/ I do not own the characters only the plot line! Enjoy! Tissue warnings.


Christian Grey was a self-made millionaire, at twenty-five years old he was one of the riches bachelors out there. Something that would usually make anyone else happy and content with fame, but not Christian Grey. No, Christian Grey wanted to just make it through the life making other's lives better, including his family's life. When it came to his family, he was weak, he would do anything to see them happy, even if it meant it would drive him insane. Christian ran his fingers through his hair as he sat down in his desk, his eyes roamed around the walls before sighing, he stared down at the picture frame crafted with books with a smile. There in the middle was the picture of him and Anastasia Steele embracing in front of their parents' houses. Ana was not your typical girl, but that's what he lo…well that's what he liked about her; she wasn't typical. Even now, three weeks after their break up, all he wanted to do was be around her. Christian knew she needed him, but he just couldn't bring himself to admit what the world knew…he needed her so much more.

As Taylor drove to the funeral, Christian grabbed his phone. It felt like they were on the same path as two weeks ago. It was weird, they were just simply enjoying the day debating on sports and then Christian's mother had called him. The voicemail still rang in his head. Hey sweetie, its mom. I don't want to alarm you or anything, but Ray has passed away. From what your sister has told me, you and Ana aren't talking right now, but she could use you right now. She's been having a hard time these last few days. She isn't eating or talking. Look just call me when you have time. Love you. It was hard couple of weeks, but nothing in compare to her, she needed him and again he abandoned her because he was worried about actually loving someone.

Watching from a distance Christian Grey as the funeral of his mentor began. He could easily see her in front, she was staring off into space, barely reacting to anything; he could see the worry on everyone's face…He knew what they were worried about, Ana was holding herself for everyone else, she was afraid of letting anyone see what he saw. She was broken. The sad part was he wanted to be the one comforting her, but he knew it would probably be hard for her to understand why he pushed her away. He'd never admit it to her, but the feelings were deep and it scared him. So Christian Grey did what he did best, he broke her heart before Ana could do it to him. Yet, seeing his bookworm sitting there sad, guilt of what he did broke his heart.

Anastasia Steele had started out as his sister's annoying friend and quickly became the girl who loved to read just as much as he did. It started when they were in middle school, she was the new girl, a shiny new toy for everyone to stare at. Ana seemed to only have eyes for the library, something he couldn't get enough of. She was something of a mystery to him, maybe that was why they fit so perfectly in a way. It wasn't until Ana's 16th birthday and her mom didn't show up. Ray Couldn't get her out of the tree house, Christian knew her like the back of his hand at this point. He knew she'd hide up there, cry and eventually pretend like it didn't matter to her, but deep down she was falling apart.

At the age of seventeen, Christian wanted to figure out his future, unfortunately it was leading him away from where he truly wanted to be. He was the type of person who usually didn't let much get through thick skin, but the idea of leaving the place he'd grown to eventually love. With each step down the street from his house, the more he thought about how close he was to Ana's house. It was Ana's birthday today, the party was earlier in the day, but of course he had to put in a few hours at his internship…it didn't matter though, he was finally able to get away to spend some time together.

Ray stared up at the tree, his daughter seemed so lost and frustrated. All day she'd waited for Carla's phone call, that's all she'd wanted to do is know her mom still wanted to be connected. Yet, here she was lost and unsure if her mom still cared. When he was about to give up, Christian came walking down towards the house confused. "She won't come down. Carla didn't call and…well she's having difficulty with it."

Christian shook his head, Carla had issues and maybe that was why Ana had so many walls up whenever kids at school tried to get closer to her. It was an uphill struggle for her and Christian hated it. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he wished she'd let him in just as he let her. Without a word to Ray, Christian began to take each step up trying to figure out what he was going to tell her. When he finally got to the top, he could see her profile as she leaned against the window just staring outside with tears. Mia always cried for attention, but when Ana cried…well that was probably one of the hardest things to watch. "You know on your birthday it's against some law you cannot cry." He could see her tears; it wasn't something he was truly used to. He hated it when he did see them, it always caused his heart to hurt for her. "Bookworm?"

