The Party was still going strong when they came back. A few individuals took note of their linked arms, but for the most part, no one cared.

Except for the Potters.

Especially James. He turned from relaxed to bristling with nervous energy at the flip of a switch.

"Oh no, you don't. I won't allow it!" he hollered loud enough to put several surrounding conversations on hiatus. Harry looked over at his new 'date' and grinned.

"When he says it like that I want it to happen even more."

Tonks' emotions fluctuated between amusement and terror. The elder Potter stood ramrod straight as if addressing a pair of first-year cadets.

"Auror Tonks, I'm ordering you to stay away from him."

James wasn't being overly protective of Harry. Noooo, it was his subordinate he was concerned for. His so-called 'Son' he was fond of, but Tonks had been a close family friend for years. It wouldn't do for Harry to corrupt her.

Tonks paled, clearly not expecting this bad of a reaction from her boss. She tried to squeak out a, 'Yes sir' but Harry cut her off, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Nonsense father dearest. Here, have a look at this." The far to chipper Wizard produced an official-looking document, swirly initial letter and all. James's eyes grew to near house-elf size; pretty much recognizing what the document was in an instant.

"You didn't," he whispered. Harry had never seen anyone hold a piece of paper this tightly, and that includes Dumbledore waiving his name around during the Goblet of Fire Tournament. the words; DID YA PUTT YARR NAME IN DAA GOBLATT OF FIYYAAA, HARRRRYYYY sound familiar?

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" The guests turned to face the odd trio, and the elder Potter remembered that witnesses to murder generally resulted in an extended prison sentence in sunny Azkaban. He dragged the two young people inside.

"You know Harry, I pretty much expect this from you. But Tonks?" James turned towards her with a look of disappointment her father could never have matched. Damn his dad could lay on the guilt thick.

Harry shook his head, looking remorseful. "I realize we should have invited you to the ceremony, but-"

"Ceremony?" Lily nearly shouted as she joined them, having picked up on the commotion. "You were gone for ten minutes!"

Tonks was pale as a sheet. James handed the document over to his wife. The Potter children by then had managed to dislodge themselves from the guests and entered the still-open door.

"You realize there's no privacy charm up, guys?" JP commented, gesturing out to the crowd with a thumb before raising one. Sara meanwhile was star struck.

"Tonks is my sister-in-law? Sweet! Best birthday gift ever!" The eighteen-year-old squealed, hugging her new 'sister'. The Metamorph was actively avoiding eye contact with her superior, or his wife for that matter.

'Damn you, Potter. Why did I agree to this?' she cursed silently, trying to match Sara's enthusiasm but falling well short.

It took every ounce of Harry's self-control not to laugh at that point. The parchment was indeed an official ministry wedding license. But what the Potters didn't know was it was from his side of the mirror, and therefore had no binding magic attached to it. It was like an authentic counterfeit.

James could have noticed that it was fake through his family rings connection, but it was garish and flashy so most of the time it lived in the warded potter blood safe.

"Wait, do you even know each other?" James asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Harry shook his head. "Nope. Met her five minutes ago in an Ice-cream Parlour."

Sara 'awed' at how sweet and romantic it was. Harry had to elbow his 'wife' in the side to keep her from cracking. JP looked rather amused.

James's eye twitched. Lily features cycled between disbelief, anger, and…disappointment? Ouch. It was one thing to see it on his sort of dad's face. But his fake mom's too? He'd have to have a good cry later...not.

The young Auror had shut down so thoroughly by then her face didn't show an ounce of emotion. It was a defense mechanism, one he'd seen on a few fellow students all those years ago at Hogwarts. Greengrass's was the best if he recalled correctly.

"Did you Imperius her or something?" James asked. After witnessing Harry fling the killing curse with practiced ease he wouldn't have doubted it. The younger Potter placed a hand over his heart, looking hurt.

James cast a wandless finite at the young Witch, which of course did nothing.

"Dad, how could you? Harry accused, making sure to use the D word.

"You really think that poorly of me?" With his other he pinched himself through his trouser lining, forcing a tear to emerge and slip down his face.

The ruse worked. James looked apologetic, and the anger wafting of his mother redirected itself at the Senior Auror. Before either could say another word Harry apparated away, Tonks in tow, leaving the flabbergasted family in the Foyer.

