Chapter 24: Asuka's apology.
The three EVA pilots stood in respectful silence as they switched off their voice modification bowties. As violent as they knew the fellow pilot standing in front of them to be, the evident pain in her panted breaths and the puddle of vodka she had uncontrollably thrown up, told them that what she had to say was serious.
Rei reluctantly looked at Shinji and Mari's worried faces, before reluctantly lowering the barrel of the toy gun she had been pointing at a heaving Asuka.
She was an artificial homunculus, but she was not heartless.
Asuka Langley Soryu may have been a hothead who was not much of the thinking type, but she recognized Rei from the subtle inflections even in her modified voice and Shinji from the innocence in his childlike eyes in spite of his comic-con outfit. Mari. She just guessed that fellow pilots liked to hang together and that an extravagant show-off would want an equally extravagant costume.
"You need to come back to NERV. Right now," Asuka managed eventually to say in between gasps for air in a voice that was surprisingly emotionless considering her earlier state.
"It's an emergency. There's a massive Angel attack on the city and we need to go now. NOW!"
Mari shook her head. The long-awaited phrase "I'm sorry Shinji." Still hadn't come.
Oh well.
"Why should we trust you, Asuka." Rei demanded, still angry even if she was secretly pitying of Asuka's distressed state. "We're taking a day off, and you come and interrupt it. Why don't you just do it yourself? After all, you do claim to have the best piloting skills."
"There's more than one Angel. And they're no ordinary angels. NERV has called all available pilots to action. I tried searching in our apartment, but you weren't there. This is the last place I thought I might find you all. Now we need to go, now."
"No. Asuka. You need to go." Snarled Rei venomously, throwing the toy pistol to the ground and raising a fist. "You've caused Shinji and me enough grief already."
"Rei, calm down." Mari suggested as Rei stopped to take a breath in anger. Even if she wasn't on the best of terms with the German redhead herself, she did acknowledge the need for teamwork and unity if they were to prevent the destruction of the world and their future.
"No. It should be clear to everyone here that Asuka is not to be trusted." Rei retorted as a crowd of costumed partygoers looked on at the spectacle with varied reactions. "You've done nothing but hit Shinji in the face repeatedly. He's nearly killed himself because of how badly you and Misato have treated him over the years."
Asuka did seem to stagger back a little as Rei continued her tirade of righteous fury.
"And are you even bothered?" Rei asked, spreading her arms out wide. "I think you've caused enough trouble as it is, and you need to leave Shinji alone."
"I, I didn't know, I was causing him so much grief." Asuka honestly admitted, looking at the ground.
"So then why do you think Shinji starts trembling every time you come near him, huh? Do you think he wants to make you angry with him? Shinji lived for you, Asuka, and you throw his kindness back in his face. You're just as bad as the Angels and even worse."
By now Rei was gasping for breath herself. Years of being berated by the German redhead had finally broken her.
The crowd was looking disapprovingly at what was once the most popular pilot in NERV. It was clear that every last bit of their validation for Asuka had been shattered by Rei's speech.
"You may think you're some sort of saint Asuka." Rei concluded, causing the crowd to glare even more ferociously at a now trembling Asuka. "But the truth is, you probably did less damage when you were just an ordinary schoolgirl back in Germany."
Asuka looked down at the ground. She was not used to not being the one to take the lead in a confrontation.
"Rei, please" Mari raised a hand to which Rei scowled as she finally ended her ranting. Mari turned to look at her fellow pilot through sympathetic eyes.
When it came to teenagers who had gone through a tough childhood in which it took the skin of their teeth to survive, it took one to know one.
"Look Asuka. We don't hate you. We're angry at what you've done, but we still want to be your friends. We understand that you never had it easy growing up either. Shinji told me about it. But that doesn't excuse what you've done. So please, let me ask you why?"
"What?"
"Why did you do what you did Asuka? Why did you think it was a good idea to abuse Shinji all these years, when he hasn't done anything to you?"
"Err. Err" was all the usually confident German could bring herself to reply.
"Do you do it because you like seeing others in pain?"
"N, No. It's not like that." Asuka chocked out, as her throat began to seize up.
"Do you not like Shinji for some unknown reason you're not sharing with us? Did something he did to you, make you angry?"
"I never did anything to you Asuka." Shinji uncontrollably blurted out. "Never."
"It's not like that." Asuka insisted weakly as she held her hands in front of her face as if to try and defend herself from this cross examination. She swore she could hear Phoenix Wright and Apollo Justice's music playing in the background again.
