Country Club Chaos
I'm alright
Nobody worry 'bout me
Why you got to gimme a fight?
Can't you just let it be?
Kenny Loggins – I'm Alright (Main theme from Caddyshack)
Author's Notes: Inspired by one of my favorite classic comedy films, Caddyshack and also references some of the events of Seasons 1 and 2 of Murder In The First.
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
It's was guys' night in The United Realms and most of them were gathered at what was considered the biggest hot spot in the realms, The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille, the bar owned by Rumple Strogoff. They were gathered in the main dining room and had pushed all the tables together to form one large one, but it wasn't just United Realms residents that gathered at the bar. Loki Laufeyson was a frequent visitor along with his brother Thor and now their counterparts from the alternate Asgard were stopping in to enjoy the food and drinks and converse with their counterparts and new friends.
"It's storytime boys!" Bae Strogoff announced, slamming his bottle of Michelob Ultra down on the table.
"Please, please please tell me you're finally gonna tell us about the Caddyshack thing! I've been bugging you for months!" his counterpart from the former Storybrooke Six pleaded.
"So have I!" added Bae Laufeyson.
"What Caddyshack thing?" asked Loki Odinson. The other men started laughing.
"How familiar are you with this part of Midgard's culture?" Loki Laufeyson inquired of his counterpart.
"I'm learning. Caddyshack is a movie, isn't it?"
"Oh yeah," his brother laughed and nudged his counterpart. "We watched it last week. You gotta watch it Loki or you're not gonna understand what Bae's talking about."
"How do you know about it?" Bae demanded. Thor scowled.
"Who am I engaged to again?"
"Yeah but Seph wasn't around for that."
"She heard about it!"
"So quit stalling and tell!" ordered Bae Weaver.
Rumple chuckled as he took his seat at the head of the table. "My son acts like he played the lead role in this little incident but at the end of the day the big winners were Archie and me, or Jiminy as the rest of you lot know him."
"We still played our part Papa."
"Oh verra well. I'll gie ye that one."
"Why don't you all tell it?" Loki Laufeyson suggested.
Rumple cleared his throat. "After our Miami and Vegas vacations a good number of us decided to make Juno Beach our home permanently but we'd come back to Storybrooke One for the winter. We were determined to fit in as much as possible so I had the idea that we should join the country club. A few of our friends proposed us for membership at Greenhaven."
"They didn't know it at the time, but Greenhaven has a rather dark history," David Molk spoke up. "In 1982 a girl named Linda Foxworth was found on the golf course raped and strangled. The killer was Peyton Daniels, son of Warren Daniels. You know who he is," he said to his former Storybrooke Six counterpart. That David Molk, now using the name Jasper Knight, snorted.
"Too well. He got the head of the corrupt cops union in the SFPD four freakin years when he should've gotten life. "Warren Daniels was a hotshot attorney in San Francisco who also got that tech giant Eric Blunt off on the murder of his girlfriend, but we got his ass on another murder. Daniels' wife was from a powerful political family that was called the 'Kennedys of Palm Beach.'"
"Holy hell!" Bobby Weaver exclaimed. "Are you telling me YOU were the ones who brought the McCallisters down?"
Edgar Navarro nodded. "And Warren Daniels. The Foxworth murder and another tied to it were our last cases with the cold squad at the Juno Beach PD."
"Had you known the club's history would you have asked to be members?" Archie Bordreaux wanted to know.
"Hell no!" Jiminy and Rumple exclaimed in unison.
"That club was the Bushwood of Juno Beach, so we decided to give it the Bushwood treatment," Bae said with a grin.
Juno Beach, Florida
Summer, 2016
Although the Strogoff Gold family and their closest friends spent the summer months in Florida, they mostly kept to themselves in the first two years but now that they knew this world was their permanent home, they also knew they would have to try to integrate into society. Rumple started making more contacts through his antique business as did Belle. Bae was already well known in the interior design world and Regina had her circle of gambling friends.
The party that would be travelling to Florida three years later was much larger because it now included Rumple's cousins DG, Azkadellia, Zelena their spouses and friends Ambrose and Tinkerbell, Bae and Emma's daughter Lilly, Cyrus and Alice and Will and Anna. The former genie and his wife were fascinated with the Golds' tales of life in what seemed like a tropical paradise and wanted to experience it themselves as did Anna and Will. Rumple offered to have Cyrus and Alice stay at Avonlea since there was more than enough room to accommodate them in the grand mansion. Regina invited Will and Anastasia to stay at Rocinante.
One of the first families on their street that made an effort to befriend them was the Sullivans. Allison and Gilbert Sullivan were part of the noveaux riche portion of society like the Golds while many others made their money the old-fashioned way: inheriting it. One night while Rumple and Belle were having dinner with them Allison suggested that the couple and their friends and family join the same country club they did, Greenhaven.
"Do they have golf?" Rumple asked. He'd played a primitive form of the sport since his days of living in the Dark Castle by hitting balls into holes he conjured all over the palace. When Belle went to live with him, it nearly drove her insane because she was constantly having to be on the lookout for balls or holes on the floor. He kept asking Regina to build a golf course in Storybrooke and she was still trying to make a place for it without Archie staging another protest at the town hall. Now that outsiders were coming to the town, all the magicians avoided using magic in their presence and the children of the town were well coached to keep their secret.
"Yes, also tennis courts, swimming pools, spas...you name it, we have it. You'll need to be sponsored by another member to get in but we'll be happy to do that and so can our other friends once we introduce you around. I have to warn you though...some of the members can be a bit...snobby." Allison said.
"The worst are Rupert and Phoebe Hallivand and Stewart Morrisey," Gilbert added. "They're what we call 'the old guard'. Inherited money and look down on those of us who actually work for it. Rupert and Morrisey own a huge portion of the club and are not above making someone they don't like miserable until they withdraw their membership, or they get kicked out."
