Bettina
He had walked out. He hadn't answered any of my calls after him. I knew where he was going. I had known for quite some time, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not. After not being able to sleep much the night before, I had called Frank. None of those night shifts Marc had 'been working' were actually night shifts. Something in the back of my mind had told me that I had known all along. I realized I didn't know Marc anymore, I didn't know what kind of person he had become. He had been lying the whole time.
I told him just that when he came back from that man's place. Something in his eyes told me that something had happened, changed, and not in a good way.
I had begun packing a few things of mine and Benno's into a bag. We needed to get some space to think things through. There was too much at once and Benno deserved more than I would be able to give him if I stayed there any longer. As I packed up our things, I told Marc that I would be staying with Frank and Claudia. He could have the house. There were too many memories there for me to be comfortable.
He asked me to stay- asked if I would stay if he told the truth. Ha. The truth. I doubted even he knew what the truth was anymore. I was afraid to hear him say it out loud as well. To know that I had lost his love and the hope for a future, this perfect little dream family we almost had.
When I had first met… Kay… I thought he was nice, an okay guy. Even then Marc seemed odd about him. We didn't really encounter each other often after that day at the bowling alley, but he knew. That was what got to me the most. He knew that Benno was coming but he still pursued Marc anyway. Can a good man really be good if he is determined to ruin a happy family?
Marc may not admit any of it directly, but he couldn't deny it anymore, either. No matter how much he may say he still loved me, how much he wanted it to work or me to stay.
Kay
Finishing my phone conversation, I felt a little better about everything. I had a clear plan in mind as to what I was going to do moving forward. First, I had to speak with the Staff Sergeant.
The drive to the station was a nervous one. I knew I couldn't talk to Frank- he was too close to everything going on and everyone involved.
The staff Sergeant was curious about the sudden change especially after joining that station less than a year before. He knew not to question it, though, by the state of my face. I asked for any placement away from there, preferably near Ulm. He told me he would make a few calls and see what he could do. I asked for as much discretion as possible, to let the others think I'd disappeared, run away.
Marc would know the truth- that I needed to get away from everything, even if it meant giving up on him. Having my key returned broke me, and I didn't know if I could continue on as I was. Which was where my previous phone call came in; I knew she would be able to help. She had been through similar troubles and came out alive on the other side.
I left the station- on guard for anyone from my squad being around or recognizing me. As I settled in my car I was much more relaxed. Part one of my new plan forward was done. That was the only thing keeping me going- get each step done and be away from the nightmare.
Marc
I didn't know what to say. I knew I had hurt all involved. Even going so far as to beg Bettina to stay, if I only told her the truth. She already knew what had been going on. Of course she did. Every plan I had made the night before seemed futile. I knew I had to talk with Bettina before I could sort things out with Kay. My parents would just have to wait in line of people waiting to kick me in the butt.
I wanted to give Bettina some time to cool off. She had always been the calm one, able to stop arguments in their tracks and be reasonable about every situation. Like when we decided to move into the house next to my parents. It had been my idea and she hadn't liked it at first, but was able to negotiate and come to a compromise about it.
I went out back of the empty house, sitting and waiting for something to happen. That was me, always waiting for something to happen, never taking action for myself. The one time I did, it all ended in disaster.
I don't know how long I sat there, but I knew I would have to move sometime. Thankfully I had a few days off after what happened with Limpinsky. That was it. I would wait a day or two before going to see Bettina. She always calmed down quickly and I'd be able to get her to return home. I'd get her and Benno back if I couldn't have Kay at the moment.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go anywhere, see anyone- all of our friends were mutual and I had to sort things out with Bettina before I would try to go talk to Kay again. Even Frank was off limits to ask for a drink because he was in the middle of Bettina and I separating.
Eventually I had enough beer in my system that I passed out in a bed that felt a bit too empty.
Time continued to pass in a blur, not sure what time the next day I went by Frank's house to talk to Bettina. Driving time was really good thinking time. My hands were busy as well as my mind. I realized I still loved her, I loved her for giving me Benno, I loved her for giving me years of her life, I just couldn't love her as a lover anymore. Either way, I still wanted to try and have a family with her, no matter whether we ended up staying together or not.
