I awoke feeling slightly dizzy. Something cold was pressed to my forehead and someone held my hand tightly. I wanted to slip back into darkness, to not face what I knew had happened. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to feel. I wanted to put off the pain I knew would follow.
"Alanna," Erik's voice was distant, and it drew me towards consciousness. I was dragged out of sleep painfully, my body feeling worn down.
"Alanna," Erik.
"Erik," I said hoarsely. His brilliant blue eyes hung above me, and they were all I could see. The traces of tears could be seen on his face. I fought down a sob, knowing what that meant. But, despite my best efforts, I couldn't control myself.
"Shh," Erik said soothingly. "Alanna, it's okay," he was smiling sadly. He took my hand in his and led my hand to my swollen stomach. "Nothing bad happened. It was just a bit of blood, the baby is fine."
This only made me cry harder. Erik ran a hand over my hair.
I settled down after a while, hiccuping slightly as Erik soothed me.
"How long was it out of it?" I asked when I could finally speak.
"A few hours. Christine called Daws and he brought you here. He said that you would be fine as long as you rested and didn't try to do anything too ambitious." He smiled warmly.
I nodded. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I sat up, and he gently put his arms around me. It were as though he was afraid that if he held too tight, I would break in his arms.
()
"Are you sure you should be out of bed so soon?" Christine asked.
"I'm feeling better, and I'll go crazy if I'm cooped up in my room."
Of course, Erik would have a fit. He had left for just a moment and I had used the opportunity to slip out. Christine and I were in the costume department, but she didn't seem at all interested in the brightly colored fabrics that surrounded us.
We reached the gown Erik had given me, the one I gused to wear when performing Don Juan. Christine touched the lace that hemmed one of the sleeves, trailing her fingers along the fabric.
"I haven't worn that for months," I murmured. "Not since I've begun to show. Not that it fit me well in the first place. It was much too long and-" it just occurred to me that this gown had been tailored to fit Christine four years ago. I bit my lip. She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.
She continued moving, ignoring my remark.
"Alanna," Christine said at last. "Did you love my husband?"
I stopped dead in my tracks. "Raoul?" I stopped to think for a moment. "Christine, I was in love with his brother. I was fond of Raoul, but... Raoul was like a brother to me. I never thought of him that way." I shrugged. "Why?"
"We've just have been distant ever since Gustav was born. Before that we are star struck lovers, on the run from the world. Then reality set in, and we haven't been the same. Blaming it on anyone but yourself just seems easier." She sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry," I said. "H-how is Gustav?"
"He's well. Smart. I can tell he's going to be handsome, just like his father." She smiled fondly. "Thought of names yet?"
"Sort of. Our ideas are still a little hazy. Haven't had time to think about such things, I suppose."
"'Our'?" Christine asked. I blinked.
"What?"
"You said 'our ideas'." She said.
"Oh well... I am engaged." I murmured, deciding that the truth was the best option. "My fiancé is just... He's sort of a recluse. He doesn't like to be around people." I explained.
"I see." She said. "And when are you getting married?"
"After the baby's born. Once I leave the opera house we're going to go to Italy. My father left me a house there."
Christine nodded, her curls bobbing. "But why not just get married here and now? Then Velluae wouldn't make you quit."
I blushed. "It's...complicated, I suppose. "I don't know. I mean, I just... It isn't worth all the trouble. I mean, even if we did get married, it wouldn't undo the damage done. And when people found out about my pregnancy, my Fiancé and I weren't in a good place." I rubbed the back of my neck. "We figured it would just be best to wait it out."
Christine continued to consider me. "You don't refer to your fiancé by name, w-"
"Alanna!" I turned away from Christine as I saw Alice pushing through the costumes in an attempt to get to us. "What the hell are you doing out of bed?"
"I don't need you to baby me," I snapped. She was as bad as Erik.
"Fine. But I will go to your mother,"
"You wouldn't."
"I would." She folded her arms.
I grit my teeth. "You, him, my mother, my sister, will any of you just leave me alone?"
It was the worst time for me to become dizzy and nearly topple over. Christine grabbed my arms and steadied me.
"I'm fine," I said, straightening up. But I wasn't fine. I knew I should lay back down. "I'll see you both later." I murmured, bidding them a hasty farewell.
A disgruntled Erik was waiting in my dressing room. I sat on my bed heavily, wishing to skip the lecture I knew was coming.
"Leave me be, Erik," I said, putting my face in my hands.
"Are you alright?" He asked, putting his hands on my shoulders.
"No." I said bluntly. "No, I'm not." Tears slipped through my fingers.
"Hey," Erik said softly, "it's alright..." He attempted to put his arms around me.
"Stop!" I said. "Please... Don't touch me." His arms would have added further confinement. The anxiety mounted in my chest as the world seemed to fog over, leaving nothing but the cloud of dread hanging over my body. My skin felt too tight, the air too heavy. I couldn't breath, I was gasping for air, unable to take any in, to properly fill my lungs.
I heard Erik's voice through the fog and I tried to block it out.
Finally the fog receded and the world became clearer. The next thing I knew was that I had my head in Erik's lap and he was stroking my hair.
"I haven't had a panic attack since after my father died." I murmured, tears slipping down my face. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. The last few months have been stressful." Erik said quietly. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I haven't been useful."
We were silent for a long time as I tried to calm myself, trying to take comfort from Erik's presence.
"I love you," I murmured.
"I love you too." Erik said.
I gasped in surprise and sat up, hands pressed to my abdomen.
"What happened?" Erik asked. "What's wrong?"
I took his hand in mine and placed it over my stomach, where he could feel our child kicking. He stared at me in amazement, his blue eyes full of wonder.
"We... We're going to be parents, Alanna." He breathed.
I nodded, smiling broadly. "We are."
He pulled me to him, and I thought I felt tears land in my hair.