"Oh I've dealt with some difficult beings in my life and a pack of spoiled heirs should be a walk in the park," Rumple said.
"Great. We can go tomorrow if you're not too busy."
"No, I can have Ken run the shop for me." His stepson Jon Darling ran his antique shop in Storybrooke while the former owner helped him run his shop in Florida. Later that night after they got home, Rumple discussed the idea of joining the country club with Bae.
"This place sounds like Bushwood," Bae spoke up.
"Where?" Rumple asked his son.
"Oh, just some place in a movie," Bae replied. His father wasn't a big movie watcher and when he did sit down to watch a movie, it was usually a childrens' one, an action movie or a mystery. He also begrudgingly watched chick flicks with Belle. Thankfully his friends and even his son shared his taste in comedies and could understand him when he referenced one. "I'll even join. It'll give us all a chance to spend some time together. I suck at golf, but they probably have other things to do."
The next day the Golds, Hoppers, Hoods and their friends and relatives set out to Greenhaven. Bae's suspicions about the club being a carbon copy of Bushwood from the movie Caddyshack seemed justified when he could see people staring at them with their noses so high in the air it could've snowed on them. He and his father had gotten used to that back in the Forest when they were poor, but it still made him angry. While he and his father were sitting in the office of one of the owners the Rupert Hallivand, Bae was having a difficult time not asking his father to go Dark One or Rumfather on the man. Hallivand insisted on standing up while he talked to them and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
"We are very selective about who we allow to join our club," Hallivand informed them. "And we don't really know all that much about your family except that you stay here three months out of the year."
"My son and I both have successful businesses here and in Maine." Rumple said calmly. "And...we haven't had much time to socialize in the last few years due to some...family issues."
Hallivand didn't seem all that interested in making an effort to be polite, something that stuck in Rumple's craw. His knuckles were gripping the handle of his cane so tightly that they were turning white. All he really wanted to do was swing it and teach this upstart a good lesson in just who he was dealing with and it sure as hell wasn't a simple antiquities dealer. Still, he couldn't let his temper get the best of him. The last thing he needed was to spend another night in a jail cell.
"Yes, well...since you seem to have the support of the Sullivans, I suppose we can propose your membership to the committee."
"Thank you," Rumple said politely. Pompous bastard, he thought as he shook the man's hand, tempted to crush it or just turn him into a snail and crush him under the heel of his shoe. He was trying very hard to keep his former Dark One impulses under control but he wouldn't stand for people insulting him, his family or his friends without being taught a lesson.
He was still fuming when he returned to the room he and Belle had been given at the clubhouse. She was unpacking their things while Hope and Nathan were taking their afternoon nap. Rumple conjured a soundproof dome over the bed where the children were sleeping and tossed his cane in the corner.
"I take it the meeting didn't go well," Belle said softly.
"I cannot stand it when people talk down to me!" he raged. "It makes feel like I'm still that crippled, cowardly spinner and I do not want to feel that way anymore!"
"Darling," Belle placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Don't let them make you feel that way," she advised. "The only people whose opinions should matter to you are those of your family and friends...and we love you."
"I know sweetheart but since this is the only world we have to live in now, I want to be accepted because these people know nothing about my past."
"Not at the cost of your own dignity darling," she said.
"Oh, it won't come to that dearie, but I am getting in that club whether that upstart likes it or not."
The senior members were furious when the Golds and their friends had been able to secure enough votes to gain membership into the club.
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
"…So you got in?" Bae Weaver asked. Bae Strogoff smirked and nodded.
"And that, boys, is when the fun started!"
Juno Beach, Florida
Summer, 2016
"Henry, do you want to play golf with me today?" Rumple asked his grandson.
"Sure. Don't I need a bag?"
"No, no. You can use my clubs."
"I wanna go too. See, I have my own stick!" Nathan cried, holding up a gold club and swinging it in front of Henry, who backed away before it hit him.
"Nathan, Nathan, careful with that!" Rumple scolded the toddler gently. "What did I say about swinging your clubs like ball bats?"
"Not supposed to do it," the child answered and lowered the club.
"That's right. And why did I say that?"
"Cause I could hit somebody an hurt 'em."
"Yes. All right, you can play golf with Daddy and Henry."
"Yay!"
"Rumple, are you sure? I can take him with us when Hope and I go to that estate sale," Belle suggested.
"Don't wanna shop. Wanna golf!" Nathan pouted.
"All right but you behave for Daddy."
"I'll be good Mommy." he promised.
"Let's get you dressed in your golf clothes, little imp," Rumple said, picking up his son and setting him down on the bed while he opened the closet and took out the golfing outfit he bought for the boy on a website called The Littlest Golfer which sold clothing and golf equipment for children. Belle had no interest in the game and neither did their daughter but Nathan had been asking to learn how to play after seeing his father putting golf balls into cups back in Storybrooke and it gave Rumple a chance to have some father-son time with his youngest. The outfit consisted of a white hat, khaki shorts and a t-shirt with a picture of a turtle standing in front of a hole with the words Daddy's My Caddie written on it. Once his son was dressed, Rumple picked him up with one arm, held his cane with the other and they left the room, Henry carrying his small uncle's little golf bag.
Adam drove to the front of the clubhouse in the golf cart with Rumple's bag loaded on the back.
"Hi Nathan!" he greeted.
"I gonna golf with Daddy today!" the little boy bragged.
"With him teaching you you'll whomp the butts off the other kids in the club in no time," Adam assured him. "Hop in guys!"
Archie drove up next to them in his own golf cart with Andy. "Oooh I like that shirt Nathan has on. Can I get one Daddy?" Andy asked.
"I'll get you one before we go back to Maine," Archie promised his son and the group drove out to the golf course. Unfortunately, Hallivand and Morrisey were already there when they arrived.
"Mr. Gold, Doctor Hopper, we don't allow anyone under the age of twelve on the golf course," Morrisey informed them as they approached.
