Chapter 34

Small Things


It brought her so much joy she made a mental note to not make too frequent a habit of it. It was almost as soon as she had told George that she needed a little bit of time to select a few things for the children that her mind started sorting through all her good ideas.

It was acknowledged by all that Highbury did not have as many fine shops and not near as much variety as those in London but one could always find almost everything they were looking for if they knew exactly where to look.

The little scented soaps she picked out for Isabella were sold at the counter of the draper's shop, there was a little stand with different variety, all very pretty and not overpowering in their scent. Her favorites were the Lemon Verbena, Orange Blossom and Rose Petal. She selected a half dozen varieties and had the soaps wrapped in a pretty looking peach-tone linen material that might be repurposed for something later.

Before leaving the shop her eye caught an adorable pre-made series of items in the shop corner caught her eye. Dresses, fancy and smock style, little jackets, even the littlest of hats and bonnets and gemstone barrettes perfect for hair like Bella's. Once again she picked out her own favorites, material, ribbon, and pattern-wise for Bella and then followed with items for Baby Emma, of those she picked one to fit for the present time, and two other sets to fit at a year or so. She asked the shop owner if they could reasonably make up two boy's sets, age 3 and age 6 in the fabric textures her husband often selected—anything stylish and comfortable would suffice, in whichever pattern they favoured at the store and if it could be done in the same day. He promised that they could do it and he didn't look at all flummoxed about the challenge of it.

She saw her parcel as it already stood was sizeable and told the store she would either have it delivered to Donwell once the boys' sets were done, if they could spare a driver or she would send a driver from Donwell to collect it just before the shop closed for the evening.

It was all very restorative and cleansing of one's mind to search out gifts for others—especially when you could envision their reactions.

Thinking about their reactions, she determined that they all needed toys and candy as well. The furniture store always had toys of various sorts in the front window. Emma selected an adorable soft plush sheep for baby Emma and a set of four battledore rackets and shuttlecocks for Henry –as well as a toy solider that came unassembled to allow the child to build it and place their own stamp on it—the uniform could be changed to reflect different ranks by swapping out the torso and other faces, mainly with different hair colours or mustaches could be purchased. For little George, she selected a stuffed bear and a box of tabletop wooden needle pins and three wooden balls, and she had the notion that the parents would likely ensure his bowling with them was in the back garden and not in the house as suggested by the tabletop name of the game. And for Bella she selected a drawing set—which might have been a little too mature and would require tremendous supervision and a craft project that allowed for natural objects to be set in plaster and molds to be made for clays or soaps, which would need much supervision as well. From the general store she bought the children a variety of seeds to plant next year and miniature garden tools so they might help and learn about the process. From the candy section of the store she also picked out parcels of candy for each child, in accordance with their age and chewing ability—naturally littlest Emma was excluded and for George she selected soft marshmallow candies.

She was very content about her purchases as she sent for them to be rounded up in the afternoon, while she penned notes to each child.

It felt almost like Christmas morning when the driver brought all of the collected packages. Emma spent time looking at each of the items again, smiling before wrapping them in choice papers she felt each child would enjoy most.

"Oh they are adorable!" she exclaimed seeing the little boy's outfits for the first time. Little dress shirt and jacket with small button-up pants and the colours chosen looked so much like the indigo tone her husband favored, in a nearly identical texture too, the jacket sleeve was almost like his own velvet in her hands.

"Is that the stockpile of gifts? Goodness Emma, did you leave anything behind in the shop? And moreover will there be any room at all in the carriage for my trunk?"

"Well, it might only mean you are relegated to a smaller trunk meaning you might not stay for very long," she offered with smiling eyes, hoping he would take it in the correct way.

He chuckled and she breathed a sigh of relief—she hadn't known really if she'd be allowed to tease him or if it was too raw still and thus unwise.

"Feel how soft this little coat jacket is," she told him, holding out the object to him. She planned to ignore it all—ignore that he was leaving and ignore that it should have forced her to behave differently. She didn't want to behave differently –who was she if not herself –she didn't know how to be static or how to be reserved and self-contained.

"Incredibly soft, Henry will be very dapper in it," he acknowledged.

"And little George too, his set is identical but smaller—and I can't help but think they'll look exactly like their handsome uncle as their father tend to favour greys, blacks and beige tones," she explained.

He met her eyes, but didn't acknowledge anything verbally.

"If you were to wear your navy set with the gold buttons and take them to the park, all of London would think they were your own children," she told him and she didn't like the shift in his expression which looked not upset in the sense of angry but perhaps another emotion she couldn't fully name, so she changed the subject swiftly—"Not the park with the duck pond mind you—I can just imagine it now, little Georgie getting his new pants covered in grass and goose poo," she laughed at first.

