Silence isn't always good DM x FM

Okay so the amazing helper for this one shot is Danny, my muffin. If you guys didn't know my boyfriend was born mute so we decided to use our experience to good use and make a story out of it. We use a mixture of the methods used here to talk to each other so we thought it would be cool to show that it's possible to be in love even though only one person can talk. The only difference is my boyfriend was born mute so he will never be able to speak whereas in the story Danny has selective mutism so he can talk.

I also have the following requests:

I found you DM x JD- Derillo_trash

Howl CS x DM- Fanfic

Eyepatch J3T x AB- Fanfic

If I can't sleep CS x DM- A03 Katrina

If you have any requests or I have missed any then leave a review or comment and I will get round to doing them.

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19th of July 2011

Dear Diary,

George gave you to me as a way of privately writing down my thoughts and feelings while I am on tour or at home. He is obviously the only other person who knows this exists. Life has been strange to say the least lately. About 3 maybe 4 years ago, my friend Jorel who I've known for a while called me for help with his band because their lead singer was giving them issues and he thought that I could help them out.I have no idea why he thought that I would be a good replacement for a lead singer. I have a lot of issues when it comes to talking, but my singing doesn't seem to be affected by my speech impediment. So for now, a singing career seems to be the best choice even though I will struggle during the interviews.

My main problem seems to be that I have been diagnosed with some form of selective mutism and I have been since I was five years old and I started kindergarten. I haven't been able to talk in any social settings when I either want or need to. It's been that way since I was even younger than five but back then they thought I was just a shy child. My mom and dad have been trying to get me help since they got the diagnosis, but none of the methods have really done anything to really correct my speech issues. I have also tried to correct the issue myself over the years and tried to talk to people when I needed to but that hasn't really worked either because the mutism means in those situations I can't make any sounds come out at all. I don't know if I will ever be able to talk what is considered normally for the first time.

There is something else I am struggling to deal with at the moment. I have a major crush on Dylan Alvarez aka Funny Man, the youngest in the band and younger than me by just under 5 months. I have been having the hardest time even saying "Hi" to him since I joined the group as a helper. I think I can't do it in fear of saying something I am going to regret afterwards. I can only just talk to a handful or two of people at the moment and I hope I can increase that soon. I'd love to make new friends and find my true friends and even possibly someone who will love me for who I am and not do it out of pity since I am mute. I just want people to accept who I am even though I know I am a very flawed person.

This diary is a great way for me to get my feelings down on paper. Writing my feelings down daily even helps me make sure that my handwriting stays readable. It's so I can quickly scribble what I want to tell the guys in notes and messages so that they know how I feel and what I want. Now I have all of their phone numbers I could always text them if I want food but they won't always check their text messages when I sent it. They rarely check their phones when we get busy on tours. That's why I always have a notebook to send them notes or show them what I have written when I can't talk to either them or the managers. I have other options available when I can't talk in interviews which will be most if not all of the time since I won't be comfortable in that situation unless I see the interviewer a few times first.

My name is Daniel Rose Murillo. I was born on the 21st of November 1985. I am currently twenty-five years old and other than my mutism I am reasonably healthy. Like I mentioned before, I have always been a shy person, that's just my personality. That might have been a contributing factor in the selective mutism. I have no idea if the help for mutism available will ever work on me. I think I have been mute for too long for that so I might always be a mute guy. It has led to me having depression and severe anxiety at times but I always manage to get over it after a while so I can lead a decent life. I don't want to rely on medication to treat those conditions when it happens all the time or I will end up spending a lot of money on prescriptions because I doubt my health insurance would cover it.

I am very grateful that the guys allow me some private time to write in this or do whatever since they don't really know this book exists. They know I am mute; it was one of the first things they noticed so they give me respect and privacy when I do want to go and hide in my bunk if I get to nervous. They leave me alone until they need me to eat something or to go to the concert and perform or go to an interview. If I want to be left alone in the bunk room they told me I should close the curtains and they'll do it. If they want to let me know something then they'll knock on the side of the bunk until I open my curtain. Or they will call my name until I open my curtain, it depends on if I decide to listen to music while I am on my bunk or not.