They reappeared a short ways from the Village, near a picturesque roman ruin overlooking the valley.

"You really are rotten to the core!" Tonks slapped him on the shoulder, but her smirk was back. Harry's snicker turned into a full-blown belly ache, and it was infectious because for the next minute the two laughed themselves raw. Harry only wished he could see the look on that ponce, Sirius Black's face when he finally found out.

Oh wait, he could with the nanobots.

Several days later Lord Black received a 'formal' letter from the Ministry stating his sweet, innocent (yeah right) younger cousin Nymphedora had wed with a Potter. Already enraged, the Sirius nearly blew a gasket when the picture of said Potter slid from between the thick Parchment.

"HIM?!"

oOo

In the vast urban sprawl that was the Washington suburbs stood an unassuming detached bungalow, no different from the hundreds of others in the neighborhood built around the nineteen seventyfour mark by an enterprising developer whose name has been lost to history.

What made this house interesting was that the door frames were solid steel, the windows bulletproof, and the occupants armed and trained to a degree of lethality that would make any would-be robbers soil their trousers. Oh and the fact that they were forcefully keeping a house-elf confined in the basement.

"For the last time creature, tell us what we wish to know!"

Big ugly tears rolled down the Elf's cheek, staining its already dirty rag shirt further.

"Dobby will never tell you. Dobby would rather die!"

Fingers snapped and the large well-dressed man hovering near the door pulled an Amber bottle from his inner suit pocket, the handed it over to the interrogator.

Dobby was force-fed a quarter of the contents to loosen his tongue. They'd done it before, and every time the elf had become very talkative. Upon sobering up though the small being would clam up again, occasionally muttering something about a 'bad wizard' from time to time.

oOo

Potter was lounging in the Spee's command chair, one leg dangling over the gel armrest. Before him, the last pieces of yet another Super gate were coming together. But unlike the last time, there was a greeting party waiting for the Ori ships.

A smattering of Tau'ri and Asgard vessels hovered in loose formation around the ring, with Harry's ship parked perpendicularly to the others, its primary gun batteries pointed out over the port side.

Unlike last time Harry actually felt pretty confident about their odds. Though powerful, the Ori ships couldn't possibly hold a candle to the Spee when it was coupled with the Lantian Power modules. In fact, the vessel had been built around the subspace power sources.

The rail gun capacitors were so oversized the rounds actually came from the barrel molten thanks to the magnetic forces acting on them.

And the muggle ships were fairly powerful in their own right, especially in numbers.

Or so he thought. The gate powered up, but instead of your run-of-the-mill Ori mothership, a very large cylinder emerged from the event horizon. He noted immediately that it was only a hair smaller than the inner diameter of the gate ring itself. In other words, the thing was bloody huge!

The Wizard sat up properly and leaned forward, mentally commanding the heads-up display to zoom in on the strange object, which was still not completely out of the gate.

"What the Hell?" he muttered. The...rod continued to increase in length, showing no signs of slowing down. It already jutted out of the event horizon a good kilometer. The Spee's sensors showed his allies were powering weapons. With synchronized action, the Ships around him opened up. White blobs of plasma, hot metal, and missiles streaked towards the mass, but it quickly became apparent that even the combined fire of the defense group did next to nothing.

The Tau'ri railguns and Asgard beam weapons scored the surface, creating pits and molten gashes. Yet the damage was only superficial, at its deepest perhaps reaching ten meters at most. The sensors indicated the structure was solid instead of hollow. The thing didn't even have shields!

All right, his turn then. A single railgun spat out a depleted uranium slug wrapped in iron. It impacted the center of the nose, where it pancaked like bullet on a steel target plate. The energy transfer released a substantial amount of radiation and visible light, but made no difference.

Damn, the Ori were playing for keeps.

O'Neill ordered the fleet to cease firing over the designated com channel. Following that, the center portion of the object cracked open, revealing panels that looked to fit over the skeletonized sections of the gate. It seemed the Ori had learnt from Harry's previous actions and chose to shield their gate from his Magic.

"Clever Bastards," he growled, watching the truly massive mechanism transform the simple geometric shape into something delicate-looking. Next, the forward superstructure split, widening to form a sort of hollow tube. The ends blossomed out like flower pedals.

