There is absolutely no way in hell I could ever thank you guys enough. Not just for reading and reviewing and all that jazz, but for supporting me when I really need it. I have legit cried at some of the messages you guys send, and the whole phenomenon is just unbelievable to me. Thank you all so much.

Anyway, this chapter was exhausting in about seven different ways and I think I may have shaved a few years off my life, but here we are! All aboard the drama train. Choo choo.


The Loudest Silence

Chapter Twenty-Three


'I have to tell you something.'

I must have lost my mind.

That's it. That has to be what happened. Something in my brain short-circuited at Thorin's words, at the thought that I wouldn't have to carry this all on my own. The thought that, no matter how insane the truth was, I might have someone here who could help me deal with the reality of what I was living.

The idea of unleashing some of this burden onto Thorin was a terrifying one, as it could very easily set this quest on a crash course, but at his offer of assistance, I knew I didn't want to do this by myself. I didn't know who else I would possibly turn to other than him, either. He was the one who wanted answers. He was the one who deserved to know why his family's map was on my arm. Telling anybody else before him would be wrong. Besides, if anyone could handle this potentially life-altering information, it was Thorin Oakenshield. Right?

"What is it?" he asked, almost wary, as we stood in the hallway still. It was like he could tell I was about to drop some kind of bomb.

The pain of biting my lip eventually reached me through my cloud of anxiety, forcing me to let up before I pierced skin. How was I supposed to begin this conversation? What do I even say? How much should I say? I had already decided that revealing too much prior to crossing the Misty Mountains could result in catastrophe, so where should I draw the line?

There was one thing I already knew, though; If I told Thorin the truth, I wanted it to stay between us for the time being. Not because I didn't trust the others or anything, but rather because I wasn't sure I wanted them to know right now, if ever. My reasoning was probably really selfish and slightly morbid, as it centered around the possible failure of my mission, because if the others knew about my knowledge of the future and the Line of Durin did indeed get wiped out, then… Surely to God, they would all hate me. They would have to.

But if Thorin knew, and truly kept the secret for me? He would literally take the information to his grave.

The thought made me a little ill.

'Promise first,' I requested. 'Promise if I tell you, it stay secret for now?'

With no desire to spook me back into my shell of mysteries right when it seemed he was finally going to get real answers, Thorin gave me a long look – like he was weighing the value of his word for a promise against the possible weight of my information. In the end, of course, he wanted to know more than anything.

"For now," he agreed, dipping his chin with a serious note. There was an unspoken policy in there, pertaining to his earlier words about possibly endangering the Company or the quest, and it made me a little nervous for obvious reasons, but I wouldn't have expected any less. At least this would afford me some time.

By now, he knew what I wanted when it came to promises. I had been handing them out like candy since I got here, after all. I didn't have to prompt him, for his hand came up the same time mine did, our pinkies latching together in a familiar motion. It was almost reassuring when my hand was shaking so much and yet his didn't waver, with me initiating the small squeeze of our digits, and him allowing it to purposefully last until my hand wasn't quivering as badly. The gesture was a comfort I didn't expect, so I was all the more grateful for it. Apparently he read this on my face as I relaxed slightly and we dropped our hands.

As I was trying to find the words to begin this utter insanity, Thorin waited patiently. He had waited a month or so already, so five minutes wasn't exactly going to break the deal.

'I told that I had heard of Galadriel. Stories,' I signed to start with. 'Story part is… true. But from a book. Books.' I corrected the plural with a small wobble of my head, my mouth feeling like cotton as my hands started getting clammy.

My companion had no clue where this was going. Understandable.

'She is not…' Oh man, was I getting enough oxygen? I didn't feel like I was getting enough oxygen. 'She is not the only one from books.'

I hesitated to meet his gaze for any length of time, but I could practically feel the stare becoming more perceptive, trying to pick out all my unconscious signals and decipher them in his calculated way.

'My home has books of Middle Earth. Books have Galadriel as a character in story. A… made up story. Fiction,' I said as my hands shook. 'Stories also had Gandalf. And Bilbo. And Company. And…' When my sweaty palms refused to continue, I finally brought my eyes up, very purposefully meeting his gaze, not only to convey the next person I was going to list, but also to see how he was reacting so far.

Thorin looked… perplexed. Not like I had delivered some Earth-shattering revelation, but more like if your friend were to start talking about having seen a One-eyed, One-horned, Flying Purple People Eater.

Of course. In all my fretting this morning, I hadn't accounted for the fact that he wouldn't believe me.

"If you are joking, then your humor leaves something to be desired, Miss Hollander," said Thorin, brows still not quite at a scowling level.

It was my turn to frown, however, realizing this was not going how I expected. What I expected was shock, or anger, or… I don't know! But I didn't expect this weird indifference as he worried over my sanity!

'You were character in story. Story book about quest,' I continued, some of my nervousness being replaced with consternation.

