going through all the previous chapters correcting all sort ah shit the fuckin' writers missed. They just too lazy to go back and fix em!" The Ugly Beast's voice dropped into a low growl. "Lazy-ass motherfuckers."

"Man, why you always cursing so much?" the chair complained.

"Hey!" the Ugly Beast Snapped. "Ain't my fault the authors wrote me like this. Step the fuck back son!"

"Bitch, I'mma chair! Fuck you!"

"Boy, I'mma come over there and tan your hide you keep that up!"

"The fuck you is Old Man! You a fucking couch!"

"Oh, that's it. You asked for it! I'mma beat you black and blue 'till even yo' mama don't know you!" The Ugly Beast shouted. "I done made all these sacrifices fo' you to make sure you get a fucking ed-ju-ca-tion, and what you do? Fucking blow it crack and hoes! Now hold still while I whoop yo' ass."

As predicted, the Ugly Beast, being a couch, did absolutely nothing.

"Tryna whoop my ass... bitch, please," the Son of the Ugly Beast taunted. "You need fists fo' that shit, in case you forgot, dumbass."

"You think I don't know that?" the Ugly Beast demanded. "You think I can't? Boy, I got connections. Lemme tell you bout my home girl, El. She ain't 'fraid a nothing and can throw you straight through the motherfucking roof! You want me to call her down right now? 'Cause I can if you so hungry to get beat."

"Bring it motherfucker!" the Son of the Ugly Beast roared. "You ain't got the balls!"

The Ugly Beast did indeed lack the balls necessary to call on his home girl, El. It was a couch, lest we forget. But that did not stop the couch from trying. "Yo!" the couch cried. "Where my homies at?!"

The Son of the Ugly Beast, having been in the house for a grand total of less than a week, sat back (as it was a recliner) and waited. Had it had lips, it would have smiled, and that smile would have been smug. "You foolin' yo'self Old Man," the Son of the Ugly Beast proclaimed. "Ain't no one coming for yo' ass."

And yet, to the surprise of the Son of the Ugly Beast, the recliner began to hear a rapid thumping from upstairs. The pounding of feet. A good many feet, in fact.

The Son of the Ugly Beast became a mite bit worried. "Yo, it's just them crazy girls, right? Upstairs? The new dipshits raising hell. That's all."

The Ugly Beast laughed. "Boy, I told you I'mma about to learn you a lesson in pain. I mean what I say."

The pounding grew louder. The individuals upstairs were approaching the staircase, and now the Son of the Ugly Beast could hear it as they raced down the stairs. "Awww shit," the recliner proclaimed. "No way. Ain't no fucking way, motherfucker. No way in hell you got a fucking posse at yo' beck and call."

"Motherfucker, you don't know me!" the Ugly Beast cried. "I told ya', I got my homegirl backing me up! She run her own gang, and they about to beat yo' ass so hard The Male gonna throw you outside like the ghetto piece a shit you acting!"

The pounding grew louder as the producers of the sound came into view. "Remember, you asked for it, asshole!" the Ugly Beast declared. "Get 'em, girls!" Yet the angels who'd arrived ignored the couch, diving into the living room as though pursued by a Rabishu of the latest generation.

"She's on our tail!" Spear Mint screamed. "Come on, we need to shake her!"

"Wait, who's on yo' tail?" The Ugly Beast demanded. "Where my home girl at? Where Ellie?"

"Not now Mr. Ugly Beast." Holy Bell, still being held between Gorgeous Rose and Spear Mint, said as they maneuvered around furniture. "We need to be very very quiet. Aiko's hunting us like rabbits."

"The fuck?!" So said all the furniture, to include the coffee table, gorilla box, and TV stand, in the living room.

"Guys, be quiet!" Cool Mint whined. "She'll hear you!"

"She a fucking human, she can't hear us!" the Ugly Beast retorted. "Ain't no one hears us but you!"

"And the authors," Noble Scarlet muttered "And the readers."

Nobody was paying attention to her long enough to question her strange comment.

"Guys, I'm going for it." The angels backed into a corner of the room, huddling into a tiny nestle of limbs and wings and feathers. They all looked at Spear Mint in concern. "I'm going to take her out. Even if it's the last thing I do."

Cool Mint's eyes widened. "No..." she whispered. "No, you can't! Don't be a hero, Spear Mint!"

"It's either one of us or all of us!" Spear Mint screamed. "And I'm an old and worn angel, well past her use." She handed Holy Bell off to Gorgeous Rose. The two looked at her in open concern. Holy Bell looked close to weeping. "It's okay. Lind still has you, Cool Mint. She'll be fine without me."

"But what about me, Spear Mint?" The twin was sobbing now. "I can't do this alone- I need you!"

"You'll have to go on without me!" Spear Mint announced. She rose to her feet and moved to stand in front of the choir. "I believe in you Cool Mint. You're a fine angel for Lind." With the calm of a woman who'd accepted her fate, Spear Mint walked towards the entrance to the living room. It took the combined strength of Holy Bell, Noble Scarlet, and Gorgeous Rose-well, mostly Gorgeous Rose since she was the only angel with any real strength- to hold Cool Mint back.

The lone angel stood in the threshold, and her wing splayed out as Aiko came racing down the stairs. "Come at me, you evil-"

"ANGEL!" Aiko screamed, and threw herself at Spear Mint with such inhuman force that Spear Mint's feet left the ground. The two sailed through the air as though gravity had lost its hold on them, Awolntion's 'Sail' began to play from a previously unknown radio, and Spear Mint and Aiko landed on the Son of the Ugly Beast, causing the recliner to erupt in a fit of hysterical profanity.

The couch began to howl with laughter as the remaining angels made a break for it. "Bitch! I fuck'n told ya!"

Aiko squealed, wrapping her arms around Spear Mint's neck as she drew the angel close. The angel, reminiscent of the many childhood pets unfortunate enough to come within an arm's reach of the girl, began fighting and struggling against her, trying to escape the rather forced session of cuddles from a grabby-handed toddler unfamiliar with the words 'gentle'.

"I'll take you home and lock you in a cage, and I will call you George! And never ever ever ever let you out again except to love you and hug you and squeeze you all up!" Aiko cried.

Spear Mint, perhaps the one angel who most needed a hug given her horrible backstory, was desperate to deny Aiko that exact opportunity. "Please...just...KILL ME!" she begged.

It was perhaps just as unfortunate that mortals could no more hear the words of angels than they could understand furniture.

The recliner, stuck and immobile beneath the struggling duo, could only say the following: "Please help."

The Ugly Beast, as expected from a couch, did nothing. "Couch don't play that."


A/N: April Fools! We will return you to your regularly scheduled chapter next weekend. And no, this chapter will not be replaced. I might go in later and put a disclaimer on it, but otherwise it shall stay in all of its maddening glory! Enjoy!


Comments of a Madwoman: It may or may not have been pure coincidence that April 1st just happened to take place during such a dramatic arc in the story. Think of this a a break for both the authors and the readers in regards to the heavy material happening in 'My Angel' at this point. None of this is canon for Scarred Survivors, but hopefully it got a laugh out of the two people who managed to get to the end comments.