The whole process took just over a minute. The gate was now completely enveloped. But that was by far the least of their problems. Sensors were picking up a power surge emanating from the structure. With a bright flare shields popped into existence around the armored gate shell. They were establishing a foothold and digging in!

At this point, Harry was focused more on the energy output than the actual shape and size. Even if he were to fire the Spee's entire arsenal in one go he doubted it would even overwhelm the structure's shields. Attempting to do so would only waste power.

If he had to venture a guess he'd say it was receiving power straight from the gate itself, considering part of it was still in direct contact with the Event Horizon.

"Probably acting like a conduit," he muttered, fingers dancing over the hard light display. Depending on what they had feeding power to it on the other side it could sustain itself indefinitely.

Yeah, this was not good at all.

The structure was obviously equipped with offensive weapons. The Spee's shield was already up, but it still came as a surprise when a trio of golden beams lashed out and flared against the silvery barrier. The power drain was impressive, way more than he'd considered possible.

But the far more dire realization was that the other ships in the fleet were easy pickings. Two Tau'ri vessels were hit at the same time as his Battleship. Both shots penetrated shields, quickly boiling and vaporizing their armored hulls.

One of the fail-safes he'd programmed into the beam tech activated. In a wonderful bit of foresight, Harry and Carter had written a command that would lock on to any life signs if a friendly vessel was deemed unsalvageable.

The passive sensors on the ship would initiate the protocol. That meant the Graf Spee now went from a crew of one to having almost 700. Sadly not all were as fortunate as a later headcount would determine. Thirty-one crewmembers had just perished on the vessels where the beams of destructive energy had initially connected.

The muggles found themselves in truly massive spaces, where the ship's primitive AI announced itself before guiding them to temporary accommodations. The captains of both ships were asked to the bridge.

Back on the command deck, Harry watched the abandoned ships transform into nothing more than rapidly expanding debris fields. By the time the order to retreat was given an older Asgard ship had been destroyed and another badly damaged.

Harry kept his ship in place as the Tau'ri and Asgard accelerated away from what he could only call a Starbase. The Ori behemoth took another swing at the back of an O'Neill class dreadnaught, succeeding in knocking out its shields but leaving it intact.

"What the hell is going on?" The two captains had arrived. Harry had met them briefly during the mission brief before setting out but never bothered learning their names. The Wizard held out his hand, dismissing them at least for the moment.

With the tiny pocket battleship the only thing left in its effective weapons radius the Gate fortress focused its collective fire. Harry punched it, pushing the main engines to full power even as the beams connected with the shields.

The relatively small ship, further lightened by mass reduction runes, practically leaped from its stationary position like a stabbed rat. The shields absorbed the hits and continued to do so for another twenty seconds until the Spee was finally out of range as well.

Well, that hadn't gone as planned.

oOo

"Mr. Potter." General Hammond sought out the grim-looking Wizard upon entering the briefing room and held out his hand. Harry, momentarily looked taken by surprise but accepted the gesture for what it was. A show of gratitude.

"You saved the lives of a lot of good men and women, many of them my friends." The bald man nodded as if finding it difficult to continue. "Thank you."

On a normal day, Harry would have called the SGC commander soft. But after watching the commanding officer of the muggle starship Orion openly weep upon learning of how many of his crew had been lost Harry just didn't have it in him today.

He pressed his lips together and nodded, taking a seat next to an equally grim-looking SG-1. The other captains filed in shortly after and the official debrief began.

"From what we know-" Carter began. Apart from Harry, she'd have the best idea of how to describe this new Ori tactic. Turtling didn't really fit their M.O, though if faced with an enemy they could not see and therefore target it was a good counterplay. Harry forced himself to pay attention.

"-some sort of Stargate base. During our previous encounter, Potter's ship managed to destroy both the Supergate and four Ori Motherships. This is obviously their answer to that event."

Harry nodded. "The power output we recorded was off the scale. The two dozen ships we had in place couldn't even penetrate its Hull, and that was without shields. We need to up our game."

He absently rubbed his chin, already thinking about a way to remove this latest thorn in his side. It was bad enough that the Ori were using biological weapons in the form of a plague on the Goa'Uld worlds. A lot of innocent people were dying.

