WARNING: This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration / Violence]


Edit Update: 1/1/2016

Did some majorly minor editing.


About an hour after I had made my phone call, I heard the door open and light streamed in like a passageway to Heaven. But instead of angels singing and blowing trumpets, a man wearing dirty overalls walked down the stairs while carrying a wrench, who dipped his hat to me - as if he saw young girls taped to chairs every other week - as he made his way to some pipes and began inspecting them.

I grinned. This was my rescue crew. He was just wearing a disguise so that he could slip in without tipping off Stacie and Marge. I was well on my way out of here. "Hey."

My rescuer looked at me and pointed at himself.

"Yes, you. Over here." When he reached me I said, "Thanks for coming."

"Oh." He nodded, a big smile on his mustached face. "My pleasure."

"Say, listen. What's the plan?"

"The plan?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, well." He looked at the pipes. "I am going to check the boiler first, and then I will be making sure that all of the pipes are secure."

"Code words." I winked. "Gotcha."

"Code what?"

"Code words." I rolled my eyes when he shrugged. What was with this guy? "The words you say with your mouth. They're code words for my escape plan, right?"

"Escape plan?"

My smile faded. "You didn't come here to rescue me, did you?"

"No!" He said with a laugh. "I am the plumber."

"Oh." I said with a nod.

And then everything began to suck real bad when he pulled out a gun. And he was still smiling, as if he were holding a petunia instead. "And I was also hired to shoot you."

Lovely.

Right when I got ready to start hearing angel bands, there was a loud crash from upstairs and theme music began to play from out of nowhere. The plumber assassin dude looked around in confusion and ran to the stairs to check what was going on. Big mistake. The door flew off its hinges, hitting the guy and sending him to the floor. I gazed up at the four men who stood at the top of the steps. It was the one and only A-Team!

"I love it when a-"

"Do you have to say that in every episode?" Face asked, interrupting Hannibal.

"Thank goodness!" I said. "But what happened with Stacie and Marge?"

"We don't know." Hannibal answered, his teeth clamped tightly on his cigar. "When we flew the plane through the wall, we didn't see anybody."

"You flew a plane through a wall?"

"I tried to stop it." Face said, putting his hands up defensively.

"It was this crazy fool's fault." B.A. argued, pointing a finger at Murdock.

Face placed his hands on his hips. "You're the one who panicked and grabbed the wheel when we were landing."

I rolled my eyes. "Girls, girls. You're both pretty. Can you untape me now? And why is Murdock being so quiet?"

When I asked this, Murdock began mouthing words but no noise came out. I raised an eyebrow when he began holding his hands up, as if he were doing a mime impression.

"He thinks he's in the Cone of Silence." Face explained.

I nodded in understanding - although saying that I understood any of this is quite a stretch - and then I watched as the four of them came down into the basement, stepping on the door with the plumper underneath it as they did. But instead of removing the tape, they picked up my chair and carried me off. "Wait, what? Where're we going?"

"Back in the plane." Hannibal announced with a smile.

"Oh no." B.A. stopped walking. "I ain't goin' back in there."

"Me either!" I exclaimed. "I'm terrified of flying!"

"Murdock is the best flier there is." Hannibal said before looking at their pilot. "Right, Murdock?"

Murdock mouthed some words that we couldn't make out.

I grimaced. "That doesn't reassure me."

"I've been forced to fly with this crazy fool for five years and I'm still not reassured." B.A. said.

"Let's just get in the plane." Face begged. "These running gags got old two seasons ago."

"Sorry to interrupt," actually I wasn't, "but did you take care of the other problem?"

"Don't worry." Hannibal's grin widened. "We took care of it."


There was nothing quite like the taste of fresh meat. But even so, Bakura made do with some not-as-fresh fruit that were hanging from the trees around them. He didn't have the patience to go out looking for some unsuspecting animals. The sooner they got to that hot spring, the better.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Marik asked. "Are you even trying?"

"Believe me, Marik. I want to find it more than you could possibly imagine."

"This is the last time we take directions from a bird."

"For the millionth bloody time, it wasn't a-!" Bakura had cut himself off because while talking, he had pushed aside a branch with large leafs, and behind those leafs he saw what they had been searching for. He grinned from ear-to-ear before facing Marik, who was holding onto Artax's reins. "I believe we have found it."

"Whee!" Marik ran past his companion, Artax close behind, and immediately began stripping off his crop-top. "Come on, Bakura."

It was happening. It was really happening. "This," he said to himself, "is the happiest day of my life."

"Did you say something, Bakura?"

"Nothing at all, Marik. Nothing at all." He said as he ripped off his jacket.

"Maybe I should wash my clothes first." Marik thought aloud as he examined his shirt, which was covered with mud.

"We can worry about that later."

"I guess you're right. 'Cause you totally need this."

Bakura threw his shirt aside. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, I don't like to criticize, but you are starting to smell."

"What?"

"How long has it been since you have had a shower?"

