"Good morning," Hailey said as she spotted Jay coming into the kitchen. A quick glance at the clock on the stove told her they had about 15 minutes before they had to leave, enough time for them to get some food into their systems and as much coffee as they needed.
"Good morning," Jay replied, making his way towards the coffee pot. She caught the small smile on his face when he saw the empty coffee mug and his much-loved almond milk beside it. It was something small she could do, knowing the pressure they had been under, both at work and here at home.
It had been almost a month since that little girl died, and while he hid it well, Hailey could see Jay was still struggling. She also knew that their current situation wasn't helping, but truthfully, she wasn't sure where to go from here. There was not an option to ignore it all, but she also wished things could go back to normal. She could see how Jay was taking responsibility for everything, even when it wasn't really his fault.
The fear was still there, that one day she wouldn't be able to get out. It wasn't that she felt Jay would hurt her, she knew with every part of her that he never would do that, but she didn't want to be stuck in a marriage like her parents, where everything felt comfortable and neither could find a way back to each other. Every single time she crawled under her bed when her dad was in one of his moods, she promised herself that she wouldn't marry someone that didn't love her, that didn't protect her. Jay did that, and even now he still did that, and she knew he always would.
It's one of the reasons why she loved him.
"Hey," she said suddenly, prompting him to turn around from where he stood stirring his coffee. She had to will her brain to refocus, struck by the fact Jay was wearing the jacket she got him for his birthday. It was the first time she'd seen it on him, and she couldn't lie but he looked good. "How are you feeling?"
Jay studied her, like he was thinking there was only one answer she would accept before shrugging, his universal answer of "I don't know."
"Good," he finally settled on, but she could tell he was lying.
"Yeah?" she asked. "You know I'm here…"
"I know," Jay told her, walking around the island to stand in front of her. She watched as he set his coffee down before reaching to hold her hand. "Believe me, I know I can dump this all on you, but…"
"You don't want to burden me," she finished for him. Hailey knew how her husband's mind works, understood more than anyone that it was hard to drop your problems on someone else, even if you were married to them.
"It's my shit to figure out," he said. "I guess I'm just still processing it all, like it hasn't really settled in that this happened."
"I get that," Hailey said. "But, Jay, please, don't bottle this up forever. I know you, and I know you will and it will come back to bite you in the ass. If it's not me, talk to someone, please."
She didn't care she was all but begging him to talk to someone, hoping he could get it through his thick skull that she really was in his corner, that she didn't want to watch him wither away to that place she knew he retreated to when things got bad, when cases got tough.
"I will," he said, squeezing her hand. "I just need to sort it out first."
Hailey just nodded before the conversation was broken up by the sound of Jay's phone ringing. There would only be one reason for a call this early before work, and as she watched Jay retreat to grab his phone, she picked up both their mugs to place in the sink. That could wait until they got home.
She didn't want to admit it, but part of her knew Jay wasn't being honest about how he was doing about the shooting. All of the CPD cleared him of wrongdoing, but she could still see him carrying the burden around. She knew when he was lying, knew that he was telling the truth about Erin all those months ago. But that wasn't the problem now. Now it was the fact she felt the walls closing in and crumbling, that one of these days, Jay would leave, or worse, that they would continue with this pattern they found themselves in, sleeping in separate rooms, having to have short conversations that got them nowhere.
There was no doubt in her mind he loved her, but she could see the struggles. All she could hope for was that he would talk to someone, now more than ever as she felt the shooting set them back two steps after propelling them forward only one. She hated this, all of this, but the only thing she could do was be here for him when the dam finally broke.
Her thoughts were once more interrupted by her husband, this time the sound of his feet running and the sharp tone in which he spoke to who she assumed was Voight. As he came into view, she could see the wild look in his eyes, telling her something was wrong, really wrong.
"Bombing at a street festival," he quickly said, handing over her gun and badge, having already clipped on his. "The same one Burgess, Ruzek and Atwater were working."
"Let's go," she said, grabbing her keys that sat on the island next to Jay's, tossing him his own set as he headed for the door. It felt weird to be going to the same place in one car, but it was for appearance's sake she supposed.
"Get in," she heard Jay say, causing her head to turn towards him. His truck was behind her Jeep but she saw and heard his urgency.
"Hailey, get in the truck," he told her and it didn't take much else before she grabbed her bag from her car as Jay started the engine and flipped the lights on.