Maybe one day Dylan will get with me and we will be happy together. That is a dream that right now I personally believe will never come true. I really doubt it will happen because I know from past experiences that no one will go for a man like me. I am way too fucked up for someone to love me long term. People just barely tolerate me at the moment. I just need to get over these stupid issues first and then maybe; just maybe I will find my true love. I'll always be hoping and praying that one day my life will turn around for the better. For now though, I will just keep on living my day to day life and see what each day brings me. If the day goes well then I will be happy and if it goes bad then I would be upset for a little while but I will get over it.

I should have mentioned before that I am new to the whole diary writing concept but George showed me his when he managed to convince me to start writing my own. His was for the year 2008 so I had a bit more insight on how they felt when their first album was released and how badly behaved Deuce was for myself. I only read it once though because I don't want to invade his privacy completely. I know he let me read it but still I felt like I was invading his privacy and I didn't like it so I stopped reading it after I got to around Christmas time. Now I have no idea what to write so I'll end this. .Murillo

George knocks on the side of the bunk to let me know that he wants my attention or me to do something. I put my diary in the secret compartment I was provided when I was given the diary. I open the curtain to my bunk so he can join me on the bunk and I can see if I can use my voice today or not. "Hey Danny, are you feeling good today?" he asks me when he sits down next to me in the bunk. I hug him and he hugs me back tightly. "Yeah, I'm feeling alright today," I manage to tell him after a minute or two. George smiles at me and I can feel the pride coming from him. Being able to talk to him shows that I am comfortable around him. This is a good step in the right direction for me and I hope that I can keep it up with him and the rest of the band.

We've only known each other since 2008 so I feel like I have made a lot of progress by being able to talk to him in almost all social situations that I am in with him. "That's good, do you think you can talk during the interview today?" he asks me next. Since American tragedy was released not too long ago, they'll want to ask me questions about how I feel being in the band and how I feel about the album and a bit about my background. "I don't think so no, I can just about talk to you guys at the moment," I tell him honestly, and he knows I am not lying to him. He squeezes my hand and I feel a little calmer. "Don't worry Danny, I will help you get through the interview and so will the others," he replies.

We have started to get a little system within the band which helps me get through the interviews we will have as we grow in popularity. If I can talk to the interviewer then great, but if I can't then there are other methods that we can use. I'll talk to one of the guys and they'll tell the interviewers what I told them or I can use sign language and it will be translated by one of the guys. Sometimes the interviewers are told about my mutism beforehand and they will provide me with a whiteboard so I can write down my answers and show someone. It is the basic solution and it works quite nicely for now and one day I will be able to speak openly for the first time in my life. That will be the greatest achievement for me personally.

"So we'll go with our current usual routine for interviews. Just sign what you want the interviewer to know to either me or Jorel and we will deal with it from there," George tells me. Jorel and George are the ones in the band who know the most sign language so they nominate themselves to be the main translators for me. The rest of the band knows a bit of sign language and they are also learning more as we go along. Hopefully one day I won't need the sign language as often and we can help the fans who might need to communicate by sign language. That would be awesome and show that we are a cool band who can't discriminate against anyone because we can accommodate to each fans needs wherever possible. It will be a nice change to feel normal for the first time in my life.

The interview quickly came and went and I was given a whiteboard and pen to use. They were told by the manager that I had mutism before they agreed to interview us. The guy who was interviewing us was really nice and asked me basic questions and questions which only require short answers so I could fit them on the whiteboard they gave me. The guys made sure that I was calm and comfortable throughout the interview even though I can't talk right now. This is the kind of support that I feel like I need to get over the mutism that I have once and for all. We are going to hang out in the back living area of the bus for a while. We have nothing else to do right now. Matt hugged me when we got into the back living area.

"Well done Danny, you're doing so well now," Matt comments after we were all in the back living area. "Thanks Matt," I manage to reply after a few minutes. I know I keep struggling to get my words out but, I also know it is not something which is going to change overnight and it will take a while to do it. "You'll get better at no time if you manage to keep this up," Charlie says, praising me which felt a bit weird and a bit foreign. Normally the method that was used on me was to beat me into talking to the therapist and as you probably imagined it made it a lot worse because I was constantly hit when I didn't talk and that isn't something that should be done really. That is like the complete opposite of helping me.

