Chapter 18 – To Gloom
''You're not very good at being subtle.'' Sakura commented, smiling at the shocked look the miko now had on her face. ''Ask what you want to know, my friend. I doubt you came here to discuss today's weather.''
Blushing, Kagome looked down and tried to avoid embarrassing herself even more. After a whole week back to the castle and catching up with Rin's tutoring, as well as Shippo's, the miko realized that she was being a coward and glared at her own reflection before deciding to seek the green eyed youkai.
What Sesshoumaru had said never left her mind, and as she was forced to stay awake some nights because of the images that assaulted her mind, she felt herself not wanting to hear the youkai's answer to her question. Kagome knew very well the fear those memories brought, she did not wish to cause pain to the one that had been so kind to her during her stay in the shiro, but once she realized she had been making excuses to avoid Sakura, she decided to just get over with it.
As she stood in front of the kind youkai, Kagome realized she was not ready to do this but even if she said she wanted absolutely nothing, the woman wouldn't believe. Asking about the weather wasn't really a good idea, she would need to think about other topics to avoid a conversation she dreaded having later.
''So?'' Sakura asked, a gentle smile on her face, and Kagome sighed.
She wasn't ready. She wanted to run and pretend this moment had never happened, but when she was about to dismiss Sakura, she heard Kaede's words inside her mind, giving her strength to keep going.
''It's in the moment where you think to yourself - I'm not really sure I can accomplish this. - and push yourself forward that something magical happens.'' The older miko's voice rang in Kagome's head, bringing back memories long forgotten. ''I believe that is the exact moment where you have a breakthrough, you know you're not ready to do it, but you try anyway. This is how you grow my dear, so do not be afraid to take a step forward because of the fear of falling down, otherwise you will remain frozen in time while everyone else moves to their destiny. It would be a pity to see someone so bright and talented like you not move forward because of your own foolishness.''
Taking a deep breath and setting her mind up, Kagome gathered her courage and then spoke. ''I've been having nightmares." Her voice was low, almost as if she was afraid of speaking, and Sakura's eyes softened in return. ''At first it was easy to pretend nothing happened, I was in denial and it was quite comforting to ignore the problem and focus on my new life here. Rin distracted me, Shippo too, watching Jaken scream around was amusing and I had a hundred youkai to worry about, so I didn't put much effort into accepting my past.''
''Go on, my dear.'' Sakura spoke, letting a flower go from her fingers and moving to sit closer to the miko, holding her hand.
''Lately I haven't been able to ignore it anymore.'' Kagome whispered, gulping, and Sakura braced herself for whatever the miko was about to say. ''I dream about them all the time, I feel their hands touching me and ripping my clothes away as I'm powerless to stop them. I can remember every single promise they made, of how they would use me once their master was done, and even when I wake up, I can't stop shaking.''
Sucking in a breath, Sakura's hands tightened around hers and the youkai closed her eyes. The miko she came to consider a friend was trembling in front of her and she knew very well what she was talking about, having experienced the same terrifying situation years ago. As Sakura opened her eyes again, she saw Kagome's hopeless expression and pulled the girl into a hug, knowing that she needed the support, the reassurance that everything was fine now.
''Sesshoumaru-sama spoke to me, he even started training me after I told him what happened but it never stops...'' She whispered, her voice hoarse as the first tears started to fall down and she hugged the youkai back tightly. ''The fear never stops. I can't sleep anymore and the children are starting to notice, I panicked when a youkai grabbed me and if it wasn't for Sesshoumaru, I think I would've blown the whole forest around me in fear with my reiki. Sesshoumaru said you could help me so I beg you, please make it stop, Sakura-chan.''
''Oh my dear, there's nothing to do to make it stop, believe me, I tried.'' Sakura whispered, running her fingers through the miko's hair. ''I know how it feels, the hopelessness that takes over you when you remember, but it gets better. I promise.''
''Did… Did it happen with you too?'' Kagome asked between her sobs, her happy mask crumbled down completely and all that was left was her despair and a soul that ached for comfort, for someone to erase her pain and make her forget.
''It was ten years ago, he's dead now.'' Sakura whispered, her bright green eyes suddenly becoming darker as she remembered everything. ''You see, my father died when I was only a child, I didn't get to know him very well, and my mother passed way when I was only a teenager because of an unknown sickness at the time.''