Ana sighed as she wiped her tears still avoiding Christian's eyes. He knew her past the worry and walls laid a sweet lost person. Ana was good at trying to hide her emotion, to look up to the sky and ignore all the frustrations or anger she'd been trying to avoid. "She promised this year would be different. I thought maybe she'd change this year, but it's the same every time she… How do I keep falling for it Chris?"

Moving to sit next to her, Christian wrapped his arms around her. He had blocked out his own mother's life in his own. But he got what she was trying to express. It wasn't fair that Carla constantly abandoned her, he could never do what she did to Ana. She was truly the purest soul anyone could interact with. "I don't know why she does d Anastasia, but it doesn't matter anymore. The only people that matter is my family, Ray and me. It shouldn't matter anymore, what she does doesn't matter what she does. No matter what Bookworm, I'll never abandon you. I'll keep you safe." For the rest of the night the two of them just sat down embraced in on another. In that moment he promised himself he'd do anything to keep Ana from ever feeling abandoned.

Yet, that was exactly what he did. Christian Grey grew feelings for Ana Steele, his best friend. So, he asked her out a few weeks ago, he knew it was going to be scary, but he'd hoped for the best. The feelings he'd had for her were strong and Christian truly believed that they could fall into this without issues. What he didn't count on was his hard exterior to push Ana away, to abandon her when she probably needed his support more than anyone else. Of course, if he'd would've come to her three weeks prior it probably would've been easier to get through to her. However, they were here and Ana was currently cuddled up against the tree. "Sir? Permission to speak freely?"

Christian's eyes averted to his driver/head of security Taylor. He always knew what he was thinking, even if Christian wanted avoid it. "Taylor?"

Turning off the car, Taylor shook his head before facing his boss. "Maybe watching from a distance won't help much. She's going to know...if you tell her Alexia isn't actually in your life, I'm sure things could be right again." Taylor had always had a soft spot for Ana, she was the only friend of Christian's that truly had his best interest at heart. Whenever she'd come over, Ana would bring a light into Christian's life that he truly needed. "Ms. Steele is the person you constantly want to be around, but you know Alexia always tried to get between the two. Look at her Christian..." Ana was sitting there, everyone had already left, yet there she was alone and upset. How could he leave her to deal with everything alone? "You've had her friendship for years, yet you were able 'to let her go like that...Why? You and I both know why."

"Call whoever you need to, but get me a car here. Once they come leave." He would never admit it, why would he? He'd keep it to himself a little while longer, he couldn't run the risk of not keeping his shit together now. Stalking over to the grave site, Christian could see the tears, it broke his heart to see her hunched over her father's grave crying. As his own tears threatened to fall, He swiftly wrapped his arms around his best friend. "It's okay I'm here for you bookworm." Rubbing her back, she leaned against his touch. Ana and Christian always had a way about knowing what one another needed, wither it was a touch or things enjoyed, Ana was the other half Christian needed and vice versa. "Talk to me?"

Ana shook her head before leaning into his touch a bit more, she needed to get her mindset cleared before she went off on him again. "You came..." She was angry at him. She had fallen in love with Christian and here they were acting like nothing had happen. That three weeks ago she didn't catch him cheating on him with his ex. Maybe it was her insecurities or maybe even the grief speaking, but she was bitter and heart broken.

"Ray was like a second father to me Ana, of course I'd be here." His voice rose before quickly falling back to a neutral tone. "You picked a good spot. Ray used to love take me and Elliot here when we first moved here. He always knew how to see thorough our rough parts. Kept us away from trouble." Christian could've gone on many different paths, but Ray was true to his word to Grace, made sure Christian didn't get into trouble. "I'm sorry for your loss Anastasia; He was a good man." Christian always wondered what life would've been like if he never got adopted, but even more he wondered what it would've been like if Ray never took him under his wing. The path he could've gone down getting into trouble, letting the depression he felt overtake his life. No, Ray refused to let anyone especially someone like Christian go down a very dark path.

"He's like you all, just in my life one minute and leaving the next." Bitterness raged in her voice as she pulled away from him. How could he apologize especially since he hadn't even tried to talk to her since Ray's death? "Where is Alexia? She waiting in the car for you? Wanted a laugh at me?"

