Chapter 61: What's Up, Doc?

Disclaimer: All things Supergirl/Superman belong to DC. No infringement is intended.

(Author's Note: The events in this chapter happen roughly two weeks prior to the events depicted in chapters 54 and 55)


Early morning (6am)

Dr. Harleen Francis Quinzel, PsyD, certified genius, and one of the youngest people ever to gain her doctorate in criminal psychology, slammed the door of her office behind her and all but collapsed onto the couch she usually reserved for patients. This had been such a long, long night and she couldn't remember ever having been this tired, not even during the most stressful times at university. It was slowly getting light outside and she had yet to sleep a wink.

Deciding she really needed to get her thoughts in order before she collapsed into utter exhaustion, she heaved herself up again and stumbled over to her desk. Sitting down, she took a cassette recorder out from a drawer and set it before her, hitting the record button.

"Today I finally met the person known only as the Joker," she began. "Ever since the beginning of my studies I was fascinated by her case. A classic psychotic break at first glance, but so very fascinating in its details and nuances. When I was hired by the Gotham City PD as a consultant, I was hoping to get the chance to meet her in person and get further insight into her very special case."

She sighed, leaning back and closing her eyes. "Be careful what you wish for, isn't that the old saying? Or maybe the curse of 'may you live in interesting times' is more fitting? I don't know."

Leaning forward to rest her head on her crossed arms, she continued. "Anyway, when I hoped to meet her, I was thinking of a professional meeting. Joker having been apprehended, me being called in to determine her sanity and whether or not she was fit to stand trial. I could certainly never have imagined the circumstances of our actual meeting. And that isn't even factoring in the involvement of Superwoman, Hawkwoman, and Batgirl."


1 hour earlier (5am)

In her entire life, Kara had never experienced such a thing as a hangover. She had had super powers since she was 13 years old and alcohol had never had an effect on her. She should know, given that there had been a time in her teenage years when she had desperately sought to get drunk in order to drown out the memories. Right now, though, the descriptions she had heard about what hangovers were like seemed very fitting.

She blinked, the lights in the room were way too bright. She was reminded of her first few days on Earth, before she had learned to control her enhanced senses. A headache was pounding directly beneath her forehead.

"I think she's coming around," a female voice said, very loud.

"Superwoman? Are you... you?" another female voice, also very loud.

When the spots finally vanished from her vision, she saw that she was lying on a couch in a room with no less than four other women. One was an unfamiliar blonde in her early 20s. The other three, though, she recognized.

"Batgirl? Shiera? JOKER? What... I... where am I? How did I get here? I can't remember a thing."

"You can't? Great, that's good!" The infamous clown princess of Gotham was wearing her signature outfit as always, but looked extremely rumpled. The makeup adorning her face was smeared, practically gone in places. Her constant manic grin was on full display, though she seemed almost... embarrassed?

"If you don't remember a thing," the Joker continued babbling, "then there is really no need for anyone to dig up any old stories from long in the past and we should all just go our own merry way and..."

"Joker," Shiera interrupted her in a voice so sugary sweet that it might well cause cavities.

"Yes?" the clown asked.

"SHUT UP!"

Kara groaned and pressed her hands to her head, even as she struggled to sit up. "Not so loud, please!"

The unknown blonde sat down beside her, checking her over with the air of a medical professional. "Hi, Superwoman. I'm Dr. Quinzel, I'm with the Gotham City PD. How are you feeling, honey?"

"Like someone dropped a mountain on my head and stuffed my mouth full of cotton. How... I can't get hung-over or anything, so what happened to me?"

From the way Batgirl and Shiera were glaring at Joker, she had a pretty good idea as to who could best answer that question for her. So she flashed forward (almost stumbling in the process, but thankfully she was moving so fast that nobody noticed) and hoisted Joker up by the lapels of her coat.

"What did you do to me?" she demanded.


