A.N. Okay so here begins chapter 4, hopefully you are all enjoying this monster as much as I have had fun writing it. I hope the writing is easy to follow but not too boring. I have a tendency to babble usually so I'm trying to trim down on that and keep the chapters flowing with relative ease.
UPDATE: So… I realized I'd messed up the dates and had to fix them. Sorry for the repost of like…. ALL of the chapters… Please forgive me…
Disclaimer: I do not own "The Vision of Escaflowne" nor any of the characters therein. I am merely writing this for my own enjoyment.
XX
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer."
-Author Unknown
XX
Chapter 4: Unanswerable Questions
XX
September 12, 1996
Gaea
XX
The halls were too quiet. The whisper of her track shorts as she crept through the corridor seemed more of a scream and made her heart race in her chest. She was shaking a bit from her nerves which irritated her to no end, but she couldn't deny that she was fearful of being caught. It was rather ironic and pitiful actually. She had survived a war; being brought to a completely new planet that only she could see by a blue beam of light that may or may not turn out to be a dream in the end if she woke up in the nurses office again, lived through the turmoil and chaos of this planet's history and aided in creating it, solved the mystery of Atlantis, fell in love, helped end a crazed man's tyranny and after all that she was terrified of getting caught sneaking into her boyfriend's room?
Hitomi's cheeks flushed darkly and she paused in her Mission Impossible sneaking to reflect on herself. She wasn't a loose girl by any means. Before this whole mess she hadn't even kissed a boy, much less done something like this, and she was fifteen years old. Sure she'd been too busy with school and track to honestly care much and with the policies and the views most of the school districts had for teen pregnancy and delinquency most of her class was too fearful to test it out. That didn't mean that she didn't know girls her age that had lost their virginity or had had abortions, it was the Twentieth Century after all, these things happened, it was simply not tolerated by most of the school systems.
Students with bad attendance were sometimes asked to leave the school so that the ratings and school numbers didn't suffer from the minority. Pregnancy in teenagers ranked just above that. Abortions were pressured by parents and the school board itself to save face (1). Hitomi had heard enough horror stories to steer clear of it. She wasn't stupid, and until now she hadn't been in love, hadn't had the slightest inclination of breaking those rules or even why she would want to.
Now, she did.
Her blush became worse and she covered her cheeks with her hands to ward off her own embarrassment. In hind sight, this must look really bad… She swallowed and stared at her socked toes, which in turn gave her a full view of her legs.
She supposed they were attractive she'd never given it much thought beyond the fact that they were toned, and her thighs were a bit thicker than most girl's her age but it came with the territory. Recently she'd found herself wondering how Van saw her. Was she attractive to him? Did he want her in that way? She didn't ponder these things because she was ready to jump into bed with him for none sleeping reasons, she simply wasn't ready to do anything but think about it at the moment. Even now, she was only intending to sleep by his side which had become their habit as of late, but still she couldn't deny that part of the thrill in their little habit was the fact that they could do more if they wanted. It was thrilling and also comforting when it didn't occur. It made things a little complicated and probably spurred this guilty apprehension that she was currently dealing with but over all she felt it was well worth it.
Figures I'd psyche myself out over a relationship that isn't even sexual… Hitomi felt her nerves sing and her heart flutter a bit as she reclined against the cold stone wall, the chill seeping in through the soft cotton of her T-shirt, …yet.
Jerking her eyes back up she felt her cheeks positively ache and she shook her head sharply. What am I thinking! How could I possibly even think of that?! Her fisted hands pulled up to her chest and nervous fingers gripped the cloth that covered her pendant. I'm—I'm not that kind of girl! I… I'm going home soon, and Van needs to rule his kingdom. He's expected to follow the social norms and expectations of this world, casual sex seems frowned upon here and as a king he'll be held to them more strictly and that will mean marrying a princess to ensure lineage… and… The heat in her cheeks faded as the tension bled away with that sobering thought and she slumped, hands falling to cross behind her. That's right… our time together… is limited.
Hitomi frowned and scuffed her toes against the ground. I already knew this… She reminded herself, well aware that she was doing nothing but picking at the edges of an old scab, but she was still unable to stop.
It was an itch, this knowledge that soon she would not be able to see Van; to hold him, talk to him, smell him, and call out to him at any point in the day and receive an answer. Soon whole planets would separate them, just as her tarot cards had predicted and the likely hood of them ever meeting again was slim-to-none, leaving the chances of her 'happily ever after' infinitesimal. There would be no going back, and the first and possibly greatest love of her life would be lost to her.
But she already knew all of that!
Hitomi bit her lip and tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling. She had known this before even starting, it was this thought that made her creep back to his bed every night. Sure he chased away the fear and anxiousness, and it was comforting to feel him near her and to hear his heart beating, but truthfully, she kept going back to him because she was becoming increasingly aware of their diminishing time together and she didn't want to regret anything.
That included sex.
Teachers, mothers, fathers, everyone always spouted off about how a girl's virginity was the one thing she could only give once and she should only give it to someone she loves; that it should be special and memorable, and most importantly, un-regrettable. Well, as far as Hitomi could see, all of those things applied to Van, and if she was ever going to give herself away, it would be to him. If they had unlimited time she guessed she might not have even thought of this at all, but they did have time restraints, and the pressure of 'now-or-never' was eating her alive. Still, she didn't want to rush it either, so she satisfied herself with being close to him, sleeping beside him and memorizing all that she could.
