Chapter 2: Painful Pasts
I spent most of my time in Ithaca away from the other Cullens, away from Edward. I threw myself into the studies, but even studying English and Philosophy couldn't distract me. Edward spent his days curled up in a ball of misery, and I knew my sister would be reacting the same way.
Alice and Jasper accompanied me, most of the time. Alice cared about Bella as much as I did, and Jasper couldn't bear to be around Edward's emotional state. None of us, really, could stand it, not even Emmett and Rose, who had taken off on a honeymoon a few weeks after we arrived.
And that was why, two months after we'd left, when Alice and Jasper approached me for a trip into Alice's past, I agreed.
"My last name starts with a B and is maybe 4-8 letters long? I woke up in 1920, in Biloxi, Mississippi. According to James, I was in an asylum before. We found three asylums in the area that could have some sort of record, and there's a museum in the area that could have information, so that's where we're going," Alice explained on the plane.
I nodded, then closed my eyes. Mississippi. That was right next to Louisiana. Though, of course, it was likely that she wouldn't be in Louisiana anymore, the proximity to the Southern Wars in general was making me nervous. Even though I knew Alice would be able to see if we were in any sort of danger from the Southerners. I wasn't the only one, either. I could practically feel the tension radiating off of Jasper, though he tried to act calm for his mate's sake.
Of course, it was kind of funny that I was returning to the place of my nightmares (if I could sleep) with the famed second of the Monterrey Coven, my former coven's sworn enemy, who was now part of my coven and my brother, in a way. But the humor was overshadowed by my irrational fear.
I did not want to see Delilah again. Not after I'd just accepted that, maybe, vampires could love each other like family. Not after I'd finally started healing from her betrayal.
Alice had already searched up the museum that could have the records, which would be our next stop. From there, we would look for girls with the first name Alice and a last name beginning with B, and from there, girls who had about Alice's description. I had no idea, actually, why they'd brought me along - it seemed as if they would be able to handle it perfectly well themselves. When I'd asked Alice, though, she'd said that there was something critical that we would only find out if I was there. She had no idea what it was, though, and I welcomed the break from him.
We found the museum easily enough, and had little trouble persuading the receptionist to let us in. I didn't even have to use my compulsion - she had been charmed enough by Jasper and his natural vampire looks, though Alice had been hilariously jealous by the end of it.
In the archives, a kind elderly lady, a librarian, led us to the section on asylums. This time, Alice was the one who convinced her to leave us alone.
Her parting words, though, were peculiar. "You two are an adorable couple, by the way, and, for your sister, I have a grandson about your age. But I'll leave you alone from blabbering me."
"Sister?" I asked. How had she known that I considered Alice and Jasper my siblings?
Her eyes widened. "Oh, I'm sorry, are you not related? You look so alike, it's almost as if you're twins."
"No," Alice managed to stammer out. "We're just friends."
I stared at Alice's face. I hadn't noticed before, but we truly did look remarkably alike. It wasn't just our yellow-ish eyes and pale skin that all vampires had, or the short hair; our minature heights were quite similar, as were the shapes of our faces, and almost everything else.
Could Alice be somehow related to me?
We ended up finding three Alice's who met the first few requirements: Alice Lily Bell, Alicia Anne Burr, and Mary Alice Brandon. Of them, after we'd done some research online, Mary Alice seemed the best fit. And my grandmother's maiden name had been Brandon.
Mary Alice had been buried in a graveyard in Old Biloxi Cemetery, but visiting Alice's potential grave seemed like something that would be better for Alice and Jasper to do alone. I told them I would meet them at the airport we'd arrived at, Lundys Airport. That was why I was alone, at Biloxi Public Library, that evening.
The sweet scent of another vampire was what alerted me to the presence of another vampire, or, another two vampires. One scent I didn't recognize, but the other was all too familiar.
My nightmare was here. Delilah.