Even more would if the Ori were allowed to roam within the Milkyway unchecked.

"What about detonating the system's star?" he asked.

Sam shook her head, having already considered the previously successful tactic herself.

"You're assuming that the Ori will just let it happen."

Harry shrugged. "Their ships aren't the problem. At least not for me. Getting the gate in the sun is no problem."

O'Neill tapped his finger on the table. "Sir, I say we let him try."

Hammond looked at the young man.

"Son, if you feel you can pull this off then, by all means, do what it takes."

Harry rose, looking at the flagship team. "Well, you lot coming along or not?"

Thirty minutes later Harry had picked up a spare gate from one of Anubis's most active and profitable mining operations and traveled back to the super gate star system. Teal'c and Daniel dialed P3W 451 and jettisoned the shielded gate, just like back on Vorash. He then cloaked the Spee and closed within visual range of the station. A dozen Ori motherships had since taken up position around the structure, excluding the two he'd dispatched upon arriving in the system.

The Ori knew he was here. The question was; what they would do about it? Powerful sensor sweeps from the large construct swept the debris scattered space around it periodically, but so far the cloak was keeping them hidden.

The countdown showed a little over five minutes before the main event. Eight more after that before the first shockwaves reached their current location, assuming they travel near the speed of light.

The last minutes ticked away and Harry honestly thought they had it in the bag. Right until the shimmering event horizon that had been illuminating the inner part of the Starbase deactivated and the damn thing turned to run. A giant purple gash opened ahead of the Ori base and it slipped into Hyperspace, followed by its escorts.

"Son of a-"

Carter looked smug. "Told ya."

He suppressed the urge to tell her off, instead opting to pursue the fleeing 'mobile' starbase. The inky blackness of space was replaced with the purple hues of subspace.

"It can move?!" Daniel asked, sounding shocked. He'd been engrossed in a tome of some kind he'd found in the Spee's library. The Wizard grunted an affirmative, wondering just how they were supposed to deal with this thing.

"So it would seem." The Jaffa stated, not really helping move the conversation forward. They were about twenty seconds behind the large blip representing their target. Plenty of time to drop out of Hyperspace should it choose to do so.

"So now what?" this from O'Neill.

Harry leaned back, eyes closed.

"We fight it once it exits hyperspace. With no direct Gate connection to draw power from we might be able to crack it. At the very least we dispose of its escort. That way it has to remain stationary for at least a bit, should we fail to destroy it."

Sam's eyebrow rose curiously. "Why would it stay stationary?"

Harry looked at her as if it was obvious.

"So the Ori can dispatch more motherships from their Galaxy to replace the ones they lost. Or will lose. That is if they have any left of course."

"Your plan has an awful lot of holes in it." The Archeologist phrased his negative comments skillfully. A wise move on his part.

"Yeah, I'm winging it a just a wee bit. But what grand plan do you have?"

Jackson sputtered a bit. "Well. Umm."

"Just zip it, Peanut Gallery." Harry finally shut him down. Fortunately, just then the Spee alerted him that their chase, at least for now, was at an end. Seems the Ori Gate base didn't even plot a destination and just punched it.

It also didn't seem to be able to pick up the much smaller warship on sensors. Having the element of surprise Harry made subtle changes to their exit coordinates relative to the Ori battle group and pre-aimed the massive gun batteries while still in Hyperspace. The long, sleek Gauss cannons cast multiple shadows on the wood deck as they traversed into place, pointing at nothing in particular.

Until they slipped back into normal space.

"All right, people. Strap in. It's showtime."

The Pocket Battleship emerged six kilometers aft of the formation and about five hundred meters below them on the Y axis. That meant he could bring all of the railguns to bear, while the Motherships would be forced to turn in order to engage.

Before the Ori could even take evasive action three Motherships were blotted from the figurative sky by single shots from each battery. The process was entirely silent save for a faint shudder when the projectiles were hurled away, caused when a portion of their momentum transferred through the arrayed magnetic field and into hardpoints in the hull. The sub-light engines and thrusters compensated automatically.

