Many greetings! Haha so I lied. I know I told everyone that I would be updating every day, but I'm only able to get in one or two thousand words a day, and I don't want to be one of those writers that updates just for reviews and favorites. I hope none of you were disappointed. Given that I just naturally tend to take a while to write anything with substance, I decided that giving you guys at least 12,000 words each chapter would help it keeping you guys satisfied.
But it's finally here! I'm so excited to give you this chapter because it really starts to get into some real post-mike world stuff. But yeah, for future reference, don't believe any promises related to my writing schedule I make anymore. I'm what you would call the procrastinator type and my school schedule makes it difficult enough anyways. As usual, reviews make my day and suggested scenes/helpful criticism help a ton! Enjoy! -Y
Chapter 4: Anger
…
Clank!
"Ahh, shit". El hears Hopper cursing through her door in the living room as he prepares dinner. She sits on the floor, arms wrapped around her legs as she lays on the wall. She didn't do this nearly as much as she used to, but she still loves to put time aside to think about Mike, and now that she put his blanket fort back up, to the best of her ability at least, she's able to think about him in there.
She moves over to a calendar she has taped to a wall and crosses a day out with her marker. She sighs, and picks up the Supercom.
"Hi Mike, are you there? It's me, it's El. It's day 30, 8:34 pm, I'm still here. I'll always be here Mike, so if you're there, please say something…"
"I hope you're not mad… about dad keeping me here. He just wanted to keep me safe, but I understand if you don't want to talk to me"
"I know I said all this yesterday, but I just wanted to let you know"
She releases the button to again hear static, and closes her eyes to shut out the tears. "I'm gonna be here everyday, forever. I promise"
After some silence to compose herself, she lifts the supercom back up to her head, "Lucas, Dustin, and Will came over again today… we couldn't choose what to watch so we played mono-poly"
"They tried to get me to meet Max today… but I don't want to meet her. She's bad…" El explains, once again letting the static of the walkie talkie be her only response.
She goes on to talk to Mike for another ten minutes before signing off, and resting her head back on the wall. Mike's gone… deep down you know he is, her subconscious would tell her, but she stayed strong, fighting the epitomic dread that's building in her stomach.
Mike died. He was killed by the demo dogs because… because…, El's eyes shot wide open. It just occurred to her that she has absolutely no idea how Mike died. She was just told that he died, and since then she never bothered to ask anyone about his death.
El allows the tiniest spark of hope to twindle in her heart, depending on how Mike died, he could still be alive. She begins to breathe faster and faster, the excitement of him possibly being alive making her shoot up to go ask Hopper.
He could still be alive. He could still be alive. He could still be alive
She dashes out of the blanket fort and practically throws the door to her room open, startling Hopper enough to shift his attention away from what he was cooking and onto El. "What's up, kid?" he asks, a little worried from her dramatic entrance.
She felt so excited to ask the question, but now that she's on the spot, she feels afraid to know the answer. "Uh- uhmm… h-uh…" she stutters out, stiffening with fear at the thought of knowing the possibly gritty details of her only love's death.
Hopper for his part is completely confused, shifting his eyes from her stiff and anxious appearance to the door, thinking about how emphatically she opened it. "C'mon El, spit it out" he ushers her. El looks down to the ground.
"Dad, h-how did Mike… die?"
Hopper's furrowed brows return to their normal position, as he takes in a deep breath. This was bound to happen sometime, just lay it to her plain and simple, he thinks to himself. The last thing he wants to do is scare El, but he knows he's not going to be able to come out of this conversation without making her daughter cry.
He turns around to take the boiling pot of spaghetti off the stove, and moves to sit down in his chair.
El is now the confused one, why do I need to sit down with him to know? She wonders. With a bit of reluctance, she goes over to sit across from her dad. She keeps her eyes on him the whole time as she moves her chair back and slowly sits down. Silence hangs over the room for a few long seconds, as Hopper shifts around in nervousness.
"You probably know that Mike and the other kids were left at the house that night, right?"
El nods her head, so far keeping track of his story. "Well apparently, they didn't stay there, they went to the tunnels" he explains in his somber voice, El gives her dad a confused look. "Oh, right, the tunnels are like this network, under the ground, that all came from the portal"
She nods her head again, ushering him to continue. Hopper opens his mouth but stops for a quick second, choosing his words carefully. "Do you remember when there were a bunch of dogs at the elevator, but they all screamed and ran away?". El's eyes widen in understanding, "yes! That was weird…" she responds, and Hopper nods.
"Well, apparently that was Mike. They set the place on fire to distract them from you and me-"
"So they ran after Mike?" El interrupts softly, the fear palpable in her voice. Hopper sighs, "yeah, kid. They ran after Mike… Dustin, Lucas, and Max made it out, but Mike and Steve didn't". Hopper lets the cold silence play out for a while, giving his daughter the space she needs to take in the information.
He could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes, and her increased breathing. There isn't a doubt in his mind that she knows exactly how those dogs kill their victims, she saw the bodies of the scientists herself. And to think that Mike suffered the exact same fate… he expected her to cry, pretty hard.
Maybe she'll want to sleep in his room again, maybe she won't want to eat dinner, but after a few more excruciating seconds, something he didn't expect happens.
"...why?..." she says, the hurt visible in her voice. Hopper is at a loss for words. "T-they did it so the dogs wouldn't attack us, so we could get straight to our job". He knows deep down that Mike must have been worried sick about El, so it makes sense that he'd try to help in some way.
For El though, this excuse made no sense. "B-but… there weren't that many of them… I could have done it" she complains, acting as if proving Mike did a stupid thing would somehow bring him back.
"I'm sorry El, he cared about you too much to do nothing…" at this El gets up out of her chair, and clutches her stomach, her breathing now in a rapid panic. "I'm gonna throw up!" she exclaims, Hopper widens his eyes and point to the bathroom, "it's okay El, breathe, just go to the toilet" he replies calmly, but El just stands there.
The images flash in her mind, the anguish he must have felt while being ripped to shreds by such a terrifying beast. She feels the all familiar pain of wanting to vomit, but the more she thinks about it, the more it goes away.
She was sickened, but knowing how he died… that he died for no reason, that she didn't need help but he killed himself helping her anyways, it made her heart sick.
