The setting was a candle lit bedroom. The scent of perfume and essential oils filling the air. Soothing music emanated from the large flat screen Telly currently showing the infamous red screen of NETFLIX.
The atmosphere certainly was intimate. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together could have seen this. Anyone but Daniel Jackson it seemed.
"Hello Harry!"
The wizard, who'd been waiting on the large bed for his 'partner' to join him instinctively rolled off the bed with a startled yelp of surprise before hitting the ground with a dull thud.
Well that didn't sound like any Goa'uld voice he'd ever heard before. In fact it sounded an awful lot like… With a dubious look he peered over the edge of the mattress.
"Sweet Merlin's gaping arsehole Daniel, have you ever heard of knocking!" the young Man pulled the thin sheet down and around him. Did he mention he was naked?
"Daniel…" he began before stopping. Even saying his name was weird coming from within the candle lit bedroom. Just then the second door opened with a soft his and a slender, sparsely dressed figure emerged.
"Look Harry, I like how much you are into role playing but screaming another Blokes name is where I draw the lin- oh hello."
Vala had just emerged from the walk in closet wearing a very revealing version of female Jaffa armor, presumably from all female Hak'tyl Resistance if Daniel's eyes weren't deceiving him. One of the perks of being an omnipotent energy based life form, peeping on the hot girls.
"I didn't know we were expecting company." She purred with the deep throaty rumble the Goa'uld and Tok'ra were famous for thanks to the voice emulator necklace pressed up against her throat.
"Harry, you shouldn't have."
The shameless criminal was eyeing the former Anthropologist like a piece of meat. Daniel Jackson, ascended being extraordinaire blushed, turning beet red despite not having an ounce of blood to his name.
Sheet now securely wrapped around his waist the wiry Wizard popped up from behind the bed.
"Daniel" he repeated in an even tone, much like O'Neill did whenever the two didn't see eye to eye.
"How did you get here?"
'Here' currently was in Hyperspace en-route to some planet with a butt load of ancient treasures Vala had convinced him of accompanying her to. One notable fact was that there was nobody aboard when they started this little journey. And Harry sure as hell didn't know of any way to do so once in Hyperspace.
"Yeah, I may have picked a bad time to pay you a visit." Jackson muttered, the awkwardness of the situation dawning on him. Oh, Oma was probably in tears by now. He wearily eyed the very real whip Vala was playing with. Higher plain of existence or not, that Woman was a sexual deviant.
"You think? The wizard snapped back. "How are you in my bedroom anyway?"
Harry was beginning to sound irritated.
"Ah, about that." The enlightened ex human started.
"About two months ago I was irradiated by a nasty version of Naquadah while off world."
Harry's eyebrows shot up. "Go on."
"I was basically dying, so I chose to Ascend."
Harry had heard of Ascension. Not his cup of tea but still, Danny was talking about it like picking up milk from the store. "You Ascended? Just like that?"
"Yeah, but that's not why I'm here." He was doing his stupid thinker pose again. Harry hated it when he did that. "Jack's been captured by Ba'al."
Vala sucked in a sharp breath. "Uhh, that's not good."
"And you want me to help?" Harry finished for him. He folded his arms and cocked his head. "Aren't you supposed to be the ultimate power in the universe? Able to control and do what you want?"
Daniel frowned. "It's not that simple."
"So the brochures lied!"
"Harry! Ba'al is torturing him into insanity." The young Wizards mouth clicked shut. Daniel it seemed struck a nerve without realizing it.
"Where is he?" he asked with a drawn out sigh.
"I've already added the co-ordinates to your ship's Navigational computer. Thank you."
Daniel disappeared like the mist he was, leaving a thoroughly turned off Harry Potter and an even more turned on Vala Mal Doran alone in the formers private quarters.
"Jackson, you complete and utter Pillock."
oOo
The dynamic duo soon found themselves sneaking around Ba'al's super-secret outpost looking for the prisoner cells. Luckily said outpost wasn't very big and better yet lightly guarded. Its primary defense was the shield protecting it, so Ba'al had only assigned a handful of guards to tent to it.
A majority of them were already inundated. Despite this mission being a complete pain in the ass at least Harry got his Jaffa headwear. Did you know he was up to seventeen different headpieces now? They decorated the Bebop quite nicely, though on more than one occasion had they scared him enough to almost hex one in the middle of the night thinking the ship had been boarded.
Another stunner found another guard.
"So why are you helping this O'Neill guy anyway?" Vala asked as they stepped over the unconscious Jaffa.
"When I went to school I met this guy…"
Vala smirked and Harry caught on.