It had been enough until she had been left behind in Fried with Merle and Millerna for the last few weeks and suddenly she felt unbearably lonely. Even now with everyone's return, she felt bereft. She was only seven doors down from Van's room, she saw him just that evening and at dinner, really that should have been close enough, but it wasn't. She didn't want to complain, seeing as how Merle was nearly twelve doors away from her beloved Lord Van and she wasn't whining… much.
I just… I can't sleep without him… It was mildly mortifying to realize that particular truth as it was an odd conglomeration of her tension, fears, and uncertainties that made up her insomnia, but it really did all tie back to not sleeping by his side. She'd come to accept that while ago, but as the numerous large scale battles broke out and Millerna and Merle managed to convince both Van and herself that she was safer in the newly liberated Fried, she had to realize just how accustomed she'd become to their sleeping arrangements.
She had admitted to being foolish and stubborn in her need to support Van and stay by his side until the very end of it all, and while she managed to do that from a distance, it didn't diminish the feeling she had to run to his side. On the bright side, Hitomi thought with a very small smile, I know how our link works now.
Closing her eyes Hitomi searched for that part in her that felt Van. She wasn't all that surprised not to find it functioning. She could only really feel it when they were separated, but she knew it was still there, could feel it in her bones; thrumming through her veins, and resting warm in her heart. She would believe that in some manner she would always be connected to Van even if it would never be substantial enough to be completely satisfying. Still, it was something.
Their mental link only seemed to work when they were separated by a substantial distance and was amplified by deep, strong emotions. She was slightly disappointed to find that since that first time when she had received Van's thoughts during the battle before she'd left Gaea, had not reoccurred. No words, thoughts, or ideas were really clear between them, but she could feel him; his emotions, whether he was in physical, mental, or emotional pain and she could tell the difference between each, and she was aware that she could send hers back in a sort of 'response'. Again, not nearly enough, but it was better than what most had. And now that I can separate what feelings are his and which are mine…
Hitomi smiled and opened her eyes to the still dark and silent hall. They may be separating physically, and that pressure of decision still rested above her head, but it was comforting to know he would be with her in some way regardless. Still, comforting or not, she didn't want to miss Van when he was still so near.
Hitomi glanced casually down the halls to be certain that no one had come. Continuing to loiter in the hall wouldn't be compromising to Van, but going to his room in the middle of the night might just be, and she wasn't intending to stop here.
The halls were as empty and dead as ever. Smiling, Hitomi resumed her silent sneak, horrible over the top soundtracks playing through her mind until she was just before Van's door. Her heart fluttered once more and stilled her hand just as her knuckles were poised to knock.
What if he's asleep?
Hitomi paused at that thought.
Van, Allen, and the rest of the Crusade had only just returned from the latest battle in a small area Hitomi didn't recognize but from Van's reaction, must have been close to the ruins of Fanelia. Chid and Millerna had, with the help of Dryden, been searching for the residents of Fanelia in hopes to bring them back to the ruins to begin reconstruction. If there were battles still going on in the area it was more than a useless endeavor, so these battles were important. Hitomi knew that, so she hadn't said anything when Van had left on Escaflowne for that battle with the exception of giving him a hug and wishing him good luck.
Okay so her exact words had been, "I believe in you," but it had the same meaning behind it. This battle had been harsh seeing as the rebel factions had truly believed that they were right and just. It wasn't a suppression as they had all believed so much as an all-out battle, and for a while everyone was touch and go.
Hitomi was pretty certain Van hadn't slept at all.
It was nearly three days without sleep, and a week without any proper sleep to begin with, she wouldn't be surprised to find that Van had passed out the minute he had gone up to his room, and she didn't want to be the one to deny him more of the much needed rest.
I shouldn't be so selfish… he's just down the hall…
Her hand lowered and pulled away from the door before her and Hitomi let out a breath of air willing herself to let it go. She should return to her room and try to sleep. She could see him in the morning. That would be enough, right?
The door opened suddenly with enough force that her shirt buffeted out and around her. Hitomi jumped a bit, eyes jerking up to find Van in the doorway eyes widening from his usual glare, shirtless, with his hand on his sword hilt. It was clear he had sensed someone outside the room and slipped into battle mode without thought.
Wow… memo to self, never startle Van. Hitomi thought dazedly as her eyes roamed over the expanse of flesh on parade.
Van wasn't buff by any means. He was a little gangly, but defined, scrawny but toned, and his chest looked good regardless of the sharp angles of his clavicle. Still, she had seen Van without his shirt several times before, but he was either flying which, of course had her attention snared by his wings, or he was covered in blood and there was no time to admire his half naked form. Now, there really was no reason not to. So needless to say she took the opportunity to gawk despite the heat that burned her cheeks.
He looks good… why didn't I notice it before?
"Uh… Hitomi?" Van stretched her name out into a question and when she lifted her eyes from his torso to his face she was fairly certain she could see a small smirk forming on his lips.
Her face burned and she straightened up a little shocked. "Van!" they both winced when her voice came out louder than either would have liked. Both took a moment to look up and down the corridor. When none of Chid's guards came running nor any of their rather nosy friends arrived to check on them, Hitomi gave him a sheepish grin, shrugging. "Sorry."