''I thought youkai couldn't get sick.'' Kagome frowned, pulling back from the hug to properly pay attention to the story, tears still running down her face.
''It's very rare, the sickness took all her strength away and slowly destroyed her organs. Even though she knew she didn't have much time, she always wore a smile and tried to enjoy life to the fullest, she had a peaceful grin on her face when she left us.'' Sakura spoke, smiling fondly as tears welled up in her eyes at the memory of the woman she had loved so much.
Moving to hold the woman's hand, Kagome gave her a squeeze and a shaky smile. She knew the feeling of having no one else around her, of being the only one left behind, and realized that for Sakura it should've been much worse than for her. To be loved and then lost sounded like pure despair, and though for a while she had Kaede to consider as family, it wasn't the same thing. ''She's with your father now, it was for the best.''
''Yes, she was happy even in her worst moments, I truly wish to be as strong as she was.'' Sakura spoke, her voice trembling as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. ''With both my parents gone I had no one else related to me, the ones who were still alive I lost contact over the years and I was never really fond of them.''
''I decided to become a healer because of my mother. I wanted to help people, human and youkai alike, so they wouldn't have to suffer like she did. Sesshoumaru took care of me after this and even though he denies it to his core, he is very kind, but I guess not many would believe the Western Lord to be anything but merciless.'' Sakura shrugged, making Kagome gave her a knowing smile.
''He is, he tried to deny it when I said it because I don't think anyone ever really called him kind. He's way more than the bored mask he wears every day, he just doesn't want anyone to find what he tries so hard to hide.'' Kagome spoke, remembering the surprised look in his eyes when she had this talk with him.
''That stubborn dog, I don't know what I'll do with him…'' Sakura huffed, before continuing the story. ''Akio also became a good friend of mine, and I was happy here until the mating proposals started to show up. I was a young female in my prime, healthy enough to bear a lot of pups, so I guess it wasn't really a surprise when males started to court me.''
Kagome's eyes widened when she heard this, and she prayed to the Kamis that it hadn't been her mate the one to commit such an atrocity.
''Since I had no family they had to ask permission to Sesshoumaru, the current Lord of the House, to mate me. Sesshoumaru's only answer was that he wasn't anyone's caretaker and if I didn't wish to mate any of them, they would just have to deal with it because he wasn't going to do anything about the situation, he had better things to do in his shiro.'' Sakura spoke, an amused glint in her eyes as she recalled the several angry faces of the ones the daiyoukai brutally dismissed.
''Somehow his answer doesn't surprise me.'' Kagome giggled, imagining the scene, it had to be at least amusing.
''Indeed.'' Sakura smirked. ''I had been raised with the knowledge that I would be given to someone I didn't know and obliged to mate with them, I was fine with it, but when I saw that I had the chance to change my future, I took it. I rejected them all. I was young, still am, and I had too many places to explore and people to meet. I didn't want to be tied down to a stranger, I'm a romantic at the heart Kagome-chan, I still wish to mate with someone I love, be them a human or a youkai.''
The miko smiled, but as she saw he friend's face become serious, her smile disappeared and she prepared herself for whatever that was to come.
''Most males were annoyed with me but left me in peace, some tried to show themselves off in an attempt to catch my attention but they all failed and eventually gave up, all but one.'' Sakura's expression now was cold, making Kagome's heart twist painfully in her chest. ''I don't remember his name but I'll never forget his face. He was a vicious bat youkai and always succeeded in scaring the hell out of me, his aura was so dark and twisted that it made me uneasy.''
Kagome gulped, this was painfully similar with what had happened with Onigumo. She remembered when she first met him, she had been thrown into a dirty cell and after a while he came for her, his face with a twisted smirk and a dangerous glint in his eyes. She knew right then what was going to happen and his aura was so evil that it made her insides crawl, she had never been so scared in her whole life.
''I was calmly walking though the gardens one day when he appeared and grabbed me, I tried to fight but my chest suddenly started to burn.'' Sakura spoke, taking a shaky breath before she kept going. ''I panicked when I realized that my youki had been locked away, he dragged me to an empty stable and threw me on the floor. When my mind finally caught up with what was happening, I started to scream as if my life depended on that, and in a way, it did.''