"In case it escaped your notice, I am not a character in a story book – Nor is Gandalf, or Mister Baggins. I've no idea what you have yourself convinced of, but unless you are willing to tell the truth, we are finished here," he stated, his tone firm, though still calm, as if he was genuinely concerned that I might be running a fever or something.

As Thorin began to turn away, I nearly tripped over myself trying to remain in front of him, essentially just switching places as he took a step back in surprise at my persistence.

'Quest for Erebor is a story at my home! Middle Earth is in story books!' I tried again. 'It is how I know Dwarf history, but no Dwarves back home. It is how I know of Smaug and quest before we ever met!'

That frown was definitely present by now, and it was like he was debating about whether or not I was crazy. On one hand, my entire presence had been bizarre from the beginning and anything less than a bizarre explanation would have seemed wrong. On the other hand, there was a line he had to draw at what he was able to believe. I mean, who could blame him? I was not about to attempt explaining movies at the moment, either. That was a whole other barrel of monkeys to wrestle with, and only after I got past the current problem. If I could get him to believe books, we would worry about the mind-boggling witchcraft of films at a later date.

"You gave your word that you would tell the truth, and this is not a matter to be taken lightly," Thorin restated, like I had truly lost my marbles. I could see it though – he knew I was telling the truth already, he just didn't know how. I was a horrible liar and he knew my nervous habits by now, plus he knew how to read people in general, so this was a whole new debacle.

Even though I sounded like a maniac, I had to go on. If I backed down now, I would probably never work up the courage to try again. 'I have read the book. The story. I knew Bilbo would leave the handkerchief, but you did not know how I knew. And the map… The book has picture of the map. A drawing. It is how I have the map on my arm. You wanted truth – I am telling the truth. How else do you explain these things if not?' I responded, surprised my hands were listening to me well enough to speak that much.

"I do not know else how to explain it, but that cannot possibly be the truth. You expect me to believe our entire world is from a story book, when it is here, plainly for you to see? That our quest is a tale from your land when it has not even happened yet?" he asked with more strictness and a vague gesture at our surroundings.

'YES,' I motioned strongly, without hesitation.

Seeming taken aback by my unwavering certainty in the matter, when I was usually so timid and unsure of everything, Thorin didn't know what to make of my 'truth'. The gears were turning, the engine room in his brain a flurry of activity, I was sure. On one hand, it would explain some things, but – but on the other hand… It was insane. He stood up a little straighter and his expression became more severe, realizing in the midst of his doubt, he had lost his officious stance.

A little more calmly, I added, 'It is how I know things, yet am not seer. I did not lie to you. I do not want to.'

Thorin stared at me for a while, putting more pieces together as his gaze went right through my soul, and said in an almost tired way, "Surely you understand how ridiculous this sounds?"

I raised my brows together and nodded in a 'yeah, no kidding' way, basically pleading with him at this point.

Shaking his head, he disagreed with the entire concept again. "My actions and choices are my own. We are not part of some preordained course written in a book."

Pursing my lips, I gave a small exhale through my nostrils, knowing this was a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around.

"It does not make any sense," he huffed, crossing his arms and glancing around for a moment with a look of concentration.

When his eyes landed back on me, I simply said, 'You are right. It does not.'

Thorin seemed to glare a little bit more at that and became more skeptical than ever. "If we are indeed storybook characters, then how did you come to be here? How could the Valar send you to our world if it does not exist according to yours?"

In a rather ungraceful, partially panicked move, I fanned my arms out in the biggest shrug I could muster. Did he think I was not also super confused about this scenario? I was the one talking to a fictional Dwarf King!

Sighing through his nose at my lack of information on the matter, Thorin shook his head as one does when dealing with someone you know has to be wrong, but don't want to bother arguing with anymore. This was going nowhere fast, but I had a few more cards to throw on the table.

'Balin was with you when Smaug attacked,' I said, trying to pull random shit from my memory. There was a brief question in Thorin's eyes, to which I responded, 'No, he did not tell me. I know from story. I know you pulled him from way of fire, behind pillar.'

Thorin's stare became less focused, seeming to recall the memory himself to check against my words. His frown turned to one of confusion and partial disbelief when he realized I was telling the truth.

Rooting around in my data banks was oddly hard with those eyes on me, but I found another one regardless. A better one. 'I know… You met Gandalf at Prancing Pony before quest. It was… raining. Before Gandalf came, there were two men. They looked… bad. You thought maybe going to attack? But Gandalf sat down at table and men did not do anything. Gandalf showed you bounty written in Black Speech. He was the one who said to take back mountain. To take back home while you have the chance. Said you need a burglar...'

I slowed my hand motions to a stop when I noticed this had worked quite a bit better. At the very start of the spill, Thorin still appeared suspicious and uneasy, but over the course of it, his eyes grew a little wider and his frown gradually changed to an almost stunned expression. I would have reveled in the fact that this was now the second time I had caused his mouth to come open just a smidge in surprise, but he was already recovering in order to secure his expression more. It was testament to how much he was caught off guard that I was still able to see the uncertainty in his eyes.