"It's not in the rulebook, dearie," Rumple reminded him icily.
"Yes it is."
"Since when?" Archie demanded. "Just now?"
"Your youngest grandchildren cannot be on the golf course," Morrisey reiterated.
"These are our sons!" Rumple said through gritted teeth. "And since this so-called rule is not in writing, we'll have them here on the course if we want to!"
"Daddy, I wanna play golf." Nathan cried.
"You can be quiet," Hallivand barked at the toddler.
"Don't you ever talk to my son like that again!" Rumple threatened.
"Or you'll what?" Hallivand challenged.
Rumple flicked his wrist behind his back and sent an invisible energy blast at the other man, knocking him off his feet. "Oh, lose our footing, did we?" he asked and chuckled as did Henry, Adam, Archie and Andy and Nathan. Hallivand glared at him as he got back on his feet and dusted off his pants, unaware that he had two large grass stains on his backside courtesy of more of Rumple's magic.
"I don't know what you're up to Gold but come hell or high water you and your little band of miscreants will be out of this club before the summer's over!" he snarled, spinning on his heel and walking away with Morrisey at his heels.
"Oh man that was awesome! I don't know how he tripped but it was freaking hilarious!" Adam laughed. "And did you see his as...uhhhh butt...he has two big stains on it!"
"He just had a little accident, that's all. Happens to the worst of us." Rumple said nonchalantly. Nathan, are you ready to play golf now?"
"Uh huh."
"Okay, let's get one of your clubs out and I'll show you how to tee off."
Adam handed the little boy a small club while Rumple took out his and stuck a tee in the ground, placing a golf ball on top of it.
"Okay...now watch Daddy for a second. You swing your club back like this...and then bring it forward and hit the ball," he instructed, demonstrating.
Shit!" Henry cursed when he swung his club and missed again.
Rumple spun around. "Henry Mills Strogoff! Watch your language!" he snapped. "There are toddlers here."
"Sorry Grandpa, I forgot."
"Next time you get a soap mouthwash. I'm not kidding."
"What's 'shit' mean Daddy?" Nathan asked.
"Nathaniel!" Rumple cried. "It's a bad word and your nephew knows better than to be saying it around you!"
"Shit, shit shit!" Andy mimicked. Archie dropped his club and scowled at his six-year-old son.
"Andrew Tyler Ozopov-Hopper, I hear that come out of your mouth one more time and it gets washed out!" Archie warned his son. His son lowered his eyes to the ground.
"Sorry Daddy."
"Has he figured it out yet?" Diego asked Bae while they were playing a few feet away.
"No. " Bae answered, glancing over at his father who was close to having a breakdown.
"Turds!" Henry grumbled when he missed his shot again. Bae and Diego snickered.
"Turds!" Nathan mimicked. Rumple groaned. Did his grandson not remember little pitchers had big ears?
"Turds!" Andy repeated.
Archie slapped his forehead. "Rumple, what on earth..."
"I don't know!"
"Double farts!" Henry called out while his father and uncle laughed hysterically and his grandfather threw his club down and turned around again, hands on his hips.
"Double farts, double farts, double farts," Nathan chanted, swinging his own club and not hitting his ball.
"Aww shiiiiit!" Andy whined.
"Andrew!" his father snapped. The toddler clapped his hands over his mouth.
Henry doubled over laughing.
"Henry! Nathan! Knock it off! And just what is so funny over there?" Rumple demanded of his older sons.
"Ummm...nothing Papa," Bae muttered.
Rumple threw up his hands in frustration. "I'm surrounded by lunatics," he complained. "Come on, Adam lad," he instructed his caddie. "C'mon Nathan." The boys followed him down to the next hole while Bae, Diego and Henry lagged behind laughing. Angelo, Robin and Charming who were playing a few yards away approached them.
"What's going on?" Angelo asked.
"I just did Spaulding's scene from Caddyshack and Grandpa still doesn't get it," Henry explained.
"And he won't either. Doesn't watch stuff like that," Robin reminded them.
"Did you see Nathan and Andy...it was hilarious." Bae said.
"No, we missed it. What did they do?" Charming asked.
"Oh, just mimicking me."
Further down the green they could see Havilland and Morrisey. Suddenly Henry started laughing again.
"I dare one of you to hit them right in the nuts!"
"Oh, come on! Do you really think we're good enough to pull that shot off?" his father demanded.
"Who commands the winds?" his son countered. "Dangerfield did it."
"That was a camera trick! Someone threw that ball and hit Ted Knight!"
"You chickening out, Dad?"
"I'm game!" Robin laughed.
"Oh, what the hell. Go for it," Bae chuckled.
"This I have to see," Diego mumbled and turned his phone's camera on.
"Fore!" Robin and Bae yelled and swung their clubs. As their balls soared through the air Henry gestured and a gust of wind blew them toward the spots where Hallivand and Morissey were standing. Seconds later both men were groaning and clutching their groins.
"Shoulda yelled two!" Bae giggled.
"Daddy, why're they holdin their winkies for?" Nathan asked his father. Rumple shook his head and started walking to the next hole.
"Ewww that's gross! You're not 'sposed to hold your winkie in public!" Andy made a face.
"Which one of you did it?" Hallivand demanded of Archie.
"Did what?"
"Hit us in the groin you bastards, that's what!"
"I didn't do it!" Archie protested.
"Neither did I!" Rumple said angrily. "Look at the evidence, dearies. Those balls are orange. We're using white balls. Accidents happen."
"I'm warning you Gold…." Morrisey growled.
"Warn all you like. We've done nothing wrong. Come along Nate."
"Love to know who pulled off those shots," Adam chuckled.
Up on the hill Henry, Bae, Robin, Diego, Charming and Angelo decided that it was time to out Phase Two of "Annoy The Hell Out of the Snobs" into action. Henry summoned His Ipod and docking station and turned it on, raising the volume as high as he could with his magic.