Van shook his head and pulled back from the door offering her room to enter. She could tell that the room was unlit, the curtains drawn open allowing the glow of the two moons to illuminate it instead. Looking into the dim bedroom, her nerves returned. This wasn't a tent in the middle of other tents. This wasn't a makeshift bedroll in the woods. This was a bedroom, with private walls and a lush comfortable bed.
"Hitomi?" His voice now sounded uncertain and glancing up she noticed he was looking away from her and a little hunched, as though wondering if he had made the right decision.
He's… just as confused as I am. It made her smile and Hitomi stepped into the room completely and moved toward the large bed.
"Sorry for intruding so late…" She began only to trail off as she took note of the discarded shirt on the chair nearest the window. His boots lay beneath the desk, flopped and toppled in a casual manner that reminded her of her own sneakers and her school uniform that she'd left draped over the chair in her room to prevent wrinkles. For some reason seeing Van's clothes in a neat disarray like her own was infinitely intimate and she found herself stuttering. "I just… I couldn't… I mean…" Hitomi swallowed and licked her lips running her fingers through her short hair and tucking the longer stands behind her ears. "Van, I—"
Movement and the shifting of cloth brought her attention up in time to see the dark-haired teen already crawling into the bed, his pants still on, shirt and foot wear missing. Watching him, Hitomi was uncertain what to think. "Uh… Van?"
He stilled, seated on the bed, just beyond the center and held up the blankets toward her. His brown eyes were kind, warm, just like the endearing blush staining his cheeks. "You couldn't sleep, right?"
A soft movement in his wrist made the bedding shift again and caused a relieved grin to break out on her face. Her reaction made Van's lips curl up in a near smile and his confidence seemed to increase as he settled further into the bed and gave the sheets and impatient shake.
"Come on, Hitomi, its getting cold." His tone was ever the snooty, spoiled prince, but she was never so pleased to hear its arrogant lilt.
"Hmph." She snorted but climbed up into the soft bedding. The sheets were crisp and cool, proof that Van had not been in them before she had alerted him. She snuggled down as Van's warm arm tucked the sheets around her shoulders before sliding down to join her. He hesitated only a moment before slipping his arm under her and pulling her until her head rested on his chest. The immediate calm that came with his smell, the thrum of his heart next to her ear, and the warmth of his body made Hitomi sigh and relax like a boneless heap. "I missed you."
Van relaxed at her words and she felt his chest expand as he breathed deeply and then she felt his fingers gently brush through her hair; tentatively, slowly, lovingly. "Me too."
Hitomi smiled and nuzzled close enjoying the moment for as long as she could before her limbs had grown heavy and her eyes were hard to keep open. Sleep was beckoning her and she would gladly follow its lead but first she wanted one last reassurance. Leaning up, shifting from his grasp and eliciting a sleepy, "Hitomi?" She leaned over Van until his face was shadowed by her presence. Brown eyes widened, sleep promptly erased and Hitomi nearly lost her nerve.
It was his glance to her mouth, the small fidgeting movement that gave away his nerves that pushed her forward, and just like that, she was kissing him; chastely, gently. His lips molded to her own inexperienced ones and they remained that way for several moments. Arms gently holding, fingers tracing features, lips shifting pressing and nibbling, and then Hitomi pulled back just enough to talk, her lips grazing his own in teasing caresses that made both of them shiver. "Welcome back, Van."
His whole body tensed and suddenly she was crushed against and half under him. He didn't do anything more than hold her, his head buried in her neck and shoulder, but the emotions were clear from the minute tremble to his body. "I… I'm back… Hitomi."
Hitomi held him a while longer wishing that they were already in Fanelia if only so that she could welcome him home and not simply back from the battlefield, but for the moment it was enough.
Several soft kisses were shared, many pressed to temples and shoulders and cheeks, anyplace they could easily reach without ending their embrace, but it remained emotionally charged but chaste. Eventually the kisses slowed, and her hand rubbed his back gently and before long, Van gave in to his exhaustion. When his breath evened out, his body lax in sleep, Hitomi pulled even closer, counting his heart beats and measuring his breath. She wouldn't forget this, she wouldn't miss a single moment, and when she was alone in her own world she would recall this and remember what it felt like to love someone completely.
She didn't know when she drifted off as well.
XX
Eighteenth Day of the Ninth Month
Seventh Year of Carusfatum
XX
Her sleeping face had not changed. Allen was remarkably surprised by that fact and couldn't help but sneak into his little sister's sleeping quarters and watch her while she rested. She still tended to rest on her left side, hand still curled close to her mouth, lips parted with a light hiss of her breath as she breathed. Celena really had not changed in this aspect since she was a four year old begging to share his bed because of the monsters under hers.
A soft smile lifted his lips and pushed away the last of his lingering irritation. Three days, the brat had remained in the bathroom for three whole days before she had finally relented and come down for food. By that time he had already arrived at Pallas, picked up both Millerna and Chid, restocked supplies and had caught the tailwind toward Fanelia.
He'd thought for sure she'd have caved when they arrived in Pallas and he could have left her in the care of Erise and Dryden, but he had been proven wrong. Celena was too stubborn by half, and far too smart on top of that. Millerna had indulged in a good laugh at his expense and Chid had thankfully kept his silence. He could have turned around but considering the expeditious nature of this journey, it was inadvisable. Now their party were mere hours from Fanelia; she had of course gotten her way and he really couldn't be mad at her anymore.
