Chapter 24 – To Accept

Kagome had purposefully eaten slowly.

She could see the curiosity in Sesshoumaru's eyes when she spoke about needing his help and decided to punish him for teasing her, slowly making him go insane as she took way too long to chew each bite of her food. He eventually realized what she had been doing and glared at her, but she simply smirked in satisfaction and then asked for him to walk with her in the gardens.

''The moon looks beautiful.'' Kagome muttered as she stopped walking and turned to face the night sky. A thousand stars shone bright above them, the crescent moon in the sky seeming to pay homage to Sesshoumaru himself. Too similar to the family crest on his forehead to be a mere coincidence.

''Indeed, but you did not drag me here to talk about it.'' He said, making Kagome smile at his eagerness before deciding to speak.

''I spent the whole afternoon reading a book about spells that vary from youki-based to reiki-based, and I came across an interesting information… There are relates of some priestesses being able to materialize their reiki to the point of it becoming solid and able of killing a human.''

She watched his eyes widen as he heard her speak, comprehension dawning upon him as he understood exactly what she meant.

''It sounds brutal, right? I'm a holy woman, with powers made for protecting humans, and yet I'm asking a daiyoukai to teach me how to hurt my own kind.'' Kagome sighed, feeling torn. ''But even if you think I'm cold blooded, I don't want to be left defenseless ever again. If they take my dagger away I won't have an escape. I need to become stronger, Sesshoumaru.''

''And how do you want me to help you?'' He asked, tilting his head slightly to the side so he could stare at her better. The moonlight touched her face in a way that made her eyes almost look silver, the contrast with her raven hair making him wonder if he ever saw her like that one day in the middle of his travels, would he realize she was human or mistake her for a celestial being?

''Why can youkai hurt their own kind and many others, and yet, a miko cannot?'' She asked, frowning. ''The core of our powers is the same, yet, I cannot kill a human with my reiki while you can kill a youkai with your youki.''

He watched her. The way her form trembled at the slightest breeze of the wind, how her eyes shone with rage and strength and yet he could clearly see how torn she was with her request. How far had life truly pushed her, for such a thought to become her darkest desire? For her to not only wish on it, but act too? And how could have she suffered so much, and yet have the strength to be kind to all those around her?

He spent a moment in silence contemplating if he wanted to be the one to make her cross that bridge. It didn't feel right, to help her kill her innocence when it should've been protected and preserved all along. She would never be the same once it was all said and done, and yet, would it truly be that bad to see her change? Was the way she was now truly better than what she would become? He didn't wish to be the one to bring such an abrupt change into her life, however, if she was standing in front of him asking for his help, that change had already happened. She would never be able to return to the innocence she had before it all crashed down, they would never see her as holy again – but they would see her for what she was. Powerful. Dangerous. Deadly.

And never again weak.

''The answer is quite simple, actually.'' He spoke, making up his mind. She had asked for his help, he would not deny her.

''Tell me, please, help me understand.'' Her tone was hopeful, and he wondered if she would still feel that way once it was all explained.

''You cannot hurt humans because you suppress the other side of your reiki.'' He spoke, looking into her eyes and seeing nothing but confusion reflected on them. ''Unlike what they teach at the shrines, the core of your power is not holy at all.''

''How can that be?''

''Humans do not accept their darker side. They hide it, pretend it does not exist, it is the same with the priestesses. Their most primal feelings, their true nature are suppressed to the point some might think it does not even exist anymore, thus creating the illusion of holy.'' The daiyoukai spoke, watching how her eyes widened slightly. ''We, youkai, accept our primal side since birth. It is our only option because if we reject it, our beast kills us. We are not evil, but we are not good either, our power is neutral and this is what allows us to kill both humans and our own kind.''

''So, I also have a dark side?'' Her voice was nothing but a whisper, and he wished she could've been spared of all the pain she had been through. In that moment, she seemed made of the most fragile glass, ready to shatter at any second. The look didn't fit her, and his resolution to help her become stronger only ingrained itself deeper into his being. She would never have to be this hopeless again.