"Why!" she screams, clutching her face with her hands, the entire house violently shakes when she stomps on the ground, causing Hopper to fall over.
When Hopper looks back at her, he sees her with a face he hasn't seen on her since they had their argument over a month ago… she was angry. Before he can react, she runs out the door and shuts it, leaving Hopper to comprehend what just happened. It doesn't take him long before the adrenaline finally rushes into him as he realizes that his daughter just ran away.
He quickly gets up and reopens the door, seeing the silhouette of El in the far distance. He isn't a runner, especially compared to some kid who's light on her feet, but he sprints after her anyways, not bothering to put on a jacket despite the couple inches of snow.
El runs faster than she ever had before, not wanting to believe the truth about her love's death. The images flash through her mind, of the demo-dog eating him alive, going for the stomach first, and letting blood loss and shock do the rest.
She remembers Dustin and Lucas… and Max. She made it out. They made it out. But Mike didn't… it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair.
At this point she was so far away from her cabin that she doesn't even see it in the distance, but she doesn't care. Why would he do that! Not fair! She yells in her mind. An intense and unquenchable anger grows within her, she wants to fight back whatever caused this.
She imagines all of the terrible things in her life represented in one person. The one who took her from her mother, the one who never let her live a normal life, the one who killed Mike. She imagines using all her power to send that person straight to hell, where they can burn forever.
The pent up rage becomes too much for her, and as soon as she can hear the faraway footsteps of her dad, she remembers. He didn't let me kiss him… he didn't let me see him for three hundred and fifty three days. And then when I see him, HE DIES!
"AAHHHH!" she screams at the top of her lungs, letting all of the power, all of the love for Mike, come out of her through her abilities, she closes her eyes, but she can feel the snow around her fly in every direction, and she can hear the loud cracking of the trees. She practically explodes with anger, sending all of the trees of the forest, as far as the eye can see, breaking from the root and being flattened by her power.
This of course sends Hopper flying into the air as well, narrowly dodging a tree that would have fallen right on top of him had he not been thrown into the air. Luckily for him, he lands on a larger than average pile of snow, avoiding any injuries that might have come with his fall.
El opens her eyes and sees the devastation she's wrought. There isn't an upright tree for what looks like miles, but she knows she didn't run that far away from her house.
But then again she didn't realize how fast she ran, after all she doesn't see her own house.
The sudden wave of exhaustion finally comes to her, hitting her like the ground after a 50 foot fall. She cries in anguish, holding her hands to her ears to stop the still flowing blood, she realizes just how much of her power she used, and immediately collapses, consciousness fading away from her eyes…
December 5th, 1984
Knock, knock, knock knock, knock. Knock, knock
The familiar knock of El's therapist rings through the confines of the cabin. It startles her, even though she could hear him coming from pretty far away, thanks to the windows once again being shattered by her outrage just a few days ago. This had made Hopper pretty mad, because not only did she shatter the windows, but she left the cabin without his permission.
Unfortunately though, Owens' jolly hum made itself clear to the two residents of the old house, with the ticking of the grandfather clock, which had almost broke during her episode, being the only sound before that, in addition to the low buzz of the tv and the crackling of the fire.
El turns the TV off and waits a little bit, hoping for Hopper to get up and answer the door. Even though he's in his room, she doesn't want to do anything for him right now.
Knock, knock, knock knock, knock. Knock, knock
The repeated knock on the door further rips her from her thoughts, and so, with a final glance at Hopper's door, she sighs and slowly moves the blankets off of her, the cold now biting at her again. She opens the door and sees Owens' friendly face, to which she resists.
After she slowly began to trust Owens in a few visits, her heart always warmed to see his smiling face, but this time he was rudely interrupting her brooding session, so she kept her disinterested frown.
Owens however noticed this immediately, and narrowed his eyes, shifting his eyebrows upward in worry, "you okay there, El?" he asks. El opts to ignore him and walks over to her seat at the table, expecting him to do the same.
She sits down and gives him an annoyed look, hoping to get this over with as quickly as possible. But in a move she never expected, he instead shivers, looking to the blankets that were, just like a month ago, strewn across the window frame. The shiver itself is clearly fake, but he turns around and walks over to the couch by the fire.
El gives him a deranged look, and Owens holds back a smirk, knowing exactly what he's doing. It may not work, and he could even wind up in some trouble, but it certainly is funny. "Ehhh, I don't really feel like sitting by the cold today" he says as he fakes a yawn, pretending to be tired. He looks back and sees El shiver. Obviously the existence of the cold has made itself known.
"But… but" she lets out, completely confused as to why a professional would be acting this way. But we're supposed to sit at the table, she thinks to herself. She had grown accustomed to the routine, and she isn't about to let anything change at a time like this. Owens grabs the remote and turns on the TV, further startling her.
"W-wha-what are you doing?" she complains from her seat, gesturing her arm in front of her in confusion.
"Gettin' cozy by the fire"
"You're supposed to be helping me!" she shouts, letting her anger get the better of her. Owens remains casual, "I can't help you until you let me" he responds.
"What the hell am I doing right now?!" she fumes, putting in a word that her dad uses whenever he's upset. Owens keeps his head turned to the tv and away from her as he explains, "remember what I said, El. It's my job to understand people, and you're not exactly hard to read"
"What does that mean?! I j-" she's cut off. "El, I'm not an idiot, you and I both know that all you want to do is get this over with". El widens her eyes, completely surprised he was able to read her so easily. Her jaw lay dropped, partly embarrassed for him calling her out like that, and decides not to talk.
He's completely right, she thinks to herself, and it makes her even more mad, but after a moment of silence, Owens speaks up again.
"So when you're ready, I'll be watching some TV" he finishes. El turns her head back to the table in shame, feeling like some sort of chastised child, something she never felt with Papa or Hopper.
When Papa would be upset, she would feel afraid, and when her dad scolded or yelled, it was just as likely that it was over something that wasn't very important. But right now she feels bad, like she was definitely in the wrong, and it only made her more mad.
Owens makes his presence known again, acting as if nothing ever happened, "it's real chilly in here… hey!" he says as he notices something, making El shift her head towards him.
"Who's blankets are thes-", Owens is interrupted from the sound of El loudly getting up out of her chair. She wears the "Eleven stare", at least that's what her friends had called it, but this one is filled with anger.
