America was sitting on his couch by himself. The country's eyes widened in realization. "America, I know what we're gonna do today!" he said to himself
He rushed to his backyard, blowtorch in hand. In his backyard was a single large tree and a random, cross eyed, jeans wearing brown bear. With metal that he just kinda keeps in his backyard, he started building something, when eventually Mexico came along. "Hey America… Whatcha doin?" He asked.
"Something totally awesome, Mexico! Go invite the important countries, like the Axis powers. I'm going to have a party!"
Mexico stared blankly at him. "Really? Don't ya think throwing a party is a bad idea with social distancing, amigo?"
America cocks a gun
"Did I stutter?"
"No," Mexico sighed. He started walking away before he noticed something. "Hey, where'd your bear go?"
"Yeah, where's Smokey…"
Unknown to the two countries, America's bear was standing in the house. He stood up on his hind legs and, with jazzy spy background music playing, put on a tan fedora, revealing he was none other than Smokey the Bear. A picture of the American flag opened up to a hole, which Smokey jumped through. He fell through the tunnel and landed in a ranger office.
South Korea appeared on a big screen in front of the desk. "Agent Smokey," he said. "He's back at it again. You know where."
Smokey nodded. Giving a salute, he said "Only you can prevent wildfires." The chair he was in gained rockets and blasted him out of there.
America was back to making his machine as Mexico left his backyard to get the Axis powers, both blissfully unaware of what Smokey was doing.
As Mexico left, Canada was walking by and saw the contraption his neighbor was making. "Oh, America, that looks super dangerous eh."
"Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?"
"Well, you're busted! I'm telling Britain and France! Eh!"
America shrugged and started working on his device again. "Alright, limey."
With that, Canada rushed off to go tattle on him.
It wasn't long until America finished his invention and Mexico came back with Germany and Japan, looking the same as ever, and also Italy, who still looked pretty dead. Russia was there too, holding a tub of popcorn labeled 'America's being stupid again popcorn' in russian. Америка снова тупит, попкорн.
"Thank you all for coming today," America said. Behind him, his invention was cloaked entirely with a white tarp. "It means so much to me that you showed up for my gender reveal party. You can follow COVID stuff if you want, I don't care."
"Y-your what?" Mexico questioned.
Italy smiled. "Ve~ That's great America. I'll support you through this."
Germany looked horrified. "Mein Gott… I knew I vas in for something stupid, but this is just horrifying. A baby America," he shuttered.
"You know," Japan mumbled "I never put much thought into it, but how do we countries reproduce?"
"STOP, don't ask questions like that it'll only get more confusing," Germany said.
"Wait…" Italy tilted his head in confusion. "Reproduce? America's having a baby?! I thought he was coming out! Oh no, this is terrible!"
"Hold on a moment," Russia said to America, "aren't you a little too obnoxious, controversial, and single to have a child?"
"Yes, yes I am," America said.
"Okay. Just checking."
"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for." America ripped off the sheet revealing a needlessly overcomplicated, highly explosive thing behind him.
Italy started backing away slowly. "Mama mia… That looks really big and scary."
America nodded. "And it's even bigger and scarier than it looks."
"Vhat?" Germany asked.
"Amigo, I don't think this is a very good id-" Mexico started.
"Can it!" America interrupted. "It's a great idea! I'm goddam, motherf***kin' America!" He pressed a button on the machine. Every country watched in either anticipation, dread, or both as all the parts of the dangerous contraption started getting into motion.
Blinding lights flashed, making them all close their eyes. They reopened them to see fire surrounding them, America fully on fire (and unphased by it), and a completely bright orange sky above. Everything basically had a sepia tone filter on it. It made Russia laugh and eat more popcorn.
Italy was utterly horrified, screaming, and surrendering. Japan tried fruitlessly to put out the fires.
"Orange…" America mumbled. He gave a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, it's not pink. What's orange mean though?"
"IT MEANS YOU'RE AN IDIOT THAT'S GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED!" Germany yelled at him.
He shook his head. "No, I don't think that's it. That has more of a green vibe to it, not orange. Maybe Canada might know. What was he doing again?"
Canada was trying to convince Britain and France to come stop America. "Could you please come see what America's doing. He made a big scary thing. You can ground him from your imports or something, right?"
Britain scoffed. "America being competent enough to build something that I didn't invent first? Sounds like poppycock. I'll have to see it to believe it." Both he and France started walking with Canada back to the states.