"Get your mind out of the gutter Woman! His parents were tortured into insanity. It just struck too close to home to ignore. Besides, I know the guy. He's all right."
Harry would never admit that to him, but that was beside the point. Vala could understand that. Despite what most of the people she dealt with thought there was a heart beating beneath that sexy but cold exterior. Holding off a few days on their treasure hunt wasn't even that big a sacrifice.
It seems Murphy didn't even need to hear words like that out loud anymore, because they quite literally bumped into Ba'al himself as they rounded the next corner.
Shouts of 'Bloody hell!' and 'Jaffa! Cree!' echoed through the corridor, followed shortly after by staff fire and loud snapping noises. A few minutes later five people ringed back aboard the Bebop.
Jack looked grateful but very tired. His shirt was also beyond saving. Harry had a nice circular burn on his shoulder from a staff blast that grazed him. Vala slinked off to get a healing device from the infirmary.
It wasn't severe enough to merit use of the Sarcophagus. The thing made him jumpy, and gave him violent urges. Leave it to the Tok'ra to fix the bloody thing and still get it wrong anyway. But then again it wasn't like they were space mechanics or anything.
Harry pushed through the pain and dumped Ba'al in a magically reinforced cell. Only then did he undo the ropes and silencing spells.
"Foolish Tau'ri!" The well-groomed Goa'uld spat. "When the system lords hear of this you will be punished severely!"
The remaining three, already almost out the door paused. Harry turned, completely unconcerned. "Somehow I don't see that happening. That outpost we just found you on, I take it you never divulged its existence to the other System Lords as per your little agreement?"
Ba'al knew what he was getting at.
"We'll make it look like an accident. A weapons test gone awry. They'll think you're dead."
The Goa'uld roared as Harry, O'Neill and Ba'als former slave left.
oOo
"You didn't tell me this treasure was on Earth!" Harry moaned, none too thrilled to be back at the SGC.
"How was I supposed to know that's where you hailed from? I've never ran into your people before today."
Vala defended, crossing her arms and drawing Harry's attention to her sizable bosom. To be honest Harry hadn't bothered looking at the co-ordinates she'd imputed into the navigational computer.
"Didn't I mention that?" he asked distractedly. "Also, not my people." The young wizard added, looing rather disgusted at the insinuation.
"These monkeys wouldn't accept a solution to their little Goa'uld problem if it came up those stairs and slapped them across the face."
Several eyes looked at the stairs, as if expecting something to happen.
"Morally superior dimwits", he muttered. Vala smirked and General Hammond was massaging his temples, already feeling a headache coming on. And those two had only been here for a few minutes.
"Tell me again why I should give you access to the resources of this base for your little treasure hunt?" he asked, but instantly regretting doing so.
"How bout we split whatever we find?" The former host offered innocently. "After discussing with my business partner we're willing to offer you ten percent."
"When did we decide on this?" Harry sputtered, caught completely off guard.
"Ahh, it was technically that time on the Orilla when we snuck off into that Asgard broom closet.
"Not a broom closet" Harry interjected. "They don't even have brooms. Also, what?"
"Well, remember I said we really shouldn't do this right now, but you were insistent."
Harry crossed his arms. "Please, that happened one time and is most certainly was not on the Asgard home world. Also, you were the one that spilt that aphrodisiac all over the place. It was embarrassing."
Vala forged on, ignoring the technicalities. "I refused unless you agreed to my terms."
"And your terms were to make all executive decisions when it comes to payment for all future jobs?"
"Exactly." she confirmed with a bright smile.
The SGC muggles (and Jonas) looked on in horror at the idea of them getting busy on the Asgards home planet. Jackson would have rolled in his grave if he had one.
"What makes you think we'll even let you go looking for this 'mythical' treasure?" O'Neill cut in, effectively ending their little discussion.
"Well, considering I was born on Earth I sort of have every right to come back, do I not?"
"The American Ministry isn't exactly thrilled with you being here!"
"Technicalities" Harry dismissed with a wave of his hand.
"Look, I approached you because we have some history (not much of it good) and I didn't want to step on any toes(yes he did)." The Colonel gave Hammond a calculated look.
"Not that you would have found out if I hadn't" he added.
"What do you need from us?" the Texan asked, choosing to ignore the last jab.
Vala snapped her fingers, causing Harry to roll his eyes and unshrink a medium sized crate.
"We came across a tablet…"
"You stole it!" Harry corrected.
"…that mentioned a sizable horde of valuables located here on Earth."
"Let me guess" O'Neill smiled humourlessly. "You can't translate it."
The two troublemakers remained quiet, essentially admitting just that.
