When I woke the first time it was only briefly.
I was laying on a makeshift bed on the floor, surrounded by thin sheets that divided up sections of the medical tents that were set up for the injured. There were medical attendants everywhere, in and out. I figured my injuries were pretty bad if I was isolated by the curtains, instead of being placed on a mat next to one of the several other victims, in the common emergency treatment area.
But I couldn't care less about injuries that I had sustained, or for the pain I felt when I attempted to move any part of my body. None of that mattered right now. I stared blindly at the ceiling, letting everything crash over me and not looking over when someone made an exclamation, remarking something related to me opening my eyes and tracking and being awake.
Then I closed my lids once more and allowed myself to drift back under.
***...*.*.
I was awake longer the second time, but thankfully no one was there to notice, so I just stared out a window and blamed my watering eyes on the too-bright sun.
When my lids grew heavy it was a relief I refused to fight.
***...*.*.
I knew it wouldn't help any, but, as I was coming to learn, sentimentality was a dangerously powerful emotion.
Entering my mind palace, I descended, opening a central door. Warm air, soft sunlight, and the faint smell of cherry blossoms wafting through the wind washed over me.
He was there. I knew it wasn't him. It didn't stop me from walking up and hugging him desperately.
"Cashile," Aiden smiled warmly, pulling back and greeting me.
I buried my head in his neck to hide my sob, not wanting to ruin the moment that only existed in my mind. I couldn't help but whisper, "You're not here."
Aiden wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tugged me in. Not reluctantly, I leaned my head against his chest, his chest that was warm, intact, alive, breathing. "Even so," he agreed.
I closed my eyes and allowed the dangerous comfort for a brief moment. I wanted to stay there, to hold him and let him hold me and love him here on our hill. Temptation pulled at me, impossibly strong for several moments as I imagined remaining there in blissful, ignorant denial. Then I refocused my thoughts, lightly pushing against Aiden's chest so I was face to face with him. "You're dead," I accused.
His smile was sympathetic, soft, and warm, and somehow not even close to how it was and when he was alive, and I hated it. He squeezed my shoulders in what I was sure was meant to be a comforting gesture and pulled me back in, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
"You remember the promise you made me, right?"
I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to scream that he only ever gave a damn about Aisa and about me and that was why he was dead. That if he actually gave a damn about Aisa then he would have taken better care of himself and he would be alive. I wanted to tell him that he was selfish, dying instead of saving himself and leaving me with a responsibility I could never possibly live up to.
"Still here, Cashile," Aiden whispered, tucking strands of loose hair behind my ear.
"Liar," I replied bitterly, cursed with the knowledge of reality. He was only an echo that my mind could recreate and it would never be Aiden. Aiden was gone.
"Even so," he agreed once more, and leaned down to kiss me.
He wasn't here, but, all the same, I reached up and pulled him down to the soft green grass beneath the tree at the top of our hill to love him like I never did when he was alive.
***...*.*.
Awareness returned more suddenly than I was prepared for, my senses dulled by drugs or exhaustion or the vestiges of sleep. Tendrils of dream clung to my mind and I dismissed them wretchedly; Aiden was gone. Slowly, reluctantly, I opened my eyes, quickly closing them as the light stabbed sharply. My eyes watered, a tear involuntarily slipping from the corner of my eye as I squeezed them tightly.
Thinking about the scenario logically, Aiden had saved my life. If not for his idiotic interception, I would be dead, no doubt. Even if his presence served merely as a distraction, as motivation, as fear and terror and helplessness I hadn't felt for only myself, it was the sole reason that I was alive. Because of him, I was alive. I should have been happy that I'd survived, relieved. I didn't think I was.
I glanced around the makeshift room and saw Kakashi sitting on a chair, body tired and sagging, elbows against knees, head pressed into the palms of his hands. He had bandages wrapped around parts of his body, but he didn't seem to be terribly wounded. Not like I'd been.
"K—" I coughed; my first attempt to speak felt like it was tearing my throat in two it was so dry. "Kakashi," I managed to whisper in a painful and scratchy voice.
His head came up automatically at the sound of my voice. "Nurse, the patient in here is awake!" He called out of the curtain. Judging from the chaos of earlier, he was most likely calling out to no one in particular, to anyone who was willing to listen.
"How long?" I whispered in a very raspy voice and tried to clear my throat once more, swallowing dryly.
Kakashi leaned over my makeshift bed, checking my vitals and looking over my dressings. He looked banged up but in pretty decent shape in regards to what Konoha had just experienced. Glancing around, he spotted a paper cup of water, checked it, and offered the half-cup that remained.
"It's been a couple days," he replied as I sat up and slowly drank, wetting my mouth before taking a swallow. A nurse came into the makeshift room.
"Aiden's... dead," I choked out without thinking.
Kakashi seemed to not know what to do. I wondered why he was here, waiting next to me when there must have been so much to do, when he wasn't there the first few times I'd woken. I wondered if he was here to rest for a bit, to avoid the destruction that laid outside the doors if only for a little while.
