I Can See Blood DM x CS
TRIGGER WARNING
I REPEAT TRIGGER WARNING
D.p.o.v
I can see blood all over my hands. I didn't mean to go this far or maybe I did. I just wanted to end it all; I wanted to leave this world behind. No one wants people to hate them, but I found that many people hate my guts all because I took one person's job since he was kicked out and he wasn't getting on with the rest of the band. They want me to die and they're right, I should die. Maybe once I do it then all the hate will stop and no one will care, no one will really mourn me for too long.
I'm in my bedroom, sitting on the floor by my bed with tools beside me. I used a broken pencil sharpener this time. I took the screw out and the blade fell out too. I didn't really want to use the small kitchen knife which I have used before. I haven't made any effort to stop the bleeding; it will stop by itself soon. I don't mind the pain I'm going through, I feel numb at the moment. I could just sit here all day and not move a muscle, I have no plans. My wife left me for a guy she works with and I don't get to see Scarlett until after school tomorrow.
I miss my daughter so much and I hope that Theresa will allow me to see her more often when I am home and the tours aren't going on. I could have Scarlett while Theresa works the long shifts at the hospital. I am Scarlett's father and I know she misses me a lot. Then again if I end it all tonight or after my visit with her then Theresa wouldn't have to complain about when I pick our daughter up. I do have a high paying job which I enjoy so I have to pick her up when I have the time to do it which doesn't always mean when Theresa asks me I can just go and get our child.
I might have cut a little deeper than usual this time. It would have stopped by now. I wasn't too bothered but I know plenty of people who wouldn't be impressed by my recent behaviour change if they knew. I don't eat much, if anything when I am home all on my own. I don't really sleep either anymore and then there is the self-harming issue. They would be so angry at me if they knew all of this was going on. There is a high chance that they wouldn't want me in the band anymore and my career would be over before you could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
All of a sudden, Louie starts barking at the front door. I don't have the energy to get up or go to the front door, so whoever is there will have to either wait for a time where I can get up today or let themselves in. they decide today that they will let themselves in. Louie keeps barking at them. "Louie, shh it's only me," Jordon tells my loyal red English bulldog. I think Louie was trying to tell Jordon something but he wasn't really understanding.
I could hear Louie following Jordon around my house while he was looking for which room I am in. "Danny, are you home?" Jordon calls during his search. I tried to yell but I couldn't, I think part of me didn't want him to find me. I hear his footsteps as he decides to look upstairs for me. "Danny, I saw your truck outside. Are you home?" Jordon asks again and Louie finally leads him into my bedroom. I looked to the doorway and he gasps at the sight of me. "Jesus Danny," he tells me.
He goes to get my first aid kit out of my bathroom. I don't bother moving and Louie stays by my side. Jordon returns a minute later with the first aid kit and a spare towel from my bathroom which he presses to the cuts I have done on my left arm as it was closer to him. I just watch him while he helps me. "You're lucky that you don't need to go to the hospital today," he tells me, making me feel like I have managed to piss him off. I look to the floor. "Sorry Jordon," I mumble.
He cleans and treats the cuts on my left arm but he was careful about sorting the mess I had made on my arm. Then he makes me look into his eyes. "Once I finished cleaning your right arm I want to know why," he tells me. Now he stops the bleeding on my right arm. It gives me some time to think about what I am going to tell Jordon, what my reasoning is behind my actions. I don't feel like he should know everything, he might take me to a mental hospital and I don't want that. He was just as careful with my right arm as he was with my left.
"Danny, please tell me what's going on," Jordon begs. He really wants to know what's wrong with me. "Theresa left me for another man from her work. I don't know what I've done wrong but it was obviously something bad and something wrong," I tell him. Jordon pulls me into a tight hug as I start crying. "You are too good for her Danny, one day you'll find someone who won't leave you," he tells me as he comforts me. I feel Jordon's hand in my hair as I calm down. "But, I am not suitable for anyone Jordon. I'm such a fuck up," I say.
