Chapter 2
'Convince Me'
"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."
Jane Austen – Pulled from Northanger Abbey, because the sentiment was appropriate!
Emma had shifted restlessly and her sleep was fragmented from flashbacks for the funeral and with nightmares.
"It is done," Mr. Knightley had told her, his hand at her back, rubbing comforting circles against her shoulder blades.
She nodded in muted agreement, not trusting her voice to speak. Her eyes were pinned looking at the grave, watching as shovelfuls of dirt were scooped onto the lowered coffin.
"You should have listened!" Isabella's voice cut through interrupting the flashback. Her presence shifted the vision from memory to dream.
Mr. Knightley stepped away as Isabella entered, moving outside of her range of vision and Emma felt panic rise.
"But you never listen," she hissed, glaring sharply at Emma. In that moment Emma would have been willing to concede that her only sister hated her.
"You can't stay here, I won't let you and you will listen this time. You will have no choice but to listen to us," Isabella continued.
Emma shook her head in disagreement, as it seemed her voice was not working in the dream.
"Fine! Stay here!" Isabella shrieked jolting forward and pushing Emma into the open grave.
Emma jumped awake, feeling in her body as if she had connected with the hard coffin lid, after a short drop. She bit her lip sharply to contain the scream of terror.
It had been a horrible dream and yet it captured her feelings of Isabella's betrayal quite perfectly. She groaned audibly at the theme of the dream, maybe Isabella had been right when she had instructed her not to attend the funeral yesterday. Perhaps her willful choice would haunt for a while, but Emma knew in time she would sleep better knowing that her father rest in peace.
Isabella paced from the front of the living room and back to the fire where her husband sat, albit unknowingly in her father's chair. She was glad that Emma has sequestered herself in the study; she would have been upset to see someone occupying the space so soon.
Earlier in the morning Isabella had made another attempt at convincing Emma. It had not gone well. Isabella had presented Emma with each reason John had listed supporting the impracticality of her idea. Emma had aired her displeasure in various forms, interrupting, shaking her head and breaking into tears. She knew from her sisters pursed lips as she had left the study that morning that it had not worked. She had not convinced her.
"She must be made to hear reason!" Isabella pleaded with John, as she ended her circular pacing and stood in front of him.
"In principle I agree wholly with you dearest, but I cannot make Emma do what she wills not to do," John replied to his wife, sternly but with sympathy. Everyone had been on edge since the funeral had concluded.
"She must be made to by someone who can convince her then! She would not hear my request for her to refrain from attending the procession yesterday; even after I explained such things are not a place for a lady. She went anyway, in complete disregard of what I said. Such a thing would have been unheard of in London," Isabella continued, pausing to blow her nose loudly, and wipe errant tears away that were streaming down at the mere thought of her dear papa's funeral. "She will be convinced to live with us in London. She must. I have told her two times now and she has only become more adamant to the contrary with each mention,"
"I am not sure I will be any more successful than you dearest,"
"But you are a lawyer John; surely you will be able to say something that will sway her,"
John sighed. Bending Emma's will was a task far beyond him. "You spoke to her of the practical realities, the expenditures, Henry's inheritance, being near to family at this time of sorrow, those were all of my ideas and I am at wits end—"
"We must keep trying. The solution is that Emma will live with us, happily if possible and we must keep trying until she accepts it,"
"I understand dear, I do, but I am saying I do not think I am the person capable of convincing her, regardless of the number of attempts," John admitted.
"Then, you must ask your brother, he holds a tremendous amount of sway with Emma," Isabella told him decidedly.
John frowned. He would do it, but he hated to go to his older brother for help. It made him feel less a man, less capable. Afterall, in the passing of Mr. Woodhouse, his sister-in-law became his concern and he didn't like feeling as if he was unable to handle his own affairs.
His wife had asked it, and he knew no better solution himself, so he asked George to rescue him.
"Emma?" Mr. Knightley called out her name into the dark room. A dim fire place flickered in the corner, the last embers smoldering and smoking slightly. Mr. Woodhouse's study felt damp, morose and as colder than it ever had.