"We can explain it later," he said as she settled into the passenger seat. "You're my partner anyways."
"And I'm yours."
The words had a double meaning, but as he turned his head towards her, she knew he got it. This wasn't over yet, their marriage, them. Not just yet.
"Hey!" she heard, his voice raised slightly.
Hailey jumped, not used to hearing Jay shout towards her. She was quick to spin around, finding him in the doorway of the kitchen. Gone was the jeans he was wearing earlier and replaced by sweatpants, the black t-shirt likely the one he wore to work.
"You okay?" he asked her, concern written all over his features. She both loved and hated the look he was giving her.
"I'm fine," she replied, setting the glass down on the counter.
"Slamming the cabinets doesn't make it sound like you're fine," Jay said. He had a point, she wasn't fine, but she wouldn't admit it. It was her problem, not his.
"Do you want one?" she asked him. Liquor was much needed right now, and he may as well join her in drowning her sorrows.
"Sounds good," Jay said, walking towards the small bar area they had set up. "Whiskey or tequila?"
"Surprise me."
Hailey turned around to get another glass, being more mindful of the cabinet this time. Everything about this case angered her, but she didn't know what hurt more, the innocent workers at the plant, the little boy losing his only family, all of it? It was cases like these that hurt the most, where she watched people's lives be ripped to shreds all because some dude in power could make it happen to save his own ass.
"Here," Jay said, sliding her back a glass with what she could see was tequila.
"Thank you," she replied, taking a sip before deciding to hell with it and throwing the whole thing back.
To his credit, Jay said nothing, just filled her glass again. She opted to sip it this round, not in the mood to get drunk tonight.
"Wanna talk about it?" Jay asked. She started to shake her head before stopping herself. A little voice inside her told her to be honest about it all, that maybe this would be the step forward they needed. She never had a problem with telling Jay her problems before, so what's stopping her now, especially when it involved him.
"I keep thinking about that little boy," she said softly, looking up to find him watching her. "His entire life was torn to shreds, all because that dick was trying to cover his ass."
"It sucks," Jay agreed. "The best we can do is try to not let it happen in the future."
"But what if we can't? What if there is never an outcome where kids like him are spared, where the system does right by them for once?"
"We try our best," Jay repeated. "We go home, talk about it and think about the people who are safe."
Jay was right. Their line of work existed in so much grey area that it was so hard to tell what was right and wrong, where the boundaries lie. Even in the short amount of time Hailey had been in Intelligence, she saw where the lines blurred, and it was becoming harder to figure out the best thing to do.
"But something tells me that's not all that's upsetting you."
Jay's words cut to her soul, like a knife in the heart. He knew her so well, and just like he couldn't lie to her, she couldn't lie to him.
"It's been a year," she whispered, not needing to elaborate anymore.
"I know," he replied.
"Why?"
That was the question that seemed to hang over their heads. The need for answers was getting stronger as the what if's plagued her mind. She'd heard the stories, but she never thought it would be this hard.
"I don't know babe," Jay told her.
"We see so much pain, so much hurt, and the one time I want to do some good for you, for us, and it's impossible!"
She could feel the tears sliding down her cheeks, despite the urge to not break down and cry. This was never what she imagined, hell if her life had gone anything like she'd hoped, Jay would still be sleeping with her in their bed and she would be holding a baby that looks just like him in her arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Before she could say anything else, she felt Jay's arms wrap around her, pulling her in tight as she cried, for them, for her, for everything that was so wrong and messed up that it wasn't letting her see straight. Hailey heard the whispered words Jay was speaking, his own attempt to help her, to give her some encouragement that it would all work itself out, that it would all be okay, but there was still that voice that was telling her something was wrong.
"What if it's me?"
"Hey," Jay said sharply, but not in a way that made her flinch. His hands moved to reach her face, tilting it upwards so she could see him through the tears in her eyes.
"There is nothing wrong with you, Hailey Halstead. You will be an amazing mother, and I will make damn sure that you have a chance to be one, okay? But it's late, and we're both exhausted, and this conversation isn't over but we need to sleep. When things die down, we will figure it out, okay?"