"Danny, I wouldn't say that about you. You are amazing and you have saved this band. We wouldn't be where we are today if it wasn't for you," Jordon tells me. He lifts me up and puts me on my bed. He then cleans up all the things he used to clean and sort out my cuts. Louie jumped up onto the bed and lays down next to me. Jordon came and joined us on the bed. I snuggled into Jordon and Jordon wrapped an arm around me. "Danny will you let me help you? This has been going on too long and you need my help," Jordon asks me.
He has already helped with the cuts on my arms so I don't see why he can't help me. "I guess you can help me," I reply. I am a bit nervous but I've been divorced for about 3 months now and I am really struggling to get over it. I was so in love with her and she threw all my love in my face and I was lucky enough to get a house for Scarlett and I. "Good, I wasn't going to give you a choice really anyway Danny," he tells me. So if I had said no to him he was going to force his help onto me anyway which sends me mixed messages.
We snuggle up to each other for a little while. My phone is constantly going off, people are constantly texting me and liking my posts on social media so this was no concern to me and it was easy to ignore it. I wasn't really hungry either but I could hear that Jordon was. "Dan, I'm going to make dinner. Do you want anything?" he asks me. I shake my head. "I'm not hungry Jord," I answer. He frowned at me but he didn't really make a comment at the time. "You will have to eat something eventually Danny." He tells me after he has eaten his dinner. "I know and I will when I'm hungry," I reply to him. He was not happy with me but I couldn't do anything.
"I'm so sorry Jordon," I tell him after a minute of silence. He put his hand on my cheek. "It's not your fault Danny. She has really broken your heart and now it needs to be fixed," Jordon tells me. He made me some toast and watched me to make sure that I ate all of it. He took the plate from me and cleaned it once I was done. I never left my room while Jordon decided that he was going to take care of my every need. I don't think he would really let me get out of bed anyway, I feel weak from blood loss.
"Where are the others?" I ask, worried in case there was a meeting with the band I was disrupting or studio time. "We don't have work for a few days so they are probably at their houses right now," Jordon tells me. Okay, so I haven't made anyone really disrupt their day. I might have screwed Jordon's day up but it seems like he would have come here anyway. "So I haven't messed anyone's day up," I say and Jordon hugged me tightly. "We would have helped you out anyway. Your health and wellbeing is more important than a few tracks. If the others knew then I am sure that they would help," Jordon tells me.
I get nervous when he mentions the other guys helping me because they could all vote to kick me out and say that it is too much hard work to look after me and help me with my depression. I'm surprised that Jordon is being so caring towards me right now. Out of everyone in the band, Jordon is the one I was least expecting to come and have this level of concern over me. I was really expecting George to come over first since I have hinted at having really dark thoughts in conversations with him before. "George us going to be here soon," he tells me when I stop thinking of them all leaving me.
"I fucked up big time didn't I?" I ask Jordon. I didn't even think that I could look at Jordon at this point. He put his fingers under my chin and made me look at him and I saw his heart break in his eyes. "You haven't fucked up at all. You are going through a really tough time and we are going to help you deal with all of this," he tells me. I've been going through so many emotions today that I was starting to get tired and Jordon noticed this. He started to play with my hair to help me drift off into a sort of peaceful sleep.
~Two Hours Later~ D. ~
George arrived at my house sometime while I was sleeping and he was lying down next to me in the bed. Jordon looked like he had been crying and I knew that somehow I am the reason he cried and I felt like shit. "How did we let this happen George?" Jordon asks the older male. "You know what Danny is like when it comes to asking for help. He isn't keen on it and he gets so guilty when he does have to," George answers, neither of them knowing I am awake now. I could roll with this until they know I am awake. I never meant to hurt anyone; I never meant to upset anyone with what I have done.
This worked for about ten minutes; I am an expert at fake sleeping so they had no idea. I have been fake sleeping around them multiple times and they never knew the difference. They found out when I grabbed my phone for the second time today. The vibrations on the bedside table were starting to drive me crazy. I was reading and answering text messages when George noticed I am awake now. "Hey, Danny," he says and he hugs me gently. I hug him back. "Hey George," I reply. You could tell when you looked at me since I am only in a tank top that I have done something to my arms, I have bandages covering my arms. I have plenty of ways to hide this from the others if they didn't know. I don't even know if George or Jordon have told them on text messages.
