Some mention of past suicidal thoughts/actions. Mostly Lena and Alex friendship.
The weekend after Thanksgiving, Kara had convinced Lena to set up their tree so they could enjoy it as long as possible: something that Eliza assured Lena had been a part of Kara's personality ever since her first Christmas with them. That Sunday however, Kara had been asked to go over some routine trainings with new agents at the DEO, essentially teaching them how to work in conjunction with the superhero. Kara tried to get out of the training as many times as Alex could stand her begging, until Kara finally offered an alternative.
"Fine I will stay and babysit the new agents, but you have to go stay with Lena till I get home."
"What, no. I guarantee you she is just doing paperwork or working on a project and I would just be in her way. Besides Kara, I have my own girlfriend I could be spending time with, I think yours's can survive on her own for the day."
"But she shouldn't have to!" Kara's voice boomed in Alex's lab and the older Danvers sister was taken aback. Kara never snapped like this unless she had a damn fine reason for it. Alex saw honest fear in her sister's eyes and had no clue what in the hell she was about to agree to, but she knew this was something that had to be done or Kara would simply leave the agency and they really did need her.
"Ok, Kara, ok. I'll go check in on her."
"Alex, please, I will give you whatever you want, just please stay there till I am done here. Please." Now Alex, knew for certain something was wrong because Kara never begged for anything, she asked for things sure, but her pride kept her from ever truly begging. Alex nodded and they were interrupted by Kara being called for and with a quick hug and kiss on her sister's cheek Kara was gone and Alex was left to go home and wonder what the hell she had just been tasked with. Alex arrived at the condo maybe 30 minutes later. She strolled into the lobby and was greeted by the security guard manning the front desk.
"Afternoon Dr. Danvers."
"Hey Jimmy, how was your holiday?"
"Pretty good. I got to spend the day with my wife and our girls who are visiting from college. I trust you all had a good holiday."
"We did, now we're just setting up for Christmas."
"Never a dull moment at the end of the year. Well, it looks like Ms. Luthor and your sister cleared you for independent entry today so go ahead on up." Alex made a face at that. She had been on the security list at Lena and Kara's building since before they moved in together, so telling her she had clearance again was odd.
"Jimmy I thought I was already on the security list."
"Oh, yes ma'am, But every year since Ms. Lurthor has lived in that condo she blocked out a block of days right after Thanksgiving where almost no one was allowed up. Your sister was the first person to get added to that list, honestly, come to think of it, you are the second. She must really trust you."
"Any idea why the security block?" Jimmy shook his head. "No ma'am and it's not really my business to ask, but I know it is a hard couple of days for her, but she always bounces back."
Alex smiled, "she is good at that. Thanks Jimmy." Alex rode up to the penthouse in silence and even though she had a key to get in she knocked before using it. Alex walked in the front door and was rather surprised to find that the normally well-lit home was, well, dark. There were lamps on here and there, but the shades were all drawn, only allowing for minimal light to come in through the windows.
"Lena, it's Alex. Kara had to do a training with the newbies and she asked me to come make sure you didn't break your neck getting Christmas decorations out." Alex dropped her bag and keys by the door and heard some music coming from Lena's home office so she called out again.
"Lena, you home?"
"I'm in the office Alex." Alex turned the corner and found the CEO in her office filing something away and tidying her desk. She looked up at the agent and offered a brief smile before she finished cleaning up her office.
"I heard you say something about Kara training some fledgling agents. I assume that means she will be home later than she intended."
"It depends, they all need to learn how to work around Supergirl and when to work as a solid team. I told Kara that if they were truly not getting it to send them all home by 4pm. So, she'll be home for dinner, but she said she didn't trust you not to break the Christmas decorations. So she sent me as Bravo team." Lena grabbed her laptop and pointed toward the door.
"Well they are in the storage closet so we can help ourselves, if in fact that is what Kara actually sent you here for." The CEO marched past Alex with all the swagger she had when she wear power suits, even though she was wearing a hoodie of Kara's and leggings. Alex followed Lena to the closet that the couple keeps their decorations for various occasions in and after Lena put her computer down on the kitchen counter she joined Alex inside the closet which was large enough to be used like a walk in closet.
"So Christmas décor is on those 4 shelves and the lights are all in the box on the top shelf just to keep them from being broken. So we should be able to do this without much fuss and without any major breaks." Lena grabbed one box and handed it to Alex and soon grabbed another one herself and led the elder woman from the living room where they set the boxes down near the tree. They did this once more with Alex grabbing the box of lights as well so that all the decorations where accessible to the couple as they decorated.