"My dearest Caitlin," she said. "What a surprise to find you here." Her smile told me that, no, this was not a surprise for her. But I'd compulsed her. How had she managed to override that?
"It's been so long, I thought you'd forgotten about me. I'm so very sorry for how we parted. But I hope you'll forgive me. I was just so stricken at the idea of losing you, and losing my chance of avenging Matteo, that ... I'm truly sorry, Caitlin."
"It seems like you've found a replacement for me, though," I replied, looking at the vampire besides her. I had no intention of joining Delilah again, of course, but there was also no doubt in my mind what Delilah would do if I refused. She hadn't hesitated last time, and it had only been my gift that had stopped her from killing me, but if this new vampire had a gift, then there was a chance I couldn't win.
"Oh yes," Delilah said. "I forgot that you haven't met. Caitlin, this is Sai. She's got remarkable instincts, remarkable even for a vampire." Sai smiled, though there was a hint of ferocity in her smile.
Remarkable instincts. That was probably how they'd found me. I was fairly certain, though, that neither could stand against my compulsion. But could I do that, even to survive? What if it wasn't necessary? What if I was just seeking an excuse to use my power because it made me feel powerful? Did using it make me a monster, like Delilah?
And was that how I wanted to win? I saw myself in Sai. Had she chosen this life, or had she been lied to by Delilah? Did she know that there was another way? Could I just kill her for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for being convinced by Delilah? It wasn't her fault, after all. And was it even Delilah's? She'd lost so much, and she hadn't known any other way, when her mate had died, than to fight back and seek revenge through newborn armies.
I couldn't compulse them, then kill them. I just couldn't.
And then Sai spoke. "Caitlin. I know you're lonely. Maybe you've found others of our kind, but they don't understand you. They haven't been through the same things you have. They've hurt you, maybe without realizing it, because they don't understand. But we do. Delilah and Aaron and I." Her words struck home. Edward had hurt me. None of them understood, as I did, exactly what would happen now that Bella was alone. None of them understood why I still couldn't relax around them, how I felt as I struggled for control over my bloodlust.
But no. It didn't matter that they didn't understand. I knew that Sai was just manipulating me with her words, with her instincts that could find my weak spots. And the others, the Southerners, didn't understand me, either. I didn't want to kill. Even though I struggled, I didn't want to drink human blood, not ever again.
"I'm afraid that you'll have to find someone else, Delilah," I replied cheerfully, carefully masking the struggle they'd incited within me. "And Sai, dearest?" I asked, mimicking Delilah. "You do know that once Delilah has me, she'll replace you, right? That's why she wants to find me, so she won't have to deal with you any more. She'll probably even have me kill you, like I'd executed every vampire in her army, over time."
Sai's eyes were narrowed, but not surprised. Maybe I had misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't as oblivious as I had been. She'd mentioned a male, Aaron, was that her mate? Had Delilah threatened him somehow to ensure Sai's obedience?
"Such a pity," Delilah purred, not bothering to refute my statement. "You know, I really did love you, Caitlin. Maybe not as much as I loved Matteo, but I cared about you. And don't you miss the life, in some way? How you could drink as much as you wanted, without anyone regulating? How sweet the human blood tasted?"
The fire in my throat flared up at her words, but Delilah wasn't as skillful of a manipulated as Sai. I didn't need to drink human blood to be happy. I had my family...
That was currently broken and in pieces, due to a certain brother. But it was better than the twisted relationships I'd had in the wars.
"Sorry, still no," I replied. "And don't try to fight. I'll fight back, and I'll win." Delilah didn't know about my current hatred of my power. Maybe I could bluff my way out of this.
"Then leave," Delilah growled, her pleasant mask finally coming off. "This is my territory, and I won't have other vampires coming into it."
I nodded. As long as Alice and Jasper were done, I was more than happy to go back to Ithaca, or wherever our next destination was. "Of course, Delilah," I said cheerily, just to annoy her. "Whatever you say."