9 hours earlier (8pm previous day)

Barbara Gordon, by now widely known as Batgirl among Gotham's criminal element, had only just begun her early evening patrol when she came upon a disturbance. The place was a rather well-known comedy club in the more upscale part of Gotham City. Not exactly a place where millionaires hung out, but neither was it a dive. It wasn't usually a trouble hot spot, so it was pretty much just sheer chance that she had passed it at all on her way to Gotham's more notorious East End.

The disturbance made itself known when a high screeching sound caused numerous windows to blow out, raining glass shards down onto the pavement. A few pedestrians ran away, but interestingly enough there was no crowd fleeing from inside the club. Weird. Batgirl quickly changed course and landed on the club's roof, making her way inside.

Before she even reached the club's main room, she could hear it. Someone was singing. Badly! Someone was singing badly with a voice so loud and strong that it blew out windows and made the walls rattle. Also, there was some kind of rhythmic stomping that caused plaster to trickle down from the ceiling. Carefully peeking around the corner, Batgirl briefly considered the notion that she had hit her head somewhere and was hallucinating.

Half of the club looked like a disaster zone. Smashed tables, shattered glasses and bottles, spilled drinks, all the trappings of a room after some kind of fight. Despite that, though, there was still a crowd present, gathered around the remaining tables. The people all looked to be in a state somewhere between amazement and panic. Like a crowd gathered around a burning fireworks factory, utterly fascinated despite being aware of the danger. Which nicely described what Batgirl saw on stage.

Three women were up on the stage, a microphone standing before them, arms around each other and singing. Batgirl instantly recognized two of them, though her mind kind of refused to truly let the information sink in.

"Superwoman and Joker, together on stage, singing together?" she muttered.

The presence of Joker was not that surprising, she figured. Since putting on the cowl, she had had a few run-ins with the weird clown woman, who seemed to straddle the fine line between being a criminal anarchist and a Gotham City folk hero. Batman seemed to have a kind of hands-off rule when it came to her, at least as long as she only went after bad guys and there were no innocents caught in the crossfire. Joker was crazy, so seeing her singing in a wrecked comedy club wasn't really out of character for her, Batgirl figured.

Joker was not smiling, though. Or rather, she was, she always did, but right now her signature grin seemed very forced. Come to think of it, the third woman up on stage, a redhead whom Batgirl didn't recognize, had a rather similar expression on her face. A very superficial smile (though not nearly as broad), strained, and seeming to say 'I'd rather be anywhere but here'.

Standing between the two women was Superwoman, and she was grinning so broadly that Batgirl feared her face might split in two. She was not dressed in her usual super suit, but rather wore normal street clothes. Still, it was kind of hard not to recognize her, especially as she was singing so loud as to cause physical damage to the room and her dance steps (if that was what it was supposed to be) were busy chipping away at the structural integrity of the stage.

Standing on the side of the stage was a tall, thin man in a striped suit, who was watching the women with a look of utter perplexity on his pale face. Batgirl needed a moment to remember where she knew the guy from. Right, his face was on the posters outside the club, he was the club's star comedian. She had seen him on TV a few times, too.

Moving through the shadows, she appeared next to him. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

The guy started, looked at her with wide eyes, but then just shrugged. "Hey, another super hero, why not?"

"Uh... yeah, I... what is going on here? Why are they... I mean... why?" She gestured helplessly towards the stage.

The comedian sighed, then winced as Superwoman hit another high note that shattered another round of bottles behind the bar.

"Well, I am not really sure what's going on, to be honest, but they came in about an hour ago."


1 hour earlier (7pm)

"What is it about Gotham?" the comedian on stage asked. "I mean, if you live in this town, it seems you have a better than even chance of becoming some kind of theme criminal. No joke, I almost ended up as a super villain myself. A few years ago there were these guys trying to trick the Batman by taking turns dressing up as…," he made a dramatic pause, "… the RED HOOD! Very intimidating, I tell you, a guy in a tux with a red fish bowl on his head. Scary! And I almost ended up wearing that outfit, too, because I was really hard up for cash. Then I got this gig here, though, and... well, there are nights when I think 'why the hell didn't I become a super villain instead?'"