The turrets moved fractionally and fired again less than three seconds later, bagging three more hard kills. The last salvo took more skill to accurately aim. The remaining vessels by then had started to scatter and raised shields, so three separate turrets tracked three targets. Two connected cleanly but had to be finished with the plasma beam weapon. The last missed due to an emergency maneuver Harry honestly thought was pretty darn impressive on the ship Captain's part. The slug had passed through the empty center of the ship after the shields had been dropped, then quickly raised again. The follow-up beam shot scattered on the fully intact shield.

Eight burning wreckages in under ten seconds. Not bad. The Floating base plowed through the debris field, glowing ominously as its weapons charged. The Spee engaged sub-light engines and began to run circles around the slow-moving construct.

The remaining three Motherships were picked off over the course of the next five minutes after much-frenzied maneuvering, while the main gun batteries focused solely on the larger target. But even after that long the shield still showed no sign of failing.

The lone remaining mothership that had given him the slip earlier quickly tucked into the hollow space offered by the Starbase, seeking refuge.

"Beam weapons only strengthen it. It's like the planetary shield back on Kallana! I'm seeing a marginal drain from the kinetic energy of the slugs." Carter reported.

Harry cursed, studying the effect each volley had on the behemoth's shields. They'd run out of ammunition long before that thing ever succumbed. But since kinetic energy was the only thing that worked against it what that told Harry was they needed a larger object to throw at it.

Something dense.

He glanced up, staring unfocused out the large glass dome.

An asteroid.

But not just any old space rock. A metallic core would be necessary.

"Hey, you guys said Anubis sent a fake Naquadah asteroid towards Earth a few months back, right?"

O'Neill nodded. "Yeeeahh. Why do you ask?"

"Well if kinetic energy works on their shields, maybe we should start throwing rocks at it." It dawned on the team what Harry was suggesting.

"The Naquadah is extremely dense," Carter explained, getting excited. "Much heavier than a normal nickel-iron asteroid. Make it go quick enough, and this might just work!"

"Just how quick are we talking here? Jack asked, recalling that particular physics lesson from high school. "Not your average fastball speed I assume."

The wizard ruffled his unruly hair before making eye contact with Carter.

"What do you think?"

Sam launched into an explanation of how fast the asteroid was traveling when Anubis sent it on its merry way, going so far as explaining that even if they found it, accelerating a mass that large would be next to impossible.

He'd make it his mission to prove her wrong. But first Harry fired a single 'dark drone' at the remaining Ori mothership with no shields. The drone was a tracker, specially designed by him. Specially designed really only meant coated in radar absorptive material. Ok, it was basically just rattle painted black, but next to impossible to detect against the background of space.

The drone loitered around and latched onto the remaining ship after the Graf Spee broke off its attack and returned to hyperspace.

Not once had the Starbase been able to land a hit. Harry's new powerful ship was like an annoying fly to it. Not able to damage it, just pesky.

The Ori Motherships however couldn't say the same.

oOo

The Asteroid was currently about .02 lightyears from Earth, which, in the grand scheme of things was right around the corner from their little blue marble. Not surprising, considering it was going a measly thirty thousand kilometers an hour. The Spee matched its speed and heading after dropping out of hyperspace, holding position a few kilometers away. The Asgard/Ancient/Magical hybrid ship was positively minuscule next to it. In other words, it was perfect to ram into an Ori battle station.

The Wizard jumped from his chair and clapped his hands.

"Right, the first order of business will be to go to the surface and carve a few dozen mass reduction runes."

Carter's eyes widened. "You have a way to negate the mass of objects? That's imp-" she stopped herself, taking a deep and calming breath. She wasn't going to let him rile her up again.

Harry grinned.

"The faster it goes the less likely the Ori can evade it."

Even O'Neill agreed with his logic. The team observed as several of the Spee's automated maintenance robots whizzed by the bridge and towards the surface, their diamond carbide drills ready to chew through some naquadah ore.

Once the runes were carved and activated they would allow the Battleship to push the huge rock in front of it without pancaking the ship's nose. If allowed the engines in the back would literally squash the superstructure like a soda can. The hull simply couldn't bear the forces.

Casting impervious charms on his clothing and heating charms on his extremities the Major beamed him to the first rune location in one of the asteroid's many caverns. The bubblehead charm held up well enough. The automated drone, which had already moved on, had created a flat polished surface measuring three by three meters and then etched the desired markings into the super heavy metal. It was far superior to any handmade rune.