I got this text message from Theresa:
Reese: Hey Daniel, are you still up for picking up Scarlett after school tomorrow?
Me: Sure, I have errands to run in the morning and afternoon so I might have to pick her up from yours, is that okay?
Reese: Yeah that's okay; I was going to suggest that because I am going to pack her backpack for you after she gets home because I am at work tonight until 8 am.
: That's fair enough, I know you work hard.. It's a shame we never worked out.
Reese: I know, I have broken your heart and I can't ever justify what I've done.. I'm sorry.
Me: I have things to be sorry about too, I never let you know what was going on with my job but in Lorene drive it was so stressful we never really got a break. It's all sorted now though. Reese: I know, you always deal with this better then I could. I don't think I could do what you do, travel the world with tours having such a short break in between and still be the best dad Scarlett has. I'll see you tomorrow.
Me: Yeah, see you tomorrow.
"No one outside of this house knows," Jordon says, gesturing to my arms when he notices me looking at him. I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I regret it all but the pain made me feel alive when I really felt dead inside. The guys in this room will learn that every time I've been happy around them since she left me is usually a mask unless they genuinely make me laugh or smile. "Hey, I've got a reason for you to carry on living," George tells me, showing me the note that I had written addressed to him.
I was going to end it all after Scarlett's visit is over. "What's your reason?" I ask him. Jordon said nothing but took the note off George and was reading it. "Scarlett, that little girl loves you more than any person she spends time with. She really idolises you and she doesn't want any other man in the world to be her father than you," George answers. It made me think, Scarlett always and I mean always cries and gets upset when our visits are over and she has to leave me and stay with her mother. "I have been really selfish haven't I?" I ask George since Jordon was still reading my note.
"No, you're not selfish Danny. Heartbreak isn't an easy thing to go through and learning you've been cheated on by the woman you love so much is going to hurt like hell," George tells me, grabbing my shoulders like he wants to shake me quite violently but he had tears in his eyes. Jordon was also nearly in tears by the time he was getting towards the end of my note. Everyone in the band and my family has a note, but George had found his first. I left the notes in their houses a while ago and I wasn't expecting it to be found so soon. "Danny, promise us that you'll never actually do this and you'll never leave us," Jordon begs, starting to cry now which made me and George cry as well.
I fell into Jordon's arms and he held me tightly. "I promise," I cry and then I break down sobbing in Jordon's arms. George has his arms around both of us while he cries but he quickly takes on the role of trying to calm the two of us down because we were crying a little harder then him. I am the youngest of the three here and they are very protective of me. "I didn't cry okay?" George tells the both of us, earning a weak chuckle off me. I stopped hugging Jordon and we wiped each other's tears away. There is clearly something between Jordon and I starting to develop. I don't really believe it though; I don't deserve the love that I gave to her. I am not worth all the time effort or money.
I really am just not worth the time and effort these two guys are putting into helping me. I'll just screw everything up and they'll all hate me. They might care about me right now but once they find out about my suicidal thoughts and my depression being as severe as it the doctor told me it is at the moment. I went to the doctors one time because the guys were concerned about how pale I was and how much I hid from them on tour one time. That was when I found out that I have severe depression. I outright refused to go onto anti-depressants or any form of medication because the guys would find out for sure then. Then it would all go wrong and their opinion of me will change for the worst.
I don't want them to take me to the doctors or a medical professional of any kind to get put on medication every day for the rest of my life. "Don't worry Danny, I won't be taking you anywhere tonight," George whispers to me like he has been reading my mind. Jordon wasn't paying any attention to our conversation. With George here too he does not need to keep such a strict eye on me and he was now on his phone. "What do you mean?" I whisper back, acting like I don't know what he is talking about and trying to keep my voice low. Of course I knew exactly what he was talking about but obviously George doesn't know that. I assume he doesn't believe that I have been to any doctors over this.