Kagome felt the hands on her lap shaking but somehow, she couldn't identify if it was hers or Sakura's, they both disturbed by their own memories.
''I screamed until my throat hurt, even when he kicked me and told me to shut up or else it was going to be a lot worse I didn't stop.'' Sakura whispered, a haunted look on her face, her eyes now void of any emotion. ''After what it seemed like an eternity and my voice was slowly starting to disappear along with my clothes, someone came rushing through the small door of the stable and I felt the weight of the disgusting vermin disappear from my body as hands started to dress me again.''
Kagome let out a shaky breath, glad that someone had appeared to save her from what would inevitably happen. ''Thank Kami.''
''Akio was the one I found at my side once I gathered enough courage to open my eyes, I didn't even notice I had closed them before. He was shaking with anger and his aura was furious but even in this state, he held me with the care of a mother holding her child for the first time and whispered that everything would be okay.'' Sakura spoke, now looking slightly calmer than before. ''Sesshoumaru was the one who rushed first through the doors, I had never seen him so mad in my whole life. He always looked like the epitome of calm so when I looked at him and saw his eyes bleeding red, I became frightened. He killed the youkai before he even had a chance to ask what was happening, Sesshoumaru didn't even drag him to trial as the law demands, and I have the feeling that if he didn't kill the youkai then, Akio would've taken matters into his own hands.''
''I'm so glad you escaped.'' Kagome whispered shakily, sending a prayer to the Kamis for being kind enough to spare her friend of the pain, and it suddenly made sense why Sesshoumaru was so focused on making her master the dagger, why he seemed strangely disturbed when he found out what had happened to her.
As Sakura's words ran over her mind though, one thing stood out and left the miko confused. ''What is the trial?''
''Rape is one of the worst crimes a youkai can commit. Anyone who attempts to rape another person is permanently banned from society and sentenced to death, their families cut all ties with them before the execution happens, we condemn it.'' Sakura spoke, watching as the miko's eyes widened in surprise. ''It is not the same with humans?''
Regretfully shaking her head, Kagome spoke, her voice laced with pain. ''No, and sadly, no one really cares. It mostly happens with females and they are forced to marry the rapist, their families turn their backs to the victims and they are forced to live with the one that caused them the most horrible nightmare of their lives.''
''This is disgusting!" Sakura spat, her jaw clenching. ''And they dare to call us the savages, how can they accept this? No living creature should have to go through what those poor women go!''
''This is one of the reasons why I never believed youkai were truly evil.'' Kagome sighed. ''Many tried to convince me otherwise, but now that I found somewhere I can call home in the middle of the ones that should be my enemies, how can I think the priestesses are right? They just don't know better.''
''Did they-'' Sakura tried to ask but found herself unable to. Kagome was so pure, so cheerful, she couldn't believe this girl had gone through not only slavery but this too.
''No.'' Kagome shook her head and watched her friend sighed in relief. ''They attempted to but I panicked, my reiki lashed out at anything that held the slightest bit of youki and destroyed half of the soldiers that stood there at this day. I didn't even know youkai worked for that disgusting man, I'm just glad that they were scared enough to let me go and never look at me again.''
''I'm glad, I really am.'' Sakura whispered, at least she hadn't gone through the whole experience.
Silence took over the place and Kagome found herself breathing more easily, like a small weight had been lifted off her shoulders once she shared her story with someone that truly understood her fear. Still, there was a question that haunted her mind.
''How do you start to live with it?'' She asked, looking at her friend with a hopeful expression.
''The nightmares didn't stop for months.'' The green eyed youkai spoke, smiling sadly at the girl. ''I went through the denial stage for some good time. I pretended that nothing happened but after a while, I couldn't lie to myself anymore and the visions of his disgusting face haunted my once pleasant dreams.''
''It's like you're describing me.'' Kagome gave a humorless chuckle, wondering why they had to go through this. ''The darkness still exists inside of me. Almost every day I sit alone in bed, crying until the sun rises because of the nightmares and jumping in fear at the slightest of sounds. At first I couldn't stand the person I became so I pretended that everything was fine but I can't do this anymore. I'm breaking apart and I fear the moment where my emotions will grow dull and the only thing I will feel is this horrible sensation of hopelessness.''