"You woke up several times, but never for long," the nurse informed me, unintentionally granting both Kakashi and I a brief reprieve
"Several times?" I asked, concerned "I remember waking up... twice?"
"It's perfectly normal to not remember the first few times of returning to consciousness," he reassured. "Especially with a head injury. The fact that you remember the last two times of waking up is a good sign that you're back to converting short term memory to long term. There shouldn't be any permanent damage."
"I... okay."
The nurse stepped back, smoothing his uniform down. "Alright, everything seems to be fine. I have a lot to be doing, so just let me know if you have any problems. Otherwise, stay here, rest, and focus on healing!
I returned my focus to Kakashi, and he hesitantly rested his hand on my shoulder in a show of unity. "It was a.. terrible attack," Kakashi admitted. "Konoha wasn't prepared, especially after the damage sustained by the Akatsuki. We lost many ninja and... and civilians. But we managed to hold them off. They retreated."
"We ended them?"
He hesitated, removing his hand from my shoulder, instead taking the empty water cup back from me, busying his hands so he didn't have to look me in the eye. "Not quite," he admitted. "Konoha suffered many losses. We couldn't extend ourselves by chasing them down and risk more casualties. We allowed them to retreat."
Brief, bright, uncontrolled fury flared in me. "What do you mean?!" I spat. "This was our chance to destroy a threat against the village and instead we let them retreat to regroup and regain their strength?"
"Enough, Cashile," Kakashi reprimanded tiredly. "I know that you lost someone close to you but that does not excuse asking a village to sacrifice itself for your revenge.''
But I'm furious and full of denial and guilt and it won't allow me to think logically about the situation, so I take all the emotions and push them down, locking them in a metal box and throwing them behind closed doors. Taking a deep breath, I nodded. "I... understand," I muttered. "But I can still be upset they escaped."
Kakashi watched me, seemingly torn between concern for my emotionless words and relief that I'd given up the argument so quickly. In the end he chose relief, because it was easier after such emotionally exhausting trials, because it was simple and comforting and untaxing. "Of course," he agreed. "I wouldn't expect any less."
"Aisa," I suddenly stated, reality sinking in fully. I would have to tell Aisa that his brother was dead, because he sent him to help me. I would have to tell Aisa that I couldn't protect his brother. I would have to tell Aisa that his brother was dead because of me. "My team. I need to make sure..."
"The list of the dead and missing and injured is continuously being updated," Kakashi explained to me gently. "You won't find anything there. But I saw your genin helping clear debris and helping civilians. They're all a little worse for the wear, but they survived."
"Do they know where I am?" I asked. "Does Aisa know..." I know I'm being a coward, hoping that Aisa has already somehow found out so I don't have to tell him, bu it's something I can't help. My emotions surge again and I ruthlessly strangle them and press them back down into their box.
"When I saw them I told them that you were injured but expected to make a full recovery. The boy, Aisa, asked about his brother, but I didn't know anything," Kakashi replied. "But...he probably doesn't know for sure. There are people being treated in the hospital that haven made it into the list of found yet, and some of the dead and injured are... unidentifiable."
I averted my eyes from Kakashi's worried gaze and forced my thoughts to how I could break the news to Aisa. Tell him that his brother died a hero? Hah, more like an idiot. I swallowed the bitter aftertaste left in my mouth from the thought. I wasn't prepared for this. I had calculated this scenario, that Aiden would die due to his connection to me, but the probability of those calculations had been so low and dammit, Aisa was a ninja. I was a ninja. Aiden was just a regular old civilian and this shouldn't have happened.
A hand rested on my shoulder, and I realized that I was hyperventilating. Feeling the edges of panic begin to curl in my stomach, I knocked the hand away, careful not to injure it, and focused on controlling the reaction. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths, empty hands fisted in the hospital sheet. It wasn't enough: I could still feel the burn of my lungs and the need to run and find someplace safe and have a weapon in my hand. All this over the thought of telling Aisa? At nearly dying? At being attacked when it should have been safe? Or from losing something I hadn't even known I'd had?
My reaction abated slightly as I looked up at Kakashi, looked into his eye that was full of concern and worry and heartache, so completely useless to me. But somehow, when I looked into his eye, my hard gaze softened and emotion washed through me once more. A tear slid down my eye and my voice trembled, but I still spoke. Because I had to say it. He had to know. The one puzzle, the one riddle that I had never been able to solve. I had solved it.
An empty smirk crossed my face, but there was no conceit or arrogant aura that came off with it. It was a mocking smirk, full of pain and ache and inexpressible emotion. "You tricky bastard," I whispered bitterly, "It took me a while to figure out, I'll give you that." Kakashi gave me a puzzled look and was about to say something, but I spoke before he could. "It's love," I choked out.
It had been years ago, when we had first met, when we didn't know each other as any more than a genin who didn't realize how stupid she was and an apathetic sensei who should have been more powerful than he seemed. Before everything had come into place, before the chunnin exams, before the spiders, before all the gruesome torture and pain, before Sasuke left, before I had been taken, before I had become a sensei, before Aiden.
And yet, when his eyes softened with a small, sad smile, I knew that he remembered.
