I wandered outside the poké center early in the morning and stared at a Castelia City map just across the street. Sylviana wanted to go shopping or whatever, so I was alone again today. Apparently this huge city had four main roads running parallel to each other with smaller avenues woven in between them, so it would be a little more than impressive to get lost if I crossed more than two streets.
Castelia Gym resided on Gym Street. No surprise there. A short ways away, I spotted a sign for the place and started walking at a snail's pace. My speed had nothing to do with my mood or exhaustion state, no, no. It was due to the sheer number of people around me.
Waves of people crashed against and past each other in this wee early hour of the morning. This city's claim to fame was its business hub, but this was a little much. So many people in suits, so many people on cell phones, and so many people making noise noise noise! What a mess. Compared to Nacrene and Striaton City, and heck, even Opelucid, Castelia sure dwarfed them in more ways than one.
I hugged my bag close to me as I joined the wall of people walking down the street. Left and right, people bumped into me, but I did the same, so I tried to ignore the anger bubbling inside. Rentable bikes lined racks at every street corner, but who could ride one in this city? As much as I wanted to jump on a bike and have an easy ride to the gym, I sucked it up and kept walking. Not like the horde of people on either side of me would allow me to break free and turn right, anyway.
Eventually (a long eventually), I made it to Gym Street. The gym stood out with the poké ball symbol painted on the roof, so I found it quite easily. I thanked whatever would hear me that this road was a ghost town compared to the rest of the city.
I took several deep breaths before stepping through the automatic doors. I got blinded by white upon entering. Before I could figure out what was so white, a guy walked up to me and held a hand up to signal me to stop.
"I'm sorry, but Castelia Gym is currently closed."
"Closed?" He had to be kidding me. The third gym in a row I went to was also not in service? Bullshit. Why was the door unlocked, even?
"Our gym leader Burgh is out right now at Studio Castelia helping with a gallery project. Until he returns, challengers cannot enter the gym." This guy sure knew how to be blunt.
"Uh, thank you." Nothing else could be said.
"I'll tell you what I tell everyone else, though. Go to Studio Castelia and ask Burgh for a battle yourself. He usually comes back and prepares the gym for a challenge soon after you do."
"Oh. Where is this studio?"
"Sorry, kid?" The man leaned down and cupped a hand around his ear. Great, I mumbled again.
"Where is Studio Castelia?" I asked, enunciating every syllable as loud as I could.
Hopefully I didn't sound condescending. That's what always tripped me up about talking. If I pronounced everything loud, clear, and slowly, I would sound like I was talking down on people. If I talked low and slurred like I usually did, people asked me to repeat myself several times over until I looked the fool. There was no winning. So I tried to opt for absolute silence. Though I supposed that made me look like an alien or asshole or something.
"Try Mode Street."
"Thank you." I kind of nodded at him and turned tail to run. When the gym disappeared behind me, I sighed. "I passed Mode Street already."
I blended into the crowd again and drifted along while gripping the strap of my bag with both hands. How I wished the day was over already. Another long time later, I managed to cross into Mode Street.
On the right stood a building with Studio Castelia printed on a sign standing outside. I double checked the name and entered. A lady immediately handed me a pamphlet and motioned for me to venture deeper into the gallery. The strange choice of spotlight lighting only on the art put me in a state of strange unease. I really hoped I wouldn't bump into something.
Paintings of varying color and readability hung on the walls. I paused to read the small pamphlet in my hand. Apparently kids from primary and secondary schools painted everything hung on the walls. Somewhere in the back area, a group of young artists had a painting workshop all of this week, too. Joy.
Seriously, if I wanted to realize how little I had done with my life, I would look in a mirror. I would admit, I wasted my life watching TV and playing video games. I wasn't even good at those two things, but they were my only "hobbies," though I couldn't say I was proud of them. As opposed to learning an instrument or drawing or playing a sport?
The violin case gathering dust in the corner of my room, sketchbook and paint set hidden away in the attic, deflated basketball under my bed that I was too lazy to take out, and bookshelf stocked with scholastic material that never saw the light of day from countless years ago spoke volumes about my passion levels.
I would just fall flat on my face as soon as I tried anything. Why would I bother embarrassing myself if I knew the outcome?