"I mean that I am not taking you to the doctors. I suspect you have some form of depression but doctors won't help you, Jordon will," George whispers back. Sometimes I forget that George and Jorel have been here before in slightly different scenarios to what I am currently going through. I let George lift me onto Jordon's lap and Jordon wrapped his arms around me tightly. "Don't worry Danny, no one is going to leave you ever again. We are all here for you," Jordon tells me. I wrapped my arms around his torso and rested my head on his shoulder. I was enjoying the snuggle that I was having with Jordon and George was so tempted to join in and he caved after a minute or two. We hugged for about five minutes and then it got too uncomfortable.
"I think you two should get some rest. Today has been tough on everyone and now we can finally help Danny while he really needs us," George tells us and watches as Jordon settles down on the bed, taking me with him and let me snuggle into his as much as I wanted. "There is a spare room if you want to stay the night too," I tell George, it is really up to him if he decides to spend the night at my house. I don't think he will stay the night though because he has a wife and daughter to go home to, they will need him too. "Yeah, I'll stay tonight. I'll let Asia know I am staying until tomorrow afternoon and she'll understand that you will need us at this difficult time in your life," George answers.
He left a few minutes later to the spare room just as Jordon started dozing off while he was holding me. "Hey Danny, just know that anytime that you need me that I will always be here for you," he tells me, half-awake but I knew the meaning was still there. "Thanks Jordon," I reply, I wasn't as tired as Jordon because I had the two hour nap before and he has just fallen asleep holding me and mumbling little sweet things in his sleep. I am also over thinking about tomorrow when I pick my daughter up from my ex-wife's house; if she finds out about the self-harm and depression will she judge me? Hate me? Prevent me from ever seeing Scarlett again? So many questions and yet I am scared and don't want to find out the answers.
I am going to hide my arms and the cuts from both Theresa and Scarlett for as long as possible. Hopefully I can hide them for long enough that they heal and don't scar because Jordon would have acted quicker than I would have done. It is going to be easier to hide them from Theresa but not out daughter Scarlett. I'm going to have to figure out how I am going to cover them up somehow. I need to work something out before Scarlett comes tomorrow afternoon. Today's emotional events finally caught up with me and left me feeling exhausted suddenly and I snuggled into Jordon who held me slightly tighter. "I will never leave you again Danny," Jordon mumbled to me just as I managed as I fell asleep.
~The Next Afternoon~ D.p.o.v
This morning was spent laughing with George and Jordon while we got the house ready for Scarlett to stay with me for the next week. Jordon said he is going to stay with me as well for this week so that someone was going to be able to keep an eye on my while I am starting to recover. George told us that he will arrange play dates with Scarlett and Ava so that it wasn't going to be just Jordon helping me through the depression. Both Jordon and George found out shortly before I woke up this morning as they found a leaflet from the doctor while looking for cutlery in the kitchen drawers. They were surprisingly calm about it when they showed me the leaflet and asked me about it and shortly after I confessed that I do suffer with depression.
George said he'd cover for me if we needed to go to work while I was recovering and we didn't think that I'd be ready for the day of work. I am currently on my way to Theresa's new house with a large hoodie on to cover yesterday's self-harming injuries. I held the sleeves down so that there was no way that Theresa could see my injuries. Scarlett was super excited to see me again and that made me genuinely happy for once. She ran into my arms shouting Daddy at me and I held her tightly to my chest. She was really reluctant to let me go and she gave me a kiss on my cheek and then she giggled when I kissed her on her cheek and then blew a raspberry on her neck. Her little giggles brighten my day.
"I missed you so much daddy," Scarlett tells me and gives me another kiss and I kissed her back again. We walked up to her mom to get her backpack for her weeks stay with me. "Hi Danny, are you okay?" she asks me when I take Scarlett's backpack with my sleeves still down and held in my hands with fingers just showing. I also had Scarlett on my hip and she was snuggled into me. "Yeah, I was just taking advantage of it being sweater weather for once. Also this hoodie is a little on the large side," I reply. I let Scarlett say goodbye to her mom before I take her to my truck at the end of her driveway to put her in the car seat. I knew Theresa has her suspicions but she couldn't really prove that I have done anything. She saw that the hoodie I had on was a little too big.
