I've always been wondering if I've been doing a good job. Maybe I introduced too many characters from other universes or something? Maybe it's too confusing? I hope I'm doing my best since I'm trying to go under the assumption that the reader hasn't played WoW (or any other video game). Honestly, even if I don't get reviews, I hope this story is enjoyable regardless, and I hope I'm doing my best to make it clear and understandable.
Chapter 15
Bayroyal Hall is a large concert hall that is often used for the post prestigious bands and orchestras. Rumor has it that it can easily fit over ten thousand people, some arguing even more. That being said, this was the Terrance and Phillip performance, and every kid my age and around that, give or take, is a fan of the Canadian fart-duo. Why does everyone find them so funny? Children like myself (and myself included) see such farting actions as funny. Some conspiracy theorists have claimed that the Terrance and Phillip Show is Canada's way to impose their culture onto the U.S. to ruin the very fabric of what makes a true American. Mr. Garrison is one of those people who supports those theories.
That being said, we were standing outside Bayroyal Music Hall in a long line to get tickets at the ticket booth. It was a cool 74 degrees Fahrenheit, so I didn't mind standing around. I just am hoping tickets won't run out, which could very well be a real possibility. We would have to wait for another ten minutes in line. "I really hope we can get the tickets."
"Don't worry, we'll make it," Isaac reassured.
"So Stan." I turned to see who spoke, and it was Ray. "Just out of curiosity, what's the story about you guys pretending to play WoW in real life? Like the whole humans versus elves thing?"
"Oh that," Stan said, "uh, the conflict is pretty meta."
"...meta?" Ray tilted his head to the side. "What does that mean?"
"He's referring to personal issues," Wendy replied.
"Oh," Ray nodded.
"I'm not sure if you know this, Ray, but Cartman and Kyle hate each other." Stan let out a yawn. Oh nice, I can see where this conversation is going.
"Kyle's the one with the green hat, right?" Isaac asked.
"Yeah," Stan replied, "he and Cartman always fight, and I'm pretty sick of it. But it's mostly Cartman's fault, who has to rip on Kyle for being Jewish or having red hair, or Kenny for being poor, or, well everyone really."
"He's a giant asshole, Stan, and I'm not sure why you haven't quit hanging out with him," Wendy added, "he's a complete cancer."
Stan shrugged. "Well I feel bad for him to be honest, but you're right. He's an asshole."
Yeah, I know Cartman is a racist and sexist asshole who could also be a dangerous psychopath (one time, he killed Scott Tenorman's parents, turned them into chili, and fed the "chilli" to Scott). If I recall correctly, Cartman was probably the one who came up with the idea to frame Trent Boyette for arson back in preschool. He quite literally tries to invoke the Nazi spirit wherever he goes, and makes it his quest to trashtalk Jews whenever possible. But let's be honest here, Cartman not knowing his father and kids my age continually taunting him for his heavy weight did not make matters better. I too was one of the kids who used "fatass" or something similar to Eric Cartman as an insult, and let me tell you, he was so sensitive he'll do something that will make you want to regret it. I'm pretty sure Stan, Kyle, and their friends would taunt Cartman for his weight, and that's kinda what made him insane now. But alas, I don't want to say anything because I will gain nothing from arguing with Wendy and Stan about this. Plus, I don't think Cartman is going to be very fond of me after having getting the Stick taken away from him.
"So what's the two teams?" Ray asked. "You roleplayed as the Drow Elves, right Stan?"
"Well Kyle's the leader," Stan said, "and it's me, him, Jimmy, who is the kid on the crutches, and until now, Wendy and her friends are on the elf team. How did you get into Cartman's team anyways?"
"Well me and Cole ran into Butters getting beat up by an elf, and so I punched him in the face, then Butters thanked me and took me to Cartman's house." This was all true, according to Ray, since I was there as well.
"How did Cole wasn't sided with Cartman?" Stan asked.
"Cartman called me an asshole before pushing me away," I grumbled.
Wendy laughed. "Ha, Cartman, of all people, calling you an asshole."
I put my arms down with my palms out as I turned to Wendy. "I know, right? Talk about hypocrisy right there! I mean, clearly beating him up yesterday didn't change anything about him."
