The drunk Yami Mokuba is sleeping, with his head buried between his arms on the table. He's moaning in his sleep.
Suddenly, he hears a drawl. A feeble but eerie drawl that sounds as if it is coming from far away.
Florence...
Yami mumbles something and turns his head to the side, without waking up. The drawl is heard again.
Florence...
Once more, Yami ignores it.
Suddenly, he feels that someone is shaking him violently. As he is slowly waking up, mumbling expletives, he realizes that the voice now sounds louder from before. And different. It is the voice of a stand up comedian or something. 'FLORENCE, WILL YOU FINALLY WAKE THE FUCK UP?'
With a gasp, Yami raises up back into a sitting position and sees Marik. So he is the one who has been shaking him and speaking in his ear all this time!
'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, MARIK?' the spirit in the body of a 12 year old boy snaps, indignant.
'It's time for our council,' Marik smiles at him and walks over back to his chair.
Yami scratches his head. 'Our... council?' he wonders, confused.
'Precisely, Florence,' Marik takes a seat, with his arms and legs crossed, still smiling.
'Why... why are you calling me Florence?' Yami asks, still confused.
Marik bursts into laughter. 'Oh, come on, Florence, quit jokes.' And, wiping a laughter produced tear, he carries on, this time talking to himself, 'Oh, that Florence. He's so... Florence!'
'What... what the hell is going on here?' Yami wonders out loud, shaking his head in disbelief.
Marik's face hardens. 'Okay, Florence, enough of your jokes. You're not funny anymore!'
'He's right, Florence,' a booming voice resonates across the hall. 'I don't find you funny either!' It sounds like the voice of a gargantuan crybaby.
Yami gaps. The boy slowly turns his head in surprise as a catchy theme song coming from god knows where resonates across the room.
Who's that crazy cook destroying the world? It's Zorc! (That's me!) It's Zorc and pals.
The blood of the innocent will flow without end. His name is Zorc and he's destroying the world!
'ZORC!' the 12 year old boy gasps. 'What are you doing here?'
'A better question would be what are YOU doing here, Florence,' the gargantuan, black monster replies, without opening its mouth. 'I thought we were going to destroy the world together.'
A laughtrack coming from god knows where is heard.
'You have been neglecting me so much recently,' Zorc sobs, oblivious to the laughtrack. 'We hardly ever destroy the world together anymore!'
A laughtrack is heard again.
'Zorc, it's not that simple,' Yami pinches his nose. 'I mean, you can't just go out and destroy the world like that. (Laughtrack.) Well, you can, but it's hardly fun at all. You have to do it in a more cunning and complicated way. You know, deceiving people, playing shadow games, stalking pharaohs from the ancient past. Pharaohs who just refuse to die... just as everybody else in this show, I guess.'
'See? That's what I was talking about,' Zorc cries. 'You're not the same man I married. Where is the old Florence? The Florence I knew? The one whom I would just destroy the world with without unnecessarily overthinking about it?' (Laughtrack.)
'We've been through this, Zorc,' Yami sighs. 'We're not married. We have an open relationship.'
'Oh, really?' Zorc asks sarcastically. 'And what about our son?'
'It is not proven that he's my son,' Yami argues.
'Still in denial?' Zorc sighs, obviously hurt. 'But he looks almost exactly like you. I mean, look at him! Look at him standing over there, in the arms of his adoptive mother.'
'You gave him up for adoption?' Yami gasps, surprised.
'What did you expect?' Zorc cries. 'You just walked away and I couldn't raise him all by myself.'
Yami turns his head and sees... Rebecca Hawkins holding her teddy bear!
'Say hello to your real parents, Teddy,' she babytalks and raises the stuffed doll to the level of her face.
'Jesus is a motherfucker and fucks Holy Mary everyday. All hail Satan,' the teddy bear talks in a creepy, distorted voice.
'Ain't he an adorable little cutie patootie?' Rebecca giggles.
'SILENCE!' Marik reminds everybody of his presence by slamming a hammer (which he seemingly produced out of nowhere) down on the table. 'Let our meeting commence!'
'Is everybody here?' Zorc wonders.
'Let me check,' Marik produces a list and, with his eyes on it, begins calling.
'Yami.'
'Here,' Yami raises his hand in boredom.
'Teddy.'
'Jesus has orgies with the apostles. The troops of demons shall conquer the Earth,' Teddy cries in a demonic voice, as a way of declaring his presence.
'Weevil.'
'Here,' Weevil Underwood says, chuckling like an idiot for no reason.
'Yeah, here,' Rex Raptor says, before Marik can call his name, chuckling in the same ludicrous manner as his blue haired peer.
'Wait, why are those two here, Marik?' Yami points towards the two teenagers. 'I thought this was a council for villains only. Those are more like anti heroes.'
'I decide whom to invite to my council,' Marik snaps.
'Hehe, don't worry,' Weevil keeps chuckling. 'We're here just for the chicks.'
'Yeah, the chicks, hehe,' Rex agrees. 'So where are the chicks?'
'Hey, Rex, look over there. A chick!' Weevil cries, pointing at Rebecca.
'Wow, she's hot,' Rex drools.
'I'm a kid,' Rebecca says indifferently, batting her eyes innocently.
'She's quite a hottie,' Weevil comments, oblivious to what Rebecca said.
'Still a kid,' Rebecca says.
'I think we're gonna score tonight,' Rex adds, also oblivious to what Rebecca said.
'Those two guys are freaks,' Rebecca comments. 'Don't you agree, Teddy?'
'Jesus and Magdalene are 69ing each other. Bow before Lucifer,' Teddy replies.
'Teddy says yes,' Rebecca addresses the two boys.