"How…? I informed very few of that meeting – and told not a soul of the Men," Thorin said, half to himself, it seemed, as he uncrossed his arms. He grasped for some other explanation. "Did the wizard mention this to you?"

Seeing as how he already knew the answer, my small head shake was basically pointless, though I gave one anyway out of courtesy. No, Gandalf hadn't told me jack.

It was my turn to be patient as Thorin soaked in this information, trying to decide how to approach this when everything I said was both crazy and true.

"Hypothetically, even if I were to believe this for one single moment," he reasoned, trying to run with it for my sake, "there are still far too many… implications. Things that would never…"

As he trailed off in thought, looking troubled, and I began worrying. Um… Implications? I waited for him to put more of the puzzle together as I grew very still.

"The story from your world – the tale of our quest. It is complete? The entirety of our journey is in a book you claim to have read?" Thorin summarized.

My nervousness was returning as my posture turned awful, but I nodded. Here we go…

"So, while you do not have Sight in the typical way, this means you are still privy to what awaits us. This would mean you've known what was going to happen before ever it had."

I'm sure there was a metric ton of guilt written across my forehead right then. It only grew worse as he read the answer on my face, his own expression shifting at the same time. I could see when the realization hit him, and he started to believe a little more, but I could also see him trying to find a loophole. Something in my admission that would prove me innocent of this new suspicion. Like he didn't actually want this to be the truth, more so than before.

Of course, there were no loopholes. I was being honest. Like a moron.

Thorin's tone was too low. "If so, you would have known to warn us of the Trolls."

Yeah. About that.

My automatic reaction was to cringe in on myself slightly as I dropped my gaze to the side. I couldn't meet his eyes, my face scrunched with regret, and I began to pick at my sleeves anxiously.

The sudden hush was deafening. Forget the fact that there were birds chirping cheerily everywhere outside the building, the sun shining down with glee. The silence between us might as well have been nails on a chalkboard.

"So you did know." It wasn't a question, Thorin's tone composed of a quiet rumble I wished I would never have to hear aimed at me. "That is why you behaved so strangely that night. It was not your worry over Gandalf's departure – it was because you knew what would happen?"

I bit my lip. That was the only answer needed.

"You knew, and yet allowed the ponies to be stolen? Allowed my Company to be caught by Trolls regardless?" he asked, becoming harsh as his former patience disappeared in the wake of my admission.

My hands fluttered in front of me as I started words, but couldn't think of anything comprehensible.

Seeing no denial of the allegation – because it was, well, true – Thorin seemed to become yet more dumbstruck at the circumstances. "Were you trying to get us all killed, Miss Hollander? Whether or not your information came from a book, if you knew of the Trolls, why did you not think to warn us?"

My mouth fell open hopelessly and I began to sign again, 'No one was to get –'

He came to another realization just as quickly, ignoring my hands, "Then you knew we were being tracked by an Orc pack, as well? That Wargs would be on our heels! You knew we would have two Men after us, on top of this?"

I began to shake my head frantically at that, finally meeting his eyes. God, he was livid. Probably betrayed, from his view point. Honestly this was the first time his anger had really been geared at me, and I didn't like it one bit. I felt like the crappiest human being alive. It was already so hard to gain his trust. Was this the end of what little I had earned?

Trying to speak with shaking hands was difficult. 'I did not about Men – the men were… they were my fault. They were not meant to be there.'

"What does that mean, Miss Hollander?" he demanded.

'They would not have saw you, if not for running into me. In Bree, they were not to ever meet you. It was not part of the story. I… I am not part of story,' I explained anxiously.

The last part did not stick in his current state, and he focused instead on, "The Men were the only thing you did not know of? So you still knew of the Orc pack?" His tone conveyed the 'How is that any better?' without the actual question.

A small nod from me, wishing I could just vanish into the floor.

His anger melded with confusion once more as he flared his nostrils and began to pace. The hallway didn't provide much room for his pacing though, keeping his pent up frustration from having a proper outlet. "Do you have any idea what could have happened? How easily everything could have been lost? The quest – our lives?"

I began shaking my head again, and he misconstrued it, but I quickly raised my hands to say, 'Would not have died. No danger. Company would not have been hurt.'

"No danger?" Thorin stopped his pacing to ask incredulously. "Unless I'm mistaken, you yourself were nearly devoured by a Warg, Miss Hollander – how can you say there was no danger?"

When I thought of the teeth and the terrifying eyes, I became frustrated and tried to straighten up my cowardly posture. 'Not me! You! Company! Would have been fine! In book the Company was fine! Men were my fault! Bofur was not meant to get in fight with Men. So Bofur was not meant to get hurt.'