''You repress it with fear miko, I can see it even now, but you need to remember that there is no Yang without Yin.'' He spoke after a moment. ''Think about it, there is no light without darkness, no day without night. It is past time humans stop pretending they do not have an evil side, as they like to call it, for without it there is no balance.''

''I think I understand...'' Kagome muttered, biting her lip.

The daiyoukai had destroyed everything she had learned her entire life in just a few seconds, she felt lost. Youki was darkness, reiki was light. That was what they taught her in classes, that was what she believed until now.

Kagome always knew there was something strange with this knowledge, though. Kaede had taught her that there were good youkai and bad humans alike so why did youki have to be only made of darkness? It never made sense to her, there were evil priestesses too, and not only the ones that labeled themselves as dark mikos. There were priestesses who wore the holy garb, prayed to the protector of their shrine, laughed as if there was nothing to worry in the world, and yet, were evil in its purest form. Kagome had met some of them, pretending to behave in front of the superiors and yet, as soon as no one was around, they tortured innocent animals just for the sake of it and cursed the Kami while getting drunk to the point of not knowing where they were anymore.

''The same way we blow candles out before going to sleep, we also close our eyes when something bad happens. We unconsciously depend on the darkness, but humans like to pretend they do not need it.'' Sesshoumaru's voice snapped her out of her musings, and her eyes suddenly widened.

''I see it now…'' She whispered, the oldest memory she had of Kaede suddenly flashing right before her eyes.


''Kaede-sama!" A crying little girl came running to the arms of a middle-aged woman, who stopped practicing archery to hug the little one.

''What happened, child?'' She asked, sensing the distress in the girl's aura.

''They killed it! They called it purifying but it wasn't that, they murdered it!" The girl burst out crying, hugging the one that was the closest thing to a mother she ever had.

''Who killed what, Kagome?'' The miko asked, frowning as she pulled the child to her lap.

''I was playing next to the woods when I heard a crying sound, the others heard it too and came with me to see what it was.'' Kagome sobbed, pointing at the way she came. ''I found a baby neko youkai there, it was so small and scared, Kaede-sama. I held it and it stopped crying, it just wanted its mother. I was going to take care of it but they ordered me to put it down, when I refused, they pushed me to the ground and kicked the kitten away, then put an arrow straight through its heart, claiming that they were purifying the world!"

''Oh, my child…'' Kaede whispered, running her finger through the girl's hair.

''They claim that youkai are evil, Kaede-sama, but what they are then?'' Kagome asked, pulling away to look into the woman's brown eyes. ''They killed an innocent being that didn't know how to protect itself, the neko just needed its mother or someone to take care of it. How can they be so cold blooded?''

Pressing her lips into a thin line, Kaede searched for any wounds on the girl's body and sighed in relief when she found none. ''I do not know, my dear, but promise me you will never be like them. They are fools who do not understand our real purpose on Earth.''

''I will never be like them! I will never kill a being that needs protection, I promise!" Kagome said, her jaw clenching in anger. The girl couldn't understand, how could they be so cruel?

''I want you to pay attention to my words, my child, and promise me you'll never forget it.'' The woman spoke, smiling softly when the girl nodded fiercely. ''Nothing in this world is only made of darkness or only made of light, do not listen to the ones who try to tell you otherwise. There are kind youkai in this world, just like there are horrible and cruel humans, nothing is only black or white. Do you know why we, mikos, were created, Kagome?''

''To protect?'' The girl whispered, and the woman smiled brightly at her.

''Yes, to protect not only humans but youkai too. We were created by the Kami to protect everything in this world that deserves a helping hand, and it's up to you to decide who is worth saving, not to the old teachers that claim we need to exterminate everything that isn't human from the Earth.'' The miko spoke, the child nodded, and Kagome's memory faded away.


''She had been trying to teach me this ever since I was a child, how could I have forgotten?'' Kagome whispered to herself, suddenly feeling very stupid.

''What do you speak of, miko?'' Sesshoumaru asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

''Kaede had taught me this long ago, but I forgot.'' She said, biting her lip. ''Nothing in this world is only made of darkness or only made of light, she had told me this when I was young, I see it now.''