"They've sent you to do their bidding, have they?" Emma scoffed, darkness cloaking her form at the window sill. She was wrapped in a massive blanket. It was the only time since her youth that Mr. Knightley could recall seeing her with her hair down.
"I'm going to fix the fire and then we will have a proper talk," he told her ignoring her question.
"I will not move to London, it is as I have told them, you will not—no I dare think you could not ask this of me," Emma said breathing heavily, sadness and panic coiling together.
"I hope to offer you wise council Emma, you are very dear to me," he told her, crouching to stoke the fire.
She stood from the window sill then, gathering up her mass of blankets and followed him to where he crouched at the fire. "If that were true, you would be on my side demanding that they allow me to stay," Emma called out, feelings of betrayal etched in her tone.
"Emma, your sister and brother-in-law are seeking the best solution under very unhappy circumstances, do not aim to make this into something it isn't," he offered standing and backing away from the fire.
"It is about money Mr. Knightley," Emma announced.
"It is not and you know it," he said sternly, upon hearing his own tone, he reminded himself of her grief and chided himself for not sounding softer, and promised himself he would be gentle going forward. He would not upset her, she was his dearest friend.
"It is, at least in part. My first suggestion was that we would all live at Hartfield. Isabella said that country lawyers are not in demand and they would not be able to subsist on a meager income and as a result they are not able to live anywhere but London. I said I assumed the income from Father's properties would recoup much of the difference. Yet, Isabella said that Papa has properties without tenants because he had let contracts lapse, and that at present, the upkeep and expenditures of living at Hartfield would be disservice to Henry's inheritance when he comes of age." Emma felt sick as the words left her mouth; she never imagined her sister would stoop so low as the mention money or use her precious nephew against her.
"It would be expensive." He agreed.
"I offered that I might live here alone, it would allow them to remain in London and for John to keep his job, and this also was rejected. They believe it would be too much for me and the expenses were mentioned again,"
"Emma, while I have every confidence that you can run a house such as Hartfield with your eyes closed and one hand tied behind your back, it is more house than one person could ever use, and in that way it could be said to be uneconomical—"
Finally feeling overwhelmed Emma shrieked out, "And could the same not be said about Donwell?" in her own defense.
Mr. Knightley chuckled despite himself, "Yes, it could," he agreed. "but I have tenants enough that it turns a profit, which also requires that I run my estate, which encourages that I live on my estate,"
"Yes, you are a prudent business man Mr. Knightley. My father dealt with business in his own passive sort of way, and it has allowed land to go without tenants. But you are not a passive landlord, which is exactly why I told Isabella that you would help me secure tenants to help offset Hartfield's expenditures. She told me that it should be our expressed purpose to lease Hartfield and have tenants on our land and place the surplus income aside to add to the inheritance so that the children are well set up," Emma explained.
"Emma, these are all valid reasons," he told her.
"I have lost everything Mr. Knightley!" Emma confided. "My father left a portion on money in my own trust," she told him. It was implied to be a dowry but there were no real stipulations—simply maximum withdrawals per annum. She had not mentioned this plan to John and Isabella. "I am thinking that if I am not permitted to stay at Hartfield, I will look for something more economical in Highbury," she told him.
"Emma, it is not a good plan," he told her outright.
"I will not move to London. Isabella may think she knows what is best for me but she is mistaken. I will not be torn from my childhood home, ripped away from the only friends in the world and transplanted in London mere days after the death of my father, while everyone else agrees on how good it will be for me!" Emma refused with passionate indignation.
"Emma that money has been set aside for you from the time you were born, over the years your father added to it. It is a generous sum and he meant it to provide you with security, a safety net should you need it. He did not intend for it to be squander—" Emma cut him off quickly.
"Mr. Knightley, I will not be squandering it, I will be doing just what my father intended—" she began to protest.
"It is intended as a dowry and you know it," Mr. Knightley reprimanded. Again, giving himself a caution after the words left his mouth to be softer with her.