Hailey just nodded before tucking herself into Jay once more. The exhaustion he was referencing hit her then and before she could realize what was happening, she felt weightless as Jay picked her up. She just held on, letting Jay carry her to their room and tuck her into bed. As her eyes slid shut and she felt herself fall asleep, she felt his lips on her forehead, the whispered "I love you" and realized something that was confirmed when she woke up in the morning.
He never left.
"You good?" Jay asked as the walking into their house.
"Right as rain," she replied, rolling her eyes at him.
"Babe I had to drag you out of there, before you got drunker or punched Adam" he said. "And luckily you didn't say anything dumb."
"Like what?"
"Like maybe the fact we're married?"
"Hmm," she thought. "That is true. Still thought about punching Adam."
"Glad you didn't though," Jay replied, taking her jacket from her and hanging both of theirs up. The keys got tossed back into the bowl by the door as he kicked off his boots.
"I'm not sure why I did it," she mused, fumbling around in the refrigerator for another beer. "Cover his ass, I mean."
"Because we don't need any more problems?"
"True," she said, pointing her finger to emphasize her point. "You sleeping with me again tonight?"
That was the question of the hour, or the month, to Hailey. Ever since she broke down a few weeks back, Jay was finding his way back into their bed. Somedays she went to bed with him beside her, others she went to bed alone. It all seemed to depend on the emotions of the day, and this one was no exception.
"I guess I do know why I did it," Hailey said, completely forgetting her question and circling back in the conversation.
"Yeah?" Jay asked, finally grabbing his own beer.
"I can't blame him for why he did it," she said, looking up at Jay who was standing in front of her, leaning on the island like she was. "For what I said."
"What are you talking about?"
She was suddenly sober, or as much as she could be given the amount she drank tonight coupled with the emotions running through her.
"After we arrested Andre," she began. "We're talking to him and he was willing to let us arrest her, to charge her. He told us we we're doing him a favor."
"Favor for what?"
"Hell if I know," Hailey continued. "I may have said something, he may have called me a bitch and that's when Adam shoved and punched him. He was defending me."
"Not that you need it," he said, smirking at her. Hailey just smiled back before nodding slightly.
"It took me back," she whispered, knowing she didn't need to elaborate for Jay. "I guess I did it more for me, because I understand why, even if I don't agree with it."
"Adam's a little rough around the edges," Jay told her. "Grew up in Canaryville too, so I get it."
Hailey just nodded as she took another sip, looking back at Jay who was the closest he'd been in a long time, or so it seemed.
"What's with you Canaryville boys?" she said, smiling up at him while shaking her head. "Thinking you're all tough and mighty."
"Cause we are," Jay shot back, realizing Hailey was flirting with him and riling him up.
"You keep telling yourself that," she said.
She lost track of how long they stared at each other, almost like they were waiting to see who would break. She could feel her own resolve breaking, knew that he would end up in bed with her one way or another. Part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind and act on every impulse her body had, to let herself forget everything, even if just for tonight. There were still conversations to be had and things to be done, but for now, all she wanted was her husband.
Jay must have known where she was going with this because before she could make a move, his lips were on hers, bruising, unapologetic and every bit loving as Hailey would expect. Her free hand wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer while tangling her fingers in the short hairs at the nape of his neck. She felt Jay's own arm wrap around her waist, pulling her flush against him.
Part of this all felt familiar, so familiar as it should be, but the other part was different, like this was some suggestive fantasy that was forbidden to them. The excitement in that alone had her turned on even more than she thought possible.
At some point, she didn't know when, her beer disappeared and before she could process much else, her feet were no longer on the ground as Jay lifted her up. She felt her ass hit the counter and her hands moved to his flannel, unbuttoning it with such practiced ease while Jay's own hands snuck under her top, warm fingertips skimming her waist.
"Babe," Jay whispered.
"Not now," she replied, her lips finding his again. She pushed his shirt off his shoulders, letting herself shameless feel every crevice of his upper body. It had been too long since she touched him like this, and once again, the familiar yet different feeling returned in the best way.
Everything seemed to pick up: her shirt coming off and Jay's fingers skillfully unclasping her bra while she reached for his belt. The sudden mission of hers came to a halt as she felt his mouth nipping and sucking all over her chest, her head rolling back as the sensations overwhelmed her.
"Fuck," she whispered, the pleasure coursing through her to the one place he hadn't yet touched. If Jay kept this up, she thought, she was going to come from that alone.