Her hair was growing long again, but from the comments she'd been making, Allen feared she might just cut it when he wasn't looking. Yet another thing he could blame Van for. Celena had asked once what the young King liked in a woman, and of course, Van had described Hitomi, that had included her short, boyish haircut. Celena had nearly cut her hair that day, luckily Merle had managed to stop her, but he wondered how long his little sister would continue to wait, especially now that they were returning to Fanelia.
His fingers ran through her bangs and recalled another stubborn girl whom he had felt much the same for. Hitomi had been a blessing in his life over all. She had been the replacement for his sister at first, being the right age and being so lost that he hoped that in some way, by helping this lost girl, somehow he could hope that someone had been kind enough to do the same for Celena. So, yes, in the beginning Hitomi had been his hope for his sister, and at some point that affection had been twisted and he'd been professing his love and attempting to marry her.
If he really thought about it, even then he'd been seeing the shadow of Celena in Hitomi; if he could keep her safe and by his side, then he could make up for losing his sister. It was a way of atoning, and perhaps in a sick, twisted way it was also a way of being closer to his father. Hitomi's grandmother had been the one to meet with his father and subsequently tore his family apart. He'd mistakenly thought that maybe if he kept Hitomi by his side, it would right the damage that was done.
He'd been partially correct.
Hitomi had, in a way, returned his sister to him, and helped him to understand his father better. To discover that he had not been abandoned by his father, that his father had loved him and realized his mistakes had been renewing. However, he had been incorrect in his reasons for wanting to keep her. In much the way Celena rebelled now, Hitomi had refused to be caged, and she refused to be dependent on him and that had been unendingly frustrating.
In short, he'd loved Hitomi like an overbearing older brother, not as a lover. It had taken her departure and subsequent refusal to wake him up. He was not in love with Hitomi. He never had been. And she had never been in love with him. He was fairly certain now, thinking back over their journey, that Hitomi had always been in love with Van.
The number of times she risked her life to save him, the manner in which she neglected her own health and needs to ensure Van was found/okay/would live said it quite plainly. And if her were honest, he'd reacted poorly not out of jealousy, but because he felt Van didn't deserve that kind of devotion. He'd been wrong in that regard as well, but in his defense, Van was young, reckless and so desperate to prove himself he put Hitomi in unnecessary danger almost constantly.
And she had still chosen Van. Allen smiled and shook his head, amused at his own hubris and childishness. He'd accepted their relationship long before she'd been sent home; respected it even…
Still wasn't prepared for Van's public displays though…
Allen removed his hand when Celena let out a breathy sigh and rolled a bit in her sleep, incoherent mutters escaping from her mouth as she resettled.
It had been a bad shock, both to his pride and his morals when he'd spotted Van and Hitomi curled together in sleep that first night after Zaibach's defeat. Hitomi had looked peaceful and innocent, and despite his initial reaction and automatic glare at the King for being so reckless, really he doubted Van would have dared to try anything untoward with the girl. All the same, the improperness of the moment had rankled deep and his need to protect Hitomi and her virtue had been strong.
Amazingly enough it was during those last few weeks with her that he came to terms with his true intentions regarding her. It was clear Van loved her as a woman, his gaze followed her with an intensity that Allen knew was anything but innocent, and he protected her, but allowed her to follow, to remain at his side regardless of the danger. Allen couldn't let that happen, couldn't respect her enough to, and didn't feel lust for her. Hitomi was something to put in a glass bubble and place in a safe place. That was not romantic love; it was not how he had felt for Marlene, it was how he felt about Celena.
"… I really thought that it would be enough." He smiled to himself and shook his head. "I was such a fool." The glow of the moons eased in from the window and he watched the blue orb with a soft expression. "I hope to meet you again, Hitomi, this time with my feelings unclouded." His voice was stable and deep with emotions and Celena shifted in her sleep once more because of it.
Allen froze, not even daring to breathe until his sister had resettled into sleep. Celena had taken to loudly vocalizing her displeasure with him coddling her. She had also developed a penchant to throwing things at him until he'd left the room. Sure, he was aware that he was being a bit oppressive but he simply couldn't lighten up, he wasn't ready to let go yet. The fact that his sister hadn't requested to move out or to stay with Millerna was a sign to him that she understood and was in turn humoring him. He also chose to believe that she wasn't ready to leave either, however, Celena was turning twenty-two this year, and he could not put off her future forever.
She already showed interest in men—Van most notably—and would want to start her own family he was sure. That would require him to lighten up and start looking for appropriate, suitable suitors for her. His head hurt at the mere idea and his mouth pulled into an automatic scowl.
Celena's nose scrunched and she muttered something pulling the blankets up to her chin and Allen's expression smoothed out.
I wish you could have known Celena better, Hitomi.
He had expected Van to have brought her back by now, if anyone could bring Hitomi back to Gaea, to bring her back and convince her to stay, it would have been Van, but there had been nothing but silence. In that silence no one had dared to ask why, and Allen couldn't think of a reason.
Of course, his track record for understanding women was rather abysmal in hindsight.