"Don't. Touch. Mike's. Blankets." she lets out each word at a time to emphasize them. Owens looks back at her, his face showing no fear, only compassion. He simply sits there and waits for another response, which El notices. "I… I won't… I want your help" she continues weakly, looking back down at the floor.
Owens smiles at her, though she can't see it, and slowly begins to stand up. A grateful smile makes its way to her face as she moves to sit down again.
Owens goes over to the other chair and starts his conversation with a knowing sigh escaping him as he shakes his head. This confuses El, but she assumes he's just reading her mind again, so she ignores it.
In truth, Owens knows it's not going to be that simple, but takes what he can get anyways. "So, El… how you been doing?" he asks simply, easing his way into a hopefully deep conversation.
El eagerly nods, subconsciously wanting to prove to her doctor that she cares about these talks, "better…" she says, looking up at him, secretly hoping he'll just take it and run. Of course that isn't what he does, "and?" he prompts, knowing there's more to the surface.
"...and not better… worse" she admits, correcting her diction at the end. She wishes she had the language skills to convey what she feels, but she knows that if she could, she probably wouldn't want to tell him anyways. Owens sits in silence, letting her continue, "don't cry as much… but it still hurts"
"In what way does it hurt?"
Silence.
"El… what are you thinking?" he asks, seeing the focused expression on her face. She snaps back into reality to look at him, only to look down. "Thinking that… it doesn't make sense" she lets out, eyes intensely focused on the table as she ponders.
"Like… why… why does this happen to me? All the things… like Papa… and the Demogorgon… and Mike. It doesn't… it's not-" her train of thought is interrupted by Owens. "Fair?" he suggests, El's eyes widen as she points at him, "fair!" she recalls, remembering the word. "Yes… it's not fair. L-like, why does all the bad stuff happen to me?" she lifts her arms up in the air slightly in questioning, the doctor takes time to respond.
"Life isn't fair to a lot of people, El"
"But why me?" she complains, "I don't want this to happen" her voice breaks a little, tears starting to form in her eyes. Owens takes her hand, "of course you don't, but sometimes…" he looks intently upon El, eye to eye, as if he's staring into her soul. "sometimes you gotta roll with the punches… because one day you're gonna be thankful that you did" he finishes.
El furrows her brows at this remark, unsure of what it means. However, her mind quickly returns to the subject at hand. "Why does this happen? Why is life like this?" she whimpers, desperate that Owens can give her an answer that solves all of her problems.
He instead sighs and relents, "I don't know El, but you shouldn't feel jealous of other people-" he's cut off, "jealous?" El asks, her voice, if only for an instant, reverting to the wide eyed and curious girl she was a year ago. "it means you shouldn't get angry because you think people are luckier than you"
"But everyone's luckier than me!" she exclaims, "Papa was mean! A-and the only person who cares about me was Mike…". El sniffles, holding back tears, and Owens jumps in, "that can't be true, El. You've got your friends, and your dad" he consoles, but El's face only contorts further into one of anger.
Dad. Her negative thoughts poison her mind, reminding her of all the things that kept her from Mike.
"dad says he's sorry that Mike died, and he's sad, but it's easier for him because he didn't love Mike, he doesn't understand!" she begins to rant about her dad, her face getting more flushed and her voice raising. "He didn't let me see Mike for three hundred and fifty three days! And then when I see him he dies! So I never got to talk to him again!" she shouts, her eyes beginning to water intensely.
Owens sticks his hands out and tries to calm her, "El, there's no need to shout, Hopper knows exactly how you feel"
"No he doesn't" is all she can retort, losing quickly against the calm man before her. "Remember, his daughter died, just like your Mike, he's lost plenty too". El slumps her shoulders as this, remembering what her dad said about his daughter Sara.
The black hole… it got her. The deepest part of her feels empathy for her death, but the pain of Mike surges through her again, reminding her why she's fighting this battle with an opponent she cannot defeat, existence.
"Doesn't matter…" she whispers. Owens narrows his eyes and shifts his ear towards her, beckoning her to repeat, "I'm sorry?" he says. The rage resumes its presence on her face yet again, "doesn't matter!" she yells, slamming the table as she does so. Owens quickly reels back, giving her a glare, "think about what you're saying, El" he warns, only succeeding in making her more upset.
"It's his fault!" she whines, tears now falling down her face. "He didn't let me see Mike! And now… a-and now he's gone! He's dead! Because of Hopper! Because of you!" she widens her eyes at this last accusation, pointing an accusatory finger at the older man.
Owens knows that this was to come eventually, especially with her pointing fingers left and right. Considering his past, he's honestly a little shocked it hasn't come sooner, but his expectations didn't stop it from hurting like a stab to the heart.
The guilt pangs over his head like a drum, attacking his senses, and he finds himself, for the first time, lost for words.
El's little arm trembles as she cries, still keeping the finger pointed at him, and Owens can only look down in shame. "You made me stay in the lab! If I left the cabin you would've taken me!"
Owens knows this to be true as well. Even if he was completely against it, there would have been nothing he could do. If they found her, they would have taken her, and they were definitely on the lookout.
"I'm sorry, El… truly I a-" Owens' apology is interrupted by the sound of Hopper walking through his door, clearly just waking up, "what's going on in here?" he questions. El looks over to him and can't help but feel the overwhelming jealousy… of someone who didn't just lose the one person that made them feel whole.
She stands up out of her chair, looks over to the cabinet, and flings a couple of plates at Hopper with her mind.
Hopper instinctively ducks them, but they still fly into the wall and shatter into bits and pieces. Owens' breath practically leaps out of his chest, as he, for the first time, is witnessing anyone with psychic abilities move things with their mind.
He never had any reason to doubt her or Hopper, especially because they went towards the portal in the lab and came back out alive, but to finally see it for his own eyes was miraculous.
"Hey!" Hopper shouts, the adrenaline rushing through his body, utterly confused as to why his daughter would suddenly do that. They hadn't been on the greatest of terms for the past couple of days, but this just came out of nowhere.
"I hate you!" she screams, running to her room and slamming it shut before he has any time to react.