Jonas studied the tablet. "It's encrypted." Vala pulled a folded piece of paper from her cleavage and handed it over with a wink. The poor Kelownan blushed, acutely are of how warm said paper felt on his fingertips. Jonas quickly ran off to Dr. Jackson's old lab, presumably to start on the translation and to cry about his loss of innocence.
"So" Harry finally broke the silence, much to the dismay of the others. "I hear you guys have an all magical SG team now. Ran into them a while back."
The General and the rest of SG-1 frowned.
"More like beat the tar out of them." O'Neill growled. "The American ministry shipped them off to one of their special Hospitals to recover. Last I checked they were still there."
The smug looking Brit leaned back in his chair and shrugged. "They started it."
"If you say so." George muttered, but not really buying it. Neither was anyone else. "I'm still waiting to see a mission report from them about what happened. Care to enlighten me?"
The young man shrugged. "I could, but would you believe me?"
"Point taken." the General nodded and rose, presumably to head back to his office and bang that shiny polished head against something solid.
At least Potter had done him a favor by removing SG-7 from active duty. Fudging their mission reports was becoming ludicrous, and his imagination only went so far. O'Neill would have been far better at that than him.
oOo
In the year or so since meeting Vala a lot had happened to Harry. Most of them were bad because of his connection to the truly evil Woman. But with so much bad comes some good as well, even if at first it didn't look that way.
Not unlike their current objective, Harry and Vala had been on some god forsaken rock looking for loot left behind, this time by some unknown race called the Furlings. The name made them sound cute and fluffy, but he knew better than to associate a certain mindset with a name. One of the few valuable life lessons Hagrid had instilled.
The clues Vala had picked up turned out to be fake, planted by an Asgard named Loki. They were complicated enough to weed out any…shall we say lesser individuals. The smart ones that did find their way here would become the Mad Scientists new project, all in the name of self-preservation of course.
The Asgard rouge, or more aptly his ship didn't remove Harry's wand, not considering it a weapon. Harry up until this point had never seen an Asgard before. When all was said and done they'd bound Loki and proceeded to pump the creature for information.
Now normally Harry was all for some fun prodding and experimentation, but it seemed Loki's subjects tended to expire more often than not. They contacted the rest of the Asgard and Thor came to collect the troublemaker.
But the story does not end there. Loki's scheme it seemed had paid off bigtime. A routine sensor scan on the visitors revealed that Harry was some sort of advanced version of a human.
Mom always said he was special!
Thor had filled his head with words his advanced but apparently rather empty brain couldn't understand. With a few samples of genetic material (Vala volunteered to help) and some live tissue samples the little grey men overcame their cloning problem.
Harry and Vala gained the favor of the most powerful race in two galaxies and both cashed in. The Bebop was picked up from the Milky Way and spent the better part of a week in an Asgard version of a chop shop.
The thing looked unrecognizable. Top of the line experimental weapons, shields generators, power generation. You name it it's got it. Those crazy Star Trek matter converters that can make anything including delicious cups of Coffee? It's got it!
Where was this going you ask? Well, coming back to the current situation the Bebop's sensors were able to identify a hidden network of caverns right underneath Gloustenbury Tor. Which is where SG-1, Vala and Harry now found themselves.
"Well this is just fucking brilliant." Harry muttered after the recording ceased. "Merlin was an Ancient."
"You already knew that," Vala dismissed. "Quit being such a drama queen Harry."
The brooding Wizard growled at the thief. "Yeah, well Merlin was supposed to be the greatest Wizard of all time. How would you feel knowing that your most holy of deities was nothing more than a big fat phony that used fancy muggle toys?"
"How do you know the Ancients didn't perform magic?" Vala asked.
"If the treasure was hidden with magic I'd have felt it." He countered. "And there isn't a drop of it here."
"So what, Wizards and Witches are actually ancients?" Jonas asked, much to the dismay of O'Neill, who just wanted to get on with it. He had a date with a small lake in Minnesota tomorrow and from the looks of it that might not happen now.
The Ancient/Wizard comparison made a surprising amount of sense. How else would the Asgard have been able to use his physiology to create new bodies from nothing more than Harry's….cough donation.
"How bout we table this discussion for later kids" O'Neill was getting tired of discussing what if's in the middle of a dingy wet cave.
"Well since the sword can't be pulled let's just see if there's anything else in here." Jonas added, rather exited at the prospect of exploring the ancient Terran ruins.
"Vala, keep your hands in your pockets and whistle so we know where you are." Harry said, only half joking. The former host flipped Harry the bird.
Jack and Teal'c took one corridor, Sam and Jonas another. That left Harry and Vala with the third. A few dozen steps along a very obvious stone block in a scone lit room with a drop down door came into view.
