Marc
The more I think about it, the more I struggle to understand what Kay was thinking yesterday, coming to the party. It just didn't make sense, and I knew Bettina wanted to talk about everything, but she was strangely not my top concern at the moment. I just needed to see him- just one look, one word and I would know my decision for sure. He hadn't even sent me a message since to party and it had me worried.
Walking past Bettina who was feeding Benno, I grabbed my keys, walked out the door, and climbed into my car; I drove off. All of this was without a word, despite hearing her calling after me, trying to get me to stop, still trying to talk to me. She knew where I was headed without needing to ask.
The whole drive my mind was occupied with thoughts of Kay, our moments together and how he made me feel. Being with him was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was a rush because of the secrecy of it, but also for the strength of our feelings for each other. It was electric- Kay was electric. So quickly he had come to be the center of my world (aside from Benno of course) and just as quickly had fallen to the side when I grew afraid. Once everything began to come to the light I wanted to run. That's why I told him to leave; I was scared and didn't want to talk about it in front of my family and our friends. Mostly, I wasn't ready for Bettina to know.
No, it was best to get distance for now.
As I reached the apartment that held so many memories, so many intense moments, I looked at the key in my hand. Kay's key. How can such a small thing mean so much? It held our hope for the future, a better, brighter future. Our hopes that we could be free- free to be happy however we chose, free to be who we were, who we wanted to be, who we were meant to be- whoever that was. Something so small signifies everything that has happened for the last several months, the incredible times that I had with Kay, and how much this meant to both of us. On that same key also lay all of the mistakes I had made, all of the wrongs, heartbreak, and trouble I had caused my parents, Bettina, Benno, and Kay. Especially Kay. We both knew the risk of going into the relationship but were blind to any of the consequences because of the intensity we shared.
I rang the bell a couple of times with no answer. Utilizing the key, I opened the door. I didn't see anything at first, the kitchen was dark, the only light coming in from the windows. As I followed the familiar path to the deck I saw him. He was standing, hood up and back to me, smoking as was his (our) usual pass time when we weren't otherwise occupied. He was leaning against the stone railing like he either had not a care in the world- or the weight of the world on his shoulders. This was my fault He should never have had to feel that way- he was too kind for it, too good to me and all I brought was pain to him.
Slowly I went up behind him and stood to his right. Even then I was unable to see his face. More mad at myself than at him, my voice came out harsh as I asked him what he was playing at, going to the party like that when my mom had just seen what she had at the hospital. I asked if he was insane- There were several people who had been there that I could have seen being suspicious. Through my anger, I registered that he had given no outward response. As I looked back, I knew I had been ignoring him and that he just wanted to be there to support me, but I certainly wasn't thinking clearly.
All he had to do was turn to me and I was taken aback, my thoughts and emotions frozen. His face looked terrible- and not in a sleep-deprived way. There were bruises and cuts, clearly caused by some sort of attack. He made some joke about having looked better, but I was too enraged with myself and whoever did that to him to listen. There was only one person I knew who could- or would- do that to such a kind guy as Kay- Limpinsky. No random person would be able to best him in a fight anyway, with all the training we had. Limpinsky was going to get it from me if Kay didn't press charges. Maybe even if he did press charges I would still go at him.
But, as Kay pointed out, that wasn't how it worked. Not for guys like him… like me. I had to admit that fact to myself because Kay had forever changed me, changed my identity. I could never be the same Marc that I had been before that fateful round of training.
Shaking myself back to the moment, I remembered my plan from the night before- keeping my distance from Kay until things calmed down. With the addition of him being attacked by someone we both knew, it seemed like the best option. If we stayed together, who knew what could happen from my family, from the other guys on the team. I doubted it was just Limpinsky who was homophobic; he was just the most outspoken.
Looking straight at him, at the marks across his beautiful face, I suggested that he get a transfer. Saying nothing about myself or what would happen with him somewhere else.
The question hung in the air like stale mold. What would happen to us? What would happen if he stayed? What would happen if he left and I didn't see him? Our connection, our- dare I say it- love? I had to make sure he was safe, at least for the time being. I could deal with Limpinsky and arrange things with Bettina before following him wherever he went.
So, like a coward, I left the key with so many important memories sitting on the wall next to Kay without a word. I walked away, leaving all of those questions hanging in the air. I was making the best decision to keep him safe- that was the only way I could think of to keep him safe and to have a chance at making everything right. He would be there, he would be safe, and I would still get to see him, even if it was from a distance for a time.
Kay
Marc had never been one for a lot of words, I knew that. But leaving without any was heartbreaking. I looked at the key sitting next to me on the wall. That was even more heartbreaking. He was able to toss me aside so easily, even with everything that had happened. Did I mean nothing to him? That couldn't be. In every moment we spent together I could feel our connection. I could feel what we meant to each other. He was my world. I was his escape. Was I really any more than an impulse, a curiosity to him? His suggestion to get a transfer stuck in my mind. A transfer, even so shortly after the last one, should be possible, but where would that leave us?
I threw my cigarette down to the cement beneath my feet and stomped it out. I crushed it with the sole of my shoe like it was Limpinsky's face. Would things have played out differently if I hadn't been attacked by him? Would Marc have run away? My other hand went up to brush a bruise on my face. A transfer wasn't looking so bad anymore. Marc didn't seem to want to stay, so why should I? At the very least it would get me away from Limpinsky.
My mind was racing with all of the unanswered questions. There was only one person left that I could talk to about all of this. That depended on if she was willing to talk to me- if she wasn't too upset with me for leaving and not calling for months, despite her situation. I really needed her support as well as her expertise.