"I promised Kara I wouldn't decorate without her so that is literally as much help I could possibly need in terms of the decorations." Lena usually wasn't one to mix words or not be up front with what she wants, but Alex got the feelings she was waiting for Alex to take the hint and just leave on her own accord. While normally Alex was all about giving Lena her space, Kara's behavior and everything else about today had caused her to be concerned.
"Look Lena, I can feel that you want me to leave you alone and I will if that is what you truly want, but I don't think it is." Lena crossed her arms in front of her chest almost protectively and Alex knew she had likely hit a nerve.
"And what is it do you think I do want Alex?"
"I think you want to ask somebody for help, while at the same time pulling out the stops to push people away."
"I don't need help Alex."
"No, maybe not help, but comfort, definitely. And I know deep down you want Kara, but I have been known to be a mostly caring person in moments of distress. So, I don't know what is actually going on with you today, but I'm not going anywhere unless you make me. And even then, I will likely just stand outside your door till Kara gets home."
"She told you to stay with me until she got home didn't she. And I am guessing it had nothing to do with the Christmas boxes that I clearly could've done on my own."
"She may have offered me a bribe to stay with you until she got home." Lena smiled slightly at this.
"What did she offer you? I am slightly curious as to what the price was she might be asked to pay for this personal security detail."
"She just offered whatever I wanted as long as I promised to stay." Lena looked a little sad at how desperate Kara must have felt if she offered Alex carte blanche whatever she wanted in return for this favor. Lena seemed to weigh her options and finally gestured for Alex to follow her. The retreated back to Lena's office and the CEO took her seat behind the large wooden desk.
"Make yourself comfortable." Alex sat down in one of the chairs opposite the desk and tried to relax as much as she could so Lena didn't feel like she had to hold back if she wanted to talk. Lena opened the small file cabinet built into the desk and placed a singular envelope on the desk before turning to Alex.
"Before I spill my guts to you, I am giving you one last chance to back out and we just go watch TV until Kara gets home." Alex locked eyes with her would be sister in law. "I don't scare easy Lena, if you are ready to talk about this, I am here to listen."
Lena nodded and pushed the envelope toward Alex, "just remember Agent Danvers, you can't un-ring the bell." Alex ignored the title because she knew Lena spoke like that when she was upset or was trying to keep people at arm's length. Alex flipped open the folder and saw some forms from a hospital, all labeled Jane Doe, a few pages of documented injuries and Alex knew from her medical training that those injuries were self-inflicted. Alex looked to Lena for an explanation.
"Young female, early 20's, lacerations to both arms, loss of consciousness due to blood loss. Brought into the ER and after a transfusion and the injuries stitched together regained consciousness. Spent mandatory 72 hour hold in the hospital before being released with the insistence of staff to see an outside therapist." Alex flipped through the file and nodded as Lena spoke, knowing damn well where this was heading, but giving Lena the space to say her peace. When the younger woman seemed to be waiting for Alex's response, the agent closed the file and slid it back towards Lena.
"And did she? Get a therapist outside the hospital that is." Lena nodded. Alex pressed her lips together tightly as she nodded. "So, I'm guessing, for this Jane Doe, that this time of year is difficult as it holds memories of a particularly threatening suicide attempt." Lena looked away from Alex and seemed to be looking down at her hands and Alex gently continued.
"And it would of course, stand to reason, that this woman would turn to her partner, spouse and family during this time of year to distract her from those memories and remind her that she has support and love now that she did not have perhaps the year she tried to end her life." Lena looked at Alex with tears in her eyes, but not yet crying.
"Yes, that would be a very smart thing for her to do. She doesn't like bothering people with it though." Alex wanted to scream at Lena how much she and Kara are alike with their insistence to fall on their own sword to spare other people a moderate inconvenience.
"Well, if this woman were to share this information with her, let's just say soon to be sister in law, maybe that insanely smart sister in law would tell her that this is the kind of thing families are here to offer support over. Maybe she would her that needing extra love or support sometimes doesn't make us weak. And maybe she would remind this young lady that her cell phone is always fucking on and that she can be reached for additional support at any time." Lena still avoided eye contact with Alex and Alex couldn't let that continue.