"Wendy, I liked the part where you mashed his face in yesterday," Isaac added.
Ray shook his head. "Wait, wait, what are you guys talking about? Who mashed who's face in?"
"Wendy beat up Cartman," Stan said.
Immediately, Ray began to laugh so hard he began to shed tears. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A LOSER! WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, FATASS GOT BEAT UP BY A GIRL?"
Wendy gave off a heroic smirk. "Believe it. What a loser he is."
That thought struck me in my heart again, like how this exact thought first came to my mind during school right before the fight of Wendy vs. Cartman, and I shuddered and closed my eyes a bit; it (again) kinda sickens me how sexist my generation can be. I could remember the many times that I was called a fag as Clyde and his friends beat me up. Not that I was homosexual myself, but they call me that because I'm not that strong, you know? Hell, Wendy can probably beat me up. "Yeah..." I clamped my mouth shut. Damnit Cole, you have got to learn to keep your mouth shut! I sounded like I gave off a hint of snarkiness and sarcasm and I didn't want to give off the wrong tone. But I have to change the subject quickly before they catch on. "You know who's a hypocrite? Butters." Nice.
"How so?" Stan asked.
I know I had my reasons for disliking Butters, I just have to remember what they were. "Um...uh...he's like a wolf in sheep's clothing!" Stan and Wendy raised an eyebrow, giving me that inquiring look. I sighed and closed my eyes. I felt dirty talking behind someone's back like this, gossiping to someone about bad things pertaining to one of their friends. "He tries to act all innocent and stuff, but he's kind of an ass as well. Like that one time, Stan, you made that bulllying video and Butters went off to beat up some show host."
"That was Dr. Oz," Stan corrected, "and I'd like to not remember that time, thanks."
Huh, how could I forget that? I nodded in response. "Right, but well you know what I'm saying, right?"
Wendy rolled her eyes. I might have fooled the other three, but I couldn't fool Wendy. She was just too socially perceptive. "Cole, you're not exactly the nicest person on the block either."
My stomach churned. Yeah, I know I'm not the nicest person, but is she trying to pick a fight with me right now? I figuratively felt like I was punched in the gut. I wanted to say something, but I feared both her and Stan would beat me up. I bit my tongue to avoid myself making any snide remark. I exhaled. "Well at least I, uh, don't start fights, you know?"
"Hey, it's our turn now!" I turned to see Isaac point to the booth. There was no one in front of us, so the five of us walked forward.
When we got to the booth there was a teenage kid with red hair and freckles, who was no older than sixteen. "Sorry, but we just ran out of tickets."
Immediately, every kid behind us in line yelled, "OH COME ON!" Various profanities were then yelled afterward and kids began to push and shove each other. I couldn't believe it. We were so close, and yet so far. It feels awful when you're so close to a prize but then something happens and you get denied.
"Oh Goddamnit!" Stan stomped the ground with rage. "Now what are we gonna do?!"
"I'll tell you what we're not gonna do!" Ray crossed his arms. "I'm going to get to Terrance and Phillip one way or another! Even if we have to sneak in!"
"Maybe if we ask the other kids nicely..." Isaac asked.
"Ask nicely?" Wendy was at Isaac's face. "You really think kids our age are going to throw away their tickets?"
"What if we gave money?" Isaac asked.
"They will overprice us for sure!" Wendy retorted. "And mind you, the money we have wasn't ours to begin with-" Wendy then glared at Stan. "-Stan!"
"Hey, two thousand dollars isn't going to fix the Nazi Zombie plague!" Stan redirected.
"This is great, wow!" I turned to see Harry Potter laughing. "Too bad I have the last tickets! I'm just waiting for my four friends. Enjoy your nothing, you stupid rednecks." He held out five tickets in his hand like a poker hand. "Hahahahahaha! I have the ti-ckets! And you do no-ot!" He then spat and the spit landed in front of my feet.
I was red with rage as I watched Harry turn his back to me to walk towards the entrance to Bayroyal Hall. Not only did he take the last five tickets, but he also spat in front of me. And this was the asshole who bullied us at lunch. I could feel my face and heart flare up. If I knew fire magic, I would be on fire right now, literally. "I have had enough of bullies and assholes like him! I have had enough of bullies like him walking all over me and my friends! I'm gonna teach that kid a lesson!"