The audience laughed, including Shiera and Kara. Shiera had been pleasantly surprised when Superwoman (call me Kara!) had asked her if she was interested in a night out, just the girls. Wonder Woman (it's Diana, Shiera!) had been invited, too, but apparently she'd had some kind of thing back on her home island, so it was just the two of them. Not that Shiera minded. For all that Superwoman was by far the most powerful superhero on the planet, she did find her far less intimidating than the stunningly beautiful Amazon princess. Kara just seemed more... down to Earth, as weird as it was to describe an actual alien from outer space that way.

"Are there really that many super villains in this city?" Shiera asked, only half-listening to the comedian's increasingly outlandish tale of how he had avoided super-villain-hood by sheer chance and how a comedian's life was actually much weirder and more stressful.

"Well, maybe not so many actual SUPER villains," Kara said, sipping her drink. "But Gotham does seem to produce a large numer of weirdos that dress up and commit their crimes in overly complicated and themed ways. Not sure why."

"Something in the water maybe?" Shiera proposed, only half-joking.

"Nah, Batman and I stopped those ninja assassin guys from putting their fear toxin in the city's water supply."

Shiera just stared at her for a long moment. "Your life is weird!" she finally said.

Kara opened her mouth to answer, but then stopped, cocking her head to the side.

"What is it?" Shiera asked, guessing that Kara had picked up something with her enhanced hearing.

"Some kind of commotion behind the stage. I'll better..."

The curtains behind the comedian flew open dramatically and a figure in a purple suit appeared on stage as if by magic. Her face was covered in white makeup, her hair was a screaming green, and her grin was so broad, it seemed unnatural.

"Hello, Gotham," Joker greeted the crowd, waving her arms wide. "It's time to start laughing for real!"

"Great," Kara muttered. "Joker!"

"I read about her," Shiera whispered to her. "Should we… I mean..."

Kara seemed uncertain, surely aware of the many eyes watchin the stage and the fact that neither of them were wearing their superhero costumes.

"Now I know that the comedians in this club aren't exactly a guarantee for laughter," Joker began.

"Hey," the comedian said, looking offended.

"Sorry, honey, but your story about you almost becoming a super villain is neither funny nor in any way, shape, or form believable. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. It's time for some laughter! Especially from the gentlemen in the back row who are currently doing their best to remain inconspicuous despite being part of a sex slave trafficking ring. But hey, it's a dishonest living, right?"

Kara's eyes swiveled towards the three men in question, who now seemed very, very nervous.

"And to make sure we're all going to have a great time, I brought some presents! Well, one present! But a really big one that will surely put a smile on all your faces!"

Joker produced a large canister from somewhere behind the stage.

"Okay, now we're going to have to do something," Kara said. "Can you keep those three guys from leaving?"

"On it!" Shiera answered. Thankfully she had decided to bring along a little bit of her Hawkwoman equipment, just to be on the safe side. The Nth-metal-forged brass knucks weren't much, but they would enhance her strength tremendously.

"Now, never fear, brave Gothamites," Joker said, her hands on the lid of the canister. "I promise you, it will be fun! Lots of fun! Well, not for those gentlemen in the back who... hey, why is there a readhead sneaking up on them?"

"Oh, for Rao's sake," Kara said, quickly moving towards the laughing woman. "Give me that!"

"Hey, that's mine," Joker protested when Kara wrenched the canister out of her hands. "Well, not really mine, I didn't pay for it, but still! You can't just go and take canisters filled with experimental laughing gas from people who are just trying to make someone laugh! That's not funny!"

"Joker, shut up," Kara said.

Joker paused for a moment, looking closer at her face. "Hey, I know you! Oh! Oh! It's you! It's you! Wow, I haven't seen you since..."

"Not now," Kara hissed at her. "Now what kind of gas..."

