Dear diary, life is going so well lately. The store is doing amazing, my birthday is today, and Duncan said he is giving me the best birthday present ever! I really hope that it is a date, or a kiss, or something. Being back with him these passed few months have just been like old times, before Courtney or Trent. Speaking of, his show is coming up soon. Duncan says he doesn't want to really go, even though he knows about Ryan. He says he still gets a shifty vibe from both of them, Ryan I understand, but not Trent. I think Ryan doesn't like me because like Duncan, he's always afraid Trent will come back to me. I really don't understand why he thinks that. Ryan knows it took me a long time to talk to Trent again after everything was said and done, so why does he not trust me? I've never done anything to him. Enough about Ryan, let's focus back on Duncan. He says that my present will be perfect for me, he knows me so well yet I have no clue what he has up his sleeve.
*ring ring* *ring ring*
"This is Gwen!"
"Girl! You are never going to believe the information I have right now!" I giggle.
"Oh Miranda, what have you heard this time? Did Harold get caught sneaking into the girls bathroom at the country club delivering a pizza again?"
"No! It's way more interesting than that! You know that guy Booker I've been talking to?"
"Oh did you two finally have sex?"
"Sadly no, but that's not what I'm trying to tell you! Booker works at the auto shop with Duncan and his uncle, and Booker and Duncan are friends, and Booker told me Duncan's present is-"
"Oh no Miranda, I want to be surprised!" I hear her groan over the phone.
"Ugh Gwenny you are so not fun. Can I at least tell you to dress nice?" I laugh.
"Well you already did, so yes I guess you can."
"And sleeveless!"
"Miranda, why sleeveless?"
"Just trust me, babe. Just trust me! Oh Booker is coming, I gotta go! Bye!" I hear the line go dead and I shake my head. I know for a fact she wasn't supposed to let any details slip. At least I know that the odds of this actually being a date have gone up a solid 40 points. So much for the jeans and turtleneck sweater I was going to wear. I better find something sleeveless and more, more like a date night look. I open up my closet and go to the side that has all of my dresses. By all of my dresses, I mean all 6 of them. Four of them are long sleeved. I can either go with my red cocktail dress, which I really do not want to wear, or my signature little black dress. I pick up the black dress, it's a tight bodycon dress with a deep strapless v neck. Is it too much? Is it way too slutty? I haven't worn this since that humiliating night at Trent's concert many many moons ago…maybe that's why I haven't worn it in a long time. I need fashion advice, and as much as I love Miranda….she beats to the sound of her own drum. I only I have one more choice. I grab the red and the black dress. The red dress is cute, but it's super simple. Maybe simple is what I need….I don't know. I sit down at my computer and I hit Trent's name.
"Hello? Oh, hey Gwen…" Ryan is the one who is at the screen.
"Oh Ryan good, I-"
"Trent's not here." He crosses his arms, I raise my eyebrow. Why the hell has he been so snippy?
"I wasn't calling for Trent…I needed to talk to you, but thanks for letting me know he isn't around." His face turns red and he shifts a little. Good.
"Oh, uh, well…you usually don't call for me." He coughs uncomfortably. "Anyways, what do you need?"
"Advice. It's my birthday today and Duncan's taking me out…I have no clue what the Hell we're doing or where we're going. The only advice I've gotten is to wear sleeveless, and I only have two options."
"Oh Gwen that's exciting! Okay show me these options!"
"Okay, and no happy birthday Ryan?" I giggle, half joking. "I'm surprised Trent didn't make you call me today."
"Oh he didn't even mention it to me, but happy birthday!" Damn, you spend almost five years with someone and can't mention a happy birthday?
"Oh…well…here's the options." I hold up the black one and the red one.
"Hmmmmm they're both nice….let me see you with them on." I hide in my closet and put on the red one and come back.
"Again, it's nice. Let's see the black one." I go back once again and change. Once putting it on, I know this is the one I'm wanting to wear. I just feel so uncomfortable without sleeves…I hate the scars on my arms. Both from punching the window, and my own self loathing and depression. I come out and now it's not just Ryan on the screen, and it looks like I may be coming into a middle of the argument.
"I thought you said our connection was bad all day today? It's her birthday for Christ's sake!"
"She called me! I haven't been able to call out I told you!"
"I seriously don't understand what's been up with you lately Ry, you act like I'm-"
"Ahem…uh..,do I need to hang up and let you guys finish this offline or…" They both turn and look at me.
"Gwen! You look great!" Ryan says cheerfully, Trent doesn't say anything.
"Happy birthday Gwen…I'm sorry." Trent gets up and leaves the screen. I look at Ryan and he looks really hurt.
"Are you okay…?"
"Look Gwen, just stay out of it, it's nothing. Just pre wedding stress…."
"Okay okay I just…." I sigh. "Never mind Ryan, thank you for your help.
"Yeah…I'm sure you're really happy about this right?"
"About going on a date with Duncan possibly, yes. You and Trent fighting? No. I wish you really could believe me that after that night a year ago nothing will ever be of Trent and I again, it took me months to talk to him you know this. Please don't let paranoia ruin this…."
"You were paranoid about me…." Ryan mumbles. That I was…
"I had a reason, Ryan."
"Well what if I have a reason too!"
"Ryan, listen to yourself. If you do, I'm really sorry. But it will never be with me. Like you said, pre wedding jitters, you're worried about something that's never going to happen." I see his eyes well up with tears.
"Just shut up Gwen….shut up." He disconnects the Skype call and I'm once again sitting in my room confused as to what has just happened. I'm honestly dumbfounded. I've never once given him a reason to think anything is going on with Trent and I. No reason at all. I don't even text him on a daily basis. I look in the mirror once again and sigh. I hate my arms so much, if there is one regret I will ever have is thinking hurting myself would fix my pain. It doesn't. And now there's a daily reminder there each time I look at them. "Oh this is my birthday for God's sake!" I feel the tears fall from my face and I sniffle. I look in the mirror and wipe my tears. "I am not that weak little girl anymore. I refuse to be that little girl who needs approval from Trent. From anyone. Why did I even bother?! Snap out of it Gwendolyn. You rock this outfit and give it a new damn memory!" I grab my makeup bag and sit on my vanity and get to work to look like the bombshell I know I can be!
Dear Journal, I probably should have told her to dress up, I should have asked her out properly, but all I could muster up to say "I'm taking you out for your birthday." Why am I stupid? A stupid, stupid boy.
I throw the journal across the room again and it lands on my bed this time, since I'm at my desk, making sure I look fine one last time before I go get Gwen. My red and black hair has been styled back to my signature mohawk, a maroon red button down shirt with the sleeves rolled, black slacks and dress shoes I've worn to court. Fine, this has been my court look for the past few years. It's the only fancy clothes I have. Time to make them useful for something other than making me look less like a convicted felon. I put on my favorite cologne, also named felon, and turn off the lights the my apartment. I take the longest ten steps to her door and knock.