"I was alone I never knew what good love could do
Then we touched then we sang about the loving things
All night all night every night
So hold tight hold tight baby hold tight…" Journey sang while they danced.
Rumple cursed under his breath as he missed the ball a second time, unable to concentrate over the loud music up on the hill.
"Gold! You want to tell your little entourage we have rules about music on the golf course!" Hallivand snapped.
He turned his head and sure enough there were his sons, grandson and Robin standing on the top of the hill with a portable docking station turned up full blast with Journey's Any Way You Want It playing and they were dancing. He groaned, excused himself and started trekking up the hill to where they were all standing. Adam followed close behind chuckling and shaking his head.
"Are you out of your minds? This is a golf course, not a nightclub, now turn that off! You're breaking my concentration, dammit!" he barked. Henry immediately pushed the pause button on the Ipod and lowered the volume on the docking station.
"Sorry Papa. We just felt a little payback was in order for what they did to you and Nathan," Bae explained.
"Oh, I think being dumped on his ass and his nice pants ruined was payback enough," Rumple said and walked away, still shaking his head.
"He STILL doesn't get it!" Charming laughed.
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
"…After the music prank we decided to cool it for a while," Bae was saying.
"The ball shots were the best!" Jeff Carstairs laughed as he took a swig of his beer. The two Lokis nodded in agreement.
"A couple days later we all decided to go to the clubhouse for dinner and dancing. They were celebrating the club's anniversary. We thought they'd loosen up a little but boy were we wrong!"
"Oh this oughta be good!" Jack Sparrow laughed.
"It is!"
Juno Beach, Florida
Summer, 2016
"Rum! Belle! Over here," Allison called out, waving her hand high in the air at a large table in the center of the room. She and her friends arranged themselves so there was enough room to accommodate Rumple and his large family. "I was getting worried you weren't going to come," she added once they were all sitting down.
"Well, our wee ones were a bit upset we were going out with them," Rumple confessed.
"Is Hope and Jenny's play date still on for tomorrow?" Belle inquired.
"Of course. And Gil and I would like all of you to spend this weekend with us on our yacht. Have you bought one for yourself yet Rum?"
"I haven't given it much thought since I'm working in the shop most of the week."
"Robin and I already know which one we want," Regina spoke up.
"Great. There are several spaces beside us in the harbor. We'd love to have you as our neighbors there too."
"I've already registered the Bellaggio here," Zelena spoke up, referring to the sailboat she and her husband owned.
She frowned when she saw Rupert and Phoebe Hallivand approaching the table.
"Alison dear, are you hosting a charity dinner?" Phoebe inquired smugly.
"Not this week, no."
"Oh? I thought you were hosting one tonight for your guests."
"Bitch!" Emma hissed her hands clenched into fists. Regina was fighting the urge to roast bitch.
"Putana," Zelena grumbled.
"Really Phoebe, you would think with the allowance Rupert gives you, you could afford some manners," Beth retorted.
"With all the money you have, you could afford another celebrity husband."
"No thanks. I wanted a real man, not one who tries to act like one and sucks at it."
"Phoebe lass, would ye like tae remind us all how ye met Rupert?" Channon asked with a smirk. Everyone except Beth, David and Diego was in shock. Phoebe's face was crimson.
"You don't know what you're talking about!" Phoebe exclaimed.
"Do I? Ye forget I have pictures…and videos," Channon reminded. "Ye still have that old schoolgirl uniform?"
David nearly choked on his steak.
"Honey!" Beth exclaimed. Archie gestured under the table.
"T…Thanks," he mumbled.
"So, people in glass houses should nae throw stones dearie," Rumple giggled. Phoebe growled and walked away with her equally furious husband in tow.
"Was she really one of your girls?" Regina wanted to know.
"Oh aye. And she was visiting a few of my men before I closed," Channon replied. "Beth's got files on every client I ever had, and she's got my permission to use them if need be."
"A lot of them are high profile," David added. "I'm not thrilled with the idea of having blackmail material on anyone but in their case I'm damn glad of it because Phoebe and some of her other high society friends like making fun of me when Beth and I come to their charity fundraisers." He made a face. "They only do them for the publicity. They don't give a damn about the causes they're supposed to be supporting."
"You gonna eat your fat?" Henry asked Rumple. Bae, Robin, Charming, Diego, Beth, David and DG started laughing.
"What?" Rumple asked, puzzled.
"What's so funny?" Archie asked his brother. David and Beth gaped at him.
"You didn't get that?"
"Get what, Beth?"
"He brags about being up to date on popular culture and he misses a Caddyshack reference?" Beth whispered to her husband. David shrugged.
"Somebody tell the cook this is low grade dog food," Henry complained. "I want a hamburger, no…a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake, I want…."
"You'll get nothing and like it!" Bae exclaimed. Many of the other occupants of the table were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.
"Have they all gone mad?" Rumple asked his wife.
"I don't know," she confessed while she sipped her wine.
"Time to liven this funeral parlor up," Bae announced as he, Diego and Robin rose from their chairs and walked over to the bandleader and started talking to him.
"What the hell are they up to now?" Rumple grumbled. The band started playing the opening notes to Earth, Wind and Fire's 'Boogie Wonderland'. Henry snickered then laughter erupted at their table. Rumple buried his face in his hands and shook his head. "They're going to get me committed to a mental hospital. I'm certain of it," he said to Belle while his sons and their significant others and started dancing followed by DG and her very reluctant spouse as did Azkadellia. Beth and David were already on the floor dancing.
"I really don't like disco but I'll dance to it if it annoys the hell out of those stiff asses over there," DG said to Bae.
"Hallivand looks like he's about to explode," Bae said, twirling Emma across the floor. She was still getting used to dancing and Bae's feet had gotten stepped on quite a few times in the process, but he never complained. It wasn't long before everyone else but Rumple and Belle were on their feet. They would dance, just not to that music. When the song was over, he walked over to the band leader.