'Er hem,' Marik tries to draw attention anew, with his eyes closed in annoyance. 'Can you guys please be pedos in your leisure time?'
'Hello, little girl,' Pegasus, who has just arrived, cheerfully greets Rebecca. 'Do you like sausages? Cause I have a big one in my pants.'
'Pegasus! What did I just say?' Marik snaps.
'That I'm fabulous?' Pegasus guesses.
Marik facepalms.
'I feel sad,' Zorc notes. 'There is so much NOT destroying the world going on around here.' (Laughtrack.)
'Okay, all of you, enough of your bullshit,' Marik cries. 'If you are done, may we please proceed with the meeting? It's time to find a way to defeat Yugi Muto.'
Meanwhile, in an unspecified place, Yugi is standing on the edge of a cliff, with his arms crossed and a haughty expression. He's currently in his Yami mode. His multicolored hair is gracefully waving, even though no air is blowing. A song coming from nowhere is heard.
He's a pharaoh winning card games, through the break of dawn.
Don't worry about the rules, cause he's gonna screw them all.
Ohh, super special awesome.
Minor characters suck (yes sir!)
Cause card games flow through him (Yugi Muto!)
Super special awesome!
Some silence follows the song.
Finally, Yugi speaks. 'I spy with my little eye a bunch of minor characters trying to destroy me. Hah! Losers!'
Joey approaches him. 'Nyeh?' he asks. (Translation: Yugi, where are the rest of our friends?)
With his arms still crossed, Yugi turns his head to Joey. 'In the detention room, Joey,' he answers. 'I have grounded them all for using stupid catchphrases.'
Meanwhile, in the detention room...
Mai and one of Pegasuses guards (the brown haired one) point at each other.
'My boobs wonder why you talk about your hair all the time,' Mai says, in a voice that is obviously that of a man trying to sound like a woman.
'My hair wonders why you talk about your boobs all the time,' the guard says.
Ishizu, who is sitting on the floor, hugging her knees, answers, 'The answer to both your questions is because shut up!' She, too, sounds like a man trying to sound like a woman.
Bandit Keith, who is leaning against a wall, with his arms crossed, says, 'I don't care about any of this. In America!'
'So,' Marik tries to finally begin the session. 'To defeat Yugi Muto, we need the most powerful, the most destructive weapon in the universe.'
'Which is?' Yami Mokuba raises an eyebrow.
Marik remains silent for a while, for the sake of drama, with a drumroll sound coming from nowhere. He trains his eyes forward, without looking at anyone in particular nonetheless. Finally, he answers, 'Ariana Grande's ponytail!'
Marik goes silent anew, deeming it appropriate to wait for those words to sink in. Yami blinks. Zorc blinks (well, he can't close his eyes, but he did so inwardly). Pegasus gasps (he loves ponytails).
'Oh, yeah, ponytails,' Weevil drawls and chuckles for no reason.
'Yeah, ponytails,' Rex chuckles for no reason as well.
'I'm a kid,' Rebecca nonchalantly strokes her teddy bear.
'Are you... fucking serious?' Yami finally utters.
'Dead serious, Florence,' Marik answers, stroking his Millennium Rod. 'Ariana Grande's ponytail holds the answers to all secrets in the universe. Whoever possesses that ponytail becomes omnipotent.'
'But how will we convince Ariana Grande to collaborate with us?' Zorc wonders. 'She's too busy hating Americans and licking donuts.'
'Well,' Marik begins, scratching his chin, troubled. 'I could use my Millennium Rod to brainwash her.'
'Doesn't your Millennium Rod work only on persons named Steve?' Pegasus brings up.
Marik sweatdrops.
'And even if you could brainwash her, she still wouldn't be able to help us, because using real life celebrities is against Fanfiction Net's rules,' Yami points out.
Marik sweatdrops again. Silence. 'Okay, now I feel bad,' he finally says.
Yugi is still standing on the edge of the cliff. 'Heh. They have failed,' he cries. 'As I expected. Nobody can defeat me as long as I have the most powerful card ever made. Whoever has this card always wins.'
'Nyeh?' Joey asks.
'I'm serious, Joey. Here it is,' Yugi produces a card and shows it to Joey.
'Nyeh,' Joey notes. (Translation: This is not the most powerful card ever made, Yug. This is not even a card to begin with. It's just a blank piece of paper on which you wrote the 'This is the most powerful card ever made' sentence.)
Yugi's face hardens. 'You doubt the pharaoh's word, peasant?' he asks.
'Nyeh,' Joey answers. (Translation: Yes.)
Yugi's face further hardens. 'Wanna wind up in the detention room?' he asks.
'Nyeh,' Joey replies.
'Okay, that does it,' Yugi snorts.
Joey is in the detention room, curled up on the floor in a fetal position.
'My hair wonders how you ended up here, dude,' Pegasuses guard says.
'My boobs wonder the same thing,' Mai adds.
'The answer is still the same,' Ishizu answers. 'Because shut up!'
'Nyeh,' Joey cries. (Translation: Leave me alone.)
'I hate you all, suckers. In America!' Bandit Keith says.
Yugi is still standing on the edge of the cliff, gazing at the sunset. 'I wonder where Kaiba is,' he thinks.
In some unspecified place, Kaiba is on a stage, dressed like a rock star and holding a microphone and singing:
Screw the vagina, I have a vagina, screw the vagina, I have a vagina, screw the vagina, I have a vagina, screw the vagina, I have a vagina...
A sun ray penetrates the window and falls on Yami Mokuba, causing him to wake up. For real this time. He clutches his forehead in pain and dizziness.
An empty, turned over bottle of wine is on the table. Marik is sleeping across from him.
What a freaky dream that was! So these are the effects that alcohol has on physical bodies. Yami makes a mental note to never drink alcohol again.