Hitomi and Van had been very close before her departure. It seemed logical that they would come together. But they hadn't and now, with the arrival of an unknown, Allen couldn't stop worrying that this was a bad omen.
Allen had been remembering the stories told by Folken about the power that Dornkirk had brought with him from the Mystic Moon, not to mention the amazing feats that Hitomi managed at such a young age, the Mystic Moon could be too much for any of them to handle or comprehend. Two visitors from there had altered the course of history on Gaea. One for evil one for good.
His eyes lifting to the twin moons, the shadow was creeping back across both orbs, in just a few days-time only half of both moons would be visible. He couldn't help but think of the old wive's tales about the shadow on the cursed mystic moon, despite never before been superstitious.
It was drawing closer to dawn and he knew he'd have to retire soon and Allen released a low breath of sound, eyes focused upon the double moons and sent up a foolish prayer to Asturia's god, and tried not to feel foolish for doing what he had teased both Marlene and Millerna countless times for doing. When all else failed, and things were no longer in one's control, what was left but to raise your wishes to the gods? Fanelia's Celestial Dragon god, Escaflowne, had heard and answered their pleas through the arrival of Hitomi and Van's perseverance. So, perhaps, it would work for him as well.
"Jeture (1), please, watch over us let this be a blessing, not a curse…"
The prayer dissipated on the air and was lost with his passing from the room. Answered or not, Allen felt slightly calmer for that bit of foolishness.
Dawn rose with their arrival to Fanelia.
XX
Tenth Day of the Ninth Month
Seventh Year of Carusfatum
XX
It was the sharp determination in those eyes that first caught Van's attention as he entered the room. For such a young boy, he certainly had an strength of character that was admirable. Then child straightened up and with an air of superiority and demanded Van prove his identity.
"Prove it."
Van was slightly shocked, and for the first time saw the similarity between himself and the boy. He could admit that the kid's hair was much like his own, and the way he carried himself spoke of someone aware of himself and his own importance, which Van could tell would be irritating, but as Hitomi had pointed out all those years ago; he was a prince and arrogance came with the territory. Again that bittersweet daydream floated to him and he could almost imagine that this boy was his and Hitomi's son, but that was simply impossible.
"Huh? What are you talking about! This is Lord Van, what right do you have to question him?!" Merle seethed. "What do you want from him exactly? No one would dare to impersonate Lord Van in his own—"
"Merle." His lifted hand stalled her and broke off the lecture the child didn't really need to hear right now.
"Wha—? But lord Van!"
"Merle, he wants proof. If I were in his position I would want to be certain myself." He met that adamant stare and watched as the kid slowly nodded.
The kid was up and willing to talk, it was the easiest option they had. All of Fanelia and most of Gaea itself, knew that the King of Fanelia was of Draconian descent and though he wasn't comfortable showing his wings blatantly to others, it wasn't such a burden that he would deny this kid the proof he was clearly looking for. That said, how had a child from the Mystic Moon come to know of his wings?
He must know Hitomi.
If this child knew Hitomi well enough to hear about him and his wings, then the child could not be an actual threat; at least not to him personally.
That settled he removed his shirt, ignoring Merle's complaints and kept his eyes locked on the child while he unfurled his wings. It was much the same as when Hitomi had first seen him like this. Eyes wide with amazement and awe; no fear or disgust. In fact, the child looked almost giddy with delight.
"She was right… an angel…" His breathy words were spoken to no one in particular but both Merle and he heard them. Van felt an odd nostalgia for the title he'd only heard from one other person.
The child slowly slipped from the window sill, his socked feet making a soft thumping sound. He was even smaller now that he was standing, and Van began to wonder if the child was really so young or just that short. His words and actions were a bit too clear for a five year old, but Van was no expert on children either.
Slowly, the child approached, eyes locked on his wings. At one point, that focused stare would have made him uncomfortable, but after Hitomi's praise and lingering affection for the appendages, he was able to differentiate between shock and awe, and this boy was definitely awed by his wings. Van was privately amused when the kid continued to move closer to him, small fingers reaching out to touch, as though afraid he was seeing things. Merle on the other hand tensed and seemed ready to stop the approach. Van twitched one wing to get her attention and then slowly shook his head.
Her overprotectiveness was nice, and he was pleased to know he still had family in her, but at the moment her interference could be potentially harmful. Merle's lip pouted out and she crossed her arms, glaring at the small form that had frozen just before his left wing, fingers outstretched but frozen a hair's breathe from the feathers.
The grin faded as fingers curled back toward the palm, and the boy's indecision and worry made Van uneasy. He didn't like the hesitancy in the action, and so he pushed the wing forward until it smacked the boy in the back of the head; enough to startle but not to topple him.
Those multi-colored eyes jumped to his own in shock before an even larger grin broke out this time accompanied by a bright giggle, and those tiny fingers gently carded through the white plumage. It was an odd feeling, not one he was accustomed to by any means but it want painful.
Hitomi had been the only one before to want to pet his wings, and even then she'd only done it a few times before the end. He had to suppress a large shiver and the urge to pull his wing away.
Merle looked like she wasn't sure what to think by the time the little boy had pulled back, eyes shimmering with unshed tears and rubbed at his face until his cheeks were a bright red color.