I didn't bother counting my stupid poetry. It didn't even matter. It didn't help that every person I met from school with a "special talent" made it seem as though said "special talent" was their whole personality. I got it. They were better than me. Okay. I didn't care. I accepted my wasted potential as fact.
Cynic? Check. Pessimist? Check. Jerk? Probably check. Lazy and hypocritical? Definitely check.
I woke up from my negative thoughts to see a new wall with Gems of Our Youth on a banner hanging up high. What a motif to have. Kind of pretentious if you asked me. I had to walk down this hallway to get to the back, where I assumed this Burgh-guy would be, so I looked at each painting on display.
The first was of a little kid surrounded by some rock-type pokémon. How literal. Others followed with a similar idea. So everyone else but me in school really did have fun with pokémon before I did? I still wasn't sure if I was missing out on anything.
At the end of the hall was a piece with a plaque reading Brave Jewel. Contrasting from the rest of the wall, it was a microcosm of gems made to look like some stained glass picture of a group of girls standing on a stage, all reaching a hand out to the foreground. Such vibrance and precision with each stroke of paint on the canvas, the drive and confidence written on the characters' faces, and the obvious sheer time and effort and love put into this work would probably inspire anyone who looked at it that wasn't me. Stunning, actually. I was taken aback.
I didn't think I would like it, but I did. Not that I was an artist or anything, but the colors were pretty, the content was pleasant to look at, and it was something different from the rest of this sect of the gallery. Boy, did my last reason make me sound like a hipster.
It gave the feeling of breaking new ground and bettering oneself, aiming higher and higher to stand at the top. I liked it, but didn't live it. I was still being dragged along by fate instead of letting it guide me, or however that quote went. Look at the progress I've made on my journey, then look at, say, Joel.
Apparently my brother was a battle prodigy. Ignoring a rocky beginning with a rebellious Miles the pawniard, he almost immediately found a rhythm and kept going, very rarely losing. Well, that must have been an exaggeration; he probably just never admitted to losing as much as he actually did. Who would? Either way, he won the expected eight badges in like half a year, then kept pushing himself to greater heights.
At least, that was what our mom told me. A most definitely altered tale (or maybe not, who knows), it definitely didn't instill any passion in me to go on my own journey. Joel's team was tough and ruthless. They've plenty of accolades to fall back on. I'm still taking baby steps and hanging on by a thread.
I heard a commotion and turned around. A group of girls walked my way. So, I decided to move on in case I bumped into them, despite wanting to admire the painting a little longer. Had Pawn been with me, he probably would have made me stay since I already stopped to look at it and showed interest. But he wasn't, so I ran away.
After passing by a couple more exhibits with my head down, I made it to the back room. I opened the door in time to hold it for a tall man in green to speed-walk out. Inside was a group of teenagers situated in a circle, each before an easel. The suffocating smell of paint and ink pervaded the room. Crack a window or something, damn.
Okay, now what? I asked myself. I wanted to hit myself because only then did I realize I should have just asked the receptionist at the entrance about the gym leader instead of trying to find him on my own.
"Can I help you?" one girl asked me. Too late to turn around and walk away now.
Fuck everything. Everyone looked up at me, the stranger in the room, in dead silence. Was I an exhibit in a zoo to them? Every single damn person had to turn their heads to stare? Could this day get any worse? I was already doused, marinating in self-doubt. Locking my eyes to the carpet, I said, "Is the gym leader here?"
Not missing a beat, someone else said, "He just left to run to get some paint."
Oh. Just left as in he was the guy I held the door open for? Things usually did end up like this, didn't it? All I did was nod my head and turn around. "Thanks," I managed to mumble before leaving and closing the door.
I took long strides in exiting Studio Castelia. I needed to get out and breathe, away from the people I just embarrassed myself in front of. I didn't even care about finding the gym leader anymore. Burgh was probably going to go back to that room in the gallery when he returned, so I might as well have waited for him to be at his gym instead of going back there to spare myself the grief. Even if that did take a day or so.