"What?" Thorin asked, more out of frustration than anything. "What are you saying?"

'I changed the story!'

There was a pause in the Dwarf's rampage, making a very difficult attempt at understanding my explanation in the midst of his anger. Trying to figure out what the hell would prompt me – the seemingly harmless girl – to endanger her new friends when she could have apparently prevented several enemy encounters.

'Bofur stayed behind for me during Trolls. If I had not been here, Bofur would have gone. Would have stayed safe with Company. Saved by Gandalf. No Men would have come for bounty, because they would not have seen you in Bree. I am not character in the story.'

Though Thorin was still mad, and his scowl had not subsided, he appeared to be at least thinking again. He crossed his arms once more, as if he was keeping his temper at bay with this motion.

'Your story of quest – it does not have me. I am… outside of…' Urgh, how the hell was I supposed to explain this?! 'Outside of rules. Not stuck to path. Things have started to change when I did not mean them to.'

A long moment passed while he reviewed what he had learned, meeting my gaze. His eyes were not soft by any means, and I could tell I was not forgiven yet, but maybe not all hope was lost. "Such as?" he asked sharply.

'The map,' I answered. Another pause followed as this processed.

"It was not meant to burn," he deduced on his own, like he had already been considering something in the same vein of thought, and glanced away to line this information up with what he knew. A look back to me. "And you say the Men were never meant to follow our Company? They were only aware of us because of your run-in at Bree?"

I nodded as he began to understand, finally, what I was trying to say. 'Map was meant to be read here. You were meant to let Elrond read in moonlight.'

"So the Elves would have known either way," Thorin seemed to grumble resentfully.

While waiting for him to continue, I dared to ask hesitantly, 'So you… believe me?'

Honestly, he looked a little dumbfounded again. "I'm not certain what to believe right now, but what purpose would it serve you to lie about something of this nature? How would it benefit you to admit knowing of the Trolls and the Orcs if there wasn't a grain of truth to it?" Thorin asked, his expression turning odd, as if he was questioning his own sanity for considering any of this.

He had a point. It was risky even saying anything about it at all, so why would I claim to have known unless I was just off my rocker, rolling around in death wishes? The logic made me nod a little absent-mindedly as I watched the man in front of me.

Thorin shook his head, something still bothering him deeply, as he stared right at me and asked in a bitter tone, "Why did you not tell us of the Trolls? Or that we were being hunted? Regardless of whether or not anyone was meant to be injured in your story, why would you not warn us? According to you, the Valar sent you here with this knowledge, so why did you not make use of it? Does loyalty mean nothing in your world?"

With a shuddering breath, suddenly very tired despite it only being around noon, I gave my head a small shake and reiterated morosely, 'I knew Company would be safe. Should have been. It was not good and I am sorry, but… I am afraid to change too much yet. I have to be careful.'

He scoffed at that. "Careful? What are you being careful of by letting an Orc pack corner us?"

'Chain… reaction. Change one thing, the rest will change too. Story will play out too different and I will not know future any longer,' I tried to explain, getting a slight headache. 'I only know one… version of the future. One path. If I push us to different path before time, I will not know how to help Company when you really need it.'

Thorin also looked done with this conversation, which was no surprise considering all that I had just dumped on him. However, this last bit caught his attention the most, and he inquired, "You've said before that the Valar chose you to join us on this quest, so what else is involved? Are you not meant to help us navigate the perils of our journey, if you already know every obstacle that stands between us and Erebor?"

'That is not main reason why I was sent, but… I do want to help if can without messing up future,' I offered, because it was true. Technically I wasn't sent to change anything but the dreadful outcome of the final battle, but I really did want to do what I could if it didn't doom Middle Earth.

"And a fine job of helping you've done so far," he said scathingly, his ire returning. "If you say that is not your mission, why are you here? What do you mean when you speak of 'pushing us to a different path before time'? Is there something amiss with our current alleged course?"

The inquiry was veering into territory that I didn't know how to deal with, and I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I couldn't think when he was like this, when there was so much more pressure.

"I have the right to know if my Company is heading into danger. Does the Orc pack locate us once more? You must tell me if you have such information, if you know when next we will be hunted –"

Scrunching my eyes closed, I finally just shook my head wildly for him to stop. When I opened my eyes again, I signed quickly, 'I cannot!'

"Then of what use are you on this quest?" he snapped.

I physically recoiled without meaning to, my hands frozen in the midst of signing.

With my sudden reaction, Thorin seemed more aware of what he'd said, his brows furrowing in a bit of a contrite way. While my decision to keep the Trolls and the Orc pack a secret was beyond brainless in his eyes, I don't think he was fully able to equate 'pudgy potato girl' with 'malicious turncoat' or this likely wouldn't even have phased him.

Of course, I didn't get to examine his expression too closely, because then there was a vague blur. I began blinking rapidly and my airway felt kind of thick, and... Ah, yes. Good. I was starting to cry. Awesome.