"Do you do it to feel more powerful?" Mari suggested sternly. "If that's the case, then I think it only makes you more pathetic. The fact that you feel the need to use violence to express yourself, clearly shows me you have no control over yourself. If you want to fight Asuka, there are enough Angels as it is for you to fight all you like. There's no need to take your needless violence on us. We're your friends, or at least, we want to be your friends. And even though we don't like what you've done, we're still more than willing to forgive you if you just stop doing these terrible things."
"Stop punching me Asuka. I don't deserve it. I really don't." Shinji pleaded. And to everyone's surprise, the young boy still dressed in the school uniform and pink hair of Madoka Kaname, began to shout as he punched himself.
He let out a bloodcurdling cry of a lifetime's worth of anguish as he punched himself again making both his fellow pilots and the crowd reel back in pain.
Mari reached out a hand to stop him but he only stepped away as he looked at a now truly shocked and scared Asuka and held out his hands as if he were a starving beggar.
"Everything I did, I did to make you proud." He said through sobs and tears. "Tell me how proud you are Asuka. Tell me. TELL ME!" And then he began to wordlessly bawl as he hit himself for the third time as he dropped to his knees.
"Tell him Asuka. Confess" Ordered Rei seriously as Mari put a shoulder onto the hysterical Shinji. "If you even have a heart, that is."
Asuka took one more pained look at the knelt down, crying Shinji as he shook Mari away from him and gave himself yet another heavy punch to the head.
He was doing her job of punching himself for her, and it hurt just to look.
Every punch he gave to himself, hurt her several times as hard as it hurt him. Self-inflicted beatdowns were the worst thing for anyone to have to watch. Even heartless Asuka had her limits.
Rei was uncontrollably balling a fist when the redhaired pilot finally steadied herself enough to reply.
Her voice was the gentlest and most sincere it had been in her lifetime. Not even when she was talking to her own mother had she been this mild. As welcome a change as it was, it was very jarring.
"I have." She started nervously. "I have always, been proud of you. From the first moment I set eyes on you Shinji, I had never been happier to know anyone. And when I watched you piloting your EVA despite how much you told me you hated piloting, it only made me prouder to call you my fellow pilot. And it was my own pride and ego, that made me selfish. I was unable to accept the fact that someone in this world could be so brave, so kind and so strong. And so, I took it all out on you. Like an idiot."
Asuka paused a moment to catch her breath as Shinji finally stopped hitting himself but did not look up to meet her eyes.
"I kept insisting to myself that I hated you for being better than me, Shinji. But the truth is, I really hated myself. I couldn't take the fact that there was always someone to upstage me, no matter where I went in life. My own mother ignored me. She chose a doll over me, her daughter. I was always nothing more than a second fiddle, always someone better than me to take all the credit. I,"
She paused for dramatic effect and to clear her clenched up throat. She was not used to accepting this kind of responsibility for her actions.
"I'm sorry."
"This isn't a competition Asuka." Mari explained as Shinji dabbed at his face with his sleeves. "I'm not here to compete with you over anything, and neither is Shinji and Rei. We don't want to take anything from you, Asuka. We want to be your friends so we can all have a good time even if our lives are hard.
And as for being a pilot, we don't like it any more than you do. We only do it so that others won't have to. So that one day, we or at least the next generation can live in a peaceful world without Angels."
Mari looked at Shinji, Rei and Asuka and then the crowd of intently listening citizens of Tokyo-3.
"I'm scared as well, Shinji and Rei. And I know that you're scared too, Asuka. And like you, I too joined to please a person very dear to me, or rather two people. I do it for Shinji, who once saved my life when I was very young."
Asuka's put a hand over her mouth. Rei simply smiled knowingly. Mari had told her this story yesterday evening and it was one of the reasons she found it easy to accept that Shinji and Mari were now engaged.
"And for another friend of mine, Kaworu. When he sacrificed himself to becoming a pilot and left me behind, I got tired of waiting for him. And it was then that I made the decision to join NERV.
Saving the world is important to me too, but without Shinji and Kaworu, I never would have had the push to do what I did. I understand you, Asuka."
"I never had a chance to tell my mum that I succeeded in becoming a pilot." Asuka whimpered. "It's not fair."
