Lily was enjoying her night alone. It felt a bit selfish to think, but she still wasn't quite used to living with James. Before, living at home, she had had her own room and space to escape to but here it was all shared.
But there was no turning back now. Their wedding was in three days. Not that she wanted to turn back. Lily was glad things had ended up this way. She wouldn't have wanted to be alone through all this. It just took a little adapting.
Lily felt exceedingly relaxed as she took out everything she needed to make dinner. Or maybe she was just exceedingly tired. She had been sleeping the same amount as normal, but for some reason seemed to be in a constant state of exhaustion all the same. Not that this was so unusual. Lily had had insomnia when she was young so she was used to being tired.
Lily poured a little oil in the pan and dropped the chicken in. she had been wanting to make this particular dinner for about a week now. It had always been one of her favorites. Salad with spicy green beans and chicken.
It was one of the first things she knew how to make all herself when she was young and it just seemed comforting.
Tasted it too.
Lily finished the cooking rather fast, and ate the meal even faster. She had forgotten just how much she enjoyed it. And paired with a big cup of tea it was everything she could really think to want at the moment. The only thing that would make this moment better was a book.
Lily scanned the living room shelf and ended up pulling off A Wrinkle in Time. it was short enough she could probably read most of it tonight. She had read it for the first time when she was nine and it had just blown her mind a little. It still blew her mind, actually. The characters and the world the book had created that seemed so modern and far away all at once. It made Lily want to be a writer. Of course, her writing ability was rather challenged so the odds of this were low.
She sat in her chair, soaking in the story, for what must have been almost an hour when she began to feel a little nauseous.
The feeling passed quickly.
Nope. it was back again. Maybe that chicken had been bad. But Lily had always had a pretty strong stomach so feeling this queasy was extremely odd for her. She just sat there for a moment, waiting to see if it would pass again. It didn't.
Lily stood and did an odd little jog to the bathroom, making it just in time to throw up into the toilet. She tied her hair back and felt thoroughly repulsed. Last time she had really thrown up was when she had had the flu when she was fourteen.
Was it the chicken? What else even could it be?
Oh no.
Oh shit.
Please say it wasn't.
Could she be…
No. not possible. Well, entirely possible, actually.
Was she… pregnant?
This was so not the time. In the middle of a war? Really?
Hold on, hold on. She told herself you're thinking too fast. It could be something else entirely.
Question after question ran through her mind and as much as Lily just wanted to pretend to ignore the question pushing to the front, she couldn't.
Did she really have to go out right now?
She did.
It was a good thing there was a drug store only a minutes walk from the apartment because Lily didn't think she could take waiting another day or two or three to find out the truth.
The test rolled around inside the brown paper bag. Two tests, actually. If she was really going to do this she at least wanted to be sure.
The clock ticked down. Only twenty more seconds to go.
Had twenty seconds ever taken this long before?
Three…
Two…
One…
Relief and disappointment flooded Lily at once.
Not pregnant.
Then why had she been throwing up?
How could she be absolutely sure?
She had another test…
And the waiting period was twice as bad the second time.
What was she expecting? Did she even want to be pregnant? Because if there was a time to be pregnant it was most certainly not now. Definitely not now. With the war raging on around them and families being targeted every day… Marlene's family had died just over a week ago. It still felt raw and unreal.
Lily did not want her child growing up in that.
But hold the phone here- was she even pregnant in the first place?
In ten seconds she would find out.
No bloody shit.
The test read positive.
One negative test and one positive test. So there was about a fifty percent chance she was pregnant? Well, fucking hell, she had known that before.
Lily threw on her jacket and placed her wand back in her pocket and headed out again. She was getting another pregnancy test.
If the waiting had been bad on the first two it was nothing compared to the waiting on the third one.
Positive.
Just like the second.
So… she was?
Oh merlin.
No, no, no.
This was the most selfish thing she possibly could have done. Get pregnant in the middle of a war? Seriously? How irresponsible did you have to be?
And the answer was drunk at your friend's wedding. That's how irresponsible.
A million feelings were flooding Lily at once. She was happy that she was going to have a baby and start the family she had always wanted. She was happy it was with a man she loved, and believed would be a good father. She was happy that she was going to have a baby around to take care of. But that was just the thing. There was going to be a baby around. And she didn't have time to take care of it. Bloody hell, she didn't have time to be pregnant, either.
Nine months.
That was a long time.
A long time to worry about taking care of something growing inside you. And it wouldn't be much better once the baby got out either. She would have to quit her job. The thought saddened her. Lily liked her job. She liked working, and having relationships with her coworkers. It made her feel a little bit like she was a part of the muggle world again and not in the middle of a war.
The money wasn't the issue. She knew James's family had more than enough to support whatever kind of family they wanted in whatever kind of house they wanted. The apartment was just their right of passage.
And speaking of James- oh merlin. She was going to have to tell him.
When? When was too soon? When was too late? What if she told him too early on and- and… lost the baby. What then? He didn't need that weight on him. Neither did she, for that matter, but this was now her responsibility either way.
Suddenly what was supposed to be her relaxing evening was full of stress. She swiped the tests off the table and wrapped them in some dirty napkins, and shoved them in a cereal box before throwing them away.
She didn't want james to find out on his own. That would be a mess. No, she definitely wanted to be the one to tell him and she wanted him to be the first person who knew. Besides her, of course. because, ready or not, she was having a baby.
Or… she could not have the baby. That was always an option. She had never really liked the thought of abortion, but this was a war after all. How good would it be for a child to grow up in all of this?
But what if the war ended and Lily was left thinking about the child she didn't have. And what if it went on longer than expected and she had to hide her child away. She didn't know which was worse.