I turned right and kept walking with my head down. Only when the sound of beat-heavy music pervaded my ears did I look up. Yet again, the scrafty with the number-one chain danced before a bunch of people, this time near a fountain. Now, he had a partner on either side of him, scrafty Number 2 and Number 5. Number 1 was definitely shorter than his friends. I guessed seeing him was going to be a regular occurence.
The three pokémon occupied stage right of the fountain. Stage left housed three men also dancing to the same sound. To get my mind off of my first failure of the day, I joined the crowd in front of the scrafty, making it in time for the song playing to end. Once it did, however, no one applauded yet. Come on, get on with it. I wanted to be entertained.
Number 1 and the middle dancer of the men met in front of the fountain. Number 1 grabbed the man's hand by jumping just to reach it, and continued his upward burst until the arm was up in the air. Only then did the people clap energetically. Once they quieted down, the man raised Number 1's arm, eliciting a deafening applause that left the man and his crew's response in the dust.
The man hung his head and shook Number 1's hand. His friends shook the hands of the other two scrafty. The three men then dispersed, leaving the whole stage to the scrafty. Another song started up, as well as the performing pokémon.
Okay, apparently that was a dance-off or something, one that the scrafty won. So proper and respectful too. It was actually kind of funny.
I ended up staying for the whole performance, which was about five more songs, in my strange daze. Gyms, battles, social interaction, who needed that on their mind? Certainly not me.
I mindlessly dug for 2,000 poké from my bag. Once the majority of the people gave money to the scrafty, I walked up and passed my contribution into the hat Number 1 held. Numbers 2 and 5 also held their hats out, but I needed to keep something constant in my life, even if that thing was giving 2,000 poké to a street-dancing scrafty whenever I saw him.
When I turned around to go back to the poké center, I realized that I didn't remember how I got where I was. But by the way Castelia City was laid out according to the map from earlier, if I just walked back, I would wind up in the same general area as the poké center. Probably.
So I went down one street picked at random and prayed that no danger would lie in wait. Foot traffic sure died down. I walked at a snail's pace (this time of my own volition) and looked down with the occasional glance to whatever shop or building stood to my right. I wasn't one for shopping anyway. Not like Sylviana, anyhow.
Nothing piqued my interest until I came face-to-face with a huge poster reading 80% off memberships for all pokémon this week!
"Say what?" Confused, I looked up and around to realize it was for a gym. Not like a gym-battle-gym, but a workout-gym. What gave it away? How about the two machoke deadlifting huge weights next to the poster on the other side of the window of the building facing the street. One of them waved at me for some reason too.
At the sight of the weights, I thought of Rose. If she could get her arms that strong, I wouldn't have a mini heart attack every time she tried lifting her log indoors. And that 80% sure was pretty damn tempting. I actually would have gone inside and signed Rose up. Except, gyms scared me. Just going to gym class in school felt like an ordeal to me.
To step foot in a place where I was an outsider… How unwelcoming. If I went in there, people would probably just stare. At me, through me, down on me. I supposed the purpose of the gym was to reform people of my likeness, but it really seemed anything but comforting to enter. Every movement I made, an unsightly scene. Every workout attempted, an unnecessary loss of breath. Every second passed, a drop of sweat fallen that no one else shed.
I didn't have the strength to go in on my own. Too prideful and scared to even try, I convinced myself I would be judged upon entering a gym and told myself that it would be okay not even bothering. Goes to show my confidence and willpower.
Anyway, I guessed I let the prospect of Rose buffing up get to me a little too much because I somehow sent her out while I was deep in worried thoughts. I snapped out of it once I heard her log plop on the concrete below. Tell me that didn't cause damage to public property.
With a loud grunt, she poked a finger against the glass window at the machoke. The same one that waved at me waved at Rose.
"What? N-no, let's go back." Was she crazy? Did she want to join or battle him? Both were equally bad.
With maximum effort, Rose picked her log up with both hands and tapped my leg with it, almost toppling over in the process. "No-" I got cut off by Rose circling behind me and whacking my back with her log. "Stop that."
To get her to stop, I walked until she hit me again, trying to egg me into the gym. Why did I have to be such a pushover?
"No, Rose, you don't get it." Finally, she rested her log on the ground and looked up at me. "I don't want to go in."