"Marik, shut up. You're ruining it for me."

"Ruining what? Your hygiene? 'Cause you already did that. Oh no I di-in't."

After taking in a deep breath to refuel his patience, Bakura smiled. "Let's just get in, shall we?"

"Yes!"

As Marik began unclasping his belt buckle, Bakura feverishly worked at unbuttoning his pants. But before they could undress themselves any further, the two of them heard a sound that you would never expect to hear in the middle of a jungle: a police siren.

"All right," a police officer stepped into the clearing, "nobody move."

"Bulls***." Bakura growled. Couldn't he ever catch a break?

"Who are you?" Marik asked.

"Officer Trudge. Fanfiction Police." The man said. "Investigating reports of a possible fanfiction ratings violation."

Marik looked at his companion. "What do you think he means by that?"

"I couldn't hazard a guess."

"Some fanfics starts harmless enough." Officer Trudge explained. "They gives it a K+ ratings with two characters goin' off on an adventures into Twinkley Dinkley Land. Then the next thing ya knows, they ends their fanfics with them bumpin' uglies with each others. That's where Is comes in."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"Look, pal. This fanfic's got a T-ratings. That means the two of yas have ta keep those pants on."

"But they were naked in the frigging movie." Marik protested.

"That's movies. What ya see is what ya gets. But when one of those fangirls starts ta reads about two naked men, their nose starts bleedins because they imagines more than what's described. So I can't let this story continue in the directions it's goings. Not without severe repercussions-s-s-s-s."

"Look," Bakura said, trying to resist the urge to slit the man's throat. "How about we just turn off the camera before getting in. That way they won't see anything."

"Not exceptables. Just them knowings that you're not wearing anything will cause perverted imaginings."

"We're getting in there whether you like it or not." After saying this, Bakura continued to fiddle with the buttons and zipper on his pants.

"I never said you weren'ts." The police officer reached into a nearby bush and pulled out two black knee-length swimming trunks. "But you will have ta wears these first."

"But-"

"That's the conditionings. And if you don't, I will be forced ta send ya both ta Fanfic Prison. And it ain't a pretty place. No. Not pretty at all."

"But then how am I supposed to wash my beautiful bottom?" Marik whined.

"Not my problems." Officer Trudge held up the trunks. "So, what will it be? Are ya gonna cooperate and puts these on, or am I gonna have to ta take you guys in for questionings?"

Bakura glowered at him before yanking one of the swimming trunks out of his hand.

"That's what I thoughts." Trudge said "And now for some quick video editings."

Before Bakura could ask what that meant, he looked down and saw that he was now wearing one of the black trunks. And when he turned around, he saw that Marik had been given the same treatment.

"Now the two of yas can gets in." Trudge said before walking off into the dense foliage, and a moment later the two teenagers could hear the police siren fading off into the distance.

"It doesn't even look good on me." Marik complained.

Bakura remained silent and headed over to the hot spring, where he stepped in and submerged, leaving only the top half of his head above the water. It was hot. Scorchingly hot. But he didn't care. It helped clear his mind of the pure rage that threatened to lash out like a starved tiger from his cage.

"How is the water?" Marik asked.

"Hmm," was all Bakura said, causing bubbles to travel up to the surface as he wished that they were near civilization. If they were, he could grab the first person he saw and mutilate them to vent his frustrations.

Marik nodded, as if what Bakura had said was an actual answer to his question, and slipped into the hot spring, muttering a few frigs as he did. Once he was completely in, he got used to the temperature and relaxed, closing his eyes and putting his hands behind his head. Bakura watched him and felt tempted to swim over there and . . . but if he did, that Officer Trudge would probably come back and take them to that prison he mentioned.

Or maybe not . . .

But before he could make a move, Artax did a cannonball, causing a wave of hot water to rise up and engulf both him and Marik.

"Sod this!" Bakura stormed out of the hot spring.

"Bakura. What is it? Are you having a tizzy fit?"

Bakura ignored him. The horse was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now all of his sex drive was eradicated, so there was simply no point in staying in there any longer. He would just get dressed and-

"Marik, where are our clothes?"

"Up there." Marik said, pointing at the treetops.

Bakura raised his head and saw that there was a group of monkeys that were wearing their shirts and pants as they chattered and pointed at them, as if mocking the two humans, before jumping from branch to branch, heading deeper into the jungle.

Once they thought they were at a safe distance, the monkeys all dropped down to the ground and chased each other around, taking turns putting the clothes on. The one that had Marik's crop-top put it over his head and spun around in circles with it until he rammed into something, causing him to fall over backwards. When he removed Marik's shirt, he found himself staring up at Bakura, who was dripping wet and holding a knife.

Bakura flashed them a grin that sent a shiver down all of the monkeys' spines. "Now, which one of you wants to see the Shadow Realm first?"

"You killed them all, didn't you?" Marik asked when Bakura returned, who was covered in blood.

"Yes I did."

"Do you feel better?"

"Immensely."