Chapter 17

It was a rather tense environment I was in socially. No one said a word or anything. They were probably still mad at me. I followed my allies from a distance. I didn't want to get too close to them for fear someone would lash out at me again. They made me nervous. I couldn't take their insults anymore. I don't think I've ever felt this emotionally fragile in a long time.

Throughout the events of the last two days, I've learned a little bit more of myself. One, I'm a tilt god. I tend to go full tilt when people take things personally on me. I guess it became a side-product of me looking out for Isaac for the past few years. Like back at school yesterday when Craig and his cronies were going to beat up Isaac. Or when Cartman refused to let me play the game with him when he would let Ray do so. Maybe Wendy and Stan were right. Maybe I am letting my negative experiences turn me bitter and get the best of me. I don't know how those two do it, I'm not sure how they can still stay strong, because I couldn't. I guess I'm not as strong as I originally thought. Then again, they do have alot of friends to fall back on during class while I don't. I guess that might be it.

Another thing is that they say the grass is greener on the other side. Well I kinda realized there's some merit of truth to that. For the longest time, I thought that I could find better kids like me in another town and that South Park was the worst town to grow up as. Now that I've been to North Park, I realized that kids will always be mean to each other no matter where I go. I'm not sure why, but maybe one theory is that at a young age kids want to be able to dominate other kids - according to what Mr. Garrison said. The kids in North Park are about as mean as the kids in South Park, the only difference is that South Park kids act way older than they should; they are like teenagers, more-or-less, while the kids in North Park act their age, but British. Not that I have anything against British people themselves, but it's like North Park is straight outta London or something. That's what I mean when the grass is greener on the other side, because North Park - or anywhere else for that matter - really is no better.

"I swear, we've been at this entrance for the third time now." Stan dragged his feet as he exhaled a tired breath. "This is where we came into the sewers to get away from the zombies. We're going around in circles."

"Well, we're lost." Ray stretched his arms and let out a yawn. "And it smells down here."

"I'm hungry," Isaac whined.

Wendy scoffed. "Well you can thank your idiot brother for having all our stuff taken away." Another insult from Wendy that stung me. I didn't know how to respond. I felt useless and worthless again. I ruin everything.

"Yeah, his attitude is awful." Stan is nodding his head agreeing with Wendy, like usual. It seems more and more as if Stan always takes Wendy's words as Gospel, at least 90% of the time. "He gets pissed off quick and now he's just sulking."

"Yeah, he needs to grow up," Wendy added.

Should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back? Tell then that I was being a selfish jerk? Should I admit I was wrong? Ask for everyone's forgiveness? But what if they don't believe me, what if they think I'm trying to feign regret to try to gain their sympathy? Then that means I should be a jerk to Wendy and Stan, right? But that won't get me anywhere, that will only make things worse for us.

But Ray, being in the front of the pack, stopped walking suddenly, causing Isaac to bump into Ray. But Ray paid no mind to Isaac. "Hey wait a minute, there's probably room for everyone's attitudes to improve here. Not just Cole's. I mean seriously, guys. Maybe if the rest of you were more-"

But Wendy put her index fingers inside her ears. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, it was his fault." She glared back and pointed straight at me. I stopped making eye contact with Wendy and looked down at my feet.

"No," Ray rebutted, "guys, we have to make some changes around here about our atmosphere. Right now it's just too toxic. You guys have all played 5-man dungeons in WoW, right?"

The rest of us nodded our heads. "Yeah."

"And as you all know there are challenges along the way and we'll have to work as a team and perform our roles decently to overcome them, right?" Ray continued. "Look, no one can concentrate if there's so much negativity. We just gotta...um, you know, improve ourselves." Ray let out a sigh. "I finally see what's going on here. The two cool kids look down on the two loser kids while the two loser kids are jealous of the two cool kids. And now that you four are trapped in a group like a cliché live sitcom drama, you all can't seem to get along well. This was literally no different than my old elementary school." Ray struck me as the quiet guy when I first met him, but damn. This was probably the most insightful thing Ray has said thus far. The walkway we were on stopped abruptly at a ledge, so Ray pulled down his pants and the alien satellite dish stuck out of his ass again. "I'm an idiot for not realizing this earlier. I can't fix your problems. I shouldn't." Then we were teleported over the large gap to continue on the walkway.