Without listening to anything else, the timburr shook her hand and head before pointing at the gym's entrance with a big smile on her face. I wished I had her optimism and excitement. Instead, only because I saw a woman standing inside with a uniform shirt on wave at me did I open the door and let Rose run in. "Please don't go wrong."
Surprisingly, Rose had manners. She walked up to the stand the woman who waved stood at and waited for me. I reluctantly approached, every metal clang from inside the gym almost making me jump.
"Hello, welcome to Bulk Up Fitness!" the woman greeted rather energetically. She leaned down to reach eye-level with me. "How can I help you?"
Just inquire about the poster. Hopefully I could do that. Instead, I said, "I'm interested in the membership deal…"
The woman's face lit up. "Really? That's great. You're so not going to regret this!"
Why would I regret it unless this gym sucked? It looked clean and had a bunch of equipment and customers. Confused as to what she meant, I said something else. "How much is it?"
"Huh? Oh, well…" She looked at me funny and grabbed a laminated flyer that was taped to the wall behind her in plain sight. Whoops. Egg on my face again? Like I needed any more.
But what I read hit me like a slap to the face. It was the last thing that I expected to see.
"Wh-what?" Was I reading that right?
"The full membership includes full access to all machines in the gym, special classes that are held on the weekends, and a personal trainer."
She smiled at me. Not Rose. Me. A smile that shone an artificial spotlight on me that burned my eyes.
"Your trainer will walk you through a personalized exercise and diet regimen that gets results!"
"I…" Shut up. Please shut up and stop smiling at me like that.
"Trust me. My friend was overweight, but she really wanted to change that. So, she joined this membership and came here every day. Eventually, she lost all her extra weight and looks fabulous now!" She keeps going, talking and talking like she's paid to. The woman put a hand on her stomach for extra effect. Oh, was there an extra effect. "It's so worth the price."
My mind fizzled out. My face went on fire. My heart raced faster and faster, pounding in my ears. Every time I opened my mouth, my breath hitched and I was left looking like an idiot. How could I react to that?
Why couldn't I run away?
"Are you okay?" The woman touched my arm. "I know this is a really big step for you, but just know that you're so brave for doing this. I know other people like you wouldn't. Weight loss journeys are always so tough to start, but you can definitely slim down in no time! Just doing small things in addition to coming here can help, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator or drinking water instead of soda." She pointed at the juice bottle on the outside pocket of my bag meant for Rose. God, shut up. "I can tell you're having trouble right now, but if you get a little more self control, imagine how much better you'll become. You're still young. You'll be pretty and popular for sure."
Her words pelted me like rocks on a sandcastle. That is to say, I felt like I was collapsing in on myself. But there were no soothing waves to wash me away from this place.
Just shut up. No one asked you. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't need to hear that. My throat clogged up and my eyes lost focus. What did she expect me to say? Thanks? In what world would I do that?
I took a long breath before I mustered the ability to speak again. "I…" Every time I blinked, my vision got blurrier and blurrier. I just want it to stop. Stop the lump in my throat, the woman's expectant look at me, time...
"My timburr wanted the membership."
Unknowing Rose cried out at her mention. The woman gasped and peered over the counter at my timburr and covered her mouth. "Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. I…"
I couldn't talk. Even if I wanted to, what would I say? Fuck you? Why would you say that? I'm not fat? All such wrong answers.
I felt a warm droplet slide down my left cheek and slapped my hand over it to cover it up. I'd give anything to know how to stop this from happening. When I opened my mouth again, instead of words, a mangled gasp came out. I bit my lip and put my other hand in a fist over my face to attempt to hide it.
"Oh, my god, I'm sorry." The woman panicked, but no matter what she did, she couldn't help me. I only prayed to some god above that she didn't see the tear that slipped out. As if my blazing face wouldn't be a dead giveaway.
My nails pierced my palms. As much as I wanted to run away, my legs refused to move. If I let go of my mouth, I knew I would start full-on crying. And my head was completely empty. I could feel my brain frying.
Why? Why did this happen? I was such a baby. I was much closer to 18 than 17, and there I stood, having a breakdown in public over something only I found issue in. Pathetic.