Van took that as a sign that he had given enough proof and retracted his wings, reaching down for his shirt and pulling it over his head. He felt he'd been more than generous, and now he deserved some answers. Before he could begin question the boy, however, the child bent in a bow and began an odd form of introduction.
"Pardon me; I am very pleased to meet you. I'm called Kanzaki Anil, please take care of me." It was obvious that it was practiced, probably a formality on the Mystic Moon, the word choice was a bit concerning though.
Take care of him? What does that mean?
That thought was fleeting though as the narrative continued into a babble of useless information that Van hardly understood the point of and very nearly ignored entirely.
"My mommy calls me Anil but it's written with the kanji for 'Tenshi' but adds the furigana so it's pronounced as 'Anil'. A lot of people always mess it up though so I get called Kanzaki Tenshi a lot." He paused to breathe and then frowned lower lip poking out. "It's really annoying actually."
"Wait, so you're family name is Kanzaki? As in, like, Kanzaki Hitomi?" Merle cried out her morose disposition relieved suddenly by that bit of news. She was quite pleased with herself and was moving once more and if Van knew her well enough, she was likely to pounce on the smaller being and drag out the information she wanted. Van stalled her movement with his arm.
The boy, Anil, looked up as though they were stupid for not knowing that fact already and very bluntly said. "Yeah."
Nothing more was given to describe the situation and Van had to smile to himself. Anil was quite the character and Van was amused to find he was a lot like himself in many ways. Not wanting to repeat the obvious, being one.
"Lord Van, did you hear that he is related to—" Merle started, once more on the attack and Van again cut her off. Merle could gloat over being right at a later date, right now he just needed answers and, if the kid was as smart as Van was beginning to believe he was, then his early statement was worded purposefully.
"If that is what you are called…" Van stated back to the child and watched as he practically wiggled with glee. "What is your name then?"
So, he was right.
Anil rose to his full stature, which barely came up to Van's hip, and held his head high, chest puffed up with pride and stated, "My name is Anil Van de Fanel."
Cold.
That was the first thing he felt beyond the shock of those words. It was impossible. There was just no way that the child was telling the truth. If he was that only left two options and neither were very good. Hitomi could have named her son after him in remembrance, but she wouldn't be so callous with his last name, and though that would anger him, Van knew that she would never do that. Which left him with only one other option; this was his child. His son and heir! And Hitomi had kept Anil from him on purpose.
No… its impossible…
Hitomi would never keep something this important from him, she would have found some way to let him know that she had his child, she wouldn't, couldn't, have kept this a secret from him for seven years.
But… she was hiding something… she was…
Van felt his stomach turn sour as the facts seemed to become clear. Hitomi had in fact lied to him and kept their child a secret, and he had been played the fool.
That means he's six years old… at least.
Van felt his lips tighten into a severe line as Merle and Anil began to quarrel while he remained quiet. His anger was burning him alive inside and combined with the severe hurt to create an ugly festering emotion that made his hands shake.
Hitomi… how could you? What were you thinking… why? Why!? Damn you! This is… my… my… son…
Of all the things he'd felt for Hitomi and because of her, this, right now, was the worst. He couldn't even describe the feelings festering in his heart, and the betrayal felt nearly as deep as when he'd found Folken working for Zaibach; his older brother had sanctioned the destruction of their home.
"W…what?"
"Anil Van de Fanel." His words made Van flinch again as he watched Anil cross his arms and take on an angry pout that was undeniably a quirk he learned from his mother. Van could clearly remember Hitomi doing the same thing, usually toward him, and the surreal quality of the moment made his head spin. "You asked what my name was, and I told you."
Merle shook her head and pawed at her ears, obviously confused and trying to make sense of the new sensory input. Van really couldn't blame her. He was trying to compute it all and he had all the details of the situation. "Wait, I thought I heard you say—"
"You did! Stop being stupid! Mommy named me after her Angel and that was his name, Van de Fanel!" Anil pointed at him then, "So stop acting like I'm lying, 'cause I'm not!"
"Van..?" Merle was looking to him for answers, and he was ill prepared to give them. What was he supposed to say? That he and Hitomi had indulged in illicit affairs in the months leading to her departure? That she had left with his heart and, apparently, their child and chose not to tell him? That she had just ripped out his heart and shredded it into a bloody pile using their so—their son—and the unsuspecting weapon?
How was he supposed to feel about it all, and how was he expected to react?
On one hand Hitomi had told Anil about him, that much was fact, she had spoken highly of him it would seem if Anil's minor hero-worshiping was anything to go by.
So, why did she hide him from me? Why didn't I know?
Van grit his teeth as the part of his heart that still desperately loved her, tried to absolve her of this crime and make sense of it all. He only managed to return to the glaring fact that he had a son, a six year old that was healthy, strong and perfect. A mix of him and the girl he loved with every fiber of his being, and he never knew.
… at least Hitomi's reaction makes sense now.
He thought testily. Her six-year-old secret, son was whisked away to a world where his ignorant father was. Either she didn't want Van to know and that was why she was scared, or she was frightened because she had no way of knowing Anil would be safe or make it back to her. Which in turn made him feel as though she didn't trust him at all.
Damn it, Hitomi… why?