I loved every minute that Jordon allowed me to have my one on one time with Scarlett. He was still worried about me and he wanted to make sure that I was going to be okay. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to hurt myself again. He was going to cook dinner for us all and told Scarlett that he was going to be on a sleepover while she was in because we thought I was getting a cold or something. Scarlett said she was going to help Jordon make sure I wasn't going to get sick. She was trying to make me laugh and smile a lot. Maybe she does know more than she is letting on. Maybe my little girl knew I was hiding something and maybe had a feeling that I wasn't my usual self despite all the giggles and the playing.
Jordon made an amazing dinner for the three of us. Scarlett clearly enjoyed every mouthful that she ate and she was a little disappointment when she ate it all and there was none left so Jordon and I donated her some of ours. "Uncle Jordon this is really good, thank you" she tells Jordon and he had a smile on his face. "How good is it compared with daddy's cooking?" Jordon asks Scarlett and I was curious to know what she will say. "Daddy's cooking is always going to be better," Scarlett says and I had a heart-melting smile on my face. It is one of my first genuine smiles for a long time. "Of course it is. Daddy is the best cook ever," Jordon says. I looked down but I was still smiling and it didn't really go away and I did look up after a minute because I knew Jordon would start to get worried.
Tomorrow I will cook Scarlett whatever she asks me to cook her for breakfast. I am starting to feel a bit better today than I have been feeling for a few days, weeks, or even months now. I know why I am feeling better too. It is due to having Jordon, George and Scarlett helping me out and making me happy. Hearing Scarlett laugh because she is enjoying spending time with me is the best sound in the world. George was right with what he told me about Scarlett idolising me and me being her favourite person to spend time with. I will let Jordon keep taking care of my injuries once Scarlett is in her bed and fast asleep. I really don't want her to see me like this, even though knowing how helpful she is she would help Jordon put the gauze pads on me. She did one time put a Band-Aid on my knee when I fell off my skateboard and grazed it.
Then again if I didn't want Scarlett knowing that I have self-harmed in the past and the last time was just yesterday then I should not be doing it to myself but it isn't easy and that's not how it works. I can't control myself at this very moment in time. I am not even sure that I have a will to live at the moment either. Theresa left my heart hurting so badly and the cuts were taking the pain away if only for a short moment. I know that this is not the best solution to my problems but this is the only way that I can think works for me right now. I want to stop doing this to myself, I really do but it's hard right now and it is going to take me some time to get used to being okay and to stop this. I am going to stop by the end of this year I know it and I will take advantage of all the help that I can get or that I am being given.
Scarlett holds her lion teddy tightly as she comes to snuggle with me. I had been sitting on the sofa on my own for a little while. "Daddy, why are you really sad?" Scarlett asks me and I discover I had started to cry a little bit without really realising because I have been crying so much recently. It was also a bit sudden and a bit out of the blue. Jordon entered the room then too. I have to explain what cheating to my six-year old. "Mommy was seeing her new boyfriend before she said that she didn't want to be with daddy anymore," I tell her. I don't think I explained it really well and I don't want to turn her against her mother but she also deserves to know the truth about what happened between me and her mom. Scarlett hugs me tightly whilst holding her lion teddy.
"I don't like mommy's new boyfriend," Scarlett tells me. This whole thing has also has had a negative impact on her as well. "I know, but mommy is happy with him and he isn't hurting you or mommy than that's okay. It might sound really bad right now but if he stays and turns out to be really nice then you'll have two daddies that love you lots," I tell her, she is probably confused but I am trying to be optimistic for her sake. "You'll always be my only daddy," she tells me and I smile at her. She doesn't need to be as upset as I have been recently. I cuddle her on my lap and read Scarlett her all-time favourite bed time story. This will hopefully lighten the mood before she falls asleep and she might not remember our little conversation.