Poor Rose pulled on my pant leg as I tried to forcibly eliminate all the pooled tears from my eyes by rubbing them. She probably didn't know better.
I managed to reach a state of utter shame without showing too many obvious signs by the time another woman came to take the first one's place. So she ran away from this mess she made. Nice to know she was able to do that.. "Did something happen? Are you okay?"
"Y-yes."
"Your eyes are kinda red. Are you sure?"
So she didn't know? All the better. "Just allergies." I forced the words out.
"Oh, well, here's a tissue." She pulled out a tissue pack from her sweatshirt and handed me one. "Sorry, is it the dust? One of our other regulars said the same thing earlier. We've been renovating this area lately, so there's a little more dust than there usually is."
She really didn't know. One less person I ridiculed myself in front of today. "Kind of. I'll be fine."
"If you're sure. Anyway, my coworker said you wanted a membership for your friend there, I think?" The woman pointed at Rose.
"Yes."
"Then let's get to it. If you sign up today, there's an 80% discount for her for a yearly membership!" She slid a paper my way with a bunch of text on it.
With this membership, Rose would get full access to equipment and services 24/7 in all Bulk Up Fitness gyms in Unova. The price was damn good without the discount, even, too, all things considered.
If I talked more than I had to, I would start breathing funny and probably cry, I knew. Because I never went out besides for school and never talked when I didn't have to, this situation hadn't happened for years. Again, I forced myself to speak. "We would like that."
"Great!"
I signed some sheet, handed over the money, set Rose up to take a membership photo, and waited for everything to be finalized. It went by in a flash thanks to the previous exchange playing on a loop inside my head. So many things that could have gone different. So many things I could have done different. Once the woman came back to us with an ID card with Rose's picture on it on a lanyard, she waved us off and addressed another customer.
Right after I took the card and motioned for Rose to go crazy, the timburr wandered over to the weights rack. I reluctantly followed her.
Near the rack was a sitting space against the wall that I collapsed in. Covering my mouth again, I took deep breaths and did my best to pretend that the first interaction never happened.
Rose hopped onto the spot next to me and scratched the back of her head while making an uncomfortable groan.
"Huh?" She was supposed to be lifting, not bothering with me. "What? Just go work out or whatever."
Rose rooted through my bag (it seemed everyone did that as of late) and pulled out a napkin. She probably only knew where to get that because I always took one out to pass to her whenever she got sweaty from lifting the dumb log for too long.
"What?" Wasn't this embarrassing. I slowly took the napkin and rubbed my face with it, hoping nobody looked our way. Why did she know to do this? Guessed I should have given her more credit than I did. "Thanks, I guess."
She hopped back down to the weights and took her time picking one. Countless dumbbells (countless only because I couldn't care less about how many there were) lined the rack. I noted Rose ditched her log by my feet.
When Rose picked two small weights to practice lifting, I stopped looking up and instead glared at the floor. As she rhythmically grunted just a few feet away, I stewed in negative thoughts pertaining to the first worker I talked to. Wishing bad things on her, on me… I regretted it all.
No one told me this would be part of my journey. I supposed it was my own fault in a way for not saying what I meant clearly, but boy did that lady go overboard on her excitement to "help" me. No one would want to hear that. Did she really think I was that much of a loser? To ease my self-loathing and shame, I blamed it all on her. Much easier for me. Plus, it wasn't wrong.
I stared at the seconds hand ticking on my wristwatch to calm down and pass the time. And yes, that was the reason I had one on top of an Xtransceiver. A minute elapsed, then two, five, ten.
After about an hour, Rose stopped her workout and put the equipment she used back in their places. Good manners, I would admit. She walked up to me and sat on her log. Was she tired, bored, or other? I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I wanted to leave. "Done?"
She clasped her hands together and kicked her legs with a grunt. Did she do something wrong? That's what her behavior read.
"What?" How many times had I asked that this week? Before I could muster any other words, Rose somehow returned herself and left me alone inside the gym. At least that meant I could leave.
How I wished that were easy to carry out. Many other people and pokémon filled the gym. Had I not kept my head down, I probably would have noticed them coming in. So all I had to do was leave the gym as inconspicuously as I could and pray that no one stared at me.