Ana was as stubborn as they came, she wouldn't admit it, but she was breaking. The glue that held her together was clearly slipping and there was no way of fixing her. Tears were falling as Ana got off the ground, she wouldn't taint this spot with their fight...this wasn't the time nor place. "Ana, let's not do this here. You and I both know Ray would be pissed if we were fighting. This was his happy place." Rolling her eyes, Ana wrapped her arms around herself before shrugging. "Please bookworm..."

"Please don't call me that...you've hurt me enough..." Ana faced him running her fingers through her hair once again. She was tired, this whole day was overwhelming her and she was trying really hard to keep her anxiety under control. "I'm sorry, I know my dad meant a lot to you. I shouldn't have...I miss him you know. In the last two weeks, I've just moved along trying to figure out what's my next move."

Standing against the tree, Christian looked up and saw for the first time in years the teen girl who loved to read more than socializing. Yup, he's a goner when it came to the side of him that wanted to embrace being around him. He was worried though, he didn't see the spark that once lifted the eyes of his bookworm. Instantly he knew he was partially to blame. "Your dad was so proud of you. When you came back to Seattle, he honestly was the happiest person on earth. I remember he had chatted with my mother about throwing you a party, I had to make sure that of course didn't happen. We both know that would've been a disaster. I'm sorry I've avoided you these last two weeks. I threw myself into work, I didn't want to admit that he was gone and seeing you I knew would make it hurt more. I was selfish Ana, I know." Moving closer, he watched as she froze, he could see the worry in her eyes as he touched her face softly. "I'm sorry..."

"I know you are, but I don't trust you anymore Christian. For one week I thought I could see the light we had been fighting for so long. For the last few years, I waited...I waited for you to see me Christian. I was there always, but you never saw me." She closed her eyes as she leaned into his touch before sighing.

"I'm so happy you made your way here. I needed you..." Moving away from him, she looked up into his eyes, "But you left. You went back to your past and left me standing alone. I get why, for the last three weeks you've kind of kept me on ice...But I needed you. Selfishly I NEEDED YOU!" Tears fell, the last bit of make-up ran down her face and she felt the anger that she'd tried to bury deep down inside.

Shaking his head, Christian wrapped his arms around Ana tightly, he wasn't going to let this get hostile again, nor would he let her do this alone. "Look we don't have to ruin this day by us disagreeing again. I just…I wanted to tell you I'm sorry Ana, I really em."

Ana stood there trying to accept what he was saying, to be honest she was close to agreeing and letting him back in. Yet, she knew she couldn't go backwards, she needed space to figure out what she wanted. "Can we just forget that week happened? I can't do this alone; I can't stand here and not have you around Chris." Her tear stained eyes found his. Ana couldn't deny her feelings, she would always be in love with Christian Grey, but she wasn't willing to deny that she was strong enough to get through this without him.


*" Grief is like living two lives. One is where you 'pretend' everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain"


One month Later

A month after the funeral everyone had seen a change in Ana. Christian had kept his promise, leaving her to figure out what she wanted. That didn't mean he wasn't constantly keeping an eye on her. The love he was beginning to accept was still there, but knew she had to go through everything first before they could finally get back to a good place. Sitting in his office, Christian attempted to focus on the paperwork in front of him. Owning his own company wasn't easy, but he liked the idea of knowing the people dealt with. His family always seemed to always encourage him in a way that no one else could. Even after the whole thing between Ana and him, his family still had his back.

Yet here he was beating himself up about how Ana was avoiding him. A slight piece of him knew he should let her go, he didn't want to keep hurting her. But on the other hand, she was worth the wait and pain of separation. He wouldn't give into failing. Running his hand through his hair, Christian tried to focus on the papers in front of him again. The frustration was clear, but his mind wasn't again. "Mr. Grey?" Christian's eyes rose as he saw Olivia his secretary's assistant.

The slender blonde smiled softly before coming into the office, handing him his usual cup she leaned in a little further to show off a bit. Shaking his head, he waved her off barely noticing anything. He was hoping it was maybe an actual friend or maybe...Maybe he was hoping Ana would come back to him, but no...it was just Olivia annoying him. After an hour of attempting to focus on his work, Christian began to stare out the window overlooking Seattle, the town had memories of a happier time with his siblings...A content and happy time with the woman who'd he loved since they'd met so many years ago. He just wasn't the person who thought he deserved love. "You okay Christian?" Kate watched as her boyfriend's brother seemed to be lost in the worst ways almost as bad as Ana. The two of them seemed to be so stubborn and the pain they were causing each other seemed unnecessary.