"You may have found a new coven," Delilah called out as I turned to leave, "but you'll never be able to fit in. You and I, my dear Caitlin, we're the same, and the South doesn't forget it's vampires."
"Goodbye," I sang. "And by the way, it's Cate," I added, just before I moved out of hearing range. I wasn't Caitlin anymore. That part of my life was over.
But her words haunted me. What if she was right? What if it was my past in the wars that mattered, that had shaped me? I'd found a family, but if I had a mate, would I be willing to sacrifice everything for him (or her)? I was certain Delilah hadn't been like she was now as a human; was it her experience in the wars that shaped her, like it had shaped me?
And I was even more dangerous than Delilah. My gift made me so. I could do nearly anything with it; take away the will of others, force others to do things they didn't want to, make them kill themselves, even. Delilah wasn't a monster, even with all she'd done, but I very well could be.
I could never let myself become that. And there was one thing I knew that would transform me.
I barely paid attention to where I was going as I headed to Lundys Airport, on a taxi because it was less conspicuous than me running.
By the time I reached the airport, where Alice and Jasper were waiting, I'd made my decision: I couldn't ever find a mate. Not if it would make me willing to hurt everyone else.
Alice's expression, when I met them at the terminal, told me everything I needed to know. She had seen the confrontation, and they hadn't come.
"Explain," I said tersely. I'd come with them to Biloxi for Alice, and they hadn't even come with me as I faced my creator?
"I'm sorry, Cate," she said. "But I didn't see them coming until it was too late - probably part of Sai's gift - and I knew their reaction would be worse if we came."
It would? At first, I couldn't figure out how, until my gaze fell on Jasper. Of course. Delilah's vendatta was centered upon Jasper, the one who'd killed her mate. If he had come, then she would have fought, no matter what, and I would have had to kill her and Sai.
And I couldn't kill them. Delilah was me if I had let the wars harden me, if I hadn't escaped, and Sai was me if I'd had someone to protect, back then.
Just like I was them, only without a mate. And I would never get a mate.
"It's fine," I replied. "I guess I'm just upset about seeing her."
Alice nodded absentmindedly. It was then that I noticed how she was otherwise as still as a statue, practically radiating pain.
"What happened?" I asked cautiously. Alice closed her eyes delicately in response.
"Mary Alice Brandon definitely was her name, and we saw her gravestone, with the same date of death as her arrival at the asylum," Jasper replied, seeing his mate's unwillingness to explain.
"They sent me there, then told to everyone else that I was dead," Alice murmured, almost too quietly for me to hear.
Oh. I couldn't imagine anyone doing that to their child, not even my father, who had loved me in his own way.
"I'm sorry, Alice," I said. "And, what about the Brandon connection?"
Alice perked up at that. "It turns out that Mary Alice - I - had a cousin. Glen Brandon. He moved to Louisiana, and that's when we lost track of him. So that's where we're going next. Baton Rouge, Louisiana."
Baton Rouge, the place I'd grown up. Baton Rouge, the place I'd suffered in. Baton Rouge, the place where I'd been transformed into a vampire.
"You don't have to come," Alice quickly added, seeing my reaction. "It's fine if you want to go back to Ithaca."
But I shook my head. Finding out if I truly was related to Alice would be worth it. And maybe confronting my past to do this wouldn't be so painful after all.
"Just one thing," I said. "You're sure Delilah won't be there?" I couldn't face meeting my creator again.
"…so we just had to figure out if we were truly related," Alice concluded the story she told to the woman who now owned the house that I grew up in. Phil had sold the house after our father had died, apparently, and I couldn't blame him.
The woman, Bethany Ford, who'd told us to call her Beth, shook her head. "What an amazing story," she said. I was more amazed at the other fact: that Alice hadn't told a single lie, as she spoke about the two of us meeting at a high school, about people noticing strange similarities between our appearances, about realizing a shared last name in our histories: Brandon, about wondering if we could really be cousins. It was utterly realistic, but at the same time had a fairy-tale quality to it.