"Ray, I'm trying my best," Stan replied. "it's just...I don't want to blame a single person here...it's complicated. You know?"

"Well do what the pro players do," Ray said.

"Ray, you make it sound like we're actually playing WoW right now!" Stan shot back. "This isn't a game anymore, this is real!"

"I know this isn't a game, Goddamnit Stan!" Ray huffed and puffed heavily as the alien satellite dish retracted into his anus again.

However, we all fell silent as our gazes fell upon the green lights we could see up ahead in the sewer tunnel. "Oh crap, who's that?" Wendy whispered.

"Shh!" Stan held his finger over Wendy's lips. "We don't know if they're with us or against us."

"Well if they're against us, we're screwed." Isaac clenched his fists.

As the lights got closer, I held my fists clenched. I wasn't sure if they would be friend or foe. Of course, as they got near us, I could see it was three familiar looking boys that I have seen before. Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, and Greg Goyle, to be exact. "What was all that yelling about?" Draco looked around. "Are you ok? Didn't think I'd see you guys again."

"We're fine." Wendy nodded her head quickly. "Yeah, we're doing well. What are you guys doing down here?"

"I could ask the same about you guys." Vincent looked around as well. "We're here to hide from the zombies, and get help."

Stan pointed at himself. "Hey, that's us too! What kind of help are you trying to get?"

"Crab People," Greg replied.

Stan, Wendy, and Isaac looked at each other with confused expressions, then turned back to the other three North Park kids. "Crab People?" If I recall correctly, Crab People tried to take over the world by imposing the metrosexual fad via the Television show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. The men in South Park, predictably, bought into the metrosexual fad. The theory was that if all the men were made into "pussies", the Crab People could take over without any opposition. Of course, it was the women who fought back, and it seems they secluded themselves here in the sewers.

Draco held out his hands to try to explain. "Now guys, I know they tried to enforce the metrosexual fad to turn all the men into wimps, and they shouldn't have tried to take over the world, but they really feel bad about it, and I'm sure that if you guys behaved in a civil manner, you'll realize they aren't such bad people after all."

"Are they the reason why you all act like you're straight outta London?" Stan asked.

Draco shrugged. "Yes. But British culture isn't so bad. And British people are not wimps, despite the implications."

"Well, our stuff got taken by Harry Potter and we were told they'd be here in the sewers," Wendy sighed.

"Oh, ew, that jerk." Greg shook his head. "He's always being a little whippersnapper. Fortunately, I think the Crab People must have taken it by now, they're the only ones who are consistently down here in these sewers. If you ask nicely, I'm sure they'll give your stuff back." Asking nicely, hah. As if that ever worked. Well then again, I did cause this so I might as well not say anything. "Comeon, let's keep going." The eight of us went across a small bridge over the sewer water and continued walking. "How did you get your stuff stolen?"

"It's Harry, you know." I said my piece quickly, I did not want Stan, Wendy, or Isaac to tell them the truth. I did not want to hear the truth again. "I'm sure he does stuff like that to you too."

Vincent rolled his eyes. "Ugh, tell me about it. I mean he stole my phone one time and lied about it, so I had to fight him for my phone."

"Hey, that's exactly what happened with my phone!" Stan exclaimed. "My sister stole my phone because she was a bitch so Wendy and I kicked her ass yesterday."

Wendy shook her head. "Stan, your sister is a total bitch, I don't know how you can live with her. No offense, but she looks pretty ugly and she has to wear that awful headgear, and people like her usually end up bitter because they're jealous of others' good looks." Well she's spot on, as per usual. Why am I so sensitive to everything Wendy says?