"If he intended it to only serve as a dowry, then he would have added stipulations, of which there aren't any aside from maximum withdrawals. As long as I live modestly, it will last me for a good many years,"
"What life would you have? To be like Miss. Bates?" Mr. Knightley asked sharply, losing his internal battle to be gentle with her. He could not deny the pain he felt when he envisioned such a future for her, and it made him want to save her from it, even if it meant hurting her feelings slightly in the interim.
"There is nothing wrong with that! They have community, friends, the comforts of Highbury, it is a better situation than what is plotted out for me in London," she pressed back with a glare.
"I told you once that each day they become reduced in their circumstance, which is true but even Miss. Bates has something you do not," Mr. Knightley announced.
"And what might that be?" She asked almost sounding angry with him.
"Mrs. Bates, which means companionship and social acceptability, our society does not look pleasantly on those who deign to live alone Emma,"
Emma was shocked.
She gasped out, half a forced laugh and half scathing, "You of all people are speaking to me about that? Mr. Knightley, you live alone!"
"It isn't the same thing and you know it,"
"Because I am a woman," she concluded aloud.
He nodded.
"And a single man may live at his leisure but a woman may not as it would be untoward," she added, shaking her head. It was ridiculous.
"But the rules of society aren't what really matter. Emma, you would be lonely if you lived alone. You know you would,"
"I would not be lonely," she countered firmly. She sighed conceding, "I might be lonely at times but I would have friends; I would have you. Do you think I would not be lonely in London? Think again! I will be so lonely. No matter what happens in Highbury, I could never be as lonely as I would be in London where I will have nothing. Isabella and I are not close, we have always been very different personalities and I did not foresee a life where I would be minding her little ones or living as a guest in someone else's home. Are you saying I would not be lonely there? You imagine I would be happy there, surrounded by others at all times, not a moment or quiet space enough for my thoughts? I would not have you to speak with or tease or laugh with," tears started to flow freely, she would truly lose everything, "And you would be satisfied that I would only see you annually? Christmas and maybe my birthday, if I could convince you to travel the distance for an old friend that you hardly see?"
"If you lived alone Emma, I wouldn't be permitted to visit you as often as I do now, as often as I have all your life, it would be talked of badly,"
"You think that people in Highbury would gossip about us?" She asked.
"They do, they have since you became of age! Your father's constant presence was always there to prevented true ridicule or substantiated claims. But if this, our friendship, were to continue in the way it has always been, you would be—we would be exposed to gossip and your reputation would be negatively affected," Mr. Knightley predicted.
She was blindsided by his statement. As if she cared one whit about her reputation.
"I will not lose my dearest friend in a daft effort to maintain my reputation," Emma tossed back sharply.
"I came to give you sound advice; I think you should join your sister in London," He told her quietly, not taking the bait to raise his voice as she had and giving her silly statement no credence.
"I am in the greatest pain I have ever experienced in my entire life and you are asking that I leave everything I have ever known; everything that might bring me comfort or happiness again?" Her words were pinched with anger and with sadness, her voice cracking intermittently. "I will not."
"Emma, I recognize that you are in pain right now, I understand keenly the emotions that you are facing—I lost my father and mother too, but to stay, there is nothing here for you now Emma. What remains? You cannot entertain that you could stay here," he told her gently, trying to lessen the pain he knew his words would cause.
She responded with a tearful reply, her shaky voice held in check by her indomitable will, "Mr. Knightley, I have no choice. This is all I know. Highbury is everything to me. If I could stay at Hartfield it would be my greatest joy but if that isn't to be, then the nearest thing would be to remain within the community that I have loved and grown up in," she told him. "You are my greatest friend, I thought you would understand. How could I part from Highbury? How could I part from you?" She posited, staring directly into his eyes with glassy, tear stained bright blue eyes.
He had no immediate answer and so she continued, "to lose my father and then to lose everything, how can people ask this of me? Isabella does not understand; she has John and the children; her community is already in London. But for me London is a foreign place, everything is wrapped up in where I am now. The only shred of normalcy I have left is here. How can I be asked to leave?" she pleaded, knowing he was affected by her speech, simply by the look on his face. At a glance, she knew he would take every one of her pains upon himself, if only it were possible.