There was one problem with talking to her about it, though. Claudia immediately called Frank and he wouldn't let me see her. No matter how much I pleaded, it seemed futile. Frank tried talking me into leaving as I grew more upset. My life had fallen apart and I had to do something. Calling for her, begging her to talk to me, Bettina finally appeared at the door. She nodded to our friends to go back inside while she talked- or yelled- at me.
Finally coming to terms with the fact that I needed to man up and tell the truth, the whole truth, not just what happened but also how I felt- I admitted to the affair out loud. I told her I still loved her. She fired back, obviously still angry. What she said should have been obvious to me- I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Did the whole thing make me gay? I didn't think so. No other man had made me feel anything even remotely similar to what Kay made me feel. Her last words stuck with me- what did this all make me? Other than a scumbag of course.
Kay
I was supposed to work a shift that day, but I called off. When they tried to press the issue, I told them to talk to the Staff Sergeant.
As I stamped out yet another cigarette, the doorbell rang. Two soft knocks followed immediately afterward. That told me exactly who was standing on the other side of the door. I swung it open to see the one person who was able to give me some sort of foundation at this time.
Mia
The building I looked up at was nice enough. It was in a quieter part of town, much to my relief. Kay was a private person, only really opening up to people important to him. And with everything that had happened, it was good that there wasn't a lot of noise or people around to stare. Having people around such a nice person watching as he went through one of the toughest parts of his life. It was bad enough when… No, that had nothing to do with what was happening with him at his station and with Marc. Kay was a very important part of my life, I would do anything for him, and the thought of anything bad happening to him made my heart wrench in pain.
With a tiny bundle in my arms, I made my way to the elevator and to Kay's door. I rang the doorbell, and then knocked twice softly. Our age old secret knock (we improvised for when there was no doorbell by adding a patterned knock at the beginning). The benefit of knowing each other for so long- we could nearly read each other's minds. Seeing the look on his face when he pulled the door open, I knew immediately he needed out.
He looked haunted. Pale, gaunt, sleep deprived, and with red rimmed eyes. I hadn't seen him like that for years. Again, my mind drew back to that painful time years ago, that, in a way, didn't compare- couldn't compare to the situation he found himself in as I stood there. The way he looked alone was concerning. Not even considering his desperate call to me a couple of days before.
I walked into the small galley style kitchen and looked around at boxes both assembled, empty and partially filled, and still lying flat around the counters and floor. He didn't have much to begin with, a lot of his less day-to-day items had been left at my home as they weren't as important. The shape Kay was in, I was surprised he had gotten as far as he had.
Not a word was said. None was needed. I passed my vaguely wiggling bundle to Kay after he shut the door behind me. I set my oversized bag on the counter next to a pile of still flat boxes and gestured for him to go out onto the balcony to get some air while I got to work.
Kay hadn't gotten to know my little bundle, Dietrich, well as he left before he was born and had only briefly visited and/or video called during the intermittent time- with good reason. Dietrich looked much like me- dark brown hair with blond tints, still blue, wide eyes that looked like they wanted to darken to a gold/green, and a small, flat nose with slightly oversized ears. All in all, Dietrich was one of the cutest babies I had ever seen (my opinion was completely non-biased, of course). It didn't worry me, leaving him out of my sight with Dietrich being so small, Kay had always been good with children and I could tell he would be wonderful with Dietrich.
I began simply where Kay had left off. As the day wore on, I found myself carefully wrapping, boxing, folding, taping. After a while, I suggested taking a break and going to get some food. Really, all that remained was labeling the boxes, wrapping the bed as well as we could to protect it, and contacting the moving/delivery company to have them delivered to my home in Ulm until Kay got his new assignment. Or longer if the assignment was close. I'd had to say, having someone else there would make life a little easier with a baby at home, and getting ready to go back to work. Having Kay close would be just like old times.
It had only been a few days since Kay first called, so moving him was a bit rushed. It was clear that he needed to just get away. I would go back to his apartment later that week, once the moving company was there and ready to go. The day after all of his stuff was moved was reserved for deep cleaning and making sure nothing was left or out of order. When that was done, we would travel home. Home. I hoped that I could still provide that for Kay, with his home in Marc being ripped away so suddenly.
Kay continued to cuddle Dietrich all through dinner, even when he whined wanting food, or needed to be burped. Our early dinner conversation was otherwise filled with discussing memories, old stories and silly moments- all things to keep his mind off of everything that had happened. We laughed about all of the trouble we caused. Kay always said he would join the police to infiltrate the system- create anarchy from within. All in jest of course.
