A few weeks after Lena had the conversation with Alex, the Danvers sisters were sitting on the couch in Kara and Lena's condo watching movies and eating food that always made Lena beg Kara to eat vegetables the next day. They had both been working far too much in the recent week and the venting and ranting they usually engaged in was at a minimum as both women were so drained, they just wanted to enjoy being happy with each other. Lena had called and said she was stuck at the office trying to finalize some work, leaving out that she was working overtime so in a few weeks when she proposed, she and Kara could celebrate without her having to rush to the office. All that to say, they were enjoying their time together and Alex swore she would stay till Lena got home since the CEO knew Kara had had an exhausting week and she felt guilty leaving her lover alone to rest.
Midway through the second movie Kara fell asleep and while Alex held out longer, she also fell asleep soon after her sister. Alex doesn't know how long they had been asleep for, when she feels pressure on her leg that causes her to open her eyes slightly. She sees Kara with her head in her sister's lap, holding Alex's leg like you would a pillow for comfort. Alex was about to close her eyes again and just make peace with how her back would hurt when they woke up, but something stopped her: she heard her sister whimper. Alex knew from childhood that this was likely just a bad dream and as long as someone soothed Kara she could sometimes sleep through it. Alex gently rubbed her sister's shoulder, careful not to wake her.
"Kara, its ok. It's just you and me here and Lena will be home soon. Just sleep some more ok." Alex was concerned when this did not seem to help her sister and instead caused her to cling to Alex's leg harder and begin to cry in earnest. Alex was now fully awake and while Kara wasn't hurting her, the pressure against her leg was enough to tell Alex that Kara needed to be woken up from this dream, not kept trapped in it.
"Kara, listen to me. You are ok and safe here, but you gotta open your eyes for me and wake up. I'm right here, ok. Kara!" Alex shook her sister's shoulder harder than she normally would. Kara started to stir a little and her arm moved from around Alex's leg but only because the superhero was now holding her arms against herself, almost in a fetal position. This was only made worse for Alex when she could hear Kara talking, but it wasn't normal talking: she was begging, out loud for someone not to leave her. Alex kneeled by the couch and took Kara's hands in her own and squeezed them as hard as she could to bring her sister back to reality. Kara's eyes shot open and she frantically searched around her.
"Alex?" Kara was shaking and seemed more scared than Alex had ever seen, which was saying something.
"I'm right here Kara, its ok. You just had a nightmare, but its ok. You and I are at your place and if you let me call Lena she can get home in like 20 minutes." Alex would've already been calling Lena except Kara now had a vice grip on her sister's hands. The crying continued and Kara shut her eyes the way people do when they want the memory or image in their head to go away. Kara let go of her sister only to bring her hand over her eyes as she continued to cry.
"Hey, Kara. Just listen to my voice. You are safe here and nothing is gonna happen here. But you gotta look at me so we can even out your breathing." Kara sat up all of a sudden and seemed to be gasping for air at the very mention of breathing normally.
"Loud." Kara was grabbing at her ears like she did when they were kids and Alex understood to a point. Alex climbed on the couch again and held out her hand to her sister.
"Kara, I know its loud right now, but let me help. Ok? Can I hug you or is that gonna be worse?" Alex was answered by her sister all but throwing herself onto Alex who took the damn hint and hugged her now sobbing sister. Alex managed to dig her phone out of her pocket with her free hand and she held it up to Kara.
"Kara, I'm gonna call Lena and have her come home ok? I'm just calling Lena." Kara didn't answer her with anything more than a slightly lighter squeeze to allow Alex to move better to make the call. She hit Lena's name in her favorites and hoped the CEO was near her phone and not fussing in the lab where she can't hear or answer it.
"Alex I am so sorry, I know its late, but I am almost done and then I am…" Lena had picked up after a few rings and launched right into an apology, but Alex had to cut her off.
"No, you need to come home now." For the first time since she answered the phone Lena could hear something in the background behind Alex's voice and she knew it was crying and her heart sank.
"What happened? Is she alright?"
"Physically yes, but she was having a dream or a nightmare I guess and it kept getting worse and she was crying. I woke her up and the things that usually help when she has panic attacks aren't working. She keeps saying "it's loud" and tugging at her ears like when we were little and she couldn't control her powers." Alex could hear Lena swearing as she grabbed her things and told security to get her driver out front now.