Depth, consistency, and perfect geometric shapes ensured maximum efficiency. Hermione would be green with envy if she saw this.

Going with the elder wand on this one Harry tapped the machine-carved rune, which glowed bright white for a moment before fading again. Carter relayed that the overall mass had dropped 5%, which was fairly impressive. The magical drain too was significant.

Only a dozen or so more to go. Around each rune he set a smallish explosive charge, and next to that a signal booster for the corresponding detonator. Once the desired speed was achieved the runes would be destroyed, and the full mass of the Asteroid restored. After that, it was as simple as entering FTL with their 'present' and delivering it to the target coordinates. The mass of Naquadah would retain its momentum completely upon exiting Hyperspace.

To be entirely sure of the station's status Harry had dispatched Teal'c and Jackson on the Bebop to scout ahead. Once they received the all-clear they would begin operation fly swatter.

oOo

The Ori Prior in command of the Origin's Servitude was pleased. Their new battle station had performed admirably against the nonbelievers. The loss of most of its Mothership escort had been an unexpected setback, but an acceptable one. Even now many, many more were being constructed, their crews training hard to help spread the Words of Origin.

The small vessel that had destroyed them though was worrisome. Fortunately, it had been unable to penetrate the Base's shields. Its design was highly unorthodox but seemed incredibly effective regardless. Sensor scans had revealed little about the technology it utilized. There was some sort of shielding in place that made them blind to what was inside. Earth would need to be dealt with sooner than expected if they could produce such effective combat vessels.

The Starbase was currently in high orbit around a rocky planet, soon to be black hole. The planet was a rouge, not tied to any star, drifting alone in the coldness of outer space. it had likely been ejected from its parent system through a series of unfortunate slingshots a long time ago, perhaps from passing too close to a gas giant. Who knew? Ultimately it was a perfect place to establish a connection. The lone surviving Ori Mothership hovered close by, shrouded in darkness without a star illuminating it.

A loud beeping tore him from his thoughts. The sensors were picking up something odd. The main screen shimmered to life, showing…it was a large red rectangle, with white lettering. The Prior of course knew of the human's odd languages, including what they referred to as 'English'. He squinted, trying to make sense of the odd message.

It said 'From earth, with love!' and if one zoomed in close enough, the copied signatures of 31 air force personnel could be seen, lifted from their signed non-disclosure documents posthumously. Of course, the Prior didn't have that time.

The many billion tons of rock and super heavy metal had been accelerated to nearly eighty thousand miles a second, or about a third the speed of light. With its dark surface and lack of light source, the huge kinetic missile was invisible save for the colored message, illuminated by a set of floodlights. Traveling at such a high speed, even if the station had taken emergency evasive action the second it was picked up on sensors, it wouldn't have mattered.

As it were Harry only gave them enough time to ponder the message for a few seconds while the Graf Spee flipped one hundred eighty degrees and executed a full deceleration burn. The advanced ship shuddered under the massive deceleration forces.

Harry let a fraction of it bleed through the inertial dampeners for the hell of it, causing everyone to hold on to something. On-screen Potter, Carter and O'Neill watched as the Ori mothership pre-emptively positioned itself ahead of the mass of rock and metal. The action was like trying to hold off a Hurricane with a handheld battery-operated fan.

The speed made it look like both vessels were hit at once. It happened so fast blinking would have caused you to miss it. Both vessels were squashed like bugs on a windshield. A small burst of blue-white light noted their passing. The asteroid though continued on, plowing into the partially shield-covered planet.

That collision was a good deal larger and instantly spat huge amounts of radiation and light in all directions. The Spee's bridge dome polarized automatically and its shields flared bright white while off the port side the Bebop's did much the same.

"Holy shit!" O'Neill whispered, once again impressed by the amount of destruction Harry could cause with seemingly very little time and planning. The tally for today was one Sun and a dark rocky plant. Harry wore a smug look. He'd need to fashion himself a new stencil to spray paint the conning tower with.

Teal'c and Daniel quickly docked the Al'Kesh and they hightailed it back to Earth. All manner of material from the exploding planet was hurtling through space at unpredictable angles and vectors, and he didn't want to become collateral damage.

oOo

The bloodied and beaten man trembled violently as the Rod of AnguishTM slowly descended towards his exposed neck. With a terrible scream, it connected. Golden light shone from his mouth and eyes. The shadowy figure opposite him sat at ease on his throne, taking immense pleasure from watching the torture unfold.