~One Month later~ D.p.o.v~
I am feeling a lot better and I owe it all to the guys and Scarlett helping me out. They've all encouraged me in their own ways to get me to naturally smile and laugh a lot more. Jordon has been especially helpful with my recovery. He has practically moved in the past month, making sure that I don't self-harm again and that I am getting better without the help of medication. It has been very successful so far and I've not had any urges to hurt myself since that fateful day Jordon walked into my house and stopped me from doing the unthinkable. Telling people about my depression has managed to lift a huge weight off my shoulders and it feels so good to know that I am not dealing with this on my own.
They've given me a lot of love and care this past month and I've felt so grateful now that I have opened up to them. Jordon has made me breakfast this morning. "Good morning Danny," he tells me with a big smile on his face. "Morning Jordon," I reply, rubbing my eyes as I sit up in bed and Jordon places the tray with my breakfast on it on my lap. I ate the food without fussing or picking at it since it was helping me put a little bit of weight back on, I was borderline underweight when they found out about all of this. They are all helping and taking turns making sure that I take care of myself not only for me but for Scarlett and no member of the band was looking after me more than the other. Scarlett really needs me at a time like this where her normal family life has been ruined. I love her so much.
I did the dishes while Jordon got ready for the day since he didn't do it before he made me breakfast. He said he was going to take me out for the day and I wasn't to know where we are going until we arrive at our destination. It made me feel a little nervous since I am not really keen on surprises but I have some faith that I am not going to be suddenly abandoned by Jordon today, he will definitely look after me today. Then I quickly get ready for the day as well so he can go ahead and take me out for the day. I know he is really excited for today so I want to get ready as quickly as I can without making myself look like a mess or like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards. I am curious as to where he wants to take me.
~A few hours later~ D.P.O.V~
Jordon has taken me to a really secluded park with a nice gazebo type hut to keep us shelter from the elements and in case the weather changes. We had a really nice, fancy picnic which Asia had made for us. I felt really relaxed around Jordon and that was a really good thing. I was leaning on him while he was playing with my hair and it just felt so right, like we were meant to do this. "Hey Danny, there has been something that I've really been meaning to tell you," he says after a little while. I tried to look up to him and have some eye contact but from my position it wasn't really possible. Jordon decided it would be easier for the both of us if he looked into my eyes and it worked better that way.
"What do you mean Jordon?" I ask, starting to get nervous because there are so many things he could say right now and I don't know what he wants to tell me. He could easily send me straight back to square one with what he could potentially tell me. He must have known I was getting nervous as he takes one of my hands in his free one, his other hand never leaving my hair. "I want to tell you that, I love you more than a brother. It has broken my heart to see you like this and if I was your boyfriend, then maybe I could make you better," Jordon tells me; he is confessing his love to me now. CHARLIE SCENE the guy who sings about showing his weenie and banging all the bitches is telling ME that he loves me. Pinch me I am dreaming for sure.
He loves me, he actually loves me. Someone that was not my six-year old daughter or my family cares for me like this and for me it was totally unexpected even though I felt something a month ago with him. I felt a spark when we first met each other as well. "Of course you can be my boyfriend Jordon. You've helped save my life, if you and George didn't come that day and give me a reality check then I honestly think you'd be mourning me right now," I tell him, being honest with him. He was being truthful with me so it was only respectful and fair that I am truthful back. I sit up and he leans in so our lips collide with each other. The whole world felt like it had just shrunk to the two of us. For the first time in a long time I feel like my heart isn't broken any more and Jordon Terrell was the man who put the broken pieces together and fixed it.
The end of another one shot. To be honest I think this is the most depressed one that I have ever written and I wrote How to Save a life which was near this level. If you ever have problems like this then feel free to private message me even if you want to do it anonymously and I will try and help you the best that I can.
I hope that this is a good one shot, I feel like it is a little on the short side for me but 9 pages and at least 5,000 words is not too bad. This is a gift for my good friends AwokenMonster. Let me know what you think about it guys and I will upload a DM x JD one shot soonish.
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