"Yeah, you're right." Stan nodded at Wendy. "That might be why she's always so mean to me. She calls me 'turd', she beats me up and takes my stuff."

"Do you ever tell your parents?" Wendy asked.

"I do, but they don't listen," Stan replied, "they're just so stupid. She gets away with everything, and Cartman calls me a pussy for getting beat up by a girl - my sister, I mean."

"I'm sorry Stan." Wendy put her left arm around Stan. "Ignore that fatass, he's always stupid. If there's anything I could do, just tell me. Besides beating up Shelly again. That was tough." I suppose Stan's not the only one with struggles around here. Which is weird, when yesterday did those two fight Stan's sister? I'm gonna have to be assuming this was before I came. "And that was a close call with your parents."

"Yeah, I'm glad we got away with it that time and that they drove Shelly out of the house to the hospital so we could get some...alone...time..." I could see Stan turn to face me for a moment, then back to Wendy.

"Fuckers," I grumbled underneath my breath softly enough so no one could hear. Yeah, I admit I ruined their little date night last evening. No need to dwell on it, sheesh. But that would explain why Stan and Wendy were both left at home last evening while the rest of his family went somewhere. I mean normally parents would not leave dating kids at home, due to implications. Then again, that train of thought could be reinforced due to certain previous events.

At one point early on in the 4th grade the school thought it would be a good idea to teach sexual education in elementary school, which in of itself was pretty fucked up for school standards - I mean seriously, teaching kindergartners what sex is? What made matters worse was that the way they taught it was through fearmongering; the girls were taught that all boys had diseases, and vice versa, and it soon devolved into an all-out gender war. Another time, Bebe Stevens developed breasts so all of the boys in my class (myself included) got really attracted to her to the point we were all literally fighting amongst ourselves. Then there was the time when most of the girls wanted to copy Paris Hilton's lifestyle - being a stupid spoiled whore. Every boy in my class (even me, except for Eric Cartman) got invited to Bebe Steven's "whore party" (Isaac wasn't invited because he's not in Mr. Garrison's class). We tried to spurn their advances on us, but they kept trying to make out with us, and other things as well. Luckily, Mr. Slave stepped in to crash the party and save the day.

As the eight of us traversed the sewers, the sewer pipe eventually led into a rocky cavern. Blocking the path was a large boulder. "Huh. I wonder what happened here." Draco rubbed his chin.

Ray walked up to the boulder. He put his right hand on the boulder and nodded. "I think I know what to do." He turned his back to the boulder and bent down. "RRRHHHH!" Suddenly, the ground, walls, and ceiling around us shook and shuddered, sounding as if an earthquake is happening right now. The next think I knew, a loud fart was made and the boulder collapsed into dust and rubble.

All of our mouths were open. Holy shit, that was impressive. Apparently, Ray's farts can cause an epicenter now. "Woah!" Isaac exclaimed. "Terrance and Phillip taught you that?"

Ray smirked. "Yep."

"You're - you know Magic!" Vincent pointed a shaking finger at Ray.

"That's right." Ray flashed a cocky smile.

As the eight of us continued on, I could hear faint voices I couldn't make out. As we got closer, they began sounding more ominous and malevolent. "Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!"

The narrow tunnel diverged into a large clearing. The path dipped into a circular room made of stone whose radius is about at least ninety yards long. All around the circumference were at least eighty of these weird mutant crab-like creatures who stood on its legs and were clamping its claws in the air. "Crab People! Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!"

"I know you guys from South Park aren't fond of Crab People," Draco said, "and I know they've done bad things, but please be kind." Well I gotta admit, I agree. Can't be making too many enemies, right?

Neatly lined in the middle of the room was all our supplies and weapons. My staff was on top of my backpack, and my friends' weapons were on their respective backpacks as well. Behind our stuff was a single Crab Person with a purple cloak, a golden crown, and a golden staff. "Hello, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle! Who are your dearest friends?" I'm assuming the crab who's dressed like a king right now is the leader.