Sakura bit her lip hard as she heard this, it was like she was talking to the youkai she was ten years ago, where she was in a stage of depression she would never wish anyone to go through.
''I locked myself in my room for the first month after what happened.'' The brown haired youkai spoke, making Kagome look at her, the girl's eyes shining with unshed tears. ''I refused to go out. I didn't like the brightness of the sun because the light showed the reality I was trying to avoid, so I hid in the darkness until the despair was too much for me to deal with it alone and I asked for help.''
''Did it work?'' Kagome asked, her voice hoarse and the tears now falling freely down her cheeks as she tried to grasp the smallest glimmer of hope anyone could offer her.
''Eventually, it took some time.'' Sakura spoke, pulling the miko into a hug. ''Akio spent every single hour of his day with me until I got better. Being alone never helped because my thoughts would drive me insane, I just couldn't help thinking about it. When he was needed, Sesshoumaru would be the one to offer me company and until today I've never seen anything more amusing than him trying to make small talk!"
Giggling, Sakura remembered of all the moments where she wanted to burst out laughing but held it back. ''I didn't laugh though, he was trying his best even though he wasn't comfortable with the situation and I was thankful for it. As time passed by, I realized something.''
''What?'' Kagome whispered, her voice muffled because she was hiding her face in the youkai's chest.
''I saw that there was more to me than the darkness inside my mind.'' Sakura's soft voice whispered. ''In the beginning I used to tell myself that I was doing a good job and that everything would be okay, that no one would be able to hurt me, but eventually I realized that my enemy was myself. So I accepted what happened and I cried for my almost lost innocence, I allowed myself to mourn over the naive me that died that day because there is nothing wrong with crying, my dear, and I should have noticed this a long time ago.''
Kagome choked on a sob as she heard this, and Sakura hummed a comforting melody as she ran her fingers through the girl's hair. ''I accepted the darkness that would never leave my heart and used it to make myself stronger. I became bigger than my demons, the ones that I couldn't physically kill, and so I made an agreement with them. I wouldn't pretend they didn't exist and they would remind me of what I went through when I felt down, so I would know just how far I've come and how strong I really was.''
Kagome clutched Sakura's kimono tighter, hope blossoming in her chest as she spoke. ''Can I make peace with my own demons too?''
''You can, and I will be right by your side until you feel that you can deal with them alone.'' Sakura whispered, smiling as her friend muttered a thank you before a new wave of tears fell down her face.
Looking at the sky, Sakura, saw the sun slowly setting and smiled as a sense of peace washed over her. Tomorrow Kagome would start anew, and she would help the miko to overcome her fears step by step.
Rant time, proceed with caution:
Something that has always bothered me with SessKag fanfiction or InuYasha's stories in general is that Kagome's raped in the great majority of them and she's completely cool with it because you know, they're soulmates and destined to be together, duh. I've read my fair share of stories that ended up bringing this kind of stuff into the plot and though a few of them addressed the issue as it really should be, most of the stories romanticized the act of rape. I don't vibe with that, and I really don't understand why so many authors portray it as something romantic because the reality is: rape is a crime. It's not cute. They didn't do it because they loved you so much and couldn't control themselves. They commited a crime. They should be in jail.
Authors have a certain amount of influence over their readers, so I wanted to write something that would stay true not only to what I believe but also to how I view the characters. Sesshoumaru, who takes pride in being in complete control of his beast would never lose himself to it and rape someone, it doesn't matter what kind of ''romantic'' bullshit some authors try to put as an explanation for that, it simply wouldn't happen. As for Kagome, she wouldn't stay with someone who did something as horrible as this to her. Many people still view her as one of the weakest characters in the series, but I believe she's one of the strongest. She would be strong enough to walk away.
With all that in mind, here's the chapter many of you were waiting and asking for. I've been receiving a lot of reviews wondering why Kagome seems fine most of the time and I hope this explains it a little bit. The pace of my stories tend to be extremely slow because if too much happens all at once, it doesn't feel natural to me. Everything I write is in slowburn mode, not only the romance, so the exposure of some topics may take a while to happen.
As always, thank you for your support.
With love,
Narumi.