I turned my head away slightly so he wouldn't see, even though it was super obvious what was happening. All of my former doubts had come flooding back. Some part of me was angry that he would offer his help and then get mad when I told the truth, while the other part kind of got why he would be mad. By all means, the Company was in a life or death situation not but a few days ago. They legit thought they were going to have to fight for their lives. The fact that I couldn't change it without potentially messing up everything prior to the Misty Mountains was not great, but… what the fuck, man.

I tried to clear my throat by swallowing. It sounded so loud in my ears, but a few moments later, there was a different noise in the hallway. A heavy sigh made me look up, and I didn't care enough to try and stop the little traitorous tears that slid down my cheeks because everything was stupid.

Thorin's arms were partially crossed, with one hand having come up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he scowled with closed eyes, and the other hand holding his elbow, while he gave a quiet mutter of something sharp in Khuzdul. He maintained this stance for a long moment, until finally dropping his arms. There was no immediate eye contact, and I could tell he was still quite conflicted about the whole situation as he started to speak.

"Miss Hollander…"

The sound of approaching footsteps killed any kind of anything that was about to come out of Thorin's mouth, because apparently my life was made of appropriately-timed interruptions now.

"Ah, here they are!" came Kili's familiar voice, but from the boots, I could tell without even looking that his brother was probably with him.

With my back to them, I quickly snuck my sleeves up to my face and wiped off the excess tears before I turned around, though it wasn't nearly stealthy enough.

They slowed to a stop in front of us, picking up on the mood immediately, whether it was from my own troubled state or Thorin's. Fili was indeed with his sibling, glancing between their uncle and myself, his former casual smile waning a bit. "Everything alright?"

Keeping my eyes averted so I wouldn't draw attention to my blatantly watery eyes, I nodded and gave the worst fake smile ever, hoping they wouldn't ask. Of course, I was also hoping Thorin's promise would remain despite the insanity that I had just revealed.

There was nothing to be concerned about, it seemed. Though he was likely still very angry and confused, Thorin answered simply, for the both of us, "Aye. Was there something you needed?"

The brothers didn't quite appear convinced, but they didn't really want to stick their noses into the drama when it was obvious that neither of us wanted to share. Once they knew no explanation was going to be given, they answered.

"We were merely coming to remind you of lunch," Kili said. "The others have nearly finished already."

Ah, right. 'Thank you,' I signed briefly, staring at my hands instead.

"Of course. We wouldn't want our lady and our very own uncle to starve just because our companions have no patience when it comes to food," Fili tried to joke with us. The attempt at lightening the palpable foul mood they had walked in on was appreciated, but ultimately fell flat.

Thorin informed them in a dour way, "We'll be there momentarily."

The young Dwarves could notice a lost cause when they saw one, both of them nodding. However, I was just wondering what the hell Thorin meant by we.

There was a pause as the boys kept staring, making me uncomfortable.

"Your face! How did it heal so quickly?" Kili suddenly exclaimed, as if he had been trying to figure out what was different about me besides the watery eyes.

I was befuddled for a second, until I remembered what transpired while I slept last night. What was an easy answer to that? I thought for a moment, finally just saying, 'Elves.'

With an 'oh' look, they nodded slowly, glancing at each other then back to us.

My ensemble seemed to also catch Kili's attention, causing him to ask, "You are planning to change before eating, yes?"

I looked down, remembering that I was still in my nightgown. While my hoodie made great coverage for the top half, I'm sure it was still some level of inappropriate to run around in night clothes here. No pajama parties in Middle Earth if you're a girl, I guess.

'I will go get dressed,' I said, sliding past the young princes before Thorin could object to my departure.

I didn't even try to pay attention as I fled to the guest room, tossing off my hoodie once I had the door shut behind me so I could toss off my nightgown as well. That niggling doubt was working its way back into my brain while I threw on my pants and my t-shirt, forcing me to stack a mental brick wall – I had already crawled my way back out of this exact same hole, dammit. I might fall back down it one day soon, but not right now. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Stupid Valar, stupid Middle Earth, stupid – stupid Thorin!

If Thorin thought I was useless, then that was his opinion. As long as I could still go on the quest, then it was irrelevant. He was probably going to hate me after we crossed the Misty Mountains, maybe even finally boot me from the Company, but that was fine. I'd just figure something else out. Bilbo had to find the One Ring or everything was fucked regardless, so what Thorin thought of me didn't matter.

(But it totally did for some reason. I didn't want it to, but it did, because he was strong and brave and honorable, though maybe Not Great when it came to dealing with otherworldly explanations of fate and paths – again, who would be though – and in the end he just wanted to keep his family and friends safe. I wanted him to trust me because I was pretty sure I trusted him already, but did that mean I was naïve or he was just harder to befriend or both maybe? What difference did it make since he would probably never trust me again, urgh yeah no don't think about that –)

Not that it mattered.