I don't know why those people thought that giving me a beating every time they saw me would correct my issues but it obviously had the opposite effect. I was getting better before I saw them and then it got a whole lot worse. Dylan had picked up my change in behaviour and decided he was going to be the one who sits next to me and I snuggled into him. "Don't worry Danny, no one here is ever going to hurt you on purpose," he tells me. I looked at him with one eyebrow raised. I grabbed my notebook from the table and I wrote: What do you know about that? Then I showed it to him and he read it. I might have worded the question a little wrong but to the guys it doesn't really matter anyway, they understand what I am trying to tell them most of the time.

"You were mumbling very subtly about someone beating you?" Dylan whispers to me. "I thought I only thought about it, I didn't think I was mumbling" I wrote down and then showed him, I did try and talk to him but I found it too difficult. "You were only mumbling very quietly so no one else heard you, but I can still assure you that no one in this group will want to hurt you ever," Dylan tells me, again being quiet. I am not sure what the rest of the band thinks we are talking about. I am sure I am not mumbling anymore which is good. I keep snuggling up to Dylan on the couch because I was comfortable and I really don't feel like moving from my spot and Dylan seemed happy to snuggle with me.

"Are you feeling comfy there Danny?" Jorel asks me when he notices how close I am to Dylan for once. I nod at him and he smiles at me. I still can't feel like talking but he was in close enough distance for me to write a note to him. I wrote: He's comfy! I really can't talk anymore today though. I showed him once I was done and he rubbed my arm. "That's alright Danny. You talk when you are able to and that's good when you can because it shows that you are slowly steadily improving," Jorel tells me and I smile at him. He's so keen to praise me for things I try to say when we have a conversation which is still something I need to get used to and I will get used to it eventually.

I think I managed to get myself a little too comfortable in Dylan's arms. I am starting to doze off now as I didn't really get much sleep during the last two or three nights. I probably only got one hour max per night for the three days. "Nap time for Danny-bear," George tells me when I opened my eyes for a brief moment before I closed them again. I don't deny that I am very tired and about to fall asleep so I get given a blanket which Dylan covers me with. "Just close your eyes Danny and let nice dreams take you anywhere" Dylan tells me. I am not sure he knows that most of my dreams recently have been less than peaceful. I'll try and sleep now and see how my dreams go. If my dreams go bad then I'll just have to deal with it.

~two hours later~

Jorel wakes me up and I am on my bunk and on my own for the most part. I guess Dylan carried me in here while I was sleeping. "Hey, I was going to wake you up for dinner in ten minutes but I noticed you were starting to have a nightmare so I decided to wake you up now," he tells me and I sleepily nod at him. I rubbed my eyes and let Jorel help me out of the bunk. "What is for dinner?" I ask him. He pats my arm. "Chicken nuggets, chips and cheese for you," he answers. We never get home cooked meals while we are on tour because we don't have the equipment to make the dinners here. We can get the stuff to make dinner anytime but we don't have an oven or a stove to cook on so there would be no point.

I walk into the main living/dining area where the rest of the band are sitting and eating their takeaway. I sit in between Jorel and Dylan and I was given my food. I enjoyed every bit I ate of my meal. The guys had looked after my notebook while I was taking the nap so they gave it back to me while I was eating so I could participate in the current conversation. I wrote down little jokes to share with them. After dinner I went back to my bunk since we don't have a concert tonight. I don't really want to write in the diary again today either. There isn't anything else I can really write down about tonight, nothing has happened out of the ordinary and I had down everything I wanted to write today anyway.

I just decide to put my earphones in and blast some music into them to pass a bit of time. I don't want to go back to sleep just yet. I don't know what the rest of the band plans to do tonight but if there is going to be a movie night then I am up for that. I want to watch some films but I don't want to bother anyone who is sitting in the back living area. I decide to play some phone games but I quickly got bored of them. I think there is a games console on the bus so I'll stop playing music on my phone for now. Then I put my phone into my pocket and I get out of my bunk to walk to the back living area and I find out that only Jordon is there which surprised me a little. Usually all of the guys are in the back living area when there is no show on.