I began to walk to Harry, but someone grabbed my right shoulder. Wendy's voice came to me. "Cole comeon, this isn't worth it."
"Go away, Wendy!" I couldn't believe I was hearing that out of Wendy as I pushed her arm away from me. I then narrowed my eyes at Harry's back and speedwalked towards him. At ten yards away, I shouted, "HEY FUCKFACE!"
Harry turned around to face me. "What?"
"EAT SHIT, FAGGOT!" I raised both of my arms and hands into the sky, and suddenly a beam of moonlight shone down on Harry, exploding on him and searing him with lunar energy. This technique is called "Moonfire".
"AH!" Harry crouched a little and grabbed his head in pain. "WHAT THE FUCK!" Periodically, the lunar residuals will fry his body for about twenty seconds or so. "YOU FUCKING ASSWIPE!" Harry whipped out his wand and did a little wave. "EAT THIS! EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
An ethereal ghost-like stag shot out of Harry's wand, traveling towards me. I jumped to the right to avoid being trampled by the ghost stag. As the stag traveled to the left of me, I watched where it went. It went to my friends, but they jumped out of the way as well. I turned back to Harry. I immediately shapeshifted into a cat and lept straight for Harry. "RAH!"
"AH!" Harry tried to run but it was no use.
I immediately raked Harry with a sideways sweep to the left to bleed him. I then maimed him with two of my paws to stun him out. Then I grabbed his head with my right paw and slammed him down on the ground. I smacked his head on the ground, lifted it up, and smacked it again on the ground, doing so repeatedly. Each time I smacked his head on the ground, I said a word. "FUCK! YOU! AND! RON! AND! HERMIONE! YOU! JACKASS!"
My friends then circled around me. "Alright! Holy shit!" Stan then took my right paw. "We don't need to kill him!" Isaac also came to help Stan.
I shapeshifted back into my human form, and Stan and Isaac let go of my right hand. "I've had enough of people like Harry Potter!" I then knelt down to take the five Terrance and Phillip tickets out of Harry's left hand and handed each to my friends.
"Cole, seriously, you were out of control there," Wendy argued.
"Cole, this isn't you," Isaac reasoned.
I sighed. "I - I just had enough of being pushed around from assholes like Harry!"
"You're being Butters," Stan said, "stop it."
Stan was right. I was being Butters. I was being the hypocrite I've abhorred. In fact, I could be compared his to Cartman. After all, I did almost strew Harry's entrails about the sidewalk. But I digress. I did lose myself there, and I certainly hope he's still alive. I sighed. I'm an asshole. I didn't think I'd go this far to almost murdering someone. I guess I was so sick of being pushed around I kinda...snapped. Like what Butters did to Dr. Oz, or how Cartman turned Scott Tenorman's parents into chili and fed them to his parents. Or how Wendy shot a substitute teacher into the sun because of her clinginess and jealousy for Stan.
"He's still alive." I turned to Ray, who took his right fingers off Harry's neck. Harry just lied on the floor on his right side, his face bruised and his glasses broken. "I felt a pulse."
"You know what," I said, "I think we should just leave...and go watch the show."
"...good idea," Isaac replied. No one said anything, but I don't think anyone else wanted to. After all, I did freak out and almost gored someone to death. Then again, no one can deny I was effective in getting Ray into the door to go see Terrance and Phillip. Which is just what we did.
Like what the stories say, Bayroyal Hall is huge for a supposedly modest concert hall. For some reason, either the kids here weren't too bright or they just didn't care; as a result, the five of us got front row seats directly in the middle of the row. From the left to right facing our backs, it was Ray, then Stan, then Wendy, then me, then Isaac. Around us were all the North Park children, who were dressed as they came from Hogwarts - they all have black robes with ties andThe curtains took no time to rise and out came Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip wore a white lab coat, as if he was dressed up as a doctor. "Hello, Terrance. I am Doctor Phillip. Let me check inside you asshole." He took out a small black flashlight and as he bent down to check Terrance's butt, Terrance farted in his face.
"AHAHAHAHA!" They both laughed, and so did every kid in the theater.