"Ask her how loud it is." Alex was confused by the request because what did it matter, whatever Kara was hearing could be miles away.
"Lena, it doesn't matter, just please come home as fast as you can."
"I'm getting off the elevator now and I see my car so I will be there in 20 minutes, but I need you to ask her how fucking loud it is Alex. Just trust me on this." Lena didn't usually snap at Alex in a harsh way unless she had to so Alex knew better than to refuse her twice.
"Kara. Lena is on her way home, but she wants to know how loud it is. Can you tell me that?" Kara tried to speak, but her breathing still wouldn't let her. Alex could tell she was trying, "Kara, can you show me, or write it down?" Kara grabbed the remote off the coffee table with shaking hands and turned on the TV and found the folder she was looking for and pointed to the screen right before her crying became a lot more forceful. Alex was understandably confused, but she looked at the screen and asked Lena, "Lena she can't talk very well right now, but she used the remote to open up the movies section on your smart TV."
"What movie?" Lena asked like this made perfect sense so Alex answered her. "Star Wars: A New Hope." Alex heard Lena swear under her breath and alert her driver, "break the speed limit, I will pay for whatever ticket we get."
"Lena what is she talking about?"
"Alex, it is very hard to explain over the phone. I will be home in ten minutes so just please try and keep her as calm as possible and I will explain when I get there." The phone call died and Alex went back to holding Kara, this time running her fingers threw her hair as she cradled her baby sister in her arms. It killed Alex to not know what was wrong, but she knew that this was one of the times that Lena was going to have to help Kara and Alex needed to just be supportive of them both. Alex hummed songs as she held onto her sister and she never felt 10 minutes pass slower in her entire life. Her phoned buzzed that Lena was downstairs and she breathed a small sigh of relief and quietly told Kara.
"Lena is almost home ok Kara. She is downstairs waiting for the elevator so she will be up here in less than a minute ok? Just hang in there a little longer." For the first time Kara responded by nodding her head. Alex couldn't remember feeling more relieved than when Lena came through the front door calling for Kara. Lena unceremoniously dropped her bag, keys and anything she was holding at the door, rushing to the couch. She sat on the opposite side of Kara and Alex helped lift Kara up so she was sitting and when she caught sight of Lena she managed to mumble 'I'm sorry' before tugging at her ears again as the tears kept coming. Lena reached out to Kara and of course the blonde collapsed in her girlfriend's arms. Alex watched as Lena remained as stoic as she could while she solely started to soothe Kara.
"It's ok love, you don't have to be sorry for anything ok? You didn't do anything wrong. It was just a nightmare." Alex had seen panic attacks in her sister before, but this, she had never witnessed before and Lena seemed oddly skilled at handling it. Lena gently picked up Kara's head and laid it with her ear flat against Lena's chest.
"Baby, just listen to my heart beat ok. I know it is loud, but let's even your breathing and then I will help you make it quiet." Lena made eye contact with Alex over Kara's head and the elder Danvers sister looked more helpless than Lena has ever seen her before and she knew how that felt. Lena held out her hand to Alex and when the Agent took it she offered a supportive squeeze before returning her hand to Kara. They stayed like that for a good 10 minutes until Kara could take full breaths, at which point Lena helped her sit up so she could look at her girlfriend. Finally being able to breathe easier allowed Kara to look Lena in the eye and she looked so scared that Lena wasn't sure what to do first to help.
"Sorry."
"No darling, no need to be sorry. You didn't do anything to be sorry for."
"I let them all die Lena, all of them." Lena knew this part of trauma well: I'm scared and upset so I'm showing it as anger.
"Kara, you didn't let anyone die. There was nothing you could've done."