"Emma, you may be of age but you are young yet. Who would look after you? Who would be your guardian?" Mr. Knightley pressed at the practicalities of the matter, his own emotions may have been taking up Emma's plight but his own brother needed him for is pragmatic mind. "And before you protest, I know you can handle a household, I know you can handle any task put to you that you put your mind to but socially, even in good company who would go with you? Who would stand beside you? What is left here for a single woman, though of good means? Because as I have already mentioned, even Miss. Bates has a mother"
"Mr. Knightley, whatever you may say, I know that I have friends here who would not turn their backs on me in my time of need. You have all but said our friendship would be impossible, but I don't believe you would abandon me in my grief. You forget that I know you Mr. Knightley, you who knew my father so well, you who came almost every evening to eat and talk with my father, as demanding and particular as he could be. It is you that we are speaking of, you who has known me all my life and has cared so well for me. And because I know you, I know that abandoning me isn't within your character. It isn't who I know you to be; it would not matter how much slander it would bring your own name, you would not desert me" Emma told him with confidence, choosing to respond to his counter with gentle appreciation for the friend she trusted, rather than to retaliate bitterly against his counter argument.
"You are right to say I would not desert you, but you are mistaken if you think I would undertake any action that would prove harmful to your reputation. Emma, amongst all the other things we are to one another, I am a bachelor and you are a single woman, it would not be proper. And while I would bend or break almost any rule to help you, I would never conduct myself in any way that might be a source of condemnation for you. You are young, despite the pain you feel right now, you will have a life beyond this and I will not jeopardize your future,"
Emma started sobbing, choking back heavy tears.
"Emma, I do not aim to offend you. I am not looking to cause you more pain. I am merely stating facts, and it would not be proper. Society would not view it kindly. My desire is for what is prudent, what is right, what is best, for you, for your reputation, for your well-being, for everything! Emma, I do not know what it would be like for you to live alone, I know that I am alone and I have made it suit me, but a gentleman is more fortunate—and being a bachelor is not seen in the same light as a single woman—," he felt she was wanting to cut in, and made the point he knew she intended to make for her, "and fair or not, that is the current situation, and I apologize that that is the case but it would be seen as untoward by most society if you were to decide to live alone. To entertain company, especially gentleman would be cause for gossip and scandal,"
"Mr. Knightley, I will not be leaving Highbury, I will not, I cannot. And if it is me being a single lady that brings offense to people, then I do not have in and of myself a solution for that. But I will not leave Highbury, even if it means I may not go to parties or make social calls. Even if it meant I could never see you, because it wouldn't matter, I would not see you in London either. I would rather be alone in Highbury in the surroundings of my youth, the comfort of town and the relief of knowing all the names of the people near, living in my own space, than to be in London in a house full of people, attending every party with a full social calendar, surrounded by strangers. Don't you see? To go live with John and Isabella and their kids would be the end of me! I don't –I don't think I could handle that. And you claim to worry about my well-being and my mental and emotional state, but I don't know what could be more grievous, in my time of heartache and need, as to be surrounded constantly by people. The house at Brunswick Square is not large, it is not a grand house and while I am not so accustom to luxury that I need the biggest of houses, I do need space of my own. A quiet place to think and relax, that is not a possibility there and it never will be. I do not need the high things in life but I do need and appreciate my own space, I need room to breathe and stretch my arms, walk through the countryside, lay back against the grass in the apple orchard and watch the clouds. These are all very precious to me and I will not have them taken from me for the sake of propriety,"
"Emma, I will counsel you otherwise, I am your friend and I wish you well and I want the best for you—" Mr. Knightley started, Emma cut him off.
"Then find me a solution Mr. Knightley. Find me a solution that will allow me to stay, to stay and to be permitted to see you," she replied earnestly. "I should be happy just to be near to all my friends," Emma added with a yawn, she hadn't the energy for all of this but she hadn't a choice but to debate and converse.
"Emma—" Mr. Knightley started to speak, from his tone she knew he was protesting.
"You are breaking my heart," she told him flatly. Every rebuttal he offered felt as she imagined a knife wound would.
Silence stretched. For a while all she could hear was the crackling of the fire and the sound of their breathing. They both had had so much to say.