When I reached for my whistle to place back around my neck, I remembered that the cord was broken and I deflated a little. My brief steamroller mindset seemed to die a bit with this pause in movement. I put the whistle in the pocket of my sweats, feeling drained and honestly quite hungry, not even bothering to straighten out my bed head before leaving to join the others.

Of course, as Fili and Kili had said, most of them were already finished by then. The tables were in disarray, with plates and leftover vegetables scattered about in random places – the obvious sign that they had been here. The brothers themselves were downing the last remnants of some bread they had abandoned in order to come find myself and Thorin. Speaking of which…

There were all of four people left, once Fili and Kili departed as well. One of them was Thorin, one of them was me – who purposefully took a seat at the other table – and the two seated next to each other between us were Ori and Dori.

"I told you it would taste fine with some vinegar," Dori said to his younger sibling.

Ori poked forlornly at the salad before him, like he didn't want to like it, but couldn't really disagree. "I suppose…"

"See? Miss Jenna understands how important the greens are," Dori continued, gesturing to me briefly with his fork.

I gave a lame wave back with my own utensil, glancing at the Ri brothers.

Ori perked up a little, giving a smile as he said, "Your face looks much better, Miss Jenna. It's healed quite fast."

My own return smile was pitiful, but I tried.

Dori started mumbling something about Elf magic, and my eyes flicked past them unconsciously, connecting with the gaze of the last person in Middle Earth I wanted to think about right then. I rapidly returned my stare to the salad before me instead of Thorin.

With that motion, there was an awareness of the tension on the patio that hadn't been there before. It was obvious when Dori and Ori figured out something was up. They didn't say another word, eating a little too quickly, with the eldest brother ushering the other out of the area once they'd finished.

In my attempt to also scarf down my food and leave as soon as possible, I may or may not have choked on a cherry tomato. When I had to spit it back on my plate and cough a little, that was when I realized there was no saving this horribly awkward meal, and avoided all eye contact – even though I know Thorin was staring at the idiot who just choked on a salad – as I left the vicinity in a rush.


"No, no, no – don't let go so late, or you'll wind up impaling your foot," Fili laughed, picking up the knife and handing it back to me again.

"Or you'll throw it backwards somehow," Kili murmured as he moved from behind where we were standing.

"Aye, brother – that's not the best place to be," agreed Fili.

We had been training for a while in the same yard as before, getting more practice with daggers in. Though we had still been using sticks for the actual fighting, another brief comment about throwing knives had brought about their sudden urge to try teaching me this, and to allow me to get familiar with the feel of a real dagger before trying to use it in combat. Throwing them was more for kicks than anything, as they prefaced the small side session with the fact that I should never throw away my weapon, because I would wind up basically giving it to the enemy and render myself defenseless.

"Or… more defenseless," Kili had chuckled playfully, earning another stick chunked at his face.

The lesson was still interesting, even if my mood was rather off the whole time. I'm glad I at least had enough sense to change into boots again prior to practice, seeing as how the knife had slipped out from between my fingers several times now. There was a tree Kili had marked for us with an 'X', though honestly after several attempts, I barely even manage to hit the skinny tree at all, much less the specific mark.

With their usual astuteness, they knew I was still off my game. I was already uncoordinated, but the level of clumsiness I kept displaying was the result of something else.

When nothing had been said for a long while and evening was setting in, Kili spoke up, trying to sound casual. "So… What was it that you and Uncle talked about earlier?"

I purposefully tried to focus on throwing the knife rather than answering.

"It seemed important," he continued, seeming to think on what could possibly have upset me. "Are you still doing alright after what happened?"

Giving a small nod, I turned to offer him a look that conveyed that wasn't what was wrong.

Though Fili hadn't spoken while he retrieved the knife, he was paying close attention to the conversation and said when he came back, "Thorin appeared upset as well. Did the two of you have an argument?"

I bit my lip and scowled, throwing the knife a little harder. It still didn't stick to the tree.

"I shall take that as a yes," Fili murmured, going to get the dagger.

Kili then asked in slight perplexity, "What could you have possibly had a disagreement over?"

A little curtly, I told them, 'Quest things. Do not ask.'

And so they didn't.

Dinner came around and with it, a few more comments on my face and its miraculous recovery, ultimately being chalked up to Elven healing spells. Oín asked after my arm, and I showed him the scar that remained, earning some raised bushy eyebrows. Like a true healer, he seemed impressed overall though, glad it was finally all fixed up, no matter who did the fixing.

With the entire Company there, it was luckily much harder to pick up on any stress between myself and Thorin as we ate. Though I did see Ori and Dori glancing in our directions every once in a while, and sometimes Fili and Kili, the affair went by without me choking on anymore tomatoes (thank God). No one else seemed to notice anything amiss with Thorin, his stoicism providing a shield against questions, and if they did notice, then they didn't connect it to my own charming levels of tetchiness.