"I could've SAVED them Lena! But I just watched them fucking die. I lived and they ALL died and left me alone! How is that fair? I should've been with them." Lena's heart broke for Kara because she knew that Kara only ever spoke like this when she had flashbacks of home and the day she lost it, but it broke her heart to hear her lover speak about how she could have done more to save her planet and family. Alex wanted so badly to say something to help and get Kara to calm down, but Lena waved her off. Lena instead handed Kara the pillow closest to her knowing what was coming. Kara grabbed it and buried her face into it before letting out the most heartbreaking scream Lena had ever heard and the CEO watched Alex become tearful as they both watched it happen. Lena gently took the pillow out of Kara's hands after she stopped screaming and gently climbed onto her girlfriend's lap, facing her so that they were face to face.
"Darling, look at me please." Kara looked up with some encouragement and Lena gently rested her forehead against Kara's as she gently cupped her hands over her girlfriend's ears. "Just listen to me ok love. You are not alone anymore. You have your sister and Eliza. You have your friends and your work. And my dearest love, you have me and I am not going anywhere, alright? I'm so sorry they died and that you were alone for so long, but you found a home, now you and I have built a home and there will never ever be a time you'll be alone again." Kara looked up and nodded, accepting a quick kiss from Lena.
"Now, tell me what will help you wind down." Kara thought about it and tried to gage what she still needed to feel better.
"Shower please." Lena nodded and after one more kiss she stood up from Kara's lap and pulled the blonde up with her. As they made their way towards the bedroom, Kara stopped and looked at her sister.
"Will you still be here when I get out?" Alex offered her sister a tearful smile, "I am exactly where I need to be Kara. Take your time. I'm not leaving." Kara nodded and left the room with Lena. Lena got the shower going in their bedroom, put Kara's music on through the controls for the high tech shower and pointed toward the door.
"I'm just going to be in the kitchen ok. Just call if you need me, otherwise take your time ok." Kara nodded and offered Lena a kiss before she left the bathroom. Lena left the bedroom door ajar so she could hear when Kara got out of the shower and as she entered the kitchen she found Alex leaning against the counter with her arms crossed, not in anger, but almost like she didn't know what to do when not given a job to do. Lena entered the kitchen and reached for two glasses before grabbing a bottle from their bar and setting the glasses between her and Alex.
"I promised you an explanation once I got home and since she is finally calm, or at least as calm as I can make her while she is conscious, I suppose you'd like that explanation now." Lena filled her and Alex's glasses with whiskey and didn't bother paying attention to how much she poured.
"Yes, I'd like it now. First question: what the hell did I just witness?" Lena eyed Alex carefully, almost to warn the agent to watch herself. She gestured toward the drink she poured for Alex, "you're going to want to start drinking that now if you want a full answer. And watch the tone, I know you are scared, so am I, but I am not the enemy here."
Alex took her glass and after drinking half of it in one gulp she looked at Lena, "I'm sorry. I just have never seen her like that before. I've seen panic attacks and anxiety attacks, but she hasn't done the ear thing since…I don't know the first year she got here."
"It wasn't a panic attack per say, more of a flashback that likely triggered some other PTSD symptoms and with her past her brain just goes down the list of symptoms and makes sure she experiences them all. For you or I, that type of experience would be the closest thing to a mental breakdown we can have without losing touch with reality. It's why none of the things that usually help seemed to have any effect this time." Lena sipped her drink and seemed lost in thought as she waited for follow up questions from Alex. For her role in this, Alex had finished her drink and was pouring more into her glass.
"So this has happened before?" Lena nodded.
"It has, though each time has been different in terms of severity. Once it happened and she couldn't stand having me touch her so I literally got on the floor and mirrored her so she could see me without having me touch her. Another time she needed so much grounding I had to do a sort of kangaroo hold so she could feel skin on skin. This particular combination of symptoms is one of the worst she's had, which is…terrifying." Lena couldn't stop the stray tears that escaped and Alex saw the same fear she felt written across Lena's face. Alex threw back the rest of her drink and stood in front of the CEO.
"Would it be ok to offer you a hug right now?" Lena nodded her head and fell against Alex's shoulder and softly cried. After both women felt a little better Alex backed away and returned to her drink, again refilling it.
"So the flashback, it's of watching her home get destroyed I assuming from what she said about them dying and leaving her alone."