There was a ping inside the canister.

"Too late!" Joker chuckled, taking a step back.

Shiera, who had just quietly knocked out the last of the three supposed slave traders, looked up. Purple-colored gas exploded outwards from the rupturing canister, but before it could spread beyond the stage, Kara simply took deep breath and inhaled the entire cloud.

"Wow," Shiera just said.

"Did she just inhale all of my precious gas?" Joker asked. "Man, what a pair of pipes! I'm sure you have a great singing voice, too!"

"Kara, are you okay?" Shiera asked, stepping closer to the other woman.

Kara raised a finger, signaling her to wait, and a moment later she was simply gone. Shiera needed a moment to process, but then understood. Kara's lungs were full of gas, she needed to release it somewhere. Probably miles up in the sky.

"Did you know your friend is really Superwoman?" Joker asked her, stepping up beside her.

"I know," she growled, wondering whether it might not be a good idea to cave the clown's face in.

"Really? What gave it away?"

"Is this still part of the act?" someone from the audience asked.

"Uh, sorry for the interruption, folks," the comedian on stage said, clearly trying to salvage the situation. "I... I am not sure what happened, to be honest, but that's Gotham City for you! Now, we don't we get back to..."

In a burst of super speed Kara was back suddenly, causing both Shiera and Joker to jump.

"So, the gas is gone," Kara said, smiling. Smiling broadly. Smiling extremely broadly.

"Í know I keep going on about people needing to smile more," Joker said, once again taking a step back, "but you might be overdoing it a bit, honey. Really, that kind of smile... I'm not sure it's a good thing on you!"

"Of course it is," Kara said, grinning manically from ear to ear. "I don't think I've ever felt this good in my entire life!"


One hour later (8 pm)

"And then they just… got up on stage and started singing?" Batgirl asked, confused.

"No, that was actually my idea," a new voice said beside her. Batgirl only now noticed the young blonde woman who had stood up to join them. She was in her early twenties maybe and was dressed in rather conservative looking business attire, a pair of big glasses on her nose.

"And you are...?" Batgirl asked.

"Oh, sorry. I am Doctor Harleen Quinzel, I work with the Gotham City PD as a profiler. Great to meet you, Batgirl, I'm a big fan! Well, not a fan of the way you and Batman break the law to apprehend criminals, but you know what I mean."

Batgirl really didn't know how to connect this introduction to what was happening on stage. Apparently her confusion was easily visible on her masked face, though.

"Oh, yes. I was in the audience when this all went down. It was easily apparent that the gas affected Superwoman somewhat like a huge amount of alcohol, driving her into a state of intoxification. Now with many people, such a state can easily lead to outbursts of violence, which... yeah, with her being Superwoman, would probably not end well at all. So I figured the best way to... well, handle the situation was to… keep her entertained."

"Keep her... entertained?" Batgirl asked, aghast. "That is Superwoman up there, the most powerful person on this entire planet! If she's... intoxicated or... or whatever is going with her, we need to call Batman! We need to call Wonder Woman! We need to call the entire damn Justice League! We..."

"BATGIRL?" someone yelled from the stage, causing the walls to rattle.

By the time Batgirl had turned around, Superwoman was already next to her and an arm like a steel vise clamped around her shoulders.

"Uh, yes?" Batgirl said, feeling very breakable right now.

"You're here, too!" Superwoman cheered, her voice slightly slurred. "Rao, this is so great! This is turning into the most perfect girl's night out ever! Come up and sing with us!"

Escaping from the clutches of a hurricane would have been easier.

"Just go along with it," Dr. Quinzel whispered to her.


Nine hours later (5am)

Kara clutched her head in her hands

"So... let me get this straight! I inhaled some gas..."

"Laughing gas," Joker interrupted her. "My own brand. I call it Smilex! Trademark pending!"

The glare of two glowing red eyes made her take a step back and she panthomimed zipping her lips shut.