Draco gestured his left hand towards my friends and me. "Oh these five? They're from South Park."

"Ah, I remember that town!" The Crab Leader walked back and forth between our stuff, using its staff like a walking stick. "The females of the town did not take too kindly to our presence! Why would you bring them here, Malfoy?"

"Uh, that's our stuff." Stan pointed to our supplies. "And we would like that back, please."

"Ah this?" The Crab Leader stopped in front of Wendy's weapons. "Interesting, Harry Potter gave these to me, telling me they're from 'terrorists who plan to rid the fabric of the British culture'! European culture is far superior to Midwest American culture, mind you!"

"We just want our stuff back," Isaac said in the kindest, most innocent tone possible. Usual of him.

"And what are you going to do?" The Crab Leader glared at us. "Get rid of us once and for all?"

"We don't want to fight you," Wendy tried to reason. "We don't care how British you make North Park. We just want our stuff back so we can move on."

"Interesting, you five seem so adamant! You're clearly hiding something, and I am going to get to the bottom of this!" The Crab Leader knelt down and put its claws on Wendy's backpack to open it. "I was informed you five were terrorists! Prove me wrong: let's see what have we here, shall we?"

Wendy stepped forward and put her hand out. "You don't want to open that!"

But the Crab Leader partially opened Wendy's backpack and took a peek. A second later, it screamed and jumped back. "What the fuck? Was that a bomb? C4?" As the five of us ran to our supplies to equip our backpacks and weapons, the Crab Leader narrowed its eyes at us. "So you ARE terrorists planning to ruin the fabric of British culture!"

"No, we are not terrorists!" Stan yelled. "Please listen! There's a mean demon out there we need to stop, and we might need a bomb to get to him! Just let us go!"

I turned to Draco, and in a hush, but fierce tone, I whispered, "Draco, help us out here!"

"I will not have terrorists upon my doorstep! Seize them!" All of the Crab People rallied behind the Leader's words and slowly inched towards us.

"Guys, please, stop!" Draco yelled. "These kids from South Park - they mean no harm! I swear!" I don't understand why the Crab People keep on insisting we were terrorists. We're only ten years old, and there's only like five of us against like hundreds of them. Why are they so suspicious of us? Like I get their plans were foiled before by us, but can't they try to see things differently?

"How can you be so sure to trust them, Malfoy?" The Crab Leader gripped its scepter with both his claws. "Unless you're trying to snuff me out? I should have saw this coming!" However, the entire cave shuddered again, and I could hear an explosion being set off above us. Everyone in the room, including myself, looked around the room in panic, wondering what the explosion is. "What the hell was that?"

"I probably should have mentioned this," Ray said, "but that's probably because Nazi Zombies are attacking North Park right now."

"Nazi Zombies?" The Crab Leader's grip on its staff loosened, thus letting it drop to the ground. The Leader then put its claws over its face. "Oh no, not this again!"

"Yeah, well Zombies are here, and they might need your help," Stan said.

"I know." The Crab Leader shook its head. "It means the Stick is back. It means Dovahkiin has returned. I knew this day would come."

"Why would you incessantly try to push your way of life onto others?" Wendy asked. "I mean you guys tried to brainwash the men with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and now there's the Harry Potter fad."

The Crab Leader walked back and forth again. "I wanted us to live under one culture. I wanted to take over the world."

"Maybe," Stan rubbed his chin, "why don't you try to fit in? Diversity is a good thing too, it allows us to see things from different perspectives."

"The humans would hate us Crab People like they would most other races." The Crab Leader shook its head. "They wouldn't have it. Humans and Crab People both want to dominate the world, so naturally our races would be at odds. Obviously, Humans won, and we don't have the numbers, we can only win them over by influence. That is why we try to spread our culture. It's like what the Catholics did to Rome."

Another explosion shuddered the cavern, making everyone jump. Stan looked around then faced the Crab Leader again. "Look, there's a mean demon out there who has the Stick of Truth and will stop at nothing to spread terror. The five of us were trying to get back the Stick before he makes it through Sovngarde and reforges the stick."