"Yes. Even though it has happened several times before, it doesn't happen often. Although it is usually after you all have been busier than usual at the DEO. I think when she is exhausted physically and emotionally after working too hard as Supergirl, Kara is the one who pays the price with this. After being able to save some many people her very human brain can only focus on the people she wasn't able to save." Alex nodded because that made sense psychologically, and seemed to match up to their current pattern of work over the last few weeks.
"And what she said when she started yelling, what the hell was that? She has never talked like that before." Lena looked at Alex and seemed to be choosing her words carefully.
"Alex, you might not like the answer to that question."
"I'm a big girl Lurthor, just tell me." Lena knew better than to argue, but also knew that Alex would likely become more upset.
"She very rarely speaks like that. But with this flashback or nightmare, whatever it truly is, all she remembers is watching everything she ever knew and everyone she ever loved, disappear right before her eyes and she was powerless to stop it. For her, or for her brain anyway: if her family's destiny was to die, then it was her destiny to die with them as a family. And yet, here she is. She and Clark survived and she was sent to world that doesn't like things it cannot explain and it sure as hell doesn't like anyone who is different. It's survivors guilt amplified." Lena poured more alcohol for herself as she let Alex try to take in what she said.
"So…wait…are you saying she gets suicidal when she has this dream? And it's happened before? Why the fuck didn't you call me the first time she talked like that?" Alex got more in Lena's face than was warranted and Lena responded in kind as she pushed Alex away from her, not hard, but enough to get the agent to back off. Having had several glasses of some of Lena's finer liquor, the agent was in no shape to fight back and she was honestly surprised Lena's pushed her at all, but Alex also knew she had hit a nerve.
"Because when she calmed down and I reached for the phone to call you she freaked out Alex. She didn't want you to worry more than you already do. She didn't want to be paraded around for her friends and family to feel sorry for. I handled it! I got her help! I figured things out with her! I fucking handled this storm so that you didn't go to sleep at night thinking that you might lose her, not to an alien, but to her own fucking brain. I handled this because you are NOT the only person who loves her. I would have lost her too, so just fucking remember that." Lena was shaking from the mix of emotions, adrenaline and alcohol and Alex never felt so damn guilty than she did watching Lena fire back at her. Lena buried her head in her hands and stifled a frustrated cry before looking back at Alex.
"I won't lose her Alex. I promised you I'd protect her and I will. She is the only person who EVER loved me as I am without an agenda. I would do absolutely anything to protect that. If I thought she was going to hurt herself truly I would fucking call you, you know that, but I had to show her that I love her enough to not turn and run at the first sign of hardship. I had to show her that we could find a way to survive this together. And that is what I did." Alex nodded, knowing that saying I am sorry right now would not be smart instead she remembered one other detail.
"That is why you asked me to ask Kara how loud they were." Lena nodded, "you've seen her panic attacks where she struggles for words and breath. This way I know how intense the hearing is, I know if it is safe to touch her, I know if I am out of my depth and to call for help etc." Alex thought it was an oddly brilliant way of communicating Kara's needs when she wasn't able to talk normally. She pointed to the other room where the TV was still set to play the Star Wars movie.
"So what does Star Wars mean? Why when she said that did you make your driver get you home double time?"
"You are familiar with the movies I trust?" Alex nodded so Lena continued. "In A New Hope, the scene just after Darth Vader blows up Alderaan, you see Obi-Wan Kenobi fall back and look pained and overwhelmed. When Luke Skywalker asks him what is wrong, do you remember what he says to him?" Alex had watched the moves a few times each, but couldn't remember the line.
"He says, 'It is as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.' That is what Kara essentially heard that day Krypton was destroyed, she heard all those voices cry out and then in the next second she heard absolute dead silence and I don't which was more painful. Usually being able to control the noise level she hears helps her come out of it. That's why she is listening to music in the shower. She gets to pick the noise she hears, how loud, if there are words or not. She is in control and that helps her get her balance of her powers back after these episodes." Alex was glad that at least Kara and Lena figured out how to help Kara get her equilibrium back. Alex knew Lena was less angry than she had been a few moments before so she took the chance to say what she should have said earlier.
"I'm sorry. For what I said and for yelling at you. I trust you with Kara, and I hope you know that, but…I don't care that she and I are both adults now and that she has super powers, to me she is always the kid sister I have to protect and I am bad at turning that off. But I shouldn't have taken that out on the other person who wants to love her and keep her safe and happy."