Silence plays out for the next couple of minutes, with the only sounds being that of Hopper's quick breaths slowing down as the adrenaline leaves him, and El's muffled cries on the other side of her door.
"I'm guessing you don't want me to pound on her door right now?" Hopper asks, his angry and gruff disposition getting the better of him. Owens shakes his head in response, "it's my fault… but if we make her come back out here then whatever I say is gonna go through one ear and out the other, especially at her stage right now"
"Yeah yeah…" he says, moving over to the fridge to grab a beer, as if almost getting a plate thrown at him was just another day at the job. "what'd you say it was again?" he says as he begins to chug his drink. "Anger" he responds, Hopper rolls his eyes and makes a annoyed hum, "yeah, surprised I couldn't guess that myself" he remarks, reminiscing on the past few days.
Owens sees him lost in thought, so he tries to shake it out of him, "that thing that happened a few days ago… was that her?" he inquires, pointing his thumb behind his back, Hopper solemnly nods. "That must've been fun" he jokes, but Hopper keeps his serious face and shakes his head.
"It was just what we needed, wasn't it?" he answers sarcastically "… I saw it on tv, and it's been hard getting any sleep since then" he explains, his mind flashing back to the tantrum that blew the trees every which way. When she first did it, he was lucky enough to land in a pile of snow and not hit a tree, and he let her cry in his arms. But they weren't the usual cries of sadness, these were more cries of umbrage.
She didn't act like she usually did after a cry either, she was quiet, and wore an angry frown on her face. She looked like she would bite your head off if you said the wrong thing, and the amount of attitude she showed him was already getting pretty tough to bare.
So it was all too easy to flip out when he saw the headline on the news channel, Hawkins Own Tunguska! It said. Apparently it was felt with varying magnitude all across town, but the place where all the trees fell over was only a few minutes walk away from the house.
If she would've acted like she usually did, if she acted like her normal self, probably tucking her knees to her chest and looking like she was about to cry, and saying sorry or something like that, he would've forgiven her.
But she didn't, she kept her frown, and her attitude. When Hopper had brought it up, it only led to a nasty fight, something reminiscent of when they were arguing about her seeing Mike. This fact didn't seem lost on her either, as every time she seemed to recall it, she would just get more upset.
Hopper knows more than anyone how if it wasn't for him, she would have gotten to see him. It hangs over his conscious everyday, and has been ever since that fateful night.
He can't remember if it was some time after or just a little bit after that he decided that he didn't regret his decision. Those scientists were still on patrol, and if her not getting to see Mike meant she would still be here, living a normal life, that was worth it to him.
Still though, he understands her anger, but she doesn't have to be such a brat about it, he thinks to himself, letting the annoyance come back to him.
"So yeah… we haven't really been in touch for the past few days, and I'd guess it's gonna stay that way for a bit, right?" he asks, expecting the worst possible answer. Owens opens his mouth to talk, but now words flow out. He looks to his side at nothing in particular, thinking of his next words. "Anger is probably the most or second most difficult to deal with" the doctor begins to explain.
"With denial, you gotta choose your words carefully so they don't end up getting distressed, but with anger you gotta choose your words even more carefully," he says, walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water. "Now when dealing with a kid with psychic powers… I'm afraid I don't know entirely what to do"
Hopper sighs, letting him continue, "I'm not gonna lie to you Hop, it's gonna get worse before it gets better… but I recommend you get her out of here as soon as possible" he adds, waiting to see Hopper's response.
The police chief shoots himself up, immediately tense at the idea of getting her out there. Telling people about her existence was scary enough, and even with Bauman shutting the place down officially a few days ago, he still isn't sure whether getting her out there without his supervision is a good idea. "What?" is all he can spit out. Owens notices his apprehension and puts his hands out in a calming manner.
"You don't need to panic… the most they can do is use undercover agents in Hawkins, and that'll only get them so far with someone like El. And remember, I'm still hooked in with the goings on of the government, I'll keep them off her scent best I can" he consoles, not wanting to worry Hopper, but also knowing that he can't twist the truth.
"What d'you suggest?" Hopper eyes him warily, "well…" the doctor begins, getting his tangent ready, "there's this term in psychology called Frued's ego, or the social consciousness part of the brain. We both know her outbursts can cause damage, so by putting her somewhere with her peers, her social conscious keeps her from becoming overly emotional, because of the uncomfortable setting"
Hopper shakes his head, "nope. not gonna work. I've seen her cry in front of her friends, she's hardly uncomfortable around them"
"I'm not just suggesting she go out with her friends, Hop" he says as he clasps his hands together and waits for a response, hoping he catches on to what he's implying. Hopper widens his eyes after a few seconds, "no. nononono. Not gonna happen, Owens"
"Hopper" his voice becomes stern, "unless you want her drawing more attention to herself with these psychic episodes, then school is the best option for her"
"The last thing she needs is something as stressful as that shit, okay? Especially with her past. She knows that building too well… she gets nightmares about it all the time" he remarks, the sadness palpable in his voice as he remembers those nights, where she would be too scared to fall back asleep, so he would sit there with her and read to her… just like with Sara.
"What? Did you think she was never gonna have to go to school?" Owens retorts, trying to get past the man's stubborn facade. "Hop… it's the best thing for her. A distraction like that would work wonders on her healing process. She's got nothing to do but think about Mike when she's here all alone. You just gotta trust me Hopper" he finishes, hoping beyond hope that Hopper agrees.
It'll make both of their jobs easier, and would give her something to do, and somewhere to go where she isn't breaking stuff with her mind.
After a bout of silence from Hopper, Owens continues, "I'm not saying you have to do it now, but word's already spread across the entire town that you have a daughter. Look, I'll get you a doctors note that explains her psychological condition, and that'll make things easier on her with academics and whatnot"
"She's not ready to go to school yet, she's only up to the sixth grade-"
"Exactly! And at this rate, she'll be in 8th grade in no time"
Hopper heaves one final sigh before looking at him, consideration in his eyes. He points a finger at him "if I do this… it better work, Owens" he warns, the doctor chuckles at his threat, "Hop, c'mon, I'm a trained psychiatrist, you gotta trust me with this one"
"We'll see" he huffs. Walking back over to the kitchen to dispose of his finished beer.