"Hey!" Hailey yelled as his mouth left her body. She looked up at him, the sight of him shirtless in only his jeans, standing between her legs should have been obscene. The way his eyes were darker, filled with nothing but want as his tongue escaped his mouth to lick his lips did things to her. Jay didn't say anything as he grabbed her thighs, pulling her closer to the edge of the island before slowly moving towards her. She got the message, learning back until her bare back met the wood of the countertop.
Jay's mouth found her body again, his hands moving quickly to unbutton her jeans. Every single thing felt multiplied, as if this was the first time for them, yet the familiarity of their bodies sent them into autopilot, knowing exactly what to do and where to make the other experience every single pleasure.
It didn't take long before she was screaming from Jay's mouth on her and his fingers inside. Hailey had no doubt that she left marks on his upper body, considering that was the only thing she had to grab onto, but it worked in her favor, using the grip she had on him to pull him away and kiss him once more, not caring she could taste herself on his lips.
"Bedroom?" she asked, feeling him and needing to go for round two.
"Hell yes," he replied, his hands on her ass as he lifted her naked body to be flush against his own. It was Hailey's turn now, kissing the spot on his neck she knew drove him wild as he stumbled towards their bedroom, only letting go to throw her gently onto the bed, before continuing what they started in the kitchen.
The last thing that went through her mind that night was the fact she would once again wake up with Jay beside her, the only way it should be, and that was enough to make her believe that they could get through this, that they would get through this, and the normalcy she craved would return, hopefully better than it was before.
"Hailey?"
She heard Jay come in and yell out for her but she knew he would figure it out eventually when he heard the water running. He may have been only minutes behind her when they left, but she needed a shower after today. She laughed slightly, remembering his words from earlier, the light mood gone as she remembered why he said that.
He heart broke for those kids, and it shattered when she saw the look Jay gave her as he looked up at her after getting the kids out of that camper. Cases with kids hurt more now, and even though they had only dealt with around three since she started in Intelligence, every single one was worse that the last.
"Hey," she heard Jay say. She turned her head, spotting him through the shower door as he leaned against the door frame.
"Hi," she replied. Her eyes didn't leave him, watching as he silently undressed. It was an unasked question, one where the answer would always be yes.
She was rinsing the conditioner out of her hair when she felt the cold air enter the shower as the door opened. Just as soon as it opened, it closed, and she soon felt Jay's presence behind her.
It was quiet as they both went about their business, just content to having the other person beside them. Hailey was silently glad in times like this they decided to get the bigger master shower, among other reasons.
"How are you doing?" Jay asked her, his arms wrapping around her as he pulled her in close. Hailey's hands fell on top of Jay's, the water beating down on them as they just stood there together.
"Why do people do this?" she softly asked. "Why?"
"I don't know," he replied.
"I used to think I could handle these cases, that I could separate personal from work. But now…"
"Now it's harder," Jay answered. Hailey just nodded in response, her head resting against his shoulder.
She felt Jay's fingers trace patters on her lower abdomen, the sensation both calming and unsettling, a sharp reminder of something she wanted but didn't yet have.
"We need to do something, Jay," she said, feeling every wall inside of her crumble as she turned around to face him. "I know our jobs are hard and I understand everything that is at risk but damn it, why us?"
"I don't know Hails," he replied. "But we will figure it out. I promise you that."
She nodded once more, finally getting the courage to do something she should have done long ago.
"Jay?" she asked, looking up at him, her arms looping around his neck.
"I know," he cut her off. "Me too."
"We've both been guilty of it all," she told him. "I never should have said what I said."
"I never should have given you a reason to doubt me."
"So?" she asked.
Jay didn't say anything as he leaned down, his lips finding hers. It was a contrast from the other night, but perfectly fitting for the mood.
"I love you," he mumbled against her lips. "I'm sorry."
"I love you too, and I'm sorry, too."
Jay gave her a small smile, the ones she loved that he only ever gave when they were at home.
"We're quite the pair," she told him, smiling back at him.
"That we are, Mrs. Halstead," he replied, leaning down to kiss her once more. "That we are."
Happy Wednesday! Hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! A little big of lightness before things pick up.
in case anyone (like me) wants to reference the episodes in this chapter, it's 5x02 - 5x05.
Once again, I hope this can bring a little bit of brightness to your days and everyone is well! This is as much of a distraction and pick me up for me as I hope it can be for you all! Until next week!