After wards, Fili and Kili sparred a few rounds between themselves in the garden, and I watched for a bit, sitting crossed-legged on the grass. I was lazily tossing the knife into the ground directly in front of me and plucking it back up only to do it again, and I was still doing this when the princes called it quits for the night. Fili allowed me to hold onto his knife for now, though left with a light-hearted warning not to cut my finger off. I just rolled my eyes and gave a goodnight wave.

It was quiet without them, but that was alright. It's not like I wasn't used to silence by now anyway, eh? Eh?

As that dumb joke crossed my mind, I stood and tried throwing the knife at the tree again. While it was at least sticking to the tree for half a second sometimes, the blade would never stay – the angle was either wrong, or I wasn't throwing hard enough, or it spun too many times. The monotony of flinging and fetching would have been annoying if it wasn't such a good distraction, becoming borderline therapeutic.

Finally, on probably the thirteenth attempt since the boys left, the dagger hit the tree at a nice angle and stayed. It wasn't really close to the mark, but hell if I cared, raising my arms in sarcastic enthusiasm. Whoop-dee-freakin-doo!

There was a noise alerting me to someone else's arrival, and I turned hoping maybe Fili or Kili got back up because they forgot something so I could show them what I managed to do. However, it was neither, and I dropped my arms.

My victorious face fell upon spotting Thorin in the entranceway of the yard.

There was no immediate movement from either of us for a while. It felt like a weird stand-off, but with more glumness and less hostility, as neither party knew how to continue after the day's revelations and subsequent discourse. Eventually though, I averted my gaze and lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug, my unconscious signal for 'come on then, I guess'.

Whether due to my silent invitation or because he was tired of waiting, he made his way over, seeming calm enough, and I was looking everywhere but at him until he was only a few feet away. When I glanced up finally, we made eye contact for a brief second before he continued past me and to the tree. I was slightly confused when Thorin plucked the dagger from the bark and returned, until he offered the blade back to me, handle side facing my direction.

I stared at him for a moment, knowing this was some weird way of putting the ball back in my court, as it were. Or maybe just back on the court in general. I don't know – I was never good at sports. Regardless, it was a gesture of some kind that would mean peace again, so I wound up taking the knife anyway.

Nothing was said as I chucked the blade at the tree again and it stuck, retrieving it on my own this time before he had the chance. I could sense that going to get it myself created some sort of concern over whether or not the previous gesture had been wasted. When I came back to stand in front of him and offered the blade back in the same manner though, adding just a small quirk of my head to the side and questioning eyebrows, any worries about the situation were dismissed.

His expression was a little less strained as he gave a brief nod, accepting the proffered weapon. Staring at the tree ahead of us, Thorin appeared to measure the distance and the weight of the knife mentally for a second before also throwing, and while it impaled the tree, it was stuck much too high above the mark.

I turned to him and raised an unimpressed brow.

"A little rusty, it seems," Thorin responded coolly, and I gave a skeptical face. When I began to go get the knife again, he stopped me with a simple, "Miss Hollander."

I waited a good long moment before turning back to face him. Slouching a bit with indecision, I returned to my previous spot beside him, but couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes anymore. Staring at his boots was just fine, right?

"Jenna."

My gaze came up without my say so, and I couldn't tell if it upset me that he used my first name right now or if I actually liked hearing it in a non-panicked environment. Either way, it got my attention, and I assumed that was the point.

Thorin was composed but grave, like he had been thinking it over heavily since the conversation, as he said, "Admitting you knew the danger my Company would face, I see only risk that could have been prevented. Lives that were jeopardized needlessly due to your secrets."

I gave a single, morose nod, trying not to lower my stare to the ground again.

"I've asked for the truth countless times since first we set out, and if this is your truth, so be it," he continued. "While I cannot say I entirely believe we are part of a storybook, I do believe you are here for a reason – and that you would not willingly put the others in a situation if you thought they would be harmed."

The environment relaxed just the tiniest amount, and I perked up at his words because yes. 'You are my only friends here,' I explained simply.

He paused at that, staring at my hands thoughtfully with an expression I couldn't quite figure out. Then he said a bit softly, "My earlier words were careless, and I apologize, but you must understand that my kin and this quest take priority above all else."

'Of course,' I replied in a placid way, just glad that he even apologized to me at all after what I'd done. I mean, calling someone useless kind of paled in comparison to endangering all of your companions knowingly, but that may have just been my opinion. A moment passed and a bit more hesitantly, I added, 'I am also sorry. I just… do not know what I am doing.'

Again, Thorin seemed to consider something as he studied my face, measuring my sincerity and appearing to be alright with what he saw. "Before, I told you not to feel as though you must carry the responsibility of your mission alone. My offer still stands, but I cannot help if I do not know what your mission is," he told me.

I took a deep breath, hoping for this to go smoother than last time, as I signed apologetically as possible, 'I cannot tell you yet.'