This ain't gonna be easy
December 12th 1984
Knock
December 19th, 1984
Knock
December 26th, 1984
Knock knock
January 2nd, 1985
Knock,
January 9th, 1985
Knock
January 16th, 1985
Knock
The tried and true knock echoes throughout the house once more, where El and Hopper are eating their dinner. Neither one of them have really touched their food, as they're both anxious to hear what the doctor has to say for the both of them.
Once the knock is heard, both let out silent sighs of relief, with El quickly jumping up and opening the door. "Hello doctor Owens" she lets out, there being no hope nor despair in her voice.
She moves aside to let him in, and he takes his heavy coat and gloves off on the coat rack, kicking the side of the door to let the snow off of his boots. "Call me Sam" he replies as he rubs his hands together to warm them up.
"Hey, listen" Hopper calls as he goes over to Owens to shake his hand. "We'll work on having the meetings at your office instead of you hiking in the sub zero degrees up to our place, yeah?" he offers, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Only if El's comfortable with it" he replies, raising his hands up and gesturing to El. El moves her head around the house in thought, "ask me again later?" she suggests, taking a phrase out of Hopper's book. Owens claps his hands together enthusiastically like he always does, "alright, sounds like a plan" he says, moving over near the fire, where they had agreed a few weeks ago that it should be the new therapy spot.
"You gonna eat this, El?" Hopper asks as he moves back over to the table, El shakes her head in response, and turns back to Owens, expecting him to start off the conversation as always.
"So, El, how's this week been on you?" he gets straight to the point, knowing that there's no use in dilly dallying. El shrugs in response, "bad… but I'm not surprised" she says, making Owens' brows narrow.
"Why aren't you surprised?" he asks, to which she shrugs again. "My friends tell me all the time how boring and hard school is" she says with boredom in her voice, which Owens notices. Attitude? Check he thinks to himself. This is a very common symptom of the anger stage of grief, and an even more common symptom of being a teenage girl, so it's hardly unexpected.
"Has it been hard? Doing homework and dealing with new people?" he inquires, to which El looks down in contempt, "obviously. I'm stupid, remember?" she bites back, catching Owens off guard.
"What makes you think you're so stupid?" he quickly asks, knowing how dangerous her self esteem getting down is. She looks back at him with a sarcastic, are you serious? look.
"I don't understand any of it!" she raises her voice just a little, causing Owens to immediately put his hands out in a calming gesture, as if she just screamed at the top of her lungs. "I don't know math, or science, or reading novels, o-or running a mile in PE, or what happened one hundred years ago!" she complains, throwing her hands down in anger.
The memories of her first day begin to flow out of her mind…
January 14th, 1985
"You're not gonna eat anything? You'll get hungry, kid" Hopper asks as he notices El doing everything with her breakfast other than eat it. "Even your Eggos?"
"Don't like Eggos anymore…" she responds, shooting a glare at Hopper for reminding her about them. Hopper rolls his eyes and leans back, right, right, he says to himself, remembering the first time she looked upon a box of Eggos after Mike's death.
It was during her constant crying phase, and Hopper had finally bought Eggos to cheer her up, but he must've forgotten that nothing would cheer her up. The mere sight of the treat she used to love had made her burst into new tears, and she ran into her room. "Not even Eggos…" Hopper remarked to himself as he sighed.
"I get it kid, you're scared, but starving yourself isn't gonna do you any good" he tries to reason, but El just looks away, "not hungry, dad" she says in an annoyed half yell. Hopper finally gives up and sighs, "have it your way, kid"
El takes this as his permission for her to leave the table, so she scoots out of her chair and goes back into her room to get dressed out of her pajamas. After about ten minutes of trying on different clothes and immediately tossing them aside, she finally decides for a simple black t-shirt with a logo of some band she didn't know, definitely a Hopper hand-me-down, and a comfortable yellow plaid overshirt, with a well fitting pair of jeans.
Joyce had come over with Will just a few days earlier to say hi, and she had brought makeup with her as well for school. While El didn't know what it was at first, as soon as she saw the familiar brush with a weird powder, and a small mirror, the memories of Mike hit her like a truck, and she ran to her room.
It was only after another talk from Will when she confessed that Mike had put makeup on her before they went to the school did she agree to see Joyce and Hopper again. After the situation was explained, Joyce felt awful, and apologized to her what seemed like a thousand times over, but El had insisted that it was okay. It always seemed so easy to get mad at Hopper and Owens and just about everyone else in her life, but not Joyce. For El, though, the moral of the story is that she doesn't like makeup
She grabs the backpack sitting on her bed, with all of the notebooks and folders her friends had given her, and looks around the room again, feeling like she was missing something. She scans the room a few times over, before her eyes lay on the blanket fort in the corner of her room. After a second of hesitation, she decides that she has the time to talk to Mike a little before she has to go.
She slowly walks over to the fort and sits within it, grabbing the the supercom that lays on the mound of covers.
""Hi Mike, are you there? It's me, it's El. It's day 74, 6:21 am, I'm still here. I'm gonna start school today…"
Radio silence.
She sits for a while longer, letting the white noise of the supercom be her response.
"The prince-ipal is very nice, and says I'll share my classes with at least one of my friends…" tears begin to cascade down her soft face. "I w-wish you were still here, Mike… I wish I could hold your hand on my first day, a-and you could kiss me on the cheek" her last words were barely above a whisper as she tries desperately to not let her cries be heard by Hopper.
"I w-would have gone to the snowball with you… I promise I won't go with anyone else, Mike" she whispers, finally shutting off the supercom and holding the covers up to her face.
The anger comes back to her with new force, and she screams into the blanket with all her might, even though all that's able to come out is a choked whisper. She throws the covers off of her and feels the urge to throw something with her powers. But knowing that that would get her in trouble with Hopper, she refrains and breathes in and out slowly, wiping her eyes and nose.
"C'mon kid! We gotta go!" Hopper yells through the door, El tries even harder to compose herself, and after another minute she's forced out of her self soothing by the rough slam on the door, "school's not starting any later" he reminds her, so she once again grabs her backpack and walks out of her door.
Luckily for her, Hopper doesn't seem to notice the puffy redness of her eyes, so she acts as casual as she can and puts on her heavy coat, stepping out into the cold.