"Oh hey, are you bored Dan?" Jordon asks me and I nodded. He hooked up the x-box to the TV and handed me the player one controller. "The guys have gone drinking so we can just relax and you can head to bed before they get back at around 2 or 3 am," he adds. I give him a timid smile and went for my notebook. "Thanks Jordon," I write then I show it to him. Jordon just smiles at me. "you're welcome buddy," he tells me. We then turn our attention and focus to the game that was left in the x-box from last time. I didn't quite catch the name of the game that we were playing but it was fun. It has been a long time since I really had any fun like this. I should do it more but it is having the time and confidence to just go and do it on tour which is an issue.

Jordon lets me snuggle into him while we are playing the game and it wasn't uncomfortable for either of us. I do snuggle up to the guys a lot and when I can because I feel like I am safe and secure in their arms and when I am that close to them. These guys have become like brothers to me and I am so grateful to them for all the support I have been given. "Gosh darn it Daniel, you are too good at this," Jordon tells me when he gets beaten by me once again. I smirk at him and get a pout in return. "Don't be a sore looser Jordon," I write down in my notebook and then show it to him with a smile since I wasn't confident enough to talk. "Yeah sure Danny, I am not being a sore looser," Jordon tells me and I roll my eyes at him.

We played video games for another two hours before we heard that one of the guys was coming back to the bus and he was clearly drunk. I went to go and hide in my bunk before the guy walked in and I was planning on staying there for the rest of the night. I don't really like dealing with the guys when they get drunk. It scares me because I am still learning how to handle and deal with their drunken behaviour. "Night Danny," Jordon tells me and I sign night back to him since there is still some light in the bunk rooms. I snuggled underneath the covers and close my eyes. I hope that sleep will come to me soon and I can do it before any of the guys can disturb me out of sleep.

I was just about to fall asleep when I felt a weight behind me and that side of the crappy mattress dip with his weight. I could smell the alcohol and the weed on him especially the alcohol on his breath as I turned to face Dylan. I froze in shock as he wrapped his arm around my waist with his hand on my butt. "Hey Danny, you look real cute tonight," Dylan says, clearing sounding both drunk and high as a kite. I felt really uncomfortable by this, it isn't how I wanted our relationship starting. "You're drunk," I signed to him, but he couldn't see it and I couldn't talk because I got too scared. I shoved him off the bunk and he lands on the floor with a heavy thud. Jordon heard it because he came straight over and nearly tripped over in the process.

"Get in your own bunk now Dylan," Jordon says in a low stern tone. Dylan quickly does as he is told and disappears into his bunk. Jordon calms me down and takes me to the kitchen/main living area to make sure that I am feeling calmer and better. My notebook is lying on the table since Jordon must have brought it through when he went to handle the drunk guys."What happened?" He asks me and hands me the notebook and pen. I wrote: "He came into my bunk and got uncomfortably close to me. He told me that I look real cute and I shoved him off the bunk before he could do anything." I show it to him and he takes a minute to read what I have written. "Aww Danny, you'll be okay. I'll look out for you," Jordon tells me.

I sighed, I don't want what happened tonight to ruin my chances of being in a happy relationship with Dylan. "Are you sure you're okay now Danny? You seem to be upset still," Jordon asks me and all I can manage is to shake my head to let him know I am not okay. I am really not okay, if he remembers what happened tonight then all my chances of being with him have officially been ruined. My life would then be ruined and I would rather die than suffer any more than I have been already. "Well, do you want to talk about it some more?" Jordon asks me and I just shrug. "You want to have a hug?" He asks me and I nod. Hugs sound like a good idea to me right now.

Jordon gives me a gentle hug and I hug him back. "Are you sad because you have a crush on someone who might not like me back?" He asks me. I might have written that down for George and it was still in my notebook for anyone to read. However, he also ask stuff like this all the time just so we can get to know each other. I nod and then I look back towards the bunk. Maybe he'll get the hint. "Is the crush in the band?" Jordon asks me and I slowly nod at him. I wrote: "It's Dylan. It has been Dylan since we first met really." I then show my notebook to Jordon who smiled sadly after he read it because of what happened tonight. "I'm sure Dylan will come to his senses soon enough and realise he is about to waste a great opportunity. He is just very drunk and high right now," he tells me.