One thought remained with Emma that she had not offered up. It seemed strange to hold anything back at this juncture. What would be the point? As things stood, he would be lost to her anyways.
"It is a problem that I am unmarried," Emma stated.
"Of course it is a problem, had you a husband, none of this would be an issue," he replied automatically, hardly giving thought to the statement.
"Then Mr. Knightley, might you marry me?" She asked.
His shock was apparent in the stammering and stuttering that followed, "Emma—I—what are you doing Emma?"
"Mr. Knightley, I ask you in all seriousness. One thing I am certain of is that I never want to lose you, your friendship, your company, I cherish it more than any other worldly thing. If it is a matter of my not being married, and if it is a matter of people talking, then surly I could marry you and solve for everything at once."
"Emma, you don't know what you are speaking of," Mr. Knightley challenged.
"Mr. Knightley, I know that we are the best of friends. I know that it would break my heart never to see you. And if I could have you in my life permanently, while it would fix many things and I know I would not trade it for anything in the world. I know that I am grieving and I know that you must be thinking this is all because I am upset, but I am asking, in earnest, if you will marry me."
"Emma, you do not comprehend the gravity of what you are asking of me," Mr. Knightley reply.
"But you are a bachelor Mr. Knightley, you have always been a bachelor and you have made no pretenses about wanting to change that. I have never intended that you or I would marry anyone. We would always be friends, remember? That was our goal," Emma rattled out. "And I—there is no one that I care for so well as you, should it be so wrong to marry me? Would it be terrible to see me every day? I know I should not find it hard to see you, as I enjoy your company better than any other. I should relish in it, to see you every day would be a blessing! I promise I would seek to be the greatest lady that Donwell has ever known,"
"Barring my mother," Mr. Knightley offered.
"Of course," Emma retracted, with a sheepish grin; if he was sharing humor did it mean he would accept her offer? Her heart swelled at the idea of easy companionship and security she would have at his side. She had been unable to do anything but worry from the moment her father had died, and if he accepted her, she wouldn't have to worry about anything as long as she lived. And at the thought that she would secure herself in his life—so that she could never lose him, never be parted from him, she smiled for the first time since her father had passed.
"I will need some time to consider your proposal," Mr. Knightley informed her, sounding every bit the prudent business man. She did not want him to vote with his mind, that would more than likely raise a host of glaring issues; she was so young, barely twenty and she was reeling in the turmoil surrounding the loss of her father and the threat that everything in her life was about to change.
"If you are unsure, I do not want you to act out of obligation. In the situation I find myself in it has become clear that I ought to marry, but it does not need to be you, if it would be troubling in any way," Emma insisted, hoping that positing a challenge would capture a quick decision.
"Who else is there?" Mr. Knightley observed judiciously. There wasn't a soul in Highbury that would be a smart match for Emma, it was perfectly clear.
"My former governess has a son, rather a step-son, but he is said to be very dashing, I have thought more than once that it would be nice to meet him. It strikes me now, that perhaps with some suggestion from his father he could be encouraged to—"Emma was cut off by Mr. Knightley.
"Emma, I will accept your offer," Mr. Knightley told her, sounding slightly cross with her.
"Only if you are sure—" Emma started, once again being cut off.
"I am a man of my word Emma; I will have John draw up all necessary documentation. The announcement will be made in church and it will be understood by society that this is a unique situation, and as such you will not be held to the traditional grieving period. And our wedding date will be arranged so that you have your wish, and are not required to leave Highbury for a single moment,"
"Thank you, Mr. Knightley," she beamed at him, silent tears trickling down her cheeks. "I am eternally grateful and I will strive to be the best wife, I swear it,"
"Having made this decision, I am obligated to speak to John right away," Mr. Knightley told her, standing and exiting the room in a state that Emma could only describe as shock.
A/N: Happy Saturday! Here is the other half! This and the first chapter had been one massive chapter. I didn't want to overwhelm! Are the transitions awkward?
I would love ideas, suggestion and feedback.
Are you enjoying this so far? Are the interactions at all believable? Feel free to included any typos or the like, I'm open to all constructive critique!
Thanks,
PrettyPet