"I inhaled some laughing gas," Kara continued, "and somehow this caused me to become... drunk?"

"Thankfully it seems you're a happy drunk," Shiera said, patting her shoulder. "Very pushy, but happy."

"I don't get it," Kara said, leaning back on the couch. "No Earth toxin has ever affected me in the slightest!"

"Well, you inhaled enough gas to blanket an entire city block," Dr. Quinzel offered. "The immense compression it underwent in your lungs must have increased its potency immensely."

Kara looked at Shiera and Batgirl. "And... that was it? We were on stage, singing and dancing, until the effects wore off and I went to sleep?"

The two redheads shared an uncomfortable glance.

"Well," Shiera finally said. "Not exactly!"


Seven hours ago (10pm)

"Shouldn't we stay in the club?" Joker asked, pointing at the building behind them. "I like the club. Okay, the comedians aren't funny, but the lights are low, the drinks are good, less chance of wide-scale property damage,..."

"Oh, don't be a party pooper," Superwoman said, a hand that could crush coal into daimond resting casually on Joker's shoulder as she led them outside. "I need some air! We need some air! We need to go up, up, and away!"

"What does she...," Dr. Quinzel began.

Incredibly strong arms grabbed two women each – Shiera and Batgirl on one side, Joker and Dr. Quinzel on the other - and a moment later all five of them were shooting upwards into the sky.

"Would this be a bad moment to mention that I'm not good with heights?" Dr. Quinzel asked.

"How is this even working?" Joker asked. "She is barely touching us! Not that I'm complaining about the whole not-falling-to-my-death thing, you know?"

"And me without my wings," Shiera muttered.

"Hawkwoman?" Batgirl whispered, excitedly, causing Shiera to groan.

"Man, you girls really suck at the secret identity thing," Joker remarked.

"I really have a problem with heights," Dr. Quinzel said again.

"There is nothing better than flying, girls! Am I right?" Kara laughed.

"You're a shrink, right?" Joker asked the terrified doctor currently holding on to her jacket for dear life. "I think I might need one before this night is over!"


One hour later (11pm)

"C-c-c-can we g-g-g-g-o back to flying?" Batgirl asked, skidding across the ice like a human-sized hockey puck.

Upon landing in Gotham's central park, Superwoman had immediately proceeded to use her freeze breath (freeze breath? What kind of power was that?) to turn the entire lake before them into one solid mass. Then she announced that it was time to ice skate.

"Oh, quit complaining, Baby Bat," Joker told her, sliding past her as if she was a championship skater. "A frozen butt is tons better than a crazed alien dropping you from tremendous height."

"She is only crazed because of you, you... madwoman!"

"Wow, we really need to work on your insults, girl! I'd laugh if it wasn't so pathetic." She paused a moment, then shrugged. "What the hell, I'll laugh anyway!" She then proceeded to do just that, which immediately caused Superwoman to start laughing again, too.

"Your turn, Dr. Harley," Kara announced, grabbing the blonde doctor.

"No, that's fine, I don't neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…." Superwoman sent her skidding across the ice with a single shove, the blonde somehow managing to remain upright.


Three hours later (2am)

"I don't like what this is saying about my state of mind, but this is almost cathartic, in a strange kind of way," Dr. Quinn said.

The group of women was standing at the edge of an old industrial park. A large sign told them that the entire area was scheduled for demolition in a month to make room for a new solar energy facility, a project sponsored by Wayne Industries and K-Solutions.

"They'll save a lot of money, too," Joker announced. The woman had procured a cigarette from somewhere and had barely flinched when Superwoman had lit it with her heat vision. She was also using a black marker to cross out the date on the sign, over-writing it with today's date.

"Wheeeeee!" Another building collapsed as a human-sized projectile barreled through it at super speed. A moment later Superwoman was standing beside them again.

"Which one next?" she asked, hopping up and down. "Which one next?"

"How about the big one on the left?" Dr. Quinzel proposed. "It looks... mean."