It would continue on like this for this for the next half hour - both would roleplay various situations and then it would end in one of them farting on the other. There were some notable farting tricks that they have done. In one act, Terrance was sitting down at a table with chicken salad on front of him. On the far side of the theater Phillip had his right hand behind his butt. As Terrance attempted to take the first bite out of his salad, Phillip farted into his right hand, curled his hand into a fist, then made a motion towards Terrance while uncurling his hand. Then, I saw a cloud of fart travel from Phillip's hand onto Terrance's salad, which it then exploded, the salad spilling everywhere.
"Ah, the fuck!" Terrance said.
"AHAHAHAHA!" Phillip laughed, and so did the rest of us. "That is the Cup-A-Spell!"
In a later act, Phillip was dressed as a security guard with a flashlight on, searching around. Terrance was hiding behind a large rock. Terrance farted into his hands, then let off another fart cloud towards the ceiling. It was small and brownish-green. Terrance blew into the air while looking at the small cloud while swirling around his hands and fingers. Somehow, the cloud slowed down and it changed the direction of it's velocity such that the cloud now began to accelerate downwards towards Phillip. The cloud narrowly missed Phillip and while Phillip shown his flashlight towards the rock which Terrance is hiding behind, the cloud exploded behind Phillip.
Immediately, Phillip jumped and turned around, shining his flashlight on the spot where the fart cloud exploded. "What the fuck?" His voice was startled and nervous.
Immediately after, Terrance quickly lept out of rock, sprinted towards Phillip, jumped up, turned around, and when Phillip turned towards the rock again, he was met with Terrance's ass, then a fart after. "Ack!"
"AHAHAHAHA!" Terrance laughed, and so did the rest of us. "You got the Sneaky Squeaker!"
When the show ended, it was about 4:20 pm. As the kids began to file out, Stan's voice made something occur to me. "Hey, we should go backstage to talk to them."
"How are we going to go backstage when we don't have backstage passes?" Wendy asked.
"I save their lives and careers before," Stan said. "I reunited them during that Earth Day fair, and then I banished the Canadian Devil?"
"Canadian...Devil?" Wendy asked. "Oh, I remember watching on the news. Yeah, you were possessed by Satan, I remember now."
"This show was super cool!" Isaac exclaimed.
"The fart tricks were pretty great," I admitted. They were pretty awesome. They were something I've never seen before. Being able to fart someone from a range, or direct it at a certain spot took skill.
To the right of the stage was a door that said "Backstage" and there was a security guard. As we walked up to the guard, he looked at us. "Where's your backstage passes? Show me your tickets." We all showed him our tickets. "Oh. Ok. Second door on the right." He opened the door for us and we went through.
"...I didn't even realize Harry Potter had tickets that granted access to the backstage," Ray said.
"I did not realize that until now, I swear." I really didn't know that when I beat up Harry Potter.
There was a short hallway that turned left and there were three doors. Like what the Security Guard said, we went to the second door, which was already open. There stood Terrance and Phillip. with a couch on the left side, a table in the middle, and a window towards the back. "Oh hello, you must be the children," Terrance spoke, "How is your day?"
"Uh good," Stan replied, "we just have a request: I heard you are the master monks of the sorcery of the Dragonshouts."
Terrance and Phillip narrowed their eyes at us. "What do you know about the Dragonshouts?"
"I've seen you before," Ray said, "and your techniques reminded me of lost memories."
"What makes you think you're guys worthy of our training?" Phillip asked.
"Because I saved your asses at least twice," Stan replied.
Terrance and Philliip looked at each other than at Stan. "Wait, I do remember this kid," Terrance said. "Remember? At one point we had a disagreement but then we went to their Earth Day fair in South Park."
"Yeah..." Phillip nodded. "And then there was the Canadian Devil who made that freemium game and almost took over Canada and sent us both into eternal damnation, but this kid fused himself with Satan to save us. Your name is Stan Marsh, right?"
"Yes," Stan replied.
"Alright, Stan, we will train whoever we need to...uh wait, who needs to be trained?" Terrance looked at all of us.
Ray stepped forward. "Me."
"Oh good," Phillip said. "We will train this pink-haired kid, but only because Stan saved our asses in dire occasions. Now do you know the simple Dragonshout? Don't demonstrate it at me, do it on one of your friends."