Then she winced at the idea of the little boy getting completely dirty, and the efforts the servants would have to right it and shook her head, changing the topic again, "it is important to me that the children see the gifts are from both of us. I will give you an explanation of each of the gifts –which I should have thought to do before wrapping most of them," she told him.

She pulled a pink papered box and a mint green one with yellow polka-dots from the pile "This is a stuffed bear for George," she said as she motioned to the green polka-dotted package, "And this is a drawing set for Bella—they are all labeled of course but I cannot have you looking surprised when Henry thanks you for the toy solider or the battledore rackets!"

"Very well," he agreed.


She'd not imagined it would be this hard.

Saying goodbye.

Goodbye to her husband.

Goodbye to her friend-for they were still that weren't they?

Of course they were. He just needed some time to miss her and to remember that.

And he would miss her—he'd have no choice and she knew it because she already missed him even thinking on the idea of him being away and when the tension was increased to pull a string tight so that it stretched tight, it was not only one side that felt the strain but both.

Despite the teasing the night before everything fit, his trunk and the trunk of gifts.

"I didn't think to get anything for John. I mean I thought about it. I saw a box of ink and a pen set and it was the only thing I could think that he might actually use but then he likely has many and if he is anything like you he would already have the one pen that he already likes better than the others, so naturally he would always be using that one and any new pen would certainly be sent to the very back of the queue. " She took a deep breath, "All that to say, can you pick something up for your brother? It does not need to be extravagant. I only got my sister some soaps and some dainty cookies,"

"Of course, I'll pick him up and malt or scotch of some type and that will likely for far more enjoyed than pen ink," he told her.

"Might I hug you before you leave?" she asked and it seemed so strange to ask it for normally she would just do whatever it was that she wished to do and it was always so much more natural.

He nodded and said nothing about the servants that were watching them.

She wasted no time on hesitation pulling herself close to him. She hadn't expected her whole form to feel very much like calves foot jelly the moment she latched on to him in a hug. She pressed her nose and mouth next to his neck and shoulder where his collar and cravat met and she hated that the cravat was so in the way but took in his warm scent anyways.

"Please hold me," she told him, and he did not comply as instantaneously as she might have expected once.

She felt as if she might cry and felt the fullness of the wobbly sensation that oft accompanies an overwhelming surge of emotion.

"Please hold on to me George," She re-iterated, tears were threatening then and she wasn't sure she'd be able to leave him and return to the house without causing a scene. "I feel lightheaded and unstable and I need you, just for a moment—just until I have my bearings," she promised.

He did listen then, his arms encircling her and pulling her tight to him and she felt almost as if all the air left her chest but in a good way.

"Thank you," she murmured, trying to calm her breathing so it came out steady again.

She wanted to tell him how much she loved him and how impossibly wonderful it felt to be in his arms, safe and secure but knew to do it would likely end this moment faster than she could blink and she wasn't sure how much longer she had or how long a duration would transpire between this moment and one like it, so instead her efforts were dedicated to preserving every detail as best she could. How his arms felt surrounding her, how it felt to have her chest pressed against his, perfectly safe- as if braced to withstand anything. The warmth of holding another person so close and the unique smell of cedarwood and what she could only classify as apple orchard—as she knew not the combinations that configured to make it but that it was earthy like greenery and distinctly a property of the fields of Donwell orchard.

"I'll have to let you go now or I'm certain to cry," she told him, moving to relax her grip, and mentally cautioning her legs that they needed to stand firm on their own strength now.

"I don't want that, you know I'd never wish that," he told her.

She took a full step back so that her eyes could trace his face, and seeing his sincerity she allowed her hand to do the same, a simple caress along his jaw, "I know, which is why I will try very very hard not to miss you" she promised him, letting her hand drop against her skirts again. She smiled, somewhat forced but not fully, because there was joy in the prospect, "And I'll trust that you'll return to me as quickly as possible, having enjoyed our relations but noticing how positively unexciting your life is with me absent from it. Oh and of course if that isn't enough, then at least I'll have all of Donwell—its grand halls, fields, fresh air and open skies on my side as well to compel you back to this place,"

She took another full step back, "To safe travels and your health," she said with a curtsy, as if he was a common acquaintance, for she knew no other way to go about it and he almost wished she wouldn't have as it diminished the hug she had given him moments before where she felt almost boneless in his arms.

"I'll let you know when I've arrived," he promised, for he knew no other way to go about it either, and noted she was blinking away tears.

"Of course," she agreed, curtsying again before turning her back on him and climbing the steps back to the front of the house as quickly as she could.


Hi all,

Thank you all for the kind reviews this week-they have honestly meant so much and uplifted my spirits so many times-you all can't know how thankful I am. It feels the world is a complete mess and yet there is so much to still be grateful for. I hope each of you is safe and not feeling too strained under everything that is going on.

I wish this chapter was longer but it is all that I have at the moment and I thought I would share it sooner rather than later.

As always tell me what you think about this chapter!