"Lena. Look at me please." The younger woman looked up and once she locked eyes with Alex a few stray tears slipped down her face. Alex stood up and went around the desk, kneeling in front of the CEO.
"Hey, its ok. Just listen to me. Everybody has a past Lena and we all struggle with different stuff and this just happens to be your past and your struggle. It is ok to want some extra support around this time of year. It is ok to need help Lena, we all do at some point."
"I'm ok." Lena tried her best to summon her business voice, but her voice trembled when she tried and Alex gripped her hand a bit tighter.
"If you are trying to tell me that you don't have those thoughts anymore, then that is wonderful. But that doesn't mean you are ok. You have every shade drawn so it is dark as hell in your house, you stayed home from work today I can tell, your security guard said you normally don't allow visitors at this time of year and you are wearing Kara's hoodie which I have only ever see you do when you miss her or need to feel comforted." Lean brushed stray tears away and tried to collect herself.
"I'm sorry you drew the short stick this year Alex, last year Kara had the day off and no Supergirl emergencies so it was easier. It really isn't that big of a deal." Alex shook her head, "I didn't draw a short straw Lena, ok. We are about to be family by law and even if we weren't, this is what people who love each other do. They support each other when things are hard. They fucking fight for each other. And I am sorry Kara is not here, but I am and I am not afraid of anything in that file or any part of the woman sitting in front of me." Lena was always unsure on how to handle people getting close to things that made her feel scared or vulnerable and even though she knew Alex loved her very much, this secret was well guarded in her mind and letting another person in freaked her out. She rolled up her sleeves and held out her arms to Alex. The scars she had were faint and Lena usually used a mix of creams and make up to hide them when she had bare arms and in normal lighting they weren't anything Alex had paid much attention to.
"What about these, do these scare you?" Alex looked at Lena and shook her head, "no Lena, they don't scare me. They make me sad that you ever felt that way, but I'm not scared of any part of this. But it is ok if it still scares you that you were ever in a dark enough place that you felt like this was the answer."
"I don't think that way anymore. Don't worry. I'd never do that to Kara." Alex smiled as she stood up and she offered Lena her hand and pulled her from her chair. "I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore. But this is about more than not putting Kara through something. You deserve some peace in your life Lena, you don't deserve this." Lena nodded since it was the only thing she could manage to do in that moment. Alex knew that for now this would have to be enough.
"Come on. Let's go order food, cuz I am starving, I bet you haven't eaten and Kara will be hungry once she gets home." Lena started to follow Alex out of the room when the agent turned around. "One more thing." Alex wrapped Lena is a gentle hug that had a firm squeeze at the end of it.
"If you ever feel like that again, fucking call me. PLEASE. Tell Kara, tell me, hell call my mom and tell her, but don't bottle it up Lena. Because I would 100% rather listen to you and help you feel safe at 2am than I would rather hold Kara upright at your funeral. Don't make me do that. Please. Just call me and I will stay up all night if it makes you feel safe. Just…please, call me." Lena pulled away from the hug and nodded.
"It was a long time ago Alex, I really haven't had those thoughts in years."
"Good. Then call this a back-up plan." Lena agreed and followed Alex into the kitchen where they ordered food for the night.
Kara arrived home a few hours later to find her sister and girlfriend still in the kitchen chatting. She went over to Lena and after offering her a kiss, wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her close to her own body, a move Lena always enjoyed because it made her feel protected.
"I see you two ate without me. Rude."
"Don't worry love, we saved plenty of food for you. As a reward for not killing any of the rookie agents at training."
"Well the night is young." Kara smiled and looked over at Alex. "Did my big sister behave herself today or did she tell you scandalous lies about my childhood?"
"Hey, it is not my fault that mom hauled out the teenage years photo album the first Christmas Lena spent with us."
"Sure, blame Eliza." Kara nuzzled Lena's neck and pulled away just slightly to look at her. "You feeling alright?"
"I'm ok. Alex took very good care of me in your absence." Kara nodded and shot Alex a look of sincere gratitude.
"Well, I am going to shower and change and since it would appear my favorite hoodie is occupied, I guess I'll just wear a regular shirt like some common being." Kara kissed the side of Lena's cheek as she walked out of the room, "love you."
"Love you too." Lena smiled to herself as Kara slipped into the bedroom and Alex smiled at the small gesture and silently hoped that as the years wore on Lena's memory of this time of year was replaced with one of her family loving her instead of being consumed by her loneliness.