"Well this is obviously a trap." Vala said to her dragon hide clad partner.
"Nooooo really?" Harry drawled. They walked in anyway, and as expected a massively thick slab of granite ground its way down. Harry didn't seem too phased. If push came to shove he could always Apparate them back out, or blast the door to rubble. It was all about having options.
The altar contained two pots. One was gold, the other silver.
"Can you read this?" he asked. The text looked familiar, but Harry was never gifted when it came to languages. Valla shook her head.
"If I could would we have involved the other knuckleheads?"
She had a point. "True."
With nothing else to do Harry lifted the lid of the silver pot. Inside was a coin. And just like that the door opened again.
"Well that was weird." Vala went to collect the coin but Harry stopped her.
"Honestly Vala. There's a horde of treasure here, and you try to take the single galleon you find in a dubious looking pot?" She huffed but didn't complain. Damn it she hated it when he was right. A few more minutes of wandering they ran into Sam and Jonas.
"You guys get locked in a room with torches as well?" he jerked a thumb over his shoulder and back in the direction of the so called 'trap'.
The two SG-1 members gave each other questioning looks. "Not that we know of."
They returned to the main chamber and went looking for O'Neill and Teal'c. A very familiar gap in the wall with a smooth rock gave Harry and Vala a good idea of where they were. Before either could even shout to see if they were in there that door ground open as well.
"Hey kids. Miss me?"
"What happened?" Jonas asked in excitement.
"Oh you know, life or death struggle. The ceiling started to drop. I rearranged some tiles. Saved the day." Jack inspected his finger nails, trying not to sound too smug.
"They were mirrored numbers." Teal'c stated. "All O'Neill did was arrange them numerically." Jack turned to look at his Jaffa friend.
"Really Teal'c? Way to give it all away."
The Jaffa cocked his head slightly. The team walked back to the raised dais with the sword. Seriously, the ancients must have been dumber than a pile of bricks to use riddles as idiotic as this to hide their shit. Even the one Hermione solved in first year was more complicated.
Jack, lover of all things flashy and pointy once again tried to remove the sword. Not surprisingly he got it out.
…annnd a holographic knight appeared. Harry and the others got to see firsthand just how spry the good Colonel was for his age, ducking and parrying the blows from the digital tin man.
O'Neill finished the thing off quickly, firmly cementing Harry's belief that the Ancients were complete and utter morons.
"Well done, for a guy who can count the colored hair on his head with one hand." Harry almost found out just how pointy that sword really was.
"Now now, let's not get carried away. Why don't you put that thing back where you found it Arthur."
Carter and Jonas snorted, only deepening the Colonel's frown. Harry got what was coming to him though because when Jack re-inserted the sword a very large amount of gold was transported into the chamber, and more than a bit of it was deposited right where the Wizard was standing. Well, had been standing.
"Gahhh!" came the muffled screams from underneath a sizable pile of gold.
Contrary to popular belief swimming in a pool of coins like Scrooge McDuck was quite impossible. Oddly enough this wasn't Harry first near death experience with a pile of valuable metals. The memory of the Lestrange Vault came to mind specifically.
"Oh, what a shame." O'Neill made no move to help the mostly buried younger man. Similarly the rest of SG-1 was busy looking at all the cool stuff kicking around. Harry eventually managed to get at his wand and levitated the pile of gold off him.
"Thanks for nothing you Tossers!" he wheezed.
"You're fine!" came the chorused answer of almost everyone in the room. Harry shook his head, not feeling the love. A short while later Vala came slinking over, an exquisite cloak draped over her shoulders that had a ruby fastener the size of Hagrid's fist. There was also a Crown on her head.
"Show me where it hurts and I'll kiss it better." She stated in a sultry voice. Apparently her hunger for treasure was momentarily sated and she focused on the 'other' Hobby she had.
Harry pointed at his mouth without hesitation, which she fell upon a split second later. Jack broke up their ensuing make out session a few minutes later.
"Hmmm, the fact that we were rolling around on that much gold really gets my motor going." Harry raised a single eyebrow.
"Oh, why didn't you say so before? I'll take you to my vault sometime. The goblins might take offence at the mess, but I think they secretly like stacking coins."
Vala's eyes lit up in excitement. "You have a vault?"
More upgrades to Harry's ship! Hurray! I realize that we're deviating from the canon timeline quite a bit now, but don't worry. I have a plan.
The way the Ancients guarded their stuff makes me scratch my head. It's like having the number 1-4 as your debit pin. I skimmed over Harry's Asgard experience because they really aren't very good conversationalists.
Lastly, in honor of the many strange things 2015 has brought about Netflix and Chill has made it to the year 2004. Happy New Year everyone!