"I'm not lying… I'm not!" Anil shouted suddenly and jolted Van out of his thoughts to watch as his son—he still wasn't sure how to feel about that—trembled before him his words choking out around obvious tears. Van took a half step forward unconsciously to attempt and comfort the boy. He didn't doubt who he said he was, it was possible and from what he'd seen and thought himself, there was no denying Anil's parentage especially when he suddenly started pulling at his top, "I—I can prove it!"
Merle gasped as one shirt flew off his form only to show a bright red top with some kind of portrait painted upon the cloth. It was impressive but he didn't have much time to really ponder that when it became clear what his son was planning to do.
He… he has wings as well…
A sick, sinking, understanding filled him and he quickly stepped up to stop him. He did not need that proof, and his mother's words and warning was still etched into his mind. It was an unconscious action to placed a sturdy hand upon Anil's head, and shake his head in the negative.
Sad, frightened eyes looked up at him, pleading to be accepted, to be loved, and Van knelt down bringing a comforting smile to his face despite his own mixed up emotions.
He is just as lost as I am.
Just as much a victim as he was from his mother's actions.
"You shouldn't be so reckless." Van intoned gently, still smiling hoping that this would help Anil understand that he wasn't mad at him. Hoping to somehow make a good impression upon his child.
"Is… is it bad here too?" Anil whispered, looking over his shoulder as though waiting for someone to scold him. Van was both shocked a relieved by it. A choking weight lifted to know that Hitomi had respected the sacredness of his ancestry.
You raised him to know my name… to know of this...so why, why didn't you trust me?!
Van really didn't want to think about the possibility of Anil's wings being a liability on the Mystic Moon. He would rather believe that Hitomi was keeping to his customs while raising Anil then just taking precautions. It didn't absolve her for her silence, but it eased some of his pain and gave him a little hope that there was a good explanation for her actions.
He was just too tired, insulted and hurt to think of what that might be right now.
"Not bad," Van began, his hand gently rubbing Anil's shoulder blades until he'd relaxed, "but, it's something…" He paused wondering what would be the best way to describe it so that Anil would understand without feeling ashamed. All he could recall were his mother's words. "…sacred and shouldn't be done without great consideration. You understand?"
Anil looked dazed a moment, shocked and then suddenly he was sobbing and pushing his face into Van's chest hands lifting to wrap around him while he sobbed.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"
Van's throat tightened, and his arms lifted to encircle the boy more out of reflex than anything while his heart did uneasy flip-flops at the title.
Van was unable to do anything but hold Anil for a long while before his mind caught up to the fact that he had his arms full of sobbing six-year-old and he needed to calm him down if he was going to get any answers.
"Anil, what's wrong?" He tried to steady the boy by gripping his shoulders, but all that got him were louder cries and a few more baffling comments as the child's strength wore out and he started acting like the scared little boy that he was.
"Daddy! Daddy, help!"
That was unhelpfully vague, and Van tried once more, giving Anil a very light shake, "Anil, what's wrong? What do you need help with? Anil, talk to me."
Watery eyes looked up at him, pleading the same way that all those orphans had done during the restoration of Fanelia, and Van felt as though he had been struck hard in the gut as Anil gripped his arms and begged him with a voice full of tears and desperation, "Daddy, you have to help!"
Van didn't know how to react. He wasn't used to the idea yet that he was actually a father, that this little being, this person in his arms was a part of himself, and the term of endearment felt heavy and odd in conjunction with him. His momentary lapse in thought caused Anil to choke and grip onto him tighter babbling—it seemed to be a nervous habit in him—in an attempt to make him understand and give him aid.
"Please Daddy, You have to save mommy! Please stop her, she… she's going away and… and… he's not right! We were waiting for you! We waited, why didn't you come Daddy? Why, didn't you want us? Was it me? Did you not want me? Am I bad? I can be better I—"
There was no way he could let Anil finish that sentence. With a sharp pain that was very nearly physical, Van clasped his tiny son to him in a tight hold, most likely crushing the air from his lungs. Van felt the rush of breath that escaped Anil at the action but barely paid it any mind, far too focused on stopping those words.
… it was me… damn it all… it was me…
His words, when they made it out of his too tight throat, were gruff and filled with more emotion than he had expressed in a long while, and he was aware of Merle's wide-eyed silence at his side throughout the interaction, a reminder that when this was finished he'd still have to deal with her. "No, it wasn't that! It was never that, Anil. Never think that ever."
Anil trembled and pushed his face into his shoulder where moist, sticky tears soaked into his skin and hiccupped a little. It wasn't an answer, definitely not one he could translate and so Van tightened his hold just slightly and tried again.
"Anil, it was never your fault, do you understand me?" His tone was the same one he used when the council was being most difficult, and it was probably all wrong for a small child, but it was all he knew. Anil swallowed and nodded his head, seeming to listen to him.
"Y—yes, Daddy…"
"Good boy." Van soothed, loosening his grip enough to awkwardly rub soothing circles into Anil's back, right over his shoulder blades where Van knew from experience, itched on occasion and grew tender. Anil gave a full body shudder and suddenly surged up looping his arms around Van's neck and practically crawling into his lap as he continued to cry.
Harsh wracking coughs jolted that small form as words, garbled and distorted from harsh breathing, tears, and snot, broke out every once in a while assuring Van that the child was no longer in doubt of him, just crying from relief, and reminding him of just how young this child was; young and brave.
A warm pressure filled his chest and he was startled to find that it was pride that filled him. He was proud of his son, hardly older than a toddler and already acting like a man when he needed to.