…
Hopper's vehicle slowly stops at the entrance of the school, the presence of a cop car causing kids to steal glances at it. We're off to a great start, Hopper sarcastically remarks to himself before turning to El, who's busy looking out the window of the car with tentative excitement.
"You see 'em anywhere?" he asks, not even knowing where her friends had told her to meet them. The longer El scans the large area, the more frantic her breathing becomes, which makes Hopper worry even more. Things are just going great aren't they?
Luckily for both of them, El's breathing quickly turns into a sigh of relief, as she notices Dustin and Will talking by the bike rack. "I found them" she says, the excitement forming into dismay as she realizes that she now has to leave the literal and figurative warmth of the car.
Hopper sighs, worried about her first day of being in a completely new place without her dad. "Okay, El. Remember, no powers whatsoever" he says sternly, "and if there's an extreme emergency, find the lamp in my office with your mind, and make it flash in the secret pattern, just like the door" he knocks his fist on the window in the familiar pattern, knock knock, knock, knock knock knock
El nods her head, not giving her full attention to the words, anxious to get out but at the same time hesitant. "O-okay dad" she replies as she slowly opens the door and gets out. After she closes it shut, she sees her dad give a final wave goodbye until he pulls out of the drop off, and she watches him until he's completely out of sight.
She is now alone.
She imagines, in an alternate universe just like the upside down, where everything was the same, except Mike didn't die. She finds herself immediately envious of those hypothetical people, and she imagines her own Mike, holding her hand with her right now, as they watch the police car pull away.
"C'mon El, let's go see our friends" he would say, and she would smile in response. They would walk together, holding hands where the rest of the kids could see them, telling them that they loved each other and each other only.
But here she stands, out in the cold… alone. She looks to her left, where Mike would have stood, and she sees no one, only absence.
In this universe, El is alone.
The dreadful feeling, not dissimilar to the one she got at the funeral, now returns, but she begins to walk in order to shake it off.
She isn't sure if it's the ice on the ground, or just her legs, but she wobbles with each step as she gets closer to the building. She feels like she could trip at any second, but she keeps moving forward, stretching her hand out so that her imaginary Mike could hold it, but also to steady herself.
The sickening feeling goes away however, as she feels a soft mitten touch her shoulder. She turns around quickly in fear, her eyes wide open, but the scared look goes away as soon as it appears, as she realizes that it's her good friend Lucas.
"Hey El, welcome to Hawkins Middle" he says as he gestures to the large sign on the front entrance. Without anything to say back, El shifts her eyes to her left and her right before she replies, "thank you" which causes Lucas to give a knowing laugh.
They both make there way over to the other two, who still haven't noticed them. Lucas shouts to get their attention, making El jump again, but he apologizes as soon as he sees what he's done.
Will and Dustin both look over to see the pair, shouting "El!" in unison as they go over to give her a hug. "You ready for your first day at school?" Dustin asks, to which El apprehensively nods her head. "Wrong! You never know what these guys are gonna do, and it can be pretty scary sometimes" he warns her, making her frown and back up in fear. "Stop it! You're scaring her!" Lucas interjects, lightly shoving Dustin.
Dustin raises his hands in defense, "I'm just giving her the facts, better to know it now before it hits her like a truck" he retorts, "shut up!" Lucas replies, hitting him again, "you shut up!" Dustin bites back, returning the hits before it's an all out sissy fight, making El laugh at the chaos of two of her best friends.
Will rolls his eyes and walks over to El, ignoring the fighting couple. "It's really not that scary once you get used to it, and some of the teachers are pretty nice" he explains, and El nods her head again, but she knows that he's not giving her the full story.
After a short conversation, the kids begin to walk into the school. Lucas stays behind and Dustin leads in front as Will sticks by El's side, pseudo-protecting her from the perceived dangers of middle school.
El tries her best to memorize each hallway they pass, but it isn't long before she's completely lost, with only her friends to guide her around. Not much longer, the kids stop seemingly in the middle of some random hallway, earning a confused look from El.
"Hey, can I see your schedule for your classes?" Dustin asks, which only confuses El more, but she grabs it out of her backpack nonetheless. Dustin grabs it and stares at the top before pointing, "do you know what that is?" he asks, looking back up at El. She stares down the word before forming it with her mouth, "lock-er?" she replies, and the boy enthusiastically nods.
"Yeah! That's the place we hold our stuff in, my locker number is 218, Lucas' is 219, and Will's is 217, do you know what yours says?" he asks.
"You don't have to baby her, she can figure it out on her own" Lucas scoffs, to which Dustin flips him off, "hello? genius? it's her first day of school, she's not gonna know this stuff"
El reads over the number right next to the word and looks back to Dustin, "two one five?" she asks, Dustin nods his head again and begins to teach her how to open her locker. After failing multiple times, she finally cracks and flicks her head to the right, instantly opening up the locker.
The boys instinctively look around them, making sure no one saw what just happened. "El, we gotta teach you how to use the locker" Lucas remarks as he moves to open his own, and the other boys do the same.
Separated by 216 and Will's locker, Lucas whispers into Dustin's ear, "so are we just not gonna tell her that Mike's locker was 214?" he asks, silent sadness in his voice, Dustin bows his head down and sighs, "that's exactly what we're gonna do"
…
The boys and El have to make themselves into a single file line when walking into their first period class, and so El's the last person to walk into the classroom. Will, Dustin, Lucas instantly walk over to their seats, but El stops in the front of the classroom, it just occurring to her that she has no idea where to sit.
She looks around the room in fear, something Will seems to pick up on, and he gestures to the seat next to him and gives her a reassuring nod. But before she can move over to the seat, the teacher stops her, "one second, miss Hopper, I've gotta introduce you to the class" he says lightheartedly, as if that's just the most fun thing to happen to you on your first day.
She looks over to her friends, who all either have worried or resigned faces, and the class bell rings. "Dustin, drum roll" the teacher says, and Dustin, somewhat hesitantly, obliges. He turns over his book and begins to tap on it over and over again, giving El an "I'm sorry" face.
"Class, please welcome, the latest passenger to join us on our curiosity voyage, Jane!" he announces enthusiastically. She looks around the room quickly, panicked, but is relieved to find that no one is paying all that much attention to her. "Welcome aboard!" he says, El slowly nods and takes his silence as an excuse to move over to her seat, but before she can she is once again stopped.