"Okay, why is Dylan sulking like a child in his bunk?" George asks, sounding a lot more sober then when he first got back to the bus. "He got too close to Danny and he got rejected," Jordon tells George who looks at me. Since he already knows about my crush on Dylan I can show him my side of the conversation I have just had with Jordon. "He creeped you out a lot then I take it?" George asks me and I nod. I am now back snuggling up to Jordon. "Dylan's starting to become a bit of a creepy drunk lately," Jordon says quietly since we didn't really want Dylan to find out just yet but I think he might have gone to sleep now. I don't want to start any more trouble when we already have enough to deal with because of Deuce.

Eventually after a few hours of talking and me completely calming down we decided that it would be a good idea to go to bed since we have a show later on today. I decided that I wanted to be on my own in my bunk with no one snuggling me since I got too creeped out earlier. I tossed and turned for a further hour and a half before I decided to go back to the back living area to see if the bunk was the reason why I can't sleep. I tossed and turned on the sofa for another half an hour before I got the urge to go for a walk. I had to get out of this bus, I feel way to cramped in here. I am not going to be gone for too long, but since it is currently 4 am then I will still leave a note in case anyone does wake up before I get back.

Hey guys,

I couldn't sleep at all so I have decided to go on a little walk around the city. I will have my phone on my so that Life 360 app should work as long as I have data on my phone. Don't worry too much about me though, I will stay safe and I will try and be back during the morning and definitely before the show tonight. I also won't be taking these walks often since I don't want to cause issues.

Danny

I grabbed my coat and my shoes and put them on before I walked out. I am not going to make the same mistake twice. The bus driver wasn't really paying attention and said nothing about my sudden departure from the bus. Since it is still 4 in the morning, well more like ten minutes past four, no shops are going to be open right now so I am just going to go and see what sights might interest me, I might find somewhere that could interest all of us and we could go and see them on our next day off when we come back because I will probably write it down in my diary. I say when we come back because we might not be here after tomorrow but I will still know about it for future tours which would be cool. It wasn't that cold outside which is good and my coat is a light one anyway.

Not many people are out at this time either which is another great thing for me. It means I can just wander around until I find somewhere that I feel like is a good place to escape to and no one will ask why a shy American is wandering around sober at 4 am. The guys will probably end up finding me at some point, they usually do. I found a quiet alleyway after a little while of searching and I use it to hide from the world and attempt to forget my problems for a little while. I can even hide behind a dumpster and not be noticeable. I wrap my arms around my knees and rest my head on them. I still can't fall asleep and I know we have a show tonight so I need sleep. My arms should make a good makeshift pillow but not a comfortable one.

This isn't going to be good for me if I don't manage to get my sleeping schedule back on track. Everyone's and I mean everyone's eyes will be on me more so than the other guys because I am the new guy. It will be the worst thing to happen to the band's already slightly damaged reputation if I faint on stage while we are in the middle of a show. I am really exhausted and I want nothing more than to just sleep right now. I can't rely on the energy drinks like I have been doing to support myself through this tour and be healthy. I left my notebook behind which isn't good. If I cant talk to whoever finds me then I am pretty much screwed.

I stay in my little hidey-hole until I discover than Dylan was the one who was sent to find me and he did find me. I got really nervous since my crush has found me and it is only the two of us. "Hey Danny, the others told me what happened earlier and I am really sorry. I was acting creepier than I should have," he tells me and I signed to him that it was okay and I was willing to forgive him and act like last night never happened. I also hugged him to show him that I was being truthful in the fact that I have accepted his apology and I forgave him for my own sanity's sake and to save the band. We can't hate each other or it will be like Deuce all over again I have been told.

"There was a bit of truth to what I said last night Danny. I do find you extremely cute and also a very attractive and sexy man. I shouldn't have blown my chance for you to love me," Dylan says taking my slightly smaller hands in his which were warmer and felt comforting. I look into his eyes and then after a minute I decide to make the first move. I encouraged him to lean closer to me and I leaned in as well so our lips met in the middle. He was shocked at first and it felt electric but he soon kissed back. "So I didn't ruin my chances of being with you then?" He asks, feeling a bit shocked still and he broke the kiss. "Nope I freaked out maybe unnecessarily last night, I'm sorry," I reply, feeling confident in using my voice.