"I was so—so scared! Daddy! I—I made mommy cry but—and it was bright and—I was so scared! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I found you—I—" Anil managed to get out every few seconds and Van, not sure what he was doing just sat silently, rubbing Anil's back and waiting it out.
His mind was racing, filled with the image he had seen from Hitomi moments before Anil's arrival, knowing that Hitomi had probably been screaming and sobbing alone out there worried for their son, and all the while he knew he couldn't do anything.
He couldn't even answer his son's pleas and go to rescue his mother from whatever it was he felt threatened her, because Hitomi wasn't asking for his help, all he could feel was the justifiable fear for Anil and he still couldn't leave Fanelia to run off to the Mystic Moon. Duty bound him and kept him trapped.
It didn't help that he also felt raw and angry at Hitomi, despite having a hunch that he too was responsible to some degree, for this. He wasn't ready to let go of his resentment yet, and he was drowning in all the revelations.
Van felt the need to fight, to run and protect and live up to the image his son clearly had of him, but he just couldn't and that was frustrating.
Van was brought from his thoughts when Anil suddenly slumped completely limp against him. Startled, Van tensed up and instinctively cradled the child close to keep him from dropping. "Anil?"
His panic was subdued by the even rise and fall of Anil's chest, and despite the red and swollen skin around his nose and mouth, and the tear tracks staining his cheeks, it was clear the child had only dropped off to sleep.
"Lord Van?" Merle asked tentatively, walking up to his side, her furred hand a warm pressure on his shoulder. It was nice, grounding even, the only reality in this chaos. He sighed and slowly looked up to meet concerned blue. Her eyes seemed to shift between him and Anil constantly, and he knew without words what she wanted to ask. He could well imagine the turmoil she was feeling. If Anil was telling the truth, then Van's honor, as well as Hitomi's virtue were tarnished. They had not been married or even engaged and they had brought a child into the world; a bastard heir to the throne of Fanelia.
As if things weren't already a mess.
Swallowing his own nerves, Van shifted his son until he held his slight weight in one arm, much as he'd done upon Anil's initial arrival to Gaea, and raised his other hand to swiftly squeeze the hand upon his shoulder. The unspoken reassurance made her lips thin and her eyes harden in a protective manner that he'd long ago learned to mean that she was going to support him and if that meant taking down all of Gaea in the process then she'd do it.
"Hitomi?" She asked, her eyes straying back to Anil and Van smiled bitterly.
Who else do I know from the Mystic Moon well enough to ruin my reputation by sleeping with them?
Van thought, and suddenly he was back in Fried, seven years ago, he was young and slightly intoxicated. The war was over and he was lost and there she was; warm, welcoming, teasing. He drowned in her scent, her skin, her warmth and love, it was all so new and exciting, and all the while the sounds of the celebration rose from below the floor. Embarrassment was close behind but it was worth it to both of them, and then...
"Four years…"
The promise echoed back to him mockingly leaving a sour taste in his mouth as he gazed down upon the price of that broken promise.
She waited for me…
Van closed his eyes against his self-doubt and stood, cradling Anil to him and moved slowly back to his bed.
Easing Anil back into the comfort of down sheets and pillows, Van tucked him safely away in a cocoon of bedding as though that would protect him from the broken vows and thoughtless actions of his parents. Anil snuffled once and cuddled deeper into the down, and Van ran his fingers gently over messy black hair; his messy black hair and accepted the situation.
I have a son. I am a father. And my child has asked me to save his mother. Van nodded to himself accepting that burden. I'll have to ask Millerna and Chid what can be done as a ruler, and Allen what can be done as a warrior.
It was the best he could do.
"Van?"
"Yes, Merle." He answered, voice and mind steadier than they had been previously as plans began to form and actions became clear to him. He felt more in control, even if it was only by a slight margin; it was a start. "This is…" He paused, just long enough to swallow once, "Hitomi's child."
And mine.
The silence was disturbed only by the sounds of the wind outside and added an odd sort of dissonance with the mood, but it was somehow appropriate as it reminded Van of the weeks he had spent as Hitomi's lover, the weeks that had ultimately culminated in this moment, where he looked down upon a child that was half of himself.
"This… is Fanelia's Prince."
XX
A.N. Hope you enjoyed, sorry Van got all introvert on us but he had a lot to take in and well, I know I'd be a bit shocked to find all that out. Hope you enjoyed and PLEASE REVIEW! As always, links and resources are below:
(1)-I picked this little tidbit up from my Japanese Soap Opera, "14-year-old Mother". From watching several animes and soap operas (which I know can often times be exaggerated) I am fairly certain that in japan teen mothers are not offered positions on crappy TV shows. Hence the comment on the school systems.
Asturia's God Link:
www. lizzard Jeture/
(Minus the spaces)
(2) – Jeture is from the Drama CD from the original series. That's what that dragon statue in the series is all about. He is the Sea Dragon God that protects Asturia. The original myth behind him is quite beautiful and sad, sorta like the "Count of Monte Cristo" but without the "happy" ending. In the Drama CD it is mentioned that Millerna made wishes of love to Jeture and that is what I am alluding to here. It is also metioned in the Drama that the Celestial Dragon God, Escaflowne, is the God of Fanelia.