"...what?" Stan, Wendy, Isaac, and I said in unison.
Ray walked up to me, turned his back to me, crouched down a little, then farted. "Ew!" I said.
"Fantastic," Phillip clapped. "But I bet you can't do a fart from range."
"Um..." Ray rubbed his chin. I don't think Ray saw the connection. I don't mean to brag, but I'm good at making connections like these.
"You remember the Cup-A-Spell?" I thought back for a minute, then I remembered Terrance eating the salad and Phillip doing the fart from a long range. "Terrance eating the salad?"
"Oh!" Ray immediately put his right hand behind his butt, farted into it, then released a cloud of gas from his hand onto Isaac's face, which exploded after.
"Yuck!" Isaac whiffed the smell away from himself with his right hand.
"Well done indeed." Terrance nodded. "But I bet you can't manipulate the vector of the fart such that it explodes from behind someone while that someone is looking at you."
"The security guard act," I reminded.
Ray nodded. "Wendy, your attention please." Wendy turned to Ray. Ray put his right hand behind his hand and farted into it. He then released it towards the ceiling, but through a combination of exhaling and waving his fingers and hands around, I observed that the ball of fart began to curve downward, land behind Wendy while she was looking at Ray, then exploding behind Wendy.
"Ew!" Wendy immediately jumped and turned around.
"Hey, Ray, if you're gonna fart, don't do it to my girlfriend next time," Stan warned.
"Yeah, Ray, comeon," Isaac added. Huh, I don't remember Isaac caring for Wendy, odd.
"Sorry," Ray apologized.
"Well done," Phillip said. "You are a fast learner. Now, before we go into the last fart, a short speech, no more than five minutes." I saw Isaac take out his phone. He, for whatever reason, started a stopwatch on his phone. "This next lesson is about changing the anus muscles such that you change the frequency. Some objects are too large to be obliterated by the regular magical Dragonshout. It is directly related to the entropy of the system of the Dragonshout, or how disorderly it can cause things."
"In thermodynamics, entropy is a measure of disorder, or the number of ways something can be arranged," Terrance added. "Entropy is an extensive system, and pertains to the randomness of the system. This can be applied to all states of matter - solids, liquids, gases, and even plasma."
"Naturally, gas has a larger entropy because its molecules motions are pretty random - they are free to move around more, the spacing between molecules in the gas phase is much larger than the spacing between molecules in the solid phase," Phillip said. "Farts are gases that come from your anus, thus will naturally have a higher entropy."
"Why you need to know this," Terrance replied, "is because for the next lesson, you will have to manipulate your anus muscles and the entropy of the path of the fart in order to take down various large objects you will encounter. When you are ready to begin, speak with us again. You will be put into a dreamlike state and for the rest of you kids-" Terrance turned to us. "We will required concentration and spiritual communing so it'd be best if you didn't disturb us once we begin."
Wow, I have no idea what the fuck Terrance and Phillip were talking about, but it sounded like it was related to chemistry or physics. They are both pretty smart, actually, but they talked about shit I don't even understand. But whatever, they could have been whatever they wanted and still would have succeeded, and that was good enough for me.
Ray looked at us. "So this is it." He turned back to Terrance and Phillip. "I'm ready."
"Alright." Phillip motioned to Ray. "Come closer to us."
Ray came over to the back of the room next to the window near Terrance and Phillip. They both jump up and fart on Ray, who then passed out. "What?" My jaw dropped in shock.
"It's to put him in a dream-like state to teach him the final fart," Terrance said. "We will need full concentration now." With Ray lying with his back on the ground passed out, both Terrance and Phillip knelt beside Ray, both their right hands glowing and placed on Ray's forehead. Terrance and Phillip's eyes are both closed.
"I honestly have no idea what the fuck they just said," Stan admitted.
"Me neither," Wendy replied.
"Their speech lasted 2:36," Isaac mentioned.
Wendy curiously raised her eyebrow at Isaac. "Why did you time their speech?"
"Don't you hate it when people say they'll take five minutes but really take ten?" Isaac chuckled. "Or even fifteen?"
Stan laughed. "No, Isaac, what's worst is when people say long story short. You know why, right?"
"Because it's never a long story short?" Wendy smiled.