But there were some things about the story, like our ages and how we fit into the family tree and story, that had to be concealed. "So we did some research," I added, "and found that this was the house my mother had grown up in. In fact, it's the house my great-grandfather, who might have been her great-grandmother's cousin, bought, when he moved from Mississippi to Louisiana. And my uncle said that there might still be some old family records in the house." In fact, I was sure that my father hadn't touched the records Grandma Kathleen had kept in the attic, and that Phil still had no idea of the secret passageway to the attic. I'd only shared that secret with Fiona.
Beth frowned. "I'm not… I'm sorry, but I don't think there are any records that the old owners kept. At least, in the five years I've lived here, I haven't found anything."
"Just in case?" I asked, not wanting to seem too pushy, even though I knew for a fact that there were the records, in the attic.
She shrugged. "Sure."
I led the way as we entered the house, pretending to look around for a while before finding the entrance to the attic: a door at the back of a closet that faced a staircase. When the house had been built, the room probably hadn't supposed to be a closet, but it was a clever cover for the door - no one paid too much attention to what was behind the clothes. Except me, of course, when I'd hidden behind the rows of shirts and coats, and found that the wall I was leaning against could move.
Beth gasped as I revealed the stairs to the attic, her eyes going wide with surprise. I nodded like I was satisfied, then gestured to the stairway.
"I think this is it," I said.
As a child I'd never been interested in the boxes of old records that laid neatly in the corner. I had been more interested in the random supplies, which ranged from old-fashioned dresses to antique furniture to beautiful jewelry, that encompassed the left half of the room. I'd played hours of make-believe in the area, and when Fiona had come along, she had joined me. Now, though, our goal was the old photos and other documents on the right.
Beth stood at the top of the stairs, her expression still shocked, as Alice, Jasper, and I looked through the documents. I could tell that it was frustrating not to work at vampire speed, but even so it only took minutes before we found something.
It was a photograph, taken around the time Alice had been a human - the date on the back was July 19, 1910. It showed a group of children, their ages ranging from toddlers to teenagers, almost adults. On the right side were two boys who looked vaguely like my father, and a girl who I could have sworn was my grandmother Kathleen, had the dates matched up. And on the left, a little bit apart from the rest of the children, touching only her younger sister, was Alice. Mary Alice.
It seemed that we were related, after all.
Alice's face slowly melted into a grin, as she pounced to envelop me into a hug. She was whispering, too quietly for anyone to hear, but I could tell that she was overjoyed.
"Looks like there are people in your family who love you," I said quietly to her. A cough from behind us brought us back to the present. It was Beth. A small snarl erupted from Alice, as she turned, annoyed at being interrupted.
"So?" she asked, though it was obvious what we'd found.
"It looks like we're distant cousins," I replied, smiling.
"Oh! Congratulations!" she said, like it was something we should be proud of. But even her presence and interruptions weren't enough to keep Alice down for long.
"Thank you so much for letting us do this," Jasper thanked her, and Beth blushed. Immediately, I swallowed the venom that had swelled at the sight of her blood flowing. I hadn't hunted in too long. The reminder, though, was enough to darken my mood once more, as I remembered Delilah and all that had happened in Biloxi. I wasn't going to become her, though, I reminded myself. And I wasn't going to let anything take away Alice's joy at finally knowing about her past, as painful as some of it was.
The universe seemed to have decided that we'd suffered enough, too - when we returned to Ithaca, we found that Edward had left, a few hours after we'd boarded the plane to Mississippi. No one knew where he was headed, but, as Carlisle and Esme said, he seemed to have found another purpose in life.
Maybe there still was hope of us moving past this. Maybe the past would finally stay behind us.
Then I remembered my sister, who was hurting, back in Forks; Edward, who'd forced this upon us and was still suffering; our entire family, which was missing two important members.
We weren't fine, and I'd been stupid to think that we might recover with Bella a continent away, and Edward off to who-knows-where.