''The one you speak of is wise, you should have listened to her words.'' Sesshoumaru commented, making Kagome smile sadly.

''She was like a mother to me, I wonder if she's still alive.'' The girl sighed, suddenly feeling lonely. ''I understand her words, but how can I stop suppressing the other half of my powers? I didn't even know I was doing it.''

''Meditate,'' It was Sesshoumaru's answer, as if it was the most simple thing in the world. ''Go to the core of your soul, find the source of your power and connect with it, accept your true nature.''

''I see.'' Kagome muttered, nodding.

She wanted to try it now, the night was the only moment she had for herself when she didn't ask Sakura or Jaken to care for the children during the morning, but it was too dark. The ghosts of her past still haunted her and brought her back to the night she was taken, she did not want to be alone.

She opened her mouth to ask him to stay, but he softly shook his head and sat down in the grass, making her eyes widen. ''I will watch over you.''

''Thank you.'' She spoke softly, smiling as she sat in front of him and then closed her eyes, assuming the correct posture to meditate.

It hadn't been that hard to empty her mind. The night was silent, the sound of the frogs lulled her into an almost sleeping state and it was easy to let her guard down when she knew that Sesshoumaru was there, watching her. Kagome felt safe, and after a while, the blankness that took over her mind was replaced by a wisp of pink light that beckoned her to follow it.

The more Kagome walked in the direction the light led her, the brighter her reiki shone, illuminating the darkness around her. It didn't take long for the miko find herself surrounded by her reiki, that concentrated in a giant sphere in front of her. Her power was calm, it moved softly around her, and Kagome wondered if it was supposed to be like that.

Pressing her lips together, the miko gazed at the pink light and formed a connection with it. She felt that it was contained, suppressed just like Sesshoumaru said, and she fought to bring down whatever was holding her reiki back. Slowly, she started to think about everything the humans pretended it didn't exist in them, then proceeded to embrace every single feeling she could remember ignoring, pretending she was too pure to feel it.

She acknowledged her rage for being powerless and captive for so long, the bloodlust she felt even now and the desire to kill every single samurai that captured her and haunted her in her dreams. She told herself that it was okay to feel a twisted kind of satisfaction when she remembered that she had been the one to kill Onigumo, and she cherished the realization that she killed her former master's new body without even sweating. He couldn't touch her now.

She felt something breaking and spilling in front of her as she accepted her worst fears and told herself that there was nothing wrong with feeling sad and lonely every once in a while. She admitted that she lied way too many times to keep count, that the only reason she took care of Shippo back then was because she saw in him a way to save herself from her nightmares, and when she finally agreed that the only reason why she didn't want to leave the shiro was because she was selfish, she felt herself being almost pushed away by the intensity of what stood in front of her.

Her reiki raged and crashed into the walls of her mind in an aggressive dance, it had stopped being a light pink color to become a magenta one, a shade so dark that it almost looked red. The light surrounded her and pierced her soul, drowning everything with its intensity, and Kagome could only stare in awe at the sight in front of her. It reminded her of the sea in the middle of a storm, raging and crashing against the shore. Her power was too wild to be caged in, and she wondered how she had managed to subdue it for so long.

The miko stood there for a long time, connecting and trying to control the intensity of her reiki, not wanting to hurt anyone with it, and when she felt that she wouldn't explode, she allowed herself to come back to reality.

Sesshoumaru watched her during the whole time, and allowed himself to smile softly when he felt the change within her and saw her body be surrounded by a light so dark that it almost seemed crimson. When the miko opened her eyes, Sesshoumaru was standing in front of her with his hand extended, and after blinking, the miko held it and felt herself being pulled up as if she weighed nothing at all.

The moon was slowly fading away, Kagome could see that the dawn would come soon and apologized for keeping him awake for so long.

''Foolish,'' The daiyoukai said, making Kagome smile softly at his dismissal. ''Show it to me.''