This would no doubt have gone on for quite some time were it not for the fact that a brown and white barn owl swooped into the throne room, which landed on Anubis's shoulder and proceeded to defecate down the front of his silky midnight black robes. The letter the nocturnal animal was clutching floated up, its envelope as crimson as the man's freshly spilled blood. The owl wisely relocated onto the kneeling man's shoulder and eyed everyone suspiciously.

"SELCOB!" the letter hollered with deafening noise. The man, actually a Tok'ra closed his eyes and wished his life was over. As in dead. Right now, please.

"I FIGURE YOU'RE BUSY ON SOME CUTE LITTLE TOK'RA MISSION, SO I'LL CUT TO THE CHASE."

To send a message such as this must warrant quite an important reason. What could Harry possibly want from him?

"I THINK I LEFT MY FAVORITE MIXTAPE ON YOUR SHIP THE LAST TIME WE WERE ABROAD. COULD YOU HAVE A LOOK UNDER THE CARGO BAY BENCH CUSHION? THANKS MATE!"

The Jaffa at this point looked so shell-shocked that Jacob could have probably made a break for it, were it not for his broken ribs. There was a pause. Someone mumbled in the background.

"YEAH, I'M SENDING YOUR DAD A VOICE MESSAGE RIGHT NOW." Another pause. "…SURE, I CAN TELL HIM."

The throne room was silent for a moment.

"SAM SAYS HI."

The older Carter looked like a fish at a market, mouth open, a vacant look in his eyes. The obnoxious red origami-faced envelope turned to face Anubis.

"ANUBIS, BUDDY! HOW'S IT HANGIN?"

The semi ascended Goa'uld remained quiet.

"LISTEN, I KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT AND ALL, BUT COULD YOU LAY OFF THE TOK'RA A BIT? THEY'VE HAD A ROUGH YEAR."

It was true. Though they'd managed to save their Queen using a Sarcophagus, the Tok'ra had gotten their asses kicked six ways to Sunday in the last few months. Recruitment was down sixty percent and they were having problems with the tunnel growing crystals.

At this point Jacob was openly weeping, something three days of intense torture and abuse at the hands of his captors hadn't managed to accomplish. Secretly the Jaffa in charge of extracting information from the prisoner were impressed that a few words did what they could not, and wondered what kind of man would dare send their master such a vulgar message.

The verbal missive though had not yet run its course.

"IN EXCHANGE FOR TAKING JAMAK HERE, I GOT YOU A LIFETIME NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION. NO, NO, DON'T THANK ME. IT'S ONLY FAIR. THE USERNAME IS 'LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD AKA JIM'. SOME ARSE ALREADY MADE AN ACCOUNT UNDER 'ANUBIS'.

"BEFORE YOU ASK, 'THE REAL ANUBIS' ALSO DIDN'T WORK, NOT UNLESS YOU ADD A LOT OF NUMBERS."

The howler rotated from side to side, simulating a headshake.

"CRAZY, RIGHT? THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE. PASSWORD IS 12345, BUT YOU SHOULD CHANGE THAT RIGHT QUICK. THESE MUGGLE HACKERS HERE ON EARTH ARE SOMETHING ELSE."

On cue, the red envelope spat out a small black box with an Apple logo etched on the front. A heart-shaped sticky note was attached to it, which read 'From Harry, with love.'

"ANY WAY, GOOD CHAT. SEE YOU AROUND MATE!" and with those parting words, the envelope tore itself apart, while the Owl portkey whisked Jacob and Selmak away. Anubis sat frozen in place, as did the Jaffa and Kull around him. No one dared to move. The Semi Ascended being gracefully rose and walked out of the throne room, retiring to his seldom-used quarters. Moments later the entire Pyramid shook when an unhuman scream of rage bellowed from its center.


Another space battle! I felt a bit cheated when Anubis's Naquadah asteroid didn't slam into anything, so I made it work. :P I'd like to think that whomever Anubis assigns to study the NETFLIX receiver will get hooked on Earth TV shows. They'll think Earth is chock-full of Hok'tars with the amount of Marvel shows on there right now.