"Oh! One second, Jane" he says as he moves over to his office space and grabs a large book from the cabinet. "You're gonna need this for the class" he smiles happily, but as he gets a closer look at the girl standing in front of him, he narrows his eyes.
"You look kinda familiar… any chance I've seen you before?" he inquires. El not so subtly widens her eyes, she looks back to Dustin and Will who share her worried glance, but they don't say anything. "Uh" she mutters, not knowing what to say, "I don't… know?" her statement comes out as more of a question than anything else, but after a moment of terrifying silence, the teacher relents. "Huh. Well, in any case, it's nice to meet you, my name's Mr. Clarke" he says as he gestures towards the class, "pick any seat you want"
El quickly makes her way to the open seat, and sits down, finally letting a long sigh out. Will puts a hand on her shoulder and gives her a nod to ask if she's okay, she nods back.
Her classes were, in a word, boring. Science was her first period, which she liked because all of her friends were there and the teacher was friendly, her second was Mathematics that she shared with Lucas.
The teacher was a little bit strange, and all the other students seemed to share El's opinion, as he often told cheesy jokes and was very particular about school rules, but she liked him.
Her third was Spanish, which she shared with Dustin. She was happy with the class, because there was a lot of partner work, and when the teacher told the class to work with a partner, Dustin gave her the goofiest look, which always made her laugh. It was also funny to her how Dustin couldn't pronounce the words if his life depended on it, but overall she hated the actual concept of there being more than one language, after all, it was hard enough to learn English. It didn't help that her teacher often called on students out of the blue, and they would stumble a lot. The teacher didn't call on her that day, but she knew it was coming.
After that, she ate lunch with all her friends, and while the boys acted like the school food was the plague itself, she found herself enjoying it. Lucas had told her that her standards obviously weren't very high, with the mush she probably ate at the lab and the frozen dinners Hopper would feed her.
Her least favorite, though, was absolutely her PE class in fourth period. She shared it with both Dustin and Lucas, which was nice, but it was dreadful from start to finish. The first thing she noticed is how the fitness teacher was strangely overweight, to which Dustin told her "they're all like that".
To her horror, however, she was told that she would have to leave Dustin and Lucas to change clothes in the locker room. She was utterly shocked at this, given everything Mike had told her about privacy, having to change with other people she didn't know made her extremely uncomfortable. She asked the teacher why she couldn't change with Dustin and Lucas, to which he laughed, "I'm guessin' you're an only child, then?" he remarked, leaving without giving any kind of answer.
Lucas explained to her that it's okay to change in front of girls but not boys, which made her confused. "Because boys and girls are different" Lucas explained, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness, "how?" she asked, and Dustin went red while Lucas coughed. "Lower voices?" Dustin answered, although it sounded more like a question.
"What does that got to do with it?" she asked again, getting a little annoyed at the boys' apprehension. "I don't know, El, we don't make the rules" Lucas explained as him and Dustin both rushed into their locker room.
The room itself smelled like excess perfume and sweat, which were too very clashing scents. The changing process itself was extremely uncomfortable, with El noticing that some of the girls wore a half shirt under their shirt. It didn't even cover the belly button, and she overheard some girls calling it a "bra" which confused her even more. Maybe they need that because they're getting fat she thought to herself, noticing the relatively large lumps in their chests that she only saw with older women like Joyce.
Come to think of it, there was a lot of girl talk she didn't understand, like "period", "tank-top", "cut off's", and "braid", all words she didn't know. Although, one of the girls next to her did try to be friendly. She stuck out her hand and tried to engage her in conversation, even though El was really awkward compared to the normal girl she saw before her.
All she remembered in the end was "Mary" as her name, which was something she needed to remember just in case she needed her help with something. The exercising itself was also not very fun. During their runs, Lucas and El constantly had to wait for Dustin to catch up, claiming it was some sort of back cramp or something, but she understood.
During their pushups, El could only manage to do a few before her arms gave out, and she could only last a couple of seconds with her planks. Sometimes the school boys would look at her and seemingly size her up, with one boy in particular constantly shoving into Lucas during the run, who licked his lips and gave her a wink. When asking Lucas, he couldn't hide the frown on his face as he said, "don't worry about it". She would normally keep pressing, but something about his tone told her to leave it alone.
The class right after gym was her English class. She was admittedly better at it than Spanish, but not by a lot. The teacher was really strict, and, according to Will, was notorious for being a rough grader, which scared El a lot.
She shared the class with no one, making her feel scared and alone for the majority of the class, but Mary was there right next to her again, although this time she had a group of friends near her. She also found herself strangely respecting the teacher, despite his thick Balkan accent making it hard for her to understand him.
After that, she had her one and only elective, which was a class that she could choose, although the boys practically forced her to choose computer science because they were all in the class. And she ended up really liking the class too.
The teacher was a lot like Mike, kind of socially awkward and weird, but this guy was bald and pretty short. She had it with Will, Lucas, and Dustin, but the computers themselves always gave her a strange sensation. She had seen those thick boxes with green screens in the lab, and so they gave her chills.
And finally, her seventh period was history, taught by a completely average guy. She wasn't really sure what to think about the guy, only that she didn't have any problems with him, and he was very nice to her.
But after one student called his name, "Mr. Matthews" it finally clicked for her. He was a good friend of Hopper's whom he knew back in High School. So naturally it makes sense that he would be one of the first to know about El's fake backstory, and he was very sympathetic about it. Other than that, however, she found that she really loved history. Learning about the how's and the why's of the way things are today fascinated her more than any other class combined, and she was lucky enough to have Will sit right next to her, although that may have been thanks to the teacher.
But by the end of the day, she's completely exhausted. Her and Will walk over to the bike rack at the end of they day to meet with Lucas and Dustin, but they aren't there quite yet, so they stand in peace. Or at least as peaceful as it can be with other kids running around and yelling left and right. It isn't long before Will speaks up, attempting to break the now awkward silence.
"So what do you think, El?" he asks, gesturing towards the school. El shrugs her shoulders gently, not really having time to think about it. She knew she liked history, and disliked just about everything else, but her biggest concern was the prospect of having to do this for four more days, and then again after two free days. And again. And again. And again. It's stupid, she thinks to herself.
