Disclaimer: I do not own Good Omens or it's characters.
Chapter 8,
Deep down in the firey pits of hell. A demon raced with all of his might through the crowded halls. He needed to hurry if he was going to get this report in on time. He pushed demons aside, and he jumped over damned souls, and rushed up the royal staircase.
"Halt!" The Anubis guards cried when he got near.
"State your business or die." The guard on the left said.
"Or both." The one on the right said with a devilish grin.
"It's been too long since we had a little bloodlust." It said. The demon lifted the confidential file.
"I was ordered to deliver this report to Lucifer himself." The young demon said.
"Let me check the clipboard." The one on the left said, turning to their little guard post.
"We could take the file and kill him anyways." The one on the right said.
"Something like that would be quite illogical, and a clear waste of time." Left said.
"But wasting time is fun. You never have any fun Left." Right said.
"Only by your standards Right. But you're impulsive and reckless. It's understandable that you don't see what I see." Left stated as he flipped the paper.
"Well, just because you're logical and precise, it doesn't mean that we can't kill him." Right said and Left eyed his companion.
"We are accepting a delivery. He'll be left to Lord Lucifer's fate." Left said and he turned the clipboard around.
"Sign here." Left said. The Demon locked his fingers to ignite their natural hellfire, and signed the paper. He shook the flame down and the Left Anubis looked at it.
"J.S.? That's not really demonic." Right said, looking over Left's shoulder.
"I was called John Smith on earth. I made it one of the most common name up there. Now the humans with that name feel insignificant and others don't believe that's their real name. I decided to change my own name to J.S. when I returned home." The demon explained.
"Still." Right said. Left put the clipboard away and then both Anubis's grabbed the demons arms and they led him to Lucifer. Lucifer was in the viewing room. He liked to keep an eye on his favorite hotspots on earth. Making sure that people were miserable without realizing how much they've fallen. He thought this would help to ease his mind after attemptageddon.
"Is that the report I've ordered?" Lucifer asked when his guards entered the room with the useless deadweight. Lucifer was not currently his full height. When he was at home, he thought it was more practical to reduce himself to enjoy the complex detail of his mansion. But that being said, he was still the tallest and strongest member of Hell.
"It would appear so." Left said.
"Bring it to me." Lucifer said. The demon watched in fear as he was carried closer to the most ruthless king of Hell. The Anubis's dropped the demon to the floor, and the file scattered.
"Oh!" J.S. said when he noticed it. But before he could pick it up, Lucifer grabbed him by the throat.
"Dear, what a lovely little mess. Pollution would be proud." Lucifer said and he lifted the demon into the air.
"I am not proud, however. I happen to find it disrespectful. I allow you to enter my home, and you thank me by throwing the report I want all over the floor? Naughty, naughty boy." Lucifer said and he pinned the demon to the wall. J.S. couldn't speak. Not with Lucifer putting so much pressure on his voice box. It hurt tremendously, even though he didn't need to physically breathe. But he couldn't apologize or argue or try to reason with Lucifer, either. All he could do was dangle at his masters mercy.
"Have you heard the rumor of what happens to us when we die? Not the humans, since obviously heaven and hell so clearly exist. But the kind of death that occurs when a demon is exposed to holy water; or an angel is exposed to hellfire. Have you heard those rumors?" Lucifer asked. The demon shook his head as much as he could, which wasn't much.
"Well, there is a rumor that there is a different place that we go. Not exactly Heaven, not exactly Hell, and not exactly like Purgatory. It's a place where there are no humans, or demons, or angels. They say it's a place where we all become equal again." Lucifer said.
"Some also say that when I kill a demon, they get to go to this unique place where they become equal to humans and angels again. And it's true that I have the power to permanently destroy a demon. But let me tell you something else." Lucifer said. He started to dig his claws deep into the demon, who squeaked in pain. The Lucifer leaned forward.
"I started the rumors." Lucifer whispered and then he crushed the demon. J.S. screamed a noiseless scream, and he crumbled out of Lucifer's hand.
"Oh, I wish you would let us kill him." Right said.
"Right, be quiet." Left said. Lucifer snapped his fingers and the report cleaned itself up and appeared in his hand. He went through it.
"It appears that the traitor Crowley has abandoned without a trace. That is quite frustrating." Lucifer said outloud.
"Why do you care about that loser?" Right said.
"Right." Left criticized.
"Because somehow this loser has found a way to become immune to holy water. And in turn he has taught his angel companion how to survive hellfire. It is quite frustrating because we have not found a way of surviving it, and he has." Lucifer said.
"Well could it be all that time he spent on earth?" Left suggested.
"Possibly, but there is no real proof to support that. According to this file, all he did was corrupt an angel. I have corrupted thousands of angels and I still get burned." Lucifer said.
"At least you don't die." Right said.
"True, but I need to learn what the traitors did to become immune to certain death. Left, since Crowley has abandoned the angel, I want you to put two surveillance officers on this Aziraphale. Right, I want you to return to Crowley's apartment. Try to figure out what his last miracle was. It should help us to discover where he is now hiding." Lucifer said. Left turned towards the door, but apparently Right had another question.
"What are you gonna do, sir?" Right asked.
"Right, when will you learn?" Left asked. Lucifer laughed at them.
"Crime is often fought by the emotions of the right hemisphere. It's quite difficult for it to be involved with the left hemisphere." Lucifer said. The Anubis's have been his guards since his time in Egypt. He just loved the way Egyptians removes the organs from the body. He created them from a single brain, and formed them to look like their gods or death.
"I have been trying to think up a way to convince Adam to start Armageddon. Adam doesn't accept himself as my son, and chooses to live with those pathetic humans who raised him. But maybe the answer isn't to make Adam accept me, but instead to make myself acceptable to Adam." Lucifer said.
"How do you plan to execute that?" Left asked.
"Simple. I tempt Adam's human father. I corrupt him until I can take over his whole body and live within him. And in this way, Adam will see himself as my son. I can influence him to start Armageddon that way." Lucifer said and the Anubis's smiled at each other.
"Now go do your assignments. We have some important work to do." Lucifer said. They left and he turned back to his multiple tv screens. He clicked a button and all the images filled with videos of Arthur Young's life.
"Now what's your weakness, you bland organism?" Lucifer whispered to himself.