"Yeah." Stan laughed again. It was pretty heartwarming to see Isaac being able to get along with Wendy and Stan, even if I couldn't. I swear there's something wrong with me. "I remember taking my friends to go ziplining."
"Why didn't you take me along with you, Stan?" Wendy replied.
"Wendy, in retrospect, it was awful." Stan shook his head. "There were old people who kept asking a bunch of stupid questions and it delayed the trip so long. I swear I could die of boredom there. Sorry, Wendy, for not hanging out with you recently."
"Well, I'd rather fight zombies and monsters with you any day of the week," Wendy replied, "I mean this is fun even though I...kinda...feel...like...a...nerd..."
"It wasn't my idea," Stan chuckled, "the roleplaying, I mean." The two hugged.
Ray then reawakened as Stan and Wendy let go of each other. "You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind." Terrance gave us all a thumbs up.
"And don't ever, ever fart on a man's balls," Phillip added.
"You must never use this fart for evil. Or on balls." Terrance nodded.
That was getting really annoying. Farting on a man's balls? Fuck this "Gentlemen's Code." "Why not?" I asked.
Terrance and Phillip both lifted their index fingers up. "The Gentlemen's Code is the universal code of honor. To fart on a man's balls is a symbolic offense to the male genitalia, and is dishonorable."
My jaw dropped. This is exactly what Kenny McCormick and Principal Dumbledore told me. What's even going on? Is this real life? "Fuck that!"
"Alright," Stan said, "YOU get farted in the balls. YOU tell me how that feels. Ray, wanna give a demonstration?"
I immediately shook my hands and head. "No! I mean, don't far on my balls." Immediately, everyone in the room laughed in response. Thus, I proceeded to tell everyone what I told Kenny back at South Park Elementary. "I hate you all. That is all."
"We should go," Wendy said. We all nodded.
"Take care, Stan and friends!" Terrance and Phillip waved goodbye as we left the room.
About seven kids dressed as Hogwarts students met us. "How were they? Can we come in now?"
"Yeah, sure," I replied. "It was alright." The kids smiled then piled into the room and closed the door. "Ok, this is really weird, let's just get out of here."
We walked back into the main theater being met by the same security guard from before. "Terrance and Phillip are kind and smart people. You kids take care now."
"Thank you," we all replied.
As we all began to walk out of the theater, Wendy struck up another conversation. "Cole, you were kind of a downer there."
I cringed. Nice, Wendy wants to start another argument with me. "Wendy, I wasn't being a downer, I was just being realistic."
"Sometimes, it's just better to be positive," Wendy replied, "like that photoshop situation."
I rolled my eyes as we got towards the front door, opened it, and went outside Bayroyal Hall. "Wendy, that photoshop situation was special, and you know it, and photoshop has nothing to do with us right now, I mean, when is the last time..." I gazed outside and saw several kids our age with their wands out directed at us. I look a closer look a them and I realized they were all the kids from Mrs. McGonagall 4th grade class. In the middle stood Harry Potter, whose face was bruised and scarred and whose glasses were absent.
"I hope you enjoyed your show," was all Harry Potter could muster as he too drew his wand out. Everyone's wands were glowing blue. He glared directly at me, probably because I kicked his ass earlier today.
I've done quite a few things I regret. I've made quite a few people mad in my life. I've made my enemies, I've had my conflicts, I ended up into fights. But this...this is what I did not need right now. We're on a quest right now, Nazi Zombies are going to arrive in North Park soon, and now Harry Potter is probably out for revenge on us.
We're in quite the shitpickle.
Bayroyal Hall is named after Benaroya Hall in Seattle, Washington.
The beginning portion was pretty clowny, especially the interaction with Cole against Harry Potter himself. Maybe I made Harry Potter seem like too much of someone who talks shit but can't back up what he talks, which is quite opposite from the Harry Potter in the books. But whatever, my goal wasn't to be realistic to the core, remember that South Park is basically a parody of things. The idea of introducing Harry Potter came from S6E13 "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers" where the kids reach the town of Bailey, see a group of kids playing Harry Potter, then Eric Cartman calls them fags (or something similar). Also, I hope my chemistry lesson is alright :)
What happens next? Find out...next time.