What he needed for the next few days was rest. Rest and not letting him focus on the bad, the disappointments, the sadness. Rest, and to be where he knew he was loved and cared for, where he could feel sage and supported- somewhere he was familiar with. Once he was ready, we could talk more in depth about everything. He knew I would understand, I had found myself in a similar place not that long before and had come out the other side with the help of my family and support of loved ones.
Bettina
I did a lot of thinking over the next few days. It had felt like an age since everything came to light and Benno and I had left. Over those days, I had come to a decision. Even if I was still hurt, upset, in pain, Benno needed to be home as much as I needed to have my say with Marc. I couldn't even find it in myself to be properly jealous. How could you be jealous of your boyfriend being with another man? If it had been a woman- Britt or any woman for that matter- I could have processed it all a little more easily. A many being with a man- it just didn't happen, not in the society we kept. Much less did a committed, straight man being with another man. I just had to get my say in once more before I let go. Nothing could go back to the way it was. Not that I knew what moving on would look like yet, but I would have to try. It was time that Benno and I returned home.
Marc
No focus. That is what I had. No matter what I did, there was no focus on any of it. I tried my normal pass times of sitting out back, mowing the lawn, watching tv- I still didn't think it was a good idea to have anyone over or go out drinking just yet with Frank. Nothing could shake it.
Everything around me seemed to dull and darken- one moment blending into the next. There was no point to caring about my surroundings anymore; no one was there to care. My parents weren't speaking to me, Kay wasn't an option, and Bettina hadn't tried to contact me.
Finally working up the strength to go out, I went for a run. It was not a great decision by any means. All around me were memories of when Kay and I would run. 'Breathe evenly' he would say to me. Those days seemed like so long ago. When I struggled to go even a mile, now I could run for an hour and not feel out of sorts. IT was all thanks to Kay. I stared at the trees, the path in front of me. The wind in my face lent some relief to the humidity and sweat building. I breathed in with each step; out with my feet pounding into the ground. I ran to forget, I ran to numb myself even more. I ran to out run the pain and memories. Too bad the memories were faster. Thoughts of Bettina, the ever present longing to see Kay, thoughts of Benno, worry over work all flooded my mind. I had called off for a shift that day, having had the two previous days off (I was pretty sure Frank had something to do with it).
In the time since everything went to hell in a handbasket I had done a lot of things that I wasn't proud of, I had become some person that I didn't recognize and I wasn't sure if I liked him. If I didn't like whom I had become, how could Kay or even Bettina like the new me?
By the time I had run myself ragged, I had been gone hours. Sweat had stopped forming- a good sign I needed to stop. The drive home was once again silent, no music to drown out my thoughts.
Walked into the house and immediately noticed something out of the new normal. Benno's car seat was in the hall, and I could faintly hear the tv on. I poked my head into the livingroom to see Bettina sitting on the couch, staring back at me.
I gave a quiet, uncertain greeting before going to get a shower. There was no point in trying to talk to her before then, I would
N't want to talk to me in that state either.
For a moment I could pretend that it was all okay, everything was back to normal. Bettina and I had been doing our normal routine and Benno had been sleeping. I had finished a hard shift at work and was in the shower to relax. Reality washed over me in an instant when the curtain was pulled back suddenly and Bettina stood there, fully clothed and looking at me with tears in her eyes.
Hitting me over and over, attacking me with all of the anger and pent up emotions she had within her, she demanded, 'Tell me how. Tell me how you like it.' She pushed me to the shower wall. I wasn't going to fight her. I may not have been my brightest at that time, but I was smarter than to go against a woman overcome with emotions- much less emotions that I had caused. 'Do you want it from behind? Do you like it like that?'
She abruptly stopped. I looked to her. 'I can't even be properly jealous!' sobbing, she deflated and began to sink to the floor of the shower. I couldn't think of anything to do beyond hold her. The water was off, thankfully, but she was soaked through. She would have to change if she didn't want to get sick. That could wait, however, as she was finally able to release everything. I couldn't blame her, not even then. I knew I had messed up. I had ruined the perfect life we could have had. We were both lost.
Eventually, I was able to get us both up and out of the shower, moving into the bedroom where her bag sat on the bed. Neither of us spoke- we didn't need to.