I gripped my bag strap and glued my eyes to the ground again. Only then did I manage to stand up and scurry to the exit.
Sweet relief hit me just as the sun did. I took a right and kept walking at my fastest speed, forcing the heavy breaths I wanted to make to come out as shallow ones. I stopped at a crosswalk once the pedestrian light turned red and finally looked around as I caught my breath.
An equal amount of people flooded the streets as this morning. Except instead of being stressed suits, they were other teenagers and kids. Not like that made me feel any more uneasy or anything.
A bunch of small restaurants and entertainment centers clustered at this intersection. The one place that managed to catch my attention was a cafe just a few strides away. From the big signs posted for passersby to see, this place offered internet and computer services.
My mind wandered to The Goddesses Above, an online game I played every day at home since its advent a few months ago. Before I left Opelucid City, I stayed at home playing video games whenever I didn't have to go to school. But since I started my journey, I had to give it all up because I couldn't exactly bring my computer with me everywhere I went.
Also, playing games would hinder my journey's progress. I had to think of it as motivation to get my eight gym badges as soon as possible. That line of thinking got me out the door and all the way to Nuvema Town. But now, it made me wish I never left the house at all.
Realizing my day had been a nightmare and that I just didn't care, period, I shifted gears and entered the cafe offering internet. Really, this day couldn't get any worse, so I didn't fear interacting with a worker as much as I would have any other day.
I managed to not fuck everything up. After lining up in a queue and paying for eight hours at a private computer booth, I went in and settled down. More like I melted into the chair before the computer and inhaled and exhaled a bunch. To stop whatever feelings remained from earlier from making me break down, I ended up breathing into the crook of my arm and trying to force myself to stop freaking out by biting my lip off.
I managed to compose myself eventually. It always was eventually. When I did, I put my hands on the computer and checked for the one thing I wanted. And thank God it was there.
The Goddesses Above's icon stared at me from the desktop. It was a pretty popular game, after all. I launched it and logged in. The familiar music and visuals made me relax and gave me a goal. The four main characters offered their hands to me on the loading screen, and of course I took them. I looked up all the updates and events, and for the first time today smiled.
Yes, Fallen Neptune is the focus of this event! I cheered internally. Never would I talk to myself aloud. My favorite character had a whole new quest line for the next full week, and I couldn't wait to play it all. But, fuck, I missed so many other events.
I got to work. I leaned into the monitor and adjusted my glasses. I had something to keep me occupied for a while. An unmotivated fat girl walks into an internet cafe and doesn't leave. Well, until night fell, of course. Only then did I leave to go back to the poké center. What, were you expecting, a joke?
The next day? I went back to the cafe and spent a whole twelve hours playing until I went back to the poké center again. The same went for the next day. And the next. And the next. And so on. Maybe I stayed for the next event for Fallen Plutia as well.
It was so much easier than dealing with my journey, I had to admit.
~X~
The glass house I call home serves me refuge
from pushes in every direction no matter how strong
to shakes and quakes right to it's very core
and screaming coming from the world outside.
It resonates with the glass jar in my chest
that serves the same purpose.
But all great things aren't meant to last.
It puts up a brilliant fight until a crack forms,
and that crack spreads and grows until
the floor disappears from beneath my feet
and I start falling.
No matter how I flail and reach for anything to save me,
nothing is going to protect me now.
I kiss the ground and am now vulnerable
to sticks, stones, words, and despair.
Not knowing anything that lied beyond the glass walls,
I sink into the glass shards and bury myself in them,
trying to hide from fears I know not yet of
while defeat writes itself on my forehead.
But the reason for its collapse is that
I was too much too handle; I broke it from the inside.
And so, it let me fall.
Even still, I choose to keep hiding in it.
Author's note: And Eloise falls. I hope her being overweight wasn't too out of left field; I think I kind of hinted at it enough previously, like during the Rose chase. And also hopefully it's not too shallow; it is a factor in her cynicism, and will come up again in future chapters. Truth be told, I actually based that trait as well as Eloise's anxieties (gym, image, failure, and so on) on personal experience, so I can vouch for its plausibility. To end on a higher note, why not check out "Brave Jewel" by Roselia.