"Well for what it's worth Asuka. Congratulations on the great job you've done as a pilot. I salute you. Thank you for joining us, me, Shinji and Rei in our missions. We couldn't have succeeded without your help and skills. I know what it's like to lose your parents Asuka. I lost my mum before I was born and my dad before I was ten. And Shinji lost his mum when he was little too and now his dad more or less wants him dead over something, he had no control over. And the sooner I don't talk about Rei, the better. Join the club, Asuka. None of us here have our parents here to love us, but that doesn't mean we have to behave badly towards each other. We orphans should stick together. Because we're all we have." Mari's voice was neither cross nor mean, but completely respectful.
The crowd offered a quiet cheer. Such wisdom. Asuka began to regain a bit of her usual fire.
"I know it might not mean much to you. But I'm sure your mum would have been as proud as I am to see your piloting skills now. We still need your help if we're going to succeed in beating the Angels. We've worked well together so far, why not continue?" Mari continued in a solemn voice. "And once all this is over, we'll be heroes when we go free from NERV. And if we don't live to see that day, we can at least say we died trying. And that for me, is worth it. I for one, would rather go out in a bang of glory than go the quiet and boring way on a bed in a hospital."
"Don't you hate me for what I've done?" Asuka asked, turning to Shinji who she could deduce even through his costume. "Isn't that the reason you left me?"
"No, Asuka. When you're not punching me, I like you. I like that you're so expressive and passionate about everything. I like your brave face which you and you alone can muster." Shinji honestly confessed as Mari and Rei watched him proudly with no bearing of resentment. Forgiveness and the ability to find good qualities in not good people were two of the rarest and most valuable virtues. Shinji's niceness was not just a façade.
Asuka's eyes were beginning to widen as Shinji continued to sing her praises despite his clear resentment for her actions. "I like your hair. And the way you walk. I like everything about you Asuka, but when you keep scaring me, it makes it hard for me to tell you these things. And I really do want us to be good friends. I just, I just want you to be a little more understanding that it's not easy for me either. And to try and help me just a little. I know you can."
"And I want to not have to call child protective services and have you arrested." Rei added, only for Shinji himself to raise a hand in a gesture of peace for her to calm down.
"What we're saying is that you can still change. It's not too late. Just promise you won't make the same mistakes again and we can give you another chance." Shinji stated. "Please Asuka. Do it for me. Do it for all of us."
Asuka looked at them and they looked at her. This was the ultimatum. This was it. She just needed to accept their friendship, and everything would be okay.
But friendship did not come easy to the mistreated girl who had been conditioned her entire life to believe that kindness was a weakness.
It was here that Mari dismissed the crowd of onlookers with a polite wave of her hand. This was a private matter between friends, and she would treat it with respect.
"Please leave us in peace" Shinji ordered kindly.
"Asuka, you have no idea how important you are." Mari began to explain when the last of the crowd had dissipated leaving just the four of them on the asphalt beside the table with the crystal ball on it.
"You have only begun to discover your true power. Join us. Me, Shinji and Rei, and I will complete your training. With our combined power, we can end this destructive conflict and bring balance (not order or chaos, balance) to the world."
"I'll never join you" shouted Asuka, suddenly regaining all of her usual fire. Even if she did regret her past actions against the people, she genuinely considered her equals and her friends, the idea of joining forces with a Mary Poppins look alike with such outlandish mannerisms was still too much for a self-respecting narcissist like her to bear.
"If you only knew the power of friendship." Mari simply continued, as if expecting Asuka to say exactly that. She turned briefly to Shinji and Rei who both gave an approving nod in perfect unison.
Then she turned back to Asuka.
"NERV never told you what happened to your mother. Asuka."
"They told me enough" Asuka snapped back, her fury masking her surprise at this sudden turn of the conversation. "They told me she committed suicide after my dad had an affair with another woman, because it broke her."
"No." Mari corrected, her voice seeming to deepen several tones. "NERV killed your mother so that they could harvest her soul to be used in EVA unit 2. They made it look like a suicide to fool you because they saw the potential you had as a pilot. EVA unit 2, is your mother."
All of a sudden, the fiery passion which had briefly returned to Asuka was replaced with freezing misery. The light seemed to go out of her eyes as her jaw dropped in utter disbelief. She shook her head forcefully.
"No." she pleaded as her three fellow pilots watched on in strained but genuine sympathy. "No. That's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true." Rei nonchalantly insisted.
"No! NO!" Asuka uncontrollably shouted followed by a desperate gasp. It had hurt when she lost her reputation, but now she was losing her self-delusions too. She really had lost everything in her life.