"North Park is in trouble and they need your help," Wendy added. "You don't want to see your town zombiefied, would you?"

"Please help your town and let us continue North," Ray concluded.

The Crab Leader looked around the room at its people. It then turned back to us, its eyes half-closed. "All of this has happened before, and there are some few things I want to point out before we move on with what we need to do." As the Crab Leader cleared its throat, the eight of us kids stepped closer to listen intently. "The last time this happened, many rules were broken. There are codes of honor upheld by men to show respect because humans naturally are primal creatures. Of course though, not all codes of honor are created equal. There are some codes of honor are meant to be broken."

"So you're saying we have to break the rules to kill the bad guy?" Isaac asked.

"Sometimes, even the most benevolent of codes must be broken if evil were to be vanquished." The Crab Leader stretched its claws before continuing on. "Evil people never play by the rules, and sometimes fighting dirty is the only option." That took me aback. What codes of honor are there? I can't think of any, and I can't remember any from the top of my head. What kind of rule do we have to break in order to save our planet? "I suppose this is it. The Crab Leader stepped to the right side to reveal another sewer tunnel stretching forward.

"Um, thank you." Ray bowed down, and the rest of us followed suit. Ray and I turned back to Draco, Vincent, and Greg. "I guess this is it. We head north from here while you're back to fighting zombies."

Draco bowed down. "It's been really great to meet you all. I'm glad people from South Park are kind. I'll send you all Facebook requests." As Draco, Vincent, and Greg began to walk back to where we came from, the three looked back at us one more time and waved. "Good luck on your endeavors, friends!" I smiled. At least we made three friend today. At least not everyone we met ended up hating us.

"You five are heading North, you say?" I turned back to the Crab Leader who was standing off to the side of the new sewer tunnel. "It's through here."

"Yep," Stan nodded.

"Ah very well." The Crab Leader put the end of its staff on the ground and leaned on it. "Before I let you go, do you guys want to hear free gossip of the day?"

Wendy piped up. "Yeah, sure!"

The Crab Leader nodded. "Rumor has it that the members of PETA are cannibals. I'm not sure myself if that's true, but the theory is that because the refuse to eat animals for their source of protein, they turned their advances towards human flesh. Well...maybe you'll see for yourself one day."

Wendy blinked. "That...was not the gossip I expected." Me neither. I thought the Crab Leader was going to bring up a celebrity, not PETA.

"Bye!" We all waved goodbye.

As the five of us went through the last sewer tunnel, the last thing we've heard was, "Alright, you heard about the zombies! The humans up on the surface need our help! Let's move out!" Massive roars and footsteps happened, but got softer until they were no more.

At the end of the tunnel was light. There were rusty bars that ran vertically to block our paths. Stan made a single leftwards slash at the bars. They broke easily since they were probably rusted, and the five of us walked out and jumped down from the sewer pipe. We all landed in a snowy clearing with grass around us. The smell of sewage no longer consumed by nose, being replaced by fresh air and snow. I checked my phone, and it's about 7:10 pm. A beautiful sunset blazed the spring sky. Finally, at least that's over now.

"Good thing Crab People came to their senses," Ray said.

"Which way's north?" Isaac asked.

Stan took out his phone and pointed forward. "That way."

"My parents still didn't try to call me or text me." Wendy was looking at her phone.

"Yeah, me neither," Stan added.

Yeah, what the hell is with that? Why have our parents been ignoring us for the entire day? There's something wrong with this, but hopefully we'll find out soon. "Should we stop here for the night?" Isaac asked.

"Nah, we can keep going," Ray replied, and Stan and Wendy both nodded as the three began to walk north.

Isaac rolled his eyes and groaned. "Fine." He then followed, and I followed as well.


For those that got the "joke" with Crab People, it was an awful joke, I know. I didn't mean to offend people, I just wanted to bring some humor in with stereotypes.