"I love your voice Danny," he tells me. He's never really praised me on my voice before so I felt really good about it. "Thanks, I know I should speak more but I am working on it," I tell him, feeling this new found confidence I have never had before. Dylan is grinning now as the daylight shines into the alleyway. "This is great because you are taking your time and making sure that you feel comfortable which is more important than you speaking twenty-four seven and not being ready or comfortable," he says, hugging me again this time tightly. Then he carried me all the way back to the bus where the others were waiting for me to return in the main living area where my notebook was left.

"I got a sleepy Danny," Dylan tells the rest of the band and I could tell George had slumped down a little bit in relief and so did Jordon. Dylan kept hold of me when he sat down in the main living area and I held onto him a little bit. I snuggled into Dylan and Jordon smiled at the two of us. He seems to be happy knowing that Dylan and I are on good terms again now. I freaked out last night and it was a pretty weird night to say the least. "How on earth did you manage to wear him out?" George asks Dylan since I was falling asleep on Dylan. "From what you guys have said then Danny must have stayed awake most of last night if not all of it so he is bound to be exhausted now," Dylan answers ad I yawned and shifted in my seat a little bit.

"At least he is back and we know for definite that he is safe now. Last night was the weirdest night we've ever had with him since he joined the group," Jordon says. I was dozing off in Dylan's arms but I suddenly felt more awake when his grip on me got even tighter. " He knows I am sorry for what happened last night and what I did. I should not have creeped him out like that," Dylan says. I reached out and grabbed my notebook to write a little note to show Dylan later on and he was still explaining what he remembers of the night. "I think Danny should go to bed now. He looks like he is ready to drop," George says when I yawn again. God I am so tired right now. "Yeah he probably should," Dylan tells him.

"I go bed now?" I ask the guys, and I rubbed my eyes which were hurting because I have not slept properly for too long. The guys also wanted to coo at me but they held it back. "Yes Danny, you can go to bed now," Jordon tells me I smile at them and then I try to get up but Dylan won't let me do that. "I'll carry you to bed Danny," Dylan tells me and then he stands up and carries me to the bunk room like he said he would. He puts me down on my bunk and I let him join me this time since I felt a whole lot better about the whole situation now. We have both established that we have feelings for each other now and it made the whole thing that little bit sweeter. We haven't established whether or not we are going to be boyfriends but we can do that in time.

"Hey Danny, I have something to ask you," Dylan tells me once I have gotten myself changed and settled in the bunk for my sleep which will probably take me into mid to late afternoon. I got a little bit nervous since I have a vague idea of what he wants to ask me but he could ask me anything at this point. He has time to think about it and change his mind and all sorts. I signed the word What to him and he just smiled at me. "Would you do me the honours of becoming my boyfriend? I think you and I both know we can't fight this feeling," he asks me and I honestly felt like I was in some kind of dream. I know Dylan knows bits and pieces of sign language so I will be okay to give my answer to him that way because there is no way that I can talk right now.

I signed "Yes" to him and he gasped. "Are you serious right now Danny?" He asks me next and I nod at him. "You have just made me one of the happiest men alive right now," He tells me and I grin. He has made me very happy by having the same crush I did with him if that made any sense what so ever. I am very tired right now so I probably won't make much sense to anyone, even myself. "Go to sleep little lion," he tells me and hugs me gently while we are both under the covers. I feel my eyes starting to close on their own and I was lying on top of him so he won't be able to leave until I wake up before the show unless he moves me off him without waking me up which I am sure he will be able to do.

I give him a tender kiss on the lips and then I sign "I love you" to him. He gives me a kiss back "I love you too Danny, never forget that my sweet lion," he tells me just as I fell asleep, feeling blissfully happy for once in my life. Dylan Alvarez maybe my cure to getting rid of the selective mutism. Who knows but one thing I do know is that he loves me for who I am so there really isn't a rush to become a normal-ish person and to be able to speak all of the time. The system I have right now works for me and I don't want to change that for anything. Hater's may hate me for being this way but I was born a lion and I lion I will stay.

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