"Asuka. You still have a chance to turn this around. You can still make your mum proud of the person you are." Shinji comfortingly insisted. "Join us. When we beat the Angels and make NERV a better place, we'll be celebrities. Everyone will love us for who we are and what we've been through. But we can't do it without your help Asuka. So please, if you have any sympathy whatsoever for the guy who cooked your meals, cleaned your room, massaged you when you were uncomfortable and sat at your bedside when you were sick, put aside your differences with me and join us."
Asuka's lips began to quaver tensely. It was as if she had something more to say but fear was still blocking her.
"You, me, Rei and Mari. Hanging out as good friends who care for one another. Eating good food, playing fun games and sharing good laughs together. Doesn't it sound good to you Asuka?" Shinji asked in complete sincerity.
Asuka begun to shake as another tear trickled from her left eye. Another display of weakness, but she no longer had the strength to wipe it away especially since she knew Shinji had seen it already.
"I forgive you Asuka. How could I not? You're just like me, like the rest of us. You too have lost someone very dear to you and had to grow up much more quickly than you would have liked. I understand what it's like and I sympathise. And that's why I'm begging you to stop bullying me. You know first-hand what it's like to be kicked around like rubbish and abandoned. I know you do. And that's why we need to work together. Once all this is over, we can go back to having normal lives as normal kids. I promise."
Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Asuka did the unthinkable. She held out a trembling hand to a shyly smiling Shinji who despite a complete lack of social skills, knew to give it a delicate shake with his own nervous hand. He put his other hand on her shoulder as the friendly handshake continued, as Mari and Rei watched him with a whole new level of respect and admiration.
This was the mark of a true evangelist who knew when to forgive but not forget. An act godlier than the entirety of the life of Saint Paul and Jesus combined.
Churches would have this simple, yet powerful embrace of affection printed into their stained glass windows for eons to come.
It would become a verse in the bible, with an entire page dedicated to it alone.
This was true holiness and righteousness. Not the bunch of bull preached by NERV and SEELE about the coming of the end of times with no hope for anyone rejecting the "gift" of instrumentality.
It was Asuka who eventually broke the silence. She really had Shinji all wrong. He was the strong one, the bigger man who held no grudge and she was the whiny spoiled brat who had taken him for granted.
She felt as if a gigantic burden had been lifted from her shoulders. She felt as if the world had already been fixed even though it hadn't.
For the first time in forever, she felt alive. For this simple handshake had shown to her that kindness was no weakness. On the contrary, without kindness, there was no love.
And without love, there was no life.
"Shinji." She muttered gratefully, the sheer relief of this divine moment corrupting her language lobes once more as she kept hold of his hand. "Mein Freund. Mein beste Freund auf der welt."
"Shinji. My best friend in the world." Mari quietly translated to a confused Rei and Shinji.
Shinji simply nodded, equally grateful. It was only on special occasions when his German friend spoke in her mother tongue. It was good that she found this moment as special as he did.
A moment where he could interact with her without fear of her fist. The first moment of its kind.
It was a few seconds later when the two pilots finally let go of each other's hands. Shinji's eyes were no longer filled with fears with he looked at Asuka, and her eyes were no longer full of disdain as she looked back.
"See Asuka. You're not a bad person. You just made some bad decisions." Shinji said. "We can still be friends. But just please, don't punch me like before."
Asuka's eyes begun to burn brightly once again as the next words she spoke were infused once more with the burning passion typical of her.
"Before you declare me your friend, I want you to make me a promise as well. Can you do that for me, Shinji?"
"Anything" he curtly replied.
"Promise me that if I ever hit you or insult you like I used to do, that you'll beat me to death. Don't hold back. Don't forgive me. Don't try to justify my stupidity with sympathy, just hit me until you crack my skull to pieces. Promise me that, or we can't be friends."
Shinji didn't know how to react to this odd request. Mari and Rei simply beamed proudly.
But he also knew that having gotten this far with Asuka, he couldn't just let her down now.
"I will keep that promise Asuka. But only because I know you would never do that anymore. I believe you've changed for the better and I trust your word."
"Well good." Snapped Asuka, remembering that she was on a mission and that the entire city was under threat from the massive army of behemoth abominations that the satellite imagery had sighted. They were still a few feet away when NERV ordered her to track down her remaining fellow pilots (they could send nobody due to limited manpower over the chaos caused by the chief's sudden departure and something about holding all flights from the airport). But a distant deep throated roar from far away had snapped all four pilots back to their senses.
"You need to come with me now. We don't have much time."