"Kate, I didn't know I had a meeting with you today. To be honest I didn't know you were even here. Andrea usually lets me know before..." Christian would put money on the reason Kate was here. Ana... According to Mia, Ana had complete switched off her emotions after Ray's funeral. She doesn't do much besides work and sleep, rarely they'd be lucky if she pretends to put on a brave face and eat. He was trying his best to give her the space, but the protector inside of him was preventing him from fully letting go. "If this is about Ana, you and I both know she has asked me to leave her alone. That means letting her go." He tried deeply to sound as convincing as he could, even if he didn't believe his own words. Turning he could see Kate didn't believe him either.

Kate shrugged before sitting at Christian's desk. She was tired of seeing Ana and Christian hurt one another with whatever happened after the wake. "Look, I'm not going to pretend I get you and Ana's complicated past. I don't even think the best therapist in the world would even begin to get it; but the reason I'm here is because we've all tried to get through to Ana. She's lost so much weight, she's acting weird and she won't take any of our help. I'm worried, your mother is worried and honestly, she needs you. She won't admit it and maybe it's because you two are beyond stubborn and pigheaded, but it's time for you to figure out what you're going to do because I will not lose her. She's been through a lot with Ray passing and having no one of blood to rely on anymore. I'm asking you to go back to the over possessive human you used to be Christian. You and I both know you can't quit her."

She was right, there was no way Christian Grey could stop caring or loving Ana. He knew deep down inside they would be endgame. There just wasn't anything in this world that could keep him from letting the two of them end up together. "Kate, I don't know what to tell you. She wont listen. She wont return my calls, I've tried a lot of things to get her attention. I don't want to push her. You didn't see her before we got to my parents. She hates me for leaving."

"You and I know that's not why she's mad. She's hurt because those magazines kept filling her head with the fact that you were seeing that girl again. Besides that, you know she never liked Ana when you guys were dating; so I don't blame her for reacting, but Elliot and I are convinced you were trying to push her away before the true reasoning was unveiled..." Kate stared him down with a stern look. Everyone knew Christian had a rough childhood, he wasn't really used to getting love or attention until his adoptive parents came into the picture. "Look, I know she isn't as over you as you want to believe." Sighing she looked down at her own watch, she didn't want to take up a lot of his time, and he needed time to really settle with the thoughts she had just laid on him. Almost out the door, she turned to look once more at the young billionaire, she could easily see the sadness in his eyes. She wanted to do whatever she could to help both of them see what everyone already knew. "She's always at her dads. She moved out of my place back into her dad's. She gets done about three, visits Ray and then heads back to his place. She hasn't been eating much unless Grace sits with her. Just talk to her."

With that Christian was left with only his thoughts forming...


A Week Later

Another day...Ana just had to get through another day. The thought was on repeat as she tried to get through another week without much to live for. Losing Ray had caused Ana to run into a rut of depression, something she wasn't really ready to admit to anyone. Everyone knew she was sad, but no one wanted to admit it had gotten that bad yet. It was easy to deny everything, to sweep it under the rug, but she was in pain and didn't trust anyone to pull her out of it. Ana watched as the time on her watch ticked away. She couldn't deny that she was plastering the fakest smile on whenever someone would check in on her, or when Grace would come over with dinner for the two of them. Yet, when she was alone after the long day of faking her emotions, she was tired and unable to really push through the depression alone.

Today wasn't any different, she'd spent most her day editing a few books before punching out for the day. It led to her time at the cemetary with her father's grave, something she'd started a few days after his death. It was the only place besides her home that she could let herself really feel all the feelings. She hated it though, to know that her lack of wanting to live was there. She asked for a sign, but she didn't know what to do. She had Kate and the Grey's, but she still had no one she could completely rely on in the same way a family did. Running her hands through her dark brunette hair, Ana sat down on the porch just staring out into thin air just trying to come up with her next move. She couldn't live like this much longer.

Just as she was about to head inside, Ana could hear a familiar sound of Christian's car coming down the dirt road. "This isn't my day. I really cannot handle this today." Ana whispered to herself as Christian parked his car in front her father's house. Something was different though, usually clean-cut Christian Grey was now a bearded man. He seemed to age over the last month, something she was pretty sure she had to do with. "Ana..."