The image of her walking around the school with Mike at her side, comforting her and keeping her company, eats at her heart. It could have been so much more exciting, the chance to go out and be her own person… but it just isn't the same.
She remembers that she's supposed to be waiting near the car pick-up line, so her friends accompany her. Lucas stops midway, widening his eyes like he forgot something, "sorry guys, I promised Max I'd meet her cause I haven't got to talk to her today" he explains as he runs behind them.
Normally El would feel bad for not letting Lucas hang out with his friend, but all she feels is spite towards the obnoxious red-head. She tries unsuccessfully to hide a frown as she quickly moves back, but Will grabs her shoulder, making her turn around to meet him. "Do you wanna come over to say hi?" he asks while he points his thumb back, his eyes wide with optimism.
Sorry, she would normally say. She doesn't want anything to do with Max, but she also doesn't want to be mean to her friends. In fact, if she's completely honest with herself, she would probably look down and shuffle around nervously until Will relented, but something within her snapped. "No." she states coldly, turning back around and quickly making her way over to the car line. She's too afraid to turn around to see Will's or Dustin's faces, but she takes the fact that they don't run after her as evidence that they're pretty shocked.
She holds back the tears that begin to form in her eyes, getting mad at herself in the process. Why are you crying? You're being stupid. She's glad that she's immediately able to spot her dad's car sitting in the line, because having to wait would have made things even more awkward.
She swings the car door open with a little too much force and jumps in, earning a startled look from Hopper. After a moment of silence he turns around in his seat to face her, "hey where are the boys? I wanna thank them for keeping you company on your first day" he asks her. She tucks in her knees to her chest and shrugs, struggling with all her might not to cry in front of her dad.
But she lets out a weak sniffle. And Hopper's face falls. I shouldn't be surprised, he thinks to himself. School has always been a stressful thing to deal with, and she's always had stressful things to deal with, so it was never going to be a good combination.
Nevertheless, his heart seems to melt at such an innocent sniffle, and his compassionate dad voice, a voice he seemed to have gained a little bit after he took in El, came on. "What's wrong?" he asks sympathetically, causing El to break into light tears and sniffle harder. Stupid question, he thinks to himself. Of course he knows what's wrong. He's surprised however when he sees her brows furrow in annoyance, and an angry frown show up on her face.
Stop crying stop crying stop crying. You're a mess, she keeps telling herself. A part of her wants nothing more than to bawl her eyes out and tell Hopper everything she's feeling, and another part of her is calling her stupid for even thinking that. "I-I'm okay" she weakly lies.
Hopper sighs, knowing he'll be getting no more information out of her. "Do you just wanna go home?" he asks, and she nods, silently thanking him.
January 16th, 1985
If it was easy then, it was only going to get worse. Lucas told her she was at a disadvantage when it came to school because she had to start in the second semester, but it did little to make her feel better.
She feels like she's an idiot, not understanding almost anything they threw at her. The second day was significantly worse than the first, she wasn't sure if it was because the stuff they were teaching got harder or she was just starting to get exhausted. She curses herself at the thought, thinking yesterday was actually easy by comparison to today.
Today, she was first introduced to Troy. He had winked at her a few times during gym class, completely out of the loop as to what it meant, but he finally introduced himself today, calling Lucas and Dustin toothless and midnight. He looked strangely familiar, but she pushed it off, her immediate attention going to her friends.
The Spanish teacher finally called her name, too. Obviously, she embarrassed herself, and some of the meaner kids snickered. And one class after another, she seemed to embarrass herself, even if it was all in her head like her friends insisted.
I'm stupid… I'm so stupid, she constantly thinks to herself, going in and out of every class. The cynical part of her mind gets the better of her, telling her that each day is only going to get worse, and she believes it. In the presence of Owens, she finds herself getting more angry than she had in a while. Easy for him to talk. He has no school
"This is what I need…" she comments sarcastically after a bout of silence with Owens. She begins to think aloud, letting it all out to a man she doesn't particularly want to talk to. "After everything that's happened" her voice gets weak at the last word, but she regains her composure, "after everything that's happened, I have to do this"
Owens sighs and places a hand on her knee, though she quickly moves away from his grasp. Of course he's had second thoughts about this school idea, but he knew she wasn't going to be making any progress with her grief by sitting around and just existing.
Every time he wrestles with his decision, the argument in favor always comes out the victor. She needs this, and she needs to realize she needs this.
"El… there's a lot of things that have happened to you. There's a lot of things that have happened that not a lot of people can say have happened in their whole lifetime. But this, El… this ain't one of 'em" he explains.
El shoots him a nasty glare, but he continues, "almost everyone goes through school, and everyone has to deal with those stresses. I'm not saying those stresses are invalid, but you can't blame school for this. It didn't deal you a worse hand than it did any other kid, even if the rest of life did"
He lets silence play out a little, with El keeping her head down, definitely not even considering the doctor's words. "I know it doesn't sound like it, but school really will help you in the long run. You'll make friends, learn enough to get a job, and live your own life" he reasons, putting emphasis on his last words.
He can see it clearly, El slowly dragging her way through life, chilling in Hopper's cabin until she's old enough to move out, discovering alcohol, and later down the line, drugs. He's seen what happens to people who let grief consume them, and he'll be damned if he lets that happen to the girl who never had a chance to live happily.
El feels a slight shift of emotions over Owens' last statement. She had never weighed what the future might look like if she continues to act like this… but there's something more. An ugly feeling begins to fester at the deepest core of her heart and mind, El not having the slightest clue as to what it is.
All she knows is that it's not going to go away.
The concept has begun to take root.
And it will strangle her until she realizes.
This ugly feeling.
Aaaaand scene. Was this filler? Kind of :/ There was only one particular scene that I was excited to write before writing this chapter, which was the "El breaks down all the trees" scene. I figured her pain would probably be so great, that such a mighty outburst seemed natural. There still is some really good anger stuff coming down the road, but I felt this chapter deserved to end right here, at this ugly feeling. Did you guys like the chapter? If so, tell me! If not, tell me! I really want to know how I can improve my writing because this story is no where near done and the biggest blow to the heart is yet to come ;) Have a good night! -Y