After being confused for a second, Kagome nodded and closed her eyes. In her mind, she created a dagger made of her reiki. In her mind, she saw the same dagger cutting through one of the samurai's body, and focused her reiki into bending the way she wanted.

When she opened her eyes, she saw herself clutching a magenta dagger that glowed fiercely in the darkness and Sesshoumaru nodding in approval.

''I want you to hold back your purification power,'' Sesshoumaru spoke, making Kagome frown slightly. ''Allow only the physical manifestation of your reiki to stay and lock what makes it holy away only this once, you won't need to do it the next time.''

Pressing her lips together, Kagome focused on doing what he said, and found that it was easier than what she thought. After relying on her purification powers for so long, it seemed wrong to lock it away but once she did it, it didn't seem that unnatural to her.

''Done, I think.'' Kagome said, and Sesshoumaru moved to grab the wrist of the hand that held the dagger.

''Hn,'' He muttered as he brought the dagger closer to his face. After studying it for a while, his hand held hers and he moved the dagger to his face, cutting his cheek and making Kagome's eyes widen.

''Sessho-'' She tried to speak and raised her other hand to heal him, but the white pelt that usually stood on his shoulder moved to hold her hand back and she frowned. ''What are you-''

His gaze captured hers, making the question die on her tongue, and her heart sped up when he cut her own palm with the dagger and nodded in approval. The cut didn't hurt, it was too shallow for her to feel pain, and Kagome felt herself even more confused by the daiyoukai's behavior when he let the hand with the dagger go and grabbed the bleeding one, bringing it to his lips and licking the wound.

''Sesshoumaru?" Kagome spoke, confused. It didn't hurt, but she felt her palm tingling whenever he licked it and prayed to the Kami that it was simply because he touched her wound and it was stinging.

Once he seemed satisfied with his task, he let the hand go and Kagome curiously looked at her palm, only to see that the cut was now closed and quickly fading away. Deciding to ignore his strange behavior, she moved her hand to touch his cheek and heal the wound, then she cut a piece of her sleeve with the dagger and wiped the blood away.

''Why did you do that? Don't hurt yourself like this again." She scolded him, throwing the piece of bloodied silk away.

''It would heal in just a minute, miko, you should worry more about yourself.'' Sesshoumaru spoke, raising an eyebrow at her when she glared at him.

''Your cut was deeper than mine, I was fine.'' She argued, making Sesshoumaru shake his head at her.

''So selfless… What if the one you were trying to help hurt you?'' He said, making the woman roll her eyes at him.

''You would never hurt me though, I don't need to worry about that.'' She said, so full of conviction that it made Sesshoumaru's beast feel pride for her blind trust in them.

''One might never know, youkai are easily attracted by the bright and pure ones, seeking to corrupt them…'' Sesshoumaru said, stepping closer to her and raising his hand to touch her cheek. ''And your eyes have always seemed strangely bright to this one.''

Kagome's eyes closed when she felt his clawed finger touching her eyelid, making her heart beat painfully faster in her chest. She shivered as his fingers traced a path from her brow to her cheek, and then left her face, making her feel strangely disappointed.

''I cut my cheek to see if the purification power was really gone,'' Sesshoumaru said, stepping away from her. ''And I cut your palm to see if you could really hurt a human, you have been successful. If the purity had not been removed, you would not have been able to cut yourself because your own reiki would not allow it. You do not need to hold the holy part of your power back next time, unless you wish to inflict even more damage to your target.''

''I see.'' Kagome said, trying to calm her heartbeat and stop the shiver that took over her body. ''Thank you for helping me, Sesshoumaru.''

''They cannot hurt you now.'' The daiyoukai spoke, holding the fur on his hand and wrapping it around her shoulders. ''Come, it is too cold for you here. Rin gets easily sick in this weather and you need to visit your friend and the half-breed soon, it will not do for you to fall ill.''

Nodding, Kagome hugged the white pelt tightly around her body and started to follow the daiyoukai, thanking every Kami she knew for him not realizing that her shivers were not caused by the wind. Still, her heart beat fast for the rest of the night.