Surprise! I know I said probably next Monday I would post this chapter, but I got done editing this over the weekend and just felt like I needed to post it now. This story is going to be sad, but will have a happy ending in the end I promise. They will go through a lot before the ending. I will try to get the next chapter up next Monday, but I am not sure if it will happen due to life. Thank you again for all the reviews.
Sarah vs. Courage
August 1, 2020
Sarah packs the next morning, schedules a flight, and calls the General. The General answer her phone admittedly.
"Hello, Agent Walker. Do you need anything?" the general answers the phone surprised she is getting a call from an agent who is not allowed in the field.
"Yes, I am wanting to take an indefinite leave. I have some things I need to do."
Beckman is happy at that second that the conversation is just a phone call and not in person or video call because Beckman smiles. She tries not to think ahead of what could happen or what her Agent is going to do because this Agent has taken time off before only to come back, but she hopes that at that moment her Agent is finally taking back what Quinn took from her 8 and half years ago.
"That is fine, Agent Walker. Take all the time you need. I hope you fix all you need to," The General states keeping her excitement out of her voice. She has been rooting for this love story and hopes her Agent does whatever she needs to do. She hope the Agent finds whatever she has been waiting for.
"Thanks," Sarah says and hangs up the phone shocked that the General did not put up a fight. She wonders if the General knows she is going home.
….
It is 5:00 pm when she arrives at the house. The house with the little red door and white picket fence. Her dream house. She parks one the road a few houses down and sits there. She watches and can see the whole family there through the main window. She sighs. It is August 1st. Her little girl's birthday. They must be celebrating she thinks to herself. She should have realized the date before, but she forgot. She doesn't know how she could forget that. She puts her head against the wheel of the car and tries to stop the tears. She stays like that for a while trying to get control over herself. She jumps when there is a knock on the passenger window.
"Unlock the car, Walker," a gruff voice says.
She does as it a voice she knows and isn't surprised when John Casey slides in.
John Casey looks at one of his only friends who he hasn't seen in so long and just feels like someone ripped his heart out. She looks worn out. He has seen her lost before, he has seen the cold hard spy, and he has seen an emotional wreck, but this is different. Casey wonders what changed since he last saw her when she was trying her hardest to be the cold spy. Truth be told, he can't even remember the last time he saw her. He has come to care for Walker as another daughter practically and it hurts to see her hurting even though she is the one who got herself in this mess. They sit in the car in silence as Casey doesn't know how to start.
"I am glad you're here, but why are you here?" Casey asks honestly wondering why she disappeared for a year no contact with anyone and now suddenly shows up.
Sarah shrugs her shoulders and asks, "How's Gertrude? How's the leg?" Trying everything to change the subject.
"Good, she went in when I told her I forgot something in the car. And I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Thanks again for that by the way. Are you going to go in?" counters Casey.
She rolls her eyes, "Would I be here if I didn't plan on seeing them?"
"I honestly don't know anymore, Walker. It was radio silence for over a year. I haven't seen you in even longer. We saw how people can change in just a few short years when we originally came here while you don't remember that you know how much your life changed. Its why you went running back to the C.I.A. I honestly was being to wonder you forgotten you have a daughter and a husband in Burbank."
"Well, I didn't. I have just been busy," Sarah hisses. That comment about forgetting hit a little to close to home because of her pervious memory loss and because of the fact just today she hadn't realized it was her own daughter's birthday.
"You missed a lot," he cuts her off from saying any more excuses even though he knows she knows she missed a lot, "Alex and Morgan had baby number 3. A little girl named Ada Jayne. Jayne is spelled all funky though. I think it is some nerd reference. Carmichael industries is finally function on its own without any help. Everyone is busy living their lives. Hell, your daughter is starting 3rd grade which amazes me."
Sarah looks at Casey for the first time and sees how he is happy he is. He might be out of the spy game due to his leg, but he's happy. He's eyes show how much he loves their family. She remembers that when they first met, they both would have laughed at him being the excellent Grampa or honorary Uncle, he is today. Sarah looks back at the house and wonders if somehow, she can be a part of this amazing family again. If she can be happy in this life. If they all, can accept her into the lives and find a place for her all over again.
"I know, Casey. I know I missed a lot. I know I messed up. I get it," Sarah says in the same quiet whisper that she whispered her middle name to Chuck with all of those years ago.
"I know you know, Walker. I just want you to know that everyone is finally getting to an okay place and not wondering about you every single day. It was hard for everyone last time you left and I am not trying to stop you, but if you walk in there, just to leave and hurt them again, then I think you should stay in the car." Casey says with his chuckle.
Sarah shakes her head and smiles at Casey's lousy attempt at a joke, "When has anyone ever stayed in the car?"
"I don't think anyone has. If you do, you would be the first which I hope you aren't," he laughs as he gets out the car and heads to the house. He has no more to say at the moment. He doesn't want to have to pick up the pieces if she leaves again. She has almost destroyed the family time and time again and even though he hopes she'll decided to stay, he doesn't want her coming in here and hurting the family he has come to love.
Sarah stays frozen in the car watching the window in the house. She thinks about the conversations with Carina and Casey she has had in the past 48 hours and how they have solidified that she defiantly hurt everyone especially Chuck and Amelia. Sarah wants to go in, but even though, she knows Casey was semi joking his words have made a huge impact on her. The regrets pulse through her veins. Her life is a mess. It is almost like her life is two giant puzzles with pieces all mixed together. She has the life that Sarah Walker, Langston graham's wildcard enforcer would have wanted, but now she has the memories of becoming Sarah Bartowski, the loving caring wife who wanted children with her husband. Mentally, she is a twisted version of both. Quinn ruined her life and she is still wishing she could kill him again and again until he feels the pain, he has caused everyone.
Even though she feels more like Sarah Bartowski at the moment, she isn't sure she'll be able to stay and decides that Casey is right. She shouldn't hurt them more than she already has. She can't make promises she can't keep. She gets ready to leave and is starting the car when she sees through the window her daughter barrel into the living room.
Her daughter's blonde curly hair is in pig tails that remind Sarah of wiernerlicious days. She wonders if Chuck thinks of her when their daughter's hair is in that style. Clara follows her cousin into the living room and Sarah sees Carina is right that her Amelia is a little bit taller than the girl who is a year and half older. Everyone else plus a golden retriever and a smaller younger dog, a chocolate lab if she had to guess, file into the living room. Sarah wonders when they got a second dog. She helped pick out Lucy a few years ago during Christmas when Amelia was six when Sarah was spending more time with them.
Her attention turns back to the blonde girl who is starting to open presents. She slowly turns the car back off and sits again in silence watching Amelia light up. Watching the 3 younger boys try to get Amelia to let them play with the Legos she just got. Watching Ellie and Alex scald the boys for asking to play with their cousin's brand new gifts. Watching Molly hand Amelia, a present and say something that makes everyone laugh. Watching Morgan rock the baby Casey told her about. Watching Casey and Gertrude sit in the corner just enjoying the moments. Watching Devon console an obviously jealous Clara because Amelia got something she wanted even though the young girl's birthday is in January. Watching her mom and Chuck's mom be the grandmas that are present unlike the moms they once were. Watching Chuck be the caring father. The caring father that he was always meant to be.
Sarah wipes the tears off her face and decides she can't miss any more of this. Anymore of her family. Anymore of her daughter growing like a weed, but he doesn't want to go in now and ruin the moment though, so she sits just watching the family, her family, enjoy their time together. She waits until everyone leaves and slowly builds up the courage to walk to the door. It takes her awhile, but eventually she gets enough and knock on the red door.