"Can you play any of Miranda Santanna's songs?"
"We sure can. What would you like to hear?"
"Consume Me," Belle spoke up.
"Now this is real music," Rumple said and gave his wife a come hither look. She smiled and rose to her feet, taking his hand in hers and they moved to the center of the dance floor and began to dance the salsa the way Miranda Santanna taught them years before the first time they visited her restaurant in Miami Beach.
"Is it me, or is it getting hot in here!" Emma exclaimed and started fanning herself. Although her in-laws weren't professional dancers, the passion they felt for each other was reflected in their movements.
"I didn't know Rumple could dance like that!" Regina exclaimed, obviously impressed.
"I wonder who taught him," Robin mused.
"It had to be Miranda. She's the best salsa instructor in Miami," Diego answered.
"And nothing brings out a McDermott's passionate nature than dancing...and sex. It's even better when one comes right after the other." Channon said with a smirk as she watched her cousin and his wife on the dance floor. "People used to say Grammy and Pappy could almost set the floor on fire when they danced. Of course, they ended up going straight to bed afterwards and could've probably burned the castle down with the heat they were giving off. Who wants to bet me Rum and Belle get 'tired' after all that dancing?" she challenged.
"All that will mean is Rumple's age is catching up to him and he'll need to rest up." Regina joked.
"No it won't," Channon argued. "Believe me...every one of us gets like this. They'll be all over each other even before they get to the bedroom. Right, Diego?" she asked her husband.
"Okay. I'm in," Emma said. "How much do you want to bet, Regina?"
"Ummm...twenty I guess. Let's keep it cheap for now," she answered and pulled a twenty dollar bill out of her purse. Emma added hers to the pile as did Robin.
"Double or nothing they start going at it in the elevator!" Diego crowed.
"Rumple?" Regina laughed. "I can't see it. You're on!" She added another twenty to the pile, the others who were joining in follow suit.
Channon giggled. "Oh, she doesn't know our family very well, does she baby?" she asked her husband. He laughed too.
"Now then, who wants spy detail?" Regina asked the group.
At the end up the song, Rumple dipped his wife and brought her back up again, both of them panting as their eyes locked. He didn't know what it was, but his body felt like it had been tossed into a lava pit and his hormones were in overdrive. The only thing he could think about was taking his gorgeous wife to their room and making love to her until they couldn't walk and the look in her eyes was telling him she was as eager to leave as he was. Now that he thought about it, his libido had gotten quite a boost after their visit to Ballyloch and he discovered he was in fact, a mirror image of her late father.
"Hey everybody! Grampa's gonna get laid!"
"Henry!" Archie scolded.
"He's not the only one," David murmured, giving his own wife heated looks.
"Oh, get a room!"
"Where d'ye think we get our passionate streak from? He's our forefather," Channon reminded them, nodding at David.
"I know where I wanna go," Emma leaned over and started whispering in Bae's ear.
"Oh, you're on!" he cried, grabbing her hand and running out of the dining hall as fast as their feet could carry them.
"Robin, you want to get a hole in one the easy way?" Regina asked him. He dropped his wine glass.
"Lead the way Your Majesty!"
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
"…After the club incident Hallivand and Morrisey started putting pressure on the other members of the board to vote us out," Rumple was saying.
"But some of the other board members liked how we were livening the place up, so they didn't want to change their votes," Bae added. "The women were another story. They all wanted us out, especially Phoebe because Channon and Beth knew too much about her past."
Loki Laufeyson was smiling. "Oh and I sense you weren't finished with the pranks!"
"Nope. The best was yet to come."
"The Baby Ruth in the pool," Thor announced.
"Hey, I was getting to it!"
"So, get to it!" the other Baes ordered.
Juno Beach, Florida
Summer, 2016
"Watch this," Bae said and pointed in the direction of the gate when Channon, Emma, Zelena and Regina entered; Channon wearing a lavender bikini, Regina wearing a black bikini, Zelena a green one while Emma wore a red one. Robin, Henry, Angelo and Diego started laughing when most of the men in the pool and sitting around it stopped what they were doing and started staring, Hallivand included. Henry discreetly gestured and Kenny Loggins' Mr. Night began to play on his docking station.
"Your Mona Lisa
She took her smile of gold
Run under the border guard
And put it over on her Romeo…"
"My wife's bosom has gotten us out of quite a few scraps with the Venice police during Carnival," Angelo chuckled.
Phoebe slapped her husband's arm to get his attention, but he ignored her, his eyes following Channon, Emma and Regina as they made their way over to the diving board.
"Mommy, why's all the guys starin at Auntie Channon?" David and Beth's daughter Cami asked. Her mother snickered.
"Cause they think she's hot," her eldest brother replied.
"Jasper!" David dropped the book he was reading.
"Well you stare at Mommy a lot cause you think she's hot."
She is, David thought and picked up his book.
Regina climbed the ladder first and executed a perfect dive into the water. Robin cheered and whistled at her as she swam over to the opposite end of the pool and others soon followed suit. They gave Emma the same reception as she copied Regina's dive perfectly and so did Channon and Zelena.
From his lounge chair on the deck, Rumple lowered his sunglasses down over his eyes, shook his head and went back to playing Go Fish with Nathan and occasionally watching Belle playing with Hope in the pool.
"Now what are they up to?" Archie asked from his chair.
"Damned if I know," he muttered.
Wyatt snorted from his chair. "Need a stable in this place. I'm not the pool loafing type."
"You could've stayed back at the main house," Archie reminded him.
"And have my wife on my ass? No thank you."
"Oh, relax Tin Man," Ambrose said breezily.
"I'll be on your ass later," DG teased.
"Dottie!"
"There are some things a father should not hear!" Ambrose grumbled.
"So don't listen," DG retorted and laughed.
"How did we do?" Emma asked Bae when she walked over to where they were standing.