There were no actual words, with his eyes narrowing and his head shifting slightly – not in a suspicious way for once, but rather to question 'why not?'.

'The books,' I said in answer, wondering how to explain all this carefully and vaguely. 'Quest is only one book. There are other books that tell a story after some years pass. They take place in future. Because of those books, I know some events in quest cannot be changed, or Middle Earth will be… bad. Very bad. Very...' (Uh, how do I sign 'apocalyptic'?)

"In short, there would be consequences reaching farther than just this quest," Thorin summarized for me, catching on quickly enough.

I nodded, sobering a bit as I continued. 'I can… maybe tell more after we have crossed Misty Mountains.'

"Why the Misty Mountains?" he asked with a slightly furrowed brow.

'Events that cannot be changed,' I told him again. The Dwarf before me started to look wary again at that, and before his frown could deepen, I assured, 'All of the Company will make it across Misty Mountains safe though.'

My statement did the opposite of reassure him, instead insinuating that there was something to be concerned over. I caught this a little too late.

"Is something to happen in the mountains?" he questioned seriously.

I figured honesty with a bit of tip-toeing was the best bet right now, and said, 'A bit of stuff, but will be alright. My mission does not involve Misty Mountains.'

Thorin was intelligent, able to see exactly what I was doing, though I don't know for whose sake it was that he chose to disregard it. "So when is it that your mission begins? May you at least tell me that?"

Nodding first, and then shaking my head while I answered, I said, 'Much much later. Do not worry now.'

"You said before that you could not change our course before it was time," he recalled, then asked, "Will you tell me when that time comes?"

This one was a little harder, and I bit my lip as my eyes drifted to the grass for a second. 'I will tell only after I am done,' I decided, honestly kind of on the spot.

Giving a slight dip of his chin, Thorin exhaled as he said, "Very well."

The yard around us was quiet, even with the white noise of waterfalls and the occasional rustling of leaves in the breeze. I glanced a few different directions, unsure of whether or not I should bring up a new topic, or if we were done and I was just being awkward. At the same time though, it was finally soaking in that someone else here knew the truth besides me, even if they only half believed it. With the tensions no longer flying high, it felt… nice. Better than nice.

I gave a long, slow sigh.

This earned a glance from Thorin, though he wound up looking away again as he wondered, "These books from your world; who wrote them?"

'J.R.R. Tolkien,' I replied simply enough.

"Though you claim your world has no such thing as wizards, are you certain he is not one?" Thorin asked.

A smile worked its way onto my face as I looked to him and said, 'I did not think so, but now I am not sure. Will never know though. Was gone before my time.'

Another slight nod from Thorin. "Did he give the books titles of any sort?"

Obviously I answered yes with a nod of my own, signing, 'There were many different ones. The one with your quest is called The Hobbit.'

I don't think I had ever seen Thorin's face turn so offended in such a short span of time.

The snuffles of light laughter from me were probably not helping, as I tried to explain with a halfway apologetic face, 'Bilbo is main character in book. I am sorry.'

"Of course," Thorin muttered, before he turned to leave and looked at me, his volume returning to normal. "On that, I think I will retire for the evening."

My giggling had died down to just a regular smile thankfully and I signed a quick, 'Goodnight.'

He paused long enough to give a nod that meant the same, then departed from the yard.

Once he was gone, I still had a bit of a smile on my face, glad that my decision to share the truth hadn't ended in catastrophe after all. Though it was a rough start, everything turned out fine. My heart felt lighter than it had since I got to Middle Earth, but I couldn't tell if it was because a little weight was off my back, or if it was because I kept thinking about that deep voice saying my name. Thorin taking time to talk things out with me, apologizing for what he said, trying to understand even when I'm sure I sounded like a lunatic…

I blinked a little, realizing I was still standing in the same place, a tiny flutter in my chest.

Suddenly I was no longer smiling.

Oh boy.


;)

SO. What did we think? Not everything revealed quite yet, because what fun would that be, but we've got some things out in the open now.

I've got to say this was probably the hardest chapter to write so far. Like, we all know Thorin has a temper at times, but it's just so difficult to work with in fanfiction? It would be so easy to make him just… never get mad and just be cool and badass, but that's not? Thorin? I mean, yes he's a badass, but also he has emotions? Strong ones? Especially concerning the safety of the ones he cares about? IDK I'M PROBABLY RAMBLING –

Point is – This Chapter Was A Super Big Challenge and I definitely need feedback on this one. I feel like I say that every time, but dang if I don't mean it every time too. XD

Sadly, I don't really think I'll be updating again before Christmas. I'll be getting married on the 16th, and moving in with my soon-to-be husband, plus I'll be dealing with Christmas itself and all the shopping and family gatherings, and then of course I work too, so YIKES.

If there's no update, then I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. Stay safe and keep warm. :)

Until next time!