"I guess zat China boycott is really taking its toll," France said.
"Speaking of China, what's he been up to?" Britain asked. "I haven't seen him since, blimey, I think it was April."
China was in China, go figure, and inside of a giant purple skyscraper with big green letters spelling out '再教育营合并'. 'China's Re-education Incorporated' plays in the background. Smokey the Bear bursted through the country's front doors, ready to fight.
"Ah, Ni Hao Smokey the Bear… How rice of you to show up," China said. A big plate of rice with a bear trap inside came from the floor. It snapped, trapping the bear.
"You" he growled as he struggled in the metal cage and sticky grains.
"Indeed, it is I, China! And behold, Smokey the Bear! My forget-inator! It would make covering up all of my concentration ca-" he coughed, "I mean re-education facirities much easier. Fun fact, the inator wasn't built entirery with the forced labor of the Uighurs and defiantry doesn't run on their brood, sweat, and tears."
Smokey glared hard at China. "Only you," he hissed, shaking his head. "Only you…"
China laughed evilly. He started sniping random citizens out the window.
Smokey was wiggling around, trying to escape, when the belt buckle on his jeans started beeping. South Korea appeared there on the tiny screen. "Smokey, I thought I should tell you that your host family just set himself and his house on fire. That's all."
"Wildfire!" Smokey exclaimed. "Only you can prevent wildfires!" The news of a fire needing prevention lit a metaphorical fire inside the bear. He exploded out of the rice and beat the living daylights out of China, and shoved him off the incredibly tall building. "Curse you, Smokey the Bear!" He yelled as he fell. China probably died from the fall. Smokey bear-hugged the device and flew it all the way back to the US in record times.
Canada was standing right outside America's backyard, waiting eagerly for Britain and France to get off their plane and see the whole fiery mess in front of him. He turned around to try and politely get them to hurry up. Unseen by him, Smokey just made it to above the backyard. There was a nicely installed self-destruct button on China's inator, which Smokey pressed, exploding the device. In a malfunction, multiple forget-rays shot out from it. One hit everybody in the backyard, one hit the sky, and another hit the single tree. That made the sky forget it was supposed to be orange, so it turned blue again. It also made the tree forget how to stand, so it fell over, completely destroying America's machine. After the rays were shot, the forget-inator exploded, and the blood sweat and tears it was running on all released and put out the fires, except for the one on America.
"Damn, it's that time of year already?" America mumbled, looking at the flames on him.
Mexico looked around. "What just happened?"
"Why am I here? How much vodka did I drink?" asked Russia, looking at his popcorn.
"What year is it?" Japan mumbled
"Who am I?" Italy asked
Canada, Britain, and France all left from their plane, for there to be nothing out of the ordinary. "What! That's impossible!" Canada said. He rushed to the backyard with a disappointed Britain and a skeptical France behind him. "Germany, there was a big scary machine? And an orange sky? And fire everywhere, right?" Canada asked.
"I… I don't remember…" Germany mumbled.
America laughed. "It's September, so I'll never forget. Of course there was, and I made all of those."
Canada looked pleadingly to the two Europeans he dragged over, causing them both to shrug. "Je suis désolé, mon cher," France said, "America isn't a very reliable source."
"He's literally on fire still!" Canada pleaded.
Britain sighed. "You should know more than anybody that this always happens right before an election. Sorry to say, Canada, but I still don't think he can build something by himself."
"He's gonna cause irreversible Climate change!"
"He stopped working with us on zat years ago."
Britain and France excused themselves, leaving Canada there bewildered by whatever was going on.
"Hey bro, lighten up. I'll invite you to my gender reveal party next time, m'kay?" America said
"But but but… what about the pollution and… and the melting ice caps and air quality?" Canada asked.
"Dude, if you want my honest answer, I don't care in the slightest. There's always mars. Oh, there you are Smokey."
Smokey, on four legs, without a hat, and with a cross eyed expression, was standing beside America. "Only we can prevent wildfires," he said
America laughed. "Oh Smokey." He continued to laugh with the others staring at him, and one by one walking away from the completely average American day.
"You know," America said to Canada after everybody else left, "Sweden would have no idea what happened today."
Canada looked at his brother. "What the actual f*ck did happen today though?" he mumbled.
To be continued… PM me for a bad parody song relating to this chapter