"Perfect. I swear they could've turned as green as your suit with envy Zelena." Bae said.
"If looks could kill, we'd both be dead," Regina said. "Pheobe Hallivand has been glaring daggers at us since we got out of the pool. "I usually don't do stuff like this, but dammit it was fun just to see the look on that bitch's face!"
"She's just jealous because you're a queen and she's a corpse," Robin said as he wrapped his arm around Regina's shoulders.
"Countess Dracula," Emma joked then she, Zelena, Channon, Robin and Regina retreated to their lounge chairs while Diego excused himself to make a quick trip down to the supermarket.
"Did you get 'em?" Bae inquired of Diego once he returned from his shopping expedition. The other man reached into the shopping bag and pulled out a handful of Baby Ruth candy bars.
"Now how are we going to get them in the pool without anyone seeing us?"
Henry smirked. "Leave that to me." He waved his hand and the candy bars disappeared from his hands and reappeared unwrapped in the pool.
"I still don't see how anyone could mistake those for pieces of shit," Robin mused aloud.
"Oh wait...we're not done yet. Go for it, Henry." Bae encouraged. Henry concentrated and part of the pool water started turning yellow and piles of toilet tissue began to appear.
"Oh my God..." Diego gasped and burst into laughter. "They are gonna flip out!"
"That's the idea," Robin said with a smirk.
"You ready to go swimming, Nathan?" Rumple asked his young son while they stood at the edge of the pool. The little boy shook his head.
"Come on, Nate!" Hope called out to her brother.
"I scared," he whimpered and buried his face in his father's leg.
"Daddy's going to be right here, dearie," Rumple assured the toddler. "And you have your floaties on too. I'm not going to let anything bad happen, okay? We're just going get in and swim to where Mommy and Hope are."
"I don't wanna," Nathan cried.
Hope swam over to the edge of the pool. "Quit being a sissy!"
"Hope Marie!" Rumple scolded his daughter.
"Not a sissy!" Nathan said angrily.
"Then get in!" Hope challenged.
"Hope! Stop antagonizing your brother!" Belle snapped.
Nathan glanced up at his father. "Wanna go in," he said. Rumple picked him up in one arm and gripped the handrail with the other and stepped into the pool. Belle waited a few feet away with Hope at her side.
"See Nate...floaties keep me up and Mommy's right here." Hope assured her brother.
"Let's swim over to Mommy," Rumple suggested, holding his son by his waist as he set him in the water. "Okay...now move your arms and kick your feet."
"Huh?"
"Like this Nate. Watch," Hope said, demonstrating. "You can do it."
"Come to Mommy, Nathan," Belle encouraged, holding out her arms.
The toddler hesitated for a moment before he started imitating his sister.
"That's my good boy," Rumple said proudly. "Come on. Daddy's got you. A little more and we'll get to Mommy."
"Come on Nate!" Hope cheered.
"You hear that, Nathan? Your sister's cheering you on. Keep kicking your feet." Rumple said softly. As soon as the toddler reached his mother, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.
"I swim to Mommy!" Nate said cheerfully.
"Yes you did, sweetie."
"See, I told ya you could do it," Hope taunted. Nathan blew a raspberry at her then his eyes widened when he saw something floating behind his mother's back.
"EWWWW!" he screamed. "There's poop in the pool!"
"Nathan, what are you...oh my God!" Belle cried, pressing her hand to her mouth in horror. "Rumple!"
Ewwww," Hope yelled. "Daddy, somebody's potty backed up in here!"
"What's all the...oh my God!" Rumple groaned when he saw that the water was now yellow and there were several piles of toilet tissue floating in it along with...he didn't even want to think about it. He picked up his daughter and swam over to the steps while Belle followed him holding Nathan.
Archie jumped out of his chair. "Dellia! Get Andy and Amber out of the pool!" he yelled to his wife.
"What's all the commotion...oh my God!"
"Gross!" Andy groaned, holding his nose.
All hell broke loose then. Suddenly everyone was making a beeline for the steps while they screamed. Rumple and Belle threw their things into their tote bags and raced out to their golf cart, her driving them back to the clubhouse while Rumple tried to comfort their terrified children. Now only Bae, Henry, Diego and Robin were left in the pool area, no longer laughing.
Rumple is going to skin all of us when he finds out," Robin muttered. "We scared his little ones half to death."
"Yeah...we better tell him because it'll be worse if we don't," Bae admitted.
"Are they asleep?" Rumple asked when he emerged from the shower later that day. Belle nodded and gestured to their bed where Hope and Nathan were curled up fast asleep after being given a bath. The two children were still terrified they had potty water on them even after a bath so it had taken a bit of their father's magic to put their minds at ease.
"How did that happen, Rumple?"
"I don't know. But I'm sure as hell going to find out," he said angrily as he stormed out of the room and back down to the pool area. It was vacant except for his sons, Robin and Henry. "Why do I get the impression the four of you have some idea what happened here?" he demanded. "Because you have guilt written all over your faces! Now how the hell did you cause the sewer to back up into the pool?"
"It was just a few Baby Ruths, toilet paper and...ummm...a little bit of magic." Henry mumbled.
"What?!" Rumple howled. "You idiots! You scared Hope and Nathan half to death, not to mention Belle and me with a bunch of candy bars and toilet paper?!"
"We didn't know you were in the pool, Papa," Bae said.
"Where did you think I would be, dearie? At my spinning wheel? I know you four have some inside joke going on but it has gone far enough!"
They all lowered their heads in shame, even Robin much to Rumple's surprise. "You're all damned lucky I don't summon up a Bruiser of my own to tan your hides with for this little stunt. Who else is in on it?"
"Just us...this part anyway."
"And where did you get the idea to pull such a disgusting prank?" Rumple interrogated.
"Caddyshack," Henry answered.
"What? You mean one of the caddies gave you that idea?"
"No, it's a movie. Haven't you seen it?" Henry quizzed.