"We'll take my car." Mari immediately suggested as she began leading them in the direction of the parking lot as the shouts of panicking citizens rang through the air. She switched the voice setting on her bowtie back to the voice of Mami Tomoe as Shinji and Rei followed suit, Shinji dialling his voice to that of Madoka's and Rei to Homura's voice respectively.
Even if there was an Angel attack, comic con day was not over yet.
"If you want, there's a spare costume in the car. It might not be perfect but if you want to celebrate what's left of comic-con day, the opportunity is there."
"Thanks Mari, I guess." Asuka belatedly replied in dogged gratitude as they reached the parking lot to find it empty save for Mari's blue SUV and begun to bundle into the car one by one, Shinji riding shotgun to Mari and Rei and her in the rear. "Don't any of you look while I get changed."
"We won't. We hope you like your outfit. Shinji had a feeling you might show up and he asked me to take it with us just in case."
Wow he cares, Asuka thought surprised. Even away from her, Shinji had been thinking enough about her to accommodate especially for her arrival. That took mindful empathy. Certainly not the actions of an idiot or a brat.
The blue SUV revved into life as Asuka grabbed the black skirt, yellow blouse and white shirt on her seat and begun to slip them on after slipping her school uniform off. The car was already nearly onto the main road by the time Asuka had gotten around to the nametag and green haired wig.
A moment later, and Asuka Langley Soryu had gone for the day.
Her outfit now matched those of those chosen by her fellow pilots for this special day. A choice certain to symbolize unity between tightly knit friends who would stick with each other through thick and thin.
Her hair was now longer, though not as long as her old hair prior to her haircut and a beautiful shade of jade green.
Her nametag read. "Hitomi Shizuki. New but not less."
Her voice setting: Spunky and loving with a sweet, sweet heart.
Her entire life had been all a big lie. It felt nice to be nice to others for a change, niceness couldn't possibly be a weakness if it felt so good doing it.
The people around her were no longer just the fellow pilots she was forced to be in constant contact with as part of her loathsome job she only took in a hopeless attempt to gain herself reputation. They were now her friends who would protect her while she protected them till the cold and bitter end when every star fell from the sky and every last heart in the world broke.
When every ship was going down, she would care nothing and keep smiling through it all when they were there to tell her through her tears and her screams.
It was going to be okay.
"Shinji." Hitomi said, taking a look in the direction of the pink haired girl in the front seat.
"Rei" she whispered, turning her eyes sideways to the long dark-haired girl sitting beside her, who was just starting to get her braids back on.
"Mari" She took a look at the blonde spiral hair tails of the driver whose attention was totally focused on the road.
"Thank you. All of you. For being there for me when it mattered. You really are all amazing people, all of you. The greatest honour I ever earned in NERV, was being able to fight alongside all of you. And from now on, we're all in this, together. I'm truly glad to have met you all. My friends."
…
"Come on Homura. Do it. Show that uncaring jerk how wrong she is and how right you are" Misato shouted as the onscreen dark haired girl fought the onscreen blonde.
The fighting was fierce and even though she knew it was just a film, Misato was praying with every ounce of her being for "Homura" to come out victorious.
It was when the fighting had reached its halfway point, that Misato came to a tragic and self-realizing discovery which made her slap herself in the face.
Homura was an allegory for her mistreated son and pilot Shinji who no one listened to or acknowledged, and Mami, the girl Homura was forced to fight against was an allegory for her, Asuka and the other sadists he was forced to be in constant contact with, who took glee in his suffering and his misery while deriding him despite the fact he was their victim.
"I'll punish you forcefully. I'll punish you brutally. I'll make you regret every beating you ever gave to my son and you will regret the day you were born." Misato vowed, addressing no one in particular but rather the collection of jerk assess that made up NERV.
"Woah. I'm not sure we need to go quite that far. But I'm glad you see why things need to change for our Shinji if we're going to save the world." Maya dressed as Sayaka with blue hair, congratulated as Misato continued to watch with her eyes glued to the screen and her bag of popcorn untouched since the film began.
She was slowly showing Misato the error of her ways, through example.
A bit of a long update but thank you all for reviewing and reading. Please keep the reviews coming if you can and tell me what ya'll think. But until then, thank you all for being so awesome.
I let Asuka go a little easy. Well, considering what was in the series, do you want more unpleasant to be added to the pile? Or do you want to see friends cooperating and working together as friends should?
I like to think of this story as a rebuild of the rebuild of Evangelion. Where the characters get even more of a second chance than they already did. What the series would be if Studio Ghibli wrote it to be lighter and softer while still keeping its overall tone intact.