And Superwoman was off again, reducing the building in question to rubble.


Three hours later (5am)

"Okay, I think I have heard enough," Kara said, hiding her flaming red face in her hands.

"Well, that was nearly the end of it," Shiera told her. "Shortly after that you dozed off and slept like a rock until five minutes ago."

"Please tell me those three guys didn't get away in the confusion, at least!"

Batgirl shook her head. "No, they're in police custody. Apparently they made a full confession, the only thing they wanted in return was safety from those 'crazy super chicks'!"

Joker piped up. "Oh, that should be our stage name! Crazy super chicks!"

"Joker…," Kara growled.

"Shutting up," the clown assured her.

Kara stood up, looking at Batgirl and Shiera. "Well, all I can say is, thank you! I imagine it wasn't exactly easy riding herd on drunken me all night. I didn't hurt anyone, right?"

"No, though I think you might want to look into an anonymous donation to that comedy club. It did take quite a bit of damage."

Kara nodded, turning to look at Dr. Quinzel. "You as well, doctor. I doubt this kind of thing is really part of your job description, not even in Gotham."

"It certainly was an experience," Dr. Quinzel replied. "And... yeah, an experience. I'll probably think of a more witty description at some point, but right now I'm far too tired."

"I hear you, doc," Shiera muttered.

"What should we do about Joker?" Batgirl asked. "Hey, where did she go?"

Kara just shrugged. "She slipped out a minute ago and is currently ducking into an alley across the street."

"Shouldn't we arrest her?" Shiera asked. "She did release that gas on you!"

"I know," Kara sighed. "I probably should take her in, but I doubt she really intended for any of this to happen and she did stay with us all night and helped keep me out of trouble. Plus, three slave traffickers off the streets."

"Okay then," Shiera nodded, yawning. "Can we go home now?"


One hour and ten minutes later (6:10 am)

"And that was the end of it," Harleen dictated into her recorder. "All the superheroes left, the three sex slave guys are in police custody, and Joker... well, who knows where she went to. And me… well, I think I'm going to bed now."

Shutting off the recorder, she got up to do just that. In that moment, though, the door flew open.

"Hi, Dr. Harley," the Joker cheered, immediately wrapping her up in a hug. "So glad to see you are still up and about. I have soooooo many things I need to talk about, so you better start your clock, doc! Ha, that rhymes!"

"Uh... what?" Harleen was far too tired to really understand what was going on.

"Hey, this was your idea," Joker told her sternly. "You offered to become my shrink, so now we get shrinking, doc! And smile while doing it, that puts the patients at ease, I hear."

Harleen blinked. "I never... I said I would be interested in studying your case! I never said anything about becoming your personal therapist!"

"Po-tay-to, po-ta-to," Joker waved her concerns away and deposited herself on Harleen's couch. "Anyway, this whole thing with Superwoman last night really got me thinking, doc. I am seriously considering the possibility that I have a major crush on her. What do you think?"

Harleen groaned and collapsed forward onto her desk. What had she done to deserve this?


End Chapter 61

Author's Note: I have really toiled a long a time with this chapter. It was actually one of the first I had started writing for this story, but somehow I never really got it to work. Multiple re-writes were involved, some of them starring Catwoman and Poison Ivy as well, and there was even Red Kryptonite included at one time. Harley Quinn (or Dr. Quinzel, rather) came rather late to the party, but after someone mentioned in the reviews that they would like to see my version of the Joker interact with her own version of Harley, I thought of ways to include her. I began writing a version narrated by Harley breaking the fourth wall, but eventually decided against it. In the end I tied it back to Hawkwoman and Superwoman going out for drinks (briefly mentioned in chapter 55) and went from there. So now this chapter here is finally out and off my back. Hope it was worth the wait and the amount of work.

For reference, Superwoman and Batman prevented the poisoning of Gotham's water supply way back in chapter 6, where they first met. Joker was last seen in chapter 13.