"No, I haven't, fortunately."
"You oughta watch it," Henry suggested.
"I'd better now so I can be prepared for any more stunts ye lot pull!"
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
"I watched the movie with Belle that night." Rumple was smiling. "Two days later I was told the heads of all our families would have to appear at a board meeting."
"The vote was split right down the middle," Jiminy spoke up. "Half wanted us out, the other half wanted us to stay. It was a case of old versus new money. The younger, new money generation wanted us to stay, the old guard wanted us out. But Rumple had an idea courtesy of Caddyshack that would settle it once and for all…."
"A golf game?" Loki Laufeyson inquired.
"Of course only we weren't playing for money, we were playing for ownership of the club."
"A board of trustees owned the club. Hallivand and Morrisey were the largest shareholders and they were willing to wager their shares, confident they'd beat us in a golf game." Jiminy explained. "They'd taken turns being club champions over the years."
"You could kick their asses with magic," Thor reminded them.
"We could, but we wanted to win the right way. Without magic."
Juno Beach, Florida
Summer, 2016
"You….You…what?" Hallivand sputtered.
"You heard me. I challenge you to a golf tournament. You and Morrisey against me and Doctor Ozopov. If you win, we leave. If you lose, you leave and this club is ours. Do we have a deal?"
"Oh, we have a deal!" Hallivand exclaimed and shook his outstretched hand. "Better pack your bags Gold because you and those miscreants you call family will be out of here by the end of the week!"
"Are you out of your mind?" Archie demanded when they were walking back to their cabins that evening. "They've won every club tournament for the last ten years and we're not that good! Or are you suggesting we use magic?"
"No magic. I'm going to have Henry use Aramon's Talisman on us. We're going to win the right way and we have three days to get ready."
Archie sighed. "I'd better tell Dellia I'm going to spending most of my time on the golf course."
True to their word, the two men spent most of the three days leading up to the game practicing and the morning of the game Rumple and Archie had their powers bound through Aramon's Talisman.
Rupert Hallivand felt like he was going to have a stroke when a black BMW convertible with the Rolling Stones's Sympathy For The Devil playing at the maximum volume on the stereo system came towards where he and Stewart Morrisey were standing. Rumple was behind the wheel with Archie in the front passenger seat with Diego, Robin and Henry in the backseat. Then to add insult to injury another convertible pulled up with AC/DC's "Back In Black" playing and Bae was behind the wheel with Emma in the passenger seat and Regina, Belle and Channon in the backseat. The final insult came when Charming pulled up in his own convertible with Snow in the front seat and Roland, Hope, Andy and Nathan in the backseat. Hope was grinning from ear to ear as the song had been her choice because she thought that was what her Daddy and Cousin Archie needed to tell those snobby men they were going to play golf against.
"Are you out of your minds!" he bellowed over the loud music. "This is a golf course, not a parking lot! Now get those cars out of here!"
Rumple pushed his sunglasses down over his eyes and glared at him. "I'll park my car where I damned well please, dearie," he said coldly as he got out of the car. "Since this club is going to be half mine by the end of the day."
"And hell will freeze over!" Hallivand cried. "What the hell! Not another one!"
A motorcycle sped down the course with Metallica's "Seek and Destroy" playing and came to a stop beside Rumple's car. DG giggled as she and Azkadellia removed their helmets.
"Where are the boys?" Bae asked.
"They're coming," DG answered with a smirk and glanced behind her to see Wyatt's truck approaching playing Toby Keith's "Beer For My Horses". Wyatt was driving while Elmer sat in the passenger seat and Jeb, Xenia, and Ambrose rode in the truckbed. DG sauntered up to the driver's window. "You bring the provisions, baby?" she asked her husband. He pointed to the truckbed.
"Right here!" Jeb announced and held up a case of beer.
"You...you...backwards...this is a golf course not a goddamned tailgating party or a parking lot!" Morrisey raged.
"Yeah, well, this is a sports event and we're tailgating!" DG retorted. "So why don't you take your stickassed selves back over there where you belong until the game starts!"
"We're ready!" David and Beth announced, setting up a tent on the green.
"You tell him Deege!" Henry crowed and high-fived her.
"I am going to look forward to throwing all of your asses out of here," Hallivand hissed at Rumple before he and Morrisey walked away to join their own group of friends.
"I hope you didn't just bring alcohol." Rumple said.
"No...just make sure if the kids get something to drink it's out of the blue cooler," Jeb said as he set a large blue beverage cooler down on the grass. "Kids...you have to get your drinks out of here. Okay?" he asked, patting the blue cooler.
"Okay," Hope and Nathan said in unison.
"Oh good, the party's just started!" Anna exclaimed as she approached with John, Michael, Wendy, Zelena, Angelo, Cyrus, Alice, and Will. Will was pulling another cooler along and Cyrus and Alice's hands and arms were loaded with shopping bags full of food. They started setting up more tents beside David and Beth's.
"Keep your eyes open. I wouldn't put it past those bastards to cheat," David informed his former SFPD colleagues.
"We're on it," Hildy Mulligan assured him.
"We gonna do the nose pick bet?" Bae asked his son.
"Do you really think any of these so called 'high class' kids do it?"
"One way to find out. Pick your kid and let's wager!"
"I'm in. How much?" Jeb asked, pulling his wallet out of his jeans.
"You got fifty bucks?"
"I'm a sheriff's deputy. Twenty!"
"Okay pick your kid."
"Diego, what are they betting on?" David asked him.
"Bettin to see which one of those kids picks their noses."
Beth and David started laughing. "I'll watch the grill, you know who to put the money on!" Beth instructed her husband.
"Twenty on Brett Hallivand," David announced, slapping a twenty dollar bill in Bae's hand.
"Hallivand's grandson?"
"Yep."
"Does he do it?"
"Yep."