"Christian..." She replied half hearted. She could tell he was off. She was trying hard to keep her wall up, she had to keep her emotions in check, he would be the one to see through it if she wasn't careful. "Interesting to see you here. I thought you were going to leave me be."

Shaking his head, he ignored her snippy attitude with a soft sigh before running his hand over his face. "You look like you lost half your weight. I am worried about you." Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to calm himself down. He was pissed at himself for letting her slip through this. Frustration ran rapid to his own heart. "I've let this go on long enough Ana. everyone wants to walk on eggshells with you and I'm pretty sure you even have them fooled that you're okay, but I can see...I know what you've been hiding."

If there was anyone who could see her without blinders on, it was him. It was both a curse and blessing as they were growing up. They both knew instantly when the other had gotten to a dark place. Ana always remembered a time when Christian had finally learned about his birth mother. He shut everyone out, acting out was his only way to get through the rippling pain of realizing that his father was unknown and his mother was a druggy that never wanted him. When he was depressed and unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel, he sat alone by the water debating if he should just give up and let the silent voice in his head win. If his own parents didn't want him, how was he supposed to feel like anyone would? It was as if a spark in her own heart drove her to the little river behind their parent's home. It was instant in that moment, she started realizing there was something between them. Which was why she knew he knew what was going through her head. "Christian I can't handle this right now."

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to not think it. I know what is going through your mind right now, it's easy to think that way you know. The day you saved me...I was willing to take a very easy way out, but you stopped me. I can see what Ray's death is doing to you. We all can, but you need to realize that they are still your family Ana. I see what the grief is doing to you. You look like a shell of a human being. I can't stand here and let it happen. You aren't the only one suffering. Mom and Dad keep worrying about you. They've taken turns watching from the house worried they'll miss something and you'll slip through the cracks without them knowing. Mia hasn't been doing well with guilt. She wishes she could do more. Elliot and Kate are fighting about how to help you, neither wanting to hurt you."

Pinching the bridge of his nose again, Christian was trying anything and everything to keep from losing his cool or emotion. He hated being touch on her, but it was the only way to really get her to see the effect everyone was dealing with. "You seem fine."

Shaking his head, he looked at her, she knew better. "You and I both know I am not fine. I'd be lying to you if I said I was." Standing staring at one another, neither of them budge from their spots. Ana didn't want to let him in, he didn't want to push too much in one day. "We are going to figure out what to do, you and I both know you can't live like this. None of us want to see it and Ray would be pissed if I let you do this to yourself. You might not want me around, but I'm not leaving until we figure out how to get you through this. I made you a promise years ago bookworm."

Ana's eyes shot to his at the sound of her nickname. She wouldn't admit it, but she'd missed hearing him call her that these last weeks. "Don't call me that..."

"You will always be my bookworm Anastasia Steele. You could ask me one million times to stop, but you will always be mine..." Christian would rather do just about anything before he stopped using her nickname. "I made you a promise the day you saved me bookworm. I promised no matter what we'd get each other out of the darkness depression opened. I'm not leaving Ana. You either come with me to Seattle or I stay here, but either way we're working together. I love you too much to let you do anything stupid."

Rolling her eyes, she continued to stare at Christian frustrated with his intrusion on her day. However, she knew what was going to happen. She knew deep down, they were both stubborn as an ox, but Christian wasn't one to back down. Ana sighed before rolling her eyes and opening the door. "You know, you really piss me off Grey."

Shrugging, Christian quickly texted Taylor to bring a few things over and to cancel a few things for the rest of the week. He was going to have to be tough with her and having outside interference wasn't what was best. Ana and Christian would get her to the other side of losing Ray. Maybe this was the best way for the two of them to figure things out between them as well.

/I know it's taken a minute for this to come together, but life hasn't been easy. This chapter deals with alot of grief. It holds a special place in my heart due to losing my cousin fifteen years ago. I still hold a lot of grief and sadness when it comes to her, but this story has been a way to see the best side of a really hard situation. That sometimes love does get you through the hardest times in life. The next chapter we'll see a few more characters, but the focus is really on how Ana deals with her grief and how christian's love for her brings her out better. Please Read and Review!