Yet again I lost track of time, but it had to be nearing night. It had been a couple of weeks since the hospital, and then the party. Around a week since I returned the key. Had it only been that long? It felt like an age. Bettina had been gone most of that time. If she did stay, I wasn't sure I could, not anymore.
I slept on the couch that night. Bettina and Benno curled up in our… her bed.
Marc
Neither of us spoke the next morning either. As things had come to a sort of truce between Bettina and I, I decided it was time to return to Kay and explain. She and I made eye contact and she nodded, understanding. I bolted for the car.
There was so much to explain. There was so much I wished I could take back. An uneasy feeling came over me and I pounded on the steering wheel, shouting. It hadn't occurred to me before how Kay could have taken my actions toward him. No! No no no! I had to get there.
I rang the doorbell. No answer. I pounded on the door. No answer. No. I won't let that be the truth. Not giving a thought to how much trouble I could get into, I kicked the door in. No! There was nothing. I walked through the small entry into the main area of the apartment. Nothing. Silence and empty space. 'Kay?' I called out into the emptiness and my voice echoed off the walls. The empty walls, empty counter, empty sink, empty room. Shadows formed around me. Again with the memories of a place that had held so many special moments.
I couldn't take it anymore. I reached the far wall, where his couch had been, where we had been so content, and I sank to the floor, crying. I remembered the moment I was sitting on that very couch, waiting for Kay to return and ask him about the raid. He should have known better! I was so scared at that time. I was still scared, even more so at the thought that I had lost him forever. Love me? Could he really leave me if he loved me? No, I loved him just as much and I wasn't going to leave him.
But what if that's what he thought? What if that is what my returning the key to him meant to him? Not as a way to keep him safe or keep some sort of sanity in the explosion of our lives, but as me giving him up? Me not thinking we were worth it- not thinking he was worth it? What had I done?
Mia
When I first returned to the building, what I was expecting was an empty apartment, cleaned and ready to be left officially. That was not actually what was in front of me. What I saw instead was a broken door and a man with dark hair curled up on the floor of the main living area. The curtains were all drawn, and the way the light fell on him only seemed to highlight his anguish. Dietrich was in his carrier on my chest, sound asleep (one thing I was thankful in all of this was that he was still small enough to sleep quite frequently).
Reason told me who he had to be- Marc Borgman. I doubted a random stranger would break into someone's apartment to just leave the door open and sit sobbing on the floor. He was also too clean and clearly empty handed to be a homeless man seeking shelter. I doubted anyone else in the town would have been close enough to Kay to know where he lived, much less be in such a state to break in and sit, still sobbing.
He hadn't noticed my presence yet. Not until Dietrich let out a small whine in his sleep. When that happened, Marc's head shot up. He immediately grew defensive, obviously having no idea who I could be. I gave him the universal polezei signal of 'safe' before slowly approaching. That seemed to make him relax even minutely. When I had reached the end of the walkway, right next to the counter that made up the kitchen, I kneeled down, careful not to jostle the sleeping infant too much. That was the last thing we would need- a screaming baby.
'Marc,' I spoke slowly. 'That is your name, right?' He nodded, still unsure. 'I'm Mia. It's nice to finally meet you. Kay has told me all about you.'
At the mention of Kay, Marc became even more defensive rather than being reassured. Thankfully, I worked to resolve delicate situations every day before I had Dietrich, and would return to it once my leave was over.
'You're wondering how I know you, how I am related to Kay. He has told me a lot about you ever since you both were bunked together at training. We have lived together for years- I'm essentially his sister in everything but blood. He has also sent me a few pictures of the two of you together. It is clear the bond the two of you have.'
I extended my hands in front of me slightly, palms open and up, showing I meant no harm. He began to sink further into his place at the wall, muscles relaxing and his mind going off of high alert.
He eyed the bundle on my front. To further reassure him, I stated, 'This is Dietrich. My little guy. You have a little boy also; Benno, right? From what Kay told me he is a couple of months younger than Dietrich.'
Marc nodded, confirming that his own little boy was only a month or so old. I smiled, he smiled. 'Would you like to hold him?' Marc looked shocked, but shrugged. I gently removed the straps and pulled Dietrich from his carrier, passing him to Marc, who held him gently.
'Kay's been watching him for me while I have been here cleaning. I decided to give him a break while I came to finalize everything. Little did I know I would run into a new face and a new problem with the door.' I joked, hoping to lighten the mood. If he was anything like Kay had described him, this was probably the first time since everything happened that he had allowed himself to cry. He let silent tears stream down his face, the pain clearly etched there.
Once I knew he was reassured and calmed, I asked him to tell me his side of everything. Kay had told me his observations and thoughts. Though he was observant, he didn't know everything. There had to be more.
Marc
I pondered her question for some time. The woman was definitely strange. An anomaly if I ever had seen one, not at all what I had expected. The small baby in my arms comforted me in a way, grounded me. He looked so much like Benno, but so opposite, too. The woman- I didn't remember what she said her name was- looked very similar to Kay with light eyes and blond hair that was just slightly curly. This baby reflected that. His eyes were already beginning to change to a sea green, and his hair a dirty blond color. Could he be….? No, that wouldn't make sense. The timing would be completely off as well. He would have said something.
The look on my face must have given something away, because the woman paused in her motions. She had begun to stand. 'Kay is the closest thing that boy has to family aside from me, but he's not his father, no need to worry.' She gave a slight smile.
'What's your name,' I asked her quietly, not wanting to disturb the baby. 'I wasn't focusing when you said it earlier, sorry.' Saying sorry was still so new to me. I had had to say it so often lately.
Again, she smiled faintly at me. 'My name is Mia.' Mia. That's right. She sat back down on the floor facing me, and repeated her question. 'Will you tell me your side of the story? I've heard what Kay has to say, how he feels in all of this, but I would like to hear your reasoning behind everything.'
This felt different from when Bettina wanted me to talk to her. She wasn't accusing or angry, she was outside of events- not being present throughout it all. I could hope she would be objective in that respect, although she was so close to Kay, she could become angry with me. Mia didn't seem like the type of person to react harshly though; especially when she let me hold her baby.
Taking a deep breath I began to tell her my thoughts from the beginning- and now I realized how wrong I was in everything. The shock of Kay being gone and finally having to talk through things from the start put it all in perspective. I. Was. A. Dick. How could Kay, how could Bettina ever want anything to do with me again?
'I don't know how it started. He was there. He was so persistent. He was different. I felt overwhelmed with everything going on at home and wanted something just for me, I guess.' As I continued my tale, I came to realize how much of a coward I was. I had so many chances to tell Bettina, so many chances to stop with Kay, so many chances to make things right- and I missed them all, until it was all beyond my reach.
That was probably the most I had ever said at once. Losing track of time seemed to be a running theme with me since everything crashed and burned. By the time I was done with my monologue- because Mia hadn't said a word the whole time- the sun had definitely move far enough in the sky for it to be past noon, probably early afternoon, surely past lunch.
Mia sat silent and still, eyes on Dietrich in my arms. He seemed to sense the change in the atmosphere and began to whine, slowly waking and searching for his mother. She took him from my arms gently, grabbing a prepared bottle from what I assumed was an insulated pocket in the diaper bag she had discarded with the front carrier he had been in. Mia moved to sit against the wall with me while she fed him.
'I can see where your motivations come in, and even understand some of your reasoning. I can't say that I agree with you completely, you really damaged a lot of people, but you don't need another person condemning you. You seem to do enough of that yourself.' She sighed. 'I can see the regret in your eyes and hear the pain in your voice. That does not excuse what has happened. I won't tell you what Kay has planned, it is up to him to contact you if he wants. I will tell you that you shattered what trust was there, and hurt his already damaged heart.
'He put a lot of effort toward you because he knew you were worth it. I'm not excusing what he did, either. When he found out about Bettina- especially when he knew about Benno- he should have backed off. I bet he didn't tell you much about himself- did he? Those are the questions you need to ask. If he gives you another chance, don't be selfish- don't make it all about you. If you really love him, really want another chance to do things right, then you have to put in some effort.' Mia sighed at that. 'I will talk with him about what you have said- I have to explain about why he has a fee for a broken door somehow- but it's between the two of you where you go from there.'
I nodded. That was fair. It made sense. Kay had pursued me with all he had, and I hadn't returned anything to him. Even when he told me he loved me, it was still all about me. I never gave him anything. There was even more for me to process after that discussion- and I decided I had to give Kay everything I had if I ever wanted to have a chance with him again.