Lena smiled and nodded in her stoic manner, "apology accepted and I appreciate your honesty. Again, I know this is scary, but this is not an impossible thing Alex. This is just a matter of us learning how she needs to heal and it might be a lifelong thing. And that is ok by me. Even though I don't want her suffer her whole life, as long as she lets me help her, I'm not going anywhere."
"Good. Neither am I, so I guess we're stuck with each other." Lena smiled and nodded. "I do believe that is how families work. Or so Kara tells me." They are interrupted with another voice entering the conversation.
"What have I told you? Was it something smart? I bet it was." Kara emerges from the bedroom in sleep shorts and a t-shirt of Lena's. Her hair is wet and is hanging down around her shoulders as she walks over to Lena and holds her against her from behind.
"You always tell me smart things, except after you watch the most recent documentary on finding bigfoot."
"Lena I am an alien, I can't deny the possibility that he exists." Lena turned around in Kara's arms and was smirking as though her girlfriend had made her point of her. Lena gently put her hands on the sides of Kara's head. "How are you feeling love?" Kara smiled briefly.
"I'm ok now. The shower helped to help me even out after you came home." Lena nodded and agreed that Kara certainly seemed to be doing better.
"How's the noise now? Still Star Wars?"
"No more Star Wars. Its back to what it normally is for me." Lena offered the superhero and quick kiss, "good, now we actually watch A New Hope when we got to bed and it can be fun for you."
"You just want to watch Carrie Fisher save the day and then rant at the end of the movie that the boys get rewarded for basically not doing much."
"Kara, she gives them medals and she was braver than either of them. It is just science. And Carrie Fisher, may she rest forever in Rao's light, deserved a better hairdo." Kara smiled genuinely and this made Alex feel better as she watched her sister slip back into regular conversations, albeit nerdy ones, with her girlfriend.
"It is such a turn on when you get worked up over nerdy things." Kara would've been bolder in that moment if Alex hadn't cleared her throat. Kara blushed when she looked at her sister. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said the last bit out loud."
"Hey, you can be nerdy and horny with each other some other night when I am not sleeping in your guest room. I have had a lot to drink while you showered and I am exhausted so I assume its ok that I crash here." Kara moved away from Lena and went over to her sister and hugged her.
"You can always stay here, you know that." Kara pulled away and looked guilty, "Alex I'm…"
"If sorry is the next word out of your mouth, please don't say it. These kind of things aren't something we get to control Kara. I just wish I had known what to do to help, but I think maybe this is something that Lena is gonna have to be point person on. You two seem to have a system in place and you feeling safe and loved is all I care about. But you know you can tell me anything right?" Kara looked over at Lena and guessed at what they had been arguing about while she was in the shower. She didn't hear details because she was trying not to, but she could guess.
"I'm sorry love, but she had to know." Kara wasn't mad, just embarrassed and Alex caught that too. "Hey, its ok Kara. Everyone needs to be held up sometimes, even superheroes. Just promise me you will let yourself be held up when you need it."
"I promise." Alex hugged her sister tighter than normal before she let go, "good, then go watch your movie with your girl and please keep your hands to yourselves till I leave in the morning." Alex walked towards the guest room, knowing that her sister was in good hands for the remainder of the evening. Lena leaned over and kissed Kara's cheek as she put the glasses in the sink.
"Alex has the right idea. We should get some rest, you especially. Sleep always helps when this happens." Kara nodded as she followed Lena back to their bedroom and she climbed directly into bed while Lena got undressed from work and into her Pj's. When she did join Kara the blonde snuggled into her body and just seemed to want to stay there.
"I love you and I'm sorry if I scared you." Lena let Kara snuggle into her as much as she wanted and she soaked in that warmth and kissed the top of her head.
"I love you so much and it was scary when Alex called, but you let me help you and at the end of the day, that is all that matters Kara. That you let the people who love you help you. You taught me that also."
"I am so smart Lena." Kara yawned at the end of the sentence and Lean smiled as she dimmed the lights in the room. "You are the smartest lover I have." Kara mumbled an insult as she fell asleep and it made Lena smile as she did the same.