"Okay, gimme twenty on the Hallivand kid!" Henry announced, thrusting a bill at his father. Soon some of the other men joined in.
"Are ye lot betting whether we win or lose?" Rumple demanded of his son.
"No. On which one of the spoiled rich kids picks their nose. Brett Hallivand is the favorite. You want to place a wager."
Rumple frowned. "I'll pass."
"We gonna double it if he eats it?"
"Hell yeah!"
Soon it was time for the game to start and people started showing up on the course. Rumple and Archie were surprised that there were more people on their side than they'd expected enjoying refreshments from their family members' tents.
Even after all their practicing, Archie and Rumple had three difficult holes and were three points behind Morrisey and Hallivand by the time they reached the twelfth hole. Meanwhile some of the men in the betting poll excused themselves and hid in the bushes to spy on the younger men and boys in Hallivand and Morrisey's camp.
"Okay here goes," David laughed from his hiding place with Bae, Robin, Diego and Henry watching Hallivand's grandson Brett.
"He's not gonna do it!" Bae taunted.
"Come on, come on…" David urged as the boy's finger inched toward his nose.
"He's gonna do it!" Henry chuckled.
"Come on, come on yeah!" David cheered, holding out his hand. Bae slapped a bill in it. "Double or nothing he eats it!"
"Oh come on! We wouldn't get that lucky!" Diego exclaimed.
"He's gonna do it!" Robin laughed.
"Come on…yeah! Pay up Bae!"
"Damn!" Bae added more bills to the growing pile in David's hand. "How'd you know he was gonna do it?"
"Because he did at the last fundraiser Beth and I went to!"
The pressure was on by the time they reached the final hole. If Rumple was able to sink his ball, he and Archie would win the tournament by one point.
"You can do it, Rumple," Archie encouraged. Rumple took a deep breath and swung the club. The ball crept slowly towards the hole, seeming to hover over the rim.
No, no...come on you son of a bitch! he thought angrily tempted to use his magic to force it in only to remember that he'd asked Henry to remove it for the duration of the game. He lowered his head and looked away. Suddenly the crowd behind him started cheering and when he turned back to see what was going on Belle threw herself into his arms.
"You did it, Rumple! You did it!" she cried. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hallivand throw down his golf club and start cursing a blue streak. Morrisey simply shook his head and walked away.
"No, sweetheart, we did it," he said as he they walked over to where Archie stood with his arms full of Az. Rumple held out his hand. "Thank you."
"We're family."
"Well, dearie," Rumple said to Hallivand when he approached him, "We'll be discussing the sale of this club tomorrow morning...in my office."
"Oh, no we won't."
"Oh yes we will because no one breaks a deal with me!" Rumple hissed. "And you'll be wanting to keep this one if you want to continue your fancy lifestyle. You understand me?"
The other man paled. "What time?"
Rumple glanced over at Archie. "Nine sound okay to you, Archie?"
Archie grinned. "Perfect."
Hallivand glared at them and led his wife and their group of friends away.
"Hey everybody. We're all gonna get laid!" Henry announced.
"What was that coming out of your mouth, Henry Mills Gold?" Rumple asked as he spun around to face his grandson while the others started laughing.
"Nothing."
"You want to try that again, dearie?" Rumple asked icily. "And you lot," he said, glaring at his sons, Robin and DG. "Should not be letting him watch R rated movies that he goes around quoting thinking I won't be able to figure it out."
"Oh come on, Papa, it was funny as hell," Bae chuckled. "And besides, you and Archie earned yourselves a victory celebration."
"And," Belle murmured as she snuck up behind her husband and put her arms around his waist, nuzzling his neck. "I have just the celebration in mind. What do you say we go back to the clubhouse and spend the rest of the day in bed?" she whispered. He spun around and drew her into his arms for a kiss.
"That sounds good to me, sweetheart." He looked back at the laughing group. "Not one word!" he warned with a grin, having a good idea what most of them were going to say.
"Ummm…Grandpa, before you go..." Henry waved his hand and the Strogoff Emerald appeared. Rumple took it in his hand. The stone began to glow as it returned his magic back to him. When it stopped, he handed it back to Henry who then restored Archie's magic.
"Thank you Henry," Rumple said and led his wife away.
"Well, what do you say we have a little victory celebration of our own?" Archie asked Az. She held out her hand.
"Lead on darling," she purred. He linked his arm through hers and followed Rumple and Belle back to the clubhouse.
Archie was laughing when he kicked open the door of his and Az's room with her in his arms.
"I can just imagine the looks on Hallivand and Morrisey's faces right now. I can't believe we pulled it off!" he said as he deposited Az on the bed and kissed her.
"I knew you could," Az said confidently. "You fought off armies of rebels. This was a walk in the park."
"I am so proud of you," Belle said softly as she and Rumple lay in their bed in each other's arms.
"I was worried for a minute," Rumple confessed. "Not just for me but for Archie too. This tournament wasn't just about getting back at those people for being rude to us...it was proving to myself that I could win...without magic.
"I know...and you did it the right way. Just like you promised."
Bae, Henry and Diego stepped out into the middle of the course and started imitating the gopher's dance from the movie as they sang the movie's theme song and it wasn't long before the others started joining in.
"I'm alright
Don't nobody worry about me
You got to gimme a fight
Why can't you just let me be …."
The United Realms
The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille
Fall, 2019
"…What's this gopher dance you're talking about?" Loki Odinson inquired of his counterpart. Loki Laufeyson grinned, waved his hand and shifted into a gopher. He hopped onto the bar and started dancing. Thor gestured and Kenny Loggins' 'I'm Alright' was now playing on the jukebox.
"That looks like fun!" Loki Odinson laughed and turned himself into a gopher, joining his counterpart on the bar while the other men in the bar started singing.
"Some Cinderella kid
Get it up and get you a job
Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip
I'm alright
Nobody worry 'bout me
Why you got to gimme a fight
Can